Only Murders in the Building (2021) s04e02 Episode Script
Gates of Heaven
1
[MABEL MORA] So what's
next, podcast-wise?
- [GUNSHOT, GLASS SHATTERS]
- [BODY THUDS]
[OLIVER PUTNAM] What we need
is a hot, fresh, dead body,
preferably right here
or very near to here.
I got another email from that Bev Melon.
They wanna make a movie of our podcast.
- Paramount?
- They wanna fly us all out to LA
- for some meeting next week.
- [APPLAUSE, CHEERING]
Let's talk movies!
[CHARLES-HADEN SAVAGE] I
invited Sazz to the party,
but she's back to not responding and
she usually gets right back to me.
She had something "sensitive"
to discuss with me.
She's had so many
joints replaced by metal.
Apparently, the best
ones come from Bulgaria.
What's all this?
[LESTER] [ON PHONE] You need
your kitchen window replaced.
Something left a little hole.
[CHARLES] Like a bullet hole?
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[SAZZ PATAKI] Okay,
make Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Well, hold on there.
Stunt people are not
actually daredevils.
Sure, we find danger sexy.
You know, we like to flirt with it,
buy it a drink,
but we don't let it get
into our pants. You know?
We do danger safely.
So, if we do get hurt,
we live to fall another day.
[SLIGHT CHUCKLE]
You know who taught me that?
The best stuntman in the world.
My old man, Slim Pataki.
[NOSTALGIC MUSIC PLAYING]
- I come from a long line of stunt people.
- [SLIM PATAKI] Are you ready?
- [YOUNG SAZZ] Yeah!
- Here we go!
[ADULT SAZZ] You know, while
most parents are trying
to keep their kids away from danger
- [SCREAMS]
- Oh!
mine taught me how to
play in it. Honest to God.
Again, again, again!
[ADULT SAZZ] There's no
point in trying not to fall.
You always fall. But the trick is
you get up, you dust yourself off,
and make sure you don't become dust.
[NOSTALGIC MUSIC FADES OUT]
[MABEL] Charles, are you okay?
[OLIVER] What do you need? We're here.
What do I do?
I can't wash her down the drain! Ah!
M-Maybe we could
get a wipe?
Yes. Yes, a nice, respectful wipe.
Sazz can't end up on a wipe.
Well, you could just
leave them like that.
Then, you'd have permanent
Sazz hands. [CHUCKLES]
I'd like to take that one back.
I'm gonna call the police.
- Okay.
- Great. Yeah.
- Do you want me to
- No.
I know what I'll do. [SNIFFLES]
I'll wash her into a bowl.
- Great plan.
- A bowl!
Then, I can take the water and
ashes, pour 'em into something,
let the water evaporate.
Maybe a Mason jar!
- Oh, homey. Cozy. What a good That
- Yes, a Mason jar.
- I love Mason jars.
- And we will go get that for you now.
Yes.
[CABINET OPENS]
- [MASON JAR CLINKS]
- [HEARTFELT MUSIC PLAYING]
Sazz
♪
♪
- [SPLASHING]
- Ah!
[GASPING]
[GASPS]
[SPLASHING]
[SIGHS]
Hey, hey, hey, don't sweat it.
Me being dead is the least
of your problemos.
Also, get your hands off my boobs.
- [LIVELY THEME SONG PLAYING]
- [SAZZ WHISTLING]
[VOCALIZING]
[THEME SONG FADES OUT]
[AIR WHISTLING]
[OLIVER] Um [GRUNTS]
[GAGGING, SNIFFLING]
[SPUTTERING]
Oh, God, she's all over me, too!
'Course this is the week my dry
cleaner bumps up his pricing.
Oliver, will you stop shaking Sazz
onto the floor and line up the shot?
Oh, yeah, sorry, sorry.
O-Okay. So Alright.
So, if that's where Sazz was hit,
then the angle puts the shooter
in the corner apartment across the way.
[MABEL] But, what if
she was shot here and then fell?
Then, she was shot by the
- the window next door.
- [CHARLES] Okay!
My hands are clean.
Sazz is in the jar,
not in this room.
I'm gonna put her right here.
Okay, s Wait, no!
I'm gonna put her here
because Sazz used to love
sitting on this counter.
So, this is absolutely
Unless we put her over
No, this is good.
This is absolutely good
because it is time to enact protocol.
Let's call the police.
- Hold on! Hold on.
- Wait! I mean,
- yes, do what you need to do.
- Whatever you need.
Absolutely, Charles.
It's just that we thought
maybe we could talk to some people
before the whole building
comes under siege.
Okay. What do we know so far?
Okay, so Sazz came up here for the wine.
There's a bullet hole in the glass.
And I found a couple of
shards on the window seal,
so it seems the bullet came in, not out.
And also, Howard's cadaver dog
thinks there was a body about here,
and then dragged to the trash chute
by someone who had
access to your apartment,
which is terrifying.
And we know we found
Sazz in the incinerator.
[SIGHS] Poor Sazz.
Poor Sazz.
I wish I had something to add,
but I'm just a manifestation
of your rapidly declining
mental state, so
The shot came from the West Tower,
probably somewhere
across on the 14th floor.
But we need to know
exactly where the body was
to know which apartment.
Oh! We could Luminol the floors!
I could Postmates us a bottle.
Yes!
A-And what is Luminol,
my little murder nerds?
It's a chemical that makes
blood glow in the dark.
Also, other bodily fluids.
That's how I found out
what the construction workers
were doing in my old apartment.
Ew.
I don't get it. Who would kill
Sazz? Everybody loves Sazz.
Well, remember,
the shooter was in the Arconia,
focusing on your apartment.
And they shot a person dressed like you
in your kitchen.
You see where this is going!
I see where this is going!
You think I was the target?
That's preposterous!
I was People magazine's
8th Most Beloved TV Cop!
In 1989.
'91.
[SAZZ] Hmm.
Okay, clearly Sazz was
into something weird,
but what about these notes
we found in her apartment?
You got Look, look. "Sick pup."
This one just has random numbers.
- [OLIVER] Yeah.
- "Dudenoff."
No idea what that means.
"Looking at Charles."
It's a mistake to make assumptions
this early in an investigation.
[SAZZ] Don't let them get in your head.
If you were the target,
it means I was killed because of you,
and that kind of guilt
will paralyze you.
We don't know who the target was!
[OLIVER GROANS]
[OLIVER] Listen,
buddy, m-maybe we make lists of people
who, uh, hate you and
people who hated Sazz.
Might be fastest to start with Sazz.
Ah
Sazz was dating Jan,
a convicted murderer,
and Sazz said she needed
to break up with Jan.
And we know what Jan does to
people who break up with her.
Okay, but Jan is in prison,
and you broke up with her, too.
Right. I'm calling 911.
It's been a week, and Sazz's
Bulgarian left shoulder and knee
are still in that incinerator.
[LINE RINGING]
[OPERATOR] [ON PHONE] 911.
Are you in immediate danger?
No! There's no proof of that!
- [OPERATOR] Alright, then please hold.
- [BEEP, LINE RINGING]
[NYPD HOLD VOICE] Thank
you for calling 911.
There are 68
emergencies ahead of you.
Sixty-eight!
Okay, it looks like our glorious
city has given us a minute.
Why don't we talk through what
we know about the residents
of the West Tower?
Ah
- [PLUCKY MUSIC PLAYING]
- The Westies.
