Search Party (2016) s04e02 Episode Script

1 Oh, my God! You know what? I'm actually so excited college is over.
- Me too.
- You know what I mean? I'm ready to enter, like, - an easier part of my life.
- Yeah.
Uh, hi.
We're picking up our drink tickets under Elliott Goss and Portia Davenport.
We graduated.
- We're graduates.
- I'm not seeing your name.
Elliott Goss, right? Okay, that's weird you don't have my name.
Um, School of Poli-Sci? - Yeah, no.
- No.
You always have the weirdest luck with this stuff.
You know what? Just give me the tickets.
- It doesn't matter anyway.
- Portia! Hi! We nabbed a table and got you guys beers.
- You guys! - Oh, my God! - Oh, my God! - Guys, we graduated! We're, like, officially adults now.
Don't say that, Drewski.
I don't wanna be an adult.
I just wanna be, like, a baby in a womb.
Oh, sorry.
Oh, it's okay.
- Yeah.
- I have to admit.
Um, I'm weirdly feeling very hopeful.
- Hmm.
- You are? - Make me feel like that.
- Come on, look at us.
I mean, Portia, you're such an amazing actress.
- Aww.
- Stop! - It's so true.
- It's true.
When you walk on to the stage, like, you just radiate this unique light.
- Aww.
- And Elliott Don't.
You're so smart, and you read people so well.
You just understand them, you know? There's no way that you're not gonna be influential.
Okay, Dory, I'm gonna cry.
Stop it! - And Drew - Yes? You're just You're so sensitive but grounded, you know? I feel like people in the business world are just gonna have to make way for you because you're gonna be the biggest-hearted human being Wall Street has ever seen.
- I love you.
- I love you too.
- Oh! - Cute! I just wanna say that I think we're gonna do and make really beautiful things, and have amazing lives, and you're my family.
Aww! To our family and to our amazing lives! To our family and our amazing lives! Bon appétit, mademoiselle.
I threw an extra nugget in today! It was the last one in the bag.
I mean, why not? Can anybody hear me? Help! Help me! Hello? Can anybody hear me? Help me! Can anybody hear me? - Yeah! - Whoo! Oh! - Hey, hey, hey! - Ha-ha! Too slow this time, Prince Grisly! I'll win the heart of the beautiful maiden yet.
Who could love an unsightly animal like you? Ahh! Ahh! Get him, Prince Grisly! Yeah! Get him! Ahh! Damn it, Gustave.
Falling is for amateurs.
But you you, man You were amazing! Best Prince Grisly we've ever had.
You nailed it, bro! Thanks, man.
I love it! I love it so much! I mean, did you see those kids? They're just, like, laughing and smiling.
I could do this for the rest of my goddamn life.
Holy shit.
Are you okay, Andrew? Oh, yeah.
I'm just I'm hot from the hat.
But shouldn't you be used to heat, though? Didn't you say you're from South Africa? Yes, I am.
Yeah, I am from South Africa.
You know what's funny, dude? Sometimes I can hear the accent in you, but I really gotta stretch my ears for it, you know? Yeah, yeah.
Actually, a lot of people say that.
It's, uh It's because my parents were American diplomats, so I just sort of inherited their accent.
That's kind of cool, though.
It makes you cut from a different kind of cloth, you know? Nah.
I'm one of y'all.
I belong here.
Why did you do this to me? We were friends.
We're friend We're your friends.
Ugh.
Friends! Why did you do this to me? We were friends! Friends! We were friends.
We were friends.
We were friends.
Friends.
We were friends.
Name? Hi.
Uh, Portia Davenport.
Yes, everyone's reading for Portia Davenport, but what's your real name? No, I am the real Portia Davenport.
Oh, maybe I am missing one.
No, I don't have one.
- Hi.
- Oh, gosh, hi! - Hi there.
- Portia Davenport.
Such a pleasure.
Hi, Roger Carrots.
Hi, Mr.
Carrots, so nice to meet you.
- Greg Carrots big fan.
- Hi.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
I'm so sorry, you guys, for just, like, barging in on you like this, completely unannounced.
I just needed to talk to you because it was brought to my attention that you are using my name and my likeness in your film, "SAVAGE: The Dory Sief Story.
" Portia, before we get too far into that actually, this is perfect timing.
Uh, Portia this is our lawyer, Hugh Sneezer.
- Hi, Mr.
Sneezer, so nice to - Hello, Ms.
Davenport.
Put your hand away.
Let me just get straight to the point.
