Jane the Virgin (2014) s04e02 Episode Script
Chapter Sixty-Six
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Welcome back, friends.
You'll recall, Jane reunited with her first love, Adam.
And Rafael, well, he'd reunited with his first wife, Petra.
But things will be different now.
We'll communicate, and I'll listen.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Sweet, right? Not as sweet I am done feeling guilty 'cause I don't want Mateo to have some small life where he counts pennies and doesn't get on a plane till he's 20 years old.
You know, if Mateo grew up to say something like that, I would feel like I failed as a parent.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And it seemed like they'd be - stuck together a while longer.
- What the hell? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yeah, see, Raf's sister, Luisa, had kicked him out of her hotel.
And even worse, she'd teamed up with Petra's twin sister, Anezka.
I know, straight out of a telenovela, right? And speaking of, Jane's father had married Jane's mom.
Only problem - It's your dad's.
- Oh, my God.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Which reminds me, remember when Jane slept with her father's co-star, Fabian, and he introduced her to his granny, on, like, night three? Well, ever since she ended it, things had gotten a little tense between the men on set, but that was small potatoes compared to this big news.
- I think I'm in labor.
- LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I know, right? So let's give birth to this episode already.
As you all know, Jane Gloriana Villanueva has always believed in following rules.
- You know the rules.
Pick that up.
- LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, boy, what did Mateo do now? I am serious, you pick that up right now and you chug that beer! ALL: Chug! Chug! Chug LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Hey, drinking games need structure, too.
Chug, chug, chug, chug! Who's the champ? I'm the champ.
Change that leaderboard, Flaco, and never question my dominance again.
Okay, one more round? - I can't, I got to go home.
- Oh, boo.
I know, I suck, but I have early morning school drop-off.
Say good-bye to Fun Jane.
It's back to Mom Jane.
Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on.
For the road.
- That is you and your alter ego.
- Kind of like Bruce Wayne and Batman.
I like it.
And thank you for keeping the reference basic.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
- And I am your Alfred.
- Oh, you lost me already.
I'm the one that gets to see the secret part.
Mm, I like that, too.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm-mm-mwah.
Hey - Come back soon, bro.
- Yup.
Ooh, save me some pizza rolls, fam.
Fun Jane out! MATEO: Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, - I'm gonna slime you.
- Nuh-uh-uh-uh.
You know the rules.
No more shenanigans with protein shakes.
- Rafael.
- Here's the thing.
Chase, you'd be crazy not to get in on this.
- It's a minimal capital ask.
- [MOUTHING.]
You would acquire two-thirds of the Marbella, and that means majority control.
How can you stand this? His crap is everywhere.
Abuela, that doesn't mean what you think it means.
Chase Chase, look, you'll be kicking yourself if you pass this up.
Okay, we are gonna print money.
Zen Rafael was so much less annoying than Douche Rafael.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Speaking of alter egos [LAUGHING.]
Of course I'm mad at him.
But it is his fault that he wanted to get the hotel back with a ridiculous scheme that pissed off his crazy sister so much that she froze Mateo's trust fund.
And Mateo's school tuition check bounced.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Damn, Alba is ride-or-die for Rafael.
Okay, well, I also don't want to be late for public school registration.
It's really a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
Okay? To just turn a quick mil Okay Well, wake me up when you come to your senses, Chase.
- How many steps today? - Ah So super awesome.
So we can't be late today.
Well, we still have ten minutes.
Hey, have you started the wash yet? - Oh, yes, thank you.
- [PHONE CHIMING.]
Hey, Petra.
And I hear that, Petra, I do.
His "mature relationship" voice is even more annoying than his douche voice.
Your tone is hurtful.
And I am sorry for hurting your feelings.
That was not my intention.
But, as you know, I am being followed and harassed by my Oh! I have to go.
Okay, what? Do you just stand there looking through the peephole until I come out? - - [LAUGHING.]
: Don't be silly.
I have a high stool I sit on.
My biggest regret in life is that you didn't drown in the Atlantic.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: You may be wondering why Petra didn't have her sister arrested for attempted murder.
Go ahead, report to police.
It will become top news story, and hotel reputation will be ruined.
All beautiful sister has to do is give Dr.
Luisa permission to sell hotel.
I have papers to sign right here.
For the last time, I'm not selling my shares.
And stop calling her doctor.
- She lost her license years ago.
- [ELEVATOR BELL CHIMES.]
Then how come she found my fibroids? - Aah! - LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, wow.
Last time I heard a scream like that, Darci was going into labor.
Or, rather, false labor brought on by stress, resulting in Xo! bed rest.
I said "Xo," not "Ro.
" Xo is indisposed.
Can I get you something? - [MONITOR BEEPING.]
- - [CHIMING.]
- Stay back.
It's bad enough I can't be alone.
I don't need to see your big, stupid face.
Aren't you supposed to be back at work? Or did they notice your ten-pound weight gain and write you off the novela? For the sake of our unborn child, I will continue to rise above your insults.
And I return to work tomorrow.
What are you waiting for, then? You only have 24 hours to learn how to act.
[LAUGHS.]
[GASPS.]
Never go to the bathroom again! Breathe.
Now, go ahead, let it out.
She's the most maddening woman ever to exist.
And she called me fat.
That woman has gained at least 30 pounds since she got pregnant, and even I know babies don't weigh 30 pounds! What? Why are you smiling? Because I've been thinking.
Remember what she said during dinner last night? That my pasta is more flaccid than my After that.
The little dig about you going back to obsessing about work after the baby comes, and how she'll be stuck doing everything? I have an idea.
RAFAEL: What was Chase thinking? He turns down the deal, then offers me a job selling condos? I don't sell real estate, I buy it.
Priorities, please.
This is going to be Mateo's school for the next six years.
Six years? No way.
One, tops.
- I'm getting my money back.
- Well, even so, we might love it.
I have great memories of the public kindergarten I went to.
- Here? - No, this one was overcrowded and I was reassigned.
But don't worry.
Okay, class sizes are capped in Florida now.
So just give it a chance, okay? No way in hell is Mateo going there! Now I see why their ratings are so low.
The building is falling apart.
I'm so sorry, hon, I know you wanted to love it.
It is so unfair.
It has half the budget of public schools in wealthier districts.
How is that okay? I-I mean, it's a vicious cycle.
Rich kids get better schools, better education, get into better colleges, earn more money, put it back into their schools LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Preach, Mama.
Could you ever convince Rafael to go Catholic? It's way less expensive than private.
Ro I mean, we could probably afford it.
Isn't he still paying off the De La Vega-Factor Factor lawsuit? Yeah, but I've seen our finances, we can spare it.
Let me check if there are any openings first, before asking Dad.
And Rafael.
But thank you.
Cool.
Now, where are those arepas? - [PHONE CHIMES.]
- Darci will tear me a new one if I come home empty-handed.
[GIGGLES.]
That's not a "looking into Catholic school" giggle.
It's Adam.
He tagged my dinosaur.
- Kinky.
- No, it's not a sex thing, it's a phone game.
