New Girl s04e02 Episode Script

Hey, look who it is! It's Schmidt.
And This is Barb.
Barb is leaving.
Oh, Barb.
Like the elephant.
That's Babar, you dum-dum.
Barbara.
A little potassium pick-me-up? Since I know sleeping wasn't the main activity of the night.
Thin walls.
Just kidding.
They're very thick.
You're just so loud! - You have a lot of roommates.
- So many of 'em.
That's great.
- Bye, Barb.
- Bye, Barb.
Bye, Schmidt.
That was the third piece of nanny - this week, am I right? - Sure is.
Little shop talk from someone who's also out there trying to crush butt herself.
Um, where are you meeting all these eligible singles, these, uh, elly-sings? - Dice.
- Hmm? It's kind of like Tinder.
Dice and Tinder.
I've been to those bars.
They're downtown, right? Dice is a dating app.
- Dating app.
What? - It's not for you.
Schmidty.
Come on.
I've Internet dated before.
You send an e-mail, you get excited, you wait, you get an e-mail back.
- You are just describing e-mailing.
- Come on.
You're gonna get eaten alive on Dice.
- Do you want to see - Come on, now.
Do you want to see This is Dice.
Come here.
It's all about split-second decisions, okay? You see a picture, you swipe down for yes, - you swipe up for no.
- You're so fast.
Instinct.
That's what it's about.
Which you don't have.
Now, I'm gonna go do a deep-ass mouthwash.
Don't go on Dice, Jess.
I won't.
Okay, now.
New account.
I am Darn tootin' fun.
DTF.
Seeks same.
I'm Dicing.
You know, I'm really enjoying the police academy, but, believe it or not, I am not clicking socially with the other cadets.
- What? Weird.
- Oh, my God.
No.
That's crazy.
- That is super shocking news.
- I can't wrap my head around that.
- That just doesn't add up.
- Everyone's got a nickname but me.
Yo, Swoops! What up, Gunner? Hey, Winston Bishop.
Why don't you just go ask them if you can hang out with them sometime? I mean, what's the worst that could happen? Just invite myself? Now, that's just rude.
Winnie the Bish wasn't raised to be rude.
Now, save my seat.
I got to go make a caca.
I can't believe we're gonna live with a cop.
I mean, can we still do illegal things? Like, I don't know, what if I want to get stoned or something? I've actually never gotten stoned before.
- You've never been stoned? - What? Should I do it before he becomes a cop? - We could do this.
- Really? We're adults.
We can smoke a little weed.
- I think we should do it.
- It's been a while.
I pick up stuff really quick.
You can't just pick up pot and be good at it.
Like everything else in life, it takes practice.
Yeah, if pot were a piano, Nick would be a nine year old Chinese girl.
Daddy's here to take care of you.
I'm gonna guide you through it.
I'll be your spiritual guru.
And Mommy's got nothing to do this afternoon, so I'm gonna bake some damn brownies so we can all freak out.
- Let's do it.
- We're getting stoned? This is like watching a meeting of idiot 12 year olds.
The hell is that? What is that noise? Your cellular technology.
I haven't gotten a non text message in two years.
Jess? Hey, uh So, I Diced and it was great.
Um, but could I get a ride? You sure you don't want to hop on for a second? Do you have a dog, or is this all you? Which would you prefer? Schmidt, will you at least just talk to me, please? He looked nice in his picture.
The frame cut off the bottom of his beard, so how was I to know it was braided into a beardy tail? - Mmm.
- He asked me to the food court near his house.
I thought that was down to earth, and I liked that.
He didn't bring any money, so we had to go back to his apartment.
And also he wanted to show me some of his old baby clothes.
Maybe I'm not ready for Dice.
Will you just help me, please? I want to get back out there.
I have to I need to get back out there.
And I know I'm gullible.
'Cause people tell me that, and I have no reason not to believe them.
Teach me to Dice.
Is that a yes? Schmidt? What's happening? Ah! What the hell? I will teach you Dice.
Welcome and good morning.
- It's weird here in the morning.
- It is very sad.
Now, over the next 1,000 minutes, your notions of dating will be challenged.
- Jess, just listen.
No notes.
- I'm sorry.
You put notebooks and pens on the table, - so I thought - I totally get it.
Look, Jess, you're nervous.
Would you like some water? - Oh, thank you.
- Of course.
- That's really nice of - Never show weakness.
Write that down.
Now, you're on Dice and this hunk shows up.
Hubba hubba, mama in trubba.
Don't ever do that again.
Okay.
So you find this man.
He looks like a Hemsworth, if you will.
He swipes down, you swipe down, you guys set a date.
I show up.
Hey, how you doing? I'm Jack Steele.
Hi, Jack.
- Wrong.
- Is that our Taboo buzzer? - Not important.
Why did I buzz? - Do you think you could just return it to the box when you're done? The reason I buzzed is because I look nothing like this person.
Look at this.
There's a sun-kissed sweetie.
I am a rugged Semitic prince.
- I thought we were role playing.
- Role playing? What about this feels like a game to you? Ooh, I got a Dice match.
Jacob.
He has dreamy eyes.
- Them's joint bank account eyes.
- Okay, if you're saying things like "dreamy eyes" to my face, we have more work to do than the Kings of Leon.
Good band, but it feels like they are stuck in one place musically.
Well, I have a good feeling about this guy.
- Okay.
- I'm gonna ask him out.
Hey.
You're not ready yet.
I'm s I'm sorry about your phone.
I'm sure you have the protection plan.
I do have the Never get the protection plan! The oceans are very wild.
No man or piece of scientific technology has ever been to the bottom of the ocean.
- Titanic did.
- Uh, Titanic sunk down there, but that's not to the bottom.
No, the man who made Titanic did.
I don't know what Manhoo is, but You guys seem a lot higher than me.
Well, it hits everybody at different times, Hoss.
But it's coming for you.
My people! Time to rally, everybody.
We are going to a party.
I took Cece's advice and decided to invite myself to hang out with some of the other guys, and I think y'all should roll with.
Make me look cooler.
I'll totally go to a party on your butt.
What? No.
No.
Now, that is a humorous image.
What? - But, seriously, you have to go.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
Know-know what? We're gonna go.
We're gonna go.
Okay.
We're gonna go.
We're gonna go.
We're gonna go.
- You're gonna go? - Hey, we're gonna go.
We're gonna go.
- We're gonna go.
- Right on, right on.
Well, then we'll go.
Yeah.
You guys are way too messed up to be going.
You're not an expert.
I am.
Nobody knows we're stoned.
If we didn't go, then they would know.
You're saying that be if we don't go to the party, they're gonna think that we're high.
Oh, the guy who's never done weed.
That's not the proper term.
It's "smoked weed.
" You don't "do weed.
" That's a test.
You said it.
Listen to me, first order of business, we eat their food.
- Okay.
- Then you look at the pool.
"Aw, what a great pool.
I wish I wish I could dive for rings.
" Because if you were stoned, you wouldn't dive for rings.
Um, I was just thinking of this impression.
Who am I doing? - Who am I doing? - Al Pacino? Maybe.
So, then, you get home, you eat some pizza Trust me.
I just thought of every single possibility of what could happen at that party, and none of them are bad.
Ooh.
Wow.
This is a big party.
I'm talking wall-to-wall cops.
Man.
Oh, I did not think this through.
It just hit me.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
And that is why No matter how tricked out it is You never get into a van.
- "van.
" - Okay, moving on.
Classic warning signs.
Now, last night, the crazy man said he needed to meet you near his house.
What he was really saying was, "I expect tonight to end in sex.
" Or maybe he doesn't like to be far from his pets.
Never date a man with pets.
The only acceptable pet for a man to have is a saltwater fish.
Okay, what now? Okay, first test.
Now, I'm gonna say something, and you tell me what's really being said.
Oh, you know, I'm just staying in a hotel right now.
"I like to travel.
" Homeless.
Pervert.
Oh, my God, my mom is just the most amazing woman.
Oh.
"I love my mother.
" Virgin.
And somehow also a pervert.
I kind of prefer public transportation.
Oh.
Earth-conscious.
Multiple DUIs.
Pervert.
Okay, time for the next phase.
- Next phase? - Jess? - Hi.
I'm Malcolm.
From Dice? - Oh Oh.
- Hi.
- Hey.
She'll be with you in just a minute.
Okay.
You set me up on a date? I'm wearing my lounge-around underwear.
I set you up on ten dates.
- What? - Ten years of experience in one day.
Expert by midnight.
The Dice Diez.
"Diez" is Spanish for ten.
Are you insane, Schmidt? I'm not ready.
That's like taking a musical from rehearsals straight to Broadway.
You got to workshop it first If you are for one second suggesting that I don't know how to open a musical How dare you? I'm trying to help you out here.
Now, of course you're not ready, Jess.
That's why I set up ten dates.
Now, you can do this.
Come on.
All right.
So - So.
- Date talk.
Okay.
What do you do? Um, well, I don't have a job, currently, right now, in the traditional "nine to five" sense, but, uh, I got a lot cooking.
I "grow" "raisins.
" I'm sorry, Malcolm, um, I'm gonna have to Get out of there.
let you finish that story.
Oh, okay.
I grow two types of raisins.
There's the Leopold raisin, - which is from Austria.
- Mm-hmm.
And then there's the Zwiebel raisin, which is also from Austria.
But I think the main thing that got me through my time in prison was the realization that a "raisin" can be anything.
We got to go! Ma called.
The bees are back.
Ma called.
The bees are back.
Oh, okay.
Um Should I just Should I wait for you? You know that was a bad date, right? I know, but I just felt so trapped.
Just do what I did, make up an excuse and then leave.
Just, just say as little as you need to, okay? Make it your own.
You ready? Yeah.
- You can do this.
- Okay.
You have so much hair.
What? Where did all that hair come from? You're like a lioness.
So, did you know you could put a whole live chicken in your mouth and eat it without plucking it or preparing it at all? Keep it simple.
Uh, let's keep it simple.
You're a nice guy, and that's a neat outfit.
Are you a chef? Are you a beatnik? Are Do you work on - on a submarine? - Shh.
No! No! Oh.
Stand down, - sir! - We found your son.
He's alive.
They found my son; he's alive.
I'm sorry.
It was nice meeting you.
All right, now, remember, y'all are my dogs, okay? So just stay by my side and make me look cool.
If I tell a joke, dogs got to bark.
I want to see those tails wagging out there, okay? Oh, okay, look.
Look, there's Dugan.
There's Dugan.
That's the guy I was telling you about.
Come on.
Over there is better.
All right.
- What? - Whatever the hell that means.
Is there a cop in the house? I feel really calm.
Really relaxed.
- Oh, look, a hummingbird.
- What the hell are you talking about? There's no such thing as a hummingbird.
Birds don't hum.
They sing.
They basically invented singing.
You're so high right now, man.
You're so high, I couldn't possibly even bring you back.
Actually, dude, I feel really good.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, when you walk, you look like an insane person.
Okay? And your voice sounds so stoned and crazy.
Say something.
Hello, Nick.
That took you, like, 20 minutes.
"Hello, Nick.
" And now I'm a model and a bartender.
But I I'm not sure what's next.
I feel a little lost.
I'm not exactly sure what I'm doing with my life.
I'm so sorry.
What was your question again? I didn't ask you anything.
You just walked up and started talking.
So, man, I'm in the locker room, and I see a spider, and I'm like, "I hope this is Charlotte's Web and you're nice.
" You haven't seen Charlotte's Web? Charlotte's Web, the, uh, cartoon.
The tale about the spider who was super chill and super cool.
Then, well, series of events, she ended up dying.
So that was sad.
That was sad, but spoiler alert, if you haven't seen it.
I'm sure you You haven't seen it.
Where are my dogs? I took the liberty of writing down some exit lines, because obviously, you can't come up with any on your own.
Here, take a look at those.
I've got hockey practice? - Sure.
- My boss is trying to contact me about a project that could save the company.
- Mm-hmm.
- Schmidt, these are such obvious rejections.
I don't want to hurt their feelings.
Hurt their feel Do you just walk around all day thinking about other people's feelings? Yeah.
Don't you? No.
How do you get anything done? - It's hard.
- Okay, Jess, how can I put this? You're the prize here.
Okay? You are the last piece of pie, and all of these guys are the fat kids in the cafeteria, and I can say that because I used to be fat as a truck.
You really think I'm the last piece of pie? Damn right you're the last piece of pie.
You're the best girl on Dice, Jess.
And who cares what these guys are feeling? You know, what do you feel? Jess, what do you want? I'm the pie.
You're the pie.
I'm the pie.
- Say it again.
- I'm the pie.
- Say it again.
- I'm the pie.
There you go.
Who are you? Never really thought about that.
Mmm.
I'm not gay, but I would go crazy on Michael Strahan.
A prominent U.
S.
senator is trying to contact me.
You know, I just think Meryl Streep is a dumb bitch.
An important document has gone missing.
I need to find it.
I've been getting into a lot of fist fights lately.
Like, a lot.
More than usual.
But, you know, I'm kind of enjoying them now.
I have an acquaintance who's in jeopardy.
Jess? Nope, not Jess.
Velcro shoes, pervert.
I didn't even see those.
I would love for you to share share what you think I should do with my life.
Am I boring you now? Officer, can I read you your rights? You have the right to remain hugged.
Oh, no, Coach! And you have the right to remain sweet.
Run! Diversion! Run! Run! Now! Now! Uh, du? Whoa.
Hold on! What's with your friends, Winston Bishop? They kicked over the grill, and then they ran that way.
Yeah I know.
Wow.
Last date.
It's a big moment.
Oh, my God, is that who I think it is? I give you Dreamy Eyes Jacob.
Happy Dice birthday, Jess.
You're ready for this.
Now, go get him.
Thank you, sir.
Wait a minute.
Are you from Portland? The Jolly Cow Creamery.
Yeah, I used to work there summers in high school.
- No way.
I'm from Portland, too.
- Are you serious? Yes.
I used to go there all the time in high school.
- Oh, my God.
- That's so funny.
Yeah, I hope you like this place.
I live, like, right across the street, so Oh.
I get it.
You asked me here because -you want me to go home with you.
- Wait.
What? No.
Um, you know what? I got to go.
I have hockey practice.
I'm center wing, so they really need me.
I Wow.
Okay, I just live across the street.
I'm not some weirdo trying to lure you back to my apartment.
I thought we were kind of hitting it off.
Guess you just make a snap decision, and then that's it, so All right, well, have a good practice.
And by the way, there's no center wing in hockey.
The Dice Diez! You did it! This thing is on! How do you open it? Oh, wow.
This isn't even champagne.
Look, it's a super fancy salad dressing.
That is delightful.
We're celebrating Me and you.
Jess, you can have whatever you want on the menu.
They got pizza, gelato, Tikka Masala.
A raw bar.
This place is doing too much.
They can't be doing all this right.
What's wrong with you? I just don't understand how what we did today is gonna help me find love.
Love? Well, why would you want to fall in love? Why else would I go on dates? The point of dating is just to keep on dating, and then never stop.
It's like burning fossil fuels or seeing a therapist.
No.
Schmidt, the whole point of going on dates is to fall in love and have a relationship.
Like, don't you ever worry that you're missing out? I mean, you're plowing through all these girls, and some of 'em might be great, but you'll never know.
Do you want to go through life that way? Yeah.
I don't.
Oh, hey, yeah.
I'll take the, um the rock shrimp meatballs.
What is this place? I think my life is going nowhere.
Oh.
Mmm.
No, Cece.
It's wonderful here.
Do you like to learn? I do.
I see you going back to school.
- I see it, too.
- Yes, yes.
- I don't see it.
- Yes.
She's a bartender.
Why would she get paid for it? She's not very good at it.
- On the floor! - Shut up! Get the dog! - Get down on the ground! - Yeah, and stay down! I'm a student! - Both of you, butts up.
- I'm trying.
I'm trying.
See, I see you guys were high, so I got these guys to come and mess with you.
Let's go, man.
Let's never do drugs again.
That was a lot of fun Toilet.
"Toilet.
" Is that is that my nickname? Yeah, 'cause living with these guys, - you got to put up with a lot of crap.
- Lot of crap.
Let's get a beer.
Thank you very much.
Flush, flush, what's the rush? Toilet's coming! You guys want to go back in? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Thanks for coming back.
- Sure.
Look, I'm I'm really sorry.
Um, I was I don't know where to begin.
Uh, my roommate taught me all of these phony excuses to get out of dates.
Well, anyway, that is not me.
- Okay.
- So will you give me another chance to get to know you? Yeah.
Let's go back in and get a drink.
Yes.
Great.
Hey, uh, you know, we can just make that last date disappear.
Like this coin.
Oh.
You're a magician.
No.
Ugh.
No.
I'm a comedy magician.
Even better.
And, like a lot of people in comedy, I have a little problem with, uh Nose candy.
Uh-oh.
Can't have this.
It's my last one.
No I'm kidding.
Take it.
- I don't want it.
- Please take it.
No, you take it.
Okay.
Let's go in.
Schmidt? I totally didn't think I'd ever hear from you again.
Well, you know, I just figured, why not see if there's something here? You know, let's hang out, get to know each other.
There's a coffee place down the street.
Maybe we could go Grab a cup of joe.
I don't think you understand Dice.
Okay.
Jessica! I'm late to officiate a giant's wedding, and these are stuck.
Now the rings are free, but the groom is imprisoned forever.
- I know how he feels.
- You know what they say.
You got to crack a few eggs to, uh make an Amish.
It's an egg.
It's an Amish person.
My uncle is on fire.
So, you've seen a rabbit pulled out of a hat, but have you ever seen a hat pulled out of a rabbit? No, no! Oh, my Okay, this date is over.