Raising Hope s04e02 Episode Script

Virginia? Virginia? Virginia? Guess how I got this.
Ooh, I love this game! "Guess how I got this" was a game my parents had been playing for years.
Guess how I got this.
Guess how I got this.
Guess how I got this.
- Guess how I got this.
- Mm, mm.
I don't want to brag, but I was sort of the inspiration for this game.
Guess how I got this.
I'm gonna guess that Sarah McLachlan freed all the lobsters from the seafood shack again.
Nope.
You won a bet with the governor of Maine.
Sabrina, Main Street doesn't have a governor.
You got to think before you guess.
You know, you guys are ruining this game.
Where'd you get the lobster, Burt? Tyler couldn't pay me for mowing his lawn, so he gave me this little fella.
Wow, Burt, I think you got the better end of that deal.
We could never afford lobsters at the store.
I know! Tyler says supermarkets have to overcharge because of all the middlemen they have to pay.
The delivery guy, the ice guy, those useless baggers and checkers.
- Oh, I hate those guys.
- Jimmy, we are those guys.
You should make this a regular thing with Tyler.
I'm gonna.
But I was thinking, why stop with lobster? This could be huge.
Think of the other things I could trade for.
Crabs, shrimp, mollusks.
No.
Think bigger.
I don't know.
Oysters.
Um, uh pelicans! Even bigger.
We could both trade services for stuff.
We'd be doing the same amount of work, but enjoying a much bigger return on the cool stuff.
That sounds great! You guys should find some tradable skills and join us.
Must be something you're good at.
I've gotten really good at avoiding ridiculous ideas, which is why we're gonna bow out.
Plus, we have Barney's first aid class tomorrow.
First aid class? What do you need that for? Yeah, first aid is just a scam dreamed up by the gauze and bandage people.
Or a proven life saver.
Yeah, and since Hope spends so much time here, we think you guys ought to check out the class, too, for Hope's sake.
Jimmy, kids get hurt They scrape their elbows, they cut their finger, they fall through a hole in the bottom of your car.
Nothing you can do to avoid it.
Besides, we got a perfectly good first aid kit right here.
See? LA-LA! "Shoot flare, eat sandwich, wait for help.
" I don't know.
Maybe they're right.
Maybe we should just skip the class and Jimmy.
Oh, my.
Oh, the years have not been kind to this turkey salad sandwich.
Season 4, Episode 2 "Burt Bucks" Synced by Reef The next day, my parents put their bartering plan into action, and it actually worked.
They got things they needed.
They got things they didn't need.
And they got things that were long overdue.
Rinse.
Most importantly, they got things they had always dreamt about.
Oh, if we have maple syrup this incredible here, why do we even talk to Canada? Oh, man.
Barb, what you're doing right now is actually making me look forward to cleaning your drain hair.
Hey, Virginia, check out my new lid.
Old lady Stevens made this for me for cleaning out her pool.
This bartering thing it's the greatest thing ever.
I know.
Massages, lobsters, crocheted hats.
It's like we're barter-aires! I was thinking.
What if the people who are trading with us started trading with each other? Yeah.
Natesville would become a place where the good things in life actually trickle up to the people who do all the work.
A trickle-up economy.
I think that's a thing.
No.
I'm thinking tickle me Elmo.
You all may wonder why I'm qualified to teach this class.
Well, I learned a thing or two from the trusty scouts.
They would often administer first aid after they beat the tarnation out of me.
I suppose I was an easy target.
Overweight, asthmatic, anemic and wildly color blind.
You're late.
Is everything all right? I just got this postcard from my mother.
"Ecuador.
Wish you were here.
" Oh, she's being nice this time.
Yeah.
Turn it over.
"Because forehead reduction surgery "is super cheap in Ecuador.
Love, Tams.
" - Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie.
- Yeah.
Really, I should be flattered.
I mean, even in tropical paradise, she's thinking about my flaws.
Unfortunately, I took six brutal beatings before I learned there was no merit badge for cruelty, and I'd been letting the scouts pummel me for no real reason.
Hey, everybody.
Check out my big cans.
You all remember Josh.
He's back after a couple years away.
Seal Team Six.
Josh is amazing with grocery humor.
He does a similar joke with jugs.
Once my parents had gathered all of Natesville's skilled workers, they attempted to lay out the plan.
It took a while for some of them to understand.
Hi.
My name's Phil, and I'm an alcoholic.
Hi, Phil.
Phil, for the second time, that's not why we're here.
Oh.
For the past few days, Virginia and I have enjoyed a lifestyle that previously was beyond our reach.
How did we do it, Burt? - Through barter.
- Oh In fact, after only a few hours of lawn work, I was able to trade for something that was heretofore only available to tycoons and walruses.
- Oh - What is it? Well, look under your chairs and find out! Is that a lobster? That's right.
You get a lobster! You get a lobster! You get a lobster! No! Make it stop! Sorry about the paper towel.
I don't believe in gauze.
The thing we're trying to say is, I was able to trade for all these lobsters because we cut out the middleman.
I didn't have to pay the delivery guy, or the claw-rubber banderer guy.
Sorry again, Barb.
And we're inviting you to do the same thing, and not just with us, but with each other.
Because the more people that are involved, the more people benefit.
And again, this is not a pyramid scheme.
Although if you make pyramids, you're welcome to join our scheme.
Uh, I mean, system.
So, are you saying I can trade old lady Stevens lobsters for a crocheted suit in a 42 slim? Oh, honey, that's not gonna work.
I'm allergic to crustaceans.
That's easy.
I mow your lawn, you give Tyler the suit, Tyler gives me the lobsters.
Again, I can't stress enough, this is not a pyramid scheme.
And Clara Barton said, "You know what? I will.
" And that, I think, covers the origins of first aid.
Oh, I can't believe that took an hour and 45 minutes.
Oh, well, let's move quickly to choking.
Now, here are the most common choking hazards.
Finally, some food.
I'm starving.
Jimmy? Jimmy? Jimmy? I think James is really choking! Okay, nobody panic.
Has anyone here ever actually done the Heimlich? - Yes.
- I've only ever done it with my special body pillow.
Oh, it's no use.
My hands are slipping! Damn my vain compulsion to moisturize! My hands are beautiful, but useless! Oh, my God.
Jimmy's wife just saved his life.
What a wuss! Hey, Jimmy, what's next? Are you gonna start peeing sitting down? Okay, you know what? Can you just cut it out, Josh? Okay, okay, calm down.
They're not gonna kill him.
They're jokes, not grapes.
I apologize, Jimmy.
If I don't laugh along with his jokes, he'll start making fun of me again.
As you know, I'm a veritable minefield of mockable traits.
It's all right, Frank.
Yo, Frank, you coming? Yeah.
I was just pointing Jimmy towards the sanitary napkins.
I'm so sorry.
Hey, are you okay? Hey, you know, I'm not a baby, Sabrina, all right? I-I can take care of myself.
What was that all about? I'm afraid you saved his life, but in the process, you may have killed his manhood.
Well, he was choking.
What was I supposed to do? Well, you could have waited for the professionals to show up.
It's not like a few less brain cells is gonna cost him a Pulitzer.
Oh, okay, so, I should just wait for him to choke in public again, and then not save him? Oh, that could take days, and I don't think he's got that kind of time.
You've got to help him get his masculinity back.
- How am I supposed to do that? - Why are you asking me? I have two mothers, no wife, and those scouts who used to beat me up were girls.
We've got a problem, Burt.
I gave Barb a lobster, but she only massaged the left side of my body.
It only took me one to realize I don't really like lobster.
Turns out, I just really like melted butter.
But now my left side is relaxed, and my right side is tense as hell.
Okay, we can figure this out.
Burt, look at this.
I totally get it.
You're a mechanic with a spare tire.
Apparently, an oil change is only worth half a sweater now.
Knitting a sweater takes a long time.
Just be happy it covers your man boobs.
At least they're not bouncing off my knees, you useless bag of wrinkles.
We can work this out.
First, Phil, apologize to your mother.
Unfortunately, there were more than a few people that had a problem with mom and dad's plan.
So they brought everyone together and tried to figure things out.
Okay, so if Tyler gives two lobsters to Barb, and Barb gives a third of a massage to Dr.
Conway, and Dr.
Conway cleans four of Pam, the fortune teller's teeth Right, and she gives half of next week's lottery numbers to Phil, Phil fixes syrup Sam's truck in exchange for six pancakes worth of syrup to old lady Stevens.
Who makes a crocheted hat for Wait.
Who needs a crocheted hat? Our micro economic group may be experiencing a hat bubble.
Maybe we don't have to trade one particular service for another? Maybe there's something we can create that represents the value of services rendered.
Like colored beads or a piece of paper.
- Paper's a good idea.
- That's pretty cool.
But to make it even more official We should put someone's face on it! Now, who could that be? To bring their barter system to the next level, my parents went down to Lee's copy shop and had him print up hundreds of Burt bucks.
There's plenty to go around.
Trust me, this'll make everything easier.
They come in threes, sevens and 11's.
Those are Burt's lucky numbers.
___ No You are.
Oh, that's good.
Jimmy! Jimmy, help! Oh! I'll get you! Oh, my God! Hey, Frank! Stop! Frank! Stop! Oh, my God.
Ha! Classic! Congratulations, Jimmy.
You're about to go from being the biggest idiot in the store to the biggest on the Internet.
No, you are! Well done, James.
You're a hero.
If you hadn't caught the dangling Sabrina, she may have broken a log.
Wait, that doesn't make any sense.
Oh.
A leg.
Or Cut off her head? Wait a minute.
You guys faked this? Bet that's not the only thing she has to fake.
Sorry, I thought Josh was still here.
Well, I'm off to my mani-pedi.
Can you spot me a few Burt bucks? No.
I spent my last ones on a crochet lesson from old lady Stevens, so I can make this toilet seat cozy.
Ooh, that's gonna be great in winter, but if you're out of Burt bucks and I'm out of Burt bucks, then we got a problem.
I guess you're just gonna have to mow more lawns and I'm gonna have to clean more houses.
But my mani-pedi's today.
I've got so many paper cuts from handling all those Burt bucks, I'm getting a hot paraffin wax dip.
I can't miss that, Virginia, I just can't.
Doesn't seem fair.
If there's anyone who should never run out of Burt bucks, it's Burt.
There's got to be a way we can bail ourselves out of this.
What if we just print ourselves some extra Burt bucks? I mean, that's good for everyone, because the more we spend, the more everyone else will have to spend.
I'm no Warren "Buffet," but I bet that's just the thing to stimulate our bartering economy.
Reading those money magazines while you're on the can in the fancy houses you clean is really paying off.
I've got the brains and you've got the looks let's make lots of money you've got the brawn I've got the brains let's make lots of I've had enough of scheming and messing around with jerks my car is parked outside I'm afraid it doesn't work I'm looking for a partner someone who gets things fixed ask yourself this question do you want to be rich? Let's I've got the brains Make You got the looks let's make lots of money oh, yeah Let's You've got the brawn Make I've got the brawn let's make lots of money Oil change is done.
Change it again! That was amazing.
Yeah.
Now that we've made sweet love on paper money, it's gonna be really hard to go back to coins.
I can't believe this.
I'm all over the Internet.
I've got 58 views, and every time I check it, it gets higher.
Look at this! 59! How many times have you checked it? I don't know, 50, 55.
I don't want to be dramatic, about this, but Sometimes I wish you had just let me die in that first aid class.
Jimmy, look What was that? I think there's somebody in the garage.
Really? Your little stunt in the grocery store wasn't enough? - Oh, come on.
- No.
A masked burglar? I mean, what What is this, Scooby-doo? Jimmy, I Josh? How could you hire the guy who makes the most fun of me to make me feel even worse about myself? I did not hire him.
I think he's actually trying to rob us.
Oh, yeah, like I'm supposed to believe that this is real.
Jimmy! Why does this keep happening? You should be ashamed.
What would your brothers at Seal Team Six have to say about this? Probably, "Who's Josh?" Because I was obviously lying about that.
I was in prison, you idiots.
So you just got out of prison and you're already trying to rob us? Big house, tiny wife, wimpy husband It's what every home invader dreams of.
Oh, great.
Now the police and everyone in town are gonna know that you saved me one more time.
I'm never gonna be able to live this down.
Jimmy, we could just tell everybody that you saved me, okay? Who's gonna know? - I'll know.
- I'll know, too.
You know what? Maybe a little duct tape is gonna shut you up In about Jimmy, wha What is this? Oh, those? Uh that's That's nothing.
I'll-I'll get those.
Wait, but these are all addressed to me why haven't I seen them? Maybe Hope put them in here you know that she likes to play mailman and hoarder.
It's more of those postcards from my mom.
What are they doing out here? I always, um, hide them in here before you see them, because I know how much they upset you.
I'm sorry.
What was that for? Because you committed a federal crime to protect my feelings.
Oh, Jimmy, don't you see? I may have saved you a couple times, but You save me every day.
I miss my prison husband.
- What? - Nothin'.
Burt, we've done it! We are livin' the good life.
And even though I haven't eaten anything but lobster, butter and maple syrup for the last three days, I have never felt better.
You know, I was thinking, while lobster is pretty damn good, what does Tracetown have that Natesville doesn't? Reading level of a third grade country.
No, something we don't have.
Delicious ribs.
It's time to expand our system, bring other towns in.
Which would mean more goods and services.
And not just ribs.
We could get pies.
Or a dermatologist.
A guy who makes keys.
Hey, Chances.
Hey, Tyler.
Lookin' sharp! Pour yourself a glass of maple syrup.
Oh, I'm good.
Uh, let me ask you, you didn't print up any extra Burt bucks, did you? We're not saying we did, but if we did Why would that be a problem? I had a feeling.
You flooded the market.
You're welcome.
It's not good.
I sold my last lobster for 4,000 Burt bucks.
Didn't you learn anything from the hyper-inflation fiasco in Zimbabwe? We didn't do it the Zim-Bob-way, we did it our way.
I'm sorry, guys, Burt bucks are worthless; I can't accept them anymore.
See you around.
Well, that's just one guy.
It shouldn't matter.
System's too big It can't fail.
But it wasn't just one guy, and it only took a couple hours for the entire system to fail.
Once lobster was out, big syrup fell, and then the entire crochet industry unraveled.
Pretty soon, my parents were left holding the bag Or, in this case, several wheelbarrows filled with worthless paper.
I guess if you think about this purely in terms of wheelbarrows, we came out way ahead.
- And nobody really got hurt.
- True.
Hello? Oh, hello! Mr.
Lee? What are you doing here? Well, I need to get paid for the printing.
No problem.
Can I pay you in Burt bucks? That's very funny! What can I do with all the play money? I can't pay rent, I can't buy ink, and it's far too rough for toilet paper.
- You need to take care of this.
- Okay.
Interesting.
Mm-hmm.
Let me ask you this.
Do you take wheelbarrows? Mom and dad's bartering system finally worked Just not how they planned.
They lived the high life for one week, but it cost them 50,000 hours of landscaping and cleaning.
Burt, when you're done, there are more hedges behind the building.
Nice! Well, on the bright side, this won't be our problem forever.
After we're gone, our children and our children's children will be paying off our debts to the Chinese printer.
Well, it's a good thing people smarter than us are running the real government.
Synced by Reef