The Exes (2011) s04e02 Episode Script

Haskell, there's something wrong with my phone.
My emails are blurry.
Let me have a look-see.
Ah, I found the problem.
You're old.
You need glasses.
What are you talking about? My eyes are perfect.
They're just tired.
Phil, there's no need to get defensive.
We're all getting older.
Speak for yourself! Shoot, I'm the same guy I was 20 years ago.
Hello.
Check her out.
I haven't seen her here before.
Maybe she's on a field trip, and she stopped in to use the potty.
Someone's overcompensating.
Come on, Phil, don't you think you're a little old for her? Why don't we let her be the judge of that? Okay, but you might want to back off if she yells "stranger danger!" So what do you want for dinner? Surprise me.
Do you hear us, Haskell? It's the same conversation every night.
I feel like I'm losing my mind.
I don't know whether to scream or jump off a bridge.
Surprise me.
Hey, guys, what's going on? I'm feeling unappreciated and ignored.
Add "felt up on the subway," and you got my day.
Can I get a glass of cabernet, please? Uh, I'm gonna need to see some I.
D.
, pumpkin.
I can't believe she is questioning your age! I know, right? You mind if I see that? [Whispers.]
Thank you.
How you doing? I'm Phil.
- Chloe.
- It's a pleasure.
Uh, barkeep? I'd like to order a libation, if I may.
- Libate this.
- Ow.
I'm sorry, I just got off the phone with Tommy.
We agreed to use a mediator for our divorce, and then he went and hired some bozo lawyer! Now I need a bozo! You've got one of the biggest right here! Ow! I just meant that you're a great lawyer.
Holly is the best.
If it weren't for her, I wouldn't be where I am today.
Yeah, let's not pin all that on Holly.
No, I know she's great.
There's just no way I can afford such a pricey lawyer.
The firm has encouraged us to do some pro bono work, you know? Represent the needy, the downtrodden, the really, really sad case Yeah, forget it.
I'm no charity case.
I charge $500 an hour.
Let's go back to the bono thing.
I'd be happy to help you.
Why don't you come by my office first thing in the morning, and we'll get started? Thank you, Holly.
I really appreciate that.
No, don't thank me Feels good to give back to those who have fallen through the cracks of society.
All right, I'm broke.
I get it.
Hey, guys.
I'll check you later.
Turns out Chloe doesn't think I'm too old.
As a matter of fact, she's taking me to some of her favorite hangs.
I didn't know Chuck E.
Cheese stayed open this late.
That's funny.
Anyone else? Don't forget her sippy cup.
Oh ho ho ho ho ho ho! Stuart? Ah.
Oh.
It's too much pressure! [Grunts.]
Something with gymboree! [Upbeat music.]
Ah, look at you, behind a desk, all dressed up and professional.
Eden, you put too much milk in my coffee.
Now I'm bloated.
Yep, I got the world on a string.
Here, I'll walk you in.
Her Majesty likes it that way.
Holly, your 10:00 is here.
Ah! Did you offer our client any coffee or tea? You said the pro bonos just get water.
That'll be all, Eden.
[Clears throat.]
Fancy schmancy office.
Look, you can almost see Staten Island, where my life fell apart.
And that's why those windows don't open.
Your husband's attorney sent over the initial proposal for the distribution of assets.
Okay, so according to this, we split the bank accounts, proceeds from the sale of the house, the car - Whoa.
- Whoa what? He wants the saltwater aquarium? No way.
I'm the one who scraped the algae, changed the gravel, created the whole pirate theme.
That's what you do when you're not having sex.
Nicki, let me give you some advice.
A divorce can become like a battlefield.
My job is to take all the emotions out of it so that you guys can work out a reasonable settlement and both move on.
- Yeah, but still - No buts, okay? It's just about staying calm, rational, not losing it over little things.
I mean, they're just objects Where's my pen? It's my favorite pen.
Eden, did you take my favorite pen again? Damn it! Eden, do you know where the hell my What is that? Junk mail.