But, now that you brought it up, I think I am ready to have sex with him.
Really? So it's serious? I still don't know.
Our lives are so different.
But you were right I don't need to know where it's going in order to have sex with him.
Unless you think I should wait to know if it's serious.
No, no, no, no, no, definitely not.
It's early, no need to think long-term.
You go over there tonight and tag that dinosaur.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Well those aren't beer pong clothes.
[MOUTHS.]
Okay, wow, yeah, great.
Thanks.
Yeah, let me think on that and I'll call you back.
[EXHALES.]
What is it? Something insane just happened.
I-I applied for a VFX job months ago.
And I-I didn't think I had a chance in hell, but they just offered me the job.
But that's amazing! - Yeah, I know.
- [LAUGHS.]
Only the-the job is in L.
A.
Oh.
Well Still amazing.
Congratulations.
I'll, um I'll really miss you.
Well, uh, that's the thing, Jane.
This might sound crazy, but if you want me to stay, I will.
In a heartbeat.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Whoa.
So I guess we are thinking long-term.
And so he has 72 hours to decide on the job, which gives me, like, 71 hours to decide how I feel about him or if he fits into my life or Mateo's life.
Except, how can I even do that when it's just way too soon to even introduce him to Mateo? DARCI: Sounds like classic passive-aggressive commitment transference to me.
That's a big red flag.
Unless he's the one.
Pineapple juice? How do you know if he's the one? Oh, I've got tons of material from my course at the Learning Annex.
Compatibility quizzes, research reports, algorithms Jane doesn't need a test to figure out her love life.
And you're not supposed to be working.
Well, I'm bored senseless.
The idiot celebrity magazines your husband keeps buying me are killing my brain cells.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to take a whiz.
[GROANS.]
This baby's riding my bladder like a carnival pony.
[SIGHS.]
How are you not blowing your brains out? Because there's a plan in motion.
Ro's building a nursery on set to show how committed he is - to being a good dad.
- Aw.
I'll check it out while I'm there.
Our Lady of Mercy has an opening, and I'm going to ask about tuition.
- Wish me luck.
- ROGELIO: How lucky am I? A cake! [CHUCKLES.]
You shouldn't have.
- - Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for excluding my archnemesis, - Fabian! - Party! Hello, hello, everyone, welcome back from reruns.
Meet Alejandro, a sickly kitten that I rescued and nursed back to health.
Why does he get a cake? You're just jealous because mine is bigger and better.
And my cake is, too.
Your cake is so vulgar and distasteful.
And posing in the nude with a feline is so 2014.
I'll show you distasteful.
[GASPS.]
[GRUNTS.]
That's it! I'm done.
I'm never shooting a scene with you again! Not if I never shoot a scene with you again first! LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Talk about an epic catfight.
It is obvious what has to happen.
Use doubles and pretend we're in the same scene.
Excuse me? For once, I agree with the talentless hack! The editors can make it work.
There are all kinds of tricks you can do with doubles.
So, is it done? Beautiful doctor, not yet.
Petra still saying no to sign.
So step up your game.
I need the hotel sold.
Y-Yes, Dr.
Luisa.
I call her again.
[PHONE RINGING.]
[PHONE CLICKS.]
- [KNOCKS ON WALL.]
- Hello, darling.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, yes.
I'm sure you remember - our old friend Chuck Chesser.
- I'm here with a proposition.
- Oh.
- A business proposition.
Eh.
That's too bad.
A good one.
I'm putting together a silent investment group to purchase two-thirds of the Marbella.
What I need is a public face, so Luisa doesn't get suspicious and realize we're behind it.
Only an idiot would turn that down, Chuck.
If the sale goes through, you basically get ten percent for doing nothing.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Depends if you ask Fun Jane Wild night out.
What, what?! [LAUGHS.]
- or Mom Jane.
- Absolutely not.
What if we come home wasted and Mateo needs us? And Alejandro is the ugliest kitten I have ever seen! Uh, bad time? Of course not.
I always have time for my beloved daughter.
Aw, thanks, Dad.
Just make it snappy, I have ten minutes.
Right.
So, the short version.
I found a great Catholic school with one spot left.
It'd be perfect for Mateo.
It's just the cost.
Say no more.
I will pay for everything your heart desires.
In the near to long-term future.
I'm not following.
Well, I'm having a few very trendy financial issues.
It's possible that I overspent a bit these past few years, so I'm tracking Johnny Depp's lawsuit against his business managers to see how that plays out.
- - If Johnny loses, I know it's my fault that I bought that time-share in Cancún and part of that vineyard, after my business managers warned me not to.
But if Johnny wins, then I can sue them for my own financial negligence, and I am back in the game, baby.
Got it.
Don't worry, I'll find the $8,000.
Wait.
Only $8,000? Why didn't you say so? That's less than I spent to shoot Ricardo Montalbán's ashes into space.
You can swing that? Well, of course.
JANE: This is a deal of a lifetime.
I'm telling you, you'd be crazy not to get in on it.
This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
Sorry, you know how I feel about Catholicism.
All that doom and gloom stuff, it's not what I believe in.
Well, do you believe in a great education? [SIGHS.]
All my teeth are brushed.
Can you please tickle my back? Please, please, please? - Yes.
Come on.
- Sure.
Ow, can you guys tickle less hard? "Darci's Surefire Strategy to Spotting Your Soul Mate"? Thought it could help me figure out what to about Adam.
I'm ditching the quizzes, and I'm going over there and having a mature, adult conversation.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ouch.
Alba is definitely not ride-or-die for Adam.
Abuela, don't be such a downer.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ooh! I think it's time to see Alba's alter ego.
Can you spot the seven differences? Fun Alba has spoken.
What a surprise.
She agrees with Alba.
We happen to be fighting over sending Mateo to Catholic school, so you should be on my side here.
Hmm.
Yeah actually, now that you two are besties, maybe you can talk to him about Our Lady of Mercy.
Huh? Maybe between the kettlebell swings and the Fitbit competitions, you can convince him it's a good idea.
Thanks, Abuela.
You know what? I am tired of being trapped in my own home during mature chat time.
I'm going in.
- Uh - Yeah.
Mm-mm.
I am.
And I acknowledge your concern.
But on the other hand, the fact that I was involved with Chuck makes him an ideal front man.
Anezka and Luisa would never think I'd be in business with him.
And I acknowledge your point, but Chuck still has feelings for you, and that makes me uncomfortable.
You think I'm comfortable with you living with Jane? REMEMBER: she tried to get in the shower with you.
RAFAEL: I hear you, but for the millionth time, I don't have feelings for Jane.
Me neither, just to be clear.
Regardless, Jane can't buy a hotel.
So you can't unilaterally rule out Chuck without providing a viable alternative.
Look, Anezka's driving me crazy.
I can't take much more.
I understand.
And I just happen to have a great lead.
Katherine Cortes.
Carlos Cortes' daughter? - The hotelier? - Mm-hmm.
Well, why didn't you tell me about her in the first place? Because we've been working on communicating better, and I wanted to give you a chance to process your feelings about Chuck.
