The Good Place (2016) s04e02 Episode Script
A Girl from Arizona Part 2
1 - - Linda.
You can have literally anything you could possibly - What the - You sent a demon in disguise as one of the subjects? This outrageous act must be punished.
Chidi will be the fourth subject in this experiment.
I still don't get why the Bad Place would try something so obvious.
They're desperate.
They know they're gonna lose.
Plus, we can get rid of the Linda picture and put a Chidi picture on the other side since we know a ton about him.
This is all good news, right, Team Leader? Yeah, it's super cool that I'm actively surveilling and manipulating an ex-boyfriend.
I mean, more so than I usually did.
Okay, let's focus on Brent.
Born on third base, thinks he invented the game of baseball.
Guys like this believe that the world revolves around them because it kind of does.
If we could get him to listen to anyone else, he'd hear how much better they are than he was, which might make him realize that he doesn't belong here.
And also, bonus maybe he cries like a stupid little baby.
- - Anyway, long story short, that's why there are still ducks.
- I saved all the ducks.
- Aw! Incredible.
Wow.
Thank you, Wanda.
What a life.
Now we turn to our next guest, Chidi Anagonye.
Now Chidi, you led an impressive life as an academic.
Well, not "save an entire species" impressive, but, yes, I was a professor of ethical and moral philosophy.
I'm sorry literally every duck? - You saved every duck? - In essence, yes.
And I didn't mention this before.
I really don't like to brag but also horses.
- Oh! - What? Man I mean, compared to you, I feel a little inadequate.
Hey, Mikey, can I ask you something? I feel bad for making Janet's life more chaotic and unpredictable, so here's my idea to make it up to her.
Me and 100 Janet Babies do a giant flash mob just total unpredictable chaos all around her.
Great idea, right? Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason.
- Mm-hmm.
- Sorry, I put a little cheat code in the Neighborhood where if I say your name five times my headache goes away.
Do you know why I forced you to act like a monk in the original Neighborhood? Does it have to do with the TV show "Monk"? No.
It's because you have no control over your own impulses.
You think every problem can be solved with a Molotov cocktail or slashing somebody's tires or plunging Derek.
So being a monk was torture for you.
The only way for you to repair your relationship with Janet is to give her some space.
Show her that you can control your impulses.
So you're saying wanting to do something isn't a good reason to immediately do it? Yeah.
Man, I wish someone had taught me this on Earth.
People tried, mostly judges.
Hey, show time.
And now, Brent Norwalk, why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself? Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Sure.
I'm pretty interesting.
I grew up in Chicago.
A suburb, obviously.
I went to Princeton University.
No handouts, by the way.
I earned my spot there just like my father and his father before him.
I then inherited the family business, and in just 18 years, I grew Norwalk Materials from a $90 million company to a $94 million company.
One second.
Hey, Janet.
- Hi, there.
- Perrier.
Why don't you tell us about a time when things didn't come so easy to you.
Look, I've had my share of disappointments.
I smartly bought Netflix stock at $38 a share, but I couldn't cash it in before I died, so all that money's going to my dumb kid.
But you have to press on, right? In the words of Martin Luther King, Jr.
, who I personally believe was a great man, he said that when life knocks you on your butt, you jump back up and start throwing haymakers.
I'm not sure he said that.
No, no, he did.
You're wrong.
For me, Eleanor, it's all about taking personal responsibility.
I don't know if people do that.
And if you ask me, that's what's wrong with this country.
What country? This was fun, Eleanor, but I have a tee time.
Daddy no golfy, daddy get cranky.
So, Chad, duck lady, nice to meet you.
Thank you.
Thank you all very much.
You were great.
A car? - He got a car? - Okay, well, back to the drawing board.
If we want him to understand he doesn't belong here, we don't need a drawing board.
We need to bust him open like a piñata.
We tried that in the Bad Place.
The goo that comes out doesn't taste as good as candy.
No, dude, metaphorically.
Ahh.
Although, there is another Bad Place strategy that might work very well here.
