Portlandia (2011) s04e02 Episode Script

Hi.
I'm Bryce Shivers.
And I'm Lisa Eversman.
We've come upon some tough times.
Money is running low.
It's kind of a long story, not my fault but we figured out a solution.
_ _ _ You can rent out anything.
Extra bedroom-- rent it out.
Have a car-- rent it out.
Just like New York City you can rent out everything.
Anything, anyone.
Isn't that kind of like prostitution? Not when it's from a cute website.
Welcome to the cool crisp clean website of Rent It Out.
It's very very simple.
This new economy is so fun we've rented everything out.
Got room in your fridge? Rent it out! What a cool site.
My member name is Bryce! Why don't you tell them your password? Are you sure? I don't know but yea go ahead, here's his password.
"SHIVERS1".
- Got a couch? - Rent it out.
Rent it out! - Have an extra toothbrush? - Rent it out.
No tooth paste, alright.
I'm not a taxi driver, I'm just a girl with a car so, I rent it out.
He's a total stranger I feel completely safe.
We're living on our roof now, it's the only space available.
Hey if you are going to rent it out you have make sure you sign the sheet down Out, he's supposed to say out.
Out.
No don't walk out.
Today I'm cleaning someone else's kitchen.
How did you end up in that situation? I said that I could mop and some lady chose me? - Wow - Yeah.
Ow! There is no one less skilled at this then me.
Yea, but you are the one that signed up to do it.
These people, they're basically just hiring art students to come and like watch their kids and mop their floors.
Uh, those kids, thank you.
Damn it.
Are you guys ready for everyone's minds to be blown? We're about to change lives and change animal's lives.
Go go go go go Interrupting your work day? Much? We showed up uninvited and unannounced, consider this a warning, we hate you.
You're going to think twice about what you do! Ha, oh my God, did you see that? Nothing happened.
Didn't they run out of the building, they must have been freaking out.
No, they're still even testing on animals, they just dumped a barrel of monkeys off the roof, dead monkeys.
Literally we just saw that.
I had the bull horn, is this working? It's absolutely working.
Sorry.
Damn it.
We just, we don't look serious.
I don't want to change now.
Whats up with your jacket.
You know when you want to put something draped on half way around your whole body to cover the waist area? What do want me looking like this? - No.
- No you want me like this.
We don't look like revolutionaries, we look like ravers.
That's yellow arms, big, smiley face legs, you know? This is what we chose.
Is it a parachute? Looks like a tent.
You guys didn't say anything when I got it.
You didn't say anything in the van, when I'm walking around and now use guys have issue with it, you got to say something.
You going to stand around? Why do you have a chicken bag? Is that a purse? We're not on the same page with protest strategy.
Well this is the wrong time to do it, don't you think? In a parking lot? I mean wow! I told you what we need to do, ok? What's that? I need to take my top off.
Listen, I know you want to do that, but that's way at the end somewhere you do it now It's not a real protest if no one has their top off, how do they know that this is supposed to mean something? We're supposed to shock them.
That's the grand finale, we got to save it until someone is actually watching, I can't just take your top off for us anymore.
We got to get attention with that.
How are they going to take that down? Pretty fast.
I don't think so.
Yea, there is already someone up there just taking it down.
Leave that alone.
Why is waving a smiling.
Katharine are you asleep? Nope.
What's wrong? I can't sleep.
Can I help you in anyway? I don't know but I probably am only getting one to two hours of sleep at night.
That's bad.
I read all of these articles if you lose sleep, you die.
Well I don't want us to die, ever.
It will just be me, you'll sleep through my death.
I sleep pretty great.
Yeah, I know.
How about this, why don't I coach you? You coach me with things, I can coach you right back.
I don't know if you can just coach sleep.
Sure you can.
How? Watch, ready? Sleep.
Atta girl sleep, good girl, sleep.
Does it look like I'm sleeping? No.
Close your eyes, there we go, there she is, off to sleep.
There she goes, there we go.
Dave this is very hard on my abs.
Just lie back a little bit on your shoulder, think of all the things you've got piling up in our life the bills, think of a leaky faucet, think of the door rattling downstairs, you gotta fix that door knob Is this how you sleep at night? Yeah.
Thinking about the stuff that we have to do? Yeah.
Arm up like this, kind of look at the clock.
Make a little bit of small talk, that kind of meaningless sort of, aimless conversation.
Is that what you do to me? It just helps, a sort of open ended question.
That was funny with the bushes today, wasn't it? That driveway seemed bigger today.
Oh no.
Ok now.
Did that work? oh in the bar and for once you me dreaming when the children count their sheep Are you done babe? Were your eyes not closed the whole time.
Those lyrics are wrong, you know that right? Those are the original medieval lyrics, I'll tell you some boring stories from my drive home.
Wait Dave, that's when I get tired, when I'm driving.
Oh.
Just concentrate on the sound of the road do do doo, and the town they are sleeping and the lamb sings a song through the Hi I'm, I'm Trish.
Oh, Jamie thinks this dog is really cool.
I love this dog so much.
This is Marley our rasta dog, he's available for adoption today.
What you did you do that for? You make the jerk chicken man.
He hates that.
What are you doing? Are you from Kingston man? Now this whole area is just booming right now.
Mixed use, live-work space.
It's just a big giant raw space.
Unreal, look at those windows.
Take a look, take a look around.
Wow, I can run, incredible.
This place is great.
A lot of space.
You know maybe this is a little sunken living room.
Sort of Dutch Japanese feel to it, if everything is low to the ground, that's a tommy room.
Is this all here? Yea that's the floor.
Ok, but could we get in it? Sure.
One of those screening rooms? Absolutely.
Why not? I don't think we ever need to discuss it, we'll take it.
Oh great, ok, well let's see we need first and last, then full month deposit, and that's $5,000 a month.
What's $5,000 a month? For the loft, it's $5,000 a month.
We just want this unit, we don't want the whole building.
No no the actual unit, the loft, all the space, $5,000.
I thought it was going to be $275.
Did somebody say 275, I don't know where that is coming from.
We can give you, $400 a month.
Perhaps you'd like a studio loft.
Alright don't play hard ball with us, she said 400.
You know I can show you some other units that are slightly smaller.
- No we'll figure - Let's just add another room mate, our bedroom is going to be back there.
Maybe you can build your room over there.
Yea, you know how to make things so we figure you can do that.
- Great.
- Cool.
Alright so That's going to be $1600 a month each.
- What? - How? Well you take 5,000 is how and divide it by three, that's a pretty good deal, I want to get you in here.
You guys can't have access to all our stuff but I mean that's just how it is.
- You know - Alright, let's do it.
So 5,000 divided by 5 tenants, that's $1,000 a month.
How? Are we in Morocco or something, what is with the haggling? Remember it was $5,000 now you have 5 tenants so, That is, yeah, I see that now.
Ok, so it looks like you've got that's what you wanted.
We did it, good work guys.
Ok, I am going to need just one more thing, I need a name to put on the lease.
I can't.
I have bad credit.
Yeah.
I can't, I mean, your dad is he? No he's pissed.
Yeah, always.
Oh, Josh you're good for it.
Right? Put the name Josh down.
Just Josh? J-O-S-H? Ok, sure, you have a deal.
have 18 keys made? Guys, I think this is going to work this time.
I can't wait to see their faces, they're going to be at work like 'we got all this stuff to do' and they are going to look up and go like "Ah, I'm quitting".
Everything is going to change, we are going to have to change our identities.
Good point.
We are going to have to change our names.
Yeah, what are you going to pick? Dakota.
Me too.
I was going to say Dakoto, for a male version.
What about you Brandon? You didn't think about it did you? Now what if the cops get you? What's going to happen? Now listen I'm sorry.
Yes? Oh know I just wanted to ask at what point you want me to take my top off? - Ah - We've seen it, I'm just saying We're good, ok, some other time.
Go go go We're back and this time we're puppets.
You ignored me before but now listen to this fat puppet of yourself.
You like my jacket? I guess I'll go out on my yacht.
I guess I'll go out on my boat, on my sail boat when I'm done with this, and then I will stop off at the bank.
Haha, oh my God did you see that? It looked festive, it looked like a pinata.
Yeah, I thought it was Mardi Gras.
That didn't have any effect at all? - No.
- Didn't they come screaming out of here like "Who made that puppet?" They started making margaritas.
Uh, huh.
Well Ok, we just got to do it over and over and over and one day they're going to be at their desk and their going to go.
Wait a minute.
That's the 100th time they've done this.
Maybe we're doing something wrong.
I think we need other props.
Well if that doesn't work, I have no idea what's going to work.
What you guys are doing is very important.
That's right.
But I think you need to go for a bigger target.
What do you know about corporations? Can I borrow the megaphone? Sure.
I know a place that harms humans! - Humans? - Kids! - Kids? - Kids! I think he escaped from a child labor camp.
They take away your stuff if you don't do something right.
Even if you like do all the chores and cleaning everything.
You're a child, right? Yes.
You're not an adult.
No, I'm not an adult.
And I'm part of that system.
I am one of their slaves.
They are the worst oppressors on the block.
Make sure they never do it again! You have no rights.
We're totally against that.
We can help you.
And I'm a really big fan.
I love the goose.
Nice job guys.
Let's do it! Let's do it! Yeah! Do you want to bring your scooter? - Oh yeah.
- I'll get it.
You get the scooter.
What kid just gets in a van? Candance.
Yes Tony.
It's that time of the month again.
Not for me.
It's not.
Uh no.
I meant paying the rent.
That's what I used to call it.
Paying the rent.
And believe me I haven't paid the rent in a long time.
Candance, we need to figure out a way to making the rent at this point.
Hmmm.
- Car wash.
- Car wash.
We need to make our rent.
Don't beep.
Let us wash your bike? Stop! Right here! Well don't slow down and then drive off.
Oh good.
- Hi sir.
- Hi.
- Just pull around or? - Yeah, right around there.
Ok.
Ok, so would you like your car today or tomorrow? Today.
Ok, so this is a rush job for today.
Do you want a ding dong wickedy window? Or a rim trim keep it slim? Or we also do a light bright tire and tudy.
Ok.
Do you want a light bright tire and tudy? I just said, "Yeah.
" - I don't over hear everything.
- I'm sorry, yes I would like.
- It's not my business.
- Ok.
Ok before we go inside the car we need to know.
And you've got to be truthful about this.
Do you have a dog in the car? No.
Has there ever been a dog in the car? Yes, I'm going to say yes.
How many dogs are in the car right now? No dogs are in the car right now.
Is there a dog in the trunk? No, there's no no.
No.
- Are you sure? - Yes.
Whereabouts are you from? Portland.
Oregon? Yeah.
Oh nice.
I work in real estate.
We're kind of in the real estate business.
Real estate of the mind.
We take a vacant space in someone's head and we fill it with literature.
That's beautiful, Tony.
That's beautiful.
You know, you guys are doing a really great job.
It really looks great.
I mean you guys have all the tools and the buckets and the hoses and the sponges.
I mean, what were you expecting? Like a playboy car wash? No.
I just meant that Like a tiny little triangle, little bikini with some bottom cleavage? Did you think we were going to be giggling and laughing for no reason? And like rock music playing.
And we're going to be in slow motion like Hey.
That this sponge is going to be dripping down my face.
That's what you're imagining right now? Just a slow wet drip? No.
When you do that with your hands I can feel them right on me.
Thanks guys.
Great job.
Candace, how did we do? Twelve dollars! That's great.
Only a 100 more car washes and we can pay the rent.
Yay! - You! - Ouch.
What? Ouch wait.
There's water in my ear.
I got water in my vagina.
Hey, so my friend has extra tickets to the Jay-Z concert tomorrow.
You wanna go? Oh yeah, that sounds great.
It sounds like it'd be fun.
Yeah, I think it will be.
Are you going to get that? Yes.
Ok, ok hold up, hold up.
Stop the track.
This is the part of the show where I like to pick someone out of the audience so they can tell me about their favorite moment in hip hop history.
How about this Rick Moranis looking dude over here? Ummm.
Say something.
Uh, it all started in LA? Fred.
Come on.
Should we all answer together? There, there were many hits? Carrie, Carrie wake up.
What's wrong? I think I missed hip hop.
What do you mean? Just, it passed me by.
Fred, hip hop's been big for like twenty-five years.
I can't go to that show.
Yeah, you can.
I don't want to be made the fool.
You have like fourteen hours until the show starts.
I can get you ready.
I can teach you.
How? It was mostly happening in New York City.
Like who? Who is that? Who did they have back then? Grand Master Flash, Sugar Hill Gang.
And were they really a gang? They were a group.
So was Sir-Mix-A-Lot in the Wu-Tang Clang? - Clan.
- Clan.
There's no G.
It's Wu-Tang Clan.
Wu-Tan Clan.
Is this a fad? Or is this here to stay? Hip hop? I understand it's won Grammy's? Right? Young MC won a Grammy.
Ok, Young MC? So there's a Grammy there.
So it's Grammy winning music, - right? - I wouldn't say What's Suge Knight? Ok.
Why don't you tell me what you remember about East Coast versus West Coast.
Uh, Queen Latifah is against the 2 Live crew.
They're two, like they're just cursing so much.
And then the Fat Boys are just like, "We're kind of the fattest guys around.
" And Notorious Big is like "I'm kind of a little fatter.
" Ok, name the members of the Wu-Tang Clan.
Chuck D is public enemy.
So Wu-Tang Clang is just.
Clan.
D-Z-A.
Dizzy.
ODB.
Yes, ODB.
What does that stand for? On duh Old Dirty Black man.
Ok, so Little Wayne.
The Carter.
That's like a four part series of albums.
Right.
You ok? A lot of cursing.
Well that's ok.
This guy is really mad.
Aww, this is the Dirty South because it sounds pretty dirty.
You're going to be so ready for the show.
Shh.
There's like a little play going now.
Oh, sometimes they do skits between songs.
Order in the court.
It sounds like it's pretty simplistic.
So this is kind of old school? Alright, alright.
I think I got it.
Hold up, hold up, stop the track, it's your boy, this is the part of the show I'd like to pick someone out of the audience so they can tell me about the favorite moment in hip hop history, what about you over there.
Fred, you got this, do it.
New York City 1977 - That was good - I liked it.
Yo, yo, yo, Rick Moranis hold up one second man, I heard what you said in there, that kind of like, it blew my mind.
Well it's just history you know, it's just there, I just accessed it, that's all.
That's easy for you to say you're a hip hop master mind.
Thank you brother.
- Wow you're very nice - Yeah.
Nice job Rick Moranis.
Want to get some tapas? You know what I miss the whole tapas craze.
Oh ok I'll tell you all about it.
Ok.
Mathew can do what ever he wants, he's 12, alright.
Jeez.
We're taking you down.
Respect private property, you have no right to go into Mathew's room.
Parents are spies, mom and dad lie-- Mathew, come out here please, did you have something to do with this? - Umm - He doesn't have to speak to you with out a lawyer present.
Mathew do you want me to take my shirt off? I guess that could work.
Mathew, honey you're 12, ok? And until you start doing own laundry I'm going to have to go in your room.
Is there somebody in that dresser? Yes! Brandon are you alright buddy? Are you nodding? That doesn't seem very safe, should we get him out? Is that a shrug, Brandon? Protest.
I knew this wouldn't work.
- You traitor.
- Yeah, we spent all night building your parents.
I know but Wait did you guys make all of this, who did the paper mache? This is really creative.
- I do wardrobe and then Benji - I do all the puppeteering so the idea is like, look in the mirror! - Ow, wait.
- Are you ok? Yeah.
Do you want me to help you with that? Wait.
- Oh, oh.
- We got you.
Ok.
I think there is a lot you guys can do with this, I mean look at all these people, they came to see you guys.
Brandon let me just describe what she, she's referring to a group of people from the neighborhood just kind of looking at us, just so you know.
- Hi.
- Hey.
We were trying to protest, them.
Maybe instead of protesting you guys could like, I don't know, celebrate? So you guys do we want to be revolutionaries or entertainers? Is that a shrug, Brandon? Happy birthday! High five! - Yeah.
- Make a wish.
Happy birthday! Uh hey everybody, attention please.
Guys? We are $800 short for rent this month, what we are going to do is we are gonna maybe have some band play and charge admission.
Alright so let's get those theater chairs moved.
Let's set up for the show.
So it's gonna be fun.