Oh.
Thank you for that.
Yes.
Call her.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Is it just me, or is all this communicating making them a little dull? Now that's more like it.
What do you want to do tonight? Ooh, make out and tequila poppers.
Absolutely not.
We're having a serious discussion about whether this relationship has legs.
Which it doesn't.
Why you looking confused? I'm sorry.
It's just This big decision.
I'm a little in my head about it.
- Buzzkill.
- Shh.
We need to know if Adam is capable of a mature, adult relationship.
Know what I do when I have a lot on my mind? - Hmm? - Roofball.
And I think we have our answer.
ADAM: Okay, here we go.
Roofball.
You score in the big trash can, or the little trash can, or the flower pot that's covered in bird crap.
And do not fall off the roof.
- Has that ever happened? - Many, many times.
I am going to crush this.
Okay.
We're playing for exactly eight minutes, and then we're telling him to take the job and "good luck.
" - Ready? - Okay.
Okay.
That's, uh, that's one point for me.
You got to try to block me.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
Okay, okay.
Now you're getting it.
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
- Nice! - Oh! - [LAUGHING.]
Nice! - Okay, I got this.
You got this fast.
- Wow.
Okay, cool.
- Yeah.
Hey, hey, hey - Oh! Oh! - No.
[LAUGHS.]
[GRUNTS.]
Oh.
Where'd it go? - Where'd it go, where'd it go? - [LAUGHS.]
[SHOUTS.]
Oh! Three points! Bring it, bitches! Our eight minutes are up.
Ow! ROGELIO: Well, this is just a slap to the face.
WOMAN: I'm sorry the editors couldn't make the doubles thing work.
But they did put together something we're really excited about.
- [BOTH GASP.]
- Oldest trick in the book.
Kill someone off to juice the ratings.
And since the two of you can't work together The new plot will involve the lady scientist accidentally swallowing Guillermo and Hector, but only one of you will survive the journey out of her tush alive.
We're putting your characters to a focus group of women ages 34 to 55 bored housewives, our bread and butter they'll make the call.
JANE: Yes! I just have so much fun with you.
Mm.
That's a good thing, right? Definitely.
It's good to remember that I'm young, you know? More than just a mom.
Mm-hmm.
[SIGHS.]
Let's have sex.
Yeah? You ready? Mm-hmm.
[LOUD POP, AIR HISSING.]
[BOTH GRUNT.]
[LAUGHS.]
Not a lot of inflatable swan sex? Not as much as you'd think.
- Oh.
- Let's go inside.
[GRUNTS.]
Oh.
Usually when this happens, I just jump down, but I can jump.
Do I have to remind you that I am young and fun? - Let's do this.
- Mm-hmm.
[LAUGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
[SIGHING.]
Here I come.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And, friends, in that moment, Jane had never felt so free.
[GROANS.]
[SOBBING LOUDLY.]
Do you think it's broken? Of course it's broken, you idiot! So, a simple fracture of the distal fibula usually takes four to six weeks of recovery.
Now, the pain meds will kick in soon, so she'll be tired.
She'll also need help in the shower.
The cast can't get wet.
He can't give me a shower.
We haven't even had sex yet.
Wait.
Can we even have sex? It's, uh, possible.
Which positions? I think those are the meds that you were talking about.
You'll need to do the driving for the next month.
He may not even be here in a month.
He got a job in California.
It's very exciting for him and very confusing for me.
Congratulations.
Uh, someone will be by with the discharge papers shortly.
[SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
Hey, look.
I can tell that my question's really stressing you out.
What? You have me confused for Mom Jane.
I am Fun Jane.
Stay, go, whatevs.
I'm cool.
Still, I'm taking the decision off your plate.
I got this.
[CHUCKLES.]
: Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
You're so sweet.
Oh, I think those drugs are kicking in.
Mm.
[CHUCKLES.]
[SIGHING.]
Oh, no.
Sorry, you passed out there.
I couldn't move you.
No, I'm late for my meeting at Our Lady of Mercy.
What's Our Lady of Mercy? Uh, it's a Catholic school for Mateo.
I was supposed to meet with them today.
Ow! Oh! [SOBBING.]
Ooh.
Oh, could you pass me my pants? Hi.
This is Jane Villanueva.
Um, I had an appointment, um two hours ago.
What? Y-You gave the slot away? RAFAEL: I am so glad this worked out.
- - I know how busy you are.
So let me just say this.
This is easy money.
You'd clear ten percent without putting in a dime of your own.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Looks like Katherine wants to tag his dinosaur.
I still can't believe that we never met.
I've heard so much about you from Chase.
He and my ex-husband are golf buddies.
[PHONE CHIMES.]
I'm sorry, it's about my kids.
Of course.
Thank God my ex and I never had kids.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: We get it, lady, you're single.
So, let's discuss things further, over drinks.
XIOMARA: Water with lemon.
About time.
You know it's not good for the baby to be dehydrated.
Were you working? Just checking a few e-mails.
These aren't e-mails.
This is a dating profile.
Wait.
This is for you? Why are you posting a profile? Why do you think? I don't want to raise this baby alone.
Alone? [SCOFFS.]
Put this on.
I'm about to yell, and I don't want to hurt the baby.
Doing this alone?! We brought you into our home! We wait on you hand and foot, take you to your doctor's appointments.
In fact, my husband is on set right now building you a nursery a surprise nursery so you know you won't be doing this on your own.
So what? That's all stuff for the baby.
Neither of you would have anything to do with me if I weren't pregnant.
Of course not.
But you are.
So we're stuck together forever.
That's called family.
And we're trying.
You're the one who's not.
So, if you really want what's best for the baby, worry less about getting dehydrated and more about getting along with her father.
And you could be a little nicer to me, too.
ROGELIO: Pick me.
Choose me.
Love me.
Why do you look so worried, Papa? Well, because these women are deciding if Papa or a terrible ogre will stay on the telenovela.
Let's listen in, Matelio.
Sell it, woman with the lazy eye.
[SIGHS.]
Jane, what happened? No big deal, just a small fracture.
Hey.
What's Fabian's grandma doing in there? - - [ROGELIO GASPS.]
Oh, my God.
That floozy has infiltrated the focus group.
Well, the jig is up, Granny.
Uh Uh, w-wait, wait, wait! Think.
How is it gonna look if you storm in there and attack a grandma? You're right.
I have a better plan.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Which, my friends, brings us here.
Yup.
Meet Rogelio's new alter ego.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Whoa there, Granny.
PETRA: I'm uncomfortable.
Because it's obvious that Katherine is looking for a hookup with you in exchange for signing on.
And I acknowledge your feelings.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, man, I'm sick of mature Rafael and Petra too.
But you have nothing to worry about, because I can handle Katherine.
Just like I can handle Chuck.
He's the logical choice, a known entity.
You working with Chuck makes me uncomfortable, because I have no interest in Katherine.
You and Chuck have a romantic history.
How many more times and ways can I explain to you that I don't want to be with him? I know you don't.
