The Boondocks s04e02 Episode Script

I am the stone that the builder refused I am the visual The inspiration that made lady sing the blues I'm the spark that makes your idea bright The same spark that lights the dark So that you can know your left from your right I am the ballot in your box, the bullet in the gun The inner glow that lets you know to call your brother son The story that just begun The promise of what's to come And I'ma remain a soldier till the war is won Chop, chop, chop Judo flip Chop, chop, chop Judo flip Chop, chop, chop Judo flip Chop, chop, chop This is Woodcrest.
An affluent, quiet, tree-lined suburb.
Here is where Robert Jebediah Freeman, war hero and civil-rights legend, decided to spend his final days.
But things didn't quite work out as planned.
Boys! We're right here, Granddad.
Important family announcement.
We are leaving Woodcrest forever.
Our lives have been a complete disaster since we moved here.
True that.
True that.
Now, that's true, Granddad.
We were supposed to have safe, boring lives.
I was supposed to find some hot, financially desperate or sexually frustrated mama and settle down.
But nothing worked out as planned.
It's just been one ridiculous, stupid, bizarre episode after another, and it's all my fault for movin' us here.
I'm taking responsibility.
Well, I say it's about time! I been sayin' this place sucks since we showed up.
Well, I have learned my lesson.
We're leaving.
Wait a minute, Granddad.
What's goin' on? Whatever do you mean, grandson? I mean, you never take responsibility or learn a lesson Ever.
Uh We're broke, aren't we, Granddad? Ehhh Granddad broke? Psh.
Huey, you crazy, boy.
Everybody know Granddad got lots of paper.
Tell him, Granddad.
I'm sorry, boys.
Aw, no, Granddad.
You didn't! Granddad, calm down.
How bad is it? We have no money? Worse.
Worse? What's worse than no money? We're in debt.
Mmm-hmm.
How much? A couple A couple Thousand? Mmm-mmm.
Hundred thousand? Million! I refinanced with that damn adjustable-rate mortgage! The dancing lady in that pop-up ad looked so friendly! How could I know it would shoot up to 21%? Aw, Granddad! Thanks for killin' our future.
I'm sorry.
I'm so So So It's gonna be real embarrassing being the only homeless kid at school, Granddad.
Whoa.
Damn, damn, damn! Good times Any time you meet a payment Good times Any time you need a friend Good times Any time you're out from under Not gettin' hassled, not gettin' hustled Keepin' your head above water Makin' a way when you can Temporary lay-offs Good times Easy credit rip-offs Good times Scratchin' and surviving Good times Hanging in a chow line Good times Ain't we lucky we got 'em? Good times God damn it, boy! You really need all that damn orange juice? From now on, that's all the orange juice you get.
Come on, Granddad.
I'ma still be thirsty after that.
Then drink water.
Listen up.
There gonna be some changes around here.
There he is! Mr.
Freeman, look over here! Mornin', nigga.
It's worth mentioning that Uncle Ruckus is runnin' for mayor.
Why? A couple of years ago A new face in the Republican campaign race From seemingly out of nowhere, a Mr.
Uncle Ruckus.
Financed by billionaire banking tycoons and Mr.
Burns knock-off, Ed Wuncler and his economy-crushing son, Eddie Jr.
This Mr.
Ruckus is not I repeat, not An African-American, but, rather, a Caucasian man suffering from a rare skin condition called "Revitiligo.
" Liberals are, of course, ridiculing this man's disease, which, I can assure you, is completely real Unlike rape.
Yes, that's right.
Uncle Ruckus ran for president and basically almost won.
His standout moment was during the first Republican primary debate.
Uncle Ruckus, give us your strongest critique of President Obama.
One minute I don't need a minute! He's a black sumbitch from the sweaty jungles of Kenya.
I yield the rest of my time.
He's got my vote.
Once national news, now public access, Ruckus continues his service to the American people.
You see, fellow white Americans, this is why I am runnin' for mayor.
Now, bein' black is bad Ain't no question about that.
And being poor is bad, but this nigga has the nerve to be both! Pay your bills, deadbeat nigga.
Ruckus, I don't have time for this.
What are you doin' here? Question is, Robert, what are you doin' here? Here in the white man's house that you cannot afford? Oh, what, what? You thought you could pay your mortgage with food stamps, nigga? Look, you fat, one-eyed bastard! I don't need this today! This is the thanks I get? I was on my way to tape Jimmy Kimmel, and I thought I would stop by and see how y'all niggas was doin'.
Hey, how that black-president thing work out for you? Ruckus, enough! How do you know about my house payments, anyway? You come by to rub it in? No, sir, I did not.
I came by to tell you I quit! Now that I'm an official Woodcrest mayoral candidate, I will no longer work for y'all niggas Mexicans or swarthy Persians.
Fine.
Beat it.
Mr.
Ruckus, are you all right? Get off me, Robert! Get your nigga hands off me! Oh, what a surprise The nigga is resorting to violence.
It'll be okay.
Ed Wuncler and I are old buddies now.
He'll find a way to make it work, right? I mean, last week was the first payment I missed, so I figure that I have about, uh I hope that's that show that builds houses for poor people.
Robert motherfuckin' Freeman.
It's me, Ed Wuncler Jr.
Oh! Huh? Yeah, we never met, but my father talks about you so much, I feel like I know you.
Dad turned over the property management to me.
Whoa.
You're Ed the Third's dad? Well, uh It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr.
Wuncler the Second.
Call me Eddie.
Can I come in? Oh, my goodness! Look at this.
What a lovely home.
The couch is Uh, beautiful, with the the carpet.
Oh, I, I'm sorry.
This is my assistant, Vanderbilt.
You do have a lovely home.
I used to have a lovely home.
Let's see what we have Mmm-hmm? Hmm.
So, look.
I don't want to waste your time.
You know why I'm here.
We're not exactly where I need to be with the house.
Yeah, about that Look, I'm just here to get you the fuck out.
Oh, you shoulda seen your face.
Robert, it's me.
It's your nephew, Eddie.
I'd never kick you out of here.
Pocket change.
Don't need that.
Hey, you check for hollowed-out spaces, eh? You remember those fuckin' nuns was tryin' to hide the thorny crown in the wall? Fuckin' sisters right there.
Hey, man, why you stealin' our stuff? Shut up.
It's his stuff.
No, no, no, this is asset re-management here.
Please, Mr.
Eddie, help yourself.
It's your house.
It's your living room.
It's your, uh Dead grandmother's ashes! Okay, so, look.
I added up your title insurance and your homeowner's policy, and the new rate on your sub-prime, non-prime, under-prime mortgage is $52,000.
47.
You think you can get that to me in, let's say, um, a month? A month? I can't come up with that kind of money in a month! Well, not if you keep puttin' all that negative energy into the universe.
You got to think positive.
Say, "I will get Eddie's money in a month.
" Say it! Watch.
You'll feel better.
I will get Eddie's money in a month.
Agreed! Wait! No! Got to run.
It's all gonna be okay.
I'll see you later.
Chop, chop, Vanderbilt! Nothing is going to be okay.
Listen to me.
Fake your deaths.
Do you hear me? Fake Your Deaths.
Huh? Robert motherfuckin' Freeman! My nigger.
Can I say that? Yes, I can.
Mr.
Wuncler.
Uh Sorry to interrupt you on a Sunday morning at 7:00 am.
I was just wondering if you, um, had that money.
Well, um Mon Money W-w-we, uh You got my money, right? Please, please, please tell me you have my money, Robert, please! Well You see Eddie? Please! Yes, well, I'm workin' on it, but I don't have the money right now.
You don't have my money.
Well, I don't have all of it.
How much you have? Riley! Bring the suitcase with the money! You're fuckin' with me, right? Seriously, where's my money? You don't have my money? I can't believe this! Goddamn! A'ight.
Eddie.
Think.
Wait! I got it! What? The house.
We can make money off the house Together.
We rent out each of the rooms as a separate unit Two bedrooms, guest room, living room and kitchen, attic How much is that, Vanderbilt? More than you're getting now, sir.
What do you think? What do we think about having people move in here? Genius, right? Whoa.
Wait.
Yeah, man, slow down.
I'm tellin' ya, it'll be great.
You guys will love it.
It'll be like a commune.
Huey, you'll have plenty of people to talk to and share all your political ideas.
It'll be like Occupy, but right here at home.
"Occupy my living room.
" Where do we live? The garage! It's damn near like a whole other house.
I'm tellin' you, y'all could HGTV that shit up.
Make this shit fly.
It's never too late to fake your own death.
Can I help you, motherfucker? Hey! Can I help you, motherfucker? Yes, uh, I'm the owner of the house.
You ain't the owner of the house.
Eddie Wuncler's the owner of this house, motherfucker.
Yes, well, I'm Robert Freeman, civil rights I know who you are, motherfucker! I know exactly who you are.
What the fuck do you want? I was hoping to use the bathroom.
There's a bathroom downstairs, motherfucker! Yes, but I would prefer to I prefer you get the fuck out of my face, nigga! Are we about to have a nigga moment? No, please.
I don't wanna have a nigga moment.
I just have to go to the bathroom.
That's it! He rented my bathroom! Oh, that's the whole house.
A man can't truly call himself a man once a stranger's ass cheeks have been on his private toilet! This all your fault, Granddad.
You really turned our life into Good Times.
Our life is not Good Times.
We still live in a nice neighborhood.
Yeah, for now.
You might have to get a job, Granddad.
Why do I have to get a job? Why can't y'all get jobs? Child labor laws, unsafe workplaces, really small hands.
That's garbage! Your generation is just lazy, that's all.
Plus, who's even hiring now? Aw, come on.
I thought you gave up work to run for mayor.
I didn't give up work.
I gave up working for niggas and other colors, like Mexicans and sand people.
Now you better grab some suds and start waxing hoods.
Wax on, wax off, nigga! Damn! What's this thing, electric? Come on, man! Less sweat, more scrub! Look, Lou Gossett Jr.
Is washing my car.
Stop trying to hide inside my trunk.
I don't know why they fired the sand people.
Oh, look at that.
Feel that, nigga? Feel that? That feelin' is called "work.
" That's what white folks been doin' they whole lives.
Shut up, Ruckus.
When do I get paid? I don't know, nigga.
You fired.
Fired? Why? It wasn't me.
The car-wash brass is cuttin' back hours.
Tough luck, nigga.
We'll call you when we need you.
I got laid off at the car wash today.
Aw, man.
What'd you do now? Nothing! It was a temporary lay-off.
Good times Huh? Huh? What the Uncle Ruckus is back on the scene, ruffling small-town feathers with bold ideas.
Barack Hussein Obama thinks black people made this country great.
Now, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
He almost right.
The white half of him right, because the white businessman, that white entrepreneur who had the sense to look at our big, black, African negro man put that nigga in chains, dragged his black ass all the way over here to America to do some productive work.
Now, that's what's made America great! Thank you, fans.
Thank you.
That, my friends, is how come we are losin' to the Chinese Because the Chinaman uses slave labor, and we don't.
Apple Computers don't need to be usin' no Chinese slave labor.
They should be usin' good old-fashioned blacky American slave labor! That's right.
Came in the mail today.
A Gangstalicious card.
It's our key to financial independence.
You got the Gangstalicious card, Granddad? That's right.
The one on the commercial "Gangstalicious card.
Get cash back.
" "You ain't got to sling that crack!" "What?" I got all of 'em The Kardashian card, Lil Wayne card You see, boys? The key to smart finance is Did you read the fine print? Uh $1,500 in fees? What the fuck? God damn it, Lil Wayne! From now on, nobody listen to Lil Wayne or Gangstalicious in this house.
You mean "garage.
" Whatever.
Look at this place.
Yeah, it's so cozy, a-and I love how you arranged the beds.
