The Detour (2016) s04e02 Episode Script

1 [Slow music plays.]
Robin: I'm so happy you're home.
I'm so happy to be home.
Get in my arms right now! Oh, my God.
You cut all your hair off.
- Yeah, it's fun.
- Is it? Eh.
You need a haircut.
What do you think of the posters? Oh, yeah, great, man.
Looks a little more like Mom than it does Delilah, but yeah.
I was thinking she's been gone for a year, so she might look a little older.
I'm sure people will see the resemblance.
I mean, I'm just so happy to be home, okay.
And nothing is gonna stop us thi Hey! - Hey! - Hey, hey.
- Slow your roll.
- I'm slow.
Okay, my roll couldn't be slower.
Okay, I'm just saying, every time we charge into a situation, we end up tripping on our own dick, so I'm not gonna trip on anything, all right? - Okay.
- We're getting the band back together.
Hey, man, um, you're kind of plastering over the posters my son put up, so, uh Missing Delilah is your band? Uh, no.
M-My child is Delilah.
She's She's missing.
But you just said you were getting the band back together.
I did.
It's a figure of speech.
Okay, well, where am I supposed to put my band? Again, it's not a band.
It's a My child Delilah, she ran away.
Oh! I thought it was a band.
Yeah, a couple times now.
But no.
Hey.
Found her.
Robin: Nate, let it go.
You're tired.
You just got home.
Hey, you haven't even seen the place yet.
You're gonna love it.
It's small, but you're gonna love it.
Jesus Christ! - Are you deaf? - What?! Between the Putt-Putt and the old folks' home with the unsecured Wi-Fi, this is prime real estate for band peeps.
[Stapler clicking.]
You know what? There was a time in my life when someone like you did something like this, I would probably break all their teeth.
And their nose.
A few ribs.
Geez, no wonder your daughter ran away Hitler.
[Stapler clicking.]
Godwin's law.
Ah, see?! She's heard of us, old man! But, uh, we're actually called Goblin's Slaw.
No, young man, it's Godwin's law.
If a debate goes on long enough, Hitler is eventually brought up.
Can you just break his jaw so we can leave already? No, I'm not gonna do that, okay? You're right, man.
A lot of the reasons why my daughter ran away was my fault.
And I'm trying to make a change.
- You're doing great.
Doing a great job.
- Okay, so I'm asking you, please, just stop doing what you're doing, okay? No can douche.
[Screaming.]
[Laughing.]
Aah! Why would you do that?! - [Siren chirps.]
- He broke my teeth and my jaw.
Get me out of here! Get me out of here! Babe, what do you say when you do the Am I being detained? Yeah.
Hey, am I being detained? Officer: Yes.
Yes, you are.
Oh, shit.
Somewhere behind the mountains There is a place I'm thinkin' [Distorted music plays.]
[Telephones ringing.]
What are you in for? Shitty parents.
Bradshawl: So just to be clear, we're going with 42-year-old man claims 17-year-old boy started it? He did.
He stapled me.
Listen, I get it.
Your daughter's dead.
She's not dead.
She's missing.
For over a year.
Those odds aren't good.
I can't imagine what you're going through.
Let me show you this video we made.
[Squeaking.]
[Clacking.]
I think you're gonna like this.
Missing children are kind of my jam.
[Slow music plays.]
[Lighter clicking.]
I wanted to see the world when I grew up.
I never thought I'd see it while stuck in a cargo container on my way to Thailand, trying not to vomit from the sea of urine and feces.
And I've only been missing for 24 hours, just like all these girls.
[Girls sobbing.]
My God! Why would you make us watch this? To press upon you the fact of how important it is to get your daughter back ASAP.
We already know that.
Well, check this out.
When I was a little girl, I dreamed of being a famous magician.
I'm been missing 48 hours, and the only tricks I can do now are the ones I turn for heroin.
Oh, come on! Oh! That dirty pervert? Our desk sergeant Barry.
He said he wasn't an actor, but that one take.
Tough crowd.
All right, here you go.
[Tape fast-forwards.]
I was supposed to have a playdate today.
I'm pretty good at hide-and-seek.
But if you haven't found me after 72 hours, you'll be seeking me forever.
Jesus Christ, would you turn this off, please?! Funny story the little girl is allergic to corn syrup.
That's what we used to make the blood, that and a little food coloring.
But you know these stage moms.
"Oh, she'll be fine.
It's okay.
" I'm gonna tell you again, our daughter is not dead.
We get videos from her all the time.
Bet they're not as good as my videos.
I She's living here in Syracuse, and we need your help to find her, please.
Well, you are in luck.
Because this video has a "tips and tricks" portion.
[Upbeat music plays, siren wailing.]
Tip one contact local law enforcement.
All:Syracuse P.
D.
! You already did that.
Good for you.
Tip two fliers work.
Blanket your neighborhood, 'cause chances are somebody saw me with her.
Check two for two.
Barry, say hi.
Big fans over here.
Hey, folks, how you doing? Tip three, make sure to always contact family members.
They may be a safe haven for your little runaway.
I'm assuming you did that.
- Of course.
- Yeah.
What? You called your family, right? You're my family.
There's no one else to call.
What about your mom? - Hmm? - Did you call your mom? I searched the globe, okay? Deserts, tundra, jungle.
Don't forget Japan! Hey, don't bring up Japan! Okay, I don't even want to hear the word "Japan.
" So shitty.
Please tell me you called your mom.
Did you call my mom? Why would I call your mom? She's not my mom.
- So you admit you didn't call my mom? - Did you call your mom?! I didn't have to call my mom because she's a horrible person and there's no way Delilah would go there.
[Exhales.]
Yeah, I see her.
Little twat pops in at least once a week.
Uses all my hot water and steals my fiber bars.
- Unbelievable.
- I know.
Who would want to spend even a second here? Seriously, everything that comes out of her mouth is an insult.
[Sighs.]
She must have been so desperate to come here.
It was a phone call, one phone call.
Mistakes were made on both sides.
One side.
[Clocks ticking.]
Nate: Why wouldn't you call me and tell me she was here? Well, I thought about calling you on my birthday and then again on Mother's Day.
And I really wanted to say something that day I had a mass removed from my hip, but it turned out to be malignant, and I thought, "Nah, I don't want to intrude on his busy life.
" So what time does Delilah usually come by? I don't pay attention to clocks.
[Cuckooing.]
Look behind you.
There's like 50 of them.
What are you, a clock Nazi? Don't call me a Stop it, stop.
What What day? What day does she come by? Hump day, 3:00 p.
m.
Like clockwork.
That's That's today.
Great, so 3:00 p.
m.
today.
No, today's Wednesday.
Hump day's Thursday.
No.
No, hump day's Wednesday.
No, Thursday.
When the guys get their dick pills and the gals get their cheap thrills.
It means we get laid.
Hump.
You know, hump means Okay, we get it.
Oh, we get it that is, STDs.
But it's okay.
I can run the clock out on most of 'em.
Even syphilis doesn't have time to get me.
Helen, what's with all these "Delilah's missing" posters? She's not missing.
I'm seeing her tonight.
Wait, you know my daughter? Sure! She plays in a band with my grandson.
I think they may be schtupping.
Please tell me that means more than one thing.
'Course it does.
You got your regular schtupping.
You got your doggie-style schtupping.
You got your shower schtupping.
Speaking of which, Helen, I'm gonna hit the steam room and limber up, so in 20 minutes, you be ready to get some.
- Oh, come on! He just ruined my thing.
- Thank God.
Oh, hey.
- Hey, man.
- Just Just - I'm gonna go find the steam shower.
- Yeah, go go get him.
- Go get him.
I sh - You stay here.
I should I should go with you.
J-Jared, why don't you stay here with Nana, get some quality family time.
Nate's mom: Using me as a punishment? No! I just I thought it would be nice.
- What would be nice? - Just to catch up.
- On what? - All everything.
No, no.
How far along are you in the transition process? I'm a boy.
Bullshit.
[Toilet flushes.]
Nate: Oh, God.
Occupied! What are you doing in here? - Oh, what is that? - What? You ain't never seen a pair of testankles before? What? Testicles that hang to your ankles.
Okay, sorry.
I'm sorry.
Get used to it, 'cause I'm gonna have them, too.
Oh, hey.
Marty, hey.
Can I ask you a quick question? - You mind closing the door? - Absolutely, yes.
You said you were seeing Delilah tonight.
Uh, where? Check the poster over there, you putz.
Now, close the door.
What? Babe, how could you miss this? I really need to slow my roll.
Yeah.
- God.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Let's just go.
Let's go.
- Hold on, hold on.
So, quick question.
Hi.
Um, I haven't seen my daughter in a really long time, and your grandson sounds lovely.
But this whole schtupping thing, that's not true, is it? Well, I'll tell ya, every grandson when he hits puberty loves to sit his tuchus on Zeyde's lap and ask how to properly nosh out a knish.
That's my daughter you're talking about.
- Oh, it is? - Yes.
Well, she should thank me.
I taught him to use the Hebrew alphabet with his tongue.
Now close the goddamn door.
It's getting cold in here.
Oh, you like it hot, do you? Does your daughter like to ride a big schmeckle? Yes.
Close the door.
[Door slams.]
Whoa, be cool! Slow your roll! How's that? Is that hot enough for ya? I'll let you know.
It's not instantaneous, you nudge.
Then you have no idea what it feels like to lose somebody.
I'm 77 years old and Jewish.
What do you think? Oh.
Open it.
- What? Open what? - The door.
You're blocking it with your foot.
No, I'm not.
Then you broke it, you schmendrick.
She closed it.
What does that sign say? How could you not see? - Yep.
- Not see? - I - Not see?! At least turn down the heat.
It's like an oven in here.
- Oh, shoot.
- What the hell?! I-I'm so sor I may have broken this, too.
What did you do to Marty? Okay, be cool.
Mistakes were made on both sides.
No, that's not actually true.
He started it.
- Marty? - Yeah.
I was mildly annoyed because he was letting all the steam out.
Why would you do that? You think that steam grows on trees? Oy vey! I don't think I'm gonna make it this time.
Tell my grandson I love him, and tell him he can stay with the shiksa, but she's just for practice.
What?! Excuse me? For practice? Like some kind of pocket pussy? What? Despite what you're doing, I believe there's good in your heart.
Do not quote Anne Frank to me.
Don't tell a Holocaust survivor what to do.
You're too young to be a Holocaust survivor! You're a Holocaust survivor? - He's lying.
- She's Holocaust-denying me! [Grunting.]
I can't believe this is how I'm going out.
At least if Hitler killed me, I'd have my name on the wall.
You're not gonna die.
I'm getting you Move back, move back.
I'm gonna kick it open.
It's triple-paned tempered glass, you schnook.
You couldn't knock it down with a panzer tank, Rommel.
[Growling.]
This is it? Oy! - Ah.
- Shit.
[Upbeat klezmer music playing.]
I'll get you out of there, man.
Back up! What? Ah! Ah! What are you doing?! What do you want me to do? He's dying! Oh, no! Noah: He's trying to kill Mort! He is the "Desert Fox.
" I'm Schindler in this scenario, okay? Jesus! Nate.
What is this made of?! No! Aah! Marty, I'm coming for ya! [Grunts.]
I got him.
[Grunting.
I got him.
Oh.
You all right? He's okay.
He's breathing.
Nate Parker, friend of the Jews.
You're all right.
Man: It's fun being weird, it's fun being weird It's fun being weird, you should try it sometime - It's fun being weird - Hey, how are you? Nate: Uh, two, please.
You here for the Deaf Jam? - You know it.
- We are.
- That's us, def.
- Really? You don't sound it.
What does a def person sound like? I'm not gonna do the voice 'cause that's racist.
No, listen, trust me, this guy, he just keeps getting def-er with age.
Am I right? [Laughs.]
Keep the change.
I can't believe Def Jam is still a thing.
I know.
I thought it got Me Too'd.
[Loud music playing.]
Holy shit! It's so loud in here! - What?! - I said it's so loud in here! What did you say?! I think we should spread out and go look for her! No, I think we should wait till she goes on, approach her tenderly, and tell her how much we love her! No, I'm gonna go find her! Man: You should try it sometime - It's fun being weird - [Grunts.]
It's fun being weird It's fun being weird, you should try it sometime It's fun being weird Excuse me.
Hey! Hey! Hey! What, are you deaf? I need a drink! [Indistinct singing.]
Oh, my God.
It's you! Dylan from the poster! You're Delilah's boyfriend! We don't like labels, but yes.
What?! Sorry! I can't hear anything in here! - No one can.
- Well, you look like a nice boy! Dress well! Seems like you got your shit together! It's because of the aids.
What?! I'm sorry.
It's so loud! It sounded like you said you have AIDS! I do! I got a case of them in China.
It really changed my life.
Excuse me.
I'm looking for Delilah.
Do you see Delilah? Stop.
Stop.
Stop fighting, children.
Ah.
No.
Don't make me fight back.
I'm like triple your sizes.
Man: It's fun being weird, you should try it sometime It's fun being weird Most people in my community, they're uncomfortable with it.
Most kids here, they're scared of aids.
But it's really exciting to have them.
They can really bring us all together.
I can finally appreciate musicals.
Have you seen "Rent"? No! [Growling in slow motion.]
[Slow motion.]
Yeah! [Normal voice.]
Oh! You got nothing on me! Man: And he accepts me and my deviated septum [Grunts.]
[Growling.]
Yeah! Whoo! That's my new catchphrase, 'cause "Get some" is retired.
Whoo! Did you give my daughter AIDS?! Oh, I've given them to a lot of ladies.
You're a monster! Not my aids! Man: It's fun being weird, you should try it sometime What are those?! Hearing aids, you idiot! You should try it sometime Aah! Everybody watch out! This guy's a total Hitler! - [Feedback.]
- Ah! I'm not Hitler! Stop! Stop it! You're attacking me, and I'm just trying to find my daughter! Who's seen her? I'm looking for Delilah.
Delilah of the Double D's.
Don't act like you can't hear me, you dumb idiots! We're not dumb.
We're deaf.
Huh? Uh - D-E-A-F.
- Yeah.
I was gonna say it's way too white in here to be a Def Jam, but - [Clears throat.]
- They can't hear you.
I know.
I know.
- Just leave, man.
- Yeah, sorry.
Continue.
Have fun.
Third Reich falls for the second time, Hitler.
You know, I think I might be ready to turn over a new leaf with them.
It's been so long.
I'm kind of excited to have them here.
They've never seen my play, like, ever.
Robin: All he had to do was say hearing aids, just once! Nate: Yeah, sorry, everyone.
I'd do this, but I'm cuffed, so Love you all.
Your mom is insane.
Yes, she is.
It's okay.
Who needs them? You got me.
Oh, and remember, today's hump day.
Okay, when I'm ready to do it with more than a snow machine, you'll be the first to know.
Wait, did you just say snow machine? No, your aids must be full of soda.
Bradshawl: I can understand how racial and religious demographic changes scare some people.
I don't agree with it, but I can wrap my brain around it.
But deaf children? I don't see where that even fits on the bigotry scale.
I hate do to this, but I think I'm gonna have to charge you with a hate crime.
[Scoffs.]
More like a Nate crime.
Actually, I was talking to you.
What? No, he's the one who was pushing children.
No, no, the kids said it was the best mosh pit they'd ever been in.
But you, on the other hand, destroyed $25,000 worth of concert aids.
I thought that kid was HIV positive.
That's not an excuse.
- Really? - None.
Well looks like it continues to be your lucky day.
No charges are being filed.
Apparently, you have a guardian angel that's looking out for you, keeping you from tripping over your own dick so to speak.
- Your dick.
- I know whose dick it is.
You got one.
[Knock on door.]
Hi.
Just give me a second, please.
I want you to tell them you're not pressing any charges.
Are you kidding? Your mom destroyed an entire case.
Here, for your aids.
She needs to go to jail.
I swear I'll break your teeth, nose, - and a few of your ribs if you - Okay, relax.
Don't tell me to relax! You know, if you weren't such a lady Hitler, you might actually enjoy the Hebrew alphabe [Grunts.]
No charges! [Grunting.]
[Exhales.]
Hi.
My ex-boyfriend has something to say.