NewsRadio (1995) s04e02 Episode Script

Excuse me.
I think that you spilled some paint over here.
- No, we didn't.
- Oh, well, then who did? Take a guess.
I just wish I'd been here to see that.
Matthew? Hi, guys.
Look, I am a mess, so do not touch me.
According to this, this station is losing twice as much money as we're bringin' in.
Well, I don't know who your accountants are, sir, but this should read six percent, and 15,654 times which means that we're losing-- Well, I guess, three times as much money as we're bringing in.
Thanks a lot, Lisa.
Let me put it this way, folks.
I tried to unload this station yesterday and no one would buy it.
Rupert Murdoch laughed at me so hard my speakerphone almost burst into flames.
Jimmy, how dare you try and sell this station without warning us? Warning you? Warning-- I've been warning you people for three years.
What the hell you think I've been tellin' you over and over and over again? You have got to start makin' money.
Well, I don't know about anybody else here, but I am makin' money-- more so now than ever before, thanks to that raise I got last month.
Mr.
James brings us a message here this morning, a message that I think we all hear loud and clear.
- Am I right? - I'm sorry.
I'm still hung up on Matthew getting a raise.
Look, that was a clerical error and it's neither here nor there, all right? If there was ever a time for us to pull together as a team, now is that time.
Thanks.
Thanks, Dave.
In fact, I think-- Thanks for the pep talk, but you're not back in Wisconsin at your 4-H Club.
I know, sir, but I-- And if we were, we'd be lookin' at a lot of dead baby cows and a bushelful of the world's smallest tomatoes.
Well, sir, call me naive-- You're naive.
but I think that-- That we should start firing people? No.
Well, that's what I'm sayin'.
Huh? Now it's just a matter of figuring out who.
I'm sorry, I'm still not clear on this.
Are you telling me that due to some screwed up paperwork, Spaz actually got a raise? Sir, can't we sit down and just come up with a solid plan? No.
No, no more plans.
Plan "A" was a bust.
Ladies and gentlemen, I would like you to meet Plan "B.
" Hi, everybody.
[ Giggles .]
"Planbee," what an unusual name.
Is that Chinese? You must be Matthew.
Call me Andrea.
Oh, well, it's a pleasure to meet you, Andrea Planbee.
Okay, now I'm sure you're all wondering why I'm here.
[ Bill .]
I think it's obvious, and I'm just glad someone finally realized the good a professional masseuse can do for us all.
Um, No.
Actually, I'm not a masseuse, but I am here to smooth out some of the rough edges so we can all be happy employees at just the best radio station around.
No.
Wait a minute.
I thought you were here to hack off all the fat, chop up the deadwood before this station goes into the toilet.
Do I look like the kind of person who would do that? No, you don't.
So when do the back rubs start? You're an efficiency expert, right? Yes.
That is exactly what I am.
Mm-hmm.
Good guess, you.
You must be Dave.
Uh, yeah.
Hi.
Excuse me.
Exactly what do you mean by "smooth out the rough edges"? Oh, you must be Catherine or Beth or Lisa.
Okay, does anybody have any other questions? Yeah.
How many people are gettin' canned, and who are they? [ Laughs .]
You have got to be Joe.
Any more questions? Plan "B" isn't a plan at all-- It's a witch hunt.
Now, that is-- that is just silly.
Well, if you're lookin' for a witch, Beth's your woman.
Look how she dresses.
Case closed.
You may go.
And, yes, I must be Bill.
Mr.
James, can I speak to you in my office, please? Why? So you can tell me it's a bad idea, that you'd rather handle it yourself, that you hate this woman who has the power to fire you even though you don't even know her? [ Laughs .]
No.
No.
Hey.
Hey.
Good.
Good.
Because I'm not in the mood for it.
I don't know if I'm crazy about this plan, either, but whatever this woman says goes.
Um, sir, uh, where are you going? Dave, please.
You don't drop a piranha in the kiddie pool then stick around to watch bubbles.
You have to admit, things have gotten pretty darn inefficient around here lately.
What on earth does that mean? Well, for instance, when was the last time we all hung out as a group after work? Dude, see if you can follow me here.
Being inefficient and you bein' lonely, they're not the same thing.
Okay, but it was, like, months ago.
My only goal in being here, really, is to get this place fine-tuned and back on the road to success.
That's my goal too.
Oh, good.
Excellent.
[ Giggles .]
Great.
Oh, this is gonna be fun.
I can virtually feel it.
- Oh, great, 'cause I got a fun feeling too.
- Uh! Well, join the club.
So, who should we fire first? And I for one think that we could all benefit from a little conductive criticism, so I say let's just get out there and let's show Plan Andrea what we're made of.
Come on! Let's do it, people! Okay, I have never said this before, but I think Matthew has a point.
Lisa, Matthew's the one who's gonna get fired.
- [ Beth .]
Joe's right.
- Hello? Oh, come on.
I think that you guys are jumping to conclusions here.
Hey, guys, if you run out the door like I just did, be careful of the wall 'cause there's, like, wet paint.
Trust me, it does not taste as good as it looks.
I've gotta tell you, Bill, I'm so glad you finally decided to give TV news a shot.
What made you change your mind? Well, radio's fine and all, but it's strictly minor league ball.
I'm startin' to feel like Jackie Rubinson playing for the Sacramento Bumwads.
I hear that.
Uh, so, this is where we'll be doin' your test.
I assume you've worked with a teleprompter before.
Yeah, I've got one at home.
Well, why don't we get you into makeup and how 'bout I show you the way? No need.
I know my way around a television studio, friend.
Terrific.
Who's the man who once fell asleep at his desk for 36 straight hours? - Matthew.
- Who missed three days of work because he thought one of his cats was on the verge of learning to speak? That would be Matthew.
Who once tried to check himself into a rehab clinic because he thought he was addicted to computer solitaire? Well, that was my fault because I suggested it to him, and he didn't know I was joking.
Who once ate so much sugar he got on the air and screamed, "I'm alive" before he passed out and slammed his head off the mixing board? I think we need to come up with a plan.
So I figure the more productive and efficient we become, the more time we're gonna have to play computer solitaire.
- Is that right? - Uh, sort of.
Okay, well, when do we start, 'cause I am raring to go! Oh, great.
Actually, today I'm just gonna be observing, so-- Oh, well, observe away.
Okay.
Hey, wait.
You know, I wanna ask you something seriously.
What do you find more efficient, brushing your teeth in your day clothes or in your pajamas? I don't understand the question.
I think p.
j.
's, 'cause if you get toothpaste on your day clothes, you're screwed.
True story.
Great.
Um, so, don't let me distract you 'cause I'm sure you just have tons of work to do.
Not really.
What are you workin' on there? Oh, just-- Oh, well.
Look.
You got somethin' on your sleeve.
Oh, poo.
Paint.
Oh.
Messy stuff, that paint.
Yeah.
This is, like, the second shirt I've ruined today.
I'll wipe that for you, please.
Oh, no.
Your shirt's just makin' it-- [ Gags .]
worse.
You know what? My pants are clean.
Okay.
Matthew! Matthew! I need your help, okay? Lisa wants you to help her with some reports.
I thought I wasn't allowed near her desk.
Oh, Matthew, you make me laugh so much.
I swear, it increases my productivity by at least 50%.
Matthew.
What? What? What's goin' on? You're half naked.
An optimist would say I'm half dressed.
Okay, I cannot go into it now, but it is very important that you do not strip nude in front of the efficiency expert, okay? As a matter of fact, you should be on your best behavior today, all right? You got it.
Okay.
Do you have a blouse I could borrow? [ Indistinct .]
Hi.
Mind if I observe? Hi.
No.
Uh, hey, Matthew, could you give that story the standard Matthew Brock once-over and then shoot it on over to Dave? Probably not.
I mean, I could give it a try, but good luck.
[ Laughs .]
Oh, you have computer solitaire on this one, don't you? Thanks a bunch.
Hey, maybe we should let him work his magic, huh? Does Matthew often edit your work? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, all the time.
Actually, nothing goes on here without his go-ahead.
Really? Yeah.
Now, isn't that usually the news director's job? Oh, yeah.
Well, Dave helps, you know, but when you have an incredible resource like Matthew, you know, you'd just be insane not to use it.
Well, I-I guess I see your point.
Yeah.
Uh, anyway, um-- Do you know-- Do you know that I have always thought that efficiency was a really interesting field of inquiry? [ Sneezes .]
[ Spraying .]
Wow.
That was some sneeze.
Allergies.
What are you allergic to? Workplace inefficiencies.
Oh.
Wow, that Matthew works fast.
Yes, his alacrity is matched only by his thoroughness.
You know, that is a very articulate way of putting it.
Thank you.
I-I think a little bit of Matthew's inexorable learnedness has rubbed off on all of us.
Excuse me, Andrea.
I was wondering if you could show me how to use the elevator more efficiently.
Oh.
Oh, gee.
You just press the button.
Oh! Oh, well, this I gotta see! Oh! Uh, what's going on out here? I think we just saved Matthew's job.
Leave that to me, all right? I've got a plan.
I've got a plan too.
Hot computer, comin' through! Joe, I just wanna play solitaire.
So we're talkin', when we realize Catherine and Beth are eavesdropping on us, so Joe rigs up a pipe bomb of some sort and sets it off right next to them.
Knocked 'em flat on their asses.
[ Chuckles .]
We laughed and laughed.
Sounds like those girls have a good sense of humor.
Well, not them.
Joe and I laughed.
I think you'd be makin' a big mistake if you left 'em.
How's that? A wise man once said that a job is only as good as the people you work with.
Then I must have the best job in the world.
Then again, another wise man said if you can get more money, screw your friends.
That guy doesn't sound so wise to me.
Yeah, my father was very misunderstood.
You're very lucky to have found a place where you fit in.
Sounds like those people really love you.
Of course they do, but other people will love me as well, right? Just do the makeup.
Tommy? Hey! Hey, Tommy.
My name's Carl.
Of course it is.
I was just kiddin' ya, Carl.
Join us for lunch.
Come on.
Come on! Come on, Carl.
Hey, when was the last time, you know, we all got together and sat down and had lunch, huh? Never.
In fact, I've been waiting three years for this.
Well, today's the big day.
Oh.
Everybody, you know Carl.
He's gonna join us for lunch today.
[ All .]
Hey, Carl.
Hey.
Hey.
Ah, where were we? Oh, right.
Who to fire? Who to fire? Oh, boy, I hate that word "fire.
" I know, but these are desperate times and they call for difficult decisions to be made.
So, shall we? Well, there they are.
A great group, for the most part.
So where's Bill? You're not thinking of firing Bill, are you? I mean, he's the voice of WNYX.
Just asking.
Uh-huh.
All right.
Well, there's Catherine, a consummate broadcaster and a joy to work with.
And, of course, Lisa.
Indispensable.
I mean, she could be the news director herself.
Joe-- Well, without Joe everything would just break down around here, and besides, he's in a union, so don't even think it.
Beth, the glue that holds it all together.
Matthew, I guess, is off doing what Matthew does best-- excellent work.
Then there's Carl.
Carl, Carl, Carl.
Carl.
Yeah, Carl.
Great guy, but not the best engineer in the world.
Oh, gee, it says here he's an accountant.
An accountant who seems to prefer pretending to be an engineer to minding the books.
Okay, okay.
Let's go back.
Um, what do you think of Matthew? Matthew? He's absolutely essential.
Genius level I.
Q.
and instincts like I've never seen before.
Of course, he has a problem with Carl, and I, for one, can't blame him for not liking Carl.
Hmm.
So, now, Matthew and Lisa basically do the same job.
Yeah, yeah.
You know, Carl actually tried out for Matthew's job, but he couldn't handle it.
Strike three for Carl, I guess.
So it seems like Matthew could do all the reporting himself.
Oh, I'm sure he probably could, yeah.
Oh, great.
Then we're agreed.
Uh-huh.
Lisa has to go.
No, fire Matthew-- I mean, Carl.
Fire Carl.
In Albany today, State Assemblyman Bruce Sparks inched closer to achieving a bipartisan consensus.
[ Man #1 .]
This is the weirdest thing I've ever seen.
[ Man #2 .]
Lighting guys do anything different? No, no.
It's the same setup we always use.
- Did you do something different with his makeup? - No.
I think he's just one of those people who doesn't photograph well.
Yeah, but I've never seen it this bad before.
- I mean, the poor guy.
- He has a good radio job with a group of people he really loves, even though he won't admit that he really loves them.
- Thank you, Marion.
- I'm just saying that he should stay at that radio station with all those good people, because he just does not look good on television.
Say, Bill, could you come over here, please? Sure thing.
[ Clears Throat .]
So, what are we thinking? Guys, you should all feel really proud, 'cause it was just a super effort, but I've seen this in every office.
There's always one guy people are tryin' to cover up for.
But Matthew isn't like the hundreds of other completely incompetent guys out there.
He's very special.
Yeah, just give it some time.
I guarantee the little freak'll grow on you.
You guys are just such a super team, you know, and I think the best thing for this team is to get Matthew off the field before he gets trampled.
Look, is-- is it really worth it? I mean, is it really worth ruining the life of an innocent guy just to save a few dollars? I know that sort of thing happens in New York all the time, but where I come from-- Well, where's that, Dave? Well, it doesn't really matter.
No, no, really.
I'm just naturally curious.
I'd like to-- Wisconsin.
Oh! Neat-o.
Way to go, Dave.
Hey, gang.
[ All .]
Hey.
Dave? Huh? Yeah.
I organized those doughnuts by color, like you asked.
Oh, did I say, "By color"? I meant to say, "By size.
" Oh, shoot.
Can I do that after the meeting? Yeah, I'm sorry.
I just don't know if that would be the most efficient thing.
Got ya.
Over and out.
Bill, where have you been? Turning down yet another TV job offer.
I tell them I'm not interested, but they just don't listen.
Do I look funny to you? Listen, you guys, once this is all over you'll realize this is the best thing-- both for the station and for Matthew.
- Wait a minute.
Where are you going? - To tell him.
No.
No, no, no, no.
Let me.
- As much as I'm against this, it's my job.
- Both of you sit down.
I'll tell him.
Bill, this isn't a joke.
This is for real.
I know that, but let's face it.
Matthew worships the ground I walk on.
Never really understood why, but then again, I don't particularly care.
- Anybody disagree? - Bill, are you gonna send him out to the cold, cruel world with a "kick me" sign taped to his back? [ Chuckles .]
Uh, no.
Now would probably not be the right time for that.
Matthew, buddy, we need to talk.
What is it? This isn't gonna be easy to hear, but I think it's best that I just give it to you straight up, man-to-man.
Oh.
Andrea feels you're just not working out.
Well, she's wrong.
I do five sit-ups and three push-ups every day.
No, I mean here in the office.
Come on.
Why would I wanna exercise in the office? Look, you've been fired.
Are you tryin' to say that I've been fired? Yes.
Wait a minute.
What are you trying to say? You don't work here anymore.
You're fired.
Oh.
Are you saying that I-- Yes, I am.
Wow.
I'm really sorry, pal.
Well, do you even know why? Well, it's that efficiency woman's idea.
Everyone fought her tooth and nail, but there was nothing we could do.
Well, we're gonna still see each other, right, Bill? Nothing's impossible.
Okay, that's good to hear.
You know what? I'm just glad I heard it from you.
Happy trails, Spaz.
[ Sighs .]
How'd he take it? Oh, I don't think we've seen the last of him, unfortunately.
[ Chuckling, Sobbing .]
Oh, I wish you guys wouldn't make such a big deal about this.
I'm gonna be fine.
Good-bye, big guy.
All right, man.
For what it's worth, dude, I really think it sucks you lost your job.
Beth, what can I say? Bye, Matthew.
One of the things I'm always gonna treasure about working here is the way you were such a good friend-- Thank you.
to Bill.
So keep in touch.
Okay, I'm gonna call you tomorrow, I promise.
No, keep in touch with Bill.
I'll do my best.
[ Elevator Bell Rings .]
Hey, gang-- Oh.
Hey.
Uh, Matthew-- Gee, what can I say? I'm-- I'm sorry, buddy.
Don't worry about it.
I mean, I'm guessing you were probably fired from a few jobs yourself, and look where you ended up, right? No, actually I've never been-- had much luck, really, holdin' down any kind of a job till I stumbled onto this multi-billionaire gig.
Yeah, and, Matthew, please don't take this the wrong way, but Bill made me promise to give you this.
[ Scoffs .]
Well, you know what to do with it.
[ Quavering .]
Thanks, Dave.
Oh, Matthew, I think you got some paint on your hands.
No, I was very careful this time.
Good-bye, everybody! See ya, little guy.
Bye.
Bye.