Remington Steele (1982) s04e02 Episode Script

- Last week on Remington Steele.
- John Murrell, France.
Paul Fabrini, Italy.
Douglas Quintain, England.
How much do you know about the boss? - Before you two hooked up.
- To S.
J.
from K.
L.
One of these must be your father.
I have a feeling that I never knew who my father really was.
I've never even seen my birth certificate.
- Scotland Yard is after me.
- Well, it sounds like you've been a naughty boy.
- I haven't done anything.
- Operator? I'd like the number of Scotland Yard, please.
I'm afraid I can't look the other way on these.
I do hope he has a passport in his real name.
I've come up with a name for one of the initials on the watch.
Kevin Landers.
He's the earl of Claridge.
Wouldn't that be a corker if it turned out I was related to royalty? - I hope you're prepared.
- Prepared? For what? Why, darling, you're going to kill the earl of Claridge.
Wait here.
Who are they? New friends.
What's all this gibberish about my killing the earl of Claridge? Aren't you even going to thank me for saving your life? I didn't know it was in danger.
I want some answers, Felicia.
And you can begin by telling me why you set the coppers on me.
- They were coming back.
- Who? Hawkins and Blore.
They were already suspicious of me.
If they'd found out that you were the great detective Remington Steele it would have been over for both of us.
As it is, they saw you make your unceremonious exit from my flat.
So naturally they wanted to know who you were and why Scotland Yard was after you.
Ah! I have a feeling we are getting to the interesting part.
Come on.
Tell me.
Well, if I hadn't given the right answer we would have both been dead on the spot.
I see.
And what did you tell them, Felicia? That you were the man we were waiting for.
Oh, I see.
And who exactly is that? The finest assassin in Europe.
Let's go.
Fellas, let's back this up and talk it through, shall we? You'll do your talkin' to the head man.
We don't have to bother him, do we? I mean, surely the three of us can settle this.
If you don't come up with the right answers, mate, we'll settle things.
- Daniel? - Harry? - You're the head man? - You're the assassin? If it's not too much trouble, would you mind telling me what the bloody hell I'm doing here? By heaven, it's good to see you again.
It's been too long.
Far too long.
Oh, I see.
What have I stumbled into this time, Daniel? The sweetest opportunity to come down the pike in years.
Delighted you could be a part of it.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
I see you're eager for details.
Good sign.
Who are those, for want of a better word, gentlemen outside? Miners.
Until recently, they toiled for the earl of Claridge.
However, there were strikes and general unpleasantness.
And rather than give in to their demands, the earl closed the mines.
So, wanting merely to return to work in peace and harmony they decided to kill him.
How would that help get the mines reopened? The logic of that escapes me, too but then social protest never was my strong suit.
At any rate, being new at this sort of labor negotiation they needed someone to mastermind the undertaking- No pun intended.
I hadn't realized that you'd graduated to murder, Daniel.
Then you don't know me as well as you think, Harry.
Murder is far too primitive for my taste.
The fact is, the earl's impending wedding will assemble under one roof the finest array of jewels on the continent.
My dear Harry why not use these poor misguided souls to help Felicia and me pull off the robbery of the century? Oh, dear me.
Tell me, um how did you and Felicia meet? Kismet.
Lovely lady.
Don't you agree? Yes, she's had her moments.
I hope the two of you will be very happy together.
Now if you'll make my apologies, I'll be on my way.
Oh, I'm afraid it's not as simple as that, Harry.
You see, I agreed to supply these, uh labor negotiators an assassin.
Well, just tell them I'm not the one you were expecting.
But unfortunately, there is no assassin.
I mean, they never would meet with the man, for obvious reasons and he had this great need to keep his identity secret.
Once you and Felicia took off with the jewels, what were they gonna do? Complain to the police you didn't live up to your end of the bargain? Is that it? Your arrival puts a slight crimp in the plan.
Daniel, I have no intention, whatsoever, of assassinating the earl.
He could be a very close relative of mine.
Do you realize that? Really? You don't have an invitation to the wedding, do you? One way or another, you, sir, are gonna straighten this whole thing out.
- Outside! - What is it? - Move! - What- They call us radicals.
They call us terrorists.
They call us thugs.
Our union has expelled us.
The authorities hunt us.
But do we quit? No.
! Because we're right.
Our cause is just.
Our target clear.
But there's someone here who would destroy all we're trying to accomplish.
Someone who came to us under false pretenses.
Someone who tried to worm his way into our confidence.
And then, at the first opportunity, betray us.
Well, there's only one answer for someone like that.
Have you anything to say? - Stirring speech.
- You agree? - There are a few portions I'd like to mull over.
- No time.
- You're probably wondering what I'm doing here, aren't you? - I know what you're doing here.
And what you will do here.
Take him! You were going to the coppers, weren't you, Wilson? You were gonna tell them all about our plans for His Lordship.
Trade your hide for our lives.
Wasn't that it, Wilson? No, you've got it all wrong.
I- - Do the honors.
- Me? It's your stock-in-trade, isn't it? Go on, or we might think you came to us under false pretenses.
- I can't.
- Why not? I, uh- I make it a rule never to pull a trigger unless I'm paid to do it first.
Spoken like a true professional.
Only talk's cheap.
You've gotta prove you're who you say you are.
Toodle-oo, Wilson.
If you can't convince them you're the assassin they'll be saying toodle-oo to us too.
In that case, get me a watermelon.
- A watermelon? - A watermelon.
Miss Holt? Where are you going? He's done it to me for the last time.
- Done what? - Left me in the lurch.
Hung me out to dry.
Let me twist in the wind.
You're welcome to join me, Mildred, on the road back to sanity.
Wait a minute.
Hold the phone.
You promised to tell me what's going on with Mr.
Steele- the boss- him.
You saw those passports.
You did a background check on those names.
Michael O'Leary, art thief.
Richard Blaine, jewel thief.
And the rest, Lord only knows.
But none of them Remington Steele.
And do you know why none of them is Remington Steele? - I'm staying tuned.
- Because Remington Steele doesn't exist.
I invented him.
Made him up out of whole cloth.
He's a figment of my imagination.
I'm not really stupid if none of this makes sense, am I? No one would take a female private detective seriously.
Sam Spade.
Philip Marlowe.
Charlie Chan, for God's sake.
That's everyone's perception of a private eye.
A woman couldn't possibly function in that world.
So I invented a superior a decidedly masculine superior.
And it worked, Mildred.
Brilliantly.
Until he showed up.
With his blue eyes and mysterious past.
- You know how I met him? - I'm afraid to ask.
You should be.
He was attempting to steal the collection of jewels I was hired to protect.
And before I knew it, he found me out and assumed Remington Steele's identity.
Well, who is he? A fraud.
The man you worshipped, adored, fawned over is a sham.
A fake.
- A phony.
- You sure know how to let a girl down easy.
I hated to do it, Mildred, but it's time to face facts.
He's gone again! And this time, even if he comes back- begging, pleading for a second chance- No way, Jose.
I've done it once before without Remington Steele in the picture and I'll do it again.
Yes, this is Laura Holt.
Can you have my bill ready, please? Yeah.
Okay.
Oh, I gotta tell ya, Miss Holt, I am absolutely shocked.
- Good.
- Disillusioned.
- Terrific.
- Outraged.
- Great.
- At you! - Me? - Yes, you.
- I'm not the fraud.
- You're worse.
Something kept him from meeting us and he's out there alone without a passport and probably in some kind of trouble.
Do you think so? Oh, you can't turn your back on him, honey.
Watch me.
This is a lot lighter than when I arrived.
No matter who he is or what he was you gotta admit one thing, he's been one damn good Remington Steele.
And he deserves more than "au revoir," "auf Wiedersehen" and "so long, sucker.
" I know.
But it felt so good there just for a minute.
All right, I think I know one place to find him.
You man the phones in case Captain Chameleon deigns to call in.
Mildred, would you mind unpacking for me? You got it.
Ah, Laura Holt.
Miss Holt.
What's going on? His Lordship has received some threats to his life.
Surely you don't suspect me? Inspector Lombard's orders.
- Your Lordship.
- How pleasant to see you again, Miss Holt.
I was wondering if a- a friend of mine has been here.
He's tall, rather good looking with dark hair.
No.
What would he want with me? He came to England to trace his past.
It can best be described as murky.
He did, however, have one tangible link.
Someone sent it to him with a note: "Your father always wanted you to have this.
" Um- Oh, my God.
The inscription is a little difficult to read.
To S.
J.
from K.
L.
I know, on occasion, you've used the name Kevin Landers.
This friend of yours, how old is he? - Early 30s.
- Raised where? Ireland, for the most part.
Do you know who he is? Very likely- my son.
Your friend, where is he? I- I don't know.
I'm trying to find him.
All these years.
All these wasted years.
I was no more than a boy myself.
There was a young Irish girl worked on the estate.
Terrible disgrace.
She took the child back to Ireland refused any help, eventually disappeared.
I only saw my son once.
Sorry to intrude, Your Lordship.
There's a gentleman to see you.
Something about a presentation at the wedding reception.
Yes, yes.
I'll be along in a minute.
May I have that for a little while? Of course.
Bertie Carstairs, your 'umble servant, sir.
Oh.
! Oh.
! Sorry, Your Lordship.
Bit of the black lung, you know.
But I'm proud to have got it in one of your mines.
Yes, I understand that you're here about the presentation, Mr.
Carstairs.
That I am, sir.
That I am.
It'll be my privilege to lead a delegation of the loyal and faithful.
I'll speak a few words extolling the many wonderful things you done for us all.
Then, on behalf of all the miners at leastwise them as ain't out to kill you I'll present you with a gold-plated shovel.
A symbol, you might say of our gratitude to you for allowin' us to dig your coal.
I'm most appreciative, Mr.
Carstairs.
Not only of your fine gift, but also your spirited support.
I only hope and pray, Your Lordship that I can help make your weddin' the most unforgettable day of your life.
- I hope one of us knows what you're doing.
- Day of theJackal.
Jackals will be feeding on our carcasses if you don't pull this off.
Edward Fox, Michael Lonsdale.
Universal, 1973.
Fox portrays a master assassin.
In order to test the accuracy of his weapon, he uses a melon.
Trust me, the effect is stunning.
Yes, darling, but first you have to hit the melon.
- Shall we? - Get it.
What do you propose I do? Beat His Lordship to death? Security's so tight, you couldn't slip a toothpick into that place, so- Breech.
Muzzle.
Trigger.
Cost us a pretty penny, this did.
- You get one shot.
- Done correctly that's all it will take.
Adjustment.
Adjustment.
Bullet.
Last chance, mate.
- Quite wonderful.
Congratulations.
- Thanks you.
- Knew you could do it.
- Thank you.
Haul it on down, love.
Come on! That looks a good deal like your associate, Linda.
- Lisa.
- Laura.
Shh! Oh, you sneak up behind me in the middle of all this and you say, "Shh.
" You'll never believe what I've been through, Mildred.
- Come on.
- Oh! I found you know who by following Daniel Chalmers.
- He's here too? - Shh! - He bought a watermelon.
- Uh-huh? And took it to this- this compound filled with armed men.
And then, you know who- Oh, look, Miss Holt, can't we call him Mr.
Steele just for the sake of clarity? Mr.
Steele shot the watermelon with a shovel.
Look, let me see if I can get you some water.
I know how it sounds, Mildred.
But believe me, I saw it with my own eyes.
Then the armed men chased me.
But I didn't want to come back to the hotel until you made sure it was safe.
Whatever's going on has something to do with the earl of Claridge.
He's received death threats.
- Oh, but you don't think Mr.
Steele- - I don't know.
But regardless of that, he's a royal bastard.
Oh, Miss Holt.
I know that you're angry with him, but I think that's out of line.
No, Mildred.
He's literally a royal bastard.
The earl fathered an illegitimate child and, as strange as it may seem, Mr.
Steele appears to be it.
Does that mean we have to call him Your Lordship? There are a great many things I'd like to call him, but that's not on the top of my list.
- There she is.
- Right.
- Two of the men who were chasing me.
- Go ahead.
I'll handle it.
- We'll regroup at the hotel.
- Okay.
He won't call it off.
Apparently we're all in this to the death, even if it's ours.
I have to know if Laura made it, Daniel.
Well, the men aren't back yet.
That's a good sign.
No.
I'll need to know more than that, mate.
Don't do anything foolish, Harry.
Not only isn't Armstrong playing with a full deck he can't even find the cards.
Don't worry about it.
Gentlemen we have yet to settle one minor detail.
- What's that? - My fee.
- Name it.
- One million pounds.
A million? - Take it or leave it.
- We ain't got nowhere near that.
- Then the deal's off.
- But we'll get it.
You will? Nothing's gonna stand in the way of you killing the earl.
Miss Holt.
Have you managed to locate your friends? I have a good idea where he is, but I haven't been able to put my hands on him yet.
Katherine must know nothing of this until I can sort things out with my son.
I understand, Your Lordship.
About these threats against your life.
Disgruntled miners.
Lunatic fringe if you ask me.
They wanted me to give them half ownership of the mines.
When I refused, they began a reign of sabotage.
Even blew up some of the tunnels.
A great many innocent people were killed.
Rather than risk more deaths, I closed the mines.
Then they accused me of throwing them out of work and vowed to kill me.
Perhaps it would be wise if you postponed your marriage until these people are caught.
Miss Holt, there was a period- a bleak, dark period- when I was afflicted by drink and unhappiness.
Then I met Katherine and fell in love.
Have you ever been in love, Miss Holt? I'm working on it.
It's like being reborn.
I cannot do anything to give Katherine the slightest reason to doubt my love.
That's why the wedding must go forward as planned.
Another fine mess.
Where there's a way in, there's a way out.
Nice and quiet.
They won't even know what hit 'em.
All right, everybody, this is a robbery! Put your hands up! Over to that corner.
! Come on, everybody in that corner.
! What the hell did you do that for? - Uh, I just got carried away.
I'm sorry.
- Open the safe.
He can't.
No one can.
Once it's closed for any reason, only someone from the main office can reopen it.
Oh, rotten luck.
Shall we just toodle off? You got till the count of five.
Then I'll open him up.
I told you it's out of my hands.
Really, gentlemen, this is not cricket.
One, two- You heard him.
He can't open it.
Three, four- Let me have a crack at it! Let me have a crack at it.
Hold on.
It's fine.
Okay, it's fine.
All right? Just hold up.
Uh, excuse me, sir, could you turn off the alarm? It makes it a bit difficult to hear.
Only the police can do that.
Dreadfully sorry.
Oh, yeah.
Congratulations.
You've just added bank robbery to our list of accomplishments.
Tell me, darling.
If there were no Laura in your life- See? I got it right that time- would there be room for me? Well, Laura is in my life.
At least I think she is.
I must admit, though not for publication that it's all been quite empty without you, Michael, all rather shabby- no matter how sumptuous the setting or generous the partner.
I should never have let you go.
I should have clung to you.
I should have fought for you.
Will you give me that opportunity now? I'm flattered.
But uninterested? Let's just say, um previously committed.
Oh.
Odd that's the one thing that none of the rest of us could ever squeeze out of you no matter how persuasive we were.
Believe me, Felicia, I wasn't planning on it.
Good night.
Sleep well.
I'm all for social reform but to tell ya the God's honest, I'd rather have the million.
Why can't we have both? Well, you've gotta pay the man for his work.
Not if he's dead, we don't.
- All set.
- He pulls the trigger and the whole works blows up in his face.
Then who's gonna do the earl? Me.
I'm gonna rub some of this on His Lordship and when our big-time killer blows himself to smithereens you douse the lights.
They'll hustle His Lordship out to protect him and I'll be waiting sightin' in on that nice big target glowin' in the dark - just begging to be hit.
- With what? Ya can't get no weapons into that place.
Don't have to.
They're already there.
Here's to the best kind of social reform the kind that pays a million quid.
So, in conclusion let me say without fear of contradiction that the earl of Claridge and his handsome new bride will live in peace and harmony, till death do them part.
Hear! Hear! Her Ladyship and I will always treasure this truly remarkable gift.
That's a right fine piece of material, Your Lordship.
Wool blend, I'd say.
Yes, yes.
Thank you.
And now why don't you gentlemen avail yourself of whatever we have to offer? What are you waiting for? Arrest them.
Well, unless they make some overt move against His Lordship I'm afraid I can only charge them with the bank robbery.
In which case, your Mr.
Steele will probably also go to prison.
How long do you think he might get? Get behind Armstrong.
When I fire into the ceiling, you clobber him.
I'll take care of Hawkins and Blore, okay? Look at all those baubles.
- Daniel- - Harry, allow me my pain.
Canapé creep.
Mildred.
- How could you? - Huh? I believed in you, revered you followed you around like a faithful puppy.
If I had a tail, I would have wagged it every time you came into a room.
Mildred, this is no time to talk about pets.
Is Miss Holt in attendance too? She told me about you.
You fake.
You phony! You fraud! Mildred, can we talk about my deceit at a less awkward moment, hmm? Linda! Good to see you again.
Let's have lunch soon? You and your star pupil are in over your heads this time.
You don't know the half of it.
Well, I'm through fighting with you for him.
When this is finished, you can have him.
At the moment, that's hollow consolation.
Some people don't know when to pack it in.
He's through with you, darling.
He told me so right after we made love by a beautiful little lake.
- Thank you.
- For what? For giving me the incentive to keep on fighting.
Now move it, blondie, before I dent your grille.
No! Best get you out of here, my lord.
- What the hell are you doing? - I wasn't going to let you kill your own father! I was trying to save- My father? The earl of Claridge is my father? Happy birthday.
Your Lordship.
! It's Armstrong.
Toodle-oo, Armstrong.
Relax.
Everything's going to be just fine.
Laura, it isn't every day you get to meet your father.
I mean, for the first time.
Wonderful man, the earl.
His gratitude was boundless.
After all, you did save his life.
He's thinking of putting me in charge of security for the estate.
- Daniel- - Oh, nothing definite.
We're merely discussing it.
- Oh.
- Well, my boy, good luck.
I hope this brings you everything you've always wanted.
Linda, my dear, I'm afraid we shall have to postpone our luncheon.
I shall be extremely busy- looking at alarm systems, laser beams, light sensors.
You know, the stuff of security.
Well.
All right.
Don't slouch.
Hello.
You've no idea how many years I've waited for this.
I, uh- I think I do.
Ever since I was a child I realized that I wasn't like other children well, in the sense that, uh I had no parents, no real parents, no true home.
Um, I was always trying to imagine what my real father was like.
Creating, re-creating his image, you know how he- how he talked, how he walked how he smiled.
I regret many things but none more severely than losing you.
There's time.
There's much time.
Let me look at you.
Good firm jaw.
Blue eyes.
- Your Lordship? - What is it? - Your eyes.
- What about them? - They're blue.
- Is-Is that a problem? My son has hazel eyes, like his mother.
Are you sure? You said you only saw him once.
I, uh- I don't think, uh a father could make that mistake so easily - could he, Your Lordship? - No.
Are you saying he isn't your- But he's the right age.
And-And he was raised in Ireland.
And the watch.
What about the watch? Well, the initials S.
J.
stand for Sean James, the boy's name.
I gave it to a friend to make sure he received it when he came of age.
Well, there you are.
However, the watch was lost or stolen.
When you turned up with it, I naturally assumed it had found its way back to my son.
- Well, that would make sense.
- What does? My father probably stole the watch.
I'm truly sorry, Mr.
Steele for both our sakes.
Shall we, Miss Holt? I think we have a long way to go.
Good day, sir.
I'm so sorry.
Ironic, isn't it? I come here to find out my real name offer it to you as proof of my commitment.
And now not only are we still in the dark as to who I am but I no longer know who I was.
I tried, but Inspector Lombard won't give back your passports.
Do you like London, Laura? I haven't exactly hit the usual tourist attractions.
Well, it seems to me if our relationship is to continue, it'll have to be here.
Miss Holt, bo- It seems you haven't forgiven me my deception yet.
To tell you the truth, I don't know how I feel.
I guess it's gonna take some time to straighten all this out.
Anyway, here you go.
Oh, thank you.
What is this? It's sort of a consolation present from us for not ending up the son of an earl.
Just what I need to get over my trauma- a shirt.
Or a handkerchief.
Socks maybe? I guess you earned it.
Many happy returns, Mr.
Steele.
Oh, girls, I'm touched.
Thank you.