Son of a Critch (2022) s04e02 Episode Script
Field Party
1
What you have today?
- School ?
- Deadly.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): A new school
meant that former bullies
somehow became buddies.
MIDDLE FOX: Aah!
ADULT MARK (V.O.): And new
bullies bullied us both.
- You're dead, Jason.
- My name's not Jason.
That's what it says on your arm.
MIDDLE FOX: This is me brother's hoodie.
My name's Rodney!
Yeah, uh, most everybody
calls him Fox, though.
Funny story, his sister
has the same nickname.
His older brother, too. You
might have seen him around.
He's the school janitor.
Sorry. I'm interrupting.
I thought you St. Bridget's
kids were supposed to be tough.
Oh, I-I assure you,
we are not, honestly.
Uh, I mean, Fox uh, Rodney
here is arguably the toughest,
and as you can see, he won't be
winning WrestleMania any time soon.
My name's Mark.
Uh, where did you go to school?
St. Rita's.
You St. Bridget's dicks
better watch your backs.
Oh, really?
I'll have you know I am a
St. Bridget's dick myself.
Wanna try your luck?
No, Sister.
See ya 'round.
Nice meeting you.
♪
♪
[MARY SIGHS]
[CLEARS THROAT]
I need a ride downtown.
I am not going nowhere
in that jeezly car.
The muffler's shot.
Sounds like I'm driving a lawnmower.
Well, get it fixed!
We don't got any money
for that until payday!
In fact, we don't got any money at all.
Well, I need a ride to
get my moose licence.
[SCOFFS] Moose licence?
[LAUGHS]
What are you gonna do,
strangle it to death?
I am not wasting gas.
I gotta get groceries.
A moose is all the
groceries you'll ever need.
Look, take me now.
I'll put ten bucks in 'er.
- Fifteen.
- Twelve.
Fine!
As soon as I get my cheque.
What?
Geez!
Well, gentlemen, my wife wants
to spend more time in Florida,
so I'm gonna be selling the station.
- Mr. Murphy, you can't just
- I don't want to hear it, Mike.
My doctor says I'm one bad day away
from leaving here in a box.
I'm done, Mike.
It's all right for ye two,
but me and Mike here
are too young to retire.
You need to get the ratings
up so I can get a better price.
VOAQ is kicking our arse!
Show 'em what you showed me, Mike.
The, uh, winner's spotlight.
VOAQ's dressing this guy
up in a superhero suit
and having him hand out cash
and stickers for your car.
I know. Half the cars in town got 'em.
And now we will too.
DICK: [GASPS] Stickers!
Cool!
If you scratch 'em,
do they have the smell?
MIKE SR: Mr. Murphy,
with all due respect,
that's almost a total
rip-off of the VOAQ campaign.
Not "almost," Mike.
It's a total rip-off!
Because
It works!
Gertie, get in here.
I give you
Logo girl!
Well, look at you, Gertie.
Help
Save me!
Pick me up and fly me to your bat cage
and put me in your spider web!
You're mixing up a lot
of superheroes there, bud.
I am not doing this.
I should be on the phones.
This is embarrassing.
I suppose that's why they have the mask.
It's sexist.
Sex sells, Gertie.
Uh, Mr. Murphy, before
you get yourself sued,
I think Gertie has a point.
She'd be better used at her desk,
where she is very much appreciated.
Gertie, you can take that off now.
Don't even think about it, dick.
I want results, Mike!
And I want 'em today!
Today, Mike!
Mike, just get on the phones
and hire a student
or something, will ya?
And make sure they
have a driver's licence.
[SIGHS]
I can't lose this job! I
live in the company house.
Somebody'll buy the station, right?
Yes, but who's gonna wanna
buy two old fellers like us?
[MACHINE WHIRRING]
[SIGHS] Frig!
[WOOD SLAMS DOWN]
You okay?
Yeah, it's just dumb cutting board.
Want some help?
I'm not an idiot.
No, this place just sucks.
What kind of wood-shop
doesn't have a planer?
[SIGHS]
What's your name?
Fox.
Uh, Jennifer.
Fox is just a dumb nickname.
I'm sick of it.
I'm Brad.
Did you go to St. Bridget's?
- So?
- Nah, it's cool.
I know a couple kids from there.
Hey, me and my friends are
having a field party tonight,
up at the quarry. Why don't you come?
I got a boyfriend, arsehole.
It's not like that.
Bring him. Bring whoever.
MR. REARDON: Hey.
Cutting boards aren't
gonna cut themselves.
[SIGHS]
See you tonight?
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Stage combat is the illusion of danger.
The minute the audience is
worried about you getting hurt,
it's game over, right?
You just lost them.
It's called "fight
choreography" for a reason.
You're dancing, right?
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Perfect.
I was a lover, not a fighter.
Giddy up!
[CLEARS THROAT]
Oh, calm, dishonourable,
vile submission!
Tybalt, you rat-catcher, will you walk?
What wouldst thou have with me?
Oh, good king of cats,
nothing but one of your nine lives!
I am for you!
I don't believe you.
She's got a knife on you, man!
Protect yourself.
MR. LEWIS: Good. Excellent.
- I am for you!
- Come, sir.
Your passado.
Gentlemen
For shame. Forbear this outrage.
Hold, Tybalt.
Good Mercutio.
- Ah!
- Ah
I am hurt!
A plague on both your houses!
They have made worms' meat of me.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): I was a natural.
If there was one thing I was good at,
it was getting my ass kicked.
- MR. LEWIS: Yeah!
- [APPLAUSE]
Right on.
You were born for this, buddy.
♪
[CAR RATTLING]
God, that muffler's so bloody loud,
even I can hear it!
Get used to it till payday.
Oh, that reminds me.
Could I just borrow a few bucks?
You know, for the moose licence.
You've got about as much chance
of killing a moose as I do!
[CHUCKLES] Well, the way you're
driving, it's almost inevitable.
- Yeah.
- [SIREN WAILING]
Oh, flying friggers!
We're getting pulled over!
Pigs! Where? Oh!
Do we need to toss anything?
[SIREN WAILING]
[CAR SHUTS OFF]
[SOUND OF BOOTS ON GRAVEL]
Good day, Officer.
You've been caught in
VOAQ's winner's spotlight!
Pick a lucky envelope
for your chance to win 25,
50, or 100 dollars.
Oh, I'm sorry, we can't. My husband
Oh, I could you
give us a moment, sir?
Thank you.
Don't you start!
Look, if we win 100,
then there's a little
something in it for both of us.
Just think of it as God's way of saying
he wants you to have a muffler.
And he wants me to have a moose. Hm?
Fine.
- But if Mike finds out
- Oh, pssht!
Well, I think we're ready to play!
Yeah.
- FOX: Come here! [GIGGLES]
- Aah!
Look, I like making out just
as much as the next fella,
but I'm gonna be late for advanced lit.
Okay, no, no, no, shut it, shut it.
Do you wanna go to a party tonight?
- Ritche's having a party?
- No.
- Tina?
- No!
We don't have any other friends.
Okay, it's this guy
Brad from my shop class.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Brad!
A boy who could use power tools.
Oh, well, I had a good run.
- I don't wanna go.
- Come on.
Rodney can drive us.
It'll be fun. It's a field party.
Like a garden party?
JASON: Oh, sooky baby never
been to a field party before?
Frig off, loser.
Well, now, you're in my office!
What happens at a field party?
Beer, smokes.
Got mattresses and everything up there.
More cushion for the pushin'.
Gross.
Better be careful, though.
Kids from the Protestant schools
goes drinkin' up there too.
You know, it can get a little tangly.
- How so?
- Fights, b'y.
Why would we fight the Protestant kids?
We don't even know them.
'Cause they're Protestants, b'y!
You don't need a reason!
You ever heard of Irish troubles?
It's in your culture!
Mind your own business, Jason.
Look
You got your theatre geeks, but
I never met anyone since
we came here. Please?
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Every instinct I had
told me to say no,
but she was the one person
I could never say no to.
Sure. Whatever you want.
I love you.
If you need someone to
buy you beer, you know
I could come.
Loser.
- [DOOR SLAMS]
- [SIGHS]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
You gone, Dad?
Oh, uh, hi.
Am I in the right place?
Sorry, uh
I thought you were my
Father.
You are very obviously not!
You, uh 'Cause you are
Are you here to pick up a prize, or ?
Oh, no, I'm here about the job.
The stickers?
It's yours. You got it.
That's it? There's no
Interview or anything?
Right. Um
Yes. I have a
Question for you here.
Somewhere.
Um
It's [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
[FLIPPING PAGES]
Do you have a driver's licence?
Yeah.
Ah.
Then you're hired.
[LAUGHS]
MARY: Friggin' thing won't come off!
Packin' Commander Q!
Here. Here's, uh, turpentine.
Nature's do-over.
Oh, good God!
It's sticking more!
Oh, what's wrong with the car now?
Nothing. The muffler's acting up again.
We got no money to fix
that. Not until payday.
- Or do we?
- [LIGHT SLAP]
What ?
Why don't you go in the house and relax?
Hell of a day, Mary.
I got some bad news.
Well, you can tell me inside, hm?
Yeah.
Oh, I almost forgot.
Mr. Murphy'll kill me if I
don't stick this on the car.
- MARY: Mike, no!
- Pop: No!
Good God!
♪
Can't friggin' believe it.
[CREAKING SOUND]
You gotta hold that
door or she'll fly open.
She don't close.
You sure this is safe?
Yeah, it's fine.
Uh, unless it rains.
Then you gotta pull this
string to move the wiper.
You need gas.
FOX: Ah, none of that stuff works.
How do you know if you run outta gas?
The car stops. Duh.
Do you even have your licence?
Yeah, he's got his learner's permit.
Same thing.
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
I wasn't worried about
the field party anymore.
I'd never make it there, so why worry?
We should get gas.
- Got no money.
- Uh, we'll chip in.
Okay.
[SIGHS] How much have we got?
Ah, almost five bucks.
That's pretty good.
[WINDOW SQUEAKING]
Whatta ya at, sooky babies?
What are you doing here?
Gettin' some air for
me pedal bike, losers!
I was gonna go check
out the field party.
Got beer money, do ya?
It's gas money.
Can't show up to a
field party without beer.
You'll be killed.
He's not wrong.
I'll buy it for ya if you gives me two.
Six in a box.
You each gets one, and I gets two,
'cause I'm a grown-up.
No way.
Wait. Let's get beer!
- But you buy it.
- Me? What ? Why not him?
'Cause we can't show
up with the janitor,
and you look the oldest.
- Hey, I'm older.
- Yeah, but you're an idiot.
- Oh.
- Come on, you can do it.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): I just
couldn't say no to her.
[ELEVATOR MUSIC PLAYING]
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
Decisions, decisions
[ELEVATOR MUSIC CONTINUES]
ADULT MARK (V.O.): How hard could it be?
I was a trained actor.
[SIGHS]
Hello, me love. Hell of a day, huh?
Figured I'd crack a cold one.
Oh, no smokes for me today.
Ah, the missus is after me to quit.
She did want me to get
a lottery ticket, though.
I mean, can you believe it?
You know, you ask me, they're
harder to quit than the smokes.
I always use my lucky number.
The year I was born.
Shove over, losers!
Takes a real man to buy beer.
Party time, dicks!
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
["NEW ORLEANS IS SINKING"
BY TRAGICALLY HIP PLAYING]
♪
JASON: [LAUGHS] Wicked!
ADULT MARK (V.O.): I was
out of my comfort zone.
It was like Wicker Man meets Degrassi.
BRAD: Hey, you made it.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): That's Brad?