They're an odd bunch. Weirdos.
Loners.
Renters.
You don't have to say it like that.
Yeah, boomer, not everyone was alive
when an apartment cost a bag of beans.
I'd kill to rent anything.
[OLIVER] Alright, Charles.
Tell us about the Westies
- and why they might, for argument's sake,
- [RECORD BUTTON BEEPS]
want you dead.
There's Stink-Eye Joe.
[GUNSHOT]
Seems hostile.
Always looking over here,
giving me the stink-eye.
Ah.
There's the Sauce Family.
- [GUNSHOT]
- Always stirring some kind of sauce
at all hours
and looking over here.
Three people, lots of pots,
- always stirring.
- [OLIVER GASPS]
Are they stirring up
a nice batch o' murder?
[CHARLES] There's the oddest one of all.
Christmas-all-the-Time Guy.
- [GUNSHOT]
- Handsome guy, always working out.
Never takes down his
Christmas decorations.
Wears a Christmas
sweater all-year-round.
That's most of the floor I can see.
Besides that one apartment
that never opens its blinds.
I see the lights go
on and off sometimes,
but I never see anyone in there.
- [OLIVER] Interesting.
- [STOPS RECORDING]
Okay, let's sniff around
before the cops come.
I think we have to go down
around the block to get in, right?
That's right. They sealed off the
West Tower from the real Arconia
after a Westie opened a brothel.
Pretty good one, too.
Okay, Charles, text
us when 911 picks up.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Sazz was my stunt double.
I wanna investigate.
- [CLOSING BLINDS]
- [MABEL] Listen,
I know we don't know who the target was,
but just to be safe,
why don't you help out in here?
With the blinds closed. Stay on hold.
Make a new murder board.
Um, Postmates the Luminol.
- [RECORD BUTTON BEEPS]
- Luminol! Postmates.
It was the most
technical we'd ever been.
[STOPS RECORDING]
You know this is all happening.
We might as well just get started.
Hey!
You're giving me busy work!
Charles, this is a big job. We
need you to stay safe in here.
- And stay on hold.
- Yeah.
- You don't need to go out there to help.
- Right.
'Course, they tried
to shoot you in here.
I was not the target!
Of course, you weren't!
But deadbolt the door. The
killer might have had a key.
We love you, buddy.
We do.
I want to have said that.
[MABEL] Charles, deadbolt!
[DEADBOLT CLICKS]
- [SIGHS]
- Okay, he is talking to no one.
Hey, I've talked to a
few dead people before.
Hey, I once invented a whole Fosse
number of you and Charles dancing.
- You had better gams.
- Hey, what's that?
"Building meeting tonight.
"Keep our home from being overrun
by a Hollywood movie shoot."
No, no, no, no. This
movie has to happen.
It's the only way I can keep up
with my sexy, successful girlfriend.
Also, did you know Loretta's
co-star is internet famous
for something called a "Jon
Hamm-in-the-pants situation"?
Oh, I know. Went deep
down that rabbit hole
- one rainy afternoon.
- [DOORS RUMBLE]
[SAZZ] [ON TV] Gates of Heaven.
You ever seen it? It's the first time
I ever saw real people
just being themselves
and being worthy as characters, too.
- [TV SAZZ CONTINUES]
- It was about pet cemeteries.
But with some
deep existential shit
about the afterlife.
[TV SAZZ] And not for the
dead so much, I really
[CHARLES] You've been on
film hundreds of times,
and the only way the world
will remember your face
is on this old documentary.
Well,
being on film is not the
only way to be remembered.
[PUTS DOWN REMOTE]
You know, even if you were the target,
you don't have to feel bad.
That's the gig.
I take hits for my guy.
[CHARLES] They're just
trying to scare me.
I'm not gonna get
scared in my own apart
[LOUD THUMP]
[WHISPERS] Closet.
Don't know why I'm whispering.
I'm just your subconscious.
[THUMP]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
Hello, Charles.
[WHEEZING SCREAMS]
Yep. She's real.
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
[HUSHED] Wow The West Tower.
[RECORD BUTTON BEEPS]
Somewhere in this pit
lay a sniper's nest.
Okay, this is our one chance
to meet people casually
before the cops put everyone on alert.
So, let's look out
some windows and chat.
- Look for the weird.
- Okay, first up,
the menacing Stink-Eye Joe.
Okay. [SNIFFS, CLEARS THROAT]
[DOOR CREAKS]
Hey! [LAUGHS]
It's the famous podcasters
from the East Tower!
- Why, yes, that's us.
- Uh, hi, I'm Mabel.
I don't know if you're aware,
but they're going to be shooting
a movie here based on our podcast.
- [GASPS] A movie?
- [OLIVER] Yes, major stars. Very exciting.
So we're scouting possible
locations to shoot from.
- In! To shoot in.
- Exactly.
With cameras. N-N-Not bang-bang shoot.
Yeah.
So would you be interested
in showing us your apartment?
Oh, yeah! I love the movies!
I'll show you anything
you want! Come on in!
[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]
Vince Fish.
Listen, I gotta apologize
for the eye patch.
I have antibiotic-resistant pink eye,
and it leaves one eye, and
then goes back into the other,
and then back and forth
and back and forth like a
like a virus playing
hopscotch! Anyhoo
- [OLIVER SNORTS]
- I gotta put a compress on it,
but I don't like to hold it in my hands
because I'm highly contagious, okay?
So, I came up with this system!
- Ah, pink eye. Yes.
- That's a good idea.
S-So, would you mind if
we glance out your window
to see if it gives us the
right angle on the East Tower?
Yeah, yeah, come on over!
Yeah, I-I mean, you get a good
vantage point from over here.
Everybody looks so small.
You could pretend that
they're not even people.
They're just like little
ants, and you just squish 'em!
You just squish 'em!
But I can see your place, Oliver.
Over there on 10.
And, uh, Mabel,
y-you used to live at 12, and
there's your friend's place.
What's up with him
and his lonely omelets?
And why is he always staring?
Well, who could say why
people do what they do.
Anyway, a shot from here won't work
because th-the windows are painted shut.
[WINDOW STRUGGLING]
- [MABEL] Oh. Um
- Ow.
That's too bad.
Yeah. Must be hard for
you Easties to imagine.
You're always lifting your windows,
and letting in the fresh air.
Anyhow! I'm going to the neighbors
to play some Oh Hell,
so if you wanna come along, you can.
You can check out their place, right?
- Uh Yes.
- Oh, that would be fantastic.
- We'd love that.
- Yeah, super! New friends!
[OLIVER GROANS]
- Back! Stay back.
- [TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
How did you get out of prison?
A mix of parkour Sazz taught me
and psychosexual manipulation.
I won't bore or arouse you with deets.
Well, I'm not bored. [CLICKS TONGUE]
And thanks for the tip
about the secret passageways
in the second season of your podcast.
Super helpful.
Charles! Stop scurrying!
I'm not here to kill you.
I broke out because
I'm worried about Sazz.
Worried about Sazz? What, why?
[JAN BELLOWS] She called
last week and sounded upset.
I haven't heard from her since.
Have you?
[NYPD HOLD VOICE] [ON PHONE]
Thank you for calling 911.
There are 32
emergencies ahead of you.
Charles.
Why did you call 911?
- I'll tell you if you don't kill me.
- I'll kill you if you don't tell me.
Touché.
