Shine on Harvey Moon (1982) s04e02 Episode Script

1 Ooh! Stanley! I've got it.
Ow! Oh, there's the pins.
Give us one, Stanley.
We've been looking for those.
Hey, Stanley, you watch that box.
That was two-and-ninepence.
- It wasn't? - It was.
The marbles I could have got for that! Couldn't hang them on the Christmas tree.
- It's beginning to look all right.
- Yeah.
You should have seen my old man's pub at Christmas.
It looked a real treat.
- I never knew your old man kept a pub.
- Yeah.
That explains a few things.
And on Christmas Day, all the presents would be under the tree and my old man would be sitting in the armchair in his slippers, sucking at his pipe.
We'd all be sitting round staring at 'em and weren't allowed to touch them till teatime.
- That don't sound much fun to me.
- No.
- My dad was a miserable old sod, really.
- Geoff! - You should know better at your age, Geoff.
- Stanley.
We'll have those drains flowing as sweetly as Old Father Thames himself.
I'm so grateful.
You see, it all comes up in the garden.
Well, you know yard.
I promise you, if they're not clear by Christmas, I'll clear 'em myself.
- I can't say fairer than that, can I? - Oh, you are good, Councillor Moon.
And it's not often I get my picture done as well.
Thank you for letting me sketch.
If ever you want a sitter, I'm game for anything.
Miss Gottlieb is a visiting Viennese artist.
Ooh, I say! Are you really? Come on, Mrs Green.
Out you go.
See you the same time next week.
- Now you look after.
Bye.
- Okey-doke.
Well, that's the lot, I hope.
There's none of me.
I can do you anytime.
Do me now, if you like.
No, Harvey, I'm saving you for the council meeting.
I want to do Harvey the orator.
Councillor Moon? That's right.
Reverend, er? Jones.
Martin Jones.
- Good evening, miss.
- Hello.
- What can I do for you? - I'm the new vicar at St Augustine's.
Ah, got a roof on at last, have they? - Roof? - Or are you round collecting for one? I'm sorry.
I'm not a churchgoer myself.
I'm a bit short this week.
I'm not collecting.
I've been at the appeal meeting in the hall.
On my way out, I found this.
- Where? - In the corridor outside.
I wondered if you know whose it is.
J.
Adams.
Don't mean nothing to me.
Not been issued in this area.
Take a seat.
No, I can't stop.
Well, seeing as I found it here, perhaps you'd deal with it.
Well, you'd better hand it in.
This J Adams will be going mad.
I just have, haven't I? I mean, to the proper authority.
What better authority than a councillor? And a JP.
- Hold on - Good evening.
I must be going.
I'm seeing some elderly people and I'm late as it is.
I'm late! Poor bugger.
Just before Christmas an' all.
What are you going to do with them? Do you want a profile? Oh, no, Harvey, that's not your best side.
- I've got one, have I? - No.
Sorry I can't help you, Mags.
I suppose you did it on purpose.
No, I didn't.
I was thinking of that Clark Gable film we went to see last week.
You remember the one.
When they was both in the boat going down the river.
And he was gazing into her eyes and then she was gazing into his eyes.
And I forgot I had my thumb in the sock, didn't I? - You're a soppy date.
- Sorry, Sis.
Stanley, what have you been doing to this? Wearing it on your feet? That weren't me.
It was Roger Gilbert.
Oh, no, it's never you, is it? Thinks he's the best centre-half ever.
I said, my tortoise is quicker than you.
Tony said the Germans needed players like him, so he hit him.
Tony hit Roger? No, Roger hit Tony.
- And I laughed so he hit me.
- Who? Roger hit me! Don't you listen? I need that for tomorrow, so hurry up.
Here, you ain't done none of these.
You said you'd do half.
I got a shop to run, Mags.
I'm in it all day.
The evenings are my only free time.
And you're having a free time.
Well, until we can afford servants, it's all hands to the mast.
It's a sailing expression.
All hands to the mast.
It's what sailors say to each other.
You short of money, Mrs Moon? What do they wanna say that to each other for? Don't sit on these.
They're wet.
You'll get piles.
We could go carol singing.
No, I don't want to.
I'm going dancing.
Dancing? Wonderful, that is.
Where is this dance? I can't remember going.
Have you been dancing, Veronica? Yeah, I've been dancing.
If they're going dancing, we can go carol singing.
- Wanna come carol singing? - No, thank you.
Your mother and me are practising for a competition.