You hate junk mail.
I hate it more when you hide things from me.
- Let me see it.
- You don't want to.
- Gimme.
- No.
Don't make me hold you upside down again.
It's from the Central Park Lake House.
"Dear Ms.
Franklin, a little reminder to put in your ear.
In just six months, your wedding day's here.
" [Gasps.]
Oh, my god, I forgot to cancel my wedding.
But you and Brad broke up two years ago.
You would just be getting married now? The lake house was my dream place, so we agreed to wait.
Besides, I needed time to make all the arrangements, and Brad needed time to sleep with every woman in Manhattan.
You okay? Yes, of course.
Why wouldn't I be? Well, it's kind of a reminder that you were supposed to be married in six months, and now you're, you know Not? How little you know me.
Who needs to be married? I have a very full life.
Yes, you do.
It's overflowing.
You've got your career, your friends [Gasps.]
Oh, hey, look! Here's your favorite pen! Thanks.
I'll use it to make a note to remind myself to go down there and pick up my deposit.
It's found money.
It's your lucky day.
Lucky Holly! I envy you! It's gonna be a rough week.
I've been thinking about what you said, and you're right.
If Tommy wants the aquarium, he can have it.
Who needs a leopard shark in a studio apartment? You do.
What? But you said that No buts.
I was remiss before.
I wasn't listening to my client.
Something's gotta make up for all your dashed hopes and dreams.
I mean, you thought you'd still be married by now, and you're not.
Do you know why? Because Tommy's gay? Well, that's the "why," but that doesn't make up for all the pain he's put you through.
Yeah, but you said to keep the emotions out and just to move on with my life.
What life? He's found someone.
Who do you have? I guess no one.
Exactly.
No husband, no prospects.
A frightened woman alone in a cold, uncaring city, wondering if she'll ever meet someone or just die alone.
- I don't wanna die alone.
- You're scared, aren't you? Well, I wasn't until a few minutes ago.
Now I'm terrified! - And who made you that way? - I think you.
- No, Tommy did.
- You're right, Tommy did! So who's gonna pay for it? - He is.
- What are we gonna do? We're gonna squeeze him for every last dime he's got! Or in legal terms, we're gonna gut the son of a bitch! Aah! [Chuckles.]
So what do you think of the hat? I found it in my closet.
It belonged to my late uncle Lou.
He wanted to be buried in it.
But hey, you choose an open casket, you take your chances.
Well, it looks ridiculous.
There is no pleasing you! You said we were in a rut.
I'm trying to shake things up.
Morning, boys! Uh, do you say "good morning" when you haven't slept? - You've been up all night? - That's right.
Chloe and I went club hopping last night.
Check this out Hand stamp, hand stamp, hand stamp.
Well, two can play at that game.
Mole, skin tag, wart.
I told y'all, I'm no different than I was 20 years ago.
As a matter of fact, after work, I'm going directly to Chloe's house for a party.
Ha! What's the theme, the little mermaid? [Laughs.]
Thanks, Holly.
You've opened my eyes.
I mean, I can't believe I was gonna roll over and give him everything.
Oh, we're not gonna give.
We're gonna take.
Take, take, take, take, take, take, take! Eden, could you fax this to opposing counsel, please? Uh, that reminds me.
I want his fax machine too.
- That's my girl.
- [Laughs.]
Hey, I've been watching the way you're handling Nicki's divorce.
Oh, no need to praise me now.
Just save one big one for the end of the day.
Oh, what the heck? Give me a taste.
- I think it stinks.
- Excuse me? You know, Holly, I've always looked up to you.
What choice do you have? But for the first time since I've been here, I'm ashamed to be working for you.
What are you talking about? The lake house? The letter? You're upset about where you are in life, and you're taking it out on Nicki's divorce.
You could not be more wrong.
I am merely representing my client and getting her everything she's entitled to under the law.
All, might I add, pro bono.
Oh, she's getting bono'd, all right.
[Cell phone vibrating.]
It's Phil's.
I'd answer it, but that would be an invasion of Hello? Uh, no, this is his roommate Haskell.
Oh, Chloe! Uh, yeah, Phil must have left his phone.
He's on his way to your party.
Oh, well, isn't that sweet? Is she inviting us? Say yes, say yes, say yes! Uh, no, no, no, we're already in for the night.
No, no.
That's nice.
That's awfully nice.
No, no, no, thank you.
What? Why did you say no? Why can't we go? It's 9:00 on a Wednesday night.
What are we, vampires? - So having fun? - Yeah, it's a great party.
Just over here getting my snack on.
- Mm.
- These chips are amazing.
Oh, I know.
My roommate Brendan's a freegan.
He just picked them out of the dumpster this afternoon.
[Inaudible dialogue.]
- Come on.
I want you to meet him.
- Mmhmm.
Brendan, this is Phil.
- Hey, man.
- [Unenthusiastically.]
Hey.
Brendan's kind of the reason we're having the party.
He just went on unemployment.
Oh, dude, I'm so sorry.
I've been there myself.
Best thing for you to do is just to get back out there and pound the pavement.
Why would I do that? I'm getting a free ride for six months! - Whoo! - Oh, yeah, free ride! [Gasps.]
Oh, look, the pizza's here! Score! [Doorbell rings.]
Somebody's gay dads are here! You hear that? That's because of your hat.
Yeah, I'm sure the cardigan and hostess gift had nothing to do with it.
What are you guys doing here? Uh, you left this home.
Chloe was nice enough to call and invite us.
Oh, well, this doesn't really look like your scene.
Oh, I dressed for a party, and a party I will have.
All right, fine, but look, this is a young, hip crowd, so don't do anything to embarrass me.
Oh, of course not.
Is there dancing? [Knocking on door.]
Take the clubs.
Take the clubs.
Oh, my god, what's going on, Nicki? You are gonna be so proud of me.
I was at my old house, picking up some clothes, and I started thinking about what you said, about how Tommy dashed my hopes and dreams.
Then I just started grabbing his stuff.
No, Nicki, there's a legal process Yeah, look, look, I got his baseball glove, his Xbox, his favorite movie, 300 A bunch of ripped, sweaty spartans.
How did I not know he was gay? Anyway, remember what you said about me dying alone? Not going to happen, because I got Darla and Fancy! - You stole his fish? - Yeah.
I tried for the shark, but it bit through the net.
- Sit down, Nicki.
- Okay, what's the matter? Um, there is a possibility that I may have, however unintentionally and with no malice aforethought, speak English! I screwed up.
I got a letter from the place I was supposed to get married.
And it filled me with all this rage and disappointment, and I took it out on your divorce.
And you couldn't have told me before I fishnapped Darla and Fancy? I'm sorry.
I'm a lousy lawyer.
Look, I promise I'll call his attorney first thing in the morning.
I'll fix all of this.
Ah, look, I suppose you did me a favor.
I didn't realize how angry I was, and it kind of felt good to get it out.
I guess we both need to accept where we are and move on.
Yeah, you're right.
Look at us.
Two women.
Two fish.
Not a man in sight.
How long can fish live in those bags, by the way? Fill the tub.
Fill the tub.
I'm filling it.
I'm filling it.
[Grunting.]
So, uh, doogie.
Who do you have to burp to get the Wi-Fi password? We're getting it free from the coffeehouse downstairs, but it has a time limit.
Not if you bypass the router code.
Awesome.
Sweet lid.
Vintage? Dead uncle.
Mmm, what a delightfully eclectic dish.
Mmm, I'm sensing Mexican mixed with Indian.
And what is that crunch? It's almost like a waffle cone.
You must tell me where you got it.
Uh, I found this great spot down an alley in Chelsea.
You see, you see? That's what I love about this city.
There's a hidden gastronomic gem on every corner.
Mmm, mmm! I can't get enough.
If I'm not careful, I'll make myself sick.
Oh, hey, man.
What's happening? Phil.
James.
What's going on? What's going on is we need to get this party started.
You know what I'm saying? It's time to pump some tunes! - I hear you.
- Yeah.
[Plays mandolin.]
Wow, you're like a medieval Hendrix.
Hey, by any chance did you guys happen to catch the score of the knick game? - No.
- Not really.
I only ask because I represent one of the players on the team.
Okay, you dragged it out of me! I'm a sports agent.
Okay.
Good for you.
Yeah, it is good for me.
So what do you do? What I do is not define myself by what I do.
Okay, well, then, how do you pay for things? What, is money your only benchmark for judging a person's value in society? No, that's the landlord's benchmark.
You think you're better than us because you have a "job"? Uh, "yeah.
" All right, so you're a sports agent? Yep.
Brother, you're just a cog in this corrupt system, pimping for overpaid athletes putting on a show staged by the 1% to divert us from the real problems in this country.
Mmhmm.
Well, brother, this cog pays his taxes, so skinny-jeans over here can have an unemployment party.
You sound like my dad, bro.
Your dad sounds like a really smart man.
Maybe you should listen to him.
Did you just roll your eyes at me? Don't roll your eyes at me.
Hey, man, just dial it down.
Don't tell me to dial it down! I was busting my ass, delivering newspapers when you were just a gleam in your daddy's eye! - Phil.
- What? - What's wrong? - Nothing.
Grandpa boyfriend's having a meltdown.
Well, stop yelling.
You're gonna ruin the party.
What party? There's no dancing.
There's no music.
Hell, you're serving food out of the dumpster! [Gagging.]
You know, I thought you were cool, Phil, but now I think you better leave.
I am cool, and I am leaving.
Stuart, Haskell, let's go.
I had the Sushi.
I had the Sushi! What are you looking at? What is up with your hair? Pick a length and go with it! All right? And, brother? Dump the baby guitar, and bust a beat, all right? And you need to take off that ski cap.
It's 95 degrees outside.
Somebody give bill cosby some pudding.
[Laughs.]
You know what I'm saying? Hello? If you're here for the wedding, it's down the hallway.
Oh, no, no, actually, I booked the lake house for my wedding, but it was called off, so I just came to get my deposit back.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Well, hopefully we'll see you in the near future.
Oh, I don't think marriage is in the cards for me.
Cats, maybe? I'll get your check.
Oh, sorry if I startled you.
I just I didn't want the groom to see me in my dress.
You know, bad luck.
Oh, I'm familiar with that.
Congratulations.
My god, you look beautiful.
Thank you.
Would you mind holding this for a second? Oh, sure.
I can't believe I'm actually getting married.
A year ago, I didn't even have a guy.
Really? Yeah.
I'd almost given up hope.
It's amazing how much your life can change.
I mean, here I am! - Here you are.
- [Gasps.]
Well, the coast is clear.
I'm gonna need those back.
Of course.
I mean now.
I'm getting married! [Anxious panting.]
[Gargling.]
- You're gargling with vodka? - Yeah.
I have to kill the germs.
I ate dumpster fish.
You happy, Stuart? You got out of your rut.
You shook things up.
You ate garbage.
Hey.
Hey, there he is, grandpa boyfriend! Ha! You heard about that, huh? Well, I learned something tonight.
From now on, Phil chase is only dating age-appropriate women until I'm 70, and then I'm going full Hefner.
Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- Hey, I talked to Nicki.
I am proud of you.
That's the Holly I know.
Yeah, I got a little carried away.
A little carried away? Honey, you took a day trip to crazy land.
Okay, but I did go down to the lake house.
Hey, and you've got your deposit back? - No, I kept the date.
- Wait What? Congratulate me, in six months I'm getting married.
- You're getting married? - That's right! - To whom? - The greatest guy in the entire world.
- What is his name? - I don't know.
I haven't met him yet.