I don't know if that's the right move.
It's our only move.
And we're doing it.
Tomorrow.
What the Hey, Janet? Janet! Is that Perrier? - Michael, Eleanor.
- Brent, I'm so sorry.
We don't know why all of this is happening.
Well, I do.
This chaos is clearly all about me.
This is the universe telling me that I don't belong here.
Brent, what do you mean? I don't belong in the Good Place.
I mean, obviously there's a place better than this.
I belong there.
In the best place.
Walk me through this, Brent.
I'm not sure we follow.
Well, I've been feeling this way for a while now.
I mean, this can't be all the Afterlife has to offer.
Not to the cream of the crop.
I mean, if this is heaven, then where are my guys? Where's Scotty and Schultzy and Porcupine? Where's White Guillermo? And where is Mexican William? And what about Squirtman? Well, he makes a good point.
You know, what about Squirtman? Also, frankly, my assistant Janet is a little uptight.
I mean, she hasn't worn any of my gifts.
Have you been asking Janet to make herself clothes that you give back to her? Yeah, you're doing the math right there, bud.
Look, this chaos, which is clearly all about me, is a sign.
If this is the Good Place, I belong in the best place.
So figure it out.
Get back to me, okay? I'm gonna go punch a wall with my head.
I'll meet up with you later.
Michael, I'm afraid we need to talk about Eleanor.
I know what you're gonna say.
She's just been really busy.
I'm sure she'll get around to showering at some point.
No, it's not that, although, it's not not that.
It's possible we need a new Team Leader.
Oh, really? We just can't help but question her decision-making.
She balked at bringing Chidi and Simone together.
She ignored my concerns about Linda.
Her plans for Brent backfired.
We've made precious little progress.
Perhaps leadership isn't her forte.
Yeah, I mean, Eleanor is dope, but she keeps screwing everything up.
That's my thing, and you wouldn't put me in charge.
Actually, that's a decent point.
But think about what you're saying here.
We have.
We should at least discuss pursuing a change in leadership.
Yeah, definitely, let's pursue it.
Oh, hey, Eleanor, we were just talking about maybe you shouldn't be Team Leader? - Saved it.
- Go ahead, guys.
Speak your mind.
It isn't personal, Eleanor.
When we started this experiment, I calculated a 9% chance of success.
After your first three days on the job, it's down to 7.
1%.
So purely from a mathematical standpoint, you are kind of pooching it.
Very helpful feedback.
And if I could give you some feedback, I'd say that you're all ungrateful ash-faces who can shove your fat grumps all the way up your snork-box.
Which curses were those? I didn't ask for this! I'm only doing it because Michael, who is supposed to be in charge, had a nervous breakdown the second it started.
But maybe you can do it better than me.
Tahani can be in charge since she's so smart.
Or better yet, Jason.
Maybe all of humanity can be saved with one good old-fashioned Jacksonville carnival.
I mean, we could try.
All I need is a bouncy house, some ninja stars, and a bunch of ambulances.
Well, good luck, forkfaces.
I quit.
Shellstrop out.
You got it all out of your system? You gonna come back? - Get to work? - No, man.
I meant what I said.
I quit.
I'm sorry you overheard that.
And they're sorry they said it.
But you don't just get to quit this, Eleanor.
This is not your 7th grade band or three hours into a two-week juice cleanse.
A little more at stake here.
Yeah, man, that's why I'm quitting.
The things that are happening here are above my pay grade.
How do I get Brent to stop being such a deckhead? How do I fix Simone when she's convinced all of this is happening inside of her brain? Ooh, maybe I should drive her into the arms of my ex-boyfriend that sounds fun.
What do I do about John the gossip king, or the demon spy who punched me in the face? And how do I do it all with a pleasant smile to keep everyone's spirits up? I'm not meant for this.
I'm not the freakin' savior of the universe.
I'm just a girl from Arizona.
That's it.
I'm just a normal girl from Arizona.
I ate junk food.
I watched reality shows.
I sometimes left H&M wearing more underpants than I had on when I came in.
I did a bad job of being in charge of my own life, and now I'm supposed to be in charge of everyone else's life? I I cannot do this.
When I started my experiment, I thought: "Four broken birdbrains who will believe "everything I tell them.
This will be a breeze.
" You beat me in three months.
Okay, fine, I thought.
A fluke.
You then beat me 800 more times.
Because human beings, it turns out, are weird and I will never truly understand what it's like to be one.
This is a job for a human one who's tough but also empathetic and has a big heart.
And a world-class bullshirt detector.
You think you can't do this? Eleanor you're the only one who can do this.
Like it or not the only one who can save a humanity is a girl from Arizona.
But everything I do blows up in my face.
I'm like a hot, blonde Wile E.
Coyote That's true.
About you making lots of mistakes, not the thing where you sexualized a cartoon.
Come on, you know how this works.
You fail and then you try something else.
And you fail again and again, and you fail a thousand times, and you keep trying because maybe the 1,001st idea might work.
Now, I'm gonna and try to find our 1,001st idea.
I hope you'll join me.
I hope you shower first and then join me.
Ladies and gentlemen, back with her trademark brand of B-minus leadership, Eleanor Shellstrop.
We are so, so, so sorry, Eleanor.
We never should've questioned you.
Don't worry about it, hot stuff.
I was questioning me, too.
But I'm back, baby.
And I have a new idea for Brent.
Guys like him never think they're wrong, so we're gonna tell him he's right.
Brent.
This conversation must remain confidential.
- Okay.
- Obviously, you're a very smart guy.
- Yes.
- But we need to know that we can trust you with sensitive information.
You can.
I routinely buried HR complaints, so, no problem.
Truth is, Brent, you figured us out.
There is a Best Place.
I knew it.
I knew it.
The Best Place is reserved for a select upper echelon of good people, sort of like a Diamond Elite VIP Club of Afterlife residents.
I was Diamond Elite.
I swear.
One time I did shots with this pilot in the lounge, and the guy let me fly his helicopter.
We know.
That's how you died.
- Right.
- So you'll all be evaluated, and then a very small group of the most morally upstanding residents get to go.
Oh, I see.
So it's like a "good deeds" contest? That's easy.
I'm gonna crush this.
Oh, and hey mum's the word, right? Why tip off my competition? Oops.
Looks like you dropped your fork.
Let me get that for you.
Did you get that? The fork thing? Or should I start writing these down? No, you're good.
We'll keep track.
Great.
Love it.
Hi, Jason.
Janet, I'm so happy to see you.
I got you a box of chocolates.
But then I remembered you can't eat, so I ate them.
And I thought it'd be a nice present for me to describe them to you.
So the first one was gross Jason, um, please just let me talk.
You know that I've been overwhelmed with work since the Neighborhood started.
- Yup.
- And I asked you to give me some space.
Yup.
I'm so sorry to say this.
But I can't be in a relationship with you right now.
Being with you is fun, but it's not always easy, and I'm afraid it would endanger the experiment.
- It won't, though.
- Jason, it already has.
So why don't we just take a break until it's all finished.
Also, I hate to pile on, but I feel like you have a right to know.
The Jacksonville Jaguars cut Blake Bortles.
He's not on the team anymore.
I am genuinely sorry.
Hi, how are you? Nice to see you.
Enjoy your yogurt.
Problem is, now he's saddled with a bad motivation.
I mean, his points won't go up if the only reason he's being nice is to make his points go up.
Yeah, but that was also my situation when I first asked Chidi for help.
I only did it so you wouldn't catch me.
We have to hope that over time Brent starts doing good things out of habit.
Just like you.
Hey, I just realized something.
That whole "you're the only one who can save us" speech you didn't actually have a nervous breakdown on day one, did you? You faked it so that I would step up and take over.
- Guilty.
- You tricky devil! Very clever.
All right.
Time to go help Simone and Chidi.
