Lexx s04e02 Episode Script
Texx Lexx
Did you see that? What was that? I don't know, it looked like a big bug or something.
What was that? A slow moving chemical propelled craft, typical of a Type 13 planet in its last stage of development.
Houston - a great big bug just passed us, heading straight toward the Earth.
Say that again? We just saw a giant moth or something.
There are no insects in space.
There are now.
Houston, Dr Lu speaking.
It was not likely a moth in the sense of the common Earth organism, but it had the external appearance of a Lepidopterus insect of the genus Tinea.
However, I would estimate its length to be in the order of five to six thousand millimetres.
How big was that? About the size of my pickup, I'd say.
Why don't you go outside and take a look? Well it was going real fast sir, it's probably long gone by now.
It could have slowed down, or turned around.
Well, we'd see it on the radar sir, it's not there.
Perhaps.
Or perhaps it can deceive the radar.
So why don't you put on your space suits, and go outside and perform a visual check to determine if it is still there.
I'm sorry Mr Prince, but we have strict - instructions not to go anywhere - To obey whatever orders I give.
So.
- quick, quick, on with your space suits - I'll go.
- You'll both go.
- Why? - Because I say so.
Well, what do you think I'm going to do - leave you behind? This is an ATF mission.
We will obey your orders as commanded, sir! Lexx 4.
02 Texx Lexx No sign of anything, Mr Prince.
Mr Prince? Mr Prince? Mr Prince? Mr Prince! Mr Prince, what are you doing? I'm going to drive away and leave you here.
How will we get back? You could walk.
We're in the middle of space, sir! Exactly.
Why are you doing this, Mr Prince? Because I'm bad - so, good luck or rather, bad luck.
Cheerie bye! Mr Prince! Mr Prince! You can't leave us! Mr Prince! What's that? A welcoming committee, I suspect.
OK, yup, we're onto it.
Locked on bandit at 11 o'clock at 70.
000 feet and descending fast.
Stand by to fire.
- Standing by to fire.
- Standing by to fire.
Launch missiles, boys.
- What are those? - Combustion powered missiles with explosive tips, designed to destroy such things as this moth.
Anything I can do? I suggest you try to avoid them.
Come on, come on.
Yes! That was close.
This bandit thinks he's better than us.
Let's squash this bug! Look.
They're turning around.
They are tracking us.
Can't you just knock them down with your brace? That may not be necessary.
Yes, my beautiful dead body of robot desire? small missiles that are emitting an electronic signal.
- What is it? - It is a simple time coded number transmitted by the missiles to determine whether the object they are attacking is a friend or a foe.
A friendly object would recognise the code and send the appropriate response code back, so the missiles would not attack it.
Prepare to engage the bug in 30 seconds.
I can, Kai.
It's just the same stupid signal the aircraft that fired the missiles is sending out.
But why would you want me to? Why not just let them shoot down the moth? Then Xev would be dead, and I won't have to worry about her stealing you away from me anymore.
Stop the missiles, 790! If the missiles destroy the moth, I will have no way to return to the Lexx, and may be separated from you - forever.
Ha, ha, ha! Eat my jam code, missiles that want to separate me from my beloved! I got that bug at 6 o'clock, and I'm moving in to swat that fly right now.
Come on, little shoo fly.
I get you, I get you.
What in the Sam Hill is going on? Ye-es!! - Thank you.
- Thank you for what?! Kai, what are you thanking the love slut for? I'm the one who saved you! Kai! Talk to me.
Kai! What is that love slut doing?! Kai! Thank you Kai.
It won't respond.
The moth, following its instincts, is attracted to the flame.
The wings are on fire.
- You must jump, Xev.
- Jump? Yes.
The moth will not leave the flame until its wings are no longer able to keep it aloft.
I will try to limit the crash damage as best I can.
All right.
Good luck Xev.
Thanks.
Lexx - how many planets in this solar system? and maybe - 9.
Eight's enough.
Let's see number nine.
Ugh.
Doesn't really look important, does it? No planet is important unless my captain says it is - and you are my captain, Captain Stanley.
Lexx - do you ever find yourself in the mood to just blow something up? I am always in the mood to blow up planets.
That is what I was built for.
Yeah, yeah.
Lexx - do you think you could blow up that planet with your weapon, even though it's so far away? I think so.
You know, I've been feeling the urge to blow something up.
So have I, captain.
OK Lexx - blow up that planet.
As you command, captain.
And Lexx - see if you can get it with your first shot, OK old buddy, old pal? - Good shot, captain.
- Prince! - You're alive! - Of course I'm alive.
How do you know my name? What do you mean, how do I know your name, you, you, you're Prince.
You ruled Fire until Xev blew it up, and -.
I'm Isambard Prince, director of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms of the United States of America, and I've been sent here to attempt to reason with the alien threat.
What alien threat? - You.
- Oh, no, no, no, I don't believe you, you're not Isamabard Prince, you're Prince! And you're evil! And you ruled Fire until we blew it up.
