Keeping Up Appearances s04e02 Episode Script

( theme music playing ) I KNOW I'M NOT ENCOURAGED TO HAVE AN INQUIRING MIND, BUT WHY ARE WE GOING TO WHEREVER I'M TAKING YOU? OUR DESTINATION IS THE MANOR HOUSE FUNCTION ROOMS IN MORTON ROAD.
I HAVE TO SEE TO THE ARRANGEMENTS FOR TODAY'S LADIES' LUNCHEON CLUB.
THEY RELY ON ME SO.
DOES THAT MEAN YOU WON'T BE AT HOME FOR LUNCH? ( chuckles ) OF COURSE, I WON'T BE AT HOME FOR LUNCH, DEAR.
WE HAVE A SPECIAL SPEAKER TODAY.
YOU'LL HAVE TO MANAGE ON YOUR OWN, FOR ONCE.
( whistling ) THE MOLECULAR BIOLOGIS WILL TELL YOU THAT 98% OF OUR GENES, ARE IDENTICAL TO THOSE OF MONKEYS.
LESS THAN 2% ARE SPECIFICALLY HUMAN.
SO? SO WHY DO I WAKE UP CRAVING FOR A FAG AND NOT A BANANA? YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING "OPEN UNIVERSITY" AGAIN.
IT BROADENS YOUR INTELLECTUAL HORIZONS.
THAT'S TRUE.
IF IT WASN' FOR YOUR HANDICAP, YOU'D HAVE GONE FAR.
WHAT HANDICAP? BONE-IDLENESS.
THAT'S NOT A HANDICAP.
IT'S A PHILOSOPHICAL POSITION.
I'M MAKING A STATEMENT.
I WISH YOU WOULDN' LIE THERE LOOKING CRIMINALLY ATTRACTIVE, WHEN I'M READING A PASSIONATE LOVE STORY.
RIGHT.
WELL, I CAN' STAY HERE ALL DAY.
NOW, IT'S ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL THAT EVERYTHING SHOULD GO SMOOTHLY.
WE'RE VERY FORTUNATE TO HAVE TODAY'S SPEAKER.
THE COMMODORE IS AN INTERNATIONALLY FAMOUS ROUND-THE-WORLD YACHTSMAN.
WHODRINKS? - THE COMMODORE.
- WHERE DID YOU HEAR THIS? AT THE TIME OF THAT SCANDAL THAT LED TO HIS DIVORCE.
OH YES, APPARENTLY HE DOES LIKE THE LADIES.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT SAILORS ARE.
NOT PERSONALLY, NO.
I'M AFRAID IT'S PROBABLY A BIT LATE TO BEGIN REMEDYING THAT.
IT SHOULD BE ALL RIGHT, AS LONG AS WE KEEP HIM AWAY FROM THE BRANDY.
( laughter ) I EXPECT IT'S ALL BEEN GROSSLY EXAGGERATED.
YOU KNOW HOW THE PAPERS ARE.
Hello! THE BUCKET WOMAN! GOODNESS ME! NOT EVEN A QUARTUM.
HOW VERY FORTUNATE I DROPPED IN.
( classical music playing ) AND THAT'S SHERIDAN IN HIS SCOUT UNIFORM.
HE MADE HIS MOMMY A LOVELY FIRE IN THE GARDEN.
SINGLE-HANDEDLY AND WITH ONE MATCH, HE COMPLETELY DESTROYED THE POTTING SHED.
FASCINATING! - NOW - OF COURSE, I'D LOVE TO STAY ALL DAY, BUT I HAVE TO FIND A VOLUNTEER TO COLLECT TODAY'S SPEAKER FROM THE STATION.
HMM? LOOK NO FURTHER, MISS WILKINSON.
I SHALL ATTEND TO THE COMMODORE PERSONALLY.
OH, I'M SURE WE NEEDN' BOTHER YOU, MRS.
BUCK-- "BOUQUET.
" LEAVE IT TO ME.