Oof, why did I come up with this idea? This is gonna hurt real bad.
I know, I know.
But I think it's gonna work.
Yeah, but it's gonna suck for me.
You sure there's no other girl from Arizona who can do this? What about Emma Stone? She's from there.
She's very capable.
Remember her in "Zombieland" and "La La Land"? What's with all her movies ending with "land"? - You're stalling.
- Yep, heading out.
Jason, I'm so sorry.
Janet was my whole Afterlife.
How am I gonna get over her? I used to have a breakup routine when a relationship ended Champagne and Alanis Morissette.
Not the actual singer.
I'd just listen to her albums at my friend Adele's house.
I guess I could do my normal breakup routine drink a ton of Mountain Dew, steal an ATV, and ride it through a Panda Express.
But then I'd have to ask Janet for the Mountain Dew and the ATV, and then I'd have to see Janet, and then I'd start crying.
What do I do? I honestly don't know.
But whatever you do, you'll be doing it with your friends.
And I didn't even get to tell you about the Blake Bortles part.
So, Chidi do you remember that woman Simone from the party the other night? Simone the Third Eye Blind superfan who walked around cutting off people's ponytails? That's the one.
I need your help acclimating her to the Neighborhood.
I've tried, but since she thinks this whole thing is imaginary and I'm an authority figure, I'm extra suspicious.
Well, what makes you think I'd have any more luck? Chidi, you and Simone are soul mates.
Soul mates? Like our souls are are Mates.
Yes.
Everyone has people that they're cosmically bound to, and the system brings them together in the Afterlife, and I can say with complete certainty that you and Simone are two such people.
I haven't told her yet.
I wouldn't have told you ordinarily, but since she's gone a little cuckoo bananas that's the official Architect term I thought it was prudent to let you know.
Whoo, boy, uh I'm getting a stomach ache but a good one.
A happy stomach ache.
This is new! There are some great writings on simulated realities that might help her adjust Descartes, Moravec, Zhuang Zhou.
I wonder if I can summon a book from my apartment.
Well, good luck.
This is incredible! I spent my whole life in pursuit of fundamental truths about the universe, but I never actually fell in love with someone.
I know.
Oh, right, of course.
You know everything about me.
I do, indeed.
Hi, Simone.
Uh, Chidi.
From the other night.
Oh, wow.
My brain must really like keeping you around.
Have a fake seat and grab a yogurt that doesn't exist.
Right, um so if I understand your state of mind, it's basically solipsism.
You think that you're the only real thing in the universe and everything else stems from your consciousness.
Yes, but to be fair, I only think that because it's true and I'm right.
No offense, but solipsism as a philosophy is pretty juvenile, especially for a person with multiple advanced degrees.
It's also impossible to refute because everything you see is confirmed by your belief.
However Dude.
What? I mean, if none of this is real, then it really shouldn't matter, right? In fact - Ha.
Dude! - What? It's not real! None of this matters.
Leave that on your nose - for the rest of time.
- Fine.
Point sort of taken.
You know, in a larger sense, if you go around acting like no one else matters then you end up doing things like knocking over cakes and pushing people into pools and just generally acting like a jerk.
Why not treat them better just in case they're real? I mean, what do you have to lose by treating people with kindness and respect? Okay, keep talking, probably fake, but maybe real, philosopher man.
Well, good news Simone and Chidi are hitting it off.
I mean, I wasn't getting any use out of him as a boyfriend, so why not pass him off to someone in need? Is this what donating old bras to Goodwill feels like? Must've been really hard lying to Chidi like that.
That's the thing.
I don't know that it was a lie.
They did fall in love on Earth, and Michael was right.
Chidi made a huge sacrifice for us, and I had to make sure it was worth it.
It's arguable that you made an even bigger sacrifice.
You actually have to live with this situation.
Chidi just gets to go around blissfully unaware of what he gave up.
Yeah, but we know what he gave up.
Dat ash.
Come on, bud, I know you're down, but you can't leaving me hanging.
