The Fast Show s04e02 Episode Script
The Last Fast Show Ever Part 2
1 - (# "The Fast Show" theme) - Is it on yet? - It's just starting.
- (gasps) - Have we got everything? - Beer, crisps, chocolates.
- We forgot the Cheesy Peas.
- (both) Argh! Ta-da! - Great.
- Great.
( All) Oh! (Higson) "The Fast Show" - brought to you by Cheesy Peas.
Does my bum look big in this? Yeah, it does, actually.
What do you think about that old organic farming, then? That's all old bollocks.
What do you think about that old Obsession by Calvin Klein? That's old bollocks.
What do you think about them jeans with that twisty seam in them? They're all old bollocks.
(#jazz jingle) Hello, and welcome to Jazz Club.
Nice.
The world is full of many languages, like French and, uh and English.
But the language of jazz speaks to all.
Biblical! Tonight, we are the general council of the United Nations of Jazz.
In part two, we've got Finnish jazz.
Brrr! Crazy trio, TÃykeät, are our Nordic note-meisters.
And they'll be playing their track, "Van-ho-ya-poika-fizzi-kiti-kai-tao".
Nice.
But first, we're jetting off to Cuba.
Embargo.
It's the sound of Dr Howe, playing a track from their album Retardis.
Preposterous.
Watch out for King Charles VII on tenor sax.
(# Cuban-style jazz) (all) Mambo! (sings in made-up Spanish) (whooshing sound) I thought we got rid of those bloody archers! Can we get them out of the studio? It's a diabolical liberty! This is the third band this week.
They've come all the way from bloody Cuba! I promise, darling, I'll be the best husband you could ever imagine.
I'll love you for the rest of my life.
I'll never look at another woman.
Ha! Awful game there for Sutton, Ron.
We've seen some astronomical transfer fees recently.
It brings terrible pressure to bear on the young players.
A far cry from your day, Ron.
I can imagine the height of your ambition was to appear on a cigarette card.
(both laugh heartily) Who would've thought one day you'd have an internet site, mobile-phone company, travel-advisory centre, and even now, I believe, a Channel 5 chat show? Friday's Night's All Ron.
- Yes, but when I was a younger man - Ron, you were never a younger man.
Hey, now I know you're used to this wrinkled old mug, but in my youth I was a, uh young man.
And before that, I was a small boy, you know? In the park.
Jumpers No doubt before that, Ron, you were a vulnerable, mewling, puking babe-in-arms, sucking greedily at your mother teats.
Hey, hey! I'll not have my mother's teats discussed on this show! - That's fine by me.
- (Ron) No, No.
What I'm saying is, you know, I was young once and I know how hard it is for these boys.
I know what it's like to be led astray with temptations.
With all due respect, I think you played in a more innocent age.
Oh, I've dropped some blotter with Jim Hendrix once.
In the '60s, in my nightclub days, you know? He could play some crazy licks, that cat.
The one thing about Jim a lot of people don't know, is he was a marvellous magician.
He was forever making cigarettes disappear, finding coins behind your ear.
Absolutely mar Or was it the acid? Ron, I don't think that's the sort of message we want to send to young people.
No, no, no.
And I certainly don't endorse the use of drugs in sport.
I mean, I can verify from bitter personal experience that LSD does not enhance your footballing performance one iota.
- It's absolutely hopeless.
- You're too right, Ron.
When people talk about drugs in sport today, they're talking about steroids.
I don't know what the appeal is there.
I took some once for a night out.
Nothing.
Absolutely diddly-squat.
Nae hit at all.
So, Tommy, what do you think of Leicester's chances in the second half? Oh, sorry, I just can't get the image of Ron dropping acid with Hendrix out of my mind.
No, I wouldn't believe it myself if it wasn't for the flashbacks.
I'll be sitting watching a match and suddenly all I can see is colours intertwining and making elaborate patterns against the vivid green of the grass.
Sometimes I wonder if they're trying to tell me something - a message.
Yes, I can see it now.
Yes! Yes, I can! - What is the message? What does it say? - What's the message, Ron? Ka-sproosh-lee! (man) Eras! First, Eras brought you "The Long Big Punch-Up".
Then, we brought you "The Long Big Punch-Up II".
After that, came "The Long Big Punch-Up III - Return of the Punch-up".
Then, there was "The Really Long Big Punch-Up on a Friday".
And now, we bring you "The Long Big Punch-Up V - Gladiator".
Well, we are taxiing onto the runway now.
Sorry about the slight delay, but the airport is rather busy today.
Now, as you can see, he captain has lit the fasten seatbelts sign.
Yes, the emergency exits are situated here - Are you all right there, Doreen? - Oh, uh, yes, Colin.
I'm having a lovely time.
It's just that I thought when you said you were taking me to the Seychelles that you were really gonna take me there in a real aeroplane.
Well, my flight simulator's a lot more fun than a real aeroplane, Doreen.
You fly it yourself.
It's exactly like flying a real jumbo jet.
Absolutely authentic.
Right.
So, how long will it take? It is an 11-hour flight, going this way with a strong tail wind.
- Right.
So how long will it actually take, then? - Well, 11 hours.
11 hours? As I say, it is exactly like a real flight in every detail.
And, as such, when I am the pilot, I shall not be able to do any trademark jokes, I'm afraid.
Although, when I'm the steward, things will be different.
(camp voice) Ooh, would you like to try me nuts? Shut that door or I shall be sucked off.
Out.
I shall be sucked out to 50,000 feet.
50,000 feet, eh, madam? That's a very big centipede.
Oh, you're right, Colin.
This is much more fun than a real aeroplane.
Yes, could you put your seatbelt on, Doreen? I did say.
Sorry, Colin.
Today, I have been mostly holding on for too long.
- Make the most of it, sir.
- Sorry, what? Your high, tight scrotum, sir.
Sorry? You're young, sir.
You probably take it for granted, don't you, your scrotum? You think it'll stay snug and compact - a discreet little friend, tucked behind your phenoblin pin forever.
But take it from me, sir, in 40 years' time it'll be down by your knees, wrinkled like Mother Teresa.
Though I doubt it will have done as much good for mankind, sir.
- Hm, uh, do you sell suits? - We sell little else.
- I need a suit, but I've never bought one.
- Oh! Your first suit, sir.
Oh! It's a right of passage, isn't it, sir? It's the first step towards becoming a man.
Do you hanker after the older woman, sir? - Oh, suit you.
- Suit you, sir.
What they lack in tautness, they make up for with enthusiasm, sir.
Oh, suit you.
And they don't have that off-putting nervous look in their eyes, do they, sir? And you can easily overlook the cellulite, can't you, sir? How old would you go, sir? Hm? Can I give you a tip, young sir? You can tell when they're on the turn by the liver spots on their hands.
- They never lie, sir.
- Could you go for a really old one, sir? - (old voice) The shaking hands might be fun.
- Suit you, sir.
Perhaps you'd draw the line at a dead one, though, sir.
Although, you could try making a live one take a cold bath and then lie very still for you, sir, whilst not breathing.
- Might be a novelty, sir.
- Life's a permanent frustration, isn't it, sir? When you're young, you hanker after an older woman.
When you're old, a younger one.
Could you bear it, sir? Could you deal with that, sir? As an old man, taking a young bride, having to show her your nakedness, your decay.
Oh! The skinny legs, the hairless scalp, the body like a giant soft egg.
- Look, I only want a suit.
- Sir, in our experience (both) Nobody only wants a suit.
Argh! Ugh! Argh! Argh! Urgh! Argh! Hi.
People are often frightened of science.
Well, they're frightened of me and Dave, anyway.
# A moonlight shadow # He passed on worried and warning # Carried away by a moonlight shadow # Lost in a riddle that (farts) Get out and walk! Might I trouble you for a moment of your time? - Well, what's it about? - Do you ever think about the environment? Do you ever worry about the amount of chemicals, pesticides, and human pooh which is poisoning this great nation of ours? Over here, baby.
Now, might I tempt you down the green path with my organic meat and two veg? Well, I get all my organic stuff at Waitrose, thanks.
Could I ask you to pause and reconsider? 'Cause believe you and me, nothing is ever quite the same once you've had a taste of Davy Angel's organic sausage.
I won't keep you too long.
A couple of guys are looking for me over an instant of eco rage.
Some prat come flying past me on the A2 in a Micra and he wasn't using unleaded fuel.
I flagged him down and I smashed him to pieces on the hard shoulder.
Just doing my bit for the environment.
Heeey.
As you can see, I also have access to the freshest venison you've ever experienced, all humanely killed on a local estate by axe.
Dave, how much longer you gonna be? I'm starving.
Can we go to McDonald's.
Keep your noise down, babe.
I'm having a nice chat here.
I don't know why you can't sell proper sausages.
They're meant to be pink, not like these funny-coloured ones with lumps in 'em.
Baby, will you shut your mouth? I'm knocking out a bit of gear! All I'm saying, babe, is that no one likes 'em.
You're no supposed to like 'em, they're organic.
Now get back in the motor and read your Doris Lessing before I go ballistic! - Don't you shout at me.
- Sorry about that, madam.
Might I interest you in another alternative lifestyle Shirley and I have been exploring? Swinging.
- How did I know you were gonna say that? - Let it roll.
Me, the 13th Duke of Wybourne, the agony correspondent at a teen mag? With my reputation? What were they thinking of? I can almost smell their tears.
If you could return to your seat and fasten your seatbelts, please.
We will be experiencing some turbulence.
Um, uh, Colin? You have to press the bell, Doreen.
I did say.
- Ping.
- (camp voice) Can I help you, madam? Yeah, how how long have we been flying now? - Four hours, madam, why? - Um, I need to go to the toilet.
Well, I'm afraid the fasten-seatbelts sign is lit.
It could be dangerous, so I advise you to sit.
No, Colin, I'm desperate.
I really need For goodness sake, Doreen, I am flying you to the Seychelles and all you can do is go on about the bloomin' toilet.
The whole point of the simulator is it is for real.
- Colin! - Sorry, Doreen.
The toilet's through there.
But no smoking.
It has a very sensitive smoke detector.
And don't go joining the mile high club! (laughs) - Chance would be a fine thing.
- Ooh, don't look at me, I'm a poof! Only joking.
I'm not really, Doreen.
(didgeridoo) Hello, and welcome to That's Amazing!, with me, Carl Hooper.
Later on, we're gonna meet a bloke from Queensland who lives in a town with no pub.
It's a horror story! Argh! First up on the show, we're gonna meet a guy with something pretty amazing to show us.
From Hobart, meet Snoop Garner.
Here's looking at you, Snoop.
What have you got? Something amazing, I hope.
Well, I've got my own invention, and it's patented, people, so watch out! - What is it, mate? - Oh, right.
Well, it's a human-hand fan.
By moving my palm or hands very quickly in front of another human's face, I create a cooling air flow that can really take the sting out of those long, hot Hobart summer nights.
- Get off my show! - I've got a really hairy piece of string.
Jesus Christ! That is hairy.
- Eh? Look at the midsection there.
- Fantastic! - How's the little one? - Yeah, he's fine.
He's round my sister's at the moment.
He's fast asleep, thank God.
Bless.
You you a young mother, are you? Eh? Yeah.
That's the hardest job in the world, that is, innit? Eh? Huh? The old mothering game.
Hardest game in the world.
I've done it meself, see? 30 years, man and woman.
Hardest game in the world.
The piles, the cracked nipples, all your clothes streaked with snot and smelling of puke.
Huh? Yeah.
The incontinence, you know? Ooh, the pelvic floor exercises and the weight fluctuations.
"Oh, will I ever get back into my size ten?!" Kids, eh? Life - what's it all about, you know what I mean? I'm getting on now and and I'm none the wiser.
Yeah.
I ain't done a lot of fishing lately, only I've had all me gear nicked from me locker.
I I often think about committing suicide, you know? But the words of Frank keep coming back to me in my hour of need, you know? Frank Sinatra, you know? You know the song? # High hopes # He's got high hopes # High in the sky apple pie hopes # Oops, there goes another rubber tree plant (TV) Suit you, sir.
Hey, get us another tub of Cheesy Peas while you're out there.
- Yeah, and me! - Me, too.
(woman) I'm having a piss! What do you think of that old internet, then? It's old bollocks, innit? What do you think of that old sushi, then? That's all old bollocks.
What do you think of that old Mongolian barbecue? That's all old bollocks.
Aye-aye.
- Hello, chaps.