I SHALL TAKE THE COMMODORE UNDER MY WING.
MY HUSBAND AND I GO BOATING OCCASIONALLY.
IT WILL BE VERY COMFORTING FOR THE COMMODORE TO MEE WITH HIS OWN KIND.
"AND GOD BLESS ALL WHO SAIL IN HER.
" GOOD MORNING, ELIZABETH.
MORNING, HYACINTH.
SHALL YOU BE WITH US AT THE LADIES' LUNCHEON TODAY? OH YES, I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO THE SPEAKER.
I'VE JUST COME FROM THERE NOW.
I WANTED TO MAKE SURE THAT ALL THE ARRANGEMENTS WERE PROCEEDING SATISFACTORILY.
I THOUGH THE COMMITTEE DID THAT.
( laughs ) GOOD HEAVENS, NO.
ONE CAN'T LEAVE THAT SORT OF THING TO COMMITTEES.
NO.
THEY NEED MY INFLUENTIAL INPUT.
( racing commentator speaking on TV ) ( loudly ) I'M OFF TO WORK, THEN.
DON'T DISTURB YOURSELVES.
( volume increases ) GRINDING LABOR SELLING JEWELRY DOOR TO DOOR, TO MAKE A LIVING! ( yells ) I'M GOING THEN! LUGGING A SAMPLE CASE-- HIGHHEELS.
DON'T WEAR HIGH HEELS.
ALL I'VE GO IS HIGH HEELS.
WHAT I REALLY NEED IS TRANSPORT.
IF I HAD TRANSPORT, A DRIVER-- TO RUN ME AROUND, I COULD DRAMATICALLY INCREASE THE RANGE OF MY EARNING POWER.
WHAT ABOUT ONE OF YOUR BOYFRIENDS? ALL THEY WANT TO DO IS MESS ABOUT.
( giggles ) I'M A WORKING GIRL.
I HAVEN'T TIME FOR MESSING ABOUT.
I REMEMBER WHEN WE USED TO MESS ABOUT.
I'LL GET THE CAR.
WHEN WE BRING THE COMMODORE HERE FOR A SHERRY ON THE WAY TO THE LUNCHEON, I SHALL USE OUR "GOLDEN GALLEON" GLASSES, THE ONES WE WERE GIVEN WHEN WE WERE INVITED ON BOARD "THE MARY-ROSE.
" WE DIDN'T GO ON BOARD.
WE BOUGHT TICKETS TO SEE WHAT'S LEFT OF THE HULL.
DON'T BE PEDANTIC, RICHARD.
ANYWAY, THAT'S WHERE WE ACQUIRED THE "GOLDEN GALLEON" GLASSES.
AT "THE MARY-ROSE.
" ACTUALLY, WE BOUGHT THEM IN A CHARITY CAR-BOOT SALE, AROUND THE BACK OF PORTSMOUTH GASWORKS.
WE DID.
WELL, THE COMMODORE WON'T KNOW THAT, DEAR.
( spray can hisses ) DON'T FORGET, RICHARD-- IF THERE'S A LULL IN THE CONVERSATION, YOU CAN SHOW HIM OUR BOATING PICTURES.
OH, HYACINTH! ONE AFTERNOON, WE WENT ON THE RIVER, AND YOU FELL IN.
OH, RICHARD! WHY ARE YOU BRINGING HIM HERE AT ALL? TO GIVE THE MAN A LITTLE CONVIVIAL HOSPITALITY PRIOR TO THE OFFICIAL LUNCHEON.
OH, I OUGHT TO INVITE A FEW FRIENDS IN, TO MEET THE CELEBRATED OLD SEA DOG.
( birds chirping ) OH, LET'S HAVE A LITTLE SHERRY IF WE'RE GOING TO SEA.
COFFEE IN 10 MINUTES, EMMET.
BRING ELIZABETH.
YOU MUST BOTH COME AND HEAR MY VERY IMPORTANT PLANS FOR THE COMMODORE.