And you're here to kill me, aren't you? Why would I want to do that? Because you're bad! You're bad right to the core.
Then why didn't I just sneak up behind you and kill you? It wouldn't have been difficult.
It still isn't.
Please - strangle the security guard and make my day a better one.
What is that? A robot head with a defective programme, as if you didn't know! A robot head in love with a dead man.
- Same thing.
- So captain Stanley - you've already destroyed one of the planets in our solar system for no particular reason, and you have threatened to destroy ours.
What must I do, to save the Earth from you? - Will you take me please? - Yap, get on here.
I appreciate it mister.
- Hi.
- Wanna go to my place, honey child? Sure! It seems to have some type of greenish-orange blood, but the controls are clearly mechanical.
Show the symbol! I am now zooming in on a symbol we've seen on several parts of the UFO.
There are seats, but no sign of any passengers - except for a pair of human looking footprints leading away from the craft.
Footprints we will now follow.
I do solemnly swear, that I will uphold the integrity of the office of the President of the United States, faithfully serve my country, to the best of my ability, so help me doc.
Dog.
Honey child - - will you marry me? - What?! I feel it in my bones that you're my one and only woman forever - and god damn it, I love you.
But Rooster, we just met! Rooster likes to do things fast.
Well, so do I.
- So? - So - Why don't we skip the marriage part and get on with things? What things? You know - fun things.
I can't do that, honey child.
Why not? Because - this is Texas.
Oh.
You have to understand that Stanley H Tweedle, and only Stanley H Tweedle can blow up your planet, Earth, anytime I want - and I will do just that, unless you people on Earth do something to improve my not so very good mood.
No problem.
Mr Prince - or, whoever - you are clearly evil.
So kill Tweedle now, and improve my mood.
why do you always wanna get me killed? You know, I am not interested - in the dead man.
- You could be hiding it.
Stanley - captain - what do you want? What do we have to give you? Well, um.
I like women, really.
You got any women? You can have whatever kind of woman you want.
Oh.
And my own kingdom.
I want a place, where only I rule, and everybody does everything that I say.
You can have whatever country you want - within reason, of course.
Well, yeah and, um - I want a puppy - you know, I never had one when I was little, and I always hoped someday I would.
That might be difficult.
Why? Well, you see, it's like this - Well done! Now, throw him to his death over the edge of the bridge.
You take this off right away, or I'll tell the Lexx to blow up your planet.
Go on Stanley, blow it up.
You know me - I won't be bothered at all.
It'll all be over in a flash, and Xev will hardly suffer.
You are Prince.
Well done, Stanley.
You may be slow, but you do get there eventually.
Now - let us go and find a moth, and I will fly you down to my new planet.
Have you seen a love slave named Xev dressed in a suit made from Cluster lizard skin? I wish! Are you from that crashed bug ship back there? Will you transport me to that building up ahead? OK.
Thank you.
Ernst is gonna flip! As you said Stanley, I am Prince.
I remember where the moths are grown.
Lexx, tilt now, hard! As you command, Stan.
More, more! Lexx - level off.
Stanley! Give me a hand Stanley! - Be good.
- No! How about a foot instead? Ow! Stanley - Stanley, let's make a deal.
I'll give you whatever you want.
Please, I'm begging you.
What did you say? Stanley - please don't kill me.
I'll give you whatever you want.
Ooo, that doesn't sound like you at all.
Maybe you're not Prince, I mean - Prince wouldn't care about dying.
He died, over and over again on Fire.
But maybe Fire was a special place, and maybe it doesn't work that way on Earth.
So what's the deal, Prince? You afraid, that you're really gonna die? Stanley, we are both practical men - let's make a deal that works for the both of us.
Not a chance, pal.
Thank you, robot head.
Now please, cut him loose.
And then, throw yourself over the edge.
Hello, Stanley - or should I be saying goodbye? I've got the only key to the Lexx! I'm getting hotter, I'm getting hungry too.
My mouth makes water, when I look at you.
I wanna taste you, do you think I could? I wanna eat you, do you think I should? I'm a Cluster lizard, and you smell so good.
I'm a Cluster lizard, and you smell so damn good! - You got a real talent there, Xev.
- Thanks! Tell em where you're from again, Xev darling.
I'm from B3K.
Is that in Texas? No, I think that's near Abilene.
No.
Texas is in the Dark Zone.
B3K is in the Light Universe.
What y'all do there? I was a love slave.
What exactly does a love slave do? Whatever it takes to make a man happy.
.
See, I trained in the wife bank on B3K, and I've been waiting forever to satisfy a man in need Well, I am most definitely a man in need.
You are? Well, then I can satisfy you! I'm a love slave! I want to satisfy men, and I want men to satisfy me! The more satisfaction the better, right? Honey child, you don't mean that.
What? You promised me.
You said that I could have your hand in marriage, - remember? - Yeah? I will cherish and honour and respect you, and you will obey me, that's what marriage is all about.
Oh.
Well - why don't we just forget about the marriage part and just get naked in bed and do it? - I vote for that! - Finally! I was starting to get worried that there was something wrong with the men on this planet.
Get your hands off my woman, boy! All right, all right, all right, Rooster my man! I was just yanking your chain.
Yeah, we was just yanking your chain.
Party's over.
Y'all can leave now, come on, come on.
When you hear the owl calling, sneak outside and I'll be waiting - hotter than a three balled tomcat in July.
All right.
O, Rooster! OK! OK! If you'll meet me by the mailbox, I'll be hotter than a - popsicle at the rodeo! - Sure! - Wait for the call of the coyote.
Come on, thought I already threw you out! Skip out when you hear the rattle of the sidewinder.
Make me feel young again, little lady.
- OK.
- Come on! Hey Rooster, great party.
Honey child - how could you do this to me? Do what? You promise yourself to me forever in holy matrimony, then you start talking to them all like it was nothing? I'm sorry.
I'm hurting bad, honey child.
Where? Right here - the old ticker.
I'll make you feel better.
I can't let you do that.
Why? I don't wanna lose respect for you.
We'll get married real soon, I promise.
How soon? I think I can arrange the preacher for the day after tomorrow.
I don't know if I can hold out that long.
Where are you going? Back to the big building made out of pipes and lights with the fire on top, where you picked me up.
Why? Kai'll be there now, he'll be waiting for me.
Who's Kai? A friend.
A man friend or a lady friend? A man friend.
Do you love him? He's dead, there's no satisfaction in loving a dead man.
Honey child, you are one weird mixed up girl.
I dunno what it is, but you drive me crazy.
How you gonna get to the refinery? I'll stick my thumb out, like I did when you picked me up.
Oh no you won't! Some freak could pick you up.
I'll take you there, - in the morning.
- OK.
Rooster - what does an owl sound like? Why? Chip asked me to meet him when I hear the sound of the owl.
Oh, and what's a mailbox? The blue box you stick the mail into.
Don't they have them in B3K? No.
I thought they were the same all across the States.
Why are you asking me this? I agreed to meet the tall cute dancing guy there.
- Anybody else? - Yeah.
What's that? That, is what Chip's gonna find waiting for him, just as soon as I hear his toowit toowooing, and the greeting card Dale's gonna get in the mailbox.
Dr Ernst Longbore - Kai.
I am looking for a love slave named Xev.
She is dressed in a Cluster lizard skin.
I dropped her at the petroleum oil refining building.
I have searched the area and she is no longer there.
We want to leave this planet, will you help us? - What do you want? - We want to leave this planet.
Don't do that! I'm so happy! So, apart from the fact that you live there, this - Earth, what is it, a good planet or a bad planet, or - It's a bad planet Stanley, it's a splendidly bad planet.
Yeah, 790 says it's a Type 13 planet.
What does that mean? Oh, just a planet that's about to be shrunk to the size of a pea by some scientists looking for a particle.
You don't say.
Yeah, I do say - so that means you should just turn the moth around and go back to the Lexx, and leave with us.
What a good idea.
- Why aren't you turning around? - Because I like this planet.
- You just said it was a bad planet.
- Yes, and that's why I like it.
However, I will take you up on your offer - not just at the moment though, as I still have many bad things to do here, but when I've done so many bad things that this planet is no fun anymore, I will fly away in the Lexx and find another planet to ruin - but not necessarily with you, Stanley Tweedle.
You put that bomb in the Lexx, didn't you, the one that went off in its stomach? Indirectly, yes.
Weren't you afraid you were just gonna blow the Lexx up? - No.
- No? No.
You don't think that I'd expect the most powerful weapon in the two universes to be damaged by a little bomb from a Type 13 planet, do you? It seems to have some type of greenish orange blood, but the controls are clearly mechanical.
Show the symbol! I am now zooming in on a symbol we've seen on several parts of the UFO.
Freeze it.
Curious.
Why? I have seen that symbol before.
Where? A number of places.
What is it? It is the symbolic icon of the Divine Order.
And what is the Divine Order? The Divine Order was a clerical organisation that once dominated the League of 20,000 Planets.
The Divine Order was headed by His Divine Shadow, a human tyrant possessed of an insect essence - the enemy of humankind.
You use the past tense.
What happened to the Divine Order? It was destroyed during the Cleansing, when all humans from the League of 20,000 were summoned to the Cluster, to be fed to a very large insect, called the GigaShadow.
- Did anyone survive? - No.
The entire universe was destroyed.
But if the universe was destroyed, how is it that we are here now? The universe that was destroyed was the Light Universe, which once existed in the same time and space - as the Dark Zone.
- So, we are in the Dark Zone.
Yes - the universe of evil, chaos and depravity.
Hey Rooster! What's up? You tell me, Chip.
I'm just out for a morning walk.
Is that right? Yeah.
So, er - - when's the wedding? - There ain't gonna be no wedding.
Why not? Ah - you're gonna live in sin, aren't ya? - Nope.
- Well, what then? There ain't gonna be no wedding, because I'm gonna be dead.
Say what? I'm gonna kill myself - that is, if the cops don't shoot me first.
Well, that's - that's real sad, Rooster.
Especially when things are starting to look up for ya, yeah.
Yep.
Real sad.
For me - and for you too.
What, what are you on about there, Rooster? Lemmee explain it to you.
I plan to shoot you square in your double crossing chest - right about now.
Whoa, hold on, hold on Rooster! Come on, come on, me and you was always good buddies.
Look, here I am just out taking a morning walk, and, and thinking about you, as a fact, and you start putting this crazy thing on me.
She's my woman, boy - forever.
It could be mere coincidence, but the number of segments in this symbol is precisely the same as in your icon.
This was uncovered in the first Chaldean city of Ur in Sumeria, approximately 4000 BC.
Once again - the identical number of segments, and once again, we find it associated with death.
This painting hangs in a small church in the foothills of the Carpathian mountains, in Eastern Hungary.
Tell me your story.
Tell me your story.
My name is Dr Ernst W Longbore.
Till recently I was associated with a team of researchers divided between this planet's most powerful nuclear particle accelerators.
My team has been building ever more powerful particle accelerators, trying to determine the mass, if any, of the Higgs-Boson, in order to complete our picture of the basic building blocks of this universe.
But I alone realised that the experiment we were doing was extremely dangerous, and would trigger a chain reaction that would cause the entire planet to instantly collapse into an ultra dense particle, about the size of a pea.
We were drowning in the sea of our own insanity.
I tried to stop the project, but in their blind rush to be the first to measure the Higgs-Boson, no-one would listen.
I warned the government, and for my efforts to save the human race I was fired, dismissed from WAARP - the World Association of Applied Research Physicists - and stripped of all seven of my PhDs.
Get on your knees! Rooster - .
Say your prayers, Chip.
Come on, buddy - You got 10 seconds - 9, - 8, 7 - - Rooster buddy boy, Rooster - .
Hey! Now put that down Rooster, so as I don't have to shoot ya.
I'm gonna shoot you too, old timer.
What fer? Couldn't catch a wink of sleep with your damn rattling all night.
Put that gun down, Rooster.
She was my one and only woman.
Rooster! Ain't no-one gonna mess - - Rooster! - with my - woman! - Rooster! Rooster, what are you doing? Rooster! Honey child? Yeah? You are my one and only woman.
Oh, Rooster.
What a waste.
Sometime within the next twelve months, either Fermilab or CERN will reach the power level needed to determine the Higgs-Boson, and therefore, within the next twelve months, this planet will be shrunk to the size of a pea.
We tried to sabotage the facilities, but they're onto us now.
We know we can't stop Fermilab or CERN, the government will not listen to us, the media think we are a crazed cult.
So we chose to gamble all our limited resources on one almost hopeless bet.
And what is that? You.
We have been searching the skies and continuously broadcasting a distress message into space for two years now.
We knew that unless we were rescued by advanced extra-terrestrials we would all die this year, along with every other plant, animal and micro-organism on this doomed planet.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- What for? - For answering our call.
I have not answered your call.
I came to this planet with Xev, to learn if it was a good place for her to find suitable men who would make her happy.
This planet is not a good place for anyone to do anything.
You're wrong about that - this is one hell of a planet! The ATF! Wow.
How? How did you do that? I was an assassin in the Divine Order, Who were they? The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.
Why were they attempting to kill you? We don't know exactly.
The ATF recently destroyed SETI - the organisation that searched for extraterrestrial life, with which we were closely associated.
That action makes no sense, unless you believe as I do, that the blight of inexplicable and irrational events that have lately beset this world are a cry of pain, from a planet that knows it is doomed.
I would like to know more about this individual.
Why? Will you help me find Xev? Will you help us leave this planet? - Yes.
- We will try to help you find her.
Now ma'am, what did you say your story was? Well, I promised Rooster that I was going to marry him, but I didn't want to hold out two more days until we did it, you know? Rooster decided to have a party to announce the wedding, and so he invited all his friends to come over.
What friends? All of them.
And some of them were really nice, you know, they said they wanted to make love with me.
I wanted to, so I agreed to meet them.
Who? Well.
Chip, and Dale, and the old guy too.
But I guess, Rooster wasn't so happy about that, and, and so he took his weapon thing and went outside, and then - they all killed each other.
Now what'd you say you were? I'm a love slave from the planet B3K.
And where is that? That's in the Light Universe.
- Now is that near Abilene? - No.
It's in a parallel universe - but it doesn't exist anymore, since it was destroyed by drone arms.
Well ma'am - I'm gonna have to ask you to turn around.
- What for? - Just turn around.
OK.
Ma'am - I'm placing you under arrest, on suspicion of murder.
You think I did this? Ma'am, it don't matter what I think.
What matters is what the state of Texas thinks.
But for now I'm gonna take you and lock you up, so you don't cause any more trouble.
- Where? - Prison.
Come on.
Get me down outta here! I'm Stanley H Tweedle, captain of the Lexx! Don't worry.
After a few weeks you get used to it.
Weeks? Ñèíõðîíèçàöèÿ è êîððåêòèðîâêà Mikl
What was that? A slow moving chemical propelled craft, typical of a Type 13 planet in its last stage of development.
Houston - a great big bug just passed us, heading straight toward the Earth.
Say that again? We just saw a giant moth or something.
There are no insects in space.
There are now.
Houston, Dr Lu speaking.
It was not likely a moth in the sense of the common Earth organism, but it had the external appearance of a Lepidopterus insect of the genus Tinea.
However, I would estimate its length to be in the order of five to six thousand millimetres.
How big was that? About the size of my pickup, I'd say.
Why don't you go outside and take a look? Well it was going real fast sir, it's probably long gone by now.
It could have slowed down, or turned around.
Well, we'd see it on the radar sir, it's not there.
Perhaps.
Or perhaps it can deceive the radar.
So why don't you put on your space suits, and go outside and perform a visual check to determine if it is still there.
I'm sorry Mr Prince, but we have strict - instructions not to go anywhere - To obey whatever orders I give.
So.
- quick, quick, on with your space suits - I'll go.
- You'll both go.
- Why? - Because I say so.
Well, what do you think I'm going to do - leave you behind? This is an ATF mission.
We will obey your orders as commanded, sir! Lexx 4.
02 Texx Lexx No sign of anything, Mr Prince.
Mr Prince? Mr Prince? Mr Prince? Mr Prince! Mr Prince, what are you doing? I'm going to drive away and leave you here.
How will we get back? You could walk.
We're in the middle of space, sir! Exactly.
Why are you doing this, Mr Prince? Because I'm bad - so, good luck or rather, bad luck.
Cheerie bye! Mr Prince! Mr Prince! You can't leave us! Mr Prince! What's that? A welcoming committee, I suspect.
OK, yup, we're onto it.
Locked on bandit at 11 o'clock at 70.
000 feet and descending fast.
Stand by to fire.
- Standing by to fire.
- Standing by to fire.
Launch missiles, boys.
- What are those? - Combustion powered missiles with explosive tips, designed to destroy such things as this moth.
Anything I can do? I suggest you try to avoid them.
Come on, come on.
Yes! That was close.
This bandit thinks he's better than us.
Let's squash this bug! Look.
They're turning around.
They are tracking us.
Can't you just knock them down with your brace? That may not be necessary.
Yes, my beautiful dead body of robot desire? small missiles that are emitting an electronic signal.
- What is it? - It is a simple time coded number transmitted by the missiles to determine whether the object they are attacking is a friend or a foe.
A friendly object would recognise the code and send the appropriate response code back, so the missiles would not attack it.
Prepare to engage the bug in 30 seconds.
I can, Kai.
It's just the same stupid signal the aircraft that fired the missiles is sending out.
But why would you want me to? Why not just let them shoot down the moth? Then Xev would be dead, and I won't have to worry about her stealing you away from me anymore.
Stop the missiles, 790! If the missiles destroy the moth, I will have no way to return to the Lexx, and may be separated from you - forever.
Ha, ha, ha! Eat my jam code, missiles that want to separate me from my beloved! I got that bug at 6 o'clock, and I'm moving in to swat that fly right now.
Come on, little shoo fly.
I get you, I get you.
What in the Sam Hill is going on? Ye-es!! - Thank you.
- Thank you for what?! Kai, what are you thanking the love slut for? I'm the one who saved you! Kai! Talk to me.
Kai! What is that love slut doing?! Kai! Thank you Kai.
It won't respond.
The moth, following its instincts, is attracted to the flame.
The wings are on fire.
- You must jump, Xev.
- Jump? Yes.
The moth will not leave the flame until its wings are no longer able to keep it aloft.
I will try to limit the crash damage as best I can.
All right.
Good luck Xev.
Thanks.
Lexx - how many planets in this solar system? and maybe - 9.
Eight's enough.
Let's see number nine.
Ugh.
Doesn't really look important, does it? No planet is important unless my captain says it is - and you are my captain, Captain Stanley.
Lexx - do you ever find yourself in the mood to just blow something up? I am always in the mood to blow up planets.
That is what I was built for.
Yeah, yeah.
Lexx - do you think you could blow up that planet with your weapon, even though it's so far away? I think so.
You know, I've been feeling the urge to blow something up.
So have I, captain.
OK Lexx - blow up that planet.
As you command, captain.
And Lexx - see if you can get it with your first shot, OK old buddy, old pal? - Good shot, captain.
- Prince! - You're alive! - Of course I'm alive.
How do you know my name? What do you mean, how do I know your name, you, you, you're Prince.
You ruled Fire until Xev blew it up, and -.
I'm Isambard Prince, director of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms of the United States of America, and I've been sent here to attempt to reason with the alien threat.
What alien threat? - You.
- Oh, no, no, no, I don't believe you, you're not Isamabard Prince, you're Prince! And you're evil! And you ruled Fire until we blew it up.
And you're here to kill me, aren't you? Why would I want to do that? Because you're bad! You're bad right to the core.
Then why didn't I just sneak up behind you and kill you? It wouldn't have been difficult.
It still isn't.
Please - strangle the security guard and make my day a better one.
What is that? A robot head with a defective programme, as if you didn't know! A robot head in love with a dead man.
- Same thing.
- So captain Stanley - you've already destroyed one of the planets in our solar system for no particular reason, and you have threatened to destroy ours.
What must I do, to save the Earth from you? - Will you take me please? - Yap, get on here.
I appreciate it mister.
- Hi.
- Wanna go to my place, honey child? Sure! It seems to have some type of greenish-orange blood, but the controls are clearly mechanical.
Show the symbol! I am now zooming in on a symbol we've seen on several parts of the UFO.
There are seats, but no sign of any passengers - except for a pair of human looking footprints leading away from the craft.
Footprints we will now follow.
I do solemnly swear, that I will uphold the integrity of the office of the President of the United States, faithfully serve my country, to the best of my ability, so help me doc.
Dog.
Honey child - - will you marry me? - What?! I feel it in my bones that you're my one and only woman forever - and god damn it, I love you.
But Rooster, we just met! Rooster likes to do things fast.
Well, so do I.
- So? - So - Why don't we skip the marriage part and get on with things? What things? You know - fun things.
I can't do that, honey child.
Why not? Because - this is Texas.
Oh.
You have to understand that Stanley H Tweedle, and only Stanley H Tweedle can blow up your planet, Earth, anytime I want - and I will do just that, unless you people on Earth do something to improve my not so very good mood.
No problem.
Mr Prince - or, whoever - you are clearly evil.
So kill Tweedle now, and improve my mood.
why do you always wanna get me killed? You know, I am not interested - in the dead man.
- You could be hiding it.
Stanley - captain - what do you want? What do we have to give you? Well, um.
I like women, really.
You got any women? You can have whatever kind of woman you want.
Oh.
And my own kingdom.
I want a place, where only I rule, and everybody does everything that I say.
You can have whatever country you want - within reason, of course.
Well, yeah and, um - I want a puppy - you know, I never had one when I was little, and I always hoped someday I would.
That might be difficult.
Why? Well, you see, it's like this - Well done! Now, throw him to his death over the edge of the bridge.
You take this off right away, or I'll tell the Lexx to blow up your planet.
Go on Stanley, blow it up.
You know me - I won't be bothered at all.
It'll all be over in a flash, and Xev will hardly suffer.
You are Prince.
Well done, Stanley.
You may be slow, but you do get there eventually.
Now - let us go and find a moth, and I will fly you down to my new planet.
Have you seen a love slave named Xev dressed in a suit made from Cluster lizard skin? I wish! Are you from that crashed bug ship back there? Will you transport me to that building up ahead? OK.
Thank you.
Ernst is gonna flip! As you said Stanley, I am Prince.
I remember where the moths are grown.
Lexx, tilt now, hard! As you command, Stan.
More, more! Lexx - level off.
Stanley! Give me a hand Stanley! - Be good.
- No! How about a foot instead? Ow! Stanley - Stanley, let's make a deal.
I'll give you whatever you want.
Please, I'm begging you.
What did you say? Stanley - please don't kill me.
I'll give you whatever you want.
Ooo, that doesn't sound like you at all.
Maybe you're not Prince, I mean - Prince wouldn't care about dying.
He died, over and over again on Fire.
But maybe Fire was a special place, and maybe it doesn't work that way on Earth.
So what's the deal, Prince? You afraid, that you're really gonna die? Stanley, we are both practical men - let's make a deal that works for the both of us.
Not a chance, pal.
Thank you, robot head.
Now please, cut him loose.
And then, throw yourself over the edge.
Hello, Stanley - or should I be saying goodbye? I've got the only key to the Lexx! I'm getting hotter, I'm getting hungry too.
My mouth makes water, when I look at you.
I wanna taste you, do you think I could? I wanna eat you, do you think I should? I'm a Cluster lizard, and you smell so good.
I'm a Cluster lizard, and you smell so damn good! - You got a real talent there, Xev.
- Thanks! Tell em where you're from again, Xev darling.
I'm from B3K.
Is that in Texas? No, I think that's near Abilene.
No.
Texas is in the Dark Zone.
B3K is in the Light Universe.
What y'all do there? I was a love slave.
What exactly does a love slave do? Whatever it takes to make a man happy.
.
See, I trained in the wife bank on B3K, and I've been waiting forever to satisfy a man in need Well, I am most definitely a man in need.
You are? Well, then I can satisfy you! I'm a love slave! I want to satisfy men, and I want men to satisfy me! The more satisfaction the better, right? Honey child, you don't mean that.
What? You promised me.
You said that I could have your hand in marriage, - remember? - Yeah? I will cherish and honour and respect you, and you will obey me, that's what marriage is all about.
Oh.
Well - why don't we just forget about the marriage part and just get naked in bed and do it? - I vote for that! - Finally! I was starting to get worried that there was something wrong with the men on this planet.
Get your hands off my woman, boy! All right, all right, all right, Rooster my man! I was just yanking your chain.
Yeah, we was just yanking your chain.
Party's over.
Y'all can leave now, come on, come on.
When you hear the owl calling, sneak outside and I'll be waiting - hotter than a three balled tomcat in July.
All right.
O, Rooster! OK! OK! If you'll meet me by the mailbox, I'll be hotter than a - popsicle at the rodeo! - Sure! - Wait for the call of the coyote.
Come on, thought I already threw you out! Skip out when you hear the rattle of the sidewinder.
Make me feel young again, little lady.
- OK.
- Come on! Hey Rooster, great party.
Honey child - how could you do this to me? Do what? You promise yourself to me forever in holy matrimony, then you start talking to them all like it was nothing? I'm sorry.
I'm hurting bad, honey child.
Where? Right here - the old ticker.
I'll make you feel better.
I can't let you do that.
Why? I don't wanna lose respect for you.
We'll get married real soon, I promise.
How soon? I think I can arrange the preacher for the day after tomorrow.
I don't know if I can hold out that long.
Where are you going? Back to the big building made out of pipes and lights with the fire on top, where you picked me up.
Why? Kai'll be there now, he'll be waiting for me.
Who's Kai? A friend.
A man friend or a lady friend? A man friend.
Do you love him? He's dead, there's no satisfaction in loving a dead man.
Honey child, you are one weird mixed up girl.
I dunno what it is, but you drive me crazy.
How you gonna get to the refinery? I'll stick my thumb out, like I did when you picked me up.
Oh no you won't! Some freak could pick you up.
I'll take you there, - in the morning.
- OK.
Rooster - what does an owl sound like? Why? Chip asked me to meet him when I hear the sound of the owl.
Oh, and what's a mailbox? The blue box you stick the mail into.
Don't they have them in B3K? No.
I thought they were the same all across the States.
Why are you asking me this? I agreed to meet the tall cute dancing guy there.
- Anybody else? - Yeah.
What's that? That, is what Chip's gonna find waiting for him, just as soon as I hear his toowit toowooing, and the greeting card Dale's gonna get in the mailbox.
Dr Ernst Longbore - Kai.
I am looking for a love slave named Xev.
She is dressed in a Cluster lizard skin.
I dropped her at the petroleum oil refining building.
I have searched the area and she is no longer there.
We want to leave this planet, will you help us? - What do you want? - We want to leave this planet.
Don't do that! I'm so happy! So, apart from the fact that you live there, this - Earth, what is it, a good planet or a bad planet, or - It's a bad planet Stanley, it's a splendidly bad planet.
Yeah, 790 says it's a Type 13 planet.
What does that mean? Oh, just a planet that's about to be shrunk to the size of a pea by some scientists looking for a particle.
You don't say.
Yeah, I do say - so that means you should just turn the moth around and go back to the Lexx, and leave with us.
What a good idea.
- Why aren't you turning around? - Because I like this planet.
- You just said it was a bad planet.
- Yes, and that's why I like it.
However, I will take you up on your offer - not just at the moment though, as I still have many bad things to do here, but when I've done so many bad things that this planet is no fun anymore, I will fly away in the Lexx and find another planet to ruin - but not necessarily with you, Stanley Tweedle.
You put that bomb in the Lexx, didn't you, the one that went off in its stomach? Indirectly, yes.
Weren't you afraid you were just gonna blow the Lexx up? - No.
- No? No.
You don't think that I'd expect the most powerful weapon in the two universes to be damaged by a little bomb from a Type 13 planet, do you? It seems to have some type of greenish orange blood, but the controls are clearly mechanical.
Show the symbol! I am now zooming in on a symbol we've seen on several parts of the UFO.
Freeze it.
Curious.
Why? I have seen that symbol before.
Where? A number of places.
What is it? It is the symbolic icon of the Divine Order.
And what is the Divine Order? The Divine Order was a clerical organisation that once dominated the League of 20,000 Planets.
The Divine Order was headed by His Divine Shadow, a human tyrant possessed of an insect essence - the enemy of humankind.
You use the past tense.
What happened to the Divine Order? It was destroyed during the Cleansing, when all humans from the League of 20,000 were summoned to the Cluster, to be fed to a very large insect, called the GigaShadow.
- Did anyone survive? - No.
The entire universe was destroyed.
But if the universe was destroyed, how is it that we are here now? The universe that was destroyed was the Light Universe, which once existed in the same time and space - as the Dark Zone.
- So, we are in the Dark Zone.
Yes - the universe of evil, chaos and depravity.
Hey Rooster! What's up? You tell me, Chip.
I'm just out for a morning walk.
Is that right? Yeah.
So, er - - when's the wedding? - There ain't gonna be no wedding.
Why not? Ah - you're gonna live in sin, aren't ya? - Nope.
- Well, what then? There ain't gonna be no wedding, because I'm gonna be dead.
Say what? I'm gonna kill myself - that is, if the cops don't shoot me first.
Well, that's - that's real sad, Rooster.
Especially when things are starting to look up for ya, yeah.
Yep.
Real sad.
For me - and for you too.
What, what are you on about there, Rooster? Lemmee explain it to you.
I plan to shoot you square in your double crossing chest - right about now.
Whoa, hold on, hold on Rooster! Come on, come on, me and you was always good buddies.
Look, here I am just out taking a morning walk, and, and thinking about you, as a fact, and you start putting this crazy thing on me.
She's my woman, boy - forever.
It could be mere coincidence, but the number of segments in this symbol is precisely the same as in your icon.
This was uncovered in the first Chaldean city of Ur in Sumeria, approximately 4000 BC.
Once again - the identical number of segments, and once again, we find it associated with death.
This painting hangs in a small church in the foothills of the Carpathian mountains, in Eastern Hungary.
Tell me your story.
Tell me your story.
My name is Dr Ernst W Longbore.
Till recently I was associated with a team of researchers divided between this planet's most powerful nuclear particle accelerators.
My team has been building ever more powerful particle accelerators, trying to determine the mass, if any, of the Higgs-Boson, in order to complete our picture of the basic building blocks of this universe.
But I alone realised that the experiment we were doing was extremely dangerous, and would trigger a chain reaction that would cause the entire planet to instantly collapse into an ultra dense particle, about the size of a pea.
We were drowning in the sea of our own insanity.
I tried to stop the project, but in their blind rush to be the first to measure the Higgs-Boson, no-one would listen.
I warned the government, and for my efforts to save the human race I was fired, dismissed from WAARP - the World Association of Applied Research Physicists - and stripped of all seven of my PhDs.
Get on your knees! Rooster - .
Say your prayers, Chip.
Come on, buddy - You got 10 seconds - 9, - 8, 7 - - Rooster buddy boy, Rooster - .
Hey! Now put that down Rooster, so as I don't have to shoot ya.
I'm gonna shoot you too, old timer.
What fer? Couldn't catch a wink of sleep with your damn rattling all night.
Put that gun down, Rooster.
She was my one and only woman.
Rooster! Ain't no-one gonna mess - - Rooster! - with my - woman! - Rooster! Rooster, what are you doing? Rooster! Honey child? Yeah? You are my one and only woman.
Oh, Rooster.
What a waste.
Sometime within the next twelve months, either Fermilab or CERN will reach the power level needed to determine the Higgs-Boson, and therefore, within the next twelve months, this planet will be shrunk to the size of a pea.
We tried to sabotage the facilities, but they're onto us now.
We know we can't stop Fermilab or CERN, the government will not listen to us, the media think we are a crazed cult.
So we chose to gamble all our limited resources on one almost hopeless bet.
And what is that? You.
We have been searching the skies and continuously broadcasting a distress message into space for two years now.
We knew that unless we were rescued by advanced extra-terrestrials we would all die this year, along with every other plant, animal and micro-organism on this doomed planet.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- What for? - For answering our call.
I have not answered your call.
I came to this planet with Xev, to learn if it was a good place for her to find suitable men who would make her happy.
This planet is not a good place for anyone to do anything.
You're wrong about that - this is one hell of a planet! The ATF! Wow.
How? How did you do that? I was an assassin in the Divine Order, Who were they? The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.
Why were they attempting to kill you? We don't know exactly.
The ATF recently destroyed SETI - the organisation that searched for extraterrestrial life, with which we were closely associated.
That action makes no sense, unless you believe as I do, that the blight of inexplicable and irrational events that have lately beset this world are a cry of pain, from a planet that knows it is doomed.
I would like to know more about this individual.
Why? Will you help me find Xev? Will you help us leave this planet? - Yes.
- We will try to help you find her.
Now ma'am, what did you say your story was? Well, I promised Rooster that I was going to marry him, but I didn't want to hold out two more days until we did it, you know? Rooster decided to have a party to announce the wedding, and so he invited all his friends to come over.
What friends? All of them.
And some of them were really nice, you know, they said they wanted to make love with me.
I wanted to, so I agreed to meet them.
Who? Well.
Chip, and Dale, and the old guy too.
But I guess, Rooster wasn't so happy about that, and, and so he took his weapon thing and went outside, and then - they all killed each other.
Now what'd you say you were? I'm a love slave from the planet B3K.
And where is that? That's in the Light Universe.
- Now is that near Abilene? - No.
It's in a parallel universe - but it doesn't exist anymore, since it was destroyed by drone arms.
Well ma'am - I'm gonna have to ask you to turn around.
- What for? - Just turn around.
OK.
Ma'am - I'm placing you under arrest, on suspicion of murder.
You think I did this? Ma'am, it don't matter what I think.
What matters is what the state of Texas thinks.
But for now I'm gonna take you and lock you up, so you don't cause any more trouble.
- Where? - Prison.
Come on.
Get me down outta here! I'm Stanley H Tweedle, captain of the Lexx! Don't worry.
After a few weeks you get used to it.
Weeks? Ñèíõðîíèçàöèÿ è êîððåêòèðîâêà Mikl