Is, erm - Mr Mayhew, sir Is, uh, Ted still not up and about, then? No, he's still off sick, Mr Mayhew.
Oh.
Well Well, in the meantime, it's jolly good of you two to help out about the place.
I must confess, I do find looking after the gardens a bit of an uphill struggle.
I always said, Mr Mayhew, you was a bit of an uphill gardener, sir.
Yes.
Yeah, anyway, My Mayhew, sir, we've taken a bit of initiative and planted some seeds here.
- Oh, yes? - You should have a big display of pansies.
Oh, I, uh I love pansies.
They add a much needed dash of colour, I always think.
They certainly make the place look a lot more gay, sir.
Yes.
Yes, they do.
Later on, Mr Mayhew, sir, we're gonna have to go down the river.
You know that queer bit? Where it bends round that old willow? You know that one that's all droopy and limp.
Oh, the old limp willow, yes.
That old willow, sir, it's all rotten.
A lot of fungus growing under there.
Great big mushrooms.
Brown hatters, we calls 'em.
Very evocative, aren't they, those old country names? Yes, sir.
Right now, we've gotta see to the lawns.
Get some pesticide.
- Why's that? - Well, sir, you've got a beetle infestation.
- Beetle infestation? - That's right.
These beetles cut through roots.
- Terrible pests, they are.
- A real nuisance.
Difficult to get rid of.
I see.
What are they called, these beetles? (classical music/applause) (man on radio) Hello, and welcome to "Gardeners' Question Time", which this week comes from the picturesque village of Wilmslow.
An the first question for the panel is from a Mr Ralph Mayhew.
(Ralph) Uh, yes.
Hello.
Ted, the man that I that I would normally ask, my groundsman, he's, uh, he's indisposed at the moment, and I have an infestation of beetles.
I know the common name, but does the team know the correct name for "grass bandits"? Oh, no.
So you see, there'll be a drastic improvement in your mobility once this old hip is replaced.
You really will feel a million times better.
I'm pleased to be able to say we've actually been able to move your operation forward.
So you see, it's not all gloom and doom for older people on the NHS.
Ha! (dramatic music) (Whitehouse) Coming soon to the BBC, John Actor is Inspector Laurence Llewelyn-Monkfish, a tough, uncompromising interior designer, in "Changing Monkfish".
Right, what's going on here? I'm in charge here.
This is a bloody disgrace.
These curtains - Double murder, Inspector.
- Shut it! You, I want fingerprints all over this tabletop in a floral motif.
I'm going for a sort of Arab harem feel.
You, I want your photographs photocopied and spray-mounted on the walls.
I want them finished off with little picture frames made out of driftwood.
This tape motif - I love it.
I want it round the walls and continuing round the doorframes.
This crimson's beautiful.
Splash it all over.
Put your knickers on and make me a cup of tea.
Oh! Ton piney shiny, cheap and cheesy, fabricatos, sminky pinky, Chris Waddle, Futha Mukka! Whoa! # Futha Mukka # Piney shine # Futha Mukka # Piney shine # Easy-peasy piney shine # Futha Mukka piney shine # Ooh # Futha Mukka piney shine # Futha Mukka piney shine # Futha Mukka What do you think of that old yoga? - What, yoghurt? - No, that old yoga.
Both bollocks.
Argh! Argh! Arrrrgh! Arrrrgh! Oh! - Complimentary drink, madam? - Oh! Colin, I was just, um Yes, lovely.
Thank you.
Are you having one? Not when I'm in control of a jumbo jet thousands of feet up over the Indian Ocean, Doreen.
- Don't be ridiculous.
- No.
Right.
Hello there.
It's Tommy Cockles here.
We're now going to see a clip of Arthur's 1954 film, King Arthur of the Jungle, in which Arthur inadvertently becomes king of a lost African tribe, with, in my opinion, not very hilarious consequences.
The film was a huge hit, but it's rarely shown because of it's outdated racial attitudes.
That never really bothered me, I just thought it was rubbish.
I did have a small role in it.
See if you can spot me, heavily disguised as a village elder.
Here, that was a stroke of luck, wasn't it, finding them two parachutes.
Shame we couldn't find a third one for Chester.
Don't worry about him.
He'll have bounced.
I wouldn't be so sure about that, Arthur.
Look.
(dramatic music) Ooh, my giddy aunt! Chester, eaten by fuzzy-wuzzies.
Ooh, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror.
Them poor souls will be on the lavvy for days.
I don't like to mention it, but I do believe we're lost.
Ooh, now, never about that.
Look here, I've got a compass.
That way.
Alumba.
- Ooh! - I believe it's the end of the road.
Hey, don't worry.
I'll bamboozle 'em with some of me boozle bams.
- They're like children, after all.
- Alumba.
- (both) Alumba.
- Alright then, get a load of this.
Look.
Here, have you seen it? Eh? (giggles) - Where's me washboard? - Alumba, alumba.
- (both) Alumba.
- Never fails.
Apart from that one time in Hull.
No, Arthur.
Look.
Ooh-er, it's me! (tribal music) - I don't like it.
We can't trust them.
- Alumba.
Alumba.
Alumba.
Hello there.
- I do believe they've made you their king.
- Oh, yeah? What are the hours? (giggles) Do I get overtime? How queer! - (tribesmen) How queer! - Ooh! I do believe he wants you to marry his daughters.
- Ooh! (laughs) - Argh! Oh, my God, put out the lights.
It's Two-Ton Tina from Timbuktu.
Oh, Arthur.
- Bleurgh! - What's he saying? King Arthur shall reign for seven days and seven nights, with feasting and singing so the whole jungle shall be filled with joy.
Oh, that sounds nice.
What happens after that? Habiblihajibawaha? Bleurgh! After seven days and seven nights, a procession shall leave and wind its way up the sacred mountain with King Arthur at the front walking on flower petals strewn by maidens.
Oh, sounds nice.
What happens after that? - Habiblihajibawaha? - Bleurgh! When the procession reaches the top, King Arthur will be anointed with sweet oils and he shall be flung headlong into the fiery bowels of the volcano where he shall die, screaming in agony.
No, no, no.
Ask him if it's all right if I could abdicate with forth and forthwith.
- Habiblihajibawaha? - Bleurgh-ha.