You're right.
That is the code.
You can have literally anything you could possibly - What the - You sent a demon in disguise as one of the subjects? This outrageous act must be punished.
Chidi will be the fourth subject in this experiment.
I still don't get why the Bad Place would try something so obvious.
They're desperate.
They know they're gonna lose.
Plus, we can get rid of the Linda picture and put a Chidi picture on the other side since we know a ton about him.
This is all good news, right, Team Leader? Yeah, it's super cool that I'm actively surveilling and manipulating an ex-boyfriend.
I mean, more so than I usually did.
Okay, let's focus on Brent.
Born on third base, thinks he invented the game of baseball.
Guys like this believe that the world revolves around them because it kind of does.
If we could get him to listen to anyone else, he'd hear how much better they are than he was, which might make him realize that he doesn't belong here.
And also, bonus maybe he cries like a stupid little baby.
- - Anyway, long story short, that's why there are still ducks.
- I saved all the ducks.
- Aw! Incredible.
Wow.
Thank you, Wanda.
What a life.
Now we turn to our next guest, Chidi Anagonye.
Now Chidi, you led an impressive life as an academic.
Well, not "save an entire species" impressive, but, yes, I was a professor of ethical and moral philosophy.
I'm sorry literally every duck? - You saved every duck? - In essence, yes.
And I didn't mention this before.
I really don't like to brag but also horses.
- Oh! - What? Man I mean, compared to you, I feel a little inadequate.
Hey, Mikey, can I ask you something? I feel bad for making Janet's life more chaotic and unpredictable, so here's my idea to make it up to her.
Me and 100 Janet Babies do a giant flash mob just total unpredictable chaos all around her.
Great idea, right? Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason.
- Mm-hmm.
- Sorry, I put a little cheat code in the Neighborhood where if I say your name five times my headache goes away.
Do you know why I forced you to act like a monk in the original Neighborhood? Does it have to do with the TV show "Monk"? No.
It's because you have no control over your own impulses.
You think every problem can be solved with a Molotov cocktail or slashing somebody's tires or plunging Derek.
So being a monk was torture for you.
The only way for you to repair your relationship with Janet is to give her some space.
Show her that you can control your impulses.
So you're saying wanting to do something isn't a good reason to immediately do it? Yeah.
Man, I wish someone had taught me this on Earth.
People tried, mostly judges.
Hey, show time.
And now, Brent Norwalk, why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself? Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Sure.
I'm pretty interesting.
I grew up in Chicago.
A suburb, obviously.
I went to Princeton University.
No handouts, by the way.
I earned my spot there just like my father and his father before him.
I then inherited the family business, and in just 18 years, I grew Norwalk Materials from a $90 million company to a $94 million company.
One second.
Hey, Janet.
- Hi, there.
- Perrier.
Why don't you tell us about a time when things didn't come so easy to you.
Look, I've had my share of disappointments.
I smartly bought Netflix stock at $38 a share, but I couldn't cash it in before I died, so all that money's going to my dumb kid.
But you have to press on, right? In the words of Martin Luther King, Jr.
, who I personally believe was a great man, he said that when life knocks you on your butt, you jump back up and start throwing haymakers.
I'm not sure he said that.
No, no, he did.
You're wrong.
For me, Eleanor, it's all about taking personal responsibility.
I don't know if people do that.
And if you ask me, that's what's wrong with this country.
What country? This was fun, Eleanor, but I have a tee time.
Daddy no golfy, daddy get cranky.
So, Chad, duck lady, nice to meet you.
Thank you.
Thank you all very much.
You were great.
A car? - He got a car? - Okay, well, back to the drawing board.
If we want him to understand he doesn't belong here, we don't need a drawing board.
We need to bust him open like a piñata.
We tried that in the Bad Place.
The goo that comes out doesn't taste as good as candy.
No, dude, metaphorically.
Ahh.
Although, there is another Bad Place strategy that might work very well here.
I don't know if that's the right move.
It's our only move.
And we're doing it.
Tomorrow.
What the Hey, Janet? Janet! Is that Perrier? - Michael, Eleanor.
- Brent, I'm so sorry.
We don't know why all of this is happening.
Well, I do.
This chaos is clearly all about me.
This is the universe telling me that I don't belong here.
Brent, what do you mean? I don't belong in the Good Place.
I mean, obviously there's a place better than this.
I belong there.
In the best place.
Walk me through this, Brent.
I'm not sure we follow.
Well, I've been feeling this way for a while now.
I mean, this can't be all the Afterlife has to offer.
Not to the cream of the crop.
I mean, if this is heaven, then where are my guys? Where's Scotty and Schultzy and Porcupine? Where's White Guillermo? And where is Mexican William? And what about Squirtman? Well, he makes a good point.
You know, what about Squirtman? Also, frankly, my assistant Janet is a little uptight.
I mean, she hasn't worn any of my gifts.
Have you been asking Janet to make herself clothes that you give back to her? Yeah, you're doing the math right there, bud.
Look, this chaos, which is clearly all about me, is a sign.
If this is the Good Place, I belong in the best place.
So figure it out.
Get back to me, okay? I'm gonna go punch a wall with my head.
I'll meet up with you later.
Michael, I'm afraid we need to talk about Eleanor.
I know what you're gonna say.
She's just been really busy.
I'm sure she'll get around to showering at some point.
No, it's not that, although, it's not not that.
It's possible we need a new Team Leader.
Oh, really? We just can't help but question her decision-making.
She balked at bringing Chidi and Simone together.
She ignored my concerns about Linda.
Her plans for Brent backfired.
We've made precious little progress.
Perhaps leadership isn't her forte.
Yeah, I mean, Eleanor is dope, but she keeps screwing everything up.
That's my thing, and you wouldn't put me in charge.
Actually, that's a decent point.
But think about what you're saying here.
We have.
We should at least discuss pursuing a change in leadership.
Yeah, definitely, let's pursue it.
Oh, hey, Eleanor, we were just talking about maybe you shouldn't be Team Leader? - Saved it.
- Go ahead, guys.
Speak your mind.
It isn't personal, Eleanor.
When we started this experiment, I calculated a 9% chance of success.
After your first three days on the job, it's down to 7.
1%.
So purely from a mathematical standpoint, you are kind of pooching it.
Very helpful feedback.
And if I could give you some feedback, I'd say that you're all ungrateful ash-faces who can shove your fat grumps all the way up your snork-box.
Which curses were those? I didn't ask for this! I'm only doing it because Michael, who is supposed to be in charge, had a nervous breakdown the second it started.
But maybe you can do it better than me.
Tahani can be in charge since she's so smart.
Or better yet, Jason.
Maybe all of humanity can be saved with one good old-fashioned Jacksonville carnival.
I mean, we could try.
All I need is a bouncy house, some ninja stars, and a bunch of ambulances.
Well, good luck, forkfaces.
I quit.
Shellstrop out.
You got it all out of your system? You gonna come back? - Get to work? - No, man.
I meant what I said.
I quit.
I'm sorry you overheard that.
And they're sorry they said it.
But you don't just get to quit this, Eleanor.
This is not your 7th grade band or three hours into a two-week juice cleanse.
A little more at stake here.
Yeah, man, that's why I'm quitting.
The things that are happening here are above my pay grade.
How do I get Brent to stop being such a deckhead? How do I fix Simone when she's convinced all of this is happening inside of her brain? Ooh, maybe I should drive her into the arms of my ex-boyfriend that sounds fun.
What do I do about John the gossip king, or the demon spy who punched me in the face? And how do I do it all with a pleasant smile to keep everyone's spirits up? I'm not meant for this.
I'm not the freakin' savior of the universe.
I'm just a girl from Arizona.
That's it.
I'm just a normal girl from Arizona.
I ate junk food.
I watched reality shows.
