Parks and Recreation s04e02 Episode Script

Ok guys, a Battle Royale is coming up.
Every department, in one room, arguing for more money.
Budgetary Thunder Dome.
So uhm, make a list of why other departments suck and I gonna get the secret weapon.
Our secret weapon in this budgetary battle Ron.
Every time another department asks for more money, he just stares them down until they back off and/or wet themselves.
Hey, who's ready to get-- what are you doing? Tammy One showed up.
I'm being audited by the IRS.
No! Your worst nightmare.
You know what? Screw this.
First of all, income tax is illegal.
Second, Tammy is a psychological mastermind.
This is just another way for her to put her hand up my keister and control me like a puppet.
I'd rather be locked up.
Ron, this is a federal tax audit.
You could go to jail.
Jail, Ron.
Ron, jail.
Jail, Ron, jail.
You could go to jail.
Jail, jail, jail.
Are you broken? Andy, April! What's up, boss? Stop yelling and being annoying.
Grab your calculators.
Settle in.
Operation "Rescue Ron" is starting.
Don't worry.
I will think of a better name for it by tomorrow.
Here you go.
Calculator.
[Triumphant music.]
- Hey - Hey, man.
Ben.
Hey, thanks for texting me to hang out.
I've really felt like we've developed a cool friendship, and-- anyway, it was just nice to have that validated.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Look, we got some documents over at Entertainment720 that seem really complicated.
And I thought, maybe you could take a look at them because nerd stuff probably really excites you, because you're a nerd.
No, of course.
Yeah, no, I just-- put on my Star Wars pajamas and sit in my mom's basement and pore over some spreadsheets.
Sounds great.
Yeah.
W-w-what'd you got? Something called "Break even analysis tables.
" Oh, break evens? Those are really fun.
Yeah, sure.
I'll take a look.
Let's hit it.
What you-- right now? Uh--I have work.
And I thought I had a friend.
All right.
It's almost too easy.
I can hear you.
[Laughs.]
I know you can, Ben.
That's how easy it is.
So we need to find proof of every tax deduction I've taken in the last five years.
Ron, most of these aren't even receipts.
This one says, "I bought supplies.
2007".
You won't find any bank statements either.
I've heavily invested in gold which I've buried in several different locations around Pawnee.
Or have I? What's this? Some kind of lame drug deal? That is a gentleman's agreement.
I made that man a dining room table in exchange for 60 feet of copper pipe and a half pig.
Well, looks like we have some actual receipts here.
Same amount, every month.
What's this? Every 30 days, I buy shotgun shells and cigarettes and send them home to my mom.
[Laughs.]
That's so sweet.
Your mom sounds kick-ass.
My first ex-wife's name is Tammy.
My second ex-wife's name is Tammy.
My mom's name is Tamara.
She goes by Tammy.
You can prevent adult-onset diabetes by getting an annual check-up, exercising, praying Okay.
[Clears throat.]
Who is that guy? That is Walt Morphling.
He was the director of public health, but he had to retire at 46 because he had diabetes.
That is sad, but also, in this town, understandable.
I would like to shoot a new PSA and I think it'd be good to get someone who's healthy and telegenic, and I thought that you would be perfect.
Ann Perkins.
I am flattered.
And I will do it.
Is there a script yet? Uh, no, because you just approved the idea, like, three seconds ago.
I would like you to write me a script and get it to me in an hour.
And we should start thinking about wardrobe.
Casual? Formal? Semi-formal? Sporty? Scary? Posh? Baby? Those are the spice girls.
I just got caught up in my own thoughts.
I'm very excited about this.
In terms of shirts, I can wear white Welcome to paradise, my man.
You can chill over there by the bar.
We also got basketball at any time you want.
There's Roy Hibbert and Detlef Schrempf.
Oh, my God.
That's an actual NBA player.
He plays for the Pacers.
NBA's on strike, so we got him for only, like, What up, Roy? Is this all you want me to do? Play one on one with Detlef? Yes.
And keep your mouth shut.
Jean-Ralphio! Take me there.
[Shouting.]
Bump! [Laughs.]
Who are you? - Uh-- - This is Ben.
He's here to help us with the paperwork.
Ben? Is that your real name? Yes.
Oh, you could do better than that.
I'ma help you out right now.
Your name is Angelo.
Angelo, thank you so much for coming out.
Get a thicker tie.
It looks weird on you.
Makes your head look like a fish.
Secondly, I don't know where the paperwork is, but when you find it, can you take care of it for us? We don't have any pens 'cause we're afraid it's gonna leak in our shirts.
Lastly, I hate the name, Angelo.
I'ma switch it up for you, right now.
Your new nickname is Jell-o shot.
- What do you think of that, J-shot? Do you have questions? Yeah.
Where are we? All right, Ben.
If you need anything, one of these models that we pay to hang around here will grab it for you.
In the meantime, we' gonna be playing video games, tweeting our high scores.
Hit it! Um, hi.
Are you the receptionist? I guess.
I don't really know.
If you don't mind me asking, how much are they paying you? $100,000 a year.
With full medical.
I mean, I would guess they'll be bankrupt by the end of This sentence.
No, thank you.
Is this true? You only spent $40 on clothes in the past 5 years? It sounds about right.
How did you meet Tammy One? Technically, I've known her since I was born.
She was a candy striper at the hospital.
She helped deliver me.
All: Oh, my God.
I grew up in a very small town.
Everybody knew everybody else.
We first took up together when I was 15.
- Awesome.
- Oh, my God.
It was a little scandalous, but everyone feared her, so they kept their mouths shut.
I don't even know her, but she's my hero.
No, she's no hero, April.
She's a hellacious nightmare.
She did, however, teach me everything I know.
Sunday school, sex.
She was my math teacher in middle school and my babysitter, and she taught driver's ed.
I-- Hello.
I don't believe we've met.
I am Leslie Knope, deputy-- I don't think it will be necessary for you to speak again while I'm here.
Why do I only date brunettes? You know, sometimes you eat chicken and you get food poisoning and then, even the sight of chicken makes you sick? Tammy One is my blonde chicken.
Good God, Ronald.
This is a much bigger mess than I imagined.
You'll take a week off from work.
We'll do a complete overhaul of your finances.
I'll need access to all your accounts, and your home.
Is that necessary? Oh, oh.
We're playing a game where everyone says something stupid? [Laughs.]
You.
What is your name? Tim.
Tim Buckenowski.
Really? No.
Andy Dwyer.
Andy You're going to collect all of this, and you're going to put it in my car.
- What-- - Ms.
Knope.
Yes? You're going to go to payroll and get copies of Ronald's workplace expense reports.
Oh, I--I'm just wondering how long that's going to take, because Ron and I have a very important meeting together.
It's called the Battle Royale.
It's super fun.
Well You and Ron have a big meeting, huh? I'm sure Ron will remember the meeting fondly while he makes toilet wine in a federal prison in Terre Haute.
I'll--I'll head down to payroll.
[Clears throat.]
Now.
You're not getting any younger.
Yes, ma'am.
She's the cold, distant mother I never had.
I love her.
[Whistling.]
Good morning, everyone.
Good morning, sir.
How can I help you? Ron? Your moustache fell off.
[Laughs.]
Leslie, you goofball.
[Laughs.]
Tammy pointed out that my face looked better without any hair on it.
And it did collect a lot of food crumbs, which is very unsanitary.
Hey, Jer.
Hump day, am I right, buddy? [Snaps fingers.]
What? What is going on? Where's Tammy One? She moved in with me.
She's really helping me out.
Yesterday, she converted my bank account into a joint bank account with her.
Oh.
That's great.
And how is that gonna help? Not sure.
When she explains it, it makes total sense.
It is so nice having her around.
Here's something neat.
Tammy's got me taking baby aspirin to lower my risk of heart disease.
Science is a miracle.
Any-who, back to the old grindstone.
These emails aren't gonna send themselves.
[Laughs.]
Diabetes can't be cured.
But it can be prevented.
Make a choice.
Make a change.
And together, we can make a difference.
What do you think? Any notes? Great.
Just as good, if not exactly the same as the last one.
In that last one, I left a nanosecond of a pause between the words, "together" and "we.
" It felt much better.
But I'd love to try another one.
I really think we've got it.
Ann.
This is important to me because it's important to you.
I mean, you spent a lot of time and energy on writing this.
Not really.
So, it needs to be perfect.
So, let's do 1 more, then 5 more, then 20 in a row.
Hey, look who it is.
Hey, hey.
Tom.
Jean-Ralphio.
Professional basketball players.
'Sup, Jell-o shot.
Can I ask you guys a question? How exactly are you making money? Wanna know how we make money? Do you wanna know how we make money? By literally printing out our money.
We bought a printing press.
This prints bills with our faces and the e720 logo on them.
And promote the company by going to clubs and tossing the bills in the air and screaming, "Free money!" You can't just print your own money.
This has to stop, right now.
[Rap music.]
Aww! What's the deal, baby? One second, you hit the party switch, and the next second, you're all business? I need to see all of your books.
You got it, baby.
Baby! Get him the books.
Aww, Snapple.
Are we calling everybody "baby" now? 'Cause honestly, I love that.
Are we saying "Snapple" anytime we think something's dope? 'Cause I love that, baby.
Do you know what I love? [Whistles.]
Jell-o shot! [Rap music plays.]
Uh-oh! Hibbert, Hibbert.
All: Hup, Jell-o shot! Jell-o shot! Jell-o shot! Jell-o shot! Thank you.
We're here to serve you, friend.
I hope the rest of your day is cool beans.
Ron, what is this memo you sent to me? You're not going to the battle royale? I have decided not to attend this year.
Okay, first of all, it's disturbing that you wrote a memo, at all.
But you love arguing against government spending.
Why do you not wanna do it now? Leslie, please.
The government knows what it's doing.
I'm confident that I'll-- Ouchie.
You and I are going to lunch.
We have to talk.
Let me just call Tammy first and get permission.
Oh, come on.
Tammy, I was wondering if I could go to lunch with Leslie? Terrific.
Bye.
She says I can't go.
You're going to lunch with me.
I say you can go.
Oh, gosh.
I'm really in a pickle now.
Oh, my God.
When Ron falls for Tammy Two, he turns into a demonic sex maniac.
But this? Neutered wimp? This is worse.
Operation "Golden Dove" is in trouble.
Ron, there are some things I want to speak to you about but I'm not quite sure how to phrase them.
Just blurt them right out, Leslie.
Anything you say will stay between you and me.
Right, my love? Stop fidgeting.
Sorry.
I was hoping to speak with Ron alone.
He wants me here.
He invited me.
Na-na-na-na-na.
Don't worry, Leslie.
Tammy's totally cool.
Huh, okay.
Then I'll say it to her.
You're evil, and you need to go.
[Both chuckle.]
Leslie, you are a panic.
Tammy, may I use the restroom? Remember to wash your hands.
Okay, you know what? Let's cut the crap.
Is this audit even real? In a sense, yes.
But in another, truer sense, no, it is not.
I want Ronald back, but I had to learn about his finances, to make sure my future was protected.
I'm impressed.
He's acquired quite a bit of gold.
You gold digger.
You're literally a gold digger.
The thing I love about Tammy is she calls me on my crap.
Every guy needs that.
Okay, if you want this company to survive, you immediately need to downsize.
I mean, you don't need this airplane hangar um, I think we do.
And two, you have to keep detailed financial records.
Thank you! I've been trying to tell them that! Waste of time.
They wouldn't know a non-employee tax-reportable expenditure request if it bit them in the ass.
Hey guys, which two people here started their own company? 'Cause I'm pretty sure it wasn't you two bozos.
Hey! Look, you guys can swagger around all you want, but businesses need revenue, okay? Unless you start working on an actual plan, you're dead in a month.
That's a fact.
Ben, thanks for your time.
But with all due respect, as far as business decisions go, I think we know what we're doing.
Don't forget to grab a free iPad on your way out.
He didn't even have one.
Diabetes! Fight it! Not quite, but I like the energy--are we still rolling? Yup.
Diabetes! Okay, let's-- can we take a break? I think that's a great idea.
I think we almost have it, and I am very excited at that prospect.
I'll cancel my four o'clock and my five o'clock and my six o'clock appointments.
I cannot believe I dated him.
For a long time.
And he broke up with me! Fat equals splat! As in, "you're dead!" Is there something there? No--no.
That--that sucked.
But there's something there.
I'm feeling it-- let's go right away! It's magic time! From the top, everybody.
There's no one else here.
Basically, we're being attacked by Godzilla.
And to beat Godzilla, we need Mothra.
No offense.
None taken.
I'm very flattered.
Who's this? Who's this tall drink of water? Andy.
Hey, Andy.