Bleurgh-ha-ha! Bablareugheh! Hulabilableurgheh! Hablahibableurgheh! Numanaji-reugh! Bleurgh! Bleurgh! Zulimani- wehurgheh! Bleurgh-ooh-ha! Bleurgh-ooh-ha! Yubba-heh! - What's he say? - No.
Where am I?! What year is this?! Who's the president?! Argh! Right.
Hello and welcome to the Rose and Crown pub quiz.
What was the Rose and Crown.
I go to Nan's for two weeks and they ruin the boozer.
Look at it.
Belgian beer, Italian coffee, Kettle chips, wood-roasted tofu.
Why can't they leave people alone? Right.
Now, the rules are the same as every week.
There'll be five categories - history, current affairs, food and drink, cheeses of the Orient, and guns and knives.
Where you going, mate? What are you, a floater? Sit down.
There's no one sitting there.
Right.
No conferring, no shouting out funny answers which aren't funny and aren't really the answers.
- There is a cash prize of £7.
- Wahey! But I haven't got the money on me, so don't get any funny ideas.
I only want honest boozers in this quiz.
No coppers, no dole-office workers, no beardy real-ale drinkers.
No old people, no young people, no poshos.
No people in coats with Japanese girlfriends, who walk in the road during Camden market.
I don't mind standard Japanese.
We had a lovely Japanese couple here.
They would've won, only where they fell down was the last round - boiled sweets.
I don't think you get them there.
Buono estente.
Mantanatos oton Chanel 9, performancea especiale ton opera Ruski - Boris Ton Bastardo.
Sponsare paraton Futha Mucka - piney fresh floora polish.
(floor squeaks) (floor squeaks) (comedy opera singing) (laughs evilly) No vicars or priests, or doctors who play God with simple people's lives.
No poachers, no gamekeepers.
No people who set up internet companies to make bundles of dough, who can't even work a PlayStation.
No, I'm sorry, madam.
This particular promotion isn't aimed at ladies like yourself.
Now move along, please.
Madam, might I take a moment of your most valuable time to discuss this revolutionary new method for eliminating unsightly fatty deposits? - Sorry? - Oh, dear.
How best to put this without causing offence? Cellulite.
- Cellulite? - Yes, good God, cellulite.
An affliction with which my trained eye tells me you are more than familiar.
Yes, I do know what it is, but I'm very fortunate in that I've never suffered from it.
Oh, madam, there's no nice way to say this.
You are fat and so it follows that you must have cellulite.
I can practically see it from here.
Well, I don't consider myself to be fat and I don't have cellulite.
If I did, I wouldn't torture myself with one of those to get rid of it.
Oh, I get it.
You've probably read that book - Fat as a Feminist Issue.
You can read all the fantasy books you like, but take it from me, line up all the placenta-baking, sandal-wearing, bearded lefties in the world and you'll find that not a one of them opts for a porker.
No offence.
No TV chefs, no TV gardeners, no TV DIY men, no TV historians, no TV repair men, no TV character comics who take the piss out of the working class, make untold money, buy a big house in Tuscany and go out there and do sniff on their own.
Right.
Are you all ready? OK.
The first question is current affairs.
Who is rumping Gary's missus? Today, I have been mostly having a coil fitted.
I'm terribly pleased you finally agreed to have dinner with me.
After Gwen died, I didn't really think I'd meet anyone else.
Oh, well, here we are.
Maybe the words of that old song were right.
Maybe love is lovelier second time around.
Ha! Swiss, uh, is it all right if I leave early today? I'd quite like to go fishing.
Of course, Paul.
As you know, I'm a very keen fisherman myself.
I've often thought that going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
First of all, clean and inspect your tackle.
Carefully pull back your rod cover and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use.
Then, extend your rod to its full length and check that there are no kinks or any wear, particularly at the base where the grip is usually applied.
Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.
What type of fish are you after, Paul? Are you going for a bottom feeder or something that'll jump straight at your flies? So, after playing with her, are you gonna practice catch and release or are you gonna keep her in a net? Are you gonna eat her, there and then, or will you hold with her head upstream until she's fully recovered and slip her back in? Whatever you do, Paul, do you really wanna take it home? When you cast into the pool, Paul, make sure you go in nice and deep so that they're instantly hooked.
- And then - Look, Toni, I really better be going.
You know what? I think I might come with you.
No, no.
No.
Fishing is something I like to do on my own.
Very well, Paul.
Very well.
Making love to a beautiful woman is also something you can do by yourself.
Thankfully.
Sweet Jesus.
I was sitting next to Jerry Springer, watching rugby at Twickenham, and he invited me to stay with him on the Riviera.
So, Lloyd Cole and I had a lovely flight down in his private jet to the airport that was nicest Jerry's villa.
Which was Nice.
We've been flying for eight hours now and our cabin crew will shortly be bringing round some (computer beeps) Oh, Colin.
It's all right.
I don't mind.
You can if you want to.
(comedy beep) I'm just off to visit me brother.
He's bought a bungalow by t'sea.
- It's very nice.
- Morning, Alf.
You off to the seaside? Might brighten up later, love.
Knowing my luck, something will go wrong.
Morning, Alf.
All right, Daisy? How, Ron.
You know, I could never move from round here.
I've lived here all me life.
I've known some of them since they were about so high.
- Hiya, Alf.
Fancy a game of footie? - Hey, go on, you rascal.
There's a real sense of community round here.
We look out for one another.
- All right, Alf? Off anywhere nice? - I'm off to t'seaside, Ken.
- Oh, you lucky bugger! - Hey, not so much of the lucky.
Morning, Alfred.
Nice weather for ducks.
Yes.
Have a word with Him up there, see if he can brighten it up for us.
- I'll see what I can do.
- All right.
- See you later, Alf.
- All right, Brian? Oh! Hold up.
I knew something would go wrong.
I've forgotten me wallet.
Mind you, there's plenty of time before t'bus comes.
I'll nip back and get it, eh? When you consider all the things that could've gone wrong, it's nowt to worry about, is it? (accordion music/cheering) Come on, roll up, roll up! Hit the old bugger in the eye with a shit pie! 20 pence.
- Wahey! - (pee splashes) (man) "Bum face!" You're right there, son! He is a miserable bum-faced individual.
(silence) Oh, bugger! Argh! (sobs) (Higson) "The Fast Show" - brought to you by Cheesy Peas.
Find out more about Cheesy Peas at the Cheesy Peas website.
