Man Like Mobeen (2017) s04e02 Episode Script

1
MONITOR BEEPS REGULARLY
SNORING
This programme contains
very strong language
Undescended testicle.
Governor Burn?
You've got an
undescended testicle.
Me?
Oh SPEAKS PUNJABI
Your bollock was kicked so
hard, it's gone back inside ya.
In me?
It's gone home.
And in a way, Mobeen,
that's what I've come here
to talk to you today about,
your balls.
You wanna talk to
me about me what?
Your courage.
The courage you've been
showing during your time here,
and the brilliant work you've been
doing with your job as a listener,
counselling other inmates. It's
been really very impressive.
Right.
And that's why I want
you to do some more.
I think you could help
more men on other wings.
Yeah, but I don't fancy
that, to be honest with ya.
You're almost done.
I'd hate to have to
extend your sentence
because you haven't
done the right thing.
I
GROANS AND MUTTERS
GROANS
Pack it in, please, Mobeen.
Think about what
I've said to you,
and while you're thinking,
stay out of trouble,
cos I'm gonna be watching you.
I'm gonna be watching
you all the time.
All the time?
Well, yeah, not all the time.
Not when you're in the shower.
Had to go on that little course,
you know, clear up the confusion.
What were you looking for?
It was research, right?
I'm trying to do good and I
get punished. How is that fair?
The point is, I'm watching you.
Ooh! You bast
MUSIC: Drug Dealer by Levelz
Ay
Skitty
Don't be broke ♪
Wake your bitch ass up.
What is that? What are you
sounding like an American for?
Shut up, Mobeen
Deen. Look at us.
Five minutes into your stupid
mission, and we're almost dead.
We? I am almost dead.
You
..look like Nelly in 2001.
Ah! Look at that.
Hope your testicle's ascending.
Anyways, I was chatting with
Harper over a few games of Zelda.
So you've been playing
Nintendo Switch with Harper?
It was cold last night, so we
got under your kambal Hey!
That is our kambal. It's not
for sharing with other men!
Whoa! I am the one
who's vexed, not you.
This is madness, Mobes.
We're nearly done.
Hey, hey, hey. Nate
..have I ever let you down?
Look at me! OK, I'm
sorry about your life.
But, listen to me, all I need to
do is make a connection with the
..Memory Stick.
MAN COUGHS
Get him in this bed
here, get rid of old Des.
You all right here, Dezzie?
MUSIC OVER HEADPHONES
He's got haemorrhoids, bro.
Trust me, his bum looks
like a war zone. Pop!
Come on, Nathaniel.
You got anywhere yet?
No, cos you violated me, OK?
And I've had the Governor in here
telling me to do more listening.
You messed me up, Harper, so
get mi-mi-mi - go away!
Go away from here. I don't wanna
hear nothing you got to say.
Will you get a move
on, Moon Juice?
He's right - get it
done, get it done quick.
Yeah? Or what? Or what, B-man?
Or we will be going
to couples counselling.
Hmm. Hmm.
Mate, our life shit,
or we are shit!
Look
Don't be broke
Look, all right ♪
WHISTLES
Shit can quickly confuse you
Cos you can buy Mach3 ♪
So, when you're a
once-in-a-generation talent like me,
you can't help but rise to
the top. Crack on, Barry.
Officer Saj. Oh, easy, cuz.
You don't call me that. The
less people know, the better.
Look, I need a favour.
Oh. From me? A total stranger,
who isn't one of your relatives?
You're so sensitive, man.
I'm not sensitive!
Oh.
Is it from Uncle Levi's
birthday back in the day?
Where everyone made you wear
that kid's cowboy outfit?
I was 24.
Look, I need you to get me and
Megalodon transferred to your wing.
No.
Please, cuz.
Megalodon is a fucking lunatic,
and I've just been put
in charge of A wing.
Is it cos of the
cowboy outfit thing?
No. it's cos of the
fucking lunatic thing.
HE SIGHS
Maybe Megalodon will understand.
He's very understanding.
MUSIC: Thug Life by Ambush
Argh!
WHIMPERING
Don't you ever, ever, ever
..beat me at fucking
table tennis again!
You understand?! Yes, I!
How is your missing testis?
Excuse me, sister, yeah? I
don't wanna be inappropriate,
but people have been screwing about
my tatay all day. Can you stop it?
I'm sorry, shall I
keep it down for you?
Please.
LOUDER: How's the
missing bollock?
DES LAUGHS
HE SPEAKS URDU Des.
Mobeen Deen.
I honestly don't
know why you lot
get into these arguments
with the screws.
"You lot"? What do
you mean, "you lot"?
Is this some kind of, like,
man thing or a class thing?
No. It's a dickhead thing,
with you being the dickhead.
Ooh.
Whatever, my privileged sister.
You don't get too many people in
Small Heath that are privileged.
You ain't from no
Small Heath. I was.
Born in Tennyson Road yara.
Tennyson Road?
You from Small Heath. Ha!
You know, despite my
current situation,
I just need you to know
that I actually managed
to navigate my little sister
to medical school, so
The apple falls in a completely
different universe to the tree.
OK.
You're gonna know
better than me.
She can't stand it.
They're the kids of doctors, and
then THEIR parents were doctors.
Just a bunch of people born with
silver dicks in their mouths, man.
Getting experience in
different hospitals is tough
when you're starting out.
She could probably
shadow me here for a bit.
Really?
I mean, hey, that's a
really kind offer, but
..this is prison. I don't really
want my little sister in prisons.
Look, give her my email address
and let's see what she says.
Shm@shm.com.
Hey, you really
are from the ends.
Hey.
Would you need my email
address for anything?
SHE LAUGHS No.
But you've got my email address,
so you and your missing
tatay know where to find me.
We'll find you here.
CLEARS HIS THROA
Interesting lady.
And how are we feeling today?
How are "we" feeling today?
I mean, I feel like utter shit and
I'm struggling to breathe properly.
Not sure what you're
bringing to the party.
I just wanna know how you are.
I feel like somebody who's been
wrongfully labelled a nonce,
and is now wasting the small
amount of breath I can muster
trying to get rid of an
annoying woman. HE COUGHS
Will that do you?
Fine.
MUSIC: No One Knows by Emre Ramazanoglu,
Robert Harris and Matthew Johnson
I tell you what, though,
it sounds rough as, Des.
Well, being bitten by two dogs with
rabies is no joke, let me tell ya.
They shouldn't even be
allowed in this country.
You know, I had to
take time off work.
Do armed robbers get
holiday pay, do they?
DES LAUGHS
Pair of pugs, they were.
Little brown fuckers
give me nightmares.
Imported, they were.
From Egypt, apparently.
Egypt Oh, right. They
should be locked up.
Dirty, smelly little bastards.
Hey, we all know who the
real victim is here, our Des.
Exactly.
BEEP
DES WHISTLES
MUSIC: Cut It by OT Genesis
Cut it, cut it,
cut it, cut it ♪
HARPER: Back to your wing.
Come on, let's not
take all day about it.
Fuck's sake.
Can I talk to you
about something?
SIGHS Is it about lasagne?
This ain't lasagne.
It's a hate crime.
It's about Megalodon.
Go on.
Can you get us
transferred to this wing?
Not a fucking chance.
I think Mega will be a
real asset to the wing.
Are you high? My
cousin said no.
So it would annoy
Saj if you said yes.
Well, annoying Sajid is normally
an excellent reason to do anything,
but not this time.
Why not?
I'm not here to answer
your stupid questions.
Why don't you talk to someone
who actually wants to listen?
Who's your designated
listener? Mobeen.
Well, then, talk
to Mobeen, then.
The Governor wants him to
do more listening anyway.
No, I can't talk to Mobeen
about things like this.
Just run along,
lasagne boy, all right?
But if you do have any more
ideas about annoying Sajid,
my door's always open.
SIGHS
HE SPEAKS URDU
He is a bastard, that Des.
I haven't heard any hate speech.
Of course you haven't.
They're clever with it.
He's not gonna say
it in front of you.
It's a serious accusation,
Mobeen. I know,
and that is why I've got
proof for you. Watch this.
I'm sure you're not supposed
to have that in here.
Chill out. Barry in D
wing's got a 3D printer.
That's huge. How'd he
fit that up his arse?
Have a listen to this.
RECORDING: They shouldn't even
be allowed in this country.
Little brown fuckers give me
nightmares. Should be locked up.
The dirty, smelly
little bastards.
RECORDING OFF Racist bastard.
I cannot believe it. I
know. It's a disgrace.
Here's what we'll do, OK?
It's the most sensible thing,
cos he's making me feel violent.
We'll move him from this bed,
and then we won't mention
it to Des, because he's old,
he's not gonna change his
ways, and he'll be dead soon,
in sha'Allah. No.
I can't believe how
badly edited it is.
Huh?
Did you seriously believe I was
gonna fall for that, you khota?
Er, no, but
What do you want me to do?
It's the free version of
the software. It's shit.
You are an idiot.
How about I swap you and Des?
Anything for a quiet life.
You're going to move him
from that bed? Mm-hm.
Get rid of Des? Yes!
Thank you, because that's
the right thing to do.
And also I think the real
reason why you've done it
is because you love me.
And that's not a problem.
Just let it happen.
There is nothing wrong
with loving me, so
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Oh, gyar
He bothering you?
Hello, Officer Sajid.
I told you, innit,
just call me Saj.
The offer still stands, by
the way, if you wanna
..come round to my mum's,
chill out, watch a film,
get some kadak chai in
there, the cinnamon shots
Oh
Ai-yi-yi.
I'm really busy.
MUTTERS IN PUNJABI You inviting
girls to your mum's house, yeah?
Do you still share a
bunk bed with your mum?
No. Oh, wow.
For your information, khota
Ooh!
I'm on the top bunk now.
Mash'Allah! Big man!
MOBEEN MUTTERS
Do you know what? I've actually
got a lot of things to do,
Officer Sajid, so
I'm just gonna go.
Yeah, I Look, I told you,
yeah? Just call me Saj.
"Call me Saj."
Fuck off, Mobeen!
Go with God.
Piss off!
MUSIC: I Wish by Skee-Lo
I wish I had a girl who looked
good, I would call her ♪
SNIFFS
Chamomile.
Yes.
Ah, pow!
MATTRESS SQUEAKS
Hello, good sir.
SIGHS
I just want you to know
I'm a designated listener,
so you can talk to me any
time you need to talk.
I'm in a hospital, in prison,
where everybody hates me,
because somebody - you
- called me a nonce.
I didn't technically,
didn't say you were a nonce,
I said you be
looking like a nonce.
Well, when you said I
be looking like a nonce,
everybody thought I was a nonce,
and they be beating me up.
Er
Mobeen? Mm?
There's an Aqsa Deen
here to see you.
HE SPEAKS URDU
MOBEEN GROANS
I'll be back good sir.
MUSIC: No Miming by
D38 & Tim & Barry
You know the ting
Respect for you
or respect cursely
Free the Gs ♪
What happened? Oh, yeah.
Um, I slipped over
in the showers.
You'd have to slip 147 times, but,
sure, yeah, let's go with that.
Sh.
And who's this?
Your psychiatrist?
Why would I need a psychiatrist?
Cos you constantly
seek out chaos
and you're addicted to
highly toxic environments.
Fair enough.
I love her already.
Dr Nida Iqbal, MD.
Aqsa Deen.
So your brother tells
me you're in medicine.
Yeah.
Although I feel like quitting.
Have they asked you
to go skiing yet?
Yes.
Skiing is some bullshit. And when
you tell 'em you don't like it,
you might as well have
a criminal record.
No offence. It's a
bit offensive, but OK.
So I was speaking to Mobeen
about you possibly
shadowing me here for a bit.
I'll do it. It's not easy.
You're almost exclusively
working with men.
A lot of 'em are
abusive, hostile,
thick, really thick.
Really thick. Yeah.
It's hard work, long hours, and the
resources here? Beyond out-of-date.
But if you can handle it here,
you can handle it anywhere.
Can't be any worse
than the A&E I'm in.
Last Friday night, a woman came in
with maggots living in her scalp.
This place is a dutty hole.
I don't want you coming here.
Baska!
I think we should get you
started this week if we can.
Really? Ay-yi-yi.
I promise, I won't let you down.
You'll be great.
And we can smuggle some codeine
and flog it back in ends.
Jokes!
Look, now she's gone Chup!
Come, let's go.
MUSIC: Can't Stop
by Yaseen Rosay
Amigo, I just landed
Expanded, branded
One-handed
Yeah ♪
MAN GROANS
Rough night?
Every night is a rough night.
You kept muttering
in your sleep,
saying, "Nate, stop, that
tickles," over and over again.
Whoa! Baska, baska.
Ooh, ooh. OK, yeah. Ha.
What you got going on
for the rest of the day?
Hopefully, I'll stop vomiting
and get some feeling
in my right leg.
VOMITS
Cross that one off the
list for today, innit?
All right, Moon Walk?
How's it going, Mobes?
Have have you had a haircut?
You cutting his hair, yes?
Cheeky little trim. Cheeky
little trim, is it, yeah?
You, man, would
love it - love it -
if I was in here for
the rest of my days.
You know what I'd prefer,
Moon Boots? What's that?
You get the information we
need about Khan - quickly.
I'm trying to, but
he's a weird guy.
I think he's an incel. You
should investigate that.
Incest? No, not incest.
Maybe that. I dunno.
Incel. What's an incel?
It's basically guys who love the
nyash but can't get the nyash,
so they blame the nyash.
No bunda? Mm.
Do I need to remind you
why you're doing this?
Your sister, your
gunned-down mate
Your promotion. Your pay rise.
Look, if you don't wanna
go through with this,
now would be a real
good time to say.
When did I say that?
Why don't you go
see the chaplain?
He knows everything about
everyone in this place.
Now, that is a good idea.
Pow!
Shzzz! Pow!
Just chemistry. Is that right?
Fuck off, ahojo.
Fuck off, ahojo.
You know what that
means? Say it with me.
Fuck off, ahojo. Get
ahojo out of here, man.
Go from here.
You're so dramatic.
Nathaniel. Nate.
Before you go. Come
back, spin back.
Will you still cut
my hair? Yes. Always.
That's hard, innit?
MUSIC: OT Bop by NSG
My drip is a talent
Saving is boring
So I might go to Harrods
Too many sirens ♪
Thanks for this, Doc.
I'd walk, but my tatay is
still in the Upside Down. Oof.
I don't do this for
everyone, you know.
OK! Anyway, I can
just wait out here.
Really? You'd
stay for me? Yeah.
And I'd prefer it to
Des's haemorrhoids.
GROANS You all right?
Huh? Nah, I'm good, man. Sure?
Yeah. GROANS
Yeah, you good?
Yeah. Ooh. I'm independent too.
Like you. Thank you.
OK. Ooh.
SIGHS How kind I am.
Assalamu Alaikum! Sat sri akaal!
Namaste! Shalom!
O great spiritual one.
Hello, bastard.
What do you and your tits want?
Every day you talk about
my titatita, every day.
Uncle, listen, I need
something from you.
What, a sport bra?
No. Have you, um?
Have you still got
access to every prisoner
and their details
on your laptop?
I need some information.
That's illegal to give to you.
Uncle, you're not in the
country legally, so
Who is he? His nickname
is Memory Stick,
but his real name is Colin
Bigginson Junior III.
White people have
these stupid names.
Shabash! Shall I
join you round there?
No, no, you stay
there. You smell shit.
SNIFFS Oof.
OK, Uncle, what's he into, then?
Enjoy metal detecting, magic,
'90s gangsta rap.
I like to be friend
with this guy.
Uncle, are you sure
that's Colin's details?
Get out, bastard.
Uncle, please let me just
Get out. Go get life.
No, you can't. You're
in a prison. Bastard.
Uncle Get out, or
I will snap your tits.
Snap my tits? That's not nice.
Just get out.
Tits don't even snap.
MUSIC: One Time 4
Your Mind by Nas
CHUCKLES
Whoosh.
Are you ready?
CLICKS TONGUE
It's the It's
the thumb trick.
Get it?
Am I doing? Yeah, look.
SIGHS
No? OK.
David Blaine.
What about him? He was
in that box in London.
I haven't thought about
him in about 15 years.
Harry Houdini.
Died in a box as well, innit?
Just listing magicians at me.
What about Paul
Daniels? He's dead.
What about his auntie who
used to come with him?
Sheila McGee? She was with him.
I know she was with
him! She loved him.
She had nice hair. She had nice
hair. You didn't like her hair?
I did like her hair, but I don't
know why you're talking to me
about Sheila McGee's hair.
What-what-what you
don't like magic for?
I don't like magic, no. I mean,
I wish I could make this moron
that keeps trying to
talk to me disappear,
but, apart from that, nothing.
I got one for ya.
Beep.
Boop-boop-boop. Laser Quest?
And you're at the beach
with a girlfriend, maybe
boyfriend, I don't know, whatever.
Beep. What's that in the ground?
Metal detecting. No.
Why do you keep talking to me
about all this random bollocks?
Shut up!
Shitty khota bastard!
You should have checked the
information first, bastard.
Uncle, I tried, yeah. You told
me, "Stay there. You smell shit."
That's true. HE CHUCKLES
Very funny, shevi, very funny.
Uncle, Uncle, Uncle, there he
is, there he is, there he is.
OK. Colin.
He enjoys studying telescopes,
understanding the metaverse
and the music of Avril Lavigne.
HE SPEAKS URDU Thank you, Uncle.
DEADPAN: He was a skater boy
She said, "See
you later, boy." ♪
See you later, then.
See you later, boy.
MUSIC: Sk8er Boi
by Avril Lavigne
'Scuse me? Where's he gone?
Discharged. Shit!
Good for him.
Shit for me!
MUSIC: Pure Water
by Mustard & Migos
Y'all already know
who I am, right?
Mustard on the beat, ho
Let's go Uh, woo-woo
No Master P
Ten bad bitches
and they after me
One bad bit look
like a masterpiece
Oh Looking for a dunk ♪
Let's go. 82. Yeah.
83.84.
What the hell is
going on in here?!
BOTH CLEAR THEIR THROATS
Er, Harpsie just
suggested a few changes.
Harpsie kauna?
Tu Harpsie? OK
Talk to me, Moonlight,
what you got?
Nothing. What?
No, I mean, I have
made a connection.
You know, like
you would suggest,
you don't go all the way on
a first date. Slowly, slowly.
Oh, I was very much hoping you would
go all the way on a first date.
I was hoping you'd
have full fucking sex.
What now?
In terms of
intelligence-gathering, obviously.
Obviously.
Look, man, I'll see him next
time and it will be pat.
You know how I do,
you know my ting.
Listen, if you spent less
time chatting up bloody Nida,
we'd get it done
quicker, wouldn't we?
We haven't got much time
left, Mob Deep, so when?
I'll tell you when, OK?
When I'm on a wing,
when I'm in a canteen,
when I'm in the fucking
showers, I'll get it done!
I've got blood
pressure Excuses!
I don't want no more
stress! Get it done!
I don't want fucking
stress! You told me
Stop pressuring me!
Hey, hey, oi. Oi-oi-oi.
What's going on in here
..you bunch of shaggers?
Mobeen, I just wanted to come and
say thank you for listening to me
and for going the extra mile.
You see, Chippy came to see me,
and he told me that you
want to do more listening.
Chippy said what, now? And now
that the new inmate is here,
you can talk to him
as much as you want.
Huh? Harper.
You fucking twat.
Can't argue with that.
Talk to who? Who's on the wing?
We're going. Come,
come, come, come.
BOTH GASP
MOBEEN: Jesus, Lord.
Er No-one's that big.
I I can't leave the cell.
I can't leave the cell, man.
What do you mean?
Harper, he's gonna fuck
the lungs out of me.
Yeah, what about Memory Stick?
I prefer to keep my lungs.
And the structural integrity
of his anus. Batty guy.
Fuck!
Disloyal motherfuckers
I'mma banish you all
And celebrate all in your
accents once I get rid of y'all
Sometimes I can't describe the
wicked shit I feel in my heart
Break my silence and
sporadically tear you apart
Strike with a serious
vengeance and before you die
Put you through the worst and
make you take a look in my eye!
This means war!
Take a look inside
You can run and you can hide
If you cross my path
I'll make sure
you'll feel my wrath. ♪