The Grand Tour (2016) s04e02 Episode Script

1
(ENGINE REVS)
(TRAIN WHISTLE)
(BROADCAST IN FRENCH)
(ACCORDION MUSIC)
Hello, and welcome to what is
very obviously the South of France.
Except this isn't
the South of France
where there are carefully
designed topless swimsuits
and Russian billionaires
turn up on super yachts.
This isn't even
in the same hemisphere.
This is 5,700 miles south
of the South of France.
It's a tiny volcanic island in the
Indian Ocean called Réunion.
It is weird, isn't it? Cos this
isn't like a French protectorate.
It's actually France.
- You know the flight from Paris to here?
- Yeah.
The longest internal flight
in the world.
Because it is an internal.
France to France.
And because of
the time difference,
this was the first place in the world
where a euro exchange happened.
Yes, and wasn't it for, like,
a bag of lychees?
It was.
- Ooh, that was a bit good.
- Nice one, mate.
Did you just see that shot?
JEREMY: In order to blend
with the Côte d'Azur vibe,
I've come here with
a V8 Bentley Continental.
(ENGINE REVS)
Now, I'll admit that Bentley forged its
reputation many years ago at Le Mans,
which is in the north of France.
But it's changed since then.
Now it's the most South of
France brand of them all.
The recipe's
still the same, though.
It's a big, heavy suet pudding
of torque and opulence.
Yeah. (LAUGHS)
This is the first time ever
on our adventures
when I've had a proper,
functioning, decent car.
Whatever Mr Wilman has in mind,
this'll be perfect.
RICHARD: Yeah, but this is better.
(LAUGHS)
This is a Ford Focus RS,
the latest version.
350 brake horsepower from a
four-cylinder turbo-charged engine.
It's light, 1500 kilos,
and it's clever.
It has torque vectoring.
It can send up to 70% of
the total power to the rear axle.
And it can divert 100%
of that to one wheel.
(CRACKLES AND BANGS)
I love those crackles
and bangs on the overrun.
(CRACKLES AND BANGS)
(LAUGHS)
It's just Yeah, it brings
out the yobbo in me.
(CRACKLES AND BANGS)
Hello, viewers.
And as you would imagine,
I've done this properly.
I've come in this.
This is a Caterham.
It is a 310R, to be precise.
It is a bit of a faff getting in,
admittedly, but once you are in,
the rewards are enormous
because this car
was born in the '50s,
designed by Colin Chapman as a
self-assembly weekend racing car.
This is the sort of thing that
enthusiasts online go on about.
You even have to put
the steering wheel on.
(CAR PULLS UP)
Then you just close the door,
clip it in place and we'll be on our way.
- It's nice this, mate, innit?
- Bloody fabulous.
I wonder why they fitted
the kill switch on the outside?
(ENGINE CUTS OUT)
Oh
I'll put it there
so you don't lose it.
Right, gotta get on.
- Don't be a cock, Hammond.
- (LAUGHS)
(SIGHS)
(ENGINE REVS)
JAMES: Leaving aside the
unfortunate position of the kill switch,
I can think of no better car
for these fantastic roads.
If you like the sensations
of driving, you know,
like turning the wheel and changing
the gears and pressing the pedals,
you want one of these.
(SQUEAL OF TYRES)
Doesn't have traction control,
doesn't have brake assist,
doesn't have adaptive suspension,
it doesn't have flappy paddles.
It doesn't even have air bags.
It's just a car.
Absolutely perfect.
JEREMY: Having introduced our cars
to this tropical island, we all met up.
It's so nice to be back
in the EU, sun shining.
Beautiful views, great coffee.
Oh, here comes ASBO boy!
(REVVING AND CRACKLES AND BANGS)
(LAUGHS)
How's your ankle bracelet
in this heat?
Yeah, I just grew one as soon as I
sat down in it. It just formed on my leg.
(CRACKLES AND BANGS)
Now this is the coast road around the
north, sort of northwest of the island.
And there are
a lot of rockfalls on it.
They've tried to solve the problem by
dangling wire mesh
down the side of the cliffs,
but that hasn't really worked.
So the solution they've come
up with is pretty radical.
What the French are building
here is a ring road in the sea.
Designed to cope with 30-foot
waves and win votes,
this engineering masterpiece
cost £112 million per kilometre
and it's 12 kilometres long.
It is, then, the most expensive
piece of Tarmac in the world.
RICHARD: I was just thinking
this incredibly expensive,
mind-bogglingly complicated
stretch of road
could serve a useful purpose.
Mm. Mm.
JEREMY: And so
JAMES: I don't really know
how to call this, to be honest.
I've got the least power but
I've got the least weight.
JEREMY: Hammond and I both have
turbo-charging and four-wheel drive
and you don't want either of
those things in a drag race.
He, however,
has got launch control.
Not that he knows how it
works, I should imagine.
RICHARD:
Trip I don't want trip.
Settings.
Driver assist.
Launch control.
So it's
Oh, no, it's cut out. Wait.
Jeremy Clarkson's
actually got out of the car.
Driver assist.
Launch control.
Hammond's launch control is
- Really?
- Yes.
Launch control is troublesome.
That's odd,
because he's so useful at
- What's that do? - Leave it.
- (ENGINE CUTS OUT)
- What is it?
- It's You know what it is.
- I don't know what it is.
- Stop being an arse.
It's turned the engine Why is
the ignition key on the outside?
It's in case you have a crash.
It's really annoying.
Mustn't lose that.
(LAUGHS)
JEREMY: When James
had reassembled his car
and Richard
had sorted out his tech,
we were ready to go.
This Frenchman
in the yellow vest
is he going to start the race, do you
think, or throw a petrol bomb at me?
(REVVING)
(MORE REVVING)
(REVVING)
Trois, deux, un!
- (SQUEAL OF TYRES)
- Bloody hell.
They got a better start.
Second, I'm rowing it through
as quickly as I can. I am in front.
It's only 152 horsepower.
Now time to deploy
the speed and power
Bit late on that shift.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Stay Oh, goddamn it!
(LAUGHS)
JAMES: I'm losing. I'm losing.
I'm the first person
to lose on this road.
JEREMY: Oooh!
The inaugural Réunion
coastal road drag race
was just ripped into
by the Bentley.
Is it the face? Is it the face?
Yeah, it's the face.
It's the face.
JEREMY: After christening the
ring road with our important drag race,
we received a text from Mr Wilman.
And he was telling us to report to a
cemetery in the town of Saint-Paul
where we would
receive further instructions.
- JAMES: Chaps.
- What?
I have in my hand
a piece of paper.
- Is it from Neville?
- It is from Neville, actually.
It says, "In 1730 on Réunion,
a man called La Buse"
That's him in there.
"..was hanged for crimes
of piracy."
So this is La Buse. He was
What was he?
He had a pirate fleet.
- You know about this man?
- Yes. He was called The Buzzard.
Big nose he had as well.
There is more on
Neville's piece of paper
if you could just
keep quiet for a moment.
It says, "On his way to the scaffold he
threw a coded message into the crowd
that explained where
he had buried his treasure.
A copy of that message is
included in your pack."
Is that it?
That's it, yes.
- Well, it's just garbage.
- No, but here's the good bit.
"It's reckoned that his treasure
included the Fiery Cross of Goa,
a 220-pound, seven-foot high
golden crucifix studded with rubies
and that today the haul
would be worth £100 million."
- Wow.
- So?
"So it's your job to crack
the code and find the loot.
Your sincerely, Neville Wilman."
Oh, we are hunting
for pirate treasure?
- Yes, we are.
- Oh, come on.
Do you believe in
all this pirate nonsense?
What do you mean, "believe"?
Yes. Pirates were pirates.
Pirates knock
on your door and say,
"I've got this knocked-off copy
of the Avengers: Endgame.
Do you wanna buy it? It's
only five quid." That's a pirate.
Yeah, pirate now. Pirates then,
they had style. This one
- So we've gotta crack that
- Yes.
and that'll tell us where this,
- The Buzzard
- Yes.
buried his treasure?
Yes.
Well, how are you
gonna crack that?
This is so up his street.
What's happened here
is very straightforward.
He loves pirates, you
what do you like doing?
- Cracking codes. Doing Sudoku.
- Crosswords.
What do I do?