But you've gone there before.
Slept with men to advance your interests.
Whereas I haven't crossed that line.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And speaking of crossing a line.
[WOMEN GIGGLING, CHATTERING IN SPANISH.]
Ciao.
[PHONE RINGING.]
[RINGTONE PLAYING.]
- Hello.
- The focus group chose me? Say hello to your abuela for me.
And stay away from my daughter! LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Aw.
Who knew comic books could be so romantic? I know.
I'm getting misty, too.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
It's just a minor fracture.
I was playing roofball with Adam.
- Uh, roofball? - Mm-hmm.
As in playing ball on a roof? Are you gonna be okay? Yeah.
But we need to talk about Mateo's school situation.
Because of my accident, I missed the appointment for Our Lady of Mercy, and now we don't even have the option of Catholic school.
Can you not smile? That was the best option we had.
I have another one.
Did you know that your parents live in the Elbamare School District? It's a great public school with a nine rating, plus music, art, TK.
We can enroll Mateo next year using their address.
And lie about where we live? Of course.
Of course your option is to lie.
Why am I surprised? - That's not fair.
- But it's true.
I mean, that's what you do.
You try to game the system.
Why wouldn't you? You grew up rich and entitled, and you think that the rules don't apply to you.
It was your grandmother's idea.
Yeah.
So as you're climbing off your high horse, try not to break your other leg.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Well, hello, Douche Jane.
I don't understand.
You told Rafael that we should lie to get Mateo into a better school? - - What? You used somebody else's address? DR.
GHAZALI: Back to real life for you.
No more excuses to lie around getting spoiled.
You are officially off of bed rest.
Hallelujah! - Oh, thank God.
- I'll see you next week.
[SIGHS.]
So before you drop me off? Yes? Let's go see that freakin' nursery.
Really? But nobody better rub my belly when I'm there.
I'm not friggin' public property.
I think that look on your face will scare them off.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I think that's a smile? I would have gone with a less tacky mobile, but it's nice.
[SIGHS.]
I'll take it.
Thank you, Rogelio.
You're welcome.
And I swear I will not put work first when the baby comes.
I want to be a good co-parent with you.
I know.
We had a friendship once.
Long, long, long ago.
Can we again? Let's try.
Now I have something to show you, too.
Welcome to your relaxation room.
Your lady cave.
Rogelio.
What's this for? Well, I spent some time with some women today.
In a focus group.
And I learned that sometimes women feel underappreciated.
And sometimes it's nice to have a room of one's own.
I know you're going through a lot with Darci, the baby, the dance studio.
So whenever you want to decompress, this is the place.
This is so sweet.
And thoughtful.
My ladies group taught me that sometimes it's nice to do things without being asked.
They did, huh? [MOANS.]
That's not all they taught me.
I guess I realized that I was the one who was spoiled.
I took you and your money for granted.
And I'm sorry.
It's okay.
It's not.
Look, I I-I don't want to fight anymore.
Can we be friends again? I'd like that.
Me, too.
And I mean that.
The financial privileges you've given this family has been huge.
And parenting without it is gonna be harder and lead to making harder choices.
And so, let's do it.
Use my parents' address.
[CHUCKLES.]
Don't worry.
It won't be for long.
'Cause I'm gonna get it all back.
The money, the hotel, everything.
Okay.
But until then, the family is gonna need to make some changes.
Buckle down a little, grow up.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Which brings us here.
You have to take the job.
But I've already decided that I'm staying.
Well, you shouldn't, not if I'm part of the equation, because honestly I don't think that we'll work long-term.
What are you talking about? These past few weeks have been Amazing.
But not real life.
And it's come with a cost.
I mean, Mateo may not have anywhere to go to school next year.
And I can't drive for a month.
- Jane.
- And this.
This, this is incredibly sweet.
But it's a fantasy.
In reality, these panels would be lice checks, and Mateo puking and getting in trouble at school, and you texting me that you'll be home late, but I don't get it because I already fell asleep, and a lot of other not-fun things.
I know you have a kid, Jane.
And I know that makes everything way more complicated.
But just like the school meeting, if I'd known about it, I-I would've set my alarm, I-I would've dragged your ass out of bed.
You're the one compartmentalizing.
Because you can't meet Mateo yet it's too early and without you meeting him, I don't know how you fit in my life.
That's exactly my point.
You can't know.
Then why did you ask me to make this huge decision about your job? I didn't ask you to make this decision.
I-I was just asking you if you wanted me to stay.
- Of course I want you to stay! - Okay, well, then I'm staying! I'm staying.
I'm gonna need you to kiss me.
What are you doing? Making you work for it.
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
[MOANS.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
PETRA: Rafael? [DOOR CLOSES.]
Thought we could use a little romance.
Which we were not gonna get at Jane's house.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
Yeah, I've been thinking.
And you're right.
I should trust you.
Let's go with Chuck.
No.
You want to go with Katherine? Neither.
I'm serious.
I've decided I can deal with Anezka long enough for us to find the right investor, someone with no strings.
I can handle Katherine.
Okay? I am not gonna sleep with her.
I'm not that person.
But there'll always be a part of you that thinks I am.
What? It's true.
And I don't blame you.
I've cheated.
But at the same time that's not who I am.
And I need a fresh start.
What kind of fresh start? Romantically.
Are you breaking up with me? We just decided to be mature and try.
And we have been.
But I'm just tired of the effort, frankly.
And it's not what I want.
Then why did you get back together with me? I'm not completely sure.
- I shouldn't have.
- [SCOFFS.]
Maybe you just chose Jane so many times that when you finally chose me, I didn't want to say no.
Or maybe I just needed to be the one to end it.
Well, I'm happy to help you on your journey of self-empowerment.
I'm sorry, Rafael.
Just go! Even the stench of his mediocrity is gone.
It feels amazing to have my set back.
I will never have to see Fabian and his deformed kitten again.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, thank you.
It's great to be number one on the call sheet.
Well, co-number one.
[GASPS.]
No, this can't be.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: But it is.
[MAN LAUGHING.]
- - Wow.
[GASPS.]
I was just seeing where I sit.
For when I win.
How funny.
I was just seeing where I sit for when I win.
Well, we can't both win.
Dang it! Cut! [GASPS.]
Where's Fabian? Get that delusional has-been back here this instant! This is my worst nightmare.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: It's actually about to get a whole lot worse.
[LAUGHS.]
Stop it.
Whoa, why are they talking? Why-why is she laughing like that? XIOMARA: Oh, God.
I think he likes her? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ya think? From chemical attraction to an indecent proposal.
See? Isn't this nicer than some crowded restaurant? It is.
Wait.
We have to toast to working together.
I just hope we're compatible.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Say good-bye to Zen Rafael.
PETRA: You won't break me.
I built this hotel, and nothing you can do will make me give it up.
Whatever you are saying, beautiful sister.
MAGDA: Hello, Petra.
That's right.
Granny's back.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I know! Straight out of a telenovela, right? Which reminds me.
One.
Of.
These.
People.
Will.
Die! What can I say? It's the oldest trick in the book, right?
You'll recall, Jane reunited with her first love, Adam.
And Rafael, well, he'd reunited with his first wife, Petra.
But things will be different now.
We'll communicate, and I'll listen.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Sweet, right? Not as sweet I am done feeling guilty 'cause I don't want Mateo to have some small life where he counts pennies and doesn't get on a plane till he's 20 years old.
You know, if Mateo grew up to say something like that, I would feel like I failed as a parent.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And it seemed like they'd be - stuck together a while longer.
- What the hell? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yeah, see, Raf's sister, Luisa, had kicked him out of her hotel.
And even worse, she'd teamed up with Petra's twin sister, Anezka.
I know, straight out of a telenovela, right? And speaking of, Jane's father had married Jane's mom.
Only problem - It's your dad's.
- Oh, my God.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Which reminds me, remember when Jane slept with her father's co-star, Fabian, and he introduced her to his granny, on, like, night three? Well, ever since she ended it, things had gotten a little tense between the men on set, but that was small potatoes compared to this big news.
- I think I'm in labor.
- LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I know, right? So let's give birth to this episode already.
As you all know, Jane Gloriana Villanueva has always believed in following rules.
- You know the rules.
Pick that up.
- LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, boy, what did Mateo do now? I am serious, you pick that up right now and you chug that beer! ALL: Chug! Chug! Chug LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Hey, drinking games need structure, too.
Chug, chug, chug, chug! Who's the champ? I'm the champ.
Change that leaderboard, Flaco, and never question my dominance again.
Okay, one more round? - I can't, I got to go home.
- Oh, boo.
I know, I suck, but I have early morning school drop-off.
Say good-bye to Fun Jane.
It's back to Mom Jane.
Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on.
For the road.
- That is you and your alter ego.
- Kind of like Bruce Wayne and Batman.
I like it.
And thank you for keeping the reference basic.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
- And I am your Alfred.
- Oh, you lost me already.
I'm the one that gets to see the secret part.
Mm, I like that, too.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm-mm-mwah.
Hey - Come back soon, bro.
- Yup.
Ooh, save me some pizza rolls, fam.
Fun Jane out! MATEO: Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, - I'm gonna slime you.
- Nuh-uh-uh-uh.
You know the rules.
No more shenanigans with protein shakes.
- Rafael.
- Here's the thing.
Chase, you'd be crazy not to get in on this.
- It's a minimal capital ask.
- [MOUTHING.]
You would acquire two-thirds of the Marbella, and that means majority control.
How can you stand this? His crap is everywhere.
Abuela, that doesn't mean what you think it means.
Chase Chase, look, you'll be kicking yourself if you pass this up.
Okay, we are gonna print money.
Zen Rafael was so much less annoying than Douche Rafael.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Speaking of alter egos [LAUGHING.]
Of course I'm mad at him.
But it is his fault that he wanted to get the hotel back with a ridiculous scheme that pissed off his crazy sister so much that she froze Mateo's trust fund.
And Mateo's school tuition check bounced.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Damn, Alba is ride-or-die for Rafael.
Okay, well, I also don't want to be late for public school registration.
It's really a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
Okay? To just turn a quick mil Okay Well, wake me up when you come to your senses, Chase.
- How many steps today? - Ah So super awesome.
So we can't be late today.
Well, we still have ten minutes.
Hey, have you started the wash yet? - Oh, yes, thank you.
- [PHONE CHIMING.]
Hey, Petra.
And I hear that, Petra, I do.
His "mature relationship" voice is even more annoying than his douche voice.
Your tone is hurtful.
And I am sorry for hurting your feelings.
That was not my intention.
But, as you know, I am being followed and harassed by my Oh! I have to go.
Okay, what? Do you just stand there looking through the peephole until I come out? - - [LAUGHING.]
: Don't be silly.
I have a high stool I sit on.
My biggest regret in life is that you didn't drown in the Atlantic.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: You may be wondering why Petra didn't have her sister arrested for attempted murder.
Go ahead, report to police.
It will become top news story, and hotel reputation will be ruined.
All beautiful sister has to do is give Dr.
Luisa permission to sell hotel.
I have papers to sign right here.
For the last time, I'm not selling my shares.
And stop calling her doctor.
- She lost her license years ago.
- [ELEVATOR BELL CHIMES.]
Then how come she found my fibroids? - Aah! - LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, wow.
Last time I heard a scream like that, Darci was going into labor.
Or, rather, false labor brought on by stress, resulting in Xo! bed rest.
I said "Xo," not "Ro.
" Xo is indisposed.
Can I get you something? - [MONITOR BEEPING.]
- - [CHIMING.]
- Stay back.
It's bad enough I can't be alone.
I don't need to see your big, stupid face.
Aren't you supposed to be back at work? Or did they notice your ten-pound weight gain and write you off the novela? For the sake of our unborn child, I will continue to rise above your insults.
And I return to work tomorrow.
What are you waiting for, then? You only have 24 hours to learn how to act.
[LAUGHS.]
[GASPS.]
Never go to the bathroom again! Breathe.
Now, go ahead, let it out.
She's the most maddening woman ever to exist.
And she called me fat.
That woman has gained at least 30 pounds since she got pregnant, and even I know babies don't weigh 30 pounds! What? Why are you smiling? Because I've been thinking.
Remember what she said during dinner last night? That my pasta is more flaccid than my After that.
The little dig about you going back to obsessing about work after the baby comes, and how she'll be stuck doing everything? I have an idea.
RAFAEL: What was Chase thinking? He turns down the deal, then offers me a job selling condos? I don't sell real estate, I buy it.
Priorities, please.
This is going to be Mateo's school for the next six years.
Six years? No way.
One, tops.
- I'm getting my money back.
- Well, even so, we might love it.
I have great memories of the public kindergarten I went to.
- Here? - No, this one was overcrowded and I was reassigned.
But don't worry.
Okay, class sizes are capped in Florida now.
So just give it a chance, okay? No way in hell is Mateo going there! Now I see why their ratings are so low.
The building is falling apart.
I'm so sorry, hon, I know you wanted to love it.
It is so unfair.
It has half the budget of public schools in wealthier districts.
How is that okay? I-I mean, it's a vicious cycle.
Rich kids get better schools, better education, get into better colleges, earn more money, put it back into their schools LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Preach, Mama.
Could you ever convince Rafael to go Catholic? It's way less expensive than private.
Ro I mean, we could probably afford it.
Isn't he still paying off the De La Vega-Factor Factor lawsuit? Yeah, but I've seen our finances, we can spare it.
Let me check if there are any openings first, before asking Dad.
And Rafael.
But thank you.
Cool.
Now, where are those arepas? - [PHONE CHIMES.]
- Darci will tear me a new one if I come home empty-handed.
[GIGGLES.]
That's not a "looking into Catholic school" giggle.
It's Adam.
He tagged my dinosaur.
- Kinky.
- No, it's not a sex thing, it's a phone game.
But, now that you brought it up, I think I am ready to have sex with him.