It's a very economical use of space.
I dig it.
Say, do you mind if we store, uh Something here for just a couple of days? Sure.
Anything.
So, we just came by because the good news is, we've rented all the rooms in your house.
Bad news is, we're still not really makin' a dent in your debt.
I'll just put this in that nice, cool corner.
Uh Sure.
Yeah.
So, y'all had any luck with the money? Maybe million, at least? Something? Eddie, I'm sorry.
We just don't have it.
I'm on a fixed income.
Think, Eddie, think.
Vanderbilt? Find me a way to get Robert that money.
It's impossible, sir.
Their credit is Piss-poor, sir.
No! This man is a customer.
He is a dear family friend.
He is a war hero A civil-rights legend! We must find a way to help him! Well, there is one way.
Huh? At Wuncler Banking, we do believe in offering quality banking services to those with damaged credit.
A loan! Yes! I'll take it! Done! Congratulations! I believe in you, Robert.
I believe in the Freeman family! Freeman family! Freeman family! You're more stupid than I thought.
That went well.
Did you check the interest rate? What's that mean? Y'all know I don't do math.
It means now I'm another million in debt.
It was a rip-off, an easy-credit rip-off! Good times Huh? What is that? Well, at least we're not sangin' in a hurry! Those aren't the lyrics, Granddad.
What is it, "Drink a lot of Jew wine"? No.
"Bangin' with a giant?" It's "Hangin' in the Chow line," Granddad.
Good times Well, boys, this is it Moving day.
So, so unfortunate this is our male role model.
No, you listen to me, you broke, bald motherfucker.
I don't give a fuck about your chemo.
You hear me? I don't give a fuck about your chemo! You get me my money or your fuckin' dead! You're fuckin' dead! You're fuckin' dead! Okay.
See ya.
Ow, ow, ow! Whoops.
Sorry, I was just cuttin' some, uh, meat earlier.
I can't believe it.
This place, this neighborhood, won't be the same without you guys.
Isn't there anyone who can help this man? Yes, sir, Mr.
Kindly Billionaire White man.
Uncle Ruckus can help you with that broke nigga.
Look, it's former presidential candidate and the next mayor of Woodcrest, Uncle Ruckus! You get in there and you do the fuckin' thing I'm talkin' about.
Yeah, the only thing they understand.
Slavery? I don't think about it as "slavery.
" I think about it as investing in people.
I invest in you, you help me.
Help you do what? Yeah, what we got to do in return? It better not be nothin' gay.
No.
It just means you get to live in 100% of the house and, in exchange You own us.
No, I just own 100% of your time until the debt is paid.
That's fair, right? No! Sure, it is.
For example, let's say I come by unannounced, in the middle of the night, and I need you to lend a hand I don't know, washing my spaceship, or, say, digging a six-foot hole in the ground.
You guys will help me, because that's what it's about People helping people.
Simple.
I'll take it! Granddad! You heard me.
I'm takin' the deal.
I want my house back.
It's slavery! It's literally slavery! Oh, we're too good to be slaves? Your ancestors were slaves.
What they say on the internet is true You've forgotten where you came from, Huey.
Granddad, you can't sell yourself into slavery.
Who cares if he owns me? How many years do I have left, anyway? I've been free my whole life, and what has it gotten me? $3 million in debt.
I'm tired of livin' in that garage with you two smelly niggas.
We gonna be broke, might as well get my house back.
I'll sign it.
This is a proud day The day we bring slavery back to America.
Finally, worthless niggas like these now have real value to this country, thanks to the brilliance and generosity of the white man and his well-run financial institution.
I just want to thank Uncle Ruckus for his leadership.
And, of course, to Robert Freeman for having the courage to sign his life away.
I almost forgot I won the bet.
Uh What bet? Oh, we made a bet that I couldn't get you guys to sign yourselves into slavery.
He didn't think I could do it and I won.
And I lost.
Here you go, boss.
One dollar.
Thank you, Vanderbilt.
Ain't we lucky we got 'em Why? Why? Why! No! Good times