As a public figure in a very public trial, you have hardly any ground to fight us on our right to portray you in any light that we favor.
And with all due respect, if you're interested in pursuing legal action, I guarantee you it will be an enormous waste of time and money.
Do we have an understanding? I was actually just hoping I could audition.
- Oh, audition.
- Yeah.
I just really think I could nail this part.
It would be such an honor if I could prove myself to you as Portia.
Well, this has been an incredible waste of my time.
- I'll see you both in court.
- All right, bye.
- See you, Hugh.
- Bye, Hugh.
- Bye, Hugh.
- Wow.
I mean, what makes you wanna play yourself? I think it would actually be very healing.
I could kind of get some closure, you know, really own it, take my power back.
You know what I mean? I think there's a lot of dignity in that.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
I mean, that's interesting.
- Mm-hmm.
- That's very interesting.
Mm-hmm.
Um, of course, you would not have to audition.
- Oh, okay.
- No, we would have - to just talk amongst ourselves.
- Sure, yeah.
And then of course with the network, Streamer.
- Okay, well, thank you guys - Great! - So much for your time.
- Thank you.
- Yes.
- Great energy in this room, - by the way.
- And you too thank you.
Thank you so much for coming in.
- Bye! - There she goes.
Okay, this is what I'm talking about.
Our planet is literally a ticking time bomb, but the Republican Party is too busy demonizing the disenfranchised - to even pretend to care.
- Okay, I don't even know - what I'm looking at.
- What? What even was that a video of? Charlie, that was a video of one of the world's last prime glaciers eroding.
- No, it wasn't.
- Yes, it was.
Our graphics department made that, sloppily.
That was the worst video of mayonnaise being poured onto a plate I have ever seen.
And the gullibility of the left - is out of control.
- Oh! Okay, Charlie, a very famous scientist, Eiricke Ludwig Hoggerman, took that video yesterday.
Honestly, girl, just read a book - Okay, yeah.
- Once in your life.
Hi.
I know who Eiricke is.
- He's a liar, just like you.
- Oh, Charlie, I'm actually really glad you called me a liar because you're the biggest liar out there.
- Your hair's a lie.
- No, it's not.
- Your teeth are a lie.
- No, it's not.
Your ass is a lie.
- No, it's not.
- It's all lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie! - No, it's not.
- Oh, really? You sure about that? Okay.
Because I've actually found some very interesting pictures of you from 2014 that I'm sure our audience would love to see.
- Where did you get that? - Facebook.
- Where did you get that? - Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Ahh! It's fake! - It's fake! - No, it's not! Extensions! Come on, sunshine.
Time to get up.
I don't feel well.
Why do you look like that? Like what? Oh.
Well, this is my Aunt Lylah's house, so when I go into town, I have to dress in disguise as her.
How old's your aunt? Like, 70.
You think people think you could be in your 70s? You know, you don't seem sick! It's my stomach.
I don't think I should be eating the same thing for every meal.
- It's making me sick.
- Consistency is good for you.
Olympians eat the same thing every day.
Anyway I came down here because I wanted to show you something that I'm really excited to show you.
- You made these? - Mm-hmm.
Oh, they're actually really good.
Oh, wow.
Oh, my God.
I'm so happy to see these.
I love them! No! No! Dory, you don't love them.
You hate them! Dory, I made these so that you could work through your trauma with them.
So look at Drew.
Look at him and tell him you hate what he did to you! - Hi, Drew.
- Hi, Dory.
It's so good to see you.
I've missed you so much.
I missed you too.
I'm so glad you're okay.
Yeah.
It's okay.
No! No! Dory! You are never going to get better if you're not willing to put in the work! - What's wrong with you? - Nothing's wrong with me.
I have an extremely high IQ.
I have a PhD in psychology, an MFA in visual art, and a doctorate in behavioral health, which should be proof enough that I am perfectly capable of functioning in society.
If anything's wrong with me yeah, I guess, maybe I was given a few too many options growing up.
Okay? Because that's pressure! That's the pressure of true privilege.
No.
That's not it, though.
You're psychotic.
- I'm not a freak! - I didn't call you a freak.
You called me a freak, and I'm not a freak! Well, wait.
Can't I keep them? No! You're the freak! Good luck on your date, Phil.
Don't be ashamed of that dead tooth, okay? Elliott.
Oh.
Can Tina and I have your ear - for a minute? - Of course.
Let's cut to the chase, Elliott.
You're smart.
People like you.
There's something there.
We just haven't quite hooked into it yet, and I think what's perhaps not working is, no one really wants to see Blue State.
- Huh.
- Believe it or not, our viewers are just not interested in your political perspective.
I'll I'll suck your dick.
Oh.
No, no.
Thank you, though.
That's a solution to a different problem.
Tina had an idea I think might benefit us.
- Tina? - So I was thinking, what if Elliott Goss switched party lines, had a little change of heart, and came to see things our way the right way? Wait, wait, wait.
So so are you telling me that you want me to just become fully conservative? Two smart conservatives ranting about the liberal politics We'd call it "Right is Right.
" Kay, wow.
I guess I just need you guys to understand that what you're asking me to do is quite frankly unholy, and I'm honestly a little offended that you think I would just abandon my values so flippantly like that.
- So - We understand that.
- Mm-hmm.
- And if you'd like to pursue an anchor position at another reputable network, we understand that as well.
It just might be a little difficult for a lying piece of trash personality such as yourself.
I fear you may find your options are a little limited.
Up to you.
Okay, excuse me.
I'll need a 40% raise, a permanent hotel room at Columbus Circle, childcare, and no one is allowed to ask questions about that, and a zip line from my family's trailer to their town's post office.
Done and done.
Thank you guys so much.
Ahh! Dory? Have you formed your apology yet? I'm open To hearing it.
Oh, my God.
I shat myself.
Oh! - Oh! - Oh, God.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm not good with that kind of thing.
I'm sorry! This is far too icky! Uh, we'll just have to get you cleaned up, and, um, I'm gonna have to take you upstairs! Oh, my God! Now, if you try to run away, I will break both of your legs.
Um oh, God.
Please turn around, okay? Oh, you smell so bad.
It stinks.
Okay, let's go.
We're going upstairs.
Okay, stop.
Turn.
Turn around.
No.
Okay.
Up we go.
Turn, turn.
No, there's nothing to see.
There's nothing to know about.
It's just a bunch of barbed wire.
Up past the snakes, a bunch of snakes.
Okay, come on in.
We're in the bathroom now.
Almost home free.
Keep stepping.
Okay, stop.
We're at the tub.
Just gonna turn the water on for you.
Uh, okay.
Don't worry.
Um, a gentleman would never look at his best friend's body.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Just, um, go ahead and step in.
Yep, it's one of the old claw-foot guys.
Okay, good.
We're set.
Just ow! Jesus Christ! Sorry.
That pipe's hot.
Careful when you come out.
You'll wanna watch for that.
Did I ever tell you about that time I met Princess Diana? No.
I was five years old at boarding school, up in the English countryside, and the royals would pop in and out all the time, you know.
But she came one day, and she was just taken with me.
And she sat me on her knee, and she wanted to know all my thoughts on her career, you know, but this was all very hushed.
And I looked at her, and I said, "Diana.
You need to be taking risks.
" You know, "I think you need to be willing to put your life on the line.
" Wow! - That's that's amazing! - Yeah! You know, I said, "Make a statement, turn heads.
" And lo and behold, two years later, what is she doing? She is standing in a field of land mines, proudly defying death.
Mm.
And, um, I I bring it up because, um, you remind me of her, Dory.
I mean, you're so brave.
It's really, really admirable.
Okay, shower time over.
Oh, wait, wait, wait! Chip, can I just shower just a little bit longer? - Please? - Oh, gosh.
No, I don't think so, honey.
I don't want you to get too prune-y.
That was nice.
I liked talking with you in the shower, and I like feeling clean.
Mm.
Maybe we can do it again some time.
Probably not.
Oh, but hey.
If you do poop yourself again, I'll just burn this whole house down.
Okay, kids, it's time for me to put Ratty Raccoon down for his afternoon nap.
Let's all sing him a song to help him get sleepy.
Oh! It's Darby the cowgirl! Gosh, I bet she's got some great American tales from the Wild, Wild West.
Yeah! Oh! - Andrew, stop! - What? - We could get in trouble.
- God, I can't help it.
You know what I'm in the mood for? For me to tell you what I like about you? Mm-hmm.
Well, you're good-hearted.
- You're positive.
- Mm-hmm.
You're happy, and you make me feel happy.
Can I tell you something? Of course.
Last year, during Wish Week, when it was my turn to put a star on the staff wall Yeah? I wished for a tall white man with sweet eyes to come and sweep me off my feet, and then when you started working here, I called my abuelita, and I told her, "I think my wish is coming true.