- Oh. [SOFT LAUGH]
- [OPENS DISHWASHER]
I've been meaning to wash these.
[KNIVES CLATTER]
[BEEP, SHUTS DISHWASHER]
[DISHWASHER WHIRRING]
- We're really more like family over here.
- [SHUTS DOOR]
You know, the apartments may be smaller,
- but the hearts are bigger. [LAUGHS]
- Oh.
Maybe that's why I
have an enlarged heart.
[LAUGHING]
- Inez!
- [KNOCKING]
- We have guests!
- [DOOR CREAKS]
[GASPS] Fresh meat! [LAUGHS]
Ha!
- Get in here. [LAUGHING]
- Come on.
- [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
- [INEZ] Come on. Come on. Oh!
- [MABEL] Hi, there.
- Hi! Hi.
- [INEZ LAUGHS]
- [AWKWARD LAUGH]
- Ah! Alfonso! Mira! [LAUGHING]
- [ALFONSO] Yeah, mami?
Fix your face.
[VINCE FISH] They wanna
play Oh Hell with us.
[ALFONSO] Oh! [LAUGHING]
- So nice to finally meet you!
- [PATTING BACK]
- Right? A meeting of the towers.
- [KISSING]
Wh-Why haven't we done this earlier?
- My mom wishes you brought your friend.
- Ana! [LAUGHS]
She's right, though.
Mm-hmm. Inez is in love
with Brazzos. [LAUGHS]
Ah
No, seriously. When we first moved in,
she spotted him across the
courtyard, almost peed herself.
I thought I was gonna have
to take the guy out, you know?
Wow. Years of living across from your
wife's crush must be hard, huh?
Especially when your wife
puts on a push-up bra to cook.
Can I help it if Brazzos
likes to watch me make sauce?
Mom! I need to move out.
Alright, come on, come
on. Let's get started.
You're gonna love this game.
But be careful.
It's a little dangerous.
- [INEZ] Ah-ha! [LAUGHS]
- [ALL GROAN]
So?
What do you think of Oh Hell?
Well, it's, uh, titillating.
A little confusing.
Reminds me of this traumatic game of
strip Pinochle I once played
with the wonderful Frank Langella,
wh-whose drapes do not match the
He definitely loves it.
So, Mabel, did you achieve?
I don't think so.
- [OLIVER] Oh.
- Okay, I really, really want to.
- [LAUGHS]
- Why am I so obsessed already?
- It's so addictive.
- Mm.
I bet your friend Mr.
Savage would like it.
He's my hall pass. You know.
Which is not supposed to be a thing
with anyone you actually
have a chance of meeting
or, you know,
anyone who's constantly staring
through your window with
his stupid fuckin' face.
Dad, I think you can
relax about Brazzos.
He has brittle bones.
Mom would shatter him.
- I'd sure like to try!
- [VINCE LAUGHS]
Where's this one running off to?
I just need a pick-me-up.
Where's the knife?
Oh, um, on the bathroom
sink. I just sharpened it.
[JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING]
- [ALFONSO INHALES]
- [INEZ] Mm.
Alright! Now, I need a hit.
[LAUGHS] You can't resist!
That's my baby!
[LAUGHS, SIGHS]
[KNIFE SLICES]
♪
[OLIVER SIGHS]
So, wh-what is going on in the bathroom?
Sorry. Westie secret.
[JAN] A sniper?
[PANTING]
Snipers are assholes.
What's the point of killing if
you're not up close for the release?
That's the best part.
You remember, Charles?
I really loved her.
We worked together almost 40 years.
She took every blow for me.
We'd come to the most
dangerous part of the scene,
and the director would yell, "Freeze,"
and I would freeze. And
then Sazz would say
- Tap in.
- " Tap in." And then,
she would get run over by an
airboat while I had a Fresca.
She couldn't find much doubling work
because her height
didn't match many women.
[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]
She said you gave her the
shot that started her life.
She loved you.
[SIGHS] Jeez. This is getting sappy.
She's the reason I haven't killed you,
despite hours of fantasizing.
Well, thank you, Sazz.
Now, I need to borrow a shirt.
This one's covered
in prison guard brain.
[JAN SIGHS]
Prison guard brain?
That's our Jan.
[MABEL] Oh, hell!
Wow! I needed that!
[GRUNTING]
B-A-D!
- [INEZ] [GASPS] Oh! You won!
- Oh! I achieved?
- [LAUGHTER, CLAPPING]
- I achieved!
- [VINCE] You did it?
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, I missed it!
- [ALFONSO] Okay, newbie.
I think that earns you
a trip to the bathroom.
Here you go, buddy.
Oh. I I don't know
that I I need to
- [INEZ] He's right, you earned it.
- [ALFONSO] Ollie.
I insist.
[NERVOUS LAUGH]
[INEZ] Get in there. Get in there.
- [OLIVER GROANS]
- [ALL] Get in there. Get in there.
- Get in there! Get in there!
- [ANA] Take the knife!
- [INEZ] Come on!
- [ALL] Get in there!
Get in there! Get in
there! Get in there!
- Get in there! Get in there!
- [OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[INEZ] Take that knife! [LAUGHS]
[EXCITED CHATTER]
- Get in there!
- [SHRIEKS]
Is that a person?
Don't be ridiculous. It's a ham.
Imported from Portugal, very special.
[GASPS]
[OLIVER] It's a ham, Mabel!
It's a ham in the shower!
- [VINCE] Yeah!
- Go get it!
- Alright!
- [CHEERS]
- Alright!
- [LAUGHTER]
So, uh, it sounds like we've met
most everybody on this side of the floor
except for Christmas Guy
and whoever is in that place
with the lockbox on it. Who lives there?
- Oh, um, that's the Dudenoff place.
- [INEZ KICKS ANA]
♪
Dudenoff?
Do you know how we could contact them?
[OVERLAPPING NEGATIVE CHATTER]
I don't even think he has a telephone.
[AWKWARD SILENCE]
Sazz was very worried
about you, Charles.
And the day's looking up.
She said she thought
someone had eyes on you.
She was poking around the
building because of it.
This building? She was looking
into someone who lives here?
I don't know, but last time we talked,
she said she thought there might
be another murderer in the building.
It was last Wednesday, after
my Lifers' Hip-Hop Dance Club.
That was the night she died.
Charles, you get rid of the body
because you've killed the wrong person,
and you don't want the
right person on alert.
And, trust me, once you've
crossed over and tried to kill,
if you fail,
you come up with way more
fucked-up ways to finish the job.
- [KNOCKING AT DOOR]
- Time to go.
- [MABEL] Charles!
- [OLIVER] Open up!
- [KNOCKING]
- Stupid cops are gonna pin this on me,
- so I gotta disappear.
- [KNOCKING, YELLING]
I was hoping to make love
one last time, Charles,
before you're murdered.
Maybe at least some mutual masturbation,
but ships passing, I guess.
[MABEL] Where are you?
- Well, you know, we got a little time
- I'll miss you, Charles.
I hope it's quick. Woof!
- [POUNDING AT DOOR]
- [MABEL AND OLIVER YELLING]
- [OLIVER] Open up!
- [MABEL] Open the door!
- [OLIVER] Charles!
- [MABEL] Charles!
Hi! Okay, so the apartment
with the closed blinds
is someone named
Dudenoff. From Sazz's note!
Now, we don't know who that is,
but the Westies are very weird about it.
Also, they eat toilet ham.
- What?
- [MABEL] And Stink-Eye Joe
- is really just Pink-Eye Joe.
- Yeah.
Which is arguably worse,
but You made a board!
Oh, that's so good!
Who knows why Sazz was over there,
but there is a lockbox
on that Dudenoff door.
[CHARLES] [QUIETLY] Guys.
[MOUTHING]
Jan was here. She was here!
Jan was here?
- Yeah!
- [OLIVER] Uh-huh
And is she still here?
Well, I didn't Ah!
[SAZZ] Can't you still smell her?
I can. [INHALES DEEPLY] Mm.
[PLUCKY MUSIC PLAYING]
- Charles, Jan is in prison.
- Yeah.
How could she be in your closet?
Parkour.
- Ah.
- [RECORD BUTTON BEEPS]
And that is when we realized
that Charles had begun
his descent into madness.
- [STOPS RECORDING]
- Guys, I was the target.
The shot was for me.
Sazz died for me.
[NYPD HOLD VOICE]
Thank you for calling 911.
There are 19
emergencies ahead of you.
- Okay! You're doing good at hold.
- Yeah.
Uh, did you order the Luminol?
- It's on its way.
- [OLIVER] Good for you, dude!
- We're proud of ya.
- H hey, Oliver.
- Look. The numbers.
- [OLIVER] Is that the code
- for the lockbox?
- Maybe.
[SHUTTER SNAPS]
W-We're gonna try to get
into the Dudenoff place
as fast as possible,
and then we'll be back.
Okay, just text us if the cops pick up
or the Luminol comes.
You're doing great.
[KEYPAD BEEPING]
Charles isn't doing so great.
Yeah, we have to find the killer
soon. He's a dead man walking.
- [LOCKBOX WHIRS]
- Oh, goody, it works.
- [CLICK, DOOR CREAKS OPEN]
- [DISTANT STREET NOISE]
[LIGHTS CLICK, BUZZ]
[DOOR CREAKS, SHUTS]
Okay, if anyone actually lives here,
they're definitely a psychopath.
A ham radio. So much ham up here.
[SHUTTER SNAPS]
[SHUTTER SNAPS]
[BLINDS RATTLE]
Hey.
Look, there's a
footprint on the radiator.
[OLIVER] And paint chips.
The window was pried open.
[SHUTTER SNAPPING]
- [WINDOW RATTLES]
- Ah!
This must be the sniper's nest.
It's also pretty spacious for a studio.
Ho, ho, ho.
Is this tinsel?
[MABEL] Oliver!
- What!?
- [MABEL] More ham!
- [OINKING]
- He's so cute! What's your name?
Piggie Smalls? Notorious P.I.G.?
- [LOUD BANGING]
- Jesus!
- [PIG SNORTING]
- Oh shit.
- [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
- [DOOR RATTLING]
[PIG SQUEALING]
[MUSIC SWELLS]
- [KEYPAD BEEPING]
- [PIG SNORTING]
[LOCKBOX WHIRRING]
- [LOUD BANG]
- Oh!
- [HITS PIANO NOTE]
- Shh!
[OLIVER SNORTS]
[WHISPERS] Wait.
- [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
- [PEEPHOLE SQUEAKS]
[MUSIC SWELLS]
[DOOR SLAMS NEARBY]
- [PIG SQUEALS]
- [BOTH YELL]
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
- The pig's loose!
Well, at least he has a chance. Go!
Let's gather up some
things and get outta here.
I'm scared to leave here now.
We stay down here.
Nice and safe.
Forever.
Many cultures sit on the
floor to eat. It'll be great.
[NYPD HOLD VOICE]
Thank you for calling 911.
There are eight
emergencies ahead of you.
We're almost there.
[TEXT NOTIFICATION CHIMES]
That would be the Luminol.
Downstairs.
You don't have to go down there.
Delegate.
Let strangers find the killer
of your fiercest protector.
[SAZZ SIGHS]
I've gotta at least go get the box.
[SIGHS] Just gotta,
uh, pick up a package.
That's easy. I pick up a package
without getting kil Ew.
Uh Okay. [MUTTERING]
I'll go in disguise Oh.
I'll go in disguise. Alright.
I'll say to Lester, "Don't
look up and don't say my name,
but give me that package."
- [OFFICER] NYPD!
- [CHARLES] Don't kill me!
[OFFICERS SHOUTING]
- Savage, are you safe?
- What? I don't know, am I?
Jan Bellows escaped using parkour
and psychosexual manipulation.
Then, we found sketches of her doing
some really fucked-up shit to you.
Acid showers, golden showers.
Now, I'm not really sure
how that kills anyone,
but we need to inspect your bathroom.
See? She is real! She was here!
She was here?
And you didn't report it,
which you know is a crime?
Savage, is there anything
you wanna tell me?
[911 OPERATOR]
911, what's your emergency?
Hello?
I'd like to report a murder.
[SIGHS] Shut the fuckin' fuck up.
You might wanna check the incinerator.
Also, we grabbed your package.
[911 OPERATOR]
Sir, did you say a murder?
Come on, let's go. Cops won't
be in the basement forever.
Are we allowed to do
this to a crime scene?
Forgiveness instead of
permission is kind of our thing.
Okay. And what does
this Luminol do again?
It'll show us where Sazz bled out.
- Uh-huh.
- Are you ready?
I
I need a moment first.
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
I failed you today, Sazz.
[CLICKS TONGUE] Well, I
wasn't at my best either.
- And I'm you, so, yeah.
- [SIGHS]
- We lost our shit.
- Hm.
How am I ever gonna find your
killer if I'm afraid to go outside?
I don't know how to do this.
All I know how to do is freeze.
You need a stunt double.
- Remember in season one
- Mm.
we had that big explosion
stunt at the strip club?
- Mm-hmm.
- And for hours,
you were running and diving in this, uh,
filthy river.
- Yeah. My hair caught on fire. Yeah.
- Your hair caught on fire.
And that was all before lunch.
Which I was having, uh,
alone, as usual.
And then,
you came banging on my trailer door,
and you brought in five crew guys
that I had never talked to,
and they all thanked me for
inviting them to a poker game
- which I hadn't.
- Little white lie.
And then,
I had this weekly poker game
for the next eight years.
You found me friends.
- [SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]
- What was that guy? Th the grip?
He was so funny. And the,
uh, big guy with the
hair. Was it Schma? Schma?
- Schmeong.
- Schmeong.
Yeah.
You were more than just a stunt double.
You took care of me
in every way a person
could take care of someone.
You're my oldest,
best friend.
What'll I do without you?
[SIGHS]
[MABEL] Charles? We should do this.
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
She was right here.
Hey. Look at this.
Did she write a message with her blood?
Charles, do you know what that means?
Yes.
I do.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[SAZZ] Another thing
my father taught me.
If you wanna have a long career,
you need to find your person.
Your number one.
The one you always fall for.
And the day I met Charles-Haden Savage,
I knew I'd found mine.
[BLINDS RATTLE]
And it's not just about a steady gig.
Finding your number one pushes you
to unlock parts of yourself
you didn't even know you had.
♪
Because everything you do,
you're doing for someone you care about.
"Oh hell."
They're not numbers.
They're letters.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES]
Did one of them kill Sazz?
[MABEL] We're gonna find out.
[CHARLES] We're not investigating
Sazz's murder anymore.
We're investigating mine.
[PLUCKY MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
[MUSIC FADES OUT]
[FANFARE PLAYING]
[MABEL MORA] So what's
next, podcast-wise?
- [GUNSHOT, GLASS SHATTERS]
- [BODY THUDS]
[OLIVER PUTNAM] What we need
is a hot, fresh, dead body,
preferably right here
or very near to here.
I got another email from that Bev Melon.
They wanna make a movie of our podcast.
- Paramount?
- They wanna fly us all out to LA
- for some meeting next week.
- [APPLAUSE, CHEERING]
Let's talk movies!
[CHARLES-HADEN SAVAGE] I
invited Sazz to the party,
but she's back to not responding and
she usually gets right back to me.
She had something "sensitive"
to discuss with me.
She's had so many
joints replaced by metal.
Apparently, the best
ones come from Bulgaria.
What's all this?
[LESTER] [ON PHONE] You need
your kitchen window replaced.
Something left a little hole.
[CHARLES] Like a bullet hole?
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[SAZZ PATAKI] Okay,
make Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Well, hold on there.
Stunt people are not
actually daredevils.
Sure, we find danger sexy.
You know, we like to flirt with it,
buy it a drink,
but we don't let it get
into our pants. You know?
We do danger safely.
So, if we do get hurt,
we live to fall another day.
[SLIGHT CHUCKLE]
You know who taught me that?
The best stuntman in the world.
My old man, Slim Pataki.
[NOSTALGIC MUSIC PLAYING]
- I come from a long line of stunt people.
- [SLIM PATAKI] Are you ready?
- [YOUNG SAZZ] Yeah!
- Here we go!
[ADULT SAZZ] You know, while
most parents are trying
to keep their kids away from danger
- [SCREAMS]
- Oh!
mine taught me how to
play in it. Honest to God.
Again, again, again!
[ADULT SAZZ] There's no
point in trying not to fall.
You always fall. But the trick is
you get up, you dust yourself off,
and make sure you don't become dust.
[NOSTALGIC MUSIC FADES OUT]
[MABEL] Charles, are you okay?
[OLIVER] What do you need? We're here.
What do I do?
I can't wash her down the drain! Ah!
M-Maybe we could
get a wipe?
Yes. Yes, a nice, respectful wipe.
Sazz can't end up on a wipe.
Well, you could just
leave them like that.
Then, you'd have permanent
Sazz hands. [CHUCKLES]
I'd like to take that one back.
I'm gonna call the police.
- Okay.
- Great. Yeah.
- Do you want me to
- No.
I know what I'll do. [SNIFFLES]
I'll wash her into a bowl.
- Great plan.
- A bowl!
Then, I can take the water and
ashes, pour 'em into something,
let the water evaporate.
Maybe a Mason jar!
- Oh, homey. Cozy. What a good That
- Yes, a Mason jar.
- I love Mason jars.
- And we will go get that for you now.
Yes.
[CABINET OPENS]
- [MASON JAR CLINKS]
- [HEARTFELT MUSIC PLAYING]
Sazz
♪
♪
- [SPLASHING]
- Ah!
[GASPING]
[GASPS]
[SPLASHING]
[SIGHS]
Hey, hey, hey, don't sweat it.
Me being dead is the least
of your problemos.
Also, get your hands off my boobs.
- [LIVELY THEME SONG PLAYING]
- [SAZZ WHISTLING]
[VOCALIZING]
[THEME SONG FADES OUT]
[AIR WHISTLING]
[OLIVER] Um [GRUNTS]
[GAGGING, SNIFFLING]
[SPUTTERING]
Oh, God, she's all over me, too!
'Course this is the week my dry
cleaner bumps up his pricing.
Oliver, will you stop shaking Sazz
onto the floor and line up the shot?
Oh, yeah, sorry, sorry.
O-Okay. So Alright.
So, if that's where Sazz was hit,
then the angle puts the shooter
in the corner apartment across the way.
[MABEL] But, what if
she was shot here and then fell?
Then, she was shot by the
- the window next door.
- [CHARLES] Okay!
My hands are clean.
Sazz is in the jar,
not in this room.
I'm gonna put her right here.
Okay, s Wait, no!
I'm gonna put her here
because Sazz used to love
sitting on this counter.
So, this is absolutely
Unless we put her over
No, this is good.
This is absolutely good
because it is time to enact protocol.
Let's call the police.
- Hold on! Hold on.
- Wait! I mean,
- yes, do what you need to do.
- Whatever you need.
Absolutely, Charles.
It's just that we thought
maybe we could talk to some people
before the whole building
comes under siege.
Okay. What do we know so far?
Okay, so Sazz came up here for the wine.
There's a bullet hole in the glass.
And I found a couple of
shards on the window seal,
so it seems the bullet came in, not out.
And also, Howard's cadaver dog
thinks there was a body about here,
and then dragged to the trash chute
by someone who had
access to your apartment,
which is terrifying.
And we know we found
Sazz in the incinerator.
[SIGHS] Poor Sazz.
Poor Sazz.
I wish I had something to add,
but I'm just a manifestation
of your rapidly declining
mental state, so
The shot came from the West Tower,
probably somewhere
across on the 14th floor.
But we need to know
exactly where the body was
to know which apartment.
Oh! We could Luminol the floors!
I could Postmates us a bottle.
Yes!
A-And what is Luminol,
my little murder nerds?
It's a chemical that makes
blood glow in the dark.
Also, other bodily fluids.
That's how I found out
what the construction workers
were doing in my old apartment.
Ew.
I don't get it. Who would kill
Sazz? Everybody loves Sazz.
Well, remember,
the shooter was in the Arconia,
focusing on your apartment.
And they shot a person dressed like you
in your kitchen.
You see where this is going!
I see where this is going!
You think I was the target?
That's preposterous!
I was People magazine's
8th Most Beloved TV Cop!
In 1989.
'91.
[SAZZ] Hmm.
Okay, clearly Sazz was
into something weird,
but what about these notes
we found in her apartment?
You got Look, look. "Sick pup."
This one just has random numbers.
- [OLIVER] Yeah.
- "Dudenoff."
No idea what that means.
"Looking at Charles."
It's a mistake to make assumptions
this early in an investigation.
[SAZZ] Don't let them get in your head.
If you were the target,
it means I was killed because of you,
and that kind of guilt
will paralyze you.
We don't know who the target was!
[OLIVER GROANS]
[OLIVER] Listen,
buddy, m-maybe we make lists of people
who, uh, hate you and
people who hated Sazz.
Might be fastest to start with Sazz.
Ah
Sazz was dating Jan,
a convicted murderer,
and Sazz said she needed
to break up with Jan.
And we know what Jan does to
people who break up with her.
Okay, but Jan is in prison,
and you broke up with her, too.
Right. I'm calling 911.
It's been a week, and Sazz's
Bulgarian left shoulder and knee
are still in that incinerator.
[LINE RINGING]
[OPERATOR] [ON PHONE] 911.
Are you in immediate danger?
No! There's no proof of that!
- [OPERATOR] Alright, then please hold.
- [BEEP, LINE RINGING]
[NYPD HOLD VOICE] Thank
you for calling 911.
There are 68
emergencies ahead of you.
Sixty-eight!
Okay, it looks like our glorious
city has given us a minute.
Why don't we talk through what
we know about the residents
of the West Tower?
Ah
- [PLUCKY MUSIC PLAYING]
- The Westies.
They're an odd bunch. Weirdos.
Loners.
Renters.
You don't have to say it like that.
Yeah, boomer, not everyone was alive
when an apartment cost a bag of beans.
I'd kill to rent anything.
[OLIVER] Alright, Charles.
Tell us about the Westies
- and why they might, for argument's sake,
- [RECORD BUTTON BEEPS]
want you dead.
There's Stink-Eye Joe.
[GUNSHOT]
Seems hostile.
Always looking over here,
giving me the stink-eye.
Ah.
There's the Sauce Family.
- [GUNSHOT]
- Always stirring some kind of sauce
at all hours
and looking over here.
Three people, lots of pots,
- always stirring.
- [OLIVER GASPS]
Are they stirring up
a nice batch o' murder?
[CHARLES] There's the oddest one of all.
Christmas-all-the-Time Guy.
- [GUNSHOT]
- Handsome guy, always working out.
Never takes down his
Christmas decorations.
Wears a Christmas
sweater all-year-round.
That's most of the floor I can see.
Besides that one apartment
that never opens its blinds.
I see the lights go
on and off sometimes,
but I never see anyone in there.
- [OLIVER] Interesting.
- [STOPS RECORDING]
Okay, let's sniff around
before the cops come.
I think we have to go down
around the block to get in, right?
That's right. They sealed off the
West Tower from the real Arconia
after a Westie opened a brothel.
Pretty good one, too.
Okay, Charles, text
us when 911 picks up.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Sazz was my stunt double.
I wanna investigate.
- [CLOSING BLINDS]
- [MABEL] Listen,
I know we don't know who the target was,
but just to be safe,
why don't you help out in here?
With the blinds closed. Stay on hold.
Make a new murder board.
Um, Postmates the Luminol.
- [RECORD BUTTON BEEPS]
- Luminol! Postmates.
It was the most
technical we'd ever been.
[STOPS RECORDING]
You know this is all happening.
We might as well just get started.
Hey!
You're giving me busy work!
Charles, this is a big job. We
need you to stay safe in here.
- And stay on hold.
- Yeah.
- You don't need to go out there to help.
- Right.
'Course, they tried
to shoot you in here.
I was not the target!
Of course, you weren't!
But deadbolt the door. The
killer might have had a key.
We love you, buddy.
We do.
I want to have said that.
[MABEL] Charles, deadbolt!
[DEADBOLT CLICKS]
- [SIGHS]
- Okay, he is talking to no one.
Hey, I've talked to a
few dead people before.
Hey, I once invented a whole Fosse
number of you and Charles dancing.
- You had better gams.
- Hey, what's that?
"Building meeting tonight.
"Keep our home from being overrun
by a Hollywood movie shoot."
No, no, no, no. This
movie has to happen.
It's the only way I can keep up
with my sexy, successful girlfriend.
Also, did you know Loretta's
co-star is internet famous
for something called a "Jon
Hamm-in-the-pants situation"?
Oh, I know. Went deep
down that rabbit hole
- one rainy afternoon.
- [DOORS RUMBLE]
[SAZZ] [ON TV] Gates of Heaven.
You ever seen it? It's the first time
I ever saw real people
just being themselves
and being worthy as characters, too.
- [TV SAZZ CONTINUES]
- It was about pet cemeteries.
But with some
deep existential shit
about the afterlife.
[TV SAZZ] And not for the
dead so much, I really
[CHARLES] You've been on
film hundreds of times,
and the only way the world
will remember your face
is on this old documentary.
Well,
being on film is not the
only way to be remembered.
[PUTS DOWN REMOTE]
You know, even if you were the target,
you don't have to feel bad.
That's the gig.
I take hits for my guy.
[CHARLES] They're just
trying to scare me.
I'm not gonna get
scared in my own apart
[LOUD THUMP]
[WHISPERS] Closet.
Don't know why I'm whispering.
I'm just your subconscious.
[THUMP]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
Hello, Charles.
[WHEEZING SCREAMS]
Yep. She's real.
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
[HUSHED] Wow The West Tower.
[RECORD BUTTON BEEPS]
Somewhere in this pit
lay a sniper's nest.
Okay, this is our one chance
to meet people casually
before the cops put everyone on alert.
So, let's look out
some windows and chat.
- Look for the weird.
- Okay, first up,
the menacing Stink-Eye Joe.
Okay. [SNIFFS, CLEARS THROAT]
[DOOR CREAKS]
Hey! [LAUGHS]
It's the famous podcasters
from the East Tower!
- Why, yes, that's us.
- Uh, hi, I'm Mabel.
I don't know if you're aware,
but they're going to be shooting
a movie here based on our podcast.
- [GASPS] A movie?
- [OLIVER] Yes, major stars. Very exciting.
So we're scouting possible
locations to shoot from.
- In! To shoot in.
- Exactly.
With cameras. N-N-Not bang-bang shoot.
Yeah.
So would you be interested
in showing us your apartment?
Oh, yeah! I love the movies!
I'll show you anything
you want! Come on in!
[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]
Vince Fish.
Listen, I gotta apologize
for the eye patch.
I have antibiotic-resistant pink eye,
and it leaves one eye, and
then goes back into the other,
and then back and forth
and back and forth like a
like a virus playing
hopscotch! Anyhoo
- [OLIVER SNORTS]
- I gotta put a compress on it,
but I don't like to hold it in my hands
because I'm highly contagious, okay?
So, I came up with this system!
- Ah, pink eye. Yes.
- That's a good idea.
S-So, would you mind if
we glance out your window
to see if it gives us the
right angle on the East Tower?
Yeah, yeah, come on over!
Yeah, I-I mean, you get a good
vantage point from over here.
Everybody looks so small.
You could pretend that
they're not even people.
They're just like little
ants, and you just squish 'em!
You just squish 'em!
But I can see your place, Oliver.
Over there on 10.
And, uh, Mabel,
y-you used to live at 12, and
there's your friend's place.
What's up with him
and his lonely omelets?
And why is he always staring?
Well, who could say why
people do what they do.
Anyway, a shot from here won't work
because th-the windows are painted shut.
[WINDOW STRUGGLING]
- [MABEL] Oh. Um
- Ow.
That's too bad.
Yeah. Must be hard for
you Easties to imagine.
You're always lifting your windows,
and letting in the fresh air.
Anyhow! I'm going to the neighbors
to play some Oh Hell,
so if you wanna come along, you can.
You can check out their place, right?
- Uh Yes.
- Oh, that would be fantastic.
- We'd love that.
- Yeah, super! New friends!
[OLIVER GROANS]
- Back! Stay back.
- [TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
How did you get out of prison?
A mix of parkour Sazz taught me
and psychosexual manipulation.
I won't bore or arouse you with deets.
Well, I'm not bored. [CLICKS TONGUE]
And thanks for the tip
about the secret passageways
in the second season of your podcast.
Super helpful.
Charles! Stop scurrying!
I'm not here to kill you.
I broke out because
I'm worried about Sazz.
Worried about Sazz? What, why?
[JAN BELLOWS] She called
last week and sounded upset.
I haven't heard from her since.
Have you?
[NYPD HOLD VOICE] [ON PHONE]
Thank you for calling 911.
There are 32
emergencies ahead of you.
Charles.
Why did you call 911?
- I'll tell you if you don't kill me.
- I'll kill you if you don't tell me.
Touché.
- Oh. [SOFT LAUGH]
- [OPENS DISHWASHER]
I've been meaning to wash these.
[KNIVES CLATTER]
[BEEP, SHUTS DISHWASHER]
[DISHWASHER WHIRRING]
- We're really more like family over here.
- [SHUTS DOOR]
You know, the apartments may be smaller,
- but the hearts are bigger. [LAUGHS]
- Oh.
Maybe that's why I
have an enlarged heart.
[LAUGHING]
- Inez!
- [KNOCKING]
- We have guests!
- [DOOR CREAKS]
[GASPS] Fresh meat! [LAUGHS]
Ha!
- Get in here. [LAUGHING]
- Come on.
- [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
- [INEZ] Come on. Come on. Oh!
- [MABEL] Hi, there.
- Hi! Hi.
- [INEZ LAUGHS]
- [AWKWARD LAUGH]
- Ah! Alfonso! Mira! [LAUGHING]
- [ALFONSO] Yeah, mami?
Fix your face.
[VINCE FISH] They wanna
play Oh Hell with us.
[ALFONSO] Oh! [LAUGHING]
- So nice to finally meet you!
- [PATTING BACK]
- Right? A meeting of the towers.
- [KISSING]
Wh-Why haven't we done this earlier?
- My mom wishes you brought your friend.
- Ana! [LAUGHS]
She's right, though.
Mm-hmm. Inez is in love
with Brazzos. [LAUGHS]
Ah
No, seriously. When we first moved in,
she spotted him across the
courtyard, almost peed herself.
I thought I was gonna have
to take the guy out, you know?
Wow. Years of living across from your
wife's crush must be hard, huh?
Especially when your wife
puts on a push-up bra to cook.
Can I help it if Brazzos
likes to watch me make sauce?
Mom! I need to move out.
Alright, come on, come
on. Let's get started.
You're gonna love this game.
But be careful.
It's a little dangerous.
- [INEZ] Ah-ha! [LAUGHS]
- [ALL GROAN]
So?
What do you think of Oh Hell?
Well, it's, uh, titillating.
A little confusing.
Reminds me of this traumatic game of
strip Pinochle I once played
with the wonderful Frank Langella,
wh-whose drapes do not match the
He definitely loves it.
So, Mabel, did you achieve?
I don't think so.
- [OLIVER] Oh.
- Okay, I really, really want to.
- [LAUGHS]
- Why am I so obsessed already?
- It's so addictive.
- Mm.
I bet your friend Mr.
Savage would like it.
He's my hall pass. You know.
Which is not supposed to be a thing
with anyone you actually
have a chance of meeting
or, you know,
anyone who's constantly staring
through your window with
his stupid fuckin' face.
Dad, I think you can
relax about Brazzos.
He has brittle bones.
Mom would shatter him.
- I'd sure like to try!
- [VINCE LAUGHS]
Where's this one running off to?
I just need a pick-me-up.
Where's the knife?
Oh, um, on the bathroom
sink. I just sharpened it.
[JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING]
- [ALFONSO INHALES]
- [INEZ] Mm.
Alright! Now, I need a hit.
[LAUGHS] You can't resist!
That's my baby!
[LAUGHS, SIGHS]
[KNIFE SLICES]
♪
[OLIVER SIGHS]
So, wh-what is going on in the bathroom?
Sorry. Westie secret.
[JAN] A sniper?
[PANTING]
Snipers are assholes.
What's the point of killing if
you're not up close for the release?
That's the best part.
You remember, Charles?
I really loved her.
We worked together almost 40 years.
She took every blow for me.
We'd come to the most
dangerous part of the scene,
and the director would yell, "Freeze,"
and I would freeze. And
then Sazz would say
- Tap in.
- " Tap in." And then,
she would get run over by an
airboat while I had a Fresca.
She couldn't find much doubling work
because her height
didn't match many women.
[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]
She said you gave her the
shot that started her life.
She loved you.
[SIGHS] Jeez. This is getting sappy.
She's the reason I haven't killed you,
despite hours of fantasizing.
Well, thank you, Sazz.
Now, I need to borrow a shirt.
This one's covered
in prison guard brain.
[JAN SIGHS]
Prison guard brain?
That's our Jan.
[MABEL] Oh, hell!
Wow! I needed that!
[GRUNTING]
B-A-D!
- [INEZ] [GASPS] Oh! You won!
- Oh! I achieved?
- [LAUGHTER, CLAPPING]
- I achieved!
- [VINCE] You did it?
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, I missed it!
- [ALFONSO] Okay, newbie.
I think that earns you
a trip to the bathroom.
Here you go, buddy.
Oh. I I don't know
that I I need to
- [INEZ] He's right, you earned it.
- [ALFONSO] Ollie.
I insist.
[NERVOUS LAUGH]
[INEZ] Get in there. Get in there.
- [OLIVER GROANS]
- [ALL] Get in there. Get in there.
- Get in there! Get in there!
- [ANA] Take the knife!
- [INEZ] Come on!
- [ALL] Get in there!
Get in there! Get in
there! Get in there!
- Get in there! Get in there!
- [OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[INEZ] Take that knife! [LAUGHS]
[EXCITED CHATTER]
- Get in there!
- [SHRIEKS]
Is that a person?
Don't be ridiculous. It's a ham.
Imported from Portugal, very special.
[GASPS]
[OLIVER] It's a ham, Mabel!
It's a ham in the shower!
- [VINCE] Yeah!
- Go get it!
- Alright!
- [CHEERS]
- Alright!
- [LAUGHTER]
So, uh, it sounds like we've met
most everybody on this side of the floor
except for Christmas Guy
and whoever is in that place
with the lockbox on it. Who lives there?
- Oh, um, that's the Dudenoff place.
- [INEZ KICKS ANA]
♪
Dudenoff?
Do you know how we could contact them?
[OVERLAPPING NEGATIVE CHATTER]
I don't even think he has a telephone.
[AWKWARD SILENCE]
Sazz was very worried
about you, Charles.
And the day's looking up.
She said she thought
someone had eyes on you.
She was poking around the
building because of it.
This building? She was looking
into someone who lives here?
I don't know, but last time we talked,
she said she thought there might
be another murderer in the building.
It was last Wednesday, after
my Lifers' Hip-Hop Dance Club.
That was the night she died.
Charles, you get rid of the body
because you've killed the wrong person,
and you don't want the
right person on alert.
And, trust me, once you've
crossed over and tried to kill,
if you fail,
you come up with way more
fucked-up ways to finish the job.
- [KNOCKING AT DOOR]
- Time to go.
- [MABEL] Charles!
- [OLIVER] Open up!
- [KNOCKING]
- Stupid cops are gonna pin this on me,
- so I gotta disappear.
- [KNOCKING, YELLING]
I was hoping to make love
one last time, Charles,
before you're murdered.
Maybe at least some mutual masturbation,
but ships passing, I guess.
[MABEL] Where are you?
- Well, you know, we got a little time
- I'll miss you, Charles.
I hope it's quick. Woof!
- [POUNDING AT DOOR]
- [MABEL AND OLIVER YELLING]
- [OLIVER] Open up!
- [MABEL] Open the door!
- [OLIVER] Charles!
- [MABEL] Charles!
Hi! Okay, so the apartment
with the closed blinds
is someone named
Dudenoff. From Sazz's note!
Now, we don't know who that is,
but the Westies are very weird about it.
Also, they eat toilet ham.
- What?
- [MABEL] And Stink-Eye Joe
- is really just Pink-Eye Joe.