Where is Rita? - She's got a ladder.
- She's got the hump.
- Sure you don't wanna come? - Me? The idea is to make money.
If we can't all go dancing, maybe we could all go carol singing.
I'm all behind, Leo.
I got a ladder.
Stanley, can't you have a go? I'm fed up.
- That ain't a man's work.
- Well, you ain't a man.
Could I show you how to make it easier? Hello, Son, Veronica, Mags.
A woman's work is never done, eh? Oh, sorry, Leo.
I'm sorry I said sorry.
- Reet, can I have a quick word? - If it is quick.
- All right for Christmas? - Is what all right? - The kids coming to me.
- Mags ain't a kid.
- But Stanley - Well, just say Stanley.
Oh, bloody hell.
Stanley.
- I said he could, didn't I? No need to shout.
- I ain't shouting.
- Don't want me for Christmas? - Mags, I didn't mean that.
Are we going out tonight or not? Come on, Leo, I'll do this in the car.
So I'm left holding the fort again? I did it for years when you were young, so if I wanna go dancing, I shall.
I don't want to do the ironing.
I did it for years whilst your father was in India sunbathing his way to victory.
Sunbathing? You were never here, you were always over there.
Now you are here, make up for lost time and help your daughter with the ironing.
- Does that satisfy you, young lady? - We're off.
It's a question of everyone chipping in.
All hands to the mast.
Was you a sailor, Uncle Leo? No.
Good King Wenceslas There you are.
It's too late to go carol singing now, innit? And who manned the machines during the war? Women manned them, that's who.
They worked as equals.
They deserve to be paid as equals.
Did they stint themselves during the war? Your missus didn't! No, they did not.
And they should not be short-changed in their pay packets.
You wouldn't say that if you had to pay out wages every week.
Hear hear! If women could spend more, they might spend it in your shop.
Not if the ration keeps going down.
On a point of information, there would be less need for rationing if certain people weren't robbing the nation by the blatant use of stolen ration cards.
- That's not a point of information.
- Isn't it, Councillor Moon? Councillor Baldock, I shall have to rule you out of order.
I think it is relevant.
Certain people, supporters of a government whose socialist incompetence prolongs the twilight world of rationing, dare stand up in this chamber and pontificate whilst lining their own pockets with the proceeds of a ration card fiddle.
This goes beyond hypocrisy.
Are you accusing us? Not all of you.
Well, what are you saying? I'm only saying, if the cap fits.
- You come outside and say that! - Order! Order! I shall clear the chamber! I demand an apology.
If this continues, I shall have to clear the chamber.
- What was all that about, then? - Perhaps the book was stolen.
- What book? - The book you kept.
I handed it in.
- What was all that about? - Search me.
He's fairly decent for a Tory.
Surprised he had the strength to stand up on his feet.
Always thought he went out with his bint on Fridays.
- Nothing in what he said, then? - Stolen ration books? I should be so lucky.
With Christmas coming, I could do with some.
There you are, Mr Harris.
100 beigels.
Don't tell me there are 99, cos I counted them twice.
Yes, sir? Mr Gottlibe? No, Gottlieb.
My name is Gottlieb.
Sorry.
I'm not very good with foreign names.
- Morning, Mr G.
Sorry.
The bus was late.
- The bus.
This young lady will help you.
I must get back to the ovens.
- I don't want to buy anything.
- You want to sell me something? - I'll serve this gentleman.
Ration book, please.
- I'm a health inspector.
Everybody here is perfectly healthy.
I've come to inspect your premises.
You were notified.
Was I? Well, probably.
- Can we get on? - Why my bakery? I just do as I'm told.
Yes, I've heard that before.
- What do you mean by that? - Nothing.
Well, sir, may I inspect? - Inspect.
You can eat off my floor.
- That shouldn't be necessary.
If you knew about this, you should have told me.
I would have if I'd been here earlier.
- But as the bus came, a taxi draws up - Is this a long story? There's a young woman in the back and as I've had training in midwifery, I lent a hand.
- Did she have it? - Yeah, right outside Jack Cohen's.
- Oh, wonderful! He's always wanted children.
- A boy or girl? - A little girl - Who cares? He's inspecting in there.
Dust the counter and wipe down the trays.
Suddenly after ten years, I have a dirty bakery? - That was quick.
- I think I've seen enough.
What did I tell you? Clean like a whistle.
I'm sorry about your toilet.
What have you done to my toilet? It opens into the kitchen.
We work in the kitchen.