Well, you can have your We'll
be pirates, we'll split the treasure.
I'm not going to be a pirate.
Oh, so we won't
split the treasure?
If you want to share in the £100 million,
and I suggest you do,
you could maybe muck in a bit.
You can help digging.
I can't be doing
with pirates. It's all
All right, so you don't want any?
Well, I mean,
I'll have it if it's there.
Oh, will you?
JAMES: Back at the hotel,
I started on the code
while Nick and Margaret sat in
the background, being annoying.
Would it help if I built you a machine
made of brass and copper and transistors?
I heard if you drink a glass of
water like that whilst looking at it
- Have you thought about, A is one
- That's clever.
- B is two
- Oh, that's clever.
- No, wait, wait.
- What?
- I've already had a breakthrough.
- What?
Why don't you two go away and
leave me alone to work on it by myself?
It is a bit boring, this.
Not very piratey thus far.
JEREMY: So Richard and I
left James Turing to get on with it.
So La Buse
(MUTTERS)
It's a shame we can't go swimming.
Why can't we?
It's against the law.
What, swimming's illegal?
No, it really is.
Because between 2011 and 2016,
there were 43 fatal shark
attacks around the world.
19 were in the waters off Réunion.
- Out there?
- Yeah.
Well, look, it's only shallow.
If a shark comes, we can jump it.
I think we did that in 2013.
(CHUCKLING)
(TICKING)
JEREMY: Do you only read
pirate books?
If it's got a pirate ship on it,
you're gonna read it, aren't you?
It's exciting. There was
derring-do and adventuring.
The Lioness of Brittany,
1330 thereabouts.
She had a fleet of five or six
black ships called the Black Fleet.
She had them all painted black
with red flags. How cool is that?
JEREMY: On the third day,
we were running out of activities,
so we went to see
how Alan was getting on.
- Have you got anywhere?
- Yes.
Where?
After a two-headed dog
you take some honey.
Three days and that's it?
"After a two-headed dog
you take honey"?
Yeah, but I'm starting
with nothing.
- Um, you do know
- Hmm.
that they hung
La Buse here in Réunion?
Yeah.
But they arrested him
in Madagascar.
And he's hardly likely
to have said,
"Mind if I bring this seven-foot
gold cross and all my treasure
on your police boat
to the gallows" is he?
So it makes sense that the
treasure is buried in Madagascar.
How long have you known that?
Since I was ten.
Did you not think it might
have made sense to say that?
I had a thought and I've done this
before and made a fool of myself
by rushing in with it
before it's ready,
so I had to let it mature and
develop before I thought,
"Yes, I'll present this
thought to them."
I mean, there might be a place called Two
Headed Dog in Madagascar for all I know,
but I wasn't looking.
I've been looking at Réunion.
Well, we've got to go
to Madagascar, then.
Yeah.
- It's not far away.
- Is it not?
Yeah, but we can't take
those cars to Madagascar.
- Why?
- Might be fun.
Well, no, the roads
are terrible in Madagascar.
How do you know?
Cos I had a friend when I was
much younger called Mary
who went there
doing wildlife conservation
and she told me Madagascar was the worst
place she'd ever tried to drive a car.
We've been all over the world.
- We've seen a lot of potholes, mate.
- We have.
Yeah, but she went all over the world
as well, all over Africa, South America.
She says Madagascar's
got the worst roads.
All she ever talked to me about was
how bad the roads were in Madagascar
- and how often she was stuck.
- Right.
For days.
- Better modify our cars, then.
- I've got a Caterham.
We can modify that very easily.
- What, into an airship?
- I don't know.
Use your imagination.
JEREMY: So we found a workshop.
And as James began
Right, to work
Richard and I
went to a shop to buy kit.
- Bonjour.
- Bonjour.
Bonjour.
Avez-vous
jump leads, um
You see? (BARKS LIKE A DOG)
(BARKS)
(PANTING)
(CONTINUES BARKING)
Monsieur, avez-vous
batterie connecteur?
- Ah, no.
- Oh, merci.
What, jump leads
are called battery?
They're battery connector
Yes, that's what it is.
- Not - You don't have any?
- You mimed it in English.
Well, I just thought jump
leads, brilliant acting.
If you know the English
for jump leads.
JAMES: With the kit bought
and the modifications finished,
we set sail for Madagascar,
arriving two days later
in the port of Tamatave.
Hello again, viewers.
What I've done is this.
My car is already very light,
which is ideal for off-roading,
so I've put some
bigger wheels on it.
That's good for ground
clearance and grip.
That's it.
Clearly, Jeremy had done
rather more than that.
Let me talk you through what
I've done. There's a fair bit.
Got a winch here mounted
on a steel platform
and I have amour-plated steel
running from the front
to the back on the underside.
Headlamps, they're now
from a motorcycle.
I needed the space ordinarily taken
up by the lights for these snorkels,
which I've fitted so the car can now
wade through about six feet of water.
Moving further back,
big chunky tyres but the
wheels are actually smaller.
Now, that meant the original brakes
wouldn't fit, had to remove those,
replace them with the brakes
from a Golf GTI.
Then I moved the brake and fuel lines
inboard to give them extra protection
and removed the air suspension,
replaced it, in fact,
with long travel shocks and steel coils.
- You did all that in two days?
- Well, it was that workshop.
I don't know,
it was just so well-equipped.
It was well-equipped.
So I was able to do, I think,
a pretty thorough job.
I am genuinely impressed.
- I'll tell you what.
- What?
This is what life is like
outside the EU.
We were in the EU on Réunion,
smooth roads.
BMWs. "Would you like
a glass of Chablis?"
- Here
- Yeah! Oh, sorry.
Would you like
some food poisoning?
JEREMY: As we discussed post-Brexit life,
our colleague arrived.
O-K.
Ha-ha!
Yep, the flag and?
And a number of other changes.
OK, I'll talk you through it. I've
painted it black, skull and crossbones.
There is a flag, yes.
Full external roll cage and
if this isn't strong enough,
I've replaced the front and
rear crumple zones with girders.
I've raised the suspension by 19 inches
to give it 23 and a half inches
ground clearance.
And then if you look
closely here, the corners.
- Oh, yes.
- You know what he's done?
It's genius is
what I've done. Look at it.
- He's uninvented the wheel.
- You have, you've put triangles on.
JEREMY: Having sorted all that out,
we got back to the main problem.
The code.
I'm presuming, May, because you
haven't done very much with your car,
you've devoted quite a lot of time
to working out where in
Madagascar this treasure is.
- This non-existent treasure is buried.
- Indeed.
- Yes? And where is it?
- No idea.
- You still don't know?
- Not a clue.
It's still two-headed dogs and
lemons and parrots and things.
You do know they actually
arrested La Buse on Madagascar
in an area called Libertalia,
which is like a pirate
commune where they lived
and they had rules
of society and everything.
So it stands to reason that's
probably where he buried his treasure
when they arrested him.
Have you known that
since you were ten as well?
Er, yeah, yeah, I have.
Is there anything else you've
known since you were ten
which would be relevant to us
now that you ought to tell us?
No, that's it.
- So this Libertalia?
- Yeah.
- Where is it?
- North of here.
- How far north of here?
- 100 miles.
You actually know where it is?
Yeah, north of here.
100 miles north of here.
But you didn't say that
three days ago.
Again, you have to take
your time with a thought,
make sure it's ready,
turn it around, look at it.
Don't wanna make
a fool of myself, rush in.
JEREMY: And so, armed with Captain Jack
Hammond's new information, we set off.
(LAUGHS)
I've taken one of the finest
performance cars of its time,
a scalpel, and turned it
into a chainsaw.
(LAUGHS)
"Oh-arr, oh-arr, Jim lad."
I just don't get pirates.
You tell Tom Hanks that pirates
are romantic and interesting
They're not. They're
just floating burglars.
Got a light here telling me that
there's a fault with my air suspension.
I know, I've removed it.
But why had I removed it?
Because contrary to what James had said,
the roads were fine.
Yeah.
Not sure I needed to raise my car
much for this very smooth Tarmac.
Er, James?
Yes, what's your point?
Because of you, I've prepared
my car for Armageddon
and you've brought me
to a tea party.
JEREMY: All right, look at this.
Big test for the Bentley.
There it is.
Jeez, I feel like
Ranulph Fiennes here.
Look at me!
Look at what I've done.
Just because he befriended some girl in a
floaty skirt, I've ruined my whole hatch.
We should have known that a friend of
James' wasn't going to be an explorer.
The worst thing that happened
is a daffodil fell out
of her bicycle basket and she pan
"Oh, this is terribly rough.
It's absolutely awful."
(SONG PLAYING)
RICHARD: As we headed out
into the countryside,
we hoped the roads
would get worse
But no.
Hello. Bonjour.
They're all looking at me and
thinking, "What, is he mad?"
Look at that lovely road.
What were we thinking?
We took off-roading advice
from Jane Austen.
"Oh, James, I went to Madagascar
and the roads were nothing
like they are in Devon."
Bonjour. Please,
stop building roads!
- (TOOTS OF HORN)
- No more road surface.
Oh, God.
We've completely overdone
our cars.
They look good.
But they're not necessary
and nor is the journey.
70% of the Madagascan population
exists on
less than a dollar a day.
So if there were a
seven-foot golden cross
studded with rubies buried somewhere,
I'm fairly confident someone
would have found it by now.
Oh, and another thing: buried
treasure in all of human history,
not a single ounce of buried
treasure has ever been found, ever.
As I complained about our mission,
the road did suddenly get rougher.
Oh, yeah, that is a pothole.
That is a definitely a pothole
and that's another one Ooh.
O-K.
RICHARD: In the Ford tech
I thought my mods would shine
in this new rough terrain.
Sadly, however
Ow.
Slight hitch here.
I put my car on tracks,
but what I'm having trouble with
is the little wheels inside the tracks
that keep
Well, they're coming off
because we're driving on
a hard road
and these hard edges of
the potholes smash them off.
The simple fact is, these tracks,
brilliant as they are,
are made for use on mud and snow.
Off road. Not Tarmac.
(THUD)
RADIO: Hammo,
you've lost another one.
Oh, God.
JAMES: In the Caterham, it wasn't
just the potholes that were annoying
- (THUDS)
- Oh! Oh!
It was so dusty, it felt like I
was driving in a hot Hoover bag.
(COUGHS) Ugh, dust and stuff
getting in my eyes is appalling.
I'm gonna have to
find some goggles.
JEREMY: Life in the Bentley,
however, was fine.
I'm starting to really
like this car.
Now it's got a bit of mud on it,
it's starting to look like an MFB and
in case you don't know what MFB is,
it's what Samuel L Jackson
would call his Bentley if he had one.
Properly pretty villages.
Melon shop.
Melons, melons, melons.
Numberplate shop.
That is a shop where you can
get numberplates made up.
Wasn't expecting that.
I also wasn't expecting to
find an agreeable seaside hotel,
where, a bit later, a dusty and grimy
May chose not to join me for lunch.
Great.
Now the pool's
got a muddy dog in it.
RICHARD: I, meanwhile, was starting
to worry that in this heat on Tarmac,
my little plastic wheels
would be starting to warp.
So when I got to the hotel,
I also didn't join Jeremy for lunch.
I need to find a way
of cooling them.
Build a cooling system
out here with nothing.
And what I do in situations like this
is think to myself,
"What would Bear Grylls do?"
Having scoured the shoreline for
nature's raw materials, I set to work.
Well, fingers crossed.
Here's what I've done.
Luckily I've found these completely
full office water cooler bottles
that had been washed up.
Along with this nylon rope
that had also been washed up.
And along with them I found
these lengths of clear hose.
I've attached them to the car,
some cable ties had washed up.
And down here at the bottom
it can deliver
a life-saving trickle of cooling water.
It may not look pretty
but it'll work.
And as Bear Grylls himself says,
"Improvise, adapt, survive."
JEREMY: Sadly, Hammond's
modifications had taken so long,
it was too late in the day
to move on.
And anyway, May was busy
carpet-bombing the code with his OCD.
Here's something very
interesting I learned today.
I was next to a shop watching
a man count his water melons
and we would count one, two,
three, four, five like that.
But he was going one,
two, three, four, five,
which is exactly
what appears on there.
So that might be a letter
but it might be two.
