My Family (2000) s04e02 Episode Script

- I need to ask your advice.
- About your clothes? - No.
- Oh.
Never mind.
- No, it's about Abi.
- Why don't you just ask her out? I'm going to.
I'm thinking of taking Abi to modern Latin dance classes.
I don't think Abi dances, dear.
I can hardly believe she walks.
That's the point.
I dance brilliantly.
Salsa, merengue.
Lambada.
The forbidden dance.
See? lt'll give me the chance to impress her and touch her.
And caress the little hairs on the back of her neck.
There are some things I think you should keep to yourself.
I'm so bad at these things.
- (Abi) I'm home.
- Oh, golly.
(Abi) Hi.
Hi.
(Clears throat) - Abi? - Yeah? Nothing.
Abi, Roger's booked two places for dance class.
But the thing is I've got no one to go with me.
Why d'you book two then? Well, I thought, if they've nothing on that night, a young lady of my acquaintance might be available? Well, what are you doing here, then? Get round and ask her.
- Hello.
- (Grunts) - Nice day at school? - Yes.
- Anything special happen? - No.
- No funny jokes or games? - No.
- Just a normal day, then? - Yes.
Are you just going to answer yes or no to everything? Dunno.
I don't need you to answer.
It's something that happened at school.
It can't be your work, which narrows it down to drugs, violence or sex.
- Let's start with the drugs.
- Actually, Mum, it's my school work.
I got a B in my mid-term maths test.
Is that all? I was about to make you pee in a cup.
Don't you understand? I never get Bs.
I always get A.
A*, A-(+) if I've had a heavy night.
Take your mind off it and help me lay the table.
You don't get it.
I'm slipping.
It's all downhill from here.
I'm gonna end up at 18 with a dog begging for change outside a strip club.
Well, at least you'll have a dog.
Here we are.
All right, Mikey? Good.
(# Sings) - Sorry.
Have I missed something? - Michael's got a B.
Good.
Everyone needs a hobby.
Where are you gonna keep him? A little matchbox? If you want any honey, you'll need a few more.
I suppose you can use tiny jars.
- Are you doing this deliberately? - Sorry, what? - Michael's got a B in his Maths test.
- Oh.
Very good, Michael.
No, Dad.
It's very bad.
Well, I was half right.
He's really taking this to heart.
I mean, look at his little face.
- Yup.
I'm looking.
- Will you two leave me alone? Sounds like a father and son moment.
Enjoy.
Well, Mikey, it's not so bad, you know.
When I was at school, I got plenty of Bs.
Exactly.
- The thing is, nobody's perfect.
- Well, it's easy for you to say.
Maybe your expectations are too high.
- What's wrong with aiming high? - Take my advice.
Go into life with low expectations.
Then you're never disappointed.
Dad, you're always disappointed.
Course, it never works.
There you go again.
Ha.
High expectations.
- I've been thinking about what you said.
- Oh, yes.
About it being great to have a hobby.
When did I say that? When you thought Michael had taken up beekeeping.
But one, Michael is not taking up beekeeping, and two, I'm not doing whatever it is you're working towards.
- Evening classes.
- That was quick.
Good night.
I fancy dance lessons.
I fancy Halle Berry but neither of us are going to get what we want.
Roger's taking them, even though he dances like Fred Astaire.
And he dresses like Noel Edmonds.
He's not exactly a role model, is he, Roger? lt'll be something to do when the kids have left home and we're alone.
We are never going to be alone.
You keep inviting people into the house.
First there's Abi, then Roger.
He spends more time here than I do.
- He cheers me up.
- And I don't, I suppose? So, dance classes.
It's good exercise, it's fun, it's creative.
I don't dance.
- It's a natural expression of joy.
- That's why I don't dance.
You don't like dance.
Let's think of something else.
- French.
- Oh, dear Basic Accountancy.
Semaphore.
Cornish For Businessmen.
- What? - It's a boom county.
No.
- I know.
What about wine tasting? - Now you're talking.
Oh, yes.
- My specialist subject.
What wines? - Chardonnay, Sauvignon.
- They do one grape a week.
- Complete the course, you get a bunch.
So funny.
Good night.
- So, shall I sign us up? - Yeah, good idea, yeah.
Complete the course and get a bunch.
(Ben) That's so funny - That must be the teacher.
- You sign us up and I'll get stuck in.
- Good evening.
- Ah.
Good evening.
- Are you here for modern Latin dance? - Shh! Sorry? - Yes, that's right.
Ben and Susan Harper.
- Ah.
Ah, yes.
So, have you ever danced before? Of course.
I nearly auditioned for the Royal Ballet.
Too tall.
- And, er your husband? - Too short.
As I say, I like a nice Cabernet, or even a Shiraz, although I'm not averse to a nice Sauvignon Blanc.
Oh, yeah.
Goes down a treat, mm? (Smacks lips) What about you? We do like a glass of wine with our dinner.
Well, I love the New World wines myself.
I like the New Zealand and the Australian.
Oh-oh-oh Love 'em all.
Ha-ha-ha! Anyway, bring on the booze.
That's what I say.
Hey, hide the car keys.
OK.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to your first class.
Now, normally, I like to start with a little demonstration just for fun.
(Laughs) So I need one volunteer, please.
Yeah, yeah, I'll do that.
Yeah, yeah.
- So, er Ben? - That's right.
OK.
Do you have a favourite style? Er Yeah, yeah.
I like something with a kick but a good finish.
Ah.
Well, you've come to the right place.
- Yeah, don't I know it? - OK.
You stand so, I stand so.
This is a dance class, isn't it? (# Salsa music) One, two, one, two, cha-cha-cha One Stop laughing, please.
I'm losing count.
It's only one and two.
How long did you think you could string me along? Not half as long as I did.
- Will you stop trying to lead? - Well, somebody has to.
- One, two, cha-cha-cha - Ow.
You did that on purpose.
You shouldn't have such big feet.
- What are you doing? - The cha-cha.
- It is caca.
- That's right.
It's her fault.
Look what I have to work with.
It's like dancing with Pinocchio.
Maybe you might be better if you change partners.
- Don't say it.
- We can deal with this next week.
Next week? Really? I'm not coming back, I'm afraid.
Wait, wait.
At the end of the month, we have a dance contest.
- Oh, really? How nice for you.
- No, really.
If you carry on coming to the lessons, perhaps you can enter.
You're a natural.
You have a raw talent.
Thank you.
That's very nice of you.
- Oh, and you, Susan.
- Yes? I'll see you next week.
Look, Ben, I'm sorry.
Sorry.
What? Sorry I made you go to that stupid dance class.
It was a rotten trick.
I apologise.
It wasn't stupid.
I'm really getting into it.
- You're trying to humour me.
- I can't and I wouldn't.
Look, you heard what Maria said.
She said I was a natural with raw talent.
So naive.
- What? - She just fancied you.
Really? Oh.
Well, I'm a natural with raw talent and Maria fancies me.
But don't you worry.
She said she'd see you next week.
Doesn't it bother you that she said we don't work well together? - You say that all the time.
- But now it's gone public.
Hey, come on, come on.
Let's prove 'em wrong.
Come here.
(Kisses cha-cha-cha rhythm) - You realise we're never going back? - Susan, please.
For the first time in my life, I've found something I'm good at, something that makes me happy.
You'll get over it.
It's just a fad, like your beer-making kit.
- It was good, that beer.
- We had to spread it on toast.
Look.
We tried dancing.
It was fun, but I don't think it's for us.
What about the competition? Maria said I was a dead cert to win.
- She said perhaps you should enter.
- Yes, that's what she said.
But you know what Latin Americans are like.
Masters of the understatement.
Try this for an understatement.
No more classes.
Oh, I know what it is.
You can't stand the idea of me being better than you are.
Nonsense.
I'm only thinking of you.
I don't want you to be disappointed when you find out.
- Find out what? - That you're not better.
I am.
- We'll see about that.
- Oh, really? (# Salsa music through headphones) Hi, Mum.
Hi, Dad.
How was your dance class? What's the matter with him? He's engaging with us.
I haven't seen you this happy since you discovered calculus.
I've found the answer to my grades slipping.
I think too much about girls.
It's a simple biochemical problem.
Boys of my age are slaves to their hormones so all I need to do is stop thinking about girls, and bingo, A's all the way.
- Ah.
You think that'll work? - Of course.
It's just a matter of willpower and, er You're not helping.
Well, much as I've enjoyed playing agony uncle, my part-time job as dentist calls.
- Don't let's part on an argument.
- I didn't think we were.
I've been thinking about the dance classes.
I suppose we could carry on.
Really? I mean, who cares who wins or loses? It's just for fun.
You are so right.
It is.
It's just for fun.
- That's right.
- It's fun.
But I'm going to win.
(# Merengue music) (# Tango music) Two three four Oh, damn this music.
It's always half a beat behind.
Hello.
Teaching yourself to dance? No.
Just had a bad prawn.
Oh, that dry wit.
You'll kill me one of these days.
That's the plan.
This is all your fault, you know.
I'm really sorry.
Why? You brought this dance fever into my house.
How come you can dance? - I did a bit in my youth.
- Really? Yes.
Mother used to send me to ballet classes.
- Doesn't surprise me.
- I used to do some Latin dance as well.
- Perhaps I could - Give me a few tips? Borrow that CD.
It's great.
No, no.
I need it for my dance competition.
I've cancelled all my patients this afternoon.
Serious stuff, eh? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I can't let Susan beat me.
Yeah.
She's so damn competitive.
- Well, perhaps I could - Show me a few steps? Have a cup of tea.
I'm parched.
Look, Roger.
I'm I'm asking for your help.
I am trying to make it look as if I'm not, but I am.
I thought I'd never say this, but Rog I need you.
Very well, but, er you have to give me something in return.
What is it? - Cup of tea.
- OK, OK.
Deal.
- But first teach me how to tango, yeah? - The Tango Argentino.
- Yeah.
- Hand, so.
- Yeah.
- Head, so.
- Hey.
- Don't fight it.
And Forward, forward, forward, side, stop.
Forward, forward, forward, forward, stop.
And hook.
I've rescheduled Mrs He, er He said he'd give me a cup of tea.
What's that? A list of foods to cut out of my diet cos they increase libido.
Michael, you're 16.
Breathing increases your libido.
Nonetheless, I plan to chemically castrate myself until after my GCSEs.
Why can't you collect stamps like other boys? First of all, no red foods like tomatoes, beef and red peppers.
They promote a surfeit of yang energy.
Then there are prawns, oysters, asparagus, figs, mangoes, oh, and lobster, rhubarb and swede.
Bang goes my casserole.
- Yoo-hoo.
- Roger.
What a surprise.
What are you doing here? - You phoned me up and told me to - Shh! - You don't have to whisper.
I don't care.
- He's a scamp.
You take after your father.
That I heard.
Roger.
Rog, Rog, Rog, Rog Rog, Rog, Rog There's a little dance competition at the end of the month and I was wondering if you could teach me I mean, who cares about winning a few killer steps.
How funny.
Ben just asked me the same thing.
Oh, I love you two as a couple.
You're so in tune with each other.
That two-faced lizard.
We agreed this was just for fun.
He was having a laugh thinking about beating you.
Did you teach him anything special? Oh, yes.
I taught him the Tango Argentino.
- He's a natural.
- Shut up.
- Sorry, but he's as lithe as an eel.
- Teach the dance to me.
- I couldn't.
- Why not? It's the dance of love.
- You taught it to Ben.
- Yes, but he's a man.
OK.
We've got to do one better.
There is nothing better than the Tango Argentino.
- I know.
You've got to be my partner.
- (Whimpers) - What? - If I'm your partner, you'll definitely win.
- I'll be betraying my mentor.
- Yes, but I'm your gateway to Abi.
Oh, dear.
What to do.
What to do.
Just do it! OK.
(Door shuts) (# Hums tune) - Hello, dear.
- Hello, darling.
You missed the class.
- My feet were too tired.
- Oh, really? From what? A tour.
- A really long tour.
- Mmm The East End, the West End.
Southend.
I walked and walked.
I've had a wonderful day.
Roger didn't turn up again.
Probably taken the caravan to Broadstairs.
My new assistant, unlike the former, walks upright and has opposable thumbs.
And the dance class tonight was so brilliant.
Oh! I dominated.
That's nice, dear.
You're good at that.
- Aren't you worried? - About what? You won't get enough practice.
You've lost your partner.
- I'll find someone else.
- The only one left is Batista Dominguez.
- Oh, he's lovely.
He'll do.
- Batista Dominguez? He's 84.
He's a passionate and considerate dancer.
- He danced in the Spanish Civil War.
- Oh, yeah? Which side? Republican, of course.
After you, I vowed never to dance with another fascist.
Susan, this dance competition is very important.
- I thought it was supposed to be fun.
- Well, it's meant to be fun but it's gonna be no fun thrashing you if you don't even try.
You smell like a dentist's surgery.
You do say the sweetest things.
Hang on.
That's Micron Extra Number 2.
I use Micron Extra Number 4.
Roger hasn't been in Broadstairs, has he? He's been here teaching you to dance.
You mean when he's not at the surgery teaching you? Well, that's beside the point.
Oh, no.
He didn't teach you the Tango Argentino? Last week.
Ha! Susan, how could you? This class was meant to be something we did together.
- Now we're both doing it with Roger.
- Ironic, isn't it? Look, this has got to stop, OK? Neither of us is going to dance with Roger.
That might be difficult.
Roger's going to be my partner in the competition.
Buenas noches, señor.
Are you still up? No, I'm in the other room sleeping like a baby.
Well, I can't sleep either.
- Do you wanna know why? - No.
If time goes forward because the universe is expanding, what's gonna happen in a contracting universe? I mean, if time goes backwards, do we start our lives off being really old and then end up getting sucked back into our mothers? We never gave you a rent book, did we? Abi? Do you dance? - I can type.
- That'll do.
Oh, Roger.
Thank God you're here.
We have to go over the merengue again.
- No, we don't, Susan.
- Yes, yes, we do.
No, Susan.
The time for practice is over.
Just let yourself go.
Roger, I never let anything go.
You can't overthink things.
If you have to think of something, think, "I am a feather".
Feathers don't kick butt.
No.
You are a feather and I am the wind.
Let me sweep you along.
As long as I'm here, everything will be fine.
Oh, my God - OK, where's the food? - Abi, not yet.
We're making an entrance.
All right.
I mean, where's the food? - Oh, my God.
- OK, Roger.
Just just concentrate.
Remember you're my wind.
Ah.
Maria.
Huh? What do you think? Er Very nice, Mr Harper.
I know.
Would you believe it? My son This'll make you laugh.
My son said I look like a Cuban pimp.
No, not Cuban.
- Oh, hello, darling.
- What the hell are you doing? What? Oh, Abi? She wanted to come, so I brought her.
You brought her to lure away my partner.
(Chuckles) What are you gonna do without your ringer? What are you going to do without your ding-a-ling? This is like a a dream come true.
It's just a sausage.
No, no.
The fact that you are here.
- Hello, Susan.
- Hello, Jezebel.
- What do you think you're doing? - I got the courage to ask Abi to dance.
Well, whoop-dee-doo.
What about me? Oh, you're right.
Thank you, Susan.
This is all down to you.
(Mouths) Ah, Mrs Gleeves.
Shall we show them what we've learnt? Oh.
Now you notice me.
We've been dance partners for three weeks.
You don't call, you forget my birthday, and now you show up with that bimbo.
I didn't bring her for me.
It's for him.
- That's why you're dressed like a - Please.
She's not my partner, she's my cousin's daughter.
Oh, I've heard that one before.
Now she's gone and you're skulking back to me.
You're a user, just like my husband.
You're a nutcase, just like my wife.
OK, ladies and gentlemen.
Places, please.
Let's begin with merengue.
(# Merengue music) Come on, Susan.
We'll be disqualified.
- Roger's gonna win anyway.
- Susan, please.
Susan.
Hey.
Come here.
I just wanted to win something for once in my life.
This was my one chance.
- Susan? Darling? - What? We can win this together.
You think? (Both) Nah.
- I knew you'd come crawling back.
- I've had a lot of experience.
- Aren't we supposed to be moving? - I am.
- My wife's quite good, isn't she? - Not good enough.
I can't wait to see the look on her face when we crush her.
- Yeah.
- Tango.
Tango Argentino.
- Ow! Ow! - Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
I'm sorry.
Probably hasn't had his drink yet.
Come on, Ben.
Careful you don't trip over the mat.
Oh, that that is so funny! - Aren't you going to congratulate me? - What? Again? - I just like hearing it.
- Congratulations, for the fifth time.
Thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Oh, thank you.
(Susan) Come on.
One more time.
- I knew that'd be a complete disaster.
- We did win in the novelty section.
Oh, yeah.
The coveted golden hoof.
Ben, it looks like you're the only one who didn't win anything.
Now, if there was a trophy for the best costume I've had it with this.
I've had it, Susan.
I could have won this competition, OK? I am a fantastic dancer.
Tell her, Roger.
Right.
Abi, you've got lovely hair.
Oh, Ben.
We all know you tried.
I did.
I tried.
I really tried to lose it because I knew you'd be insufferable if you lost.
Well, now you're being insufferable now you've won.
I've got nothing to lose, have I? Just watch this, OK? (# Tango music) - Anyone for cake? - Did you make it? - No, it's shop-bought.
- Sounds yummy.
Yeah.
I'll have some then.
Do you think he's finished yet? Anyone seen that beer-making kit?