BRAD: Here. Just like drinking lemonade.
Everything's cooler with a cooler.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Fox's new friend
was my new bully.
Uh, these are my
friends Mark and Ritche.
And, uh, that's my brother, Rodney.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): It was a trap.
Guys, come on, don't be weird. Say hi.
- I'm Jason. I'm the, um
- Janitor?
- Hey.
- FOX: What's going on?
So, Mark, you gonna tell her?
Wait, you know him?
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Oh, well,
at least I was gonna pass
my Lord of the Flies quiz.
So, how much did you win?
Just a hundred.
I hope it was worth it.
Oh, Mike, it's only a game!
They announce the names of
the winners on the radio, Mary.
What will I tell my boss when he asks me
if you're the same Mary Critch
who won a hundred bucks on VOAQ?
There's something else.
What is it you wanted to tell me?
- Don't go changing the topic.
- Tell me.
[SIGHS]
He's selling the station.
What?
- POP: Well, screw him, then!
- Oh, for the love of God.
Look, I'm owed 50 dollars.
Which is the exact amount
for my moose licence.
We don't even have a deep freeze.
This is Newfoundland!
I'll toss it in a snowbank!
Just keep the money, alright?
It doesn't matter anymore!
A hundred bucks.
Is that the price of
loyalty around here now?
And what if the new boss
says we can't live here, Mary?
What then, hey?
'Cause rent's gonna be a hell of
a lot more than a hundred bucks!
Mike!
Can't believe you St.
Bridget's suckers actually came.
But you asked us.
He tricked you. He wants your brother.
- What?
- Yeah?
Well, you can't hit a teacher!
- [LOUD SMACK]
- Oh!
You're not a teacher.
FOX: Come on.
We gotta get outta here!
♪
♪
ADULT MARK (V.O.): I'd spent
my whole life running away.
But no longer.
What this situation
called for was more drama.
Oh, calm, dishonourable,
vile submission!
For frig's sake.
[CARS APPROACHING]
♪
♪
Hey! This is our field!
We go to Beaconsfield!
You Catholics better shag
off from where you came from!
You were St. Rita's,
we were St. Bridget's,
but none of that matters anymore!
Look, we're Holy Heart now.
We fight together.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Nothing
brings people together
like a common enemy.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Back to the car, back to the car!
Go, go, go!
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
As Shakespeare once said,
cowards die many times
before their deaths.
The Valiant never taste
of death but once.
I would live to die another day.
Hey, Dick, you wanna
meet the new girl I hired?
Do I?
[SNIFFS]
Where's she to?
Dick Dunphy, meet
Logo girl.
Well, hello, me lovely!
I gotta say, you fills
out that suit pretty
Hi.
Dad.
MIKE JR: What?
Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no.
Stop staring at her!
Uh
That outfit is sexist.
I'm gonna give you two some space.
Hey, really nice meeting you!
You you can't work here.
I don't want you living
the same kind of life I did.
I waited in that diner
for hours for you.
So you don't get a say in
the kind of life I'll have.
You lost that right when
you walked out on mine.
And I don't need a father.
But I do need a job.
You weren't there for
me when I needed you,
so please don't stand in
my way now that I don't.
[POIGNANT MUSIC]
[CAR HONKS]
- You're crazy.
- Crazy about you.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Some
things are worth fighting for.
Some people, too.
[CAR SPUTTERS]
RODNEY: Crap, we're outta gas.
Idiot!
RITCHE: You're the one who
spent the gas money on beer.
- [SIREN WAILING]
- Cops!
Uh, act sober!
We are sober! They stole our beer.
[KNOCK ON WINDOW]
[WINDOW SQUEAKING]
Is there a problem, Officer?
Hi, I'm Logo Girl!
Pick an envelope for your chance
to win up to a hundred dollars.
[ALL CHUCKLE]
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
Sometimes you find yourself
in the right place at the right time.
And if you're there
with the right people,
well, it doesn't get
any better than that.