SHALL WE PU A FEW FLAGS OUT? DON'T NAVAL PERSONNEL LIKE A FEW FLAGS? HAVE WE GO ANY FLAGS? WE HAVE A CHINESE ONE, DEAR.
REMEMBER, WE USED I WHEN I SANG A LITTLE SOMETHING FROM "THE KING AND I"? SIAM? WELL, WE DIDN'T HAVE A SIAMESE FLAG, DID WE? I FELT CHINESE WAS CLOSE ENOUGH.
WHAT WAS THE NUMBER I SANG? HOW DID IT GO? OH, I REMEMBER-- HAP, HAP-HAP, HAP-HAP-HAP HAPPY TALK! ( singing loudly ) TALK ABOUT THINGS YOU LIKE TO DO-OO THAT WAS "SOUTH PACIFIC.
" ( stammers ) F-FOR THE COMMODORE, I'M NOT SURE THAT THE CHINESE FLAG STRIKES QUITE THE RIGHT NOTE.
THAT'S NOT THE ONLY THING THAT DOESN'T STRIKE THE RIGHT NOTE.
SHH.
AND YOU MUST REMEMBER SOME SEA STORIES, RICHARD.
WHY SHOULD I KNOW ANY SEA STORIES? RICHARD, YOU ARE BRITISH AND THE SEA IS IN YOUR BLOOD.
BISCUIT? OH, THANK YOU.
OH! NO DOILY! NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK WOULD MAKE THE COMMODORE FEEL REALLY AT HOME? I KNOW.
EMMET, YOU CAN PLAY, AND WE'LL ALL SING SEA SHANTYS.
( crashes ) ELIZAB-- REALLY, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY, HYACINTH.
NOW PLEASE, THINK NO MORE ABOUT IT, EMMET.
THESE ACCIDENTS WILL HAPPEN.
AND ALWAYS WITH MY CHINA.
I'M NOT USUALLY THAT CLUMSY.
THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS, IS THAT YOU'VE NOT RUINED YOUR MUSICIAN'S HANDS.
JUST MY RUG.
ANYWAY, I'M SURE THE STAIN WILL COME OUT EVENTUALLY.
( laughs ) WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT? NOW YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS, SHE'S GOT YOU! YOU'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LIFT A COFFEE CUP IN THAT HOUSE AGAIN.
NONSENSE! SHE JUST CAUGHT ME WITH THAT SEA SHANTY BIT, THAT'S ALL.
( laughing ) I USED TO THINK A BAD MARRIAGE WAS THE WORS THING THAT HAPPENED TO ME.
BUT YOU CAN DIVORCE WIVES.
WHEREAS THERE'S NO CURE WHATSOEVER FOR A SINGING NEIGHBOR! LISTEN CAREFULLY, DEAR.
MESSAGE IMMINENT.
I SHALL BE IN THERE WITH THE COMMODORE, HAVING OUR FIRST SHERRY.
YOU CAN WAIT OUT HERE, SOAKING UP THE ATMOSPHERE.
AS I GIVE THE TOAST, "THE ROYAL NAVY," YOU WILL HEAR THE CHINK OF GLASS-- AS OUR "GOLDEN GALLEONS" MEET.
IT'S QUITE LIKELY, CONSIDERING HOW CHEAP THEY WERE.
RICHARD, DON'T SPOIL EVERYTHING, DEAR.
THEN I SHALL GIVE THIS BELL - A DELICATE TINKLE - ( tinkling softly ) AND YOU WILL MOVE TO THE DOOR HERE AND BEGIN TO SING.
- SING? - YES DEAR, SING-- HEARTS OF OAK ARE OUR SHIPS HEARTS OF OAK ARE OUR MEN-- I WANT TO HEAR I NOW, RICHARD.
STEADY, BOY ( low-pitched ) STEADY.
"STEADY BOY, STEADY," RICHARD.
( throaty-voiced ) STEADY-YY, BOY STEADY-YY.
NO DEAR, WITH FEELING.
WE WANT TO MAKE THE COMMODORE FEEL QUITE AT HOME.
( tinkling ) AND YOUR HUSBAND ALL AT SEA.
- NOW TRY THAT ONE! - WHY THAT ONE? YOU'VE GO TO START SOMEWHERE.
IF I DID THIS ONE AND YOU DID ONE OVER THERE, WE'D BE FINISHED MUCH QUICKER.
IT'S AMAZING HOW QUICKLY THE SHEER INCONVENIENCE OF WORK COMES BACK TO ME.
OOH, YOU GOT DOG HAIRS ALL OVER YOUR CAR.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO RING THE BELL OR JUS STAND THERE PANTING.
WHAT IS IT? JEWELRY.
IT'S IN THE DRAWER IN THE DRESSING CUPBOARD.
I'VE PHONED THE STATION, RICHARD.
AND THE TRAIN FROM RUGBY ARRIVES AT 11:38.
- WHY RUGBY? - BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE THE COMMODORE LIVES.
FUNNY PLACE FOR A SAILOR.
I SHOULDN'T BE SURPRISED, RICHARD, IF AFTER THIS WE DON'T END UP AS PERMANENT FRIENDS.
WE DON' HAVE TO BE FRIENDS.
WE'RE MARRIED.
HMM? I MEAN THE COMMODORE AND OURSELVES.
- OH! - OOH.
WHAT A COUP FOR ONE OF MY CANDLELIGHT SUPPERS.
( phone ringing ) OOH! I BETTER ANSWER THAT, DEAR.
IT MAY BE SOMEONE IMPORTANT.
( ringing continues ) THE BOUQUET RESIDENCE, THE LADY OF THE HOUSE SPEAKING.
IT'S THE CHAIRLADY FROM OUR LADIES' LUNCHEON CLUB.
( sharply ) OH-HH.
THE COMMODORE? OH YES, EVERYTHING'S SHIPSHAPE.
WHAT DO I KNOW ABOUT SAILORS? WELL-- THEY TRAVEL ABOU ON SHIPS, DANCE THE HORNPIPE, TIE KNOTS IN THINGS.
I KNOW THAT SAILORS HAVE A CERTAIN REPUTATION WHEN IT COMES TO THE LADIES, YES.
OH.
THANK YOU FOR WARNING ME.
HMM.
IF I NEED ADVICE, I KNOW A PERSON CALLED ROSE WHO I'M SURE IS A FOUN OF INFORMATION.
GOODBYE.
SHE WAS PHONING ME TO WARN ME ABOU THE COMMODORE.
APPARENTLY, HE LIKES THE LADIES.
FUNNY WAY TO SHOW IT-- SPENDING YOUR LIFE AT SEA.
THEY OBVIOUSLY SEES ME AS SOMEONE WHO MIGH EASILY TURN THE HEAD OF A ROMANTIC SAILOR.
COME ALONG, RICHARD DEAR.
DON'T JUST SIT THERE.
WE MUSTN'T BE LATE FOR THE COMMODORE.
WHERE'S THE PRESS? IF THEY SEND A PHOTOGRAPHER, IT WILL BE TO THE LUNCHEON, NOT THE STATION.
WELL, I THINK THAT SHOWS A SINGULAR LACK OF INITIATIVE.
DON'T THEY REALIZE THAT THE COMMODORE COULD BE SWAMPED BY EAGER LADIES? - I'LL PARK THE CAR.
- PARK IT HERE, DEAR.
NO, I CAN'T.
THIS IS JUS FOR UNLOADING.
THAT DOESN'T APPLY TO CELEBRITIES.
THEN I'LL HAVE TO STAY WITH THE CAR.
I SHALL GO AND TELL THE STATIONMASTER THAT WE ARE HERE TO MEET A V.
I.
P.
COME ALONG.
COME ON, DEAR.