" Is your wish coming true? I think so.
You know, I came here once as a kid, and it was, like, my favorite memory.
And the last couple years haven't really been so easy for me.
So I don't know why it didn't occur to me to come here sooner.
I mean, it is so joyful here! - Yeah! - And, like, they play - amazing music all the time.
- Yeah! And the food rocks! I know.
And all this time, a beautiful princess was waiting for me.
What more could a guy like me ask for? - Hello? - Portia! - How are you? - I'm so good! Thank you so much for asking.
How are you? Good.
So we heard back from the "Savage" producers Okay.
And we have interesting news.
So they're a little concerned about how awkward it might get to note your performance as Portia being that you're the real Portia.
They wanna gauge your interest in possibly playing the lead.
The le the lead? Who's the what's the lead? Well, it's your friend, Dory.
Wait.
Sorry.
They want me to play Dory? They think it'll be exciting stunt casting! It's just that's awesome.
I think I do think I should check in with Dory about it, if that's okay.
Absolutely.
Well, let us know what she says, - and we'll get into it.
- Okay.
- This is exciting! - It is! Oh, my gosh, thank you, guys.
Thank you so much.
Have such a great day.
Come on! I just need something sharp! Come on, come on, come on! Hi, Dor! It's me.
Oh, my gosh, you are so cute in all your Europe pics.
I'm freaking out.
I miss you so much.
Um, anyway, look, I'm calling to tell you that I have some really exciting news! I got a really big part! It's this amazing complex role of you.
It's you.
The part is you.
And it's a big opportunity for me as an actor.
And it's I'm calling to see how you feel about it, and, you know, I am calling to ask your permission.
But it's more of just a formality.
I am doing it, regardless of what you think or say.
Anyway, kiss Paris for me! I love ya! Okay.
Bye! Oh, my God.
That was so stressful.
Mm.
Ell, is it crazy for me to take this part? No.
No, no, no.
I think it's so brave.
It's so badass, and I'm proud to call you a friend.
You're so sweet.
You're making me feel so much better.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
I think it's, like, weirdly similar to something I'm going through right now.
I think in becoming a Republican, I'm actually, like, playing a part.
Just like you with Dory.
I mean, you're playing a part.
Like, we're both playing parts in this weird way.
- Totally.
- Yeah.
I do think in your situation - Yeah? - I worry that people might not know you're acting.
Do you know what I mean? Like, I think that they might think you actually believe the things that you're saying.
Well, I could hurt you back and tell you that I actually don't think you should do the movie, but I won't because we're in our 30s now and we're supposed to give up on helping each other and actually put up more walls in the name of boundaries, but you didn't do that.
You're supposed to do that.
- But you didn't do that.
- Yeah, but, Ell, I just I think there's an acoustic issue because you're not hearing me.
Okay? I support you.
You have to support me.
Okay, I'm proud of you? Oh, my God, I'm so proud of you too.
He Dory! You ripped your home up? I spent a lot of time making this for you! Oh, D the table! - The couch! - I'm sorry.
I just I just needed to left off a little steam! Well, while you were letting off a little steam, I was upstairs, slaving away on some new food for you! So I hope this slight change in diet doesn't upset your system.
Ooh! You have put me through the wringer today, little girl.
I'm wiped out.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Feeling good? - Mm-hmm.
You've got this.
I know.
Quiet on set.
And three, two Good afternoon, I'm Elliott Goss, and you're watching "Red State Blue State.
" Now, you may notice that my gorgeous co-host, Charlie Reenie, is not sitting next to me, and that is because the network has generously given me the stage to allow me to make a statement.
America, I owe you an apology.
Like many citizens today, I too have been brainwashed by the liberal media, by the "arts and leisure elite," by socialist universities, and by the coasts.
I have been living in a political fantasy, but no longer.
I am now and forever a staunchly conservative Republican.
I believe in traditional Christian family values, speaking in English at all times, and anaesthetizing the lower classes with presidential fantasies of gold faucets and beautiful women.
I love my beliefs, I love my country, and I love my God.
End of story.
So, please, tune in next time for "Right is Right," a new program where Charlie Reenie and yours truly will agree on matters pertaining to the "right" side of history.
Thank you.
And in place of tonight's show, please enjoy this black-and-white footage of World War II airplanes.
And we're out.
So great.
How do you feel? I feel genuinely fine.
Whoo! Great.
Huh.
Oh, God.
Ah.
Ow.
Ow.
Ah.