Making new friends is
great, but keeping old ones,
that's the best.
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
What you have today?
- School ?
- Deadly.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): A new school
meant that former bullies
somehow became buddies.
MIDDLE FOX: Aah!
ADULT MARK (V.O.): And new
bullies bullied us both.
- You're dead, Jason.
- My name's not Jason.
That's what it says on your arm.
MIDDLE FOX: This is me brother's hoodie.
My name's Rodney!
Yeah, uh, most everybody
calls him Fox, though.
Funny story, his sister
has the same nickname.
His older brother, too. You
might have seen him around.
He's the school janitor.
Sorry. I'm interrupting.
I thought you St. Bridget's
kids were supposed to be tough.
Oh, I-I assure you,
we are not, honestly.
Uh, I mean, Fox uh, Rodney
here is arguably the toughest,
and as you can see, he won't be
winning WrestleMania any time soon.
My name's Mark.
Uh, where did you go to school?
St. Rita's.
You St. Bridget's dicks
better watch your backs.
Oh, really?
I'll have you know I am a
St. Bridget's dick myself.
Wanna try your luck?
No, Sister.
See ya 'round.
Nice meeting you.
♪
♪
[MARY SIGHS]
[CLEARS THROAT]
I need a ride downtown.
I am not going nowhere
in that jeezly car.
The muffler's shot.
Sounds like I'm driving a lawnmower.
Well, get it fixed!
We don't got any money
for that until payday!
In fact, we don't got any money at all.
Well, I need a ride to
get my moose licence.
[SCOFFS] Moose licence?
[LAUGHS]
What are you gonna do,
strangle it to death?
I am not wasting gas.
I gotta get groceries.
A moose is all the
groceries you'll ever need.
Look, take me now.
I'll put ten bucks in 'er.
- Fifteen.
- Twelve.
Fine!
As soon as I get my cheque.
What?
Geez!
Well, gentlemen, my wife wants
to spend more time in Florida,
so I'm gonna be selling the station.
- Mr. Murphy, you can't just
- I don't want to hear it, Mike.
My doctor says I'm one bad day away
from leaving here in a box.
I'm done, Mike.
It's all right for ye two,
but me and Mike here
are too young to retire.
You need to get the ratings
up so I can get a better price.
VOAQ is kicking our arse!
Show 'em what you showed me, Mike.
The, uh, winner's spotlight.
VOAQ's dressing this guy
up in a superhero suit
and having him hand out cash
and stickers for your car.
I know. Half the cars in town got 'em.
And now we will too.
DICK: [GASPS] Stickers!
Cool!
If you scratch 'em,
do they have the smell?
MIKE SR: Mr. Murphy,
with all due respect,
that's almost a total
rip-off of the VOAQ campaign.
Not "almost," Mike.
It's a total rip-off!
Because
It works!
Gertie, get in here.
I give you
Logo girl!
Well, look at you, Gertie.
Help
Save me!
Pick me up and fly me to your bat cage
and put me in your spider web!
You're mixing up a lot
of superheroes there, bud.
I am not doing this.
I should be on the phones.
This is embarrassing.
I suppose that's why they have the mask.
It's sexist.
Sex sells, Gertie.
Uh, Mr. Murphy, before
you get yourself sued,
I think Gertie has a point.
She'd be better used at her desk,
where she is very much appreciated.
Gertie, you can take that off now.
Don't even think about it, dick.
I want results, Mike!
And I want 'em today!
Today, Mike!
Mike, just get on the phones
and hire a student
or something, will ya?
And make sure they
have a driver's licence.
[SIGHS]
I can't lose this job! I
live in the company house.
Somebody'll buy the station, right?
Yes, but who's gonna wanna
buy two old fellers like us?
[MACHINE WHIRRING]
[SIGHS] Frig!
[WOOD SLAMS DOWN]
You okay?
Yeah, it's just dumb cutting board.
Want some help?
I'm not an idiot.
No, this place just sucks.
What kind of wood-shop
doesn't have a planer?
[SIGHS]
What's your name?
Fox.
Uh, Jennifer.
Fox is just a dumb nickname.
I'm sick of it.
I'm Brad.
Did you go to St. Bridget's?
- So?
- Nah, it's cool.
I know a couple kids from there.
Hey, me and my friends are
having a field party tonight,
up at the quarry. Why don't you come?
I got a boyfriend, arsehole.
It's not like that.
Bring him. Bring whoever.
MR. REARDON: Hey.
Cutting boards aren't
gonna cut themselves.
[SIGHS]
See you tonight?
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Stage combat is the illusion of danger.
The minute the audience is
worried about you getting hurt,
it's game over, right?
You just lost them.
It's called "fight
choreography" for a reason.
You're dancing, right?
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Perfect.
I was a lover, not a fighter.
Giddy up!
[CLEARS THROAT]
Oh, calm, dishonourable,
vile submission!
Tybalt, you rat-catcher, will you walk?
What wouldst thou have with me?
Oh, good king of cats,
nothing but one of your nine lives!
I am for you!
I don't believe you.
She's got a knife on you, man!
Protect yourself.
MR. LEWIS: Good. Excellent.
- I am for you!
- Come, sir.
Your passado.
Gentlemen
For shame. Forbear this outrage.
Hold, Tybalt.
Good Mercutio.
- Ah!
- Ah
I am hurt!
A plague on both your houses!
They have made worms' meat of me.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): I was a natural.
If there was one thing I was good at,
it was getting my ass kicked.
- MR. LEWIS: Yeah!
- [APPLAUSE]
Right on.
You were born for this, buddy.
♪
[CAR RATTLING]
God, that muffler's so bloody loud,
even I can hear it!
Get used to it till payday.
Oh, that reminds me.
Could I just borrow a few bucks?
You know, for the moose licence.
You've got about as much chance
of killing a moose as I do!
[CHUCKLES] Well, the way you're
driving, it's almost inevitable.
- Yeah.
- [SIREN WAILING]
Oh, flying friggers!
We're getting pulled over!
Pigs! Where? Oh!
Do we need to toss anything?
[SIREN WAILING]
[CAR SHUTS OFF]
[SOUND OF BOOTS ON GRAVEL]
Good day, Officer.
You've been caught in
VOAQ's winner's spotlight!
Pick a lucky envelope
for your chance to win 25,
50, or 100 dollars.
Oh, I'm sorry, we can't. My husband
Oh, I could you
give us a moment, sir?
Thank you.
Don't you start!
Look, if we win 100,
then there's a little
something in it for both of us.
Just think of it as God's way of saying
he wants you to have a muffler.
And he wants me to have a moose. Hm?
Fine.
- But if Mike finds out
- Oh, pssht!
Well, I think we're ready to play!
Yeah.
- FOX: Come here! [GIGGLES]
- Aah!
Look, I like making out just
as much as the next fella,
but I'm gonna be late for advanced lit.
Okay, no, no, no, shut it, shut it.
Do you wanna go to a party tonight?
- Ritche's having a party?
- No.
- Tina?
- No!
We don't have any other friends.
Okay, it's this guy
Brad from my shop class.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Brad!
A boy who could use power tools.
Oh, well, I had a good run.
- I don't wanna go.
- Come on.
Rodney can drive us.
It'll be fun. It's a field party.
Like a garden party?
JASON: Oh, sooky baby never
been to a field party before?
Frig off, loser.
Well, now, you're in my office!
What happens at a field party?
Beer, smokes.
Got mattresses and everything up there.
More cushion for the pushin'.
Gross.
Better be careful, though.
Kids from the Protestant schools
goes drinkin' up there too.
You know, it can get a little tangly.
- How so?
- Fights, b'y.
Why would we fight the Protestant kids?
We don't even know them.
'Cause they're Protestants, b'y!
You don't need a reason!
You ever heard of Irish troubles?
It's in your culture!
Mind your own business, Jason.
Look
You got your theatre geeks, but
I never met anyone since
we came here. Please?
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Every instinct I had
told me to say no,
but she was the one person
I could never say no to.
Sure. Whatever you want.
I love you.
If you need someone to
buy you beer, you know
I could come.
Loser.
- [DOOR SLAMS]
- [SIGHS]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
You gone, Dad?
Oh, uh, hi.
Am I in the right place?
Sorry, uh
I thought you were my
Father.
You are very obviously not!
You, uh 'Cause you are
Are you here to pick up a prize, or ?
Oh, no, I'm here about the job.
The stickers?
It's yours. You got it.
That's it? There's no
Interview or anything?
Right. Um
Yes. I have a
Question for you here.
Somewhere.
Um
It's [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
[FLIPPING PAGES]
Do you have a driver's licence?
Yeah.
Ah.
Then you're hired.
[LAUGHS]
MARY: Friggin' thing won't come off!
Packin' Commander Q!
Here. Here's, uh, turpentine.
Nature's do-over.
Oh, good God!
It's sticking more!
Oh, what's wrong with the car now?
Nothing. The muffler's acting up again.
We got no money to fix
that. Not until payday.
- Or do we?
- [LIGHT SLAP]
What ?
Why don't you go in the house and relax?
Hell of a day, Mary.
I got some bad news.
Well, you can tell me inside, hm?
Yeah.
Oh, I almost forgot.
Mr. Murphy'll kill me if I
don't stick this on the car.
- MARY: Mike, no!
- Pop: No!
Good God!
♪
Can't friggin' believe it.
[CREAKING SOUND]
You gotta hold that
door or she'll fly open.
She don't close.
You sure this is safe?
Yeah, it's fine.
Uh, unless it rains.
Then you gotta pull this
string to move the wiper.
You need gas.
FOX: Ah, none of that stuff works.
How do you know if you run outta gas?
The car stops. Duh.
Do you even have your licence?
Yeah, he's got his learner's permit.
Same thing.
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
I wasn't worried about
the field party anymore.
I'd never make it there, so why worry?
We should get gas.
- Got no money.
- Uh, we'll chip in.
Okay.
[SIGHS] How much have we got?
Ah, almost five bucks.
That's pretty good.
[WINDOW SQUEAKING]
Whatta ya at, sooky babies?
What are you doing here?
Gettin' some air for
me pedal bike, losers!
I was gonna go check
out the field party.
Got beer money, do ya?
It's gas money.
Can't show up to a
field party without beer.
You'll be killed.
He's not wrong.
I'll buy it for ya if you gives me two.
Six in a box.
You each gets one, and I gets two,
'cause I'm a grown-up.
No way.
Wait. Let's get beer!
- But you buy it.
- Me? What ? Why not him?
'Cause we can't show
up with the janitor,
and you look the oldest.
- Hey, I'm older.
- Yeah, but you're an idiot.
- Oh.
- Come on, you can do it.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): I just
couldn't say no to her.
[ELEVATOR MUSIC PLAYING]
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
Decisions, decisions
[ELEVATOR MUSIC CONTINUES]
ADULT MARK (V.O.): How hard could it be?
I was a trained actor.
[SIGHS]
Hello, me love. Hell of a day, huh?
Figured I'd crack a cold one.
Oh, no smokes for me today.
Ah, the missus is after me to quit.
She did want me to get
a lottery ticket, though.
I mean, can you believe it?
You know, you ask me, they're
harder to quit than the smokes.
I always use my lucky number.
The year I was born.
Shove over, losers!
Takes a real man to buy beer.
Party time, dicks!
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
["NEW ORLEANS IS SINKING"
BY TRAGICALLY HIP PLAYING]
♪
JASON: [LAUGHS] Wicked!
ADULT MARK (V.O.): I was
out of my comfort zone.
It was like Wicker Man meets Degrassi.
BRAD: Hey, you made it.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): That's Brad?
BRAD: Here. Just like drinking lemonade.
Everything's cooler with a cooler.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Fox's new friend
was my new bully.
Uh, these are my
friends Mark and Ritche.
And, uh, that's my brother, Rodney.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): It was a trap.
Guys, come on, don't be weird. Say hi.
- I'm Jason. I'm the, um
- Janitor?
- Hey.
- FOX: What's going on?
So, Mark, you gonna tell her?
Wait, you know him?
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Oh, well,
at least I was gonna pass
my Lord of the Flies quiz.
So, how much did you win?
Just a hundred.
I hope it was worth it.
Oh, Mike, it's only a game!
They announce the names of
the winners on the radio, Mary.
What will I tell my boss when he asks me
if you're the same Mary Critch
who won a hundred bucks on VOAQ?
There's something else.
What is it you wanted to tell me?
- Don't go changing the topic.
- Tell me.
[SIGHS]
He's selling the station.
What?
- POP: Well, screw him, then!
- Oh, for the love of God.
Look, I'm owed 50 dollars.
Which is the exact amount
for my moose licence.
We don't even have a deep freeze.
This is Newfoundland!
I'll toss it in a snowbank!
Just keep the money, alright?
It doesn't matter anymore!
A hundred bucks.
Is that the price of
loyalty around here now?
And what if the new boss
says we can't live here, Mary?
What then, hey?
'Cause rent's gonna be a hell of
a lot more than a hundred bucks!
Mike!
Can't believe you St.
Bridget's suckers actually came.
But you asked us.
He tricked you. He wants your brother.
- What?
- Yeah?
Well, you can't hit a teacher!
- [LOUD SMACK]
- Oh!
You're not a teacher.
FOX: Come on.
We gotta get outta here!
♪
♪
ADULT MARK (V.O.): I'd spent
my whole life running away.
But no longer.
What this situation
called for was more drama.
Oh, calm, dishonourable,
vile submission!
For frig's sake.
[CARS APPROACHING]
♪
♪
Hey! This is our field!
We go to Beaconsfield!
You Catholics better shag
off from where you came from!
You were St. Rita's,
we were St. Bridget's,
but none of that matters anymore!
Look, we're Holy Heart now.
We fight together.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Nothing
brings people together
like a common enemy.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Back to the car, back to the car!
Go, go, go!
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
As Shakespeare once said,
cowards die many times
before their deaths.
The Valiant never taste
of death but once.
I would live to die another day.
Hey, Dick, you wanna
meet the new girl I hired?
Do I?
[SNIFFS]
Where's she to?
Dick Dunphy, meet
Logo girl.
Well, hello, me lovely!
I gotta say, you fills
out that suit pretty
Hi.
Dad.
MIKE JR: What?
Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no.
Stop staring at her!
Uh
That outfit is sexist.
I'm gonna give you two some space.
Hey, really nice meeting you!
You you can't work here.
I don't want you living
the same kind of life I did.
I waited in that diner
for hours for you.
So you don't get a say in
the kind of life I'll have.
You lost that right when
you walked out on mine.
And I don't need a father.
But I do need a job.
You weren't there for
me when I needed you,
so please don't stand in
my way now that I don't.
[POIGNANT MUSIC]
[CAR HONKS]
- You're crazy.
- Crazy about you.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Some
things are worth fighting for.
Some people, too.
[CAR SPUTTERS]
RODNEY: Crap, we're outta gas.
Idiot!
RITCHE: You're the one who
spent the gas money on beer.
- [SIREN WAILING]
- Cops!
Uh, act sober!
We are sober! They stole our beer.
[KNOCK ON WINDOW]
[WINDOW SQUEAKING]
Is there a problem, Officer?
Hi, I'm Logo Girl!
Pick an envelope for your chance
to win up to a hundred dollars.
[ALL CHUCKLE]
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
Sometimes you find yourself
in the right place at the right time.
And if you're there
with the right people,
well, it doesn't get
any better than that.
Making new friends is
great, but keeping old ones,
that's the best.
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