- Yeah.
Which is arguably worse,
but You made a board!
Oh, that's so good!
Who knows why Sazz was over there,
but there is a lockbox
on that Dudenoff door.
[CHARLES] [QUIETLY] Guys.
[MOUTHING]
Jan was here. She was here!
Jan was here?
- Yeah!
- [OLIVER] Uh-huh
And is she still here?
Well, I didn't Ah!
[SAZZ] Can't you still smell her?
I can. [INHALES DEEPLY] Mm.
[PLUCKY MUSIC PLAYING]
- Charles, Jan is in prison.
- Yeah.
How could she be in your closet?
Parkour.
- Ah.
- [RECORD BUTTON BEEPS]
And that is when we realized
that Charles had begun
his descent into madness.
- [STOPS RECORDING]
- Guys, I was the target.
The shot was for me.
Sazz died for me.
[NYPD HOLD VOICE]
Thank you for calling 911.
There are 19
emergencies ahead of you.
- Okay! You're doing good at hold.
- Yeah.
Uh, did you order the Luminol?
- It's on its way.
- [OLIVER] Good for you, dude!
- We're proud of ya.
- H hey, Oliver.
- Look. The numbers.
- [OLIVER] Is that the code
- for the lockbox?
- Maybe.
[SHUTTER SNAPS]
W-We're gonna try to get
into the Dudenoff place
as fast as possible,
and then we'll be back.
Okay, just text us if the cops pick up
or the Luminol comes.
You're doing great.
[KEYPAD BEEPING]
Charles isn't doing so great.
Yeah, we have to find the killer
soon. He's a dead man walking.
- [LOCKBOX WHIRS]
- Oh, goody, it works.
- [CLICK, DOOR CREAKS OPEN]
- [DISTANT STREET NOISE]
[LIGHTS CLICK, BUZZ]
[DOOR CREAKS, SHUTS]
Okay, if anyone actually lives here,
they're definitely a psychopath.
A ham radio. So much ham up here.
[SHUTTER SNAPS]
[SHUTTER SNAPS]
[BLINDS RATTLE]
Hey.
Look, there's a
footprint on the radiator.
[OLIVER] And paint chips.
The window was pried open.
[SHUTTER SNAPPING]
- [WINDOW RATTLES]
- Ah!
This must be the sniper's nest.
It's also pretty spacious for a studio.
Ho, ho, ho.
Is this tinsel?
[MABEL] Oliver!
- What!?
- [MABEL] More ham!
- [OINKING]
- He's so cute! What's your name?
Piggie Smalls? Notorious P.I.G.?
- [LOUD BANGING]
- Jesus!
- [PIG SNORTING]
- Oh shit.
- [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
- [DOOR RATTLING]
[PIG SQUEALING]
[MUSIC SWELLS]
- [KEYPAD BEEPING]
- [PIG SNORTING]
[LOCKBOX WHIRRING]
- [LOUD BANG]
- Oh!
- [HITS PIANO NOTE]
- Shh!
[OLIVER SNORTS]
[WHISPERS] Wait.
- [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
- [PEEPHOLE SQUEAKS]
[MUSIC SWELLS]
[DOOR SLAMS NEARBY]
- [PIG SQUEALS]
- [BOTH YELL]
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
- The pig's loose!
Well, at least he has a chance. Go!
Let's gather up some
things and get outta here.
I'm scared to leave here now.
We stay down here.
Nice and safe.
Forever.
Many cultures sit on the
floor to eat. It'll be great.
[NYPD HOLD VOICE]
Thank you for calling 911.
There are eight
emergencies ahead of you.
We're almost there.
[TEXT NOTIFICATION CHIMES]
That would be the Luminol.
Downstairs.
You don't have to go down there.
Delegate.
Let strangers find the killer
of your fiercest protector.
[SAZZ SIGHS]
I've gotta at least go get the box.
[SIGHS] Just gotta,
uh, pick up a package.
That's easy. I pick up a package
without getting kil Ew.
Uh Okay. [MUTTERING]
I'll go in disguise Oh.
I'll go in disguise. Alright.
I'll say to Lester, "Don't
look up and don't say my name,
but give me that package."
- [OFFICER] NYPD!
- [CHARLES] Don't kill me!
[OFFICERS SHOUTING]
- Savage, are you safe?
- What? I don't know, am I?
Jan Bellows escaped using parkour
and psychosexual manipulation.
Then, we found sketches of her doing
some really fucked-up shit to you.
Acid showers, golden showers.
Now, I'm not really sure
how that kills anyone,
but we need to inspect your bathroom.
See? She is real! She was here!
She was here?
And you didn't report it,
which you know is a crime?
Savage, is there anything
you wanna tell me?
[911 OPERATOR]
911, what's your emergency?
Hello?
I'd like to report a murder.
[SIGHS] Shut the fuckin' fuck up.
You might wanna check the incinerator.
Also, we grabbed your package.
[911 OPERATOR]
Sir, did you say a murder?
Come on, let's go. Cops won't
be in the basement forever.
Are we allowed to do
this to a crime scene?
Forgiveness instead of
permission is kind of our thing.
Okay. And what does
this Luminol do again?
It'll show us where Sazz bled out.
- Uh-huh.
- Are you ready?
I
I need a moment first.
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
I failed you today, Sazz.
[CLICKS TONGUE] Well, I
wasn't at my best either.
- And I'm you, so, yeah.
- [SIGHS]
- We lost our shit.
- Hm.
How am I ever gonna find your
killer if I'm afraid to go outside?
I don't know how to do this.
All I know how to do is freeze.
You need a stunt double.
- Remember in season one
- Mm.
we had that big explosion
stunt at the strip club?
- Mm-hmm.
- And for hours,
you were running and diving in this, uh,
filthy river.
- Yeah. My hair caught on fire. Yeah.
- Your hair caught on fire.
And that was all before lunch.
Which I was having, uh,
alone, as usual.
And then,
you came banging on my trailer door,
and you brought in five crew guys
that I had never talked to,
and they all thanked me for
inviting them to a poker game
- which I hadn't.
- Little white lie.
And then,
I had this weekly poker game
for the next eight years.
You found me friends.
- [SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]
- What was that guy? Th the grip?
He was so funny. And the,
uh, big guy with the
hair. Was it Schma? Schma?
- Schmeong.
- Schmeong.
Yeah.
You were more than just a stunt double.
You took care of me
in every way a person
could take care of someone.
You're my oldest,
best friend.
What'll I do without you?
[SIGHS]
[MABEL] Charles? We should do this.
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
She was right here.
Hey. Look at this.
Did she write a message with her blood?
Charles, do you know what that means?
Yes.
I do.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[SAZZ] Another thing
my father taught me.
If you wanna have a long career,
you need to find your person.
Your number one.
The one you always fall for.
And the day I met Charles-Haden Savage,
I knew I'd found mine.
[BLINDS RATTLE]
And it's not just about a steady gig.
Finding your number one pushes you
to unlock parts of yourself
you didn't even know you had.
♪
Because everything you do,
you're doing for someone you care about.
"Oh hell."
They're not numbers.
They're letters.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES]
Did one of them kill Sazz?
[MABEL] We're gonna find out.
[CHARLES] We're not investigating
Sazz's murder anymore.
We're investigating mine.
[PLUCKY MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
[MUSIC FADES OUT]
[FANFARE PLAYING]