Where should it open? A toilet in the same room where food is prepared is against the law.
It's been there since long before I took over the bakery.
I'll have to report it.
Look, why report it? I'll close it down.
And there's this.
(Mutters) - Where's Mum? - I dunno.
- She in there with Uncle Leo? - I don't know.
- How did they get on last night? - I don't know.
Don't know much, do ya? - Do you want some cereal? - No.
Think I'll get some milk.
Aw, look at that! Foxtrot.
What's a foxtrot? Some sort of dance.
- Will you teach us? - No.
Why not? That Tom said you was very light on your feet.
Don't talk to me about him, please.
- Packed you in, has he? - No.
Mind your own business.
You don't look well, Sis.
You ought to have some cereal.
You won't get better if you don't eat your food.
That's what Nan says.
Who put this on? Stanley? I wanted Maggie to teach me to dance.
At ten-to-eight in the morning? - Sorry, Mum.
- Didn't get in till half-one.
Oh, yeah.
The dance contest.
How did you get on? You are looking at Ginger Rogers the second.
You didn't come first, then? We're through to the semi-final.
What, it's like the FA Cup? Yeah.
We are.
Well, this show of excitement's very unlike you, Maggie.
- What's the matter, love? - It's Tom.
You're not? Of course not.
- He's gone.
- I thought so.
What, he's dropped you? No, look well I hadn't seen him for a few days.
But I knew he was busy at work with Christmas and that.
So I went round his firm to see if everything was all right.
- They said they'd sent him home.
- What, ill? That's what I thought at first.
So I went round his flat but he weren't there neither.
The bloke next door said he'd gone home a fortnight ago.
I thought you just said you went round his home? No, home, as in Calcutta.
India, home.
Oh, Mags.
Ah, and you was just getting to like a curry, weren't ya? Erich, what's wrong? Anti-Semites.
Here, let me read it.
I thought when we came to this country, we'd got away from all that.
People checking up on you night and day.
I didn't think there was a secret police in England.
- The Public Health Department.
It isn't secret.
- My lavatory is my business.
So, is it true? Does the lavatory door open directly onto the kitchen? Well, does it or doesn't it? All right, it does.
Just a bit.
Did I put it there? I didn't build the place.
It's always opened onto the kitchen.
- And are there rats? - No, we have no rats.
Erich.
We have no rats.
Look is it my fault if one rat visits from next door? Where a mother laid her baby In a manger for his bed Mary was that mother mild What's the point practising? We should be out there making money.
Yeah, get out now, cos we've gotta practise.
Was that a record you were playing? It was the King's Chapel Choir, wasn't it? Are you joking? I heard a wonderful boy soprano singing Once In Royal David's City.
It was Stanley.
No! - Go on, Stan.
Show him.
- All right.
Once in royal David's city Stanley, my boy, you could make a fortune carol singing.
See? I told you, didn't I? - I'd certainly give you half-a-crown to go away.
- (Laughter) Shut up.
But why? That's what I don't understand.
Why do they pick on me? - I never made any trouble.
- Erich, it's the health regulations.
For heaven's sake, eat.
And the health regulations are made only for Erich Gottlieb? - Perhaps lots of shopkeepers got a letter.
- No.
I ask about.
Only me.
Why only you? - I don't know.
They won't tell me.
- Oh.
- Still, if these are the regulations - You're taking their side now? Erich, I'm not taking their side.
Hello, Erich.
- Hear you got a few problems.
- People spying on my lavatory.
Erich, show him the letter.
Here.
Illumination, adequate and proper storage We did all this at night school.
Does the lavatory open onto the kitchen? - Just a little.
- Yes.
There's a health committee meeting tomorrow.
I got a mate on it.
- He'll know how to play this.
- You'd do that for me? - Can I keep the letter? - Please, yes.
- You are very kind.
- Pleasure.
Thank you, Harvey.
- Do you want a cup of tea? - Please.
Cor, you've been churning them out.
I don't believe this.
I was at school with him.
Lanky Bartlett.
He hasn't changed much.
Where did you do this? The transport cafe off the High Street.
- The Enterprise? - Yeah.
You get about, don't ya? I sure do.
It's good that I recognised who it was.
Well, I must be getting better.
We ought to put on an exhibition at the town hall.
- No, I suppose these are for up Bond Street.
- Oh, Harvey.
- Show Adrian what working people look like.
- (Groans) Blimey, Vi.
How many queues have we stood in today? Oh, never mind.
It was worth it to get them nice fresh carrots.
Pity those wireworm got all mine this year.
Ate the blinking lot.
That was a shame.
Here, put some of these away.
- Is this what we're having tonight? - No, it's my Christmas stock.
What are we having tonight? Scrag end.
Great.
That reminds me.
I hope Harvey's in a better mood tonight.
He's still upset about what that fella said in the council.
That was days ago.
He must have forgotten.
You don't know my Harvey.
He smoulders.
Anyway, he gave it in, didn't he? - What? - That ration book.
Here.
He reckons that vicar was a bit you know.
What, a man of the cloth? He might not have been a man of the cloth.
You mean that vicar was a crook? I can't believe that.
Not this near Christmas.
- He said he picked it up off the floor.
- Who? That vicar.
If he was a vicar, not a crook.
(Sighs) Are you sure you got them carrots? Yeah, when you was talking to Mrs Steventon in the queue.
The point is, Harvey didn't keep it, did he? Of course he didn't.
He wouldn't, would he? Pity he didn't.
Wouldn't have to have scrag end.
Gossip spreads like rumour.
Harvey's got his enemies.
- Some people think he's a spiv.
- But we know he's not.
I know we know because we know he's got good reasons.
What reasons? Well he's a member of the council.
Oh, yeah.
And a JP an' all.
There you are, then.
These carrots is parsnips.
(Big Ben chimes) (Orchestra plays dance music) - They're good.
- Rita, they are professionals.
I'm glad we're not competing against them.
You're as jumpy as a bag of fleas.
I'm not! And now, would competitors in round one please take the floor for the waltz.
You take after your father.
He ain't my father.
She's my mother.
Oh, I see.
(Waltz) Why don't they use more of the floor? Cos they've only got a prefab to practise in.
Bleedin' nora.
You wanted to see me.
I hadn't realised it was that urgent.
Sorry.
I caught someone snooping in the office.
I thought you was him again.
Did you call the law? No.
I don't think he took anything.
Well, what can I do for you? You asked to see me.
Are you all right? Yeah.
I wanted some advice on this letter.
What was Baldock spouting about t'other night? Don't ask me.
He's been lying low ever since.
What do you think? Works Department's short-handed.
Your pal's just unlucky.
- He thinks they're onto him cos he's Jewish.
- Nah.
Does the bog really open into the kitchen? 'Fraid so.
Have to sort that.
Tell him to get an estimate, bump it up with materials, then bung it in the Works Department.
How does that work? They're short of materials.
They'll turn him down.
- Fancy a pint? - Thought you'd never ask.
(Music finale) - How did we do? - You were terrific.
Least you didn't fall over.
You should take this up, Mags.
It's the best thing I know.
Well, not the best, but at least it's safe.
I now have the results of tonight's semi-final heats.
So, in reverse order.
In third place, and with their certificates they win a bottle of vintage port.
Very nice, too.
From Edmonton, Mr and Mrs Geoff Baker.
In second place, with Christmas pudding and there's something in it.
(Laughter) From Tottenham, Mr Brandon and Mrs Moon.
(Shrieks) - I wish we'd come third.
- Why? I've got a Christmas pudding.
Stick 'em up! Throw your piece on the floor very slowly.
Stanley, you made me jump.
Dad, the place is crawling with cops.
It's surrounded.
- You stopping the night? - Yeah, Mum's gone dancing.
You can hide out till the heat's off.
What you doing playing down 'ere? What? (Imitates machine-gun) (Imitates machine-gun) Psh! You're dead.
I'm serious.
There's two coppers upstairs with Nan waiting for ya.
- You better not be 'aving me on.
- Course I ain't.
I'll go up first.
More tea? No, thanks, ma'am.
Right.
You ready to blast 'em? That's enough, Stanley.
Harvey, these gentlemen were waiting hours for you.
Sergeant Singer.
A few questions, if you don't mind, sir.
I just wanna get these out of sight first - I'll take that.
- Leave that alone.
- All right, Moon.
- It's Councillor Moon.
Oh, Harvey, they're lovely.
- They were a surprise.
- Just what I needed.
You spoiled my mum's Christmas present! We've had a tip-off that you are in possession of stolen ration books.
- Tip-off? - He didn't know they were stolen.
There was only one.
I handed it in.
A vicar found it so whoever tipped you off Also said we'd find other ration books in your possession.
Ooh, they fit lovely, Harvey.
- 20 others.
- Thank you, Constable.