I sometimes left H&M wearing more underpants than I had on when I came in.
I did a bad job of being in charge of my own life, and now I'm supposed to be in charge of everyone else's life? I I cannot do this.
When I started my experiment, I thought: "Four broken birdbrains who will believe "everything I tell them.
This will be a breeze.
" You beat me in three months.
Okay, fine, I thought.
A fluke.
You then beat me 800 more times.
Because human beings, it turns out, are weird and I will never truly understand what it's like to be one.
This is a job for a human one who's tough but also empathetic and has a big heart.
And a world-class bullshirt detector.
You think you can't do this? Eleanor you're the only one who can do this.
Like it or not the only one who can save a humanity is a girl from Arizona.
But everything I do blows up in my face.
I'm like a hot, blonde Wile E.
Coyote That's true.
About you making lots of mistakes, not the thing where you sexualized a cartoon.
Come on, you know how this works.
You fail and then you try something else.
And you fail again and again, and you fail a thousand times, and you keep trying because maybe the 1,001st idea might work.
Now, I'm gonna and try to find our 1,001st idea.
I hope you'll join me.
I hope you shower first and then join me.
Ladies and gentlemen, back with her trademark brand of B-minus leadership, Eleanor Shellstrop.
We are so, so, so sorry, Eleanor.
We never should've questioned you.
Don't worry about it, hot stuff.
I was questioning me, too.
But I'm back, baby.
And I have a new idea for Brent.
Guys like him never think they're wrong, so we're gonna tell him he's right.
Brent.
This conversation must remain confidential.
- Okay.
- Obviously, you're a very smart guy.
- Yes.
- But we need to know that we can trust you with sensitive information.
You can.
I routinely buried HR complaints, so, no problem.
Truth is, Brent, you figured us out.
There is a Best Place.
I knew it.
I knew it.
The Best Place is reserved for a select upper echelon of good people, sort of like a Diamond Elite VIP Club of Afterlife residents.
I was Diamond Elite.
I swear.
One time I did shots with this pilot in the lounge, and the guy let me fly his helicopter.
We know.
That's how you died.
- Right.
- So you'll all be evaluated, and then a very small group of the most morally upstanding residents get to go.
Oh, I see.
So it's like a "good deeds" contest? That's easy.
I'm gonna crush this.
Oh, and hey mum's the word, right? Why tip off my competition? Oops.
Looks like you dropped your fork.
Let me get that for you.
Did you get that? The fork thing? Or should I start writing these down? No, you're good.
We'll keep track.
Great.
Love it.
Hi, Jason.
Janet, I'm so happy to see you.
I got you a box of chocolates.
But then I remembered you can't eat, so I ate them.
And I thought it'd be a nice present for me to describe them to you.
So the first one was gross Jason, um, please just let me talk.
You know that I've been overwhelmed with work since the Neighborhood started.
- Yup.
- And I asked you to give me some space.
Yup.
I'm so sorry to say this.
But I can't be in a relationship with you right now.
Being with you is fun, but it's not always easy, and I'm afraid it would endanger the experiment.
- It won't, though.
- Jason, it already has.
So why don't we just take a break until it's all finished.
Also, I hate to pile on, but I feel like you have a right to know.
The Jacksonville Jaguars cut Blake Bortles.
He's not on the team anymore.
I am genuinely sorry.
Hi, how are you? Nice to see you.
Enjoy your yogurt.
Problem is, now he's saddled with a bad motivation.
I mean, his points won't go up if the only reason he's being nice is to make his points go up.
Yeah, but that was also my situation when I first asked Chidi for help.
I only did it so you wouldn't catch me.
We have to hope that over time Brent starts doing good things out of habit.
Just like you.
Hey, I just realized something.
That whole "you're the only one who can save us" speech you didn't actually have a nervous breakdown on day one, did you? You faked it so that I would step up and take over.
- Guilty.
- You tricky devil! Very clever.
All right.
Time to go help Simone and Chidi.
Oof, why did I come up with this idea? This is gonna hurt real bad.
I know, I know.
But I think it's gonna work.
Yeah, but it's gonna suck for me.
You sure there's no other girl from Arizona who can do this? What about Emma Stone? She's from there.
She's very capable.
Remember her in "Zombieland" and "La La Land"? What's with all her movies ending with "land"? - You're stalling.
- Yep, heading out.
Jason, I'm so sorry.
Janet was my whole Afterlife.
How am I gonna get over her? I used to have a breakup routine when a relationship ended Champagne and Alanis Morissette.
Not the actual singer.
I'd just listen to her albums at my friend Adele's house.
I guess I could do my normal breakup routine drink a ton of Mountain Dew, steal an ATV, and ride it through a Panda Express.
But then I'd have to ask Janet for the Mountain Dew and the ATV, and then I'd have to see Janet, and then I'd start crying.
What do I do? I honestly don't know.
But whatever you do, you'll be doing it with your friends.
And I didn't even get to tell you about the Blake Bortles part.
So, Chidi do you remember that woman Simone from the party the other night? Simone the Third Eye Blind superfan who walked around cutting off people's ponytails? That's the one.
I need your help acclimating her to the Neighborhood.
I've tried, but since she thinks this whole thing is imaginary and I'm an authority figure, I'm extra suspicious.
Well, what makes you think I'd have any more luck? Chidi, you and Simone are soul mates.
Soul mates? Like our souls are are Mates.
Yes.
Everyone has people that they're cosmically bound to, and the system brings them together in the Afterlife, and I can say with complete certainty that you and Simone are two such people.
I haven't told her yet.
I wouldn't have told you ordinarily, but since she's gone a little cuckoo bananas that's the official Architect term I thought it was prudent to let you know.
Whoo, boy, uh I'm getting a stomach ache but a good one.
A happy stomach ache.
This is new! There are some great writings on simulated realities that might help her adjust Descartes, Moravec, Zhuang Zhou.
I wonder if I can summon a book from my apartment.
Well, good luck.
This is incredible! I spent my whole life in pursuit of fundamental truths about the universe, but I never actually fell in love with someone.
I know.
Oh, right, of course.
You know everything about me.
I do, indeed.
Hi, Simone.
Uh, Chidi.
From the other night.
Oh, wow.
My brain must really like keeping you around.
Have a fake seat and grab a yogurt that doesn't exist.
Right, um so if I understand your state of mind, it's basically solipsism.
You think that you're the only real thing in the universe and everything else stems from your consciousness.
Yes, but to be fair, I only think that because it's true and I'm right.
No offense, but solipsism as a philosophy is pretty juvenile, especially for a person with multiple advanced degrees.
It's also impossible to refute because everything you see is confirmed by your belief.
However Dude.
What? I mean, if none of this is real, then it really shouldn't matter, right? In fact - Ha.
Dude! - What? It's not real! None of this matters.
Leave that on your nose - for the rest of time.
- Fine.
Point sort of taken.
You know, in a larger sense, if you go around acting like no one else matters then you end up doing things like knocking over cakes and pushing people into pools and just generally acting like a jerk.
Why not treat them better just in case they're real? I mean, what do you have to lose by treating people with kindness and respect? Okay, keep talking, probably fake, but maybe real, philosopher man.
Well, good news Simone and Chidi are hitting it off.
I mean, I wasn't getting any use out of him as a boyfriend, so why not pass him off to someone in need? Is this what donating old bras to Goodwill feels like? Must've been really hard lying to Chidi like that.
That's the thing.
I don't know that it was a lie.
They did fall in love on Earth, and Michael was right.
Chidi made a huge sacrifice for us, and I had to make sure it was worth it.
It's arguable that you made an even bigger sacrifice.
You actually have to live with this situation.
Chidi just gets to go around blissfully unaware of what he gave up.
Yeah, but we know what he gave up.
Dat ash.
Come on, bud, I know you're down, but you can't leaving me hanging.
You're right.
That is the code.