Really? So it's serious? I still don't know.
Our lives are so different.
But you were right I don't need to know where it's going in order to have sex with him.
Unless you think I should wait to know if it's serious.
No, no, no, no, no, definitely not.
It's early, no need to think long-term.
You go over there tonight and tag that dinosaur.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Well those aren't beer pong clothes.
[MOUTHS.]
Okay, wow, yeah, great.
Thanks.
Yeah, let me think on that and I'll call you back.
[EXHALES.]
What is it? Something insane just happened.
I-I applied for a VFX job months ago.
And I-I didn't think I had a chance in hell, but they just offered me the job.
But that's amazing! - Yeah, I know.
- [LAUGHS.]
Only the-the job is in L.
A.
Oh.
Well Still amazing.
Congratulations.
I'll, um I'll really miss you.
Well, uh, that's the thing, Jane.
This might sound crazy, but if you want me to stay, I will.
In a heartbeat.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Whoa.
So I guess we are thinking long-term.
And so he has 72 hours to decide on the job, which gives me, like, 71 hours to decide how I feel about him or if he fits into my life or Mateo's life.
Except, how can I even do that when it's just way too soon to even introduce him to Mateo? DARCI: Sounds like classic passive-aggressive commitment transference to me.
That's a big red flag.
Unless he's the one.
Pineapple juice? How do you know if he's the one? Oh, I've got tons of material from my course at the Learning Annex.
Compatibility quizzes, research reports, algorithms Jane doesn't need a test to figure out her love life.
And you're not supposed to be working.
Well, I'm bored senseless.
The idiot celebrity magazines your husband keeps buying me are killing my brain cells.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to take a whiz.
[GROANS.]
This baby's riding my bladder like a carnival pony.
[SIGHS.]
How are you not blowing your brains out? Because there's a plan in motion.
Ro's building a nursery on set to show how committed he is - to being a good dad.
- Aw.
I'll check it out while I'm there.
Our Lady of Mercy has an opening, and I'm going to ask about tuition.
- Wish me luck.
- ROGELIO: How lucky am I? A cake! [CHUCKLES.]
You shouldn't have.
- - Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for excluding my archnemesis, - Fabian! - Party! Hello, hello, everyone, welcome back from reruns.
Meet Alejandro, a sickly kitten that I rescued and nursed back to health.
Why does he get a cake? You're just jealous because mine is bigger and better.
And my cake is, too.
Your cake is so vulgar and distasteful.
And posing in the nude with a feline is so 2014.
I'll show you distasteful.
[GASPS.]
[GRUNTS.]
That's it! I'm done.
I'm never shooting a scene with you again! Not if I never shoot a scene with you again first! LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Talk about an epic catfight.
It is obvious what has to happen.
Use doubles and pretend we're in the same scene.
Excuse me? For once, I agree with the talentless hack! The editors can make it work.
There are all kinds of tricks you can do with doubles.
So, is it done? Beautiful doctor, not yet.
Petra still saying no to sign.
So step up your game.
I need the hotel sold.
Y-Yes, Dr.
Luisa.
I call her again.
[PHONE RINGING.]
[PHONE CLICKS.]
- [KNOCKS ON WALL.]
- Hello, darling.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, yes.
I'm sure you remember - our old friend Chuck Chesser.
- I'm here with a proposition.
- Oh.
- A business proposition.
Eh.
That's too bad.
A good one.
I'm putting together a silent investment group to purchase two-thirds of the Marbella.
What I need is a public face, so Luisa doesn't get suspicious and realize we're behind it.
Only an idiot would turn that down, Chuck.
If the sale goes through, you basically get ten percent for doing nothing.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Depends if you ask Fun Jane Wild night out.
What, what?! [LAUGHS.]
- or Mom Jane.
- Absolutely not.
What if we come home wasted and Mateo needs us? And Alejandro is the ugliest kitten I have ever seen! Uh, bad time? Of course not.
I always have time for my beloved daughter.
Aw, thanks, Dad.
Just make it snappy, I have ten minutes.
Right.
So, the short version.
I found a great Catholic school with one spot left.
It'd be perfect for Mateo.
It's just the cost.
Say no more.
I will pay for everything your heart desires.
In the near to long-term future.
I'm not following.
Well, I'm having a few very trendy financial issues.
It's possible that I overspent a bit these past few years, so I'm tracking Johnny Depp's lawsuit against his business managers to see how that plays out.
- - If Johnny loses, I know it's my fault that I bought that time-share in Cancún and part of that vineyard, after my business managers warned me not to.
But if Johnny wins, then I can sue them for my own financial negligence, and I am back in the game, baby.
Got it.
Don't worry, I'll find the $8,000.
Wait.
Only $8,000? Why didn't you say so? That's less than I spent to shoot Ricardo Montalbán's ashes into space.
You can swing that? Well, of course.
JANE: This is a deal of a lifetime.
I'm telling you, you'd be crazy not to get in on it.
This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
Sorry, you know how I feel about Catholicism.
All that doom and gloom stuff, it's not what I believe in.
Well, do you believe in a great education? [SIGHS.]
All my teeth are brushed.
Can you please tickle my back? Please, please, please? - Yes.
Come on.
- Sure.
Ow, can you guys tickle less hard? "Darci's Surefire Strategy to Spotting Your Soul Mate"? Thought it could help me figure out what to about Adam.
I'm ditching the quizzes, and I'm going over there and having a mature, adult conversation.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ouch.
Alba is definitely not ride-or-die for Adam.
Abuela, don't be such a downer.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ooh! I think it's time to see Alba's alter ego.
Can you spot the seven differences? Fun Alba has spoken.
What a surprise.
She agrees with Alba.
We happen to be fighting over sending Mateo to Catholic school, so you should be on my side here.
Hmm.
Yeah actually, now that you two are besties, maybe you can talk to him about Our Lady of Mercy.
Huh? Maybe between the kettlebell swings and the Fitbit competitions, you can convince him it's a good idea.
Thanks, Abuela.
You know what? I am tired of being trapped in my own home during mature chat time.
I'm going in.
- Uh - Yeah.
Mm-mm.
I am.
And I acknowledge your concern.
But on the other hand, the fact that I was involved with Chuck makes him an ideal front man.
Anezka and Luisa would never think I'd be in business with him.
And I acknowledge your point, but Chuck still has feelings for you, and that makes me uncomfortable.
You think I'm comfortable with you living with Jane? REMEMBER: she tried to get in the shower with you.
RAFAEL: I hear you, but for the millionth time, I don't have feelings for Jane.
Me neither, just to be clear.
Regardless, Jane can't buy a hotel.
So you can't unilaterally rule out Chuck without providing a viable alternative.
Look, Anezka's driving me crazy.
I can't take much more.
I understand.
And I just happen to have a great lead.
Katherine Cortes.
Carlos Cortes' daughter? - The hotelier? - Mm-hmm.
Well, why didn't you tell me about her in the first place? Because we've been working on communicating better, and I wanted to give you a chance to process your feelings about Chuck.
Oh.
Thank you for that.
Yes.
Call her.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Is it just me, or is all this communicating making them a little dull? Now that's more like it.
What do you want to do tonight? Ooh, make out and tequila poppers.
Absolutely not.
We're having a serious discussion about whether this relationship has legs.
Which it doesn't.
Why you looking confused? I'm sorry.
It's just This big decision.
I'm a little in my head about it.
- Buzzkill.
- Shh.
We need to know if Adam is capable of a mature, adult relationship.
Know what I do when I have a lot on my mind? - Hmm? - Roofball.
And I think we have our answer.
ADAM: Okay, here we go.
Roofball.
You score in the big trash can, or the little trash can, or the flower pot that's covered in bird crap.
And do not fall off the roof.
- Has that ever happened? - Many, many times.
I am going to crush this.
Okay.
We're playing for exactly eight minutes, and then we're telling him to take the job and "good luck.
" - Ready? - Okay.
Okay.
That's, uh, that's one point for me.
You got to try to block me.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
Okay, okay.
Now you're getting it.
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
- Nice! - Oh! - [LAUGHING.]
Nice! - Okay, I got this.
You got this fast.
- Wow.
Okay, cool.
- Yeah.
Hey, hey, hey - Oh! Oh! - No.
[LAUGHS.]
[GRUNTS.]
Oh.
Where'd it go? - Where'd it go, where'd it go? - [LAUGHS.]
[SHOUTS.]
Oh! Three points! Bring it, bitches! Our eight minutes are up.
Ow! ROGELIO: Well, this is just a slap to the face.
WOMAN: I'm sorry the editors couldn't make the doubles thing work.
But they did put together something we're really excited about.
- [BOTH GASP.]
- Oldest trick in the book.
Kill someone off to juice the ratings.
And since the two of you can't work together The new plot will involve the lady scientist accidentally swallowing Guillermo and Hector, but only one of you will survive the journey out of her tush alive.
We're putting your characters to a focus group of women ages 34 to 55 bored housewives, our bread and butter they'll make the call.
JANE: Yes! I just have so much fun with you.
Mm.
That's a good thing, right? Definitely.
It's good to remember that I'm young, you know? More than just a mom.
Mm-hmm.
[SIGHS.]
Let's have sex.
Yeah? You ready? Mm-hmm.
[LOUD POP, AIR HISSING.]
[BOTH GRUNT.]
[LAUGHS.]
Not a lot of inflatable swan sex? Not as much as you'd think.
- Oh.
- Let's go inside.
[GRUNTS.]
Oh.
Usually when this happens, I just jump down, but I can jump.
Do I have to remind you that I am young and fun? - Let's do this.
- Mm-hmm.
[LAUGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
[SIGHING.]
Here I come.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And, friends, in that moment, Jane had never felt so free.
[GROANS.]
[SOBBING LOUDLY.]
Do you think it's broken? Of course it's broken, you idiot! So, a simple fracture of the distal fibula usually takes four to six weeks of recovery.
Now, the pain meds will kick in soon, so she'll be tired.
She'll also need help in the shower.
The cast can't get wet.
He can't give me a shower.
We haven't even had sex yet.
Wait.
Can we even have sex? It's, uh, possible.
Which positions? I think those are the meds that you were talking about.
You'll need to do the driving for the next month.
He may not even be here in a month.
He got a job in California.
It's very exciting for him and very confusing for me.
Congratulations.
Uh, someone will be by with the discharge papers shortly.
[SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
Hey, look.
I can tell that my question's really stressing you out.
What? You have me confused for Mom Jane.
I am Fun Jane.
Stay, go, whatevs.
I'm cool.
Still, I'm taking the decision off your plate.
I got this.
[CHUCKLES.]
: Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
You're so sweet.
Oh, I think those drugs are kicking in.
Mm.
[CHUCKLES.]
[SIGHING.]
Oh, no.
Sorry, you passed out there.
I couldn't move you.
No, I'm late for my meeting at Our Lady of Mercy.
What's Our Lady of Mercy? Uh, it's a Catholic school for Mateo.
I was supposed to meet with them today.
Ow! Oh! [SOBBING.]
Ooh.
Oh, could you pass me my pants? Hi.
This is Jane Villanueva.
Um, I had an appointment, um two hours ago.
What? Y-You gave the slot away? RAFAEL: I am so glad this worked out.
- - I know how busy you are.
So let me just say this.
This is easy money.
You'd clear ten percent without putting in a dime of your own.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Looks like Katherine wants to tag his dinosaur.
I still can't believe that we never met.
I've heard so much about you from Chase.
He and my ex-husband are golf buddies.
[PHONE CHIMES.]
I'm sorry, it's about my kids.
Of course.
Thank God my ex and I never had kids.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: We get it, lady, you're single.
So, let's discuss things further, over drinks.
XIOMARA: Water with lemon.
About time.
You know it's not good for the baby to be dehydrated.
Were you working? Just checking a few e-mails.
These aren't e-mails.
This is a dating profile.
Wait.
This is for you? Why are you posting a profile? Why do you think? I don't want to raise this baby alone.
Alone? [SCOFFS.]
Put this on.
I'm about to yell, and I don't want to hurt the baby.
Doing this alone?! We brought you into our home! We wait on you hand and foot, take you to your doctor's appointments.
In fact, my husband is on set right now building you a nursery a surprise nursery so you know you won't be doing this on your own.
So what? That's all stuff for the baby.
Neither of you would have anything to do with me if I weren't pregnant.
Of course not.
But you are.
So we're stuck together forever.
That's called family.
And we're trying.
You're the one who's not.
So, if you really want what's best for the baby, worry less about getting dehydrated and more about getting along with her father.
And you could be a little nicer to me, too.
ROGELIO: Pick me.
Choose me.
Love me.
Why do you look so worried, Papa? Well, because these women are deciding if Papa or a terrible ogre will stay on the telenovela.
Let's listen in, Matelio.
Sell it, woman with the lazy eye.
[SIGHS.]
Jane, what happened? No big deal, just a small fracture.
Hey.
What's Fabian's grandma doing in there? - - [ROGELIO GASPS.]
Oh, my God.
That floozy has infiltrated the focus group.
Well, the jig is up, Granny.
Uh Uh, w-wait, wait, wait! Think.
How is it gonna look if you storm in there and attack a grandma? You're right.
I have a better plan.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Which, my friends, brings us here.
Yup.
Meet Rogelio's new alter ego.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Whoa there, Granny.
PETRA: I'm uncomfortable.
Because it's obvious that Katherine is looking for a hookup with you in exchange for signing on.
And I acknowledge your feelings.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, man, I'm sick of mature Rafael and Petra too.
But you have nothing to worry about, because I can handle Katherine.
Just like I can handle Chuck.
He's the logical choice, a known entity.
You working with Chuck makes me uncomfortable, because I have no interest in Katherine.
You and Chuck have a romantic history.
How many more times and ways can I explain to you that I don't want to be with him? I know you don't.
But you've gone there before.
Slept with men to advance your interests.