20 others, in a filing cabinet in your office.
- It's not just my office.
- But they were found in your drawer in this file.
Would you like to make a statement now, sir, or are there any other items? - Slippers? - You've not 'aving these.
No wonder nothing was nicked.
He wasn't nicking nothing, that's it.
He was putting something in, the bloke I caught in my surgery.
- Is he a doctor an' all? - You caught him? - No, he got away.
- Of course he did.
- Who did? - Too dark to see.
Can we start again from the beginning? Don't jump to conclusions.
Stanley, run downstairs, ask Auntie Frieda to bring up the drawing of the vicar.
It was 'im that lumbered me with the ration book.
So you say.
Shall I take these off so you can wrap them properly? (Groans) They nearly took Nan's slippers.
Hurry up cos they got the drop on 'im.
Calm down, Stanley.
They'll arrest 'im if you don't show 'em your pictures.
- My pictures? - Something about a vicar who's a crook.
- Hurry, cos the sergeant looks really mean.
- Stanley Six years fighting against the Japs counts for nothing? - Mum, I didn't do any fighting.
- But you would 'ave.
I never saw a Jap.
That's because you kept them at bay.
Mum, I'm innocent.
I don't need mitigating circumstances.
- What's all this about? - They've come to arrest Harvey.
Who are you? She's our landlady.
You can trust her.
She's from downstairs.
- Mrs Gottlieb.
- Yes.
Can you verify Councillor Moon's story about a vicar allegedly giving him a ration book? Yes, I can.
I was in the room sketching.
And taking photographs.
Of course you were.
You always alibi Mr Moon's little meetings? I don't like your tone, Sergeant.
I will answer questions but not be interrogated.
Councillor Moon faces some very serious allegations, madam.
Now, can you remember the name of this vicar by any chance? Yes, it was Jones.
Ah, Welsh, was he? I don't know.
Sure it wasn't Smith? It was definitely Jones.
Here, this is the sketch.
It's not finished.
It's quite rough.
I was next to him, only I'm off the page.
He's the vicar of St Augustine's.
St Augustine's? Oh, very interesting.
There is no vicar, on account it was hit by a bomb early in the war and the vicar was in it.
He told us it'd been restored.
You'd have known he was lying if you went to church more often.
This picture, doesn't it remind you of someone? It's our old chum, Dead Body Wilson.
He's a known villain.
Hangs around with the Black Shirts.
- Dead Body.
He's a murderer? - No.
Then why is he called Dead Body? - On account of his pale complexion.
- Yes, he was pale.
- Comes from spending so much time in jug.
- He was a Black Shirt? - Yes, sir.
- I see.
Well, now you believe Harvey, no? That picture doesn't prove anything, madam.
Wilson could say he's an accomplice.
Or you was in it together.
- So much for being innocent till proven guilty.
- Accusing a councillor and a JP! That's what makes it all the more serious.
You had the stolen ration books.
There is the matter of possession.
- So don't leave town.
- You've watched too many gangster films.
Thanks for the tea, Mrs Moon.
Councillor.
Constable.
Next time you come, bring your own sugar! Mum, it's not funny.
I know.
There's none left for your cornflakes in the morning.
Oh, don't worry.
We all know you didn't do it.
- You got away with it, then, Dad.
- Harvey, why is this happening? - Why are the Black Shirts starting this again? - I dunno.
But I've got a rough idea.
Where's my coat? - You go on up, dear.
I'll make the cocoa.
- (Knock on door) - You expecting someone at this time of night? - No.
No.
- Mrs Baldock? - Yes? - Councillor Moon.
- Oh.
Come in.
Sorry.
We never stop, do we? - Is Reg in? - Yes, he's in the kitchen.
- Got him doing the washing up? - Yes.
Well, I think I'll go on up.
Good night, dear.
Hello, "dear".
What do you want? I've got nothing to say to you.
Well, I have to you, sunshine.
If you don't do something about it sharpish, - I'll do a beans and rice job.
- What? I'll spill the beans to your old lady about Linda Rice.
- What are you talking about? - Come on, Reg.
Everyone knows about you and young Linda except your old lady.
What do you want? - Don't come the old soldier.
You know well.
- Look, I can't help you.
Well, you better! I've had stolen ration books planted in my filing cabinet, Black Shirts in dog collars, coppers frightening my mum and you accusing me of spivving in front of the whole council! - Who's behind all this? - How should I know? You're in collusion.