: xxx.
bigknockershardcorecheesypeas.
com.
- (gasps) - Have we got everything? - Beer, crisps, chocolates.
- We forgot the Cheesy Peas.
- (both) Argh! Ta-da! - Great.
- Great.
( All) Oh! (Higson) "The Fast Show" - brought to you by Cheesy Peas.
Does my bum look big in this? Yeah, it does, actually.
What do you think about that old organic farming, then? That's all old bollocks.
What do you think about that old Obsession by Calvin Klein? That's old bollocks.
What do you think about them jeans with that twisty seam in them? They're all old bollocks.
(#jazz jingle) Hello, and welcome to Jazz Club.
Nice.
The world is full of many languages, like French and, uh and English.
But the language of jazz speaks to all.
Biblical! Tonight, we are the general council of the United Nations of Jazz.
In part two, we've got Finnish jazz.
Brrr! Crazy trio, TÃykeät, are our Nordic note-meisters.
And they'll be playing their track, "Van-ho-ya-poika-fizzi-kiti-kai-tao".
Nice.
But first, we're jetting off to Cuba.
Embargo.
It's the sound of Dr Howe, playing a track from their album Retardis.
Preposterous.
Watch out for King Charles VII on tenor sax.
(# Cuban-style jazz) (all) Mambo! (sings in made-up Spanish) (whooshing sound) I thought we got rid of those bloody archers! Can we get them out of the studio? It's a diabolical liberty! This is the third band this week.
They've come all the way from bloody Cuba! I promise, darling, I'll be the best husband you could ever imagine.
I'll love you for the rest of my life.
I'll never look at another woman.
Ha! Awful game there for Sutton, Ron.
We've seen some astronomical transfer fees recently.
It brings terrible pressure to bear on the young players.
A far cry from your day, Ron.
I can imagine the height of your ambition was to appear on a cigarette card.
(both laugh heartily) Who would've thought one day you'd have an internet site, mobile-phone company, travel-advisory centre, and even now, I believe, a Channel 5 chat show? Friday's Night's All Ron.
- Yes, but when I was a younger man - Ron, you were never a younger man.
Hey, now I know you're used to this wrinkled old mug, but in my youth I was a, uh young man.
And before that, I was a small boy, you know? In the park.
Jumpers No doubt before that, Ron, you were a vulnerable, mewling, puking babe-in-arms, sucking greedily at your mother teats.
Hey, hey! I'll not have my mother's teats discussed on this show! - That's fine by me.
- (Ron) No, No.
What I'm saying is, you know, I was young once and I know how hard it is for these boys.
I know what it's like to be led astray with temptations.
With all due respect, I think you played in a more innocent age.
Oh, I've dropped some blotter with Jim Hendrix once.
In the '60s, in my nightclub days, you know? He could play some crazy licks, that cat.
The one thing about Jim a lot of people don't know, is he was a marvellous magician.
He was forever making cigarettes disappear, finding coins behind your ear.
Absolutely mar Or was it the acid? Ron, I don't think that's the sort of message we want to send to young people.
No, no, no.
And I certainly don't endorse the use of drugs in sport.
I mean, I can verify from bitter personal experience that LSD does not enhance your footballing performance one iota.
- It's absolutely hopeless.
- You're too right, Ron.
When people talk about drugs in sport today, they're talking about steroids.
I don't know what the appeal is there.
I took some once for a night out.
Nothing.
Absolutely diddly-squat.
Nae hit at all.
So, Tommy, what do you think of Leicester's chances in the second half? Oh, sorry, I just can't get the image of Ron dropping acid with Hendrix out of my mind.
No, I wouldn't believe it myself if it wasn't for the flashbacks.
I'll be sitting watching a match and suddenly all I can see is colours intertwining and making elaborate patterns against the vivid green of the grass.
Sometimes I wonder if they're trying to tell me something - a message.
Yes, I can see it now.
Yes! Yes, I can! - What is the message? What does it say? - What's the message, Ron? Ka-sproosh-lee! (man) Eras! First, Eras brought you "The Long Big Punch-Up".
Then, we brought you "The Long Big Punch-Up II".
After that, came "The Long Big Punch-Up III - Return of the Punch-up".
Then, there was "The Really Long Big Punch-Up on a Friday".
And now, we bring you "The Long Big Punch-Up V - Gladiator".
Well, we are taxiing onto the runway now.
Sorry about the slight delay, but the airport is rather busy today.
Now, as you can see, he captain has lit the fasten seatbelts sign.
Yes, the emergency exits are situated here - Are you all right there, Doreen? - Oh, uh, yes, Colin.
I'm having a lovely time.
It's just that I thought when you said you were taking me to the Seychelles that you were really gonna take me there in a real aeroplane.
Well, my flight simulator's a lot more fun than a real aeroplane, Doreen.
You fly it yourself.
It's exactly like flying a real jumbo jet.
Absolutely authentic.
Right.
So, how long will it take? It is an 11-hour flight, going this way with a strong tail wind.
- Right.
So how long will it actually take, then? - Well, 11 hours.
11 hours? As I say, it is exactly like a real flight in every detail.
And, as such, when I am the pilot, I shall not be able to do any trademark jokes, I'm afraid.
Although, when I'm the steward, things will be different.
(camp voice) Ooh, would you like to try me nuts? Shut that door or I shall be sucked off.
Out.
I shall be sucked out to 50,000 feet.
50,000 feet, eh, madam? That's a very big centipede.
Oh, you're right, Colin.
This is much more fun than a real aeroplane.
Yes, could you put your seatbelt on, Doreen? I did say.
Sorry, Colin.
Today, I have been mostly holding on for too long.
- Make the most of it, sir.
- Sorry, what? Your high, tight scrotum, sir.
Sorry? You're young, sir.
You probably take it for granted, don't you, your scrotum? You think it'll stay snug and compact - a discreet little friend, tucked behind your phenoblin pin forever.
But take it from me, sir, in 40 years' time it'll be down by your knees, wrinkled like Mother Teresa.
Though I doubt it will have done as much good for mankind, sir.
- Hm, uh, do you sell suits? - We sell little else.
- I need a suit, but I've never bought one.
- Oh! Your first suit, sir.
Oh! It's a right of passage, isn't it, sir? It's the first step towards becoming a man.
Do you hanker after the older woman, sir? - Oh, suit you.
- Suit you, sir.
What they lack in tautness, they make up for with enthusiasm, sir.
Oh, suit you.
And they don't have that off-putting nervous look in their eyes, do they, sir? And you can easily overlook the cellulite, can't you, sir? How old would you go, sir? Hm? Can I give you a tip, young sir? You can tell when they're on the turn by the liver spots on their hands.
- They never lie, sir.
- Could you go for a really old one, sir? - (old voice) The shaking hands might be fun.
- Suit you, sir.
Perhaps you'd draw the line at a dead one, though, sir.
Although, you could try making a live one take a cold bath and then lie very still for you, sir, whilst not breathing.
- Might be a novelty, sir.
- Life's a permanent frustration, isn't it, sir? When you're young, you hanker after an older woman.
When you're old, a younger one.
Could you bear it, sir? Could you deal with that, sir? As an old man, taking a young bride, having to show her your nakedness, your decay.
Oh! The skinny legs, the hairless scalp, the body like a giant soft egg.
- Look, I only want a suit.
- Sir, in our experience (both) Nobody only wants a suit.
Argh! Ugh! Argh! Argh! Urgh! Argh! Hi.
People are often frightened of science.
Well, they're frightened of me and Dave, anyway.
# A moonlight shadow # He passed on worried and warning # Carried away by a moonlight shadow # Lost in a riddle that (farts) Get out and walk! Might I trouble you for a moment of your time? - Well, what's it about? - Do you ever think about the environment? Do you ever worry about the amount of chemicals, pesticides, and human pooh which is poisoning this great nation of ours? Over here, baby.
Now, might I tempt you down the green path with my organic meat and two veg? Well, I get all my organic stuff at Waitrose, thanks.
Could I ask you to pause and reconsider? 'Cause believe you and me, nothing is ever quite the same once you've had a taste of Davy Angel's organic sausage.
I won't keep you too long.
A couple of guys are looking for me over an instant of eco rage.
Some prat come flying past me on the A2 in a Micra and he wasn't using unleaded fuel.
I flagged him down and I smashed him to pieces on the hard shoulder.
Just doing my bit for the environment.
Heeey.
As you can see, I also have access to the freshest venison you've ever experienced, all humanely killed on a local estate by axe.
Dave, how much longer you gonna be? I'm starving.
Can we go to McDonald's.
Keep your noise down, babe.
I'm having a nice chat here.
I don't know why you can't sell proper sausages.
They're meant to be pink, not like these funny-coloured ones with lumps in 'em.
Baby, will you shut your mouth? I'm knocking out a bit of gear! All I'm saying, babe, is that no one likes 'em.
You're no supposed to like 'em, they're organic.
Now get back in the motor and read your Doris Lessing before I go ballistic! - Don't you shout at me.
- Sorry about that, madam.
Might I interest you in another alternative lifestyle Shirley and I have been exploring? Swinging.
- How did I know you were gonna say that? - Let it roll.
Me, the 13th Duke of Wybourne, the agony correspondent at a teen mag? With my reputation? What were they thinking of? I can almost smell their tears.
If you could return to your seat and fasten your seatbelts, please.
We will be experiencing some turbulence.
Um, uh, Colin? You have to press the bell, Doreen.
I did say.
- Ping.
- (camp voice) Can I help you, madam? Yeah, how how long have we been flying now? - Four hours, madam, why? - Um, I need to go to the toilet.
Well, I'm afraid the fasten-seatbelts sign is lit.
It could be dangerous, so I advise you to sit.
No, Colin, I'm desperate.
I really need For goodness sake, Doreen, I am flying you to the Seychelles and all you can do is go on about the bloomin' toilet.
The whole point of the simulator is it is for real.
- Colin! - Sorry, Doreen.
The toilet's through there.
But no smoking.
It has a very sensitive smoke detector.
And don't go joining the mile high club! (laughs) - Chance would be a fine thing.
- Ooh, don't look at me, I'm a poof! Only joking.
I'm not really, Doreen.
(didgeridoo) Hello, and welcome to That's Amazing!, with me, Carl Hooper.
Later on, we're gonna meet a bloke from Queensland who lives in a town with no pub.
It's a horror story! Argh! First up on the show, we're gonna meet a guy with something pretty amazing to show us.
From Hobart, meet Snoop Garner.
Here's looking at you, Snoop.
What have you got? Something amazing, I hope.
Well, I've got my own invention, and it's patented, people, so watch out! - What is it, mate? - Oh, right.
Well, it's a human-hand fan.
By moving my palm or hands very quickly in front of another human's face, I create a cooling air flow that can really take the sting out of those long, hot Hobart summer nights.
- Get off my show! - I've got a really hairy piece of string.
Jesus Christ! That is hairy.
- Eh? Look at the midsection there.
- Fantastic! - How's the little one? - Yeah, he's fine.
He's round my sister's at the moment.
He's fast asleep, thank God.
Bless.
You you a young mother, are you? Eh? Yeah.
That's the hardest job in the world, that is, innit? Eh? Huh? The old mothering game.
Hardest game in the world.
I've done it meself, see? 30 years, man and woman.
Hardest game in the world.
The piles, the cracked nipples, all your clothes streaked with snot and smelling of puke.
Huh? Yeah.
The incontinence, you know? Ooh, the pelvic floor exercises and the weight fluctuations.
"Oh, will I ever get back into my size ten?!" Kids, eh? Life - what's it all about, you know what I mean? I'm getting on now and and I'm none the wiser.
Yeah.
I ain't done a lot of fishing lately, only I've had all me gear nicked from me locker.
I I often think about committing suicide, you know? But the words of Frank keep coming back to me in my hour of need, you know? Frank Sinatra, you know? You know the song? # High hopes # He's got high hopes # High in the sky apple pie hopes # Oops, there goes another rubber tree plant (TV) Suit you, sir.
Hey, get us another tub of Cheesy Peas while you're out there.
- Yeah, and me! - Me, too.
(woman) I'm having a piss! What do you think of that old internet, then? It's old bollocks, innit? What do you think of that old sushi, then? That's all old bollocks.
What do you think of that old Mongolian barbecue? That's all old bollocks.
Aye-aye.
- Hello, chaps.
Is, erm - Mr Mayhew, sir Is, uh, Ted still not up and about, then? No, he's still off sick, Mr Mayhew.
Oh.
Well Well, in the meantime, it's jolly good of you two to help out about the place.
I must confess, I do find looking after the gardens a bit of an uphill struggle.
I always said, Mr Mayhew, you was a bit of an uphill gardener, sir.
Yes.
Yeah, anyway, My Mayhew, sir, we've taken a bit of initiative and planted some seeds here.
- Oh, yes? - You should have a big display of pansies.
Oh, I, uh I love pansies.
They add a much needed dash of colour, I always think.
They certainly make the place look a lot more gay, sir.
Yes.
Yes, they do.
Later on, Mr Mayhew, sir, we're gonna have to go down the river.
You know that queer bit? Where it bends round that old willow? You know that one that's all droopy and limp.
Oh, the old limp willow, yes.
That old willow, sir, it's all rotten.
A lot of fungus growing under there.
Great big mushrooms.
Brown hatters, we calls 'em.
Very evocative, aren't they, those old country names? Yes, sir.
Right now, we've gotta see to the lawns.
Get some pesticide.
- Why's that? - Well, sir, you've got a beetle infestation.
- Beetle infestation? - That's right.
These beetles cut through roots.
- Terrible pests, they are.
- A real nuisance.
Difficult to get rid of.
I see.
What are they called, these beetles? (classical music/applause) (man on radio) Hello, and welcome to "Gardeners' Question Time", which this week comes from the picturesque village of Wilmslow.
An the first question for the panel is from a Mr Ralph Mayhew.
(Ralph) Uh, yes.
Hello.
Ted, the man that I that I would normally ask, my groundsman, he's, uh, he's indisposed at the moment, and I have an infestation of beetles.
I know the common name, but does the team know the correct name for "grass bandits"? Oh, no.
So you see, there'll be a drastic improvement in your mobility once this old hip is replaced.
You really will feel a million times better.
I'm pleased to be able to say we've actually been able to move your operation forward.
So you see, it's not all gloom and doom for older people on the NHS.
Ha! (dramatic music) (Whitehouse) Coming soon to the BBC, John Actor is Inspector Laurence Llewelyn-Monkfish, a tough, uncompromising interior designer, in "Changing Monkfish".
Right, what's going on here? I'm in charge here.
This is a bloody disgrace.
These curtains - Double murder, Inspector.
- Shut it! You, I want fingerprints all over this tabletop in a floral motif.
I'm going for a sort of Arab harem feel.
You, I want your photographs photocopied and spray-mounted on the walls.
I want them finished off with little picture frames made out of driftwood.
This tape motif - I love it.
I want it round the walls and continuing round the doorframes.
This crimson's beautiful.
Splash it all over.
Put your knickers on and make me a cup of tea.
Oh! Ton piney shiny, cheap and cheesy, fabricatos, sminky pinky, Chris Waddle, Futha Mukka! Whoa! # Futha Mukka # Piney shine # Futha Mukka # Piney shine # Easy-peasy piney shine # Futha Mukka piney shine # Ooh # Futha Mukka piney shine # Futha Mukka piney shine # Futha Mukka What do you think of that old yoga? - What, yoghurt? - No, that old yoga.
Both bollocks.
Argh! Argh! Arrrrgh! Arrrrgh! Oh! - Complimentary drink, madam? - Oh! Colin, I was just, um Yes, lovely.
Thank you.
Are you having one? Not when I'm in control of a jumbo jet thousands of feet up over the Indian Ocean, Doreen.
- Don't be ridiculous.
- No.
Right.
Hello there.
It's Tommy Cockles here.
We're now going to see a clip of Arthur's 1954 film, King Arthur of the Jungle, in which Arthur inadvertently becomes king of a lost African tribe, with, in my opinion, not very hilarious consequences.
The film was a huge hit, but it's rarely shown because of it's outdated racial attitudes.
That never really bothered me, I just thought it was rubbish.
I did have a small role in it.
See if you can spot me, heavily disguised as a village elder.
Here, that was a stroke of luck, wasn't it, finding them two parachutes.
Shame we couldn't find a third one for Chester.
Don't worry about him.
He'll have bounced.
I wouldn't be so sure about that, Arthur.
Look.
(dramatic music) Ooh, my giddy aunt! Chester, eaten by fuzzy-wuzzies.
Ooh, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror.
Them poor souls will be on the lavvy for days.
I don't like to mention it, but I do believe we're lost.
Ooh, now, never about that.
Look here, I've got a compass.
That way.
Alumba.
- Ooh! - I believe it's the end of the road.
Hey, don't worry.
I'll bamboozle 'em with some of me boozle bams.
- They're like children, after all.
- Alumba.
- (both) Alumba.
- Alright then, get a load of this.
Look.
Here, have you seen it? Eh? (giggles) - Where's me washboard? - Alumba, alumba.
- (both) Alumba.
- Never fails.
Apart from that one time in Hull.
No, Arthur.
Look.
Ooh-er, it's me! (tribal music) - I don't like it.
We can't trust them.
- Alumba.
Alumba.
Alumba.
Hello there.
- I do believe they've made you their king.
- Oh, yeah? What are the hours? (giggles) Do I get overtime? How queer! - (tribesmen) How queer! - Ooh! I do believe he wants you to marry his daughters.
- Ooh! (laughs) - Argh! Oh, my God, put out the lights.
It's Two-Ton Tina from Timbuktu.
Oh, Arthur.
- Bleurgh! - What's he saying? King Arthur shall reign for seven days and seven nights, with feasting and singing so the whole jungle shall be filled with joy.
Oh, that sounds nice.
What happens after that? Habiblihajibawaha? Bleurgh! After seven days and seven nights, a procession shall leave and wind its way up the sacred mountain with King Arthur at the front walking on flower petals strewn by maidens.
Oh, sounds nice.
What happens after that? - Habiblihajibawaha? - Bleurgh! When the procession reaches the top, King Arthur will be anointed with sweet oils and he shall be flung headlong into the fiery bowels of the volcano where he shall die, screaming in agony.
No, no, no.
Ask him if it's all right if I could abdicate with forth and forthwith.
- Habiblihajibawaha? - Bleurgh-ha.
Bleurgh-ha-ha! Bablareugheh! Hulabilableurgheh! Hablahibableurgheh! Numanaji-reugh! Bleurgh! Bleurgh! Zulimani- wehurgheh! Bleurgh-ooh-ha! Bleurgh-ooh-ha! Yubba-heh! - What's he say? - No.
Where am I?! What year is this?! Who's the president?! Argh! Right.
Hello and welcome to the Rose and Crown pub quiz.
What was the Rose and Crown.
I go to Nan's for two weeks and they ruin the boozer.
Look at it.
Belgian beer, Italian coffee, Kettle chips, wood-roasted tofu.
Why can't they leave people alone? Right.
Now, the rules are the same as every week.
There'll be five categories - history, current affairs, food and drink, cheeses of the Orient, and guns and knives.
Where you going, mate? What are you, a floater? Sit down.
There's no one sitting there.
Right.
No conferring, no shouting out funny answers which aren't funny and aren't really the answers.
- There is a cash prize of £7.
- Wahey! But I haven't got the money on me, so don't get any funny ideas.
I only want honest boozers in this quiz.
No coppers, no dole-office workers, no beardy real-ale drinkers.
No old people, no young people, no poshos.
No people in coats with Japanese girlfriends, who walk in the road during Camden market.
I don't mind standard Japanese.
We had a lovely Japanese couple here.
They would've won, only where they fell down was the last round - boiled sweets.
I don't think you get them there.
Buono estente.
Mantanatos oton Chanel 9, performancea especiale ton opera Ruski - Boris Ton Bastardo.
Sponsare paraton Futha Mucka - piney fresh floora polish.
(floor squeaks) (floor squeaks) (comedy opera singing) (laughs evilly) No vicars or priests, or doctors who play God with simple people's lives.
No poachers, no gamekeepers.
No people who set up internet companies to make bundles of dough, who can't even work a PlayStation.
No, I'm sorry, madam.
This particular promotion isn't aimed at ladies like yourself.
Now move along, please.
Madam, might I take a moment of your most valuable time to discuss this revolutionary new method for eliminating unsightly fatty deposits? - Sorry? - Oh, dear.
How best to put this without causing offence? Cellulite.
- Cellulite? - Yes, good God, cellulite.
An affliction with which my trained eye tells me you are more than familiar.
Yes, I do know what it is, but I'm very fortunate in that I've never suffered from it.
Oh, madam, there's no nice way to say this.
You are fat and so it follows that you must have cellulite.
I can practically see it from here.
Well, I don't consider myself to be fat and I don't have cellulite.
If I did, I wouldn't torture myself with one of those to get rid of it.
Oh, I get it.
You've probably read that book - Fat as a Feminist Issue.
You can read all the fantasy books you like, but take it from me, line up all the placenta-baking, sandal-wearing, bearded lefties in the world and you'll find that not a one of them opts for a porker.
No offence.
No TV chefs, no TV gardeners, no TV DIY men, no TV historians, no TV repair men, no TV character comics who take the piss out of the working class, make untold money, buy a big house in Tuscany and go out there and do sniff on their own.
Right.
Are you all ready? OK.
The first question is current affairs.
Who is rumping Gary's missus? Today, I have been mostly having a coil fitted.
I'm terribly pleased you finally agreed to have dinner with me.
After Gwen died, I didn't really think I'd meet anyone else.
Oh, well, here we are.
Maybe the words of that old song were right.
Maybe love is lovelier second time around.
Ha! Swiss, uh, is it all right if I leave early today? I'd quite like to go fishing.
Of course, Paul.
As you know, I'm a very keen fisherman myself.
I've often thought that going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
First of all, clean and inspect your tackle.
Carefully pull back your rod cover and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use.
Then, extend your rod to its full length and check that there are no kinks or any wear, particularly at the base where the grip is usually applied.
Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.
What type of fish are you after, Paul? Are you going for a bottom feeder or something that'll jump straight at your flies? So, after playing with her, are you gonna practice catch and release or are you gonna keep her in a net? Are you gonna eat her, there and then, or will you hold with her head upstream until she's fully recovered and slip her back in? Whatever you do, Paul, do you really wanna take it home? When you cast into the pool, Paul, make sure you go in nice and deep so that they're instantly hooked.
- And then - Look, Toni, I really better be going.
You know what? I think I might come with you.
No, no.
No.
Fishing is something I like to do on my own.
Very well, Paul.
Very well.
Making love to a beautiful woman is also something you can do by yourself.
Thankfully.
Sweet Jesus.
I was sitting next to Jerry Springer, watching rugby at Twickenham, and he invited me to stay with him on the Riviera.
So, Lloyd Cole and I had a lovely flight down in his private jet to the airport that was nicest Jerry's villa.
Which was Nice.
We've been flying for eight hours now and our cabin crew will shortly be bringing round some (computer beeps) Oh, Colin.
It's all right.
I don't mind.
You can if you want to.
(comedy beep) I'm just off to visit me brother.
He's bought a bungalow by t'sea.
- It's very nice.
- Morning, Alf.
You off to the seaside? Might brighten up later, love.
Knowing my luck, something will go wrong.
Morning, Alf.
All right, Daisy? How, Ron.
You know, I could never move from round here.
I've lived here all me life.
I've known some of them since they were about so high.
- Hiya, Alf.
Fancy a game of footie? - Hey, go on, you rascal.
There's a real sense of community round here.
We look out for one another.
- All right, Alf? Off anywhere nice? - I'm off to t'seaside, Ken.
- Oh, you lucky bugger! - Hey, not so much of the lucky.
Morning, Alfred.
Nice weather for ducks.
Yes.
Have a word with Him up there, see if he can brighten it up for us.
- I'll see what I can do.
- All right.
- See you later, Alf.
- All right, Brian? Oh! Hold up.
I knew something would go wrong.
I've forgotten me wallet.
Mind you, there's plenty of time before t'bus comes.
I'll nip back and get it, eh? When you consider all the things that could've gone wrong, it's nowt to worry about, is it? (accordion music/cheering) Come on, roll up, roll up! Hit the old bugger in the eye with a shit pie! 20 pence.
- Wahey! - (pee splashes) (man) "Bum face!" You're right there, son! He is a miserable bum-faced individual.
(silence) Oh, bugger! Argh! (sobs) (Higson) "The Fast Show" - brought to you by Cheesy Peas.
Find out more about Cheesy Peas at the Cheesy Peas website.
: xxx.
bigknockershardcorecheesypeas.
com.