How's it hanging? Listen, we need you to break Ron from her spell.
Can't you just move your butt around, or wear a dress made out of meat? Well I could do all those things and have, but that bitch is crazy.
When Ron left her and we got together, she threw acid on my foot.
Eww! Could we take a peek at it? Listen, Tammy One was my Sunday school teacher, too.
She can pinpoint your weaknesses, and then destroy you with just one word.
And a jar of acid.
Oh, my God.
I think I have an idea that could save Ron.
Andy, don't joke around.
I have ideas, too.
You were right to come get me.
My son Ronnie always had a weakness for those ladies.
Oh, wow.
Is this Ron? Yup.
At the age of five.
He's standing next to the first chair he ever built.
Oh, my God! There's a room full of just guns.
Why do you have so many guns? This is America, isn't it? Yes.
Then I don't have to answer stupid questions while standing on my own property.
Let's go.
[Whistles.]
Okay.
Well, it's definitely Ron's mom.
Tammy? Tammy.
Ronnie.
What's going on? Welcome to the Battle Royale.
Right here.
Right now.
Operation "Soaring Falcon" is in its final stages.
It's time to settle this.
Ah.
An old-fashioned prairie drink-off.
What's in that jug? It smells like jet fuel.
That's Swanson family mash liquor.
Made from the finest corn ever grown on American soil.
Its only legal use is to strip varnish off of speedboats.
If you win, he's all yours.
And if I win, I bring him back to the farm for good.
Wait, what? That wasn't the deal.
Pour it.
I'm thirsty.
Pour me one, too, then.
Let me in here.
I'm gonna join you and if I win, Ron stays here with us.
Leslie, no, don't drink that.
We use it to burn warts off of the mules! Poison! Ugh! I made a mistake.
I made a mistake.
How were we together for five months? Well, you know, it's possible you can just date a guy because of where you are in your life emotionally.
Yeah, I suppose you're right, John.
Ann Perkins, I hate to say this, but I have a stain on my shirt.
Which means that everything we shot so far is unusable, but let's use this as an opportunity to revisit the script.
Delivery guy.
- Hey.
- Diabetes! Had enough? Of this watered-down baby formula? Not even close.
Not meven clarse.
Marvin clods.
Glenn Close.
Leslie, you don't have to do this Shh! Go to bed, Jimmy.
Wrah! I can't feel my face.
My face is numb.
[Hissing.]
What is that? And together, we can make a difference.
That's it.
I think we got it.
Do you think we got it? Yes! Yeah, we have it.
We had it seven hours ago.
Oh, Ann, I--I know that I can be intense, but I'm only trying to be the best me that I can be.
I want to thank you for this opportunity and your patience, and your intelligence, and your insight.
You really are an amazing human being.
Thank you.
Oh, right-- that's why I dated him.
Hey.
I wanted to apologize.
We brought in five accountants to look at e720 and they all said the same thing you did.
If we don't start making changes, we're gonna lose the company.
Okay.
Well, first thing you need to do: Get rid of four of those accountants.
You don't need five accountants.
Again, good advice.
Here.
You really--you need to stop giving these away like candy.
I bought that one personally.
As a thank-you.
It's an iPad.
Everybody prance, now! prance, prance, prance, prance, prance, prance She's had enough.
Call it off.
That's not how it works.
She's out.
Wait.
I'm subbing in.
April, no--that stuff will melt the shell off a garden snail.
Whatever.
I'm Puerto Rican.
I can handle it.
[Sputters.]
[Bleep.]
, oh, my God! Okay.
This ends now.
Ah.
Mom, you're going back to the farm.
And you, you're going back to hell.
Fine.
I got what I came for anyway.
I found your underground safe.
I stole half your gold.
That's decoy gold.
You think I'd leave my gold in a locked safe buried underground, where anyone could find it? You don't know me at all.
Yes, I do.
I knew you the minute you were born.
And I intend to be there the minute you die.
Ron, your family's weird.
Literally, there's a-- someone reading a magazine, and someone applying nail Polish.
What's that--what is she doing? She's just playing with an iPad.
Tom told me that chair was $27,000.
That chair that has a roof.
The--there's someone over there in a deep sleep.
She's probably being paid upwards of $100,000 a year.
There's this video of a boat.
Look at that thing.
What is that? What are you supposed to do with that thing?