What I wanna know is why? Getting mixed up with that Black Shirt scum.
You're not a bad sort for a Tory.
Silly me.
I forgot my library book.
Oh, Reginald, you haven't even put the milk on.
Oh, I was just about to.
And do make Councillor Moon a drink.
That's very kind.
- You're a Labour councillor.
- Yes.
But on some issues, Reg and I are on the same side.
- Like we were against Hitler.
- Exactly.
Do you know a Miss Linda Rice, Mrs Baldock? - Don't think so.
- Pretty girl.
Works for your husband.
- Oh, I know.
I've seen her in the shop.
- She is a constituent of mine.
- She's come to me with a problem.
- That's right.
- Girls on their own.
Christmas - Well, I'll let you get on.
Good night, Mr Moon.
Don't stay up all night.
- You bastard.
- I didn't tell her, though.
I could have.
They've got me over a barrel.
We could have dealt with them together.
My wife's a very possessive woman.
There was another girl.
During the war.
We nearly split up then.
She'd leave me and take the children this time.
- So that's why you dropped me in it.
- I had to.
They forced me.
They haven't forgiven you for that duffing up your mob gave them last summer.
They said you were definitely on the fiddle and wouldn't do anything about it cos it's true.
- So they've got us both now.
- They tell the wife, it'll destroy me.
Make a public apology or I'll destroy you! Your wife will get a surprise Christmas morning and it's not Jingle Bells.
- What have you done to this loaf? - Leave off, Sis.
I've lost count now.
We got some big mice around here! What you doing? I'm trying to share out last night's carol money.
But three into two-and-four won't go.
- But two into two-and-four would.
- What do you mean? Well, Veronica.
Why bring her along? Because it was her idea.
- She only knows one carol.
- Well, she means well.
She's losing us money.
Would you give money to someone going, "La, la, la, crisp and even"? I hope that kettle's on.
I'm freezing.
I had to stand on the bus all the way.
You ain't Ivor Novello yourself.
Ooh, my feet are killing me.
Well, you'd better put them up cos you'll be needing them.
- Ain't you seen Leo today? - No.
- Oh, so you don't know then, do ya? - What? You're in the dancing final after all.
No, we lost.
But Leo says you're through by accident.
This woman ran over her husband.
What? Leo got this call dinnertime saying Mr and Mrs Vaughan won't be in the final cos he can't walk, cos she ran him over whilst he was having an affair outside Woolworth's.
He was having an affair outside Woolworth's? This was in Chelmsford.
Chelmsford? Yeah, Chelmsford.
When she found out, she got in her car, drove from Enfield to Chelmsford, saw them coming out this fish and chip shop together, went up on the pavement, missed her, straight over his foot.
So you're through! - Never? - Yes! - You're joking! - No! Must be 30 miles, Chelmsford! (Chatter) Glad it's only once a year.
Seems to come round quicker.
Sign of age, Harv.
Didn't think he'd have the nerve to show his face.
I've had a word with him.
I think it cleared the air.
Ladies and gentlemen.
The purpose of this little gathering is for everyone to relax and enjoy themselves.
We don't want any long speeches, even from me.
Now I just want, on behalf of the Lady Mayoress and myself, to thank both parties and our council employees for all their efforts in the very difficult year of 1947.
Regardless of parties, we've all been working for Hackney.
Sounds like a long speech to me.
Thanks for coming to my cocktail party.
Next year, maybe we'll be able to lay our hands on some real cocktails.
Thank you.
Now, are you coming down The Bell for a pint? Hold on.
Wait for the cabaret.
Please.
I-I-I would like to make a statement.
I realise this is a Christmas party and I don't wish to introduce a sour note, but there have been accusations made, by me, which may have been misunderstood.
And since the Press are here it seems a good opportunity to er to clarify.
What's he on about? It's been a difficult year, 1947, as the Mayor said.
He also said no long speeches.
Some of us think it's been made harder by some grabbing more than their share of what little is going.
When some people help themselves to stolen ration books This don't sound like an apology.
You know who I'm talking about, don't you, Councillor Moon? Hackney Gazette.
Have you anything to say about Councillor Baldock's accusations? - If I get hold of him, I'll break his neck.
- Is that on the record, Councillor Moon? (Dance music) (Sighs) I knew I shouldn't have worn new shoes for the final.
Don't enter these no more.
Bad for your nerves.
- Rita, you look quite beautiful.
- Oh, blimey, look! - They've started without you! - It's a practice, Veronica.
- Oh! - Coo-ey! - Fancy meeting you all here.
- That's all I need.
What a coincidence, eh? - Of all the dance halls - I invited them, Veronica.
You invited them? We've come to cheer you on.
Rita has a touch of pre-fight nerves.
Is there general dancing, you know, for non-competitors? Afterwards, yes.
- What's your number? - Eh? They've all got numbers on.
Oh, no, I'm not a competitor.
Are those the new shoes I've heard so much about? - Yeah.
So? - Ooh, very nice.
Look a bit tight, mind.
Or have your feet swelled up? - If you're all here, where's Stan? - Stan's with Dad.
Relax, Rita.
I'm like a cat on hot bricks.
Should be light on your feet, then, eh, Mrs Moon? Now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've all been waiting for.
The finals of this year's Lightest Feet Ballroom Dancing Championships.
Good luck.
We have 12 couples who are going to show us how light they are on their feet.
Which is just as well because it's a very old dance floor.
But seriously, good luck to all our competitors and may we, without further ado, have on the floor, please, our first four couples for the waltz.
(Applause) Break a leg, Mrs Moon.
What? Ssh! It's what actors say to each other.
I saw it in a film once.
Oh.
(Orchestra starts playing) Smile.
IRVING BERLIN: I'll Be Loving You Always Oh.
Have they given up, then? - She's hurt.
- They can't win now they've walked off.
I knew she'd have trouble with them feet.
You did say, didn't ya? Ooh.
Here they come.
She ain't 'alf limping.
Oh, what a shame.
Thank you for saying what you said.
- Well, I didn't mean it.
- Ow! - Was it the shoes? - Yes.
- Everyone keep calm.
- I am calm.
I thought you lot was only at football matches.
- No, love.
Does it hurt? - Yes.
I've got a corn plaster in my handbag.
- Where you going? - See if Frieda wants a hand.
- These stairs.
- Shouldn't run out of salt.
- Is that all the sympathy I get? - Don't have to do the veg upstairs.
- Frieda's doing the bird, I'm trimmings.
- Why not do 'em together? - Not the same if I don't do it on my stove.
- Bonkers.
Ask her if she's got some dripping.
- You ask her.
- I've got my hand full with the salt.
- Heavy, is it? - I need one hand for the banister.
I said you should share Oh, never mind.
- All right? - I hope so.
Stanley's looking forward to his first kosher turkey.
It doesn't taste that different.
I hope he won't be disappointed.
No decorations or tree.
- He knows about Erich and Christmas.
- Did he like his present? This is sad on its own.
I would have sent you one.
Oh, it's from him.
Dinner, New Year's Eve.
You won't be able to go.
- Why not? - I'm taking you out.
The works.
Really? Have you asked me? - I just told you.
- Told me? A wonderful invitation.
How do I choose between the two? - Don't you wanna go out with me? - I would like to be asked! Well, go out with Adrian.
Bloody stupid name for a bloke.
I've just come for the dripping.
For the spuds.
- Yes, of course.
- It don't half smell good.
Harvey.
Just - Is that enough? - Yeah, fine.
Fat lot you know about cooking.
(Chortles) Harvey, I'm warning you.
I've had enough.
Adrian sells my paintings, nothing more.
His mother probably wanted a girl.
Oh, I didn't hear you come back.
I had a shave.
I was changing into my slippers.
Aw, never mind.
Perhaps somebody will buy you a new pair for Christmas.
I must dash.
Gotta get the taters in.
Harvey likes 'em crisp.
- So say it.
- Promise.
Hello.
Can I wish you a merry Christmas? Thank you, Harvey.
You may wish it.
For your mother.
Oh, blimey, the kids'll be chuffed pink.
Didn't think you'd have time with the Christmas rush.
The rush is my last worry.
I may not be open by the new year.
Oh, Erich, cheer up.
You'll ruin the day for everyone else.
I'll pretend I'm not worried that people are trying to ruin me.
I got the veggies in.
Oh, Erich, that's lovely.
There you are.
You thought you'd forget that, didn't you? Oh, thank you.
Is this what Frieda's always giving you? That camel? Ooh, I love them cra-a-a-a-ackers (Rasps) crackers.
(Coughs) No wonder they've got humps.
Erich, I have something for you.
- What do I want with a Christmas present? - No, open it.
Sure you don't need a prescription for this? - What is this? - Ooh! Kitchens and lavvies.
Ooh, that's nice.
You gonna have them framed? No, Mrs Moon, this is evidence.
To show there are plenty of kitchens like Erich's in Hackney.
Oh, yeah That's very sweet of you, Frieda.
Thank you.
But the anti-Semites in the Health Department Erich, it's nothing to do with being Jewish.
It's just hard luck.
- What, being Jewish? - No, that they picked your shop.
My mate on the committee, he's written down here what you gotta do.
As long as you go through the motions.
- That's wonderful, Erich.
- Thank you, Harvey.
I don't know what to say.
- Don't say anything.
We're mates.
- That's what we call a Christmas spirit.
Keep your morals up.
Have a camel.
Kimmel.
BOTH: Kümmel.
No, I'll I'll have what I had before.
Here y'are.
Oh, thanks, love.
Ooh.
I wish you was in plaster.
- Why? - I could write "Merry Christmas" on your ankle.
Well, it ain't.
- Does it hurt? - Nah.
Can you move it? Mum, can I open some presents? Wait till you get round your nan's.
- Well, you did open your present from me.
- No, you opened it.
- It's nice, though, innit? - Yeah, it's lovely.
Keeping my neck warm.
Oh, all right, as I won't be round your nan's.
- Weren't you invited? - Yeah, but Leo invited me first.
You can open my present to you.
Oh, thanks, Mum.
It's a bit small.
Good things come in small packages.
(Knock on door) Hang on.
- (Knock more persistent) - Mags, would you answer that? (Gasps) Oh, it's a Biro! None of the other kids have got this in my class.
Mum, it's a telegram.
Open it.
Oh - Give us it 'ere.
- It's addressed to me.
- It's from Tom.
He's in Cairo.
- That ain't India.
Ssh! "Had to go home to sort out family problems.
Stop.
Sorry but was unable to contact you.
Stop.
- Got first boat out.
Stop" - What's he keep stopping for? "I hope we may meet again one day.
Stop.
Merry Christmas.
Stop.
Love, Tom.
Stop.
" Oh, there you are, love.
He didn't pack you in.
You may never see him again but he didn't pack you in.
- Be careful now.
- They're really heavy.
(All talk at once) This is all Nan's fault, going upstairs.
I really hate Brussels sprouts.
You don't have to eat 'em! - Glass of beer, Harvey? - Why not? - Erich? - No, I'll stick with the Kümmel.
- Who's gonna make the gravy? - I'll do it.
I'm famished.
(Phone rings) Hello.
Merry Christmas.
Who? Yeah, hang on, I'll get him for ya.
- Harvey, would you carve the turkey? - There's a phone call for ya.
Erich should.
It's his house.
- I'm not very good with poultry.
- I don't mind carving it.
- If somebody will hold it still.
- (Laughter) Hello? I just wanted to wish you Merry Christmas, Councillor Moon.
Who is that? Baldock? Yeah, that's right.
You got a bleedin' cheek! - I just wanted to say how sorry I am.
- I should think so after last night.
- I told the wife.
- Eh? They found out you'd been round.
They said unless I repeated the accusation, they'd tell Mildred.
Then they told her anyway.
Oh, no.
Reg, look, I'm sorry.
I know I said I'd tell her but I-I-I wouldn't have done.
You drove me to it.
- Is she there? - Nah.
She's gone.
Taken the children.
(Sighs) I told you to stand up to 'em.
I know.
(Sighs) Well, I just wanted to say I was sorry and wish you a happy New Year.
You all right? Nah.
But it doesn't matter.
What I did was stupid.
Getting mixed up with Linda Rice was stupid.
Last night I was really stupid.
Now I'm gonna be sensible.
Hello? Reg? You'll find them all Doing the Lambeth walk, oi! Everything's free and easy Do as you darn well pleasey Why don't you make your way there? Go there, stay there Every little Lambeth gal With a little Lambeth pal You'll find them all Doing the Lambeth walk, oi! (Knock on door) (Hissing) (Gasps) I just pulled one turkey out of the oven.
I could have done without this.
(Coughs) Hello.
Yeah.
I want an ambulance.
There's a geezer dozed off with his head in the oven.
27 Rossiter Road.
Yeah.
He's still breathing.
Eh? Yeah.
Course I'll wait.
Hackney Gazette? Right.
You're halfway through your Christmas dinner? You're halfway further than I got.
Look, I got something for you.
What you lads call a scoop.
Yeah? Look, make your way to the home of Reginald Baldock and he'll have a very interesting statement to make.
Yeah.
Reggie!