Whereas I haven't crossed that line.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And speaking of crossing a line.
[WOMEN GIGGLING, CHATTERING IN SPANISH.]
Ciao.
[PHONE RINGING.]
[RINGTONE PLAYING.]
- Hello.
- The focus group chose me? Say hello to your abuela for me.
And stay away from my daughter! LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Aw.
Who knew comic books could be so romantic? I know.
I'm getting misty, too.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
It's just a minor fracture.
I was playing roofball with Adam.
- Uh, roofball? - Mm-hmm.
As in playing ball on a roof? Are you gonna be okay? Yeah.
But we need to talk about Mateo's school situation.
Because of my accident, I missed the appointment for Our Lady of Mercy, and now we don't even have the option of Catholic school.
Can you not smile? That was the best option we had.
I have another one.
Did you know that your parents live in the Elbamare School District? It's a great public school with a nine rating, plus music, art, TK.
We can enroll Mateo next year using their address.
And lie about where we live? Of course.
Of course your option is to lie.
Why am I surprised? - That's not fair.
- But it's true.
I mean, that's what you do.
You try to game the system.
Why wouldn't you? You grew up rich and entitled, and you think that the rules don't apply to you.
It was your grandmother's idea.
Yeah.
So as you're climbing off your high horse, try not to break your other leg.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Well, hello, Douche Jane.
I don't understand.
You told Rafael that we should lie to get Mateo into a better school? - - What? You used somebody else's address? DR.
GHAZALI: Back to real life for you.
No more excuses to lie around getting spoiled.
You are officially off of bed rest.
Hallelujah! - Oh, thank God.
- I'll see you next week.
[SIGHS.]
So before you drop me off? Yes? Let's go see that freakin' nursery.
Really? But nobody better rub my belly when I'm there.
I'm not friggin' public property.
I think that look on your face will scare them off.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I think that's a smile? I would have gone with a less tacky mobile, but it's nice.
[SIGHS.]
I'll take it.
Thank you, Rogelio.
You're welcome.
And I swear I will not put work first when the baby comes.
I want to be a good co-parent with you.
I know.
We had a friendship once.
Long, long, long ago.
Can we again? Let's try.
Now I have something to show you, too.
Welcome to your relaxation room.
Your lady cave.
Rogelio.
What's this for? Well, I spent some time with some women today.
In a focus group.
And I learned that sometimes women feel underappreciated.
And sometimes it's nice to have a room of one's own.
I know you're going through a lot with Darci, the baby, the dance studio.
So whenever you want to decompress, this is the place.
This is so sweet.
And thoughtful.
My ladies group taught me that sometimes it's nice to do things without being asked.
They did, huh? [MOANS.]
That's not all they taught me.
I guess I realized that I was the one who was spoiled.
I took you and your money for granted.
And I'm sorry.
It's okay.
It's not.
Look, I I-I don't want to fight anymore.
Can we be friends again? I'd like that.
Me, too.
And I mean that.
The financial privileges you've given this family has been huge.
And parenting without it is gonna be harder and lead to making harder choices.
And so, let's do it.
Use my parents' address.
[CHUCKLES.]
Don't worry.
It won't be for long.
'Cause I'm gonna get it all back.
The money, the hotel, everything.
Okay.
But until then, the family is gonna need to make some changes.
Buckle down a little, grow up.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Which brings us here.
You have to take the job.
But I've already decided that I'm staying.
Well, you shouldn't, not if I'm part of the equation, because honestly I don't think that we'll work long-term.
What are you talking about? These past few weeks have been Amazing.
But not real life.
And it's come with a cost.
I mean, Mateo may not have anywhere to go to school next year.
And I can't drive for a month.
- Jane.
- And this.
This, this is incredibly sweet.
But it's a fantasy.
In reality, these panels would be lice checks, and Mateo puking and getting in trouble at school, and you texting me that you'll be home late, but I don't get it because I already fell asleep, and a lot of other not-fun things.
I know you have a kid, Jane.
And I know that makes everything way more complicated.
But just like the school meeting, if I'd known about it, I-I would've set my alarm, I-I would've dragged your ass out of bed.
You're the one compartmentalizing.
Because you can't meet Mateo yet it's too early and without you meeting him, I don't know how you fit in my life.
That's exactly my point.
You can't know.
Then why did you ask me to make this huge decision about your job? I didn't ask you to make this decision.
I-I was just asking you if you wanted me to stay.
- Of course I want you to stay! - Okay, well, then I'm staying! I'm staying.
I'm gonna need you to kiss me.
What are you doing? Making you work for it.
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
[MOANS.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
PETRA: Rafael? [DOOR CLOSES.]
Thought we could use a little romance.
Which we were not gonna get at Jane's house.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
Yeah, I've been thinking.
And you're right.
I should trust you.
Let's go with Chuck.
No.
You want to go with Katherine? Neither.
I'm serious.
I've decided I can deal with Anezka long enough for us to find the right investor, someone with no strings.
I can handle Katherine.
Okay? I am not gonna sleep with her.
I'm not that person.
But there'll always be a part of you that thinks I am.
What? It's true.
And I don't blame you.
I've cheated.
But at the same time that's not who I am.
And I need a fresh start.
What kind of fresh start? Romantically.
Are you breaking up with me? We just decided to be mature and try.
And we have been.
But I'm just tired of the effort, frankly.
And it's not what I want.
Then why did you get back together with me? I'm not completely sure.
- I shouldn't have.
- [SCOFFS.]
Maybe you just chose Jane so many times that when you finally chose me, I didn't want to say no.
Or maybe I just needed to be the one to end it.
Well, I'm happy to help you on your journey of self-empowerment.
I'm sorry, Rafael.
Just go! Even the stench of his mediocrity is gone.
It feels amazing to have my set back.
I will never have to see Fabian and his deformed kitten again.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, thank you.
It's great to be number one on the call sheet.
Well, co-number one.
[GASPS.]
No, this can't be.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: But it is.
[MAN LAUGHING.]
- - Wow.
[GASPS.]
I was just seeing where I sit.
For when I win.
How funny.
I was just seeing where I sit for when I win.
Well, we can't both win.
Dang it! Cut! [GASPS.]
Where's Fabian? Get that delusional has-been back here this instant! This is my worst nightmare.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: It's actually about to get a whole lot worse.
[LAUGHS.]
Stop it.
Whoa, why are they talking? Why-why is she laughing like that? XIOMARA: Oh, God.
I think he likes her? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ya think? From chemical attraction to an indecent proposal.
See? Isn't this nicer than some crowded restaurant? It is.
Wait.
We have to toast to working together.
I just hope we're compatible.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Say good-bye to Zen Rafael.
PETRA: You won't break me.
I built this hotel, and nothing you can do will make me give it up.
Whatever you are saying, beautiful sister.
MAGDA: Hello, Petra.
That's right.
Granny's back.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I know! Straight out of a telenovela, right? Which reminds me.
One.
Of.
These.
People.
Will.
Die! What can I say? It's the oldest trick in the book, right?