Some of those symbols might be numbers,
they might be compass bearings,
they might be numbers of paces
from a tree, something like that.
Some of the bits that
appear to be gibberish
JEREMY: The next day, as the
sun rose on this little-known paradise,
we were back on the move.
So, May,
have you cracked the code?
Nope.
Predictable.
RICHARD: Still, at least my
cooling system was working.
Water delivered, life saved.
Thank you, Bear Grylls.
(LIVELY CHATTER)
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHS) My car is amusing.
Clearly, though, it was the MFB
that was causing more of a stir.
(LAUGHS)
Then we came across something
that wasn't so cheerful.
(WOMAN SPEAKS LOCAL LANGUAGE)
JEREMY:
That woman is in the stocks.
She's actually got
wooden handcuffs on.
(HORN TOOTING)
RICHARD: Chaps, this Tarmac
road has finally run out.
But it's kind of run out
completely.
- What do you mean?
- There's no road at all.
This looks like a ferry.
Once on board, I noticed Jeremy
had got himself a new number plate.
I just can't work it out, "MFB".
Must Fondle Buttocks?
Middle Aged Hm.
Hang on.
JEREMY: When the ferry
docked on the other bank
it was like we'd gone
back 200 years.
I'm going full goggles.
JEREMY: Bloody hell!
Yeah, this is quite bad now,
I'll admit.
RICHARD: Swim, swim, swim.
JEREMY: Finally,
the modifications we'd made to our cars
were coming into their own.
The MFB is through!
Four-wheel drive rugging
me out of that one.
RICHARD:
Now, this is more like it.
This is what I built my car for.
Tracks won't be getting too
hot. I'm cooling them in the water.
JEREMY: How's it going
in the Sherman?
RICHARD: Honestly,
it's a walk in the park. What about you?
It's a bit squeaky.
But it keeps going.
But what I'd love to know is
what's happening in the Caterham.
(CHUCKLES)
JAMES: Oh, Jesus!
Urgh!
That is turds! Jesus!
Ohh, the water's like a bath
that someone's had diarrhoea in.
Oh, Jesus!
Bollocks!
Aargh!
Argh!
Oh, shitty death.
I'll just adjust the
temperature down to
22 degrees, I think,
would be better.
Adjust the lumbar support
using this button down here.
Meanwhile, in the Ford
Motor's OK, temperature's good.
I can't tell you
how easy this is on my car.
- (HEAVY THUD)
- Ooh!
Ohh, that's a big rock
at the bottom of that puddle.
JEREMY: Luckily for Hammond,
we were running alongside a beach.
So I suggested
we use that instead.
Have we finally found a
terrain where those tracks work?
(CHUCKLES)
Yeah, we're looking good here.
It's gonna be brilliant, this car.
These are teething problems.
I'm doing something new here.
I'm literally reinventing
the wheel, and, you know
(HEAVY THUD)
Oh.
(HANDBRAKE ON)
Ohh.
Argh! (YELLS)
Oh, good. Here comes
a gloating orangutan.
JEREMY: What's happened?
Oh, I know!
Even I, with my limited knowledge,
is able to work out
that's not right.
It's not, is it?
JEREMY: To cheer Hammond up,
I decided to give him
a small present.
You've got a number plate as well.
- "Fury" as in Fury?
- As in the tank.
- For my car? That is
- Yes.
- So you can put "Fury" on it.
- Oh, I say!
It doesn't actually mean
that here, exactly.
What's it mean here?
Well, the Ygrec, the Y,
means "lady parts".
So what that actually says is
"Furry lady parts."
But, for you, it means "fury".
You're Brad Pitt in a tank -
pirate tank.
At that moment,
Giorgio Armani arrived.
Look at the state of you. Have
you had a trouser accident?
I was actually underwater
at one point.
JEREMY: Oh, that's
a disgusting place to sit.
Is that
Can you not drive like that?
No. (CHUCKLES)
JAMES: How did you do that?
It took me a lot of attempts
cos I wanted to do that.
JEREMY: Having wasted an eternity
watching Brad Pitt do his repairs,
we finally got back on the move.
I wonder why Formula 1 teams
don't use tracks, Hammond,
if you can change them
in just three hours?
(LