Kickin' It (2011) s04e02 Episode Script

Although she's gone, Edna will always be a beloved part of our dojo.
She may have been 102, but she could still hi-yah with the best of 'em.
And finally - (Clearing throat) (Continues loudly) Rudy, would you like to say something? What?! No, I don't I don't even know what I It's fine.
Okay then, in conclusion well, if you insist, I mean We're here, so (Clears throat) (Somber string music playing) Edna.
"E" is for energetic.
"D" is for darling.
"N" is for neck because she had one.
The "n" s are hard for me.
And "a" is for awesome.
(Light applause) And now for her last name.
Girschenmeyerflugenbompter.
"G" is for Rudy, thank you.
Now a few words from her favorite sparring partner, Milton Krupnick.
It feels like only yesterday that Edna looked me in the eye and said, "Eat mat, beanpole!" To make sure she's here in spirit to spar with us for many more years to come, I present the Edna Girschenmeyerflugenbompter memorial sparring partner.
- "G" is for - Both: Rudy.
That's the face she made when she was in her Beast mode.
(Soft murmurs) It's got a recording of Edna's grunts inside.
So please, as you leave, say good-bye to Edna the way she would have wanted.
(Grunting) (Grunts) Gentlemen, I was Edna's lawyer.
Jack's the sensei in charge.
Sue him.
No, I'm here to let you know that the three of you are in her will.
And Edna was a very wealthy woman.
That's not important.
What matters is Edna was a beautiful soul.
And how much money are we talking about, now? I'll come by tomorrow and tell you what she's left you.
- Yes! - We're gonna be rich.
Guys, please.
We just lost Edna, all right? Have a little respect.
You should be ashamed.
KaChing! - Winner winner! Show me the money! (Rock music playing) Don't you get all tough with me I'm saying won't you come kick it with me? and we could have a ball, run up the wall that's just how we do and no matter how much I chop and punch it's not as cool as kickin' it with you here we go, let's start the party chop it up like it's karate everybody won't you come kick it with me? and we could have a ball, run up the wall that's just how we do and no matter how much I chop and punch it's not as cool as kickin' it with you.
This is so exciting.
I can't believe Edna named us in her will.
(Whimpering) I just heard about Edna.
Oh, I loved her more than anything.
You're not in the will, Jerry.
I'm going bowling.
You know, since I was her favorite sparring partner, Edna probably left me a little more money than you.
What are you talking about? I did her a favor and took her granddaughter to a dance which was kind of weird, 'cause hazel was 63.
You know, maybe we should just listen to Rudy and not spin out about some money we don't have.
I just found an island online.
I am going to buy it and declare myself king! Let me guess king of the island guy.
There's one at every will reading.
Edna's been very generous with her fortune.
So far today, I've given away a yacht (Gasping) A helicopter And a diamond the size of my foot.
Mm, I've been looking for a foot diamond.
"To Rudy Gillespie Jack brewer, and Milton krupnick, I leave ten" Million dollars.
Ten million dollars! We're rich! (Exclaiming and laughing) Actually, it's ten acres of land.
Worth ten million dollars! (Laughing) Well, it is in paradise valley.
You hear that, boys? We're going to paradise.
- (Laughing) - Yeah! (Wolf howling) You hear that, boys? We're leaving paradise.
You know, Edna didn't leave me in her will because when I sparred with her, I kept it real, yo.
I mean, sure, it resulted in a broken hip, but, hey, we went right back to sparring once I healed.
There's a story about Edna in the paper.
She swam with the sharks.
She climbed mount Seaford.
And she made a fortune running her cluck-a-doodle donut shop.
I'll never forget her in that rooster suit outside her store, squatting out a dozen donut holes.
Doesn't get any fresher than that.
Edna knew how to live.
All the Phil does is work.
I will never get to do all the things that I want to get to do that I never get to do.
Well, like what, Phil? Three things "A" I want to do the skydive.
"B," I want to be on the TV.
And three, I want to meet famous action star Sylvester Stallion.
You know what, Phil I'm going to help you do those things.
Really, Jerry? Thank you.
Because of you, I will finally be the man that I always wanted to be.
Hey, kids The magic birthday princess is here! (All cheering) Kickin' it with you! Why would Edna leave us a worthless piece of land? I was so nice to her.
Were you? Every time she changed out of her gi, you would use her support hose to drain your pasta.
Good afternoon! Now, Mr.
poindexter said that you're the cowpokes Edna left her land to.
Yes, indeedy, we are said poked cows.
I saw you boys on your land earlier today.
Is everything all right? Because I heard a woman scream.
Yes.
Yes, that was a woman.
Rudy, that was - a woman Who screamed because she had never seen a tumbleweed before and thought it was capable of biting him her.
I'm Doyle Bronson.
I own the ranch next door.
I'm sure you city boys have no use for ten acres of scrub brush.
How about I do you a favor and give you $1,000 for it? - That's fantastic.
- I would love to.
No no no no no.
We are not interested in selling.
Thank you.
Rudy, we have a chance to dump that worthless piece of land and make some real money.
Oh Young, naive Jack.
Business negotiations are like a dance.
And you're about ready to watch me do a tango with that man.
It looks like you aren't interested in selling.
That's too bad.
Take care, y'all.
Y'all take care of yourselves also, y'all.
Rudy, he's getting away.
Look, relax.
He's going to go to his car, pretend like he's leaving, turn around, come back, and double his offer.
He's walking to his car.
And the dance begins.
He's getting in his car.
Ole.
- (Engine running) - And he just drove off.
What? Oh, no, what have I done?! - (Car accelerating) - Hey! Come back! We haven't finished our tango.
Come on, man.
Dance with me! There's something weird going on here, Rudy.
Why would he offer us 1,000 bucks for that worthless piece of land? Yeah.
Maybe you're right, Milton.
Maybe it's not worthless.
Nope.
It's totally worthless.
There's nothing here.
Nothing here! (Thuds loudly) There is something here.
A big, giant hole.
And you found it.
Oh, Jerry, thank you for getting me on TV.
Yo, quiet quiet quiet.
It's on.
(Jaunty music playing) I know what I smell, and it's bacon.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
We're back.
Welcome to "Chap Chat.
" I'm chappy Chapman.
Up next is a segment that I did earlier with local businessman falafel Phil.
Woman: This is a test of the seaford emergency network system.
(Sustained beeping) What what is happening? What is with the ah Well, don't worry, Phil.
I'm sure they'll cut right back to you.
There'll be plenty of time left in the show.
That's all the time we have leno one saw my face.
I was not on the TV.
What about my list? Don't worry, Phil.
Look, I promise I'll get you on next week.
Unfortunately, there will be no next week.
I've been cancelled.
My boss thinks, and I quote, I'm a "narcissistic, mustachioed, hulking freak who doesn't belong on TV.
" Wellknow Wha ed I'll show you hulking freak! Aah! (Sustained beeping) Whoa.
What is this place? Anyone want to ask if I'm all right? I've got a stalagmite lodged in my looks like a series of tunnels.
Is there anything mentioned about it on the land deed? (Whispering) Guys, look at the wall.
This isn't just a deed.
It's a secret map.
No no no.
It's more than that.
It's also A bunny.
Look, now it's the eiffel tower.
Rudy, this is no time whoa.
That's some solid shadow work.
Guys, these aren't just tunnels.
This is a gold mine.
Edna did like us.
We're rich.
We're rich! - We're rich, we're rich, we're rich! - Yes! (Thuds) I have got to stop jumping.
(Creaking) (Gasps) Four Five.
This is it.
This is the fifth support timber.
According to Edna's map, the last vein of gold in the mine should be in this section.
All right, now, before we get started, I just want to say that when people come into sudden wealth, it can sometimes change 'em.
Friends have been known to turn on one another.
The miners called it "gold fever.
" Yeah, and I just want you to know that that's Exactly what's going to happen to me.
Rudy, we're not going to do those things.
Oh, no.
I definitely am.
Yeah.
We haven't found a single nugget yet, and I'm already thinking of ways to get rid of you.
Join me, Milton.
We can take down Jack.
I'm not doing that.
Join me, Jack.
We can take down Milton.
We are partners.
Whatever we find, we'll put in a pile and split three ways.
Let's get to work.
- Guys guys, I see gold.
- Me too.
Nothing on this end.
Don't worry, Chuck.
I am trained professional.
I will get your retainer back.
I never ever stick my hands in the ball return.
It's very very dangerous.
I use my head.
(Groaning) Oh! There is the retainer, and, okay And oh! Oh, no.
Oh, no! I'm stuck! Chuck, Chuck, go get your mommy.
Go! Yo, Phil.
Phil, check it.
Sylvester stallion was in town for the premiere of his new movie "Crocky II.
" I got him to come by so he could meet you.
What?! (Mumbling) You know, whenever I'm in town, I always do what I can for my fans.
You know what I'm saying? No, I really don't.
Uh, hey, Stallion tell me, are you as pretty in person as you are in the moving picture? Yo, I can't understand a word this guy is saying.
Gotta go.
No, come back! Stallion, don't go! Jerry, get me out of here.
Oh, wait wait wait.
I just got an idea.
The ball will come back up the return and pop you out.
What? No.
Jerry, no.
That's a very bad idea.
A very bad (Groans) Good news, Chuck.
I found your retainer.
(Thuds) All right, guys let's take a break, dump our buckets of gold in this wheelbarrow, and see how much we got.
- Impressive.
- Nice.
All right.
(SIGHS) That's what I'm talking about.
- Wow.
- All right.
Stand back, boys.
It's time for the mother lode.
(Groans) - All right.
- (Grunts) Cha-Ching! Time for that three-way split.
Hey, not so fast, Rudy.
We've been working the same vein for two hours.
I get a bucketful, Milton gets a bucketful, and you get a pebble? Jack's right.
You're hoarding it.
How dare you.
I don't have to stand here and listen to you call me a thief.
(Jingling) If he's stealing gold, then I'm taking this.
If it wasn't for me being able to read the map, there wouldn't be any gold.
Hey, whoa! Once we got here, I was the one who did most of the work.
Hey, we never even would have found the gold if I hadn't been smart enough to accidentally fall down a hole.
What? It's mine.
Whoa! Ahh! Hey, neighbors.
Thought you might like a little company.
If it's to try and buy our land, the price just went way up because this place is riddled with gold.
Rudy, he's not here to buy the land.
He's here to steal the gold.
What gold? There's no gold.
Oh, yes, there is.
And it's mine.
(Grunting and groaning) Come on, boys! You'll never get our gold.
'Cause it belongs to me.
- Us.
- Whatever.
You can keep your gold.
But you'll be down here with it forever.
No! Let's go, boys.
Let's get out of here.
(Laughing) He cut the bridge.
That was the only way out of here.
And the gap is too wide.
We'll never clear it.
I can jump it.
I just gotta build up enough speed.
Now, I know you didn't get on TV or get to meet Sylvester stallion, but you're definitely going skydiving.
But what about my fear of the airplane? That's why I got this giant fan.
It'll give you all the sensation of actual skydiving, but you'll never go more than five feet in the air.
You're sure this thing will work? It's a giant fan I got off the back of my cousin's swamp boat.
What could go wrong? That makes sense to the Phil.
Turn this bad boy up, bro.
Whirring) Okay.
Whoa.
Whoa.
I'm flying.
I'm flying! Oh, you can go a little higher than that.
Oh okay! Okay.
Little higher.
Whoa.
(Screams) Ooh Yeah, I guess that could go wrong.
This is chappy Chapman.
This is chappy Chapman live at the red carpet talking to Sylvester stallion.
What is "Crocky II" all about? (Mumbling) Well, it's a heart-wrenching tale about boxing, reptiles, and love.
So I throw a left and right hook.
And a salander (screaming) That's not good.
Back to you, Brittney.
What the I'm going to throw this pickax with a rope tied to it across, hookynamite, pull it over here and yank out the fuse.
You got it.
Okay, come on.
Easy easy.
Good good good.
Easy easy easy.
Okay.
All I have to do is pull it up, and oops.
The dynamite fell into the crevasse.
The fuse was still lit.
We're all gonna die.
Give me the pickaxes.
All right.
I'm going to use these pickaxes to give us handles so we can swing across.
(Quietly) Oh! (Groaning) (Gasps) I can't reach it.
Well All right, I'll swing back.
You grab my hand.
That pickax won't hold both of us.
That's a good point.
It was nice knowing you.
Rudy.
All right, fine.
Take my hand.
(Creaking) (Both groaning) Jack: Come on, Rudy.
Let's go! Get down, get down.
She's gonna blow! She didn't blow.
(Loud explosion) (Coughing) She blew.
(Groans) Oh, yo it's on again.
And the salamander takes a (Screaming) That's not good.
Back to you, brittny.
See, Phil we crossed all three things off your list.
You got on TV.
You skydived.
Hey and you met Sylvester Stallion.
Met him? We rode the ambulance together to the hospital.
Boy, was he mad at me.
Yeah, the doctor said that's how you got most of your injuries.
Thank you, Jerry.
Because of you, I'm finally the man I always wanted to be.
Hey, kids The magic birthday princess is here! Kickin' it with you! U gui owe yo an apology.
I got pretty crazy back there.
Yeah, we all did.
That gold made us turn on each other.
Maybe it's better that it's gone.
That gold would have changed us.
Yeah changed us into rich people.
You know what let's just promise to never let greed come between us again.
- Deal? - Both: Deal.
All: Wasabi.
(Laughter) A teeny tiny little nugget of gold fell out of my sleeve.
(Muttering) How about that? - Crazy.
- (Murmurs) Kickin' it with you! Hey, Rudy, I think we should donate that one last gold nugget to a charity in Edna's name.
I kind of went in a different direction.
What do you mean? That's the third shower I've taken.
I got dust from that mine everywhere.
It was in my hair.
It was in my ears.
I think I even swallowed some.
Swallowed some? (Flatulence) Yeah, maybe a little bit.