Live at The Apollo (2004) s04e02 Episode Script

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Al Murray, the Pub Landlord! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Whoa! Yeah! Come on, come and shake my hand! Shake my hand Come and shake my hand.
Shake my hand! God bless ya! Fantastic.
Whoa! Yes! CHEERING Let's hear it for the beer! CHEERING All hail to the ale! CHEERING And welcome the wine for the ladies.
Good evening.
Eh? Look at you, beautiful British audience of beautiful British people.
Look at this front row, does it get any better than this, hey? The lad on the end with the training shoes, and a hoodie top on there.
What's your name, son? Doug.
Doug, beautiful British name.
So what do you do, Doug, post offices, mainly? Get it? Is this your missus, Doug? Congratulations, mate.
May I say What's your name, darling? Sarah.
Beautiful British name, Doug and Sarah, that's respectable, innit? That's normal, innit? Doug and Sarah invite you over for cheesy dippers.
Sunday afternoon cheesy dippers, Doug and Sarah.
May I say, right now, mate, you are batting well above your average there, sir.
If only If only If only you played cricket for England, my friend.
Imagine! Tell me, Sarah, what do you do for a living, darling? Bearing in mind the correct answer for a woman is of course, secretarial nurse.
What d'you do, my love? Research.
Research? Secretary, good girl.
Fantastic.
Look at these Herberts on the end in their suits, eh? Fantastic! In the purple, what's your name, squire? James.
James? IN POSH VOICE: Bloody marvellous, James! Ja-a-a-a-ames! How are you, all right, Ja-a-a-a-ames?! But you can call me the J-Star! What you do, James, for a living, squire? Investment manager.
Investment manager! Bloody fantastic! One day, I'm gonna give it all up and set up a juice bar, it's gonna be bloody brilliant.
Ya! It's Daddy's bank, I don't know what we're doing.
This your best mate sat with you? Partner, actually.
Partner.
Oh, right.
Oh, bloody hell, that's my bloody partner! You should By that, what d'you mean, exactly? APPLAUSE I mean, purple shirt and a partner, you're giving yourself clues here, aren't you, James? Public school? Mmm? Yeah? Is that why it costs extra? What's your name, pal? Dan.
Dan.
James and Da-a-a-a-an! James and Dan's groovy investment shop, we're out of business now.
The market's collapsed.
Now, the point is this Nice to meet you, Danny, what's your job title, Danny? Tell us.
I'm a tax accountant.
Tax accountant! AUDIENCE: Ooh! They say that ignorance leads to hatred, don't they? Well, on this occasion, it's knowledge.
Now we know what you do, we don't like you, do we, pal? Who here likes paying tax? No-one! Think again, ladies and gentlemen.
Think again.
Income tax was invented for one thing.
Back in the 1790s, it was invented to pay for a war against the French.
Yeah.
You see, you like it now, don't ya? It's worth still paying.
How about another war with the French, hey? Shut down a few universities, start the long-range shelling of Lyons.
Now There's a whole five Look at this, five women.
That's fantastic, that's an entire week's worth.
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday.
Look at this, fantastic! Monday, what's your name, darling? LAUGHTER What's your name, my sweet? Amy.
Amy, beautiful British name, comes from the ancient Celtic name meaning "loose," of course.
You didn't know that.
What do you do, Ames? Investment management.
Investment management? Woo! Secretary, with a copy of The Economist.
Sat next to you Tuesday, what's your name, love? Louise.
Loui-i-i-ise! Beautiful British name meaning, "born on a council estate.
" Yeah.
You can hear it now, can't you? The bloke stood next to the burning car.
"Come back, Louise! "I don't care about the other bloke's baby!" Now, tell me LAUGHTER Some people will do anything to get a flat.
Tell me, Louise .
.
what you do for a living, darling? I'm an office manager.
Office manager.
Secretary.
Yeah.
Stop mucking about! Wednesday, what's your name, love? Jen.
Jen.
Beautiful British name.
What d'you do, Jen? PA.
PA.
Yeah, secretary.
Yeah Just cos it takes less typing! All you've proved there is you're a lazy secretary, who doesn't know how to spell secretary, just goes Hello Huh? PA Hu-huh! What? Is that you, Louise? LAUGHTER Thursday, what's your name, love? Jane.
Jane, beautiful British name, what do you do, Jane? I'm a document controller.
A document controller! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE A secretary! Or nowadays, in broken Britain, a nurse.
Yeah, exactly, they're too busy filing, aren't they, to take care of any patients in broken Britain? On the end, Friday, what's your name, love? Elizabeth.
Eh? Elizabeth.
Elizabeth! Ooh! That's more like it.
Elizabeth! Hey, we've worked our way up, haven't we? All the way up.
From the gutter, let's face it! Let's not muck about 'ere.
And what do you do, Lizzie? Betty.
What d'you do, Liza? What d'you do, Elizabeth? What d'you do, sweets? Document controller.
A document controller? Consider your answer again, bearing in mind the four previous wrong answers.
What d'you do for a living, Elizabeth? You're a secretary? Good girl, fantastic.
How about that, hey? Good girl.
Eh, it's such a privilege, we've got one of the big stars on one of the biggest shows on TV, from Strictly Come Dancing, it's Brendan Cole, ladies and gentlemen! How about that, eh? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It's easy, innit? It's easy.
You're from New Zealand, of course, aren't you? He's from New Zealand, how about that? He's from New Zealand.
He had to leave, of course, he didn't fit in with the other orcs.
Now "Mr Frodo, my sword is turning pink, I think there's a ballroom dancer coming!" Now, the point is LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You're beautiful people, this is a beautiful country.
Great Britain, greatest country in the world! Inhabited by the most sensible, normal, down-to-earth people.
But it's currently broken.
And I think we can fix broken Britain with a couple of simple measures.
Dead simple, what we need to doRIGHT NOW in Great Britain is bring back shame.
Yep.
We live in a shameless age.
We've got schoolchildren dressed as hookers and hookers dressed as schoolchildren! Hey? We don't know whether to carry sweets or money, it's a nightmare.
Now, the point is Desperate times, desperate measures! The point is, we need to bring back shame.
I mean, look at these two.
"What? "Does he mean me, Danny?" Yeah! In the city there, ripping us off, sucking money out of the Government's already empty bloody buckets.
"Oh, bloody brilliant.
Fantastic! I hope he doesn't have a go.
" Yeah.
I reckon if we were to raise our shaming fingers of shame right now, together, all together, and say, "Shame on you, you leaching bloody bastards" If we, the decent, ordinary sensible people of Great Britain, the normal people of Great Britain, not you, Craig Revel Horwood, you're not in this bit.
If we, the normal people of Great Britain, were to raise our fingers and say, "Shame on you, you leaching bloody bastards," then maybe we could start to turn Great Britain round.
You up for this? Yeah! Raise your shaming fingers of shame, everybody.
All raise your fingers Yeah, not you two.
Raise the shaming fingers of shame.
Altogether, "Shame on you, you leaching bloody bastards!" Here we go, one, two, three Shame on you, you leaching bloody bastards! Shame on you, you leaching bloody bastards! Shame on you, you leaching bloody bastards! How about that? Give yourselves a round of applause.
Ah! Doesn't that feel good? We need to bring back shame, are we agreed on that? Yeah.
And the way we can bring back shame is one simple thing, we need to bring back a sense of consequences for our actions.
In this world, there are no more consequences for actions.
And what I'm talking about, if there's no consequences in this life, what we need to do is bring back to Britain the simple sense of hell, the idea, if we screw up in this life, we will burn in sulphur for all eternity in the next life.
Now, this is quite a tough sell.
Right? You don't like that idea, do you? Hear me out, this is a good idea, have we got any Christians present? I need your assistance.
Any Christian people here this evening? Yeah? In the pink shirt.
What's your name, son? Josh.
Josh, fantastic! Are you a Christian? I am.
So you understand the idea of redemption, eternity Yeah? Resurrection? Eternity, in particular.
And I do, too.
I understand the notion of eternity.
Cos I went to church on Sunday.
And let me tell you this - that service went on forever! Right If it took me an hour to open a bottle of wine, I'd be drummed out of business.
The point is this How long does it take to open a packet of crisps? Get on with it! Now The problem with the idea of hell is, no-one's frightened of it.
I'm gonna describe hell for you, and none of you are gonna bat an eyelid, right? Bodies boiling in Mouldering in the grave.
We'll take your soul and boil it in boiling oil for 1,000 millennium.
After that, two selfish demons, Satan himself, will come along, pull out your kidneys and set fire to them on the red hot coals of hell itself.
After this, another demon will come along, pull out your eyeballs, stick them on a red hot poker, burn them on the hot coals of hell, stick them up your arsehole and they'll come out of your own mouth with your shit on it.
And this will go on forever.
See, you're not bothered by that, are you? In fact, most of you are laughing at it.
In fact, most of us, being British, are thinking, "Well, come on, then! "Call yourself the devil?!" And that's the interesting thing about hell, innit? When you describe it, when someone describes hell, it tells you everything you need to know about that person, what he's like and what his people are like.
I described hell in a normal British accent, which tells you that we the British are stoic, tough people, who can take absolutely bloody anything.
And that's the interesting thing about hell, it tells you about the people telling you about it.
Hell, in a French accent, for instance, sounds like a recipe.
Right? And while ze body's lying down, ze worms inside ze flesh will take out ze soul and place it in very 'ot oil for a long time! Zen, once it is tender, two demons come together, remove ze kidneys and place zem on ze 'ot coals with white wine vinegar, some sea salt, rosemary and cook zem till zey are brown on the outside but still pink in ze middle.
We take ze eyeballs, place zem on the hot coals, cook until zey are crunchy on ze outside, runny in ze middle, on ze hot poker, stick them up ze arse, zey come out of the mouth with ze shit on, it is delicieux.
Absolutely magnifique! APPLAUSE You see? Perverts! Perverts, basically.
Yeah? Hell Hell, in a Dutch accent, sounds like a pretty good stag do, dunnit? MIMICKING DUTCH ACCENT: Hey, and while your body's lying down we'll take you to the hottest place you could imagine.
Imagine the hottest place you can go, yeah? Now go even hotter.
Two demons will come together and rub oil all over your body.
Two demons together, two demons together at once, and then you'll take out your kidneys.
Oh, hot kidneys! Place the kidneys in a hot place and cook the kidneys till they're hard, until your kidneys are hard, and then take out your eyeballs and stick them in your bum hole, and it'll cost you 45 euros Hey, are we ready? Sounds like an agreeable weekend.
APPLAUSE There's one group of people who understand hell, of whom I think Great Britain, broken Britain, could learn a lesson.
This is why I have faith in Gordon Brown.
I am talking about Her Majesty's loyal and noble subjects - the Scots.
We've got some Jocks in Where are you? Show of hands Fantastic.
A Scotsman there, a Scotsman up there.
The fellow in a Superman shirt What's your name, son? - Ian.
- Ian! Beautiful.
Beautiful British name.
Comes from the ancient Celtic name meaning "subject of the English.
" Tell me, where are you from in Scotland, sir? Edinburgh.
So you have a keen understanding of the notion of hell? Now, the thing is, I love you Jocks, you're beautiful people, because you work hard, you play hard, you get stuck in.
Don't ya? Yeah.
You live your lives to the full.
The reason for this is Scottish people understand the precise meaning of hell.
Right, they understand the notion of eternal damnation for one simple reason.
Cos hell in a Scottish accent is the most terrifying thing you'll ever clap ears on without a shadow of a doubt.
SCOTTISH ACCENT: And while your body is smouldering in the grave and the worms are eating your FLESH, your soul will be taken to a place of eternal damnation and burn in boiling oil for a thousand years and thenand then and thentwo sulphurous demons, emissaries of Satan himself, Beelzebub, the Lord of the Flies, will come and they'll pull out your kidneys, they'll pull out your kidneys, one by one they'll pull out your kidneys, and then take those kidneys and they'll place them on the red-hot coals of hell itself, and burn, burn, BURN those kidneys! Burn those kidneys till they're black, and they'll take out your eyeballs.
Aye! They'll take out your eyeballs.
One by one, out come the eyeballs.
Pop! Pop go the eyeballs and they'll place them on a red-hot poker, and they'll take that red-hot poker and your eyeballs and they'll shove it up your tiny, wee, shitting arsehole from whence your shite came, and this will go on forever and ever! I think that pretty much That pretty much explains the Jocks.
Now, we've got a fabulous show for you tonight.
We've fixed broken Britain.
Let's get on with having a laugh.
How about that? Eh, ladies and gentlemen? We've got a fabulous comedian now.
It gives me very great pleasure, and it will give you equal pleasure, to welcome to the stage now Miss Shappi Khorsandi! MUSIC: "I Don't Feel Like Dancin' " by Scissor Sisters Hello! ALL: Whoo! Look at you.
This is lovely.
This is like one of my family weddings.
But a slightly different colour.
The Apollo.
It makes a difference from the usual gigs I play.
Normally I play the kind of comedy clubs that, when I come on stage, men look at me and go, "Hang on a minute.
"There's a bird on the stage.
" I have to explain to them some of us get on a stage now without a pole.
And sometimes I get wolf-whistles, which is lovely.
I never used to get that when I was a bloke.
Well, my name is Shappi, and Shappi isn't my real name.
It's just a nickname.
It's short for Shaparak.
I changed it to Shappi when I was 12.
I got sick of being called "Shit- Attack".
Teachers are so cruel.
And my mum always used to say to me STRONG ACCENT: "But you know" She's foreign.
".
.
Shaparak, it means 'butterfly' in Persian.
" I looked up in a Persian dictionary.
It actually means "moth".
It's a bit insensitive putting all these lights up around me if I'm honest with you.
It is.
It's like dissing my culture.
Do you get me? That was me being "street".
It doesn't suit me, does it, cos I'm quite Blue Peter? When you have a really foreign name, you have to shorten it so people pronounce it better, so I shortened Shaparak to Shappi.
I went to school with a guy called Mir Abdul-Barkee, and he shortened his name to Jim.
I have a cousin called Muhammad, and he's had to change his name to "It Wasn't Me".
I am from the Middle East.
I'm actually Iranian.
I was born in Iran, and a lot of American people still don't know the difference between Iran and Iraq, and I always have to explain to them we're the ones WITH weapons of mass destruction.
I don't know if I would have turned out a stand-up comedian in Iran cos, as you know, the Iranian government advocate free speech, but there's no freedom after you've spoken.
It gets a bit deathy.
So I came to Britain in the early '80s.
We were refugees, long before it became fashionable.
But my favourite immigrants are Polish people because they properly confuse old-fashioned racists.
Have you seen them? They don't know what to do.
"What do we say? They're immigrants, but they're white!" I heard this one bloke go AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: "Bloody Poles, "coming over here, with their work ethic!" Which isn't very politically correct, and I am.
I try so hard to be PC.
Sometimes I take it too far.
I was at a party recently, and I said to my friend, "Have you met Steve? "He's a really nice guy.
" My friend goes, "Which one's Steve?" Steve was the only black guy in the room.
I found myself going, "Steve, he's over there.
He's got blue jeans on, a grey T-shirt, sort of curly hair "and a Nigerian accent.
" And once I was performing at a comedy club and there were two black guys in the front row, like you two.
But men and black.
You are a man, sir, I'm sorry.
It's the light.
I said to them, "So, how do you two know each other?" They looked at each other and went, "We don't.
" Might as well have had "NF" tattooed on my forehead.
I didn't, it was felt-tip.
I like friendly A little bit of friendly racism is nice.
When I was a little girl I used to always used to go to my friend Katie's house.
And every time her dad opened the door he'd go, "Hello, Shappi, been on holiday?" So, emI have a little boy.
I have a baby boy, I'm a mum.
And I'm looking at you, some of you are so young.
I could be your mummy if I lived somewhere rural.
LAUGHTER Like a lot of women, I got to my 30s and thought, "I've got to have a baby now! "While my mum's still young enough to look after it for me.
" And I went to all the antenatal classes.
And this woman came up to me, one of the other mums, and goes, "Oh, how are you planning on losing your baby weight?" I was like, "Well, I was just thinking of having the child.
" And she was like, "Oh, I'm going to be a yummy mummy.
" "Yummy mummy" that's just like a middle-class way of saying MILF.
I was so happy when I found out that I was pregnant.
We had a scan.
We knew it was a boy.
People said, "Why did you find out the sex of your baby? "Didn't you want a surprise?" Well, it's going to be a boy or a girl, d'you know what I mean? The only surprise would have been if it was a puppy.
And there are no puppies in my family.
There's one goat - it's not a blood relation.
Thank goodness I have a child.
It was no fun being a broody Iranian woman.
Every time I said to people, "My body clock's ticking," they'd hit the ground.
There was all that going on.
When I did find out I was pregnant, I was so delighted.
I thought, "I am going to fill this child's life up with love, hope and understanding.
" My husband's reaction was slightly different.
He walked around going, "Woo-hoo! My soldiers worked!" "Easy! Easy!" It's not his.
Oh, the fuss he made when he found out I was cheating on him.
Only child.
Can't share.
My husband's English, from Nottingham, and a lot of people ask me if my husband's Iranian.
And I go, "Well, he's not, he's English.
But he's planning to convert.
" His family are lovely.
When they met me, they kept going, "Oh, Shappi's so exotic.
"She's so exotic.
" Which means "foreign", but not in a way that we hate.
And his grandma is especially sweet.
When she found out that I was Iranian she goes, "Oh, you're Iranian? "What a coincidence.
Our next-door neighbours, they're Indian.
" I must go round, compare spices.
I'm actually going on holiday to India next month.
I wanted to know what the weather was going to be like there, so I phoned my bank.
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE I am bilingual.
I speak fluent Persian.
If you're bilingual, you use your other language to talk about people so they don't understand.
But we mix our languages so much, we don't realise we're doing it, which defeats the whole object.
The amount of times I've been out with my mum and she goes SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE ".
.
with the red coat.
" SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE ".
.
fatty.
" So, my mother-in-law asked me, soon after my son was born, my mother-in-law asked me, "So, Shappi, are you going to have your son circumcised?" And I was like, "Well, not unless he's REALLY naughty.
" I went to a Christian school.
But this was in the '80s, so they didn't call them "Christian schools" then, they just called them "school".
We used to have nativity plays and I always wanted to play an angel.
But, as my teachers explained to me, "No, Shit-Attack.
"Little blonde girls are angels.
"Little brown girls are the whores of Babylon.
" It was all very Christian.
In fact, I went to Brownies as well, which is a Christian organisation.
But my parents sent me cos they thought it was an after-school club for Asian kids.
My secondary school was very different.
I went to a big state comprehensive, where the motto was SHE SPEAKS IN LATIN Which translates as, "Try not to get stabbed, yeah?" It was very difficult, and the boys didn't pay any attention to me until I was about 15 or 16.
But then only the Asian guys came up to me and went, "What are you? "What are you?" I'm like POSH ACCENT: "Why, I do believe I'm human.
" "No, no, no, are you Hindu, are you Muslim, are you Sikh, what are you?" They were very devout boys.
They wanted to check you were the same religion as them before they tried to finger you behind the bike shed.
I grew up in West London, but I lived in Brixton for a long time.
Brixton's brilliant.
It's one of those places CHEERING Hey! I love it.
You feel like a movie star coming out of Brixton underground station because of all of the CCTV cameras.
I just go there for fun on a Sunday in a backless dress and go And there's all these people outside going, "Shappi! Shappi! Over here!" They're not really.
They are going, "Hash, hash.
Crack, crack.
Skunk, skunk.
Hash, hash.
" And like most Londoners, I ignore drug dealers unless I need something.
I'm kidding, I've only ever taken cocaine once.
Horrible drug.
I ended up walking around this party talking really loudly about myself all night long.
It had no effect on me at all! LAUGHTER But my mother doesn't have that sort of street-smarts about her.
When she came to visit me in Brixton, she got to my house with an eighth and a receipt.
The younger generation is very different.
I have a sister and a brother.
They're twins, and 13 years younger than me cos my mother had a menopause panic.
My little sister said to me recently, "Isn't that really weird? Cos, like, "we're sisters and we both live in London, but I never see you.
" That's cos of the way you talk! Different generations and different dads.
And my little sister, she thinks she's a bit ghetto, do you get me? She comes out with stuff like, "You don't know what it's like on the street.
" And I'm like, "It's a bit parky.
" And she's like, "Shap, Shap, don't tell no-one you saw me, yeah? "Don't tell no-one you saw me.
Cos I got people after me.
"I got people after me.
" Yes, Ealing library.
And just one final thing before I go, my little sister got me on Facebook, cos I was on MySpace.
And she goes, "No, no, no! You don't want to be on MySpace.
"You want to be on Facebook.
" So I joined both, but I keep muddling them up and I keep inviting people to come on MyFace.
LAUGHTER Still, 80,000 friends You've been delightful, thank you.
CHEERING Shappi Khorsandi, there, ladies and gentlemen.
How about that?! We're gonna keep it moving, ladies and gentlemen.
We've a fantastic young man joining us now.
Please, build up your applause APPLAUSE .
.
as we welcome to the stage my favourite stand-up and yours, it's Mr Russell Kane, ladies and gentlemen! CHEERING, APPLAUSE Good evening, Hammersmith! Are you all right? AUDIENCE: Yeah! I feel like I've been released.
It's a day up in London for.
I'm from Southend.
Any Essex folk? CHEERING Loads! Look at all the girls.
"I'll have a Bacardi Breezer when you're finished, Dave.
" Put me against the skip - show me you love me!" That's the thing, everyone in Essex, they won't be taking offence.
They'll be going, "He's right.
We hate ourselves.
Hate us, too!" British people bond on a negative.
I loved watching you lot arrive.
I was milling out there.
I wasn't backstage, I was observing you.
How you all bond.
Nearly everyone I bumped into, even if they were having a great night, had a moan about something.
And our American and Kiwi friends say, "Why do they have to be so negative?" You and I both know we get a little buzz that rushes up our spine when we moan.
We get pleasure from it.
It actually makes us feel good.
A little shot of serotonin goes up when we go, "It's a bit shit, isn't it?" Ding! It's great! The smallest unit of British communication resolves in a positive even though it's a negative.
Smallest unit, "How was your day?" "Shit! My day was shit!" "Let's go to the pub.
" Happiness! Smallest unit of American communication.
"How was your day?" "Great! My day was great! Let's go to the bar! After I've had a workout!" The further you get down that archetypal British continuum, the more miserable the men are.
I can see some of them in their room, the white, hard, right-wing, working-class dad.
My dad's Cockney head is so severe he sprained it when he was giving me a bollocking.
"Why can't you just be racist?! Why do you have to let the family down?!" He can climb the stairs with the traction of it.
"You better not be reading up there, you freak!" And they can't be positive, can they? What is it? There'll be guys in the room that grew up with that dad.
"I want to tell him my love him, but I can't be positive, it's like my trachea just closes up, Julie.
" "Just tell him you're proud of him.
" "I can't, I want to tell him he's shit and make him stronger!" At my age I should be over it, but I'm still looking for it, and my mum knew I was coming on stage tonight, she went, "Don't do that stuff about your dad not being proud of you.
"Cos it's not true, he's very proud of you - in private.
" In private! What kind of an emotional retard goes into a private chamber to express their pride? Huh? Look, I've got a degree, I wanted some feedback.
"Dad, I've got a degree, "I've got a first-class honours in English.
" "I'll be in the shed.
" He's down there all twisted up, I want to tell him I love him but I can't.
"What are you doing in there, Dad?" "I'm practising my fighting, leave me alone.
"You read Penguin Classics, you're probably gay.
" It's the same with how we mate as well.
It's nice being in a relationship, but British people find it incredibly hard.
There'll be British people in this room who's in a relationship, loads of you.
There'll the British people that are single, but there'll be hardly one British couple in the room that's on a date, a first date.
"Shall we go out for a date?" We don't date, do we? It's impossible, it involves presenting yourselves as perfect, sober and going, "Do you want to mate me? I think you do, right?" We wanna present ourselves on that first date warts and all.
Not warts, that would be Imagine that on a first date.
"You might wanna get some liquid nitrogen on that big one.
" "Either that or a hat.
" We don't go on dates.
The Kiwis are brilliant, they'll go for pizzas, they'll go for coffee, they will meet each other, not us.
I'm not talking about seedy one-night sex.
There could be guys in love with a girl, they could be the love of your life, but you'll still have to wait until we're hammered enough to present ourselves warts and all, right? You'll be at an office party looking at her, you just keep drinking and drinking until you're numb enough just to wander over to her and go, "I don't care what it is, I just want to shove something up you.
" And like when I was abroad, I'm not doing that anti-American material, I admired it.
The American men, wouldn't you kill for a slice of their confidence? "If I like a girl, I just ask her out, even if it's lunchtime.
" What are you doing, you dick?! Eugh! These guysGeorge and Hannah, I was doing something in New York, they'd known each other for two days.
You know when you see a spark between a couple and it's all cute and everything? British people do nothing about it till we're sambuca'ed up and we can get onto it, right? "Light mine, I'm going in!" And George was like, "I really think Hannah's hot," and I was like, "Yeah, we'll have to wait until we go to a party.
" "No, I'm gonna ask her out right now," and I was like, "What are you doing?!" This is what happened, it's New York, it's lunchtime, everyone's sober, George walks over to Hannah and went, "Hey, Hannah, do want to go out on a date on Wednesday, maybe get pizza or something?" Do you know what she said? Yes! She said yes! She said, "Yeah, that'd be swell, let's go do that.
" She didn't say swell, I made that bit up! "Let's bring Biff and Scooter and go for malt shakes!" Could you imagine if one of these British bulldogs in the front row even tried that approach? Could you imagine? "It's lunchtime, I'm going to ask out Jackie right now.
"Sod it, I'm going to do it.
"Er, Jackie Jackie "Jackie, do you want to go out for a bit of pizza on Wednesday?" "That's a little bit rapey, back off, I'm sorry.
" Isn't it a lovely mixed age range in here? Has anyone else noticed that? We got some people sort of 14 to 18, "Do some Harry Potter stuff!" Some of the boys going, "If you even mention Hermione, I'll break you in!" And then you got some of the older, silver-haired men going, "I don't laugh, I only come to comedy to watch other people laugh to see how shallow they are, I've never laughed.
" If I'm too horrible to old people, they're like, "Well, I've only got about a week to live Wanker!" Wouldn't it be great if an old guy took offence and just heckled me by Stannah stairlift? Vvvv! "You cocky shit!" Vvvv! "I'll put you in my walk-in bath and mess you up!" "I'll pelt you with Werthers, how's that for original? "Do you want some of that?!" My favourite old person is my nan.
If I work in London, I stay at my nan's, because I used to live there a bit when I wasn't getting on with my dad.
And like she doesn't mind, she likes to see me flawed and faulty like the rest of us, she looks on with pride.
What kind of a country where a grandparent looks on with pride seeing that I'm hammered? Has anyone ever been drunk enoughand I don't mean done this for a laugh, I mean genuinely to feel the pleasure of being in the womb and being lifted to bed in a Stannah stairlift? Needed it, just needed it! When you're so drunk, it feels so good.
Vvvv! To actually need to be carried like And my nan enjoys watching it, she cracks up.
She gets my granddad Ken out of his disability chair to watch, you know.
You know granddads, pretending nothing's wrong.
"There's nothing wrong with me, I'm absolutely fine.
"I can still drive the D-reg Metro.
"1,000 miles on the clock, no-one knows how.
" They gather at the bottom of the stairs to watch me on the border of vomit lifting Is there anything more British than two blue-badged disabled pensioners, arms linked at the bottom of the stairs, looking on with pride as a perfectly healthy British adult lifts himself to bed? Vvvv! "Look at him, Ken, he's mullered!" My dad, I wish my dad was here watching.
"Never come out of the house, I don't want to be there, I don't like laughter, it makes me feel stupid.
" It's one of those dads, everything was provided, wasn't violent, was a big man.
There's nothing explicit I can hang the chips on my shoulder on, but there'll be women in the audience with men like this, men that just The tiniest thing happens and the whole day, a black cloud comes down.
"A traffic jam, kick the sat nav off the window!" Whole day has gone, that's what my dad was like.
It was like emotional Kryptonite in my childhood.
My tenth birthday, my tenth I'm over it, again, right? On my tenth birthday, Pizza Hut, I'd managed to go to Pizza Hut.
I wanted to goor any other leading brand of pizza restaurant.
Went out for pizza on my tenth birthday.
I spilt half a glass of water, half a glass, my mum's like, "Ah!" This was my dad's response - "The whole dayis ruined.
"The whole day! The whole day.
" My dad's a typical British, shaven-headed working Right? The only things that make him happy are being negative and curry.
That is the British "I like right-wing views, I like Kilroy, and I like a dhansak, right?" And he was obsessed, he spent my whole childhood unhealthily obsessed with this restaurant called the Akash in Potters Bar, obsessed with it! Whether we wanted to celebrate things there or not, we had to go there.
Fifth birthday - Akash, Potters Bar.
It was a korma, "Break him in," right? If my mum got a new cleaning job - Akash, Potters Bar.
My brother's in a talent competition - Akash, Potters Bar.
Everything was in there, it was the only time I saw him smile.
The only time I saw him cry Has anyone never seen their dad cry apart from like once or twice? Do you know what I mean, when you see the big silver-backed alpha just have a tear coming down the black fur on his face? And it shocks you.
Ironically, when I was younger, I understood it better.
I was eight years old, and my nan on the other side of the family, Eva, the Jewish side, right, she died, and I came in, and my dad's crying, and although it was shocking to see this alpha crying, I could just about get my head around it because his own mother had died.
And then nothing again, he's back to just being negative, I come in from school when I'm 13, and my dad's there, hunched over his rudimentary stumps on the breakfast bar like And this is the image I remember, he cried so much there was a V of moisture on his blue vest where he'd cried.
and this is a man who I've never moved to tears with anything I've ever danced, sang, said, joked about.
I got hit by car and my dad was there, "Don't cry, boy! Don't cry!" And he's crying, so can you imagine how shocking it is? And I'm like, "Dad, what's happened to move you to tears like this?" And this is what he said - "The Akashhas closed.
" I hope I never have daughters, because all my cousins are passing through that 11 to 15-year-old age range, and it's depressing how suddenly girls change.
I know this is a really outmoded view, but if it was my kid, I'd want a son, so at least it's a bit gradual until he's 25 and he becomes a man, just carries on and on until he's about 40.
But with a girl, when they're 11, it's like, "I want to sing and dance for my papa, "all I'm interested in is singing and dancing for you, Daddy, I'm your princess, and nobody else is.
" 12 years old, "Just about singing and dancing for my papa.
"Look, my Barbies are arranged in age order, I love you, Daddy!" 13, first boyfriend, over the park, chlamydia.
It's depressing! And this is the one that really sticks in my mind.
It was Christmas, and you know sometimes dads, they're a bit rubbish with toddlers, they don't realise to avoid a negative, you need to be positive.
Has anyone got three to five-year-old children? It's great, you can decide whether they cry when they injure themselves.
A toddler can run quite quickly into a table and go And they'll look to you like that.
As long as you do a dance, they don't cry.
"It's nothing, it's nothing, it's nothing!" There'll be blood, "It's a magic colour!" Do you think my dad could get his head around this system? Could he heck! So it's Christmas, my brother's about four, I'm about seven, we're opening our Christmas presents, smiling.
My dad's in his brown Makro dressing gown, just open, glimpse of scrotum through the dressing gown! Isn't that disturbing the first time you see it? "Look at the sac that made you, you're nothing! You're nothing!" We're opening our Christmas presents, right, and we're not seeing my brother's blue Burmese kitten, Sophie, that he got a few months earlier for his birthday.
She'd gone behind the Christmas tree, and she was chewing the wires.
You know the way that kittens will chew wire? And all of a sudden there's, "Eh-eh-boof.
" And the Christmas tree lights have blown, and this little kitten has come out, fat tail, fat fur, looks at us, run out of the living room, through the kitchen, through the cat-flap and to the bottom of the garden.
My brother looked straight to my dad This was his response - "They always run off to die, always.
" Ladies and gentlemen, I've been Russell Kane, thank you very much, good night! CHEERING Top job, mate! Russell Kane there! Brilliant.
You are beautiful, you are beautiful people, yeah.
Beautiful people, I'd like tojust wrap the evening up.
I just wanna ask you one question, it's a simple question.
Cos we've learnt a great deal this evening, how to fix broken Britain, all sorts of things, but one question for you intelligent connoisseurs.
It's this, whatis the driving force of human nature? Any suggestions? Yeah? Tommy Walsh! The driving force of human nature? Love.
Love?! Oh, grow up, you twat! No! Brendan, what's the driving force of human nature? A penis.
A penis? No, it's the thing in front of you, the penis.
Pulling you forward, mate, it's not driving you anywhere.
You're doing it wrong.
Now, the point is No! The driving force of human nature, I'm gonna tell you, that's why I brought it up, right The driving force of human nature is necessity.
Yeah? Necessity.
We're greedy when we need to be, yeah? We have a beer when we need to, we use our penis when we need to, Brendan Cole, not just all the time.
Human Yeah? Human beings are driven by necessity, cos if human beings are just animals, like the science lot would have us believe, if we are just animals, which animal are we? We're the inventing animal, the animal that creates things, that invents things.
Necessity is the mother of invention, innit? Yeah? And I can prove this to you now with one simple example I want you to take away with you tonight.
It's this.
On July 25th 1909, Louis Bleriot was the first man to fly - from France! - .
.
to England in a monoplane aircraft of his own manufacture.
And on July 26th 1909, work on the anti-aircraft gun began.
Because necessitynecessity is the mother of invention.
You've been fantastic, it's been a pleasure drinking with you tonight.
You've been watching Live At The Apollo.
A big thank you to our acts this evening, see you again.
Please take your glasses back to the bar.
Good night, cheers.
All right, thank you! See you again! God bless!