One Foot in the Grave (1990) s04e02 Episode Script

# They say I might as well face the truth # That I am just too long in the tooth # So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed # But I have not yet quite gone to seed # I may be over the hill now that I have retired # Fading away but I've not yet expired # Clapped out, run down, too old to save # One foot in the grave # Will you just leave that for tonight? Here we go, look Three, two, one (SCRAPING) Look at that Look at that! All the models on the market, we have to end up with a waste disposal unit that can't keep its food down Would you mind changing the subject please? Yes, well, I told you we shouldn't have gone for that Indian tonight, didn't I? Didn't I say? It wasn't the Indian Are you coming up now or what? This is enough to turn anyone's stomach Do you know, I think Bloody restaurant It was bad enough the last time we went there when that key broke inside the lock to the gents' Spent the entire night sat in the toilet while they passed poppadums under the door But tonight is a real corker, I have to give them that Watching a naked woman dangling her breasts in the basmati rice I mean, that's one of their best I think that's a slight exaggeration, don't you? All you need, isn't it? A strip-o-gram singing Happy Birthday to a group of lager louts at the next table What did she look like with that stupid blonde wig on? I think she was meant to be Marilyn Monroe Oh, is that what it was? I wondered why Harpo Marx was wearing a bra Look, why don't you lie down and I'll give you another massage She had a stomach on her like Fred Emney You notice they never say anything in that place, either Just let the customers get away with murder Oh I I don't feel very good at all, Victor Victor (TOILET FLUSHING) Too scared to say anything, that's the trouble Like when that yobbo with the earring stuck my cap in his mouth shouting, ''Here, Dave, this chapatti's a bit tough'' Teeth-marks in the lining now for evermore If you're not feeling any better by Saturday, perhaps you'd better give Roger's party a miss Margaret? Margaret, are you Margaret Not a lot better yet, I'm afraid, Roger Oh, I know, and she was really looking forward to coming as well Doctor says it's nervous exhaustion mainly It's been building up over the last 35 years I don't know what he meant by that Yeah, of course, and the death of her mother and everything Sorry? No, we didn't keep very much in the end Just her answering machine and some jewellery Oh, and her video Yeah, so we don't have to keep hiring this other thing anymore Man was supposed to come and collect it at 9:00, he still hasn't arrived Yes, I will, Roger, and happy birthday Yup I'll see you about 8:00 Bye Bloody video man still hasn't arrived Just spoke to Roger Apparently it's going to be rather a swish do over there tonight Just as well I got that suit cleaned Now, what else? Oh, yes, I'm just going to unplug the phone so you're not interrupted Thank you That's the most important thing, that you get plenty of peace and quiet with no unwanted interruptions Nothing that's going to get you worked up or agitated again You're sure there's not too much noise coming through this window for you? No, no, no, it's fine Because there's nothing worse than that Trying to get off to sleep with some mindless racket going on outside People jabbering away and God knows what That could drive you absolutely potty -I know for myself -Will you shut the f front door quietly when you go out, please? Thank you Yes, of course (KNOCKING) Oh, that'll be Mrs Warboys with the dry-cleaning How did it go? Did you manage to get them both? MRS WARBOYS: Fine thanks, yes Took a bit of a while to find Margaret's Shame she won't be needing it now I don't think they're all that well-organised in that place, if you ask me I've known one or two people say over the years What's this? Oh, yes, she said they got almost all the beetroot out if you didn't look too closely Myself, I can hardly see a thing This! (SPLUTTERING) This isn't my suit Isn't it? Of course it Where in the name of sanity did it come from? Oh, don't tell me they mixed up the tickets again Mixed up the You must have seen it was a mistake when you got it out Well, I don't know what your suit looks like, do I? Well, it doesn't bloody well look like this! I mean, where do you think I shop? King Kong at C&A's? MRS WARBOYS: Actually, I thought it was for a fancy dress or something Fancy dress? I mean, it's not even my size! And there's no permanent crease in the trousers, look at that Something else I've got to do now, is take that back As if I didn't have enough to (DOORBELL RINGING) Morning, Mr Meldrew Are you well? Oh! I expect you think I've gone completely off my head No, only, it's the third round of the Jeyes Fluid Cup on Friday and we've drawn the Gribley Street Exhaust Centre So they'll be pretty stiff opposition, I expect I've got to keep my hand in or my arm gets rusty Does it? Yes Well, I can't stop I've got to take a gorilla costume back to the cleaners A gorilla costume? My goodness Yes, can you believe it? I put my best suit in ready for a party tonight and I get that And they call themselves a bloody dry-cleaning service They close early on a Saturday, too I'll probably end up without a suit to wear at all Oh, well, if you get stuck, Mr Meldrew, I've always got one you can borrow -Be just about your size, too -Really? Well, no, I don't think that'll be I'll pop it round later You can always see what you think Oh, right then, just as a backup Thanks very much You're very welcome Mother, will you please sit back in that chair or I'll have your hairnet off again Thank you and just as I was deciding which colour would go best with his artificial eye, you know, I thought, ''That girl there looks familiar'' And guess who it was Little Andrea Temple who used to live at the back of you in Wingate Crescent -No! -Quite grown up now, and got the loveliest little baby boy Said, if she could, she'd bring him round tomorrow afternoon to show you Oh! Well, I mean, you were like a second mother to her in those days, weren't you? The way her parents always left her to fend for herself, poor little mite God, that monster of a father -Do you remember? -Well, he was never off the turps I know And she was sleeping with a mortuary attendant They got through a dozen coffins in one week by all accounts -No wonder she was round-shouldered -Exactly (TRUCK ENGINE RUMBLING) At bloody last About time, too, after five hours of waiting -That the man come to take your video back? -Yes -I'm off into town now I'll see you later Bye -Right Bye So how is she? Does she still have those lovely little dimples in her cheeks? Begging your pardon, sir You wouldn't have 50p to spare for a cup of tea at all? Here And next time you can try turning up a bit earlier Oh, I will, sir You're a credit to society What can I say? Many thanks indeed to you, sir Thank you (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO) (DOOR SLAMMING) VICTOR: One minute One bloody minute! The whole lot of them should be shot at birth! I'm back! So I'd gathered I just missed the dry-cleaners by one minute Bloody girl just stood behind the closed sign pointing at me and laughing Bloody thing! Bang goes my outfit for tonight now Mr Swainey called round while you were out Did he mention anything about that suit he was talking about? He said he's left it on the settee for you in the front room Oh, right I don't believe it I do not believe it How in the name of He said it's quite new He's hardly ever worn it Oh, and he said you ought to ask that shop for a refund for not cleaning the other one properly Not cleaning it (GROANING) Why don't people ever listen? Are you nearly ready down there? It's 7:1 5 They'll just have to do as they are Right, I think that's everything -Right, I'm off now Bye -Yes Have a good time (DOOR SLAMMING) Oh, you still awake? Sorry I'm a bit later than I said Very strange smell downstairs when I came in Wonder what that could be I wonder How did that get Well, let's see I could always get a job as a strip-o-gram Put that on, I wouldn't have to take anything off, would I? Looks like the shape of an iron ''Why don't you take it easy for a couple of weeks? Let me look after you for a change'' Take it easy! I'd get more peace of mind being nursed by the evil dead! How's it looking? Have it sorted for you in a few ticks, Mr Meldrew I think I've located the problem now Yes, well mind your nose in that shredder or I'll be up all night scraping it off the ceiling He's a sweet little thing, aren't you? A sweet little thing He's definitely got your eyes, Andrea Has he? No, we're all right It's just a pair of pearl earrings Come on, Donovan, give those back to Auntie Margaret They were my mother's I was just having a sort through About the only thing of any value she left, and I don't suppose I'll ever wear them I think it's about time you were going back into your box, too, isn't it, before that nasty old bogeyman comes and finds you rolling about on his bed MARGARET: And he's just like you, bald and grizzles a lot You say that your parents are separated now, then, Andrea? -Are they quite close still or -Fairly close Holloway and Pentonville I don't get to see them, not with this one to worry about and the bookshop to run You bought me my first book, Margaret Monica Dickens I've never forgotten that Taught me the alphabet, as well You remember? Long before I started school Sometimes I wonder where I'd be today if it wasn't (DONOVAN FUSSING) Oh, come on We don't want you wetting the bed at the wrong end Some of us aren't very well in this room I'll just pop you downstairs for a sec Right, there -Then I'll be off -Right Here we are, look We're going to leave you with Uncle Victor now So that'll be nice, won't it? (DONOVAN CRYING) Back in a sec, just going to say goodbye Right (VICTOR SHUSHING) (DONOVAN QUIETING) (DONOVAN CRYING) (DONOVAN QUIETING) God save us (DONOVAN CRYING) (DONOVAN QUIETING) (DONOVAN CRYING) I think we might be in business now, Mr Meldrew You got anything we can try down it? Hang on -MRS WARBOYS: Bye, Margaret -Bye See you tomorrow -Say when -Go -ANDREA: Bye -Oh, well done Seems to have made a difference, doesn't it? It was just a matter of Oh, God, no! What's the matter now, then? I think my back's gone I'm afraid it does this from time to time Damn thing Ten to one it's that archery practice set it off Oh, God! -I don't think I can't get up off the floor -What? Can't get off the floor? Well, let me give you a hand No, no, no, please, please It's no use I can't Oh, my God, what's happened? Is he dead? Unfortunately not If he was, we could move him His back's gone I'llI'll call an ambulance Oh, that'll be no use They can't do a thing for backs, hospitals I'll ring for an osteopath There's one my brother uses It's going to be all right A couple of sharp snaps and she'll soon have you walking again Only don't try and move anything You haven't seen those earrings about, have you? What earrings? You feeling a bit better now, are you, evidently? Yes Seem to be Funny, really It's since Andrea came Oh, it's such a tonic, seeing how she's grown up and matured and everything, from what she was in those days to what she is now It so easily could have gone the other way Oh, and that little kiddie of hers Couldn't you just eat him? Not on top of the kippers, no He was very taken with that garden gnome of ours It's the only thing I could use to get him to stop crying What? I put them on the tray inside some cotton wool You brought the thing down What did you do with them? Sorry? They're not in the pedal-bin I mean, what did you do with all the leftovers that were lying about on the Oh, God, no, Victor What? Not the waste-disposal Sorry? You didn't Not my mother's pearl earrings Um, I don't remember (SPLUTTERING) That's it Tomorrow morning, I'm going back to work I'm going back to work for a bloody rest! (DOOR SLAMS) Well, we all make mistakes from time to time Oh, yes! I certainly made one (GROANING) Sorry, did I wake you? It's all right, Mr Meldrew I'm afraid I'm a bit of a light sleeper I'm sorry the osteopath couldn't get here till the morning, but she did say she'd try and get round first thing I hope so, Mr Meldrew VICTOR: Yes I hope so, too (DOORBELL RINGING) Ah! Oh, thank God WOMAN: Good morning I'm sorry to disturb you so early, but I understand you've VICTOR: Yes, that's fine Come on in Just through there It's all yours I'll leave you to it if you don't mind WOMAN: Are you sure? Thanks ever so much (EXCLAIMING) Umis it this one on the floor? VICTOR: Sorry? Is it the one on the floor? Of course the one on the floor! Who else is bloody well down there? Right, I'm off to the cleaner's now I'll just get the bus because it stops right outside the door You were right He's giving them away to anyone who asks He just pointed me towards it and he goes, ''It's all yours'' What did I tell you? He's barmy as the Pope's Catholic Come on, quick, before he changes his mind The car keys are just in the hall here if you want to take it (CAR STARTING) Victor! (DOOR SLAMMING) VICTOR: God Almighty Now, before you say anything, don't say anything I managed to get them both back eventually after a very long and unpleasant argument down at The Rat-Catcher's Rest Six bloody pints of Guinness apiece it cost me before they eventually saw reason So don't start up, all right, because I am not in the mood Thank you What was that for? I've just read it in the paper Read what in the Oh, I forgot that came today Sorry I thought perhaps you might never find out about it What does that say in there, then? Says, ''The police are still looking for the emotionally disturbed girl ''who escaped from a remand home last Wednesday'' That they think she's probably the same one who abducted a little baby boy from his parents' garden two days ago I rang that incident room number up yesterday afternoon, told them she'd been here Sorry, Margaret, I know how much she meant to you Yes Well It's not really her fault That's what happens when you don't get a decent start in life She took the pearl earrings as well, didn't she? And you would never have said a thing Well, I've taken the blame for every other disaster this week I didn't think one more would make any difference (DOORBELL RINGING) Hello It's Mr Meldrew, is it? Look, if someone's told you I'm giving away free video recorders, you're wasting your time Sorry, I'm Mrs Ashcroft It was our baby that was stolen the other day, and I gather it's thanks to your information the police managed to pick up that girl, just round the corner from here And we just wanted to pop by and say Well, words can't express it, can they? Now that we've got him back, it's just Thank you very, very much from me and my husband # They say I might as well face the truth # That I am just too long in the tooth # I've started to deteriorate #And now I've passed my own sell-by date # Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true # I have to pop my teeth in to chew #And my old knees have started to knock # I've just got too many miles on the clock # So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways # It's true that my body has seen better days # But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave #