Life in Pieces (2015) s04e02 Episode Script

1 (DOOR OPENS) Hey.
What's his problem? Is this his chicken? Tonight was the first time that his band played to an empty house.
Even the baristas left.
They gave me the keys to lock up.
Oh, shoot.
TIM: Hey.
Funeral Goose played tonight, huh? Yep.
It's a Friday.
I've played every Friday for a year.
You guys play every Friday? Really? Yep.
So if it's a Friday, you guys are playing? Yes.
What if there's a month with five Fridays? You playing all those Fridays? Yes! Oh, my God.
You know what? It doesn't even matter.
Why do I bother anymore? (GROANS) We're the worst, Heather.
What kind of parents don't support their kid's dreams? Oh, honey, if we supported all of Tyler's dreams, he'd be a Mack truck turned into a robot.
Yeah, but I know what it's like to have parents that don't believe in you.
I mean, I never told you this about myself, but The diving? Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Well, then you already know that my parents never came to a single meet.
Babe, I know.
Listen, why don't you go look at some of those diving medals that you keep in a shoebox, with the bird's nest and the seashells.
Yeah.
I'll have a snack while I'm down there.
Well, here we are.
Oh, this doesn't look like The Container Store.
I must have taken a wrong turn.
Dad, we seriously need to buy stackable storage.
What's going on? (CHUCKLES) It's a recording studio.
Yeah, clearly.
Why are we here? To record your new demo.
What? A patient of mine owns the place, so he owed me big-time.
All I had to do was pay for the studio musicians and the engineer.
And the enormous fee for rental.
Dad, you really didn't have to do this.
I wanted to do this.
You are a born musician.
Just like I'm a born negotiator.
Now get in there.
Seriously, get in there.
They're charging me by the minute.
And remember: if I could give you one piece of advice on music, I would.
(DRUMS PLAYING) (BAND PLAYING) Climb higher and higher Up past the sky (COUGHS) Sorry.
No worries.
Let's just pick it up from the chorus.
Climb higher and higher (VOICE BREAKING): Up past the sky Fly, my sweet creature Don't ever ask why Is this the bridge? I hope not.
Let me talk to him.
Hey, what's the problem in there, bud? The problem is me.
I'm terrible.
What? You're not terrible.
Right? He's not terrible.
Uh, yeah, you're not great.
Why would you say that? I'm paying you.
Of course he's bad, man.
But you don't say that.
Right.
I'm still pressing the button, by the way.
Why would you do that? I'm paying you! No.
He's right.
I don't have what it takes to make it as a musician, and I think, uh, I think maybe I've known for a long time now.
(EXHALES SHARPLY) (DOOR CLOSES) (SIGHS) Hey.
I'm proud of you.
I know that was a hard thing to admit, but you're not the only one who's ever given up on a dream.
I never told you this about myself, but - I - The diving? Oh, yeah.
Well, I may have had a nose for diving, but I didn't have the ears.
I developed swimmer's ear.
Spent more time in the doctor's office than the pool.
And it was only then, while completely dry, that my appetite was finally whet.
I realized I wanted to be an ear, nose and throat doctor.
So you're saying I could be a doctor? (CHUCKLES): Oh, no, way.
But look, you'll find your own path someday.
And hey, just 'cause you're not playing music for a living doesn't mean you can't go back to it any time you want to.
Have you ever gone back to diving? Not in a long time.
What are you looking at? Oh, oh, oh Oh We're ready for anything We're first in line Whatever the future brings, uh-huh We'll be just fine No, we're not wasting time Oh, we're not wasting time Here we go Hey, hey, hey (SHOUTS) Oh, man.
Oof.
This heartburn is the worst.
Feels like the baby's smoking a cigarette in there.
That's weird.
You only had two dozen jalapeño poppers.
- I know.
- I'll get your back.
(GAGS) You know what, honey? I love you.
I love you so much.
I want to look at you from across the room.
You know, like, uh, fine art.
Okay.
This is, like, one of your pregnancy things.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Yeah? It's just my senses are all out of whack, and You can tell me.
I can take it.
- You sure? Okay.
- Yeah.
Um, well, it's your nose breath.
My what, now? You know the air that comes out of your nose when you breathe? - Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
It makes me want to vomit.
Lucky for me, I have another hole I can use.
Okay.
(LAUGHS) (EXHALES) (GAGS) I'm sorry, is there a third option? So sorry.
Don't be.
All right? I can, I can take it, all right? What, what else bothers you, sweetness? Um, the way you say your S's.
Just kind of really makes the food want to come-come out and party.
Hey, honey? What happened to my yogurt? Oh, I threw it away.
It was just the word.
Ugh.
I get it.
It's a gross word.
Thank you for being so understanding.
Love you.
Love you.
It is freezing.
Ugh, your pee, Greg.
It is deafening.
I mean, I thought you said you were gonna pee sitting down.
Well, the seat's too cold.
I'll stick to it if I sit down.
It's You know what it is? It's the drop.
Like, I think it's a distance thing.
Okay, look, I don't mean to brag, but the distance between me and the bowl is about as short as it can be.
Okay, what is the thermostat set at? No, hey, do not touch that.
I am sweltering.
Sixty-two? Oh, yeah, well, no wonder.
Can you take it down to 60? No.
The A/C guy said if we do that, the system will freeze.
Well, the A/C guy isn't having this baby.
Okay, okay.
(SIGHS) (SHIVERING) Oh, honey, can you just stop moving, though? It's making me nauseous.
I'm shivering.
I don't have a choice.
Oh, honey, no S's.
Give me some of this blanket.
No, I'm so sorry, but I do need the full weight on my body.
And can you face the other way? And, Greg, don't forget the mask.
Okay, that's it.
I'm done, I'm done.
I'm tired of being treated like the Elephant Man.
Greg, no, I only said that when you were eating soup.
Because you wouldn't let me chew.
Well, you're the one who chose chowder.
There's been a lot of consideration for how hard this pregnancy's been on you, but there has been zero consideration for how hard it's been for me.
I'm sorry, what? Did you say the pregnancy's been hard for you? - Yeah.
- This pregnancy? Yes, this pregnancy, because you get to eat whenever you want, you get to breathe however you want, and you don't have to pee sitting down.
I do pee sitting down, Greg.
In fact, every time I sit down, a little bit slips out, so you're right, I've got it made.
What are you doing? What are you doing? No.
No, no, no, you wouldn't.
Let's see how the 50s feel.
(AIR BLOWS) Not a fan.
I'm much more a fan of the 80s (HISSES, EXHALES) (GAGS) - Honey? Oh! - (RETCHING) Oh, sweetie.
- Oh, I am so sorry.
- Honey, no S's.
(TOILET FLUSHES) Daddy home.
How are my two favorite girl? Daddy, dinner's ready.
Thanks, honey.
Slower, slower.
Okay, the chair.
The chair.
(GASPS) Oh! ALL: Welcome home! I'm here.
- I'm broken, but I'm here.
- (ALL CHUCKLING) Your mother took her surgery like a champ, which makes sense because taking it like a champ is what got her into this mess.
(CHUCKLES) John, everybody knows I was injured making love.
Oh.
- Um, listen, Mom.
- Uh-huh? You let us know whatever we can do to help, okay? Nonsense.
No, she's got all the help she needs right here.
You're gonna take care of me? Well, I'm the one who hurt you, so I'm the one who has to heal you.
It's-it's jungle law.
JOAN: Kids, - keep on your cell.
- All right.
- Keep on your cell phones.
- We got it.
It's a lot harder to push that with the brake on.
- Should we tell him? - No, no.
We'd have to raise our voices, and you know how much that upsets Mom.
I'm sorry that took so long.
Those wheels just did not want to turn.
I'm hungry.
Do you think that you could manage to make some oatmeal? Well, if I can haul you up the stairs, leave you there, go back downstairs, haul the wheelchair back up the stairs, then lift you back into it, I think I can whip up a little oatmeal.
Voilà! Huh? Oatmeal à la Joanie.
- Oh! - Oh.
- Did you make all this? - Mm-hmm.
Is that juice fresh-squeezed? I'd let you smell my hands, but I got too much class.
Your mother loves your food.
- Oh! - Yeah.
- Thanks for being here.
- Oh, no problem, Dad.
You know what? Sam told me I looked tired today, so I'm happy to let her walk home from school.
And I hope you're also happy to keep this on the down under.
On the what? The down under.
That's how the Australians keep it on the down low.
Huh.
Listen, you know what, Dad? It's not a problem.
I won't say anything to Mom, okay? Just let me know when you need me.
- Oh, Heather, um - Yeah.
Your mom wanted a strawberry smoothie and - Oh.
- I'll take one, too.
Sure, Dad.
But I want mine chocolate and more like a milkshake.
Okay.
But we're out of ice cream.
I-I know the market has it, so since you're there, I'll make you a list here.
(QUIETLY): Okay.
Oh, you also, uh, need to get some pens.
- Yeah, sure, some pens.
- Mm-hmm.
Bras on, Joanie.
You got visitors.
Oh! Kids.
Oh, what lovely flowers.
Aren't they gorgeous? Tyler just got them for me.
- TYLER: Mm-hmm.
- Oh, here.
"Feel better.
From us.
" I'll-I'll cherish this.
Did you make this grilled cheese? Of course.
It's easy.
Well, I got laundry to do.
Any change I find, I get to keep.
You know, I see Pop-Pop as a "sitting in a chair and expecting things" kind of guy, but he's really stepping up.
- Something wrong? - Gruyère.
Gruyère cheese.
That means he went into the market.
He didn't just sit in the car, honking the horn the whole time.
I think it's really amazing that you guys still have your licenses.
I can't believe this.
I cook and clean for 50 years, and all the while, I'm married to a secret Martha Stewart.
Okay, Dad, the laundry's gonna have to wait, okay? I'm working on this baked ziti for Mom.
Oh, the baked ziti is for me.
Uh, your mother wants Bolognese.
What? Okay, the Bolognese is for me, too.
I wasn't sure if I was gonna like your ziti.
- She wants a salad.
- Dad! - Okay.
Skip the salad.
She ate lunch.
- Okay.
You know what? Let Matt and Greg deal with this.
Okay? Where are they? They were supposed to relieve me.
I called them off.
You know, I didn't want the food quality to drop.
Which reminds me, I want to wow Joanie in the morning.
You know how to make a crab Benedict? Yeah, I oh, and your mom probably just wants a bagel.
I came here to take care of Mom, not both of you.
I'm out.
Heather, I'll drive you to the market, huh? And I promise not to honk.
Heather! JOAN: Who's raising their voices down there? (WHISPERS): Heather.
Well, look who rode into town with his next gourmet meal.
Baked ziti à la Joanie.
Uncooked pasta with ketchup.
Well, sure, it may seem like that.
But, actually, it's a culinary journey.
First, you're a gourmet chef and now this? Well, sounds like somebody didn't see - the uncooked hot dogs.
- Okay, I'm sleeping on a bare mattress.
What is going on? Yeah, yeah, the, uh, sheets are in the pool.
I didn't know where to go from there.
Oh, I got, I got a confession to make, Joanie.
All the stuff you think that I've been doing for you, Heather's been doing it.
- It was all Heather? - Mm-hmm.
You take such good care of me, I wanted to take care of you.
Are you mad? I'm thrilled! Really? All this time, I thought I was married to somebody who was lazy.
And, really, it turns out you're just very, very incompetent.
Oh, Joanie.
MATT: Okay, so this lookbook will give you a sense of who we are and, uh, the family that your child would actually be joining.
COLLEEN: Binding it with shoelaces was my idea.
- Crafty mom.
- Yeah.
Ugh, this isn't sweet at all.
I asked for extra drizzle.
Yeah, you can you can actually never have too much sugar.
Yep.
Babies love sugar.
That's what makes them so sweet.
Mm.
(SLURPS) Mmm.
You know what? It's actually not bad.
It was my gum that was making it taste bad.
That's convenient.
(EXHALES) So, uh, this is a picture from Halloween.
That's actually us.
I don't know if you can tell, but we're-we're dressed as the actual Minions.
Oh, I love Halloween.
It's the one night where all crime is legal.
Ugh.
No way, you basic B.
You better watch your fat back.
Is everything okay with your basic B? She's been on my ass ever since she found out I was pregnant.
Like, come on, like my mom's never smashed a rando, right? So, your basic B is-is actually your mom? Yeah.
And now she wants my ex-boyfriend's number.
God, I can't believe they're gonna get back together.
Anyway, I got to pee.
Being pregnant blows.
You're so lucky you can't have kids, Colleen.
I feel lucky.
So, so lucky.
- Do you think she likes us? I can't tell.
- Oh, no, no, no.
You're doing great, you're doing great, you're doing great.
I'm the one who can't stop saying "actually.
" I think I've actually said it, like, 14 times.
15.
No, stop.
You sound so smart.
If I were pregnant, I would totally give us my baby.
(CHUCKLES) Ugh, adorbs.
I am so weak for you.
Um, unfortunately, my next couple's early, so you guys should probably skedaddle.
Your next couple? Bradford, Poppy.
Matt and Colleen.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Look at the jaundice your other children have.
- (CHUCKLES) - Oh, that's that's actually us dressed up as Minions.
- Cute.
- Oh.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- See you.
- MATT: All right.
- Sorry.
Excuse me.
- Thank you.
Sorry.
Excuse us.
Well, here is our digital lookbook.
I hope you don't mind it's on a tablet.
Which you can keep.
- What? My God, thank you so much.
- (POPPY CHUCKLES) - POPPY: You're so welcome.
- What? Um, they're hugging? I'm sorry.
I thought that she was weak for us.
(GRUNTS) I told you we shouldn't have put the Minions picture on the cover.
We look like two Twinkies stuffed in denim wrappers.
Oh.
Is that actually on me, actually? I mean, do you even know any other words in the English language? I know the word "gift.
" You know, that thing that you said we shouldn't bring.
Okay, look, I don't want us to turn on each other just because you screwed up so bad.
Just ask Molly to give you the truck when she's done with it, Lucas.
She'll bite me.
Well, then roll down your sleeves.
Good luck.
- Yeah, he's gonna get bit.
- MATT: Sheesh.
So, I-I haven't connected with Morgan yet, but how did your meeting go? - Mm.
- Oh, we blew it.
Colleen said a whole bunch of stuff - that she totally regrets.
- Um we both are filled with regret and rage - for one another.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Well, that's marriage.
You know, I threw a tea kettle at my husband this morning.
But I'm sure you guys did fine.
Well, we didn't know that this was a competition.
We would be the perfect parents to this little baby.
We just need more time to prove it to Morgan.
I know how much this means to you, but, unfortunately, Morgan's catching a bus back to Modesto today.
The best thing you can do is be patient and wait.
LUCAS: Ow, she bit me! All right, it begins.
I'm sorry.
(SIGHS) Wh-What's up, guys? This is weird.
It's actually the opposite of weird.
(CHUCKLES) I see how you fell into that "actually" trap.
Yep.
Oh.
I'm sorry, do you have beef with my bump or something? Hey, why don't you come say it to my face, then? - Why don't you - So good to see you.
Yeah, it's, uh, - it's good to see you guys, too.
- Yeah.
Yeah, our conversation got cut short earlier.
We just didn't get a chance to give you our gift.
- We made you a new lookbook.
- Oh.
Wow, this is, um I don't get it.
This is blank.
Am I supposed to be, like, blind to read this or something? No, no, no, no.
It's supposed to be blank.
We got to talking about the lookbook that we gave you before, and that's just pictures of us before having a baby.
And what we really want you to see is what our lives are gonna look like with the baby.
If you pick us, we will fill that book with amazing photos of the life that baby will have.
I'm sorry, I really just don't feel comfortable taking this.
- Okay.
- Okay.
I don't know, it's just kind of stupid.
(CHUCKLES): You already gave me a lookbook with you guys as Minions on it, and I loved that.
- You did? - I, uh, I saw that movie with my dad.
And I don't really have a lot of memories with him, so that's my favorite one.
That's so sweet.
When I saw you guys dressed up like that, looking all stupid and stuff, it kind of just felt like maybe it was a sign or something.
You know, that this whole mess that I got myself into maybe it was meant to be, and that this this thing belongs with you.
With us? You're picking us? Yeah! [LAUGHS.]
- No, no, no.
Don't cry.
Don't cry.
- No.
- We don't - Okay, yeah.
Never.
My bus is gonna leave soon, so I should probably get going.
Maybe I can just move in with you guys on, like, Saturday - or something like that? - BOTH: Yeah.
And crap.
My rats can't ride the bus with me.
- Rats.
Rats, rats, rats.
- It's some sort of legal thing.
But we'll figure that out later.
Thank you so much.
Yeah.
Bye.
- Okay, bye.
- Bye.
We're having a baby.
I am so weak for you.
[BOTH LAUGH.]