RICHARD, LOOK.
NOTHING.
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
THIS CAN'T BE THE PLATFORM.
THIS IS THE PLATFORM, HYACINTH.
I CHECKED THE INDICATOR BOARD AS WE PASSED.
THEN WHERE'S THE RED CARPET? WHY WOULD THERE BE A RED CARPET? FOR A MAN WHO SAILS SINGLE-HANDED ROUND SOMETHING, THERE OUGHT TO BE A RED CARPET.
GET ME THE STATIONMASTER.
DO WE REALLY NEED THE STATIONMASTER? TO THE STATIONMASTER! ( mutters ) "TO THE STATIONMASTER.
" I'M SORRY, MADAM, BUT THE RED CARPE IS RESERVED FOR ROYALTY.
WHAT? ALL OF IT? I MEAN-- COULDN'T YOU TURN IT OVER AND USE THE OTHER SIDE? I'M AFRAID THAT WOULD BE AGAINST REGULATIONS, MADAM.
I THINK THAT'S APPALLING WHEN SINGLE-HANDEDLY, THIS MAN HAS SAILED AROUND SOMETHING.
- THE HORN.
- HMM? - THE HORN! - GOOD IDEA, RICHARD.
HAVE YOU GOT A HORN? I BEG YOUR PARDON? IF WE CAN'T HAVE THE RED CARPET, COULD YOU BLOW YOUR HORN? NO, THE COMMODORE SAILED AROUND THE HORN SINGLE-HANDED.
THERE YOU ARE, YOU SEE? ROUND THE HORN, SINGLE-HANDED.
AND HE HAS TO COME HERE TO AN UNMARKED PLATFORM.
- HAVEN'T YOU GOT A BAND? - NO, MADAM! CAN'T YOU EVEN FIND A PORTER WHO CAN PLAY THE MOUTH-ORGAN? ( snaps ) UGH, UNBELIEVABLE! THE VAST RESOURCES OF BRITISH RAIL, AND THEY CAN'T EVEN PROVIDE A BAND.
WHERE IS THIS "HORN" THING, ANYWAY? THE EXTREME TIP OF SOUTH AMERICA.
SAILORS' NIGHTMARE.
IT BLOWS DOWN THERE.
WELL, OF COURSE IT BLOWS, IT'S A HORN.
HERE'S THE TRAIN NOW.
DO WE KNOW WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE? HMM? I FANCY I CAN RECOGNIZE AN OLD SEA DOG WHEN I SEE ONE.
AH! COME ALONG, RICHARD.
COMMODORE! EVERYTHING SHIPSHAPE, I HOPE? BRIGHT AND BRISTOL FASHION? HAVE YOU BROUGHT YOUR HORN? "HORN"? YOU SEEM TO BE LABORING UNDER SOME MISAPPREHENSION, MADAM.
OBVIOUSLY THE SHY TYPE.
SEE HOW MUCH WE HAVE IN COMMON? COME ALONG, COMMODORE.
FIRST WE TIE UP FOR A LIGHT REFRESHMENT, AND THEN, THE LADIES ARE WAITING.
I AM NO A COMMODORE.
IS SHE MAD? SHE'S MY WIFE.
YOU HAVE MY DEEPEST SYMPATHY.
HOW DARE HE WEAR A BEARD LIKE THAT? MASQUERADING AS NAVAL PERSONNEL.
BUT HOW ARE WE GONNA FIND THE COMMODORE IN THIS LOT? LEAVE THA TO ME, DEAR.
OH, SHENANDOAH, I LOVE YOUR DAUGHTER AWAY-YY YOU ROLLING RIVER-- OH, SHEN-- THEY'VE GOT TIME FOR A CUP OF TEA.
YES, I'M SURE THEY HAVE.
HE'S BOUND TO BE ON THE NEXT ONE.
WHAT TIME'S IT DUE? 12:18.
THAT CLOCK MUST HAVE STOPPED.
Attention please, British Rail regrets to announce that due to an landslip affecting the embankment between Middleton and here, trains are being terminated at Middleton until further notice.
The first train to be affected will be the 12:18 from Rugby.
OH, NO! POOR COMMODORE, LOST IN A LANDSLIP.
- WHAT A PITY.
WE BETTER GO HOME.
- RICHARD! I WILL NO LEAVE THE COMMODORE WITHOUT A LIFEBOAT.
WE SHALL DRIVE TO MIDDLETON AND RESCUE HIM.
COME ALONG.
OH, NO! WHAT AN IMPERTINENCE! TAKE IT OFF, DEAR.
I CAN'T TAKE IT OFF.
REALLY, RICHARD! I WONDER IF YOUR HEART'S FULLY SET ON THIS EXPEDITION.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S SET-- TEETHARE SET.
OH LOOK, THERE'S THE VICAR! THERE ARE TIMES, RICHARD WHEN THERE IS A DESTINY THAT SHAPES OUR ENDS.
TELL WILLY TO KEEP OFF THE SHERRY.
VICAR! YOU'RE HEAVEN SENT.
MRS.
BUCK-- BOUQUET! A MIRACLE! YES, ISN'T IT-- HOW YOU KEEP POPPING UP? I'VE BEEN CLAMPED! TYPICAL! OF ALL THE CHOICES RICHARD IS THE ONE THAT GETS CLAMPED.
YOU MUS DRIVE US TO MIDDLETON.
I'LL EXPLAIN ON THE WAY.
- IN YOU GO, DEAR.
- MIDDLETON? I HADN'T PLANNED ON GOING TO MIDDLETON.
I DON'T THINK SHE'S LISTENING.
TAKE THE LOW ROAD.
I SHALL RELAY THE CONVOLUTIONS OF THE COMMODORE'S CONFUSIONS AS WE GO ALONG.
SO THERE YOU HAVE IT, VICAR.
MIND THE PEDESTRIAN.
WHICH PEDESTRIAN.
WHERE? ON THE PAVEMENT.
ISN'T THAT WHERE HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE? TOO LATE NOW.
HE'S GONE.
LUCKY YOU MISSED HIM.
BAD LUCK BEING CLAMPED.
SWEAR IF YOU WANT TO-- UNDER YOUR BREATH, OF COURSE.
- THANKS.
I ALREADY HAVE.
- SO HAVE I.
EXCUSE ME, HAVE YOU SEEN A COMMODORE? IS THAT A TYPE OF BUTTERFLY? - WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH HIM? - DONE WITH WHO? THE COMMODORE! THE ONE THAT'S COMING FROM RUGBY.
I HAVEN'T SEEN NO COMMODORES.
ANYCOMMODORES.
" WELL, THAT MAKES TWO OF US THAT HASN'T SEEN HIM.
YOU'VE LOST HIM.
REALLY, HOW CARELESS! I HOPE THEY DON' TRANSFER YOU TO THEIR "RED STAR" SERVICE.
I'M SORRY YOU'RE HAVING ALL THESE PROBLEMS, MRS.
BUCKET.
BOUQUET.
WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO DROP YOU OFF? WELL, IT WOULD BE WONDERFUL IF YOU COULD TAKE ME TO THE MANOR HOUSE FUNCTION ROOMS.
THAT'S ON THE OTHER SIDE OF TOWN.
OH GOOD, YOU KNOW IT.
THAT SAVES ME GIVING YOU DIRECTIONS.
IF YOU COULD DROP ME AT THE STATION ON THE WAY I MUST DO SOMETHING ABOUT MY CAR.
YES, OF COURSE.
( tersely ) IT WILL BE A PLEASURE.
WOULD YOU MIND WAITING A MOMENT, VICAR? I ONLY HAVE TO TELL THEM ABOUT THE COMMODORE.
AND THEN, IF YOU'D BE SO KIND, I SHALL BE VERY GRATEFUL, IF YOU'D DROP ME OFF AT HOME.
BUT THAT MEANS GOING RIGHT TO THE OTHER-- IT MUST BE ON YOUR WAY BACK TO THE VICARAGE.
- ARE YOU OFF? - HMM? - WASN'T HE GOOD? VERY ENTERTAINING.
- WHO? THE COMMODORE! WHAT A GOOD SPEAKER! - THE COMMODORE? - YES! - YOU MEAN HE'S ARRIVED? - OH, HE WAS AWFULLY GOOD.
HE'S SO MUCH IN DEMAND, WE WERE LUCKY HE COULD FIT US IN.
- HE WAS IN CHELTENHAM LAST NIGHT.
- CHELTENHAM? YES, DASHED UP HERE ON THE TRAIN FROM THERE THIS MORNING.
- YES.
OH, THAT SOUNDS AS IF IT'S ALL OVER.
HE'LL PROBABLY BE DASHING OFF BACK TO THE STATION.
THANK YOU ONCE AGAIN, COMMODORE! IT WAS SPLENDID OF YOU TO GIVE US YOUR TIME.
ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE SO BUSY, WHAT? A PLEASURE, I ASSURE YOU.
IT'S NICE TO MEET SUCH A LO OF SPLENDID LADIES.
- ( Commodore laughs ) -Miss Wilkinson:THANK YOU.
OH, THERE YOU ARE, MRS.
BUCKET.
WE WONDERED WHAT HAD HAPPENED TO YOU.
THIS IS THE LADY WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO PICK YOU UP AT THE STATION.
TO DO SO.
DID SHE? BLESS HER.
WELL ALL THE NICE GIRLS LOVE A SAILOR.
AYE-AYE, COMMODORE.
WAS THERE SOME PROBLEM? PROBLEM? NO.
NO, NOT REALLY.
I MAY HAVE BEEN WAITING ON THE WRONG PLATFORM.
NEVER MIND.
WHERE CAN I GET A TAXI BACK TO THE STATION? - I'LL PHONE FOR ONE RIGHT AWAY! - NO NEED FOR THAT.
I HAVE A CAR STANDING BY.
REALLY? OH, THAT'S VERY KIND OF YOU.
THANK YOU FOR THE LUNCH.
YOU.
COME ALONG, MY DEAR.
LEAD ON.
VICAR, THIS IS THE COMMODORE.
THERE WAS A SLIGH MIX-UP EARLIER.
HE NOW NEEDS TO GET TO THE STATION TO CATCH HIS TRAIN.
I TOLD HIM I'M SURE YOU WOULD OBLIGE.
- THE STATION? - THAT'S RIGHT.
THANK YOU, VICAR.
- AFTER YOU.
- THANK YOU.
MOVE OVER, PET.
I MUST SAY, YOU'RE A FINE-LOOKING FRIGATE TO COME ALONGSIDE.
- HMM? PARDON? - YES-- A WELL-BUILT, SOLID-LOOKING CRAFT.
HMM? MAYBE HERE AND THERE.
PLEASE, COMMODORE! ( chuckles ) ALL IN GOOD TIME.
DON'T RUSH ME, MY DEAR.
( stammers ) VERY-- V-VERY VERY WARM IN HERE.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, MRS.
BOUQUET? I'LL SAY SHE IS.
SMASHING BIT OF ALL RIGHT.
I WOULDN'T MIND BEING SHIPWRECKED WITH YOU, MY DARLING.
DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP THE CAR FOR YOU, MRS.
BOUQUET? CAN'T DO THAT.
I'LL MISS MY TRAIN, VICAR.
JUST THINK OF IT.
THE TROPIC NIGHTS, A HUGE MOON-- BUT I-I-I-- I'M A MA-MARRIED WOMAN.
IT DOESN'T WORRY ME, OLD GIRL.
COME ON, GIVE US A KISS.
( strained scream ) KEEP DRIVING, VICAR! KEEP DRIVING! ( theme music playing )