Schitt's Creek (2015) s04e02 Episode Script

(Birds chirp) Alexis: Okay, so I'm thinking like, Season five Carrie Bradshaw, like, super professional and polished, but also like, chill and flirty in an impossibly expensive sort of way.
You do know that this is your first day at Elmdale College, and not Vogue, right? Hush, David, because Jocelyn said that only her top students go to Elmdale.
Okay, I think that says more about Jocelyn as a teacher than it does her students.
Kids, it's garbage day.
Oh good, ours is full.
Okay, I've told you both a thousand times, tie up the bags and leave them outside your door! Okay, but I like, just put something in it that made it full, though.
Yeah, and you're already wearing your little gloves, though.
Okay, do me a favour, David, and don't mention this to dad, 'cause I haven't chosen my courses yet, and if he finds out he's just gonna like, buzz around until I ask him his opinion.
And no offense to him, but I don't want it.
This is the same college where Malala gave that devastating commencement speech, right? I don't know, David, maybe he did.
Anyway, I have a lot of big changes happening in my life right now, so I'd appreciate it if you were a little bit more onside.
Okay.
(Door opens and shuts) - Where'd Alexis go? - She went for a run, apparently there are some really big changes happening in her life right now.
Yeah, I should say so.
Why are you waving a thermometer in my face? - It's a pregnancy test.
- Ewww! What?! Well, it's a smiley face, so I'm assuming it's a positive result.
Well, that's presumptuous.
Are we a 100% sure it's hers? Well, this test is a 100% sure it's someone's! Oh, are you serious? I was ready to stop after one! Come to think of it, she has been very up and down lately, but I've been just chalking that up to the fact that her personal life is like a steaming pile of - Someone needs to talk to her! - Well, don't look at me, I'm pretty sure she already knows it's a mistake! No, I'll talk to her.
Yes, I'll tell her she has no right to lay this financial and psychological burden on us! Well, maybe I'll talk to her Now she has to move into one of those homes - for unwed mothers! - Oh my God, imagine? Moira, that's not gonna happen.
Oh, I'm sure there are plenty of them on this side of the tracks.
Let the nuns take care of the little stranger! What Alexis needs now is to feel supported by her family! - Hah! - Okay.
Um, I'm just gonna say it, I am not in a place right now to be emotionally available to a baby.
You know I'm a little disappointed in you, David, you spend a lot of time with Alexis, you could've done a better job looking out for her! Okay, I'm sorry I'm not a condom.
Aaaah! I always knew this would happen! Oh, God help us all.
Okay, I just think I'm in a state of shock right now, you know, the news was very numbing, and I'm feeling very alone.
Mhmm.
Mm! Imagine how Alexis must feel.
Yeah, I haven't spoken to her.
Huh.
Remind what this is again? That is a eucalyptus under eye serum.
Mhmm and remind me why you can't apply it to yourself? Because it requires a steady hand, and I'm going through a lot right now.
- Right - (Bell on door jingles) Hi, I was looking for some uh Yeah, we don't sell that.
- Bath salts? - We actually do sell those.
They're on the middle shelf, just over there.
I'll be over to help you in a second.
Okay, between Alexis getting knocked up, and us not having enough privacy to connect, I'm feeling very shaken.
Do you think you're gonna make it, though? Unclear.
Unclear on whether I'm gonna make it through or not.
Hang in there.
Moira: Jocelyn, oh, I seem to have left my sunglasses behind, you haven't discovered them amidst your cleaning, have you? You mean, the ones on top of your head? - And there they are.
- (Laughs) And I'm off, then.
Moira, is everything all right? You seem a little distracted today.
No, I'm-I'm just a little distracted today.
I'm having one of those days myself.
We're in the midst of a family crisis, if you must know! - Well, I don't wanna pry, so - Well, you've cracked me open.
- Alexis is pregnant.
- What? I know! We discovered the test in her bathroom today.
- You did? - And to think when I awoke, my biggest concern was how to make that ragtime medley of yours work.
Uh huh It's just flagrant irresponsibility! To allow an unscheduled conception to occur! - Moira? - Oh, she has no idea of the toll a baby can take on its mother, or its mother's mother.
Moira, I'm the one who's pregnant.
- If only.
- It's true.
I was dropping off Alexis' course book, and I had gotten the test from the pharmacy, and I was so anxious to find out, that I took the test in Alexis' bathroom.
Oh Jocelyn, oh Jocelyn! Oh, what a wonderful surprise for us all! Oh! I know.
I thought it was menopause that was making me late, and giving me the cravings, and morning sickness.
I wouldn't know.
Listen, can you do me a favour, and just keep this between the two of us, because Roland doesn't know yet.
Oh! Oh Jocelyn, Roland's not the father? Of course he is, I just haven't found the right time to tell him.
Don't wait, best to rip it off like a band aid.
You're probably right.
It's just that we weren't expecting this.
One must prepare for any event.
Miracles don't take reservations.
Ahhh! Oh (Sighs) (Door opens) Oh, hi, honey.
My God, how long have you been sitting there? Oh, I didn't realize it took you so long to put your makeup on.
Can I help you with something? Just wondering how you're feeling.
Fine, a little nervous.
Well, that's understandable, comes with the territory.
Uh it might help if we chat about it.
Um no, I don't want to chat about it.
I'm late.
Well, I know you're late, sweetheart.
I knew this was gonna happen! I knew you were gonna get way too involved in this.
David has already given me a hard time.
I know, and believe me, I will be talking to David about that.
Now Ted, is he being supportive? - I haven't even told Ted.
- Oh.
I just wanna do one thing on my own! And you're sure this is the right one thing to pick? Okay, please don't stress me out about this! This is supposed to be fun! And it will be fun, honey, it will be, in time.
You know, it will also be a lot of work.
I know that! And not to mention, a lot of money.
Why do you think I've been saving up my money from the vet's office? How long have you known about this? Oh my God, you are being so extra right now! - I have to go! - Okay, clearly this is not a good time, but I just want you to know your mother and I are here, whenever you feel comfortable enough to talk, although I'd suggest talking to me, and not your mother.
You are making way too big a deal of this.
If I don't like it, I'll just give it up, and move on! Okay? (Door slams) (Jazz music plays) (Bell on door jingles) (Bag rustles) Ding, ding! Ahem.
Hi.
We're actually closed today.
It's one o'clock on a Friday.
Okay, is there something I can help you with? Do you give all your customers this kind of VIP treatment? Actually, I do, and I would love to keep chatting, it's just that Patrick and I were working on fixing a uh a light bulb in the back, so we oh, hey.
- Hey, Stevie.
- Hi.
David and I were just in the back doing some inventory.
- Yeah.
- Hmm, yeah.
Seems like you guys are really busy - at work.
- Uh - Ooh, what's that? - What's what? You got a little red um is that a bug bite? Or a little mouth shaped sunburn? Looks like a hickey, actually.
But it's not, it's not a It's not a hickey, right? Because that would be disgusting, and wildly unprofessional.
David, did you give me a hickey?! Okay no, I didn't, I gave you a-a half hickey, because we haven't had the time or the privacy for me to give you a full hickey! If you give me $50 bucks I'll stand outside, and tell people you're on lunch.
I'll give you 50 cents to stand outside - and never come back! - You see, this is why we can't do this here.
- Desperate times, huh? - No, trying times, Nothing about this is desperate.
It's just that there's a lot of people at the motel, and Patrick is renting a room from Ray.
- Who really likes to chat.
- Yeah.
So there has literally been zero privacy.
Well, if you want, I'm happy to offer you guys my apartment for the night.
Why? Why would you do that? Because I care about you two.
Okay, and where will you be? Well, if you must know, work's been really stressful, so I'm going to take a little me time at a spa in Elmdale.
That is super generous, but wouldn't be a little bit weird us having alone time at your place? Especially because you guys have - Oh God no! No, we've never - No, never, ew! - We've never done that there.
- Never.
I still live there.
I mean, we could consider it.
What exactly is the catch? No catch.
- David! - What? - We'll take the place.
- Okay, we'll take the place.
Great, and I'll take this.
So there's a bit of a catch.
(Door opens, slams) - You know, Moira, it's not as bad as I thought.
- Mmm If David sells the store, and uh and you get some part time work, and we get a good price for the car, I think we can make it through the first two years easy, and then we just have to figure out preschool.
John, as much as I appreciate your budgetary prowess, it turns out there is no immediate need for concern.
Well, now we're all taking this a little too lightly.
Alexis isn't the one who's pregnant.
Someone else is, but don't press me for details, because I've been sworn to secrecy.
- You've been sworn - It's Jocelyn! But you're not supposed to know.
She hasn't told Roland yet.
- Jocelyn! - Huh? She was appropriately gobsmacked herself.
And I must say, I am entirely relieved.
Yeah, that's it's not Alexis! But save that spreadsheet, John, and you might want to add a line item for prophylactics.
- Tomorrow's another day.
- Yeah, well, don't worry, I've already had a serious talk with Alexis, though now I'm wondering what exactly we were talking about.
(Students chatter) Um, hey, excuse me, Um, I'm looking for the registrar's office.
It's in there.
Okay, I'm just like, a little bit confused, because on the brochure it looks like it's in a moss covered building by the lake.
So I'm guessing the quad is just like, on the other side of the building? The office is in there, make a right.
A 100%.
(Car rumbles) (Students chatter) Ooh (Music plays on radio) - Okay, hi.
Hi! - Hmm, what's up? I am what this brochure calls a prospective student.
Cool, so you're not enrolled yet? No, I am enrolled, um, prospectively.
I was wondering if there's like, a campus tour, - or something? - Wow well, it wouldn't be much of a tour, but yeah, I guess I could walk you back up the hall, if you want.
Okay, it's just that this brochure is like, a little bit confusing.
Yeah, we couldn't afford in house photography, so we just used stock images.
See? Watermark there.
(Laughs) This is actually a still from "Dead Poets Society.
" I feel like that's false advertising, especially considering what I am paying for these courses.
Yeah, but you get free coffee and doughnuts.
Oh, and like, um, an agenda.
- (Groans) - Yeah, it's off by a day.
So I wouldn't use it.
Okay great, I would like a refund, please.
Uh, the problem is, is we don't give refunds.
Okay, then I guess I would just like my money back, then.
- Again, we don't give refunds.
- Okay, okay.
This is the first time that I've ever invested in anything myself, and I thought that was like, the responsible choice, but clearly, this is like, a joke school.
Well, that's why most students do their courses online.
Oh.
So like, potentially, I could refund my refund request, do all my courses online, and like, never have to ever come back here again? That's actually how I keep my side hustle going, part time DJ.
Here's my card, in case you have any problems, or you wanna go on a date, or something.
Okay.
Well, I won't be doing any of that, but thank you so much.
Ooh! (Door opens) Please, come in, come in.
- Ooh.
- Welcome.
Make yourselves at home.
Just so you know, there's nothing in the fridge.
Oh, and I marked the booze, so I'll know if you touch it.
I noticed the line is a couple inches above where the whiskey starts.
I am stunned by your generosity.
Um, where exactly are you going tonight? Out to a spa.
Which she already told us, so maybe just say thank you.
Oh no, I did, I did say thank you multiple times.
Um, what is the name of the spa? David! Let's just let her go, okay? - Okay, yeah.
- (Knock on the door) - Are we expecting company, or? - N-no, I wasn't! Hey, pony! Are you ready to go? What are you doing? I said I would meet you outside! I said I'd help you with your bags.
David.
Wow, it's been a while.
- Pony.
- Hey - Mm-mmm! Ahem! - Wow, you look good.
Who's this guy? - This is my that's - Patrick.
- That's Patrick.
- And you are? - Picking up Stevie.
- Yeah, we're gonna go, so So I'm not getting a name, then.
Um, so you and "pony," what do you have planned for tonight? Well, it's date night, so we thought maybe we'd spend it in the woods.
Yeah, just galloping around the woods, huh? Yeah, with your "pony.
" Not at a spa.
So - I take it you two are still - Seeing each other, yes.
As it turns out we are.
After we all broke up, Stevie came over to end things officially, - and it just didn't stick, so.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
No, it didn't stick, did it.
Now, when you say "we all broke up " So you offering your apartment had nothing to do with any guilt you felt about harboring a little secret? Nope.
Just trying to be a good person, so.
We're gonna go, leave you two lovebirds.
Unless you two wanna come? Nope! I don't think so.
- Come on.
- You do you.
Good to meet you, man.
(Door shuts) So we're gonna talk about this, right? Yep, I'm just gonna grab that bottle of - Whiskey? Yeah.
- Yeah, the whiskey.
(Cars rumbles) So Roland, you're probably wondering why I'm taking you out for tacos tonight.
Well honey, you don't need a special reason for taco night.
No, but there is a special reason tonight.
There's something that I wanted to talk to you about, something exciting.
Oh, hold that thought, honey.
Hey, Johnny, Moira, Jocelyn's just about to tell me something exciting, come and join us.
Oh, no, no, no, far be it for us to intrude.
No, I think it's best that Jocelyn share this life altering news, whatever it may be, - on her own.
- Yeah.
And we'll probably take another table, because I skipped lunch and you know me when I'm hungry.
Look out! (Laughs) Uh, we'll sit over here.
Johnny, I am not gonna ask again.
No, no, no.
No, in fact I am gonna ask again.
- And again.
And again.
- Roland - Get over here, and sit yourself down! It's okay Moira, take a seat.
Okay, okay well, John and I will just study the menu, - as they keep making amendments.
- Yeah (Sighs) Hmm So Roland, you might have noticed that I've been on a real Dorito casserole kick lately, and there's a reason for that.
Besides wanting to keep me as your husband? (Laughs uproariously) Am I right, Johnny? Oh, I need to be a part of this.
The last time I made that casserole was when I was pregnant with Mutt.
And I've really been craving that casserole again.
Yeah.
Well, that's understandable, honey, I mean, it's a terrific casserole.
I'd kill for a casserole right now.
Rollie, how are you not getting this? - Have we decided? - I'm pregnant! - (Gasps) - We're having a baby.
- Oh my goodness! - Yeah, Twyla, I'm gonna have the bottomless French Onion soup, and maybe you might wanna drop a little calamari on the table.
- John! (Gasps) - Yes! Oh, oh, pregnant? Wow! Wonderful news.
Hey, congratulations, fella.
Yes, we are stunned! Honey are you okay? Okay? (Chuckles) (Laughs wildly) Of course I'm okay! Oh my God! We're having a baby! (Applause) Champagne for everybody, on me! - I can't drink, Rollie.
- Oh right, you're driving.
Uh you know what Twyla, actually, let's just do one beer, one beer for me.
Okay? Congratulations, you two.
Well, I can honestly say from the bottom of my heart, that I couldn't be happier that this is happening to you and your family! (Crickets chirp) So this is for you.
Um cheers to privacy.
Sorry, I've just gotta go through that one more time.
So you dated Jake and then Stevie dated Jake.
Mhmm mhmm.
And at one point, you all No, see, that's where you're wrong.
- We almost all, but I said no.
- Ah.
Because Stevie and I agreed that that would be a bad idea, but it appears that I'm the only one that held up my end of that agreement.
And you're upset about this because you still No! I'm not upset! - I-I don't want any of that! - No It's a principle thing.
And we are getting sidetracked right now.
Okay? So who is feeling sexy? Getting there for sure, I just-you know, I I knew you had a rich dating history, David, I just didn't expect to be graced by the presence of two of your exes tonight.
Yeah, funny thing, neither did I.
So - But - Mhmm? Given that we only have the apartment for one night.
- Mmm.
- Maybe it's best if we lock that box back up for now? - I think that's a good idea.
- Mhmm.
Mhmm.
You know what, we didn't even get into your history - Lock it up, David.
Lock it up.
- Oh, okay.
Hey, so I've been thinking about what you said, and it is a big expense, but I think I can find a way to make it work.
What's happening? Dad's trying to get me to drop out of college.
No, that's not what was happening! I-I thought we were talking about something else.
What else? Oh, he thought you were pregnant.
- What? Ew! - Well, we all did.
Oh my God, that's so mean! Oh, look who's here.
Where were you all night? Um out-side.
I was outside.
A little past curfew.
Oh burn, David.
I'm sorry, I was processing Alexis' situation.
- David, Alexis isn't - No, it's okay.
I mean, have your fun now David, because when the twins arrive, I'm gonna really need your help.
Um, that's a hard pass.
You're gonna be so involved in their lives.
Mm, your body, your problem.
David, Alexis isn't pregnant.
Okay, but just picture them as like, tiny little roommates, whose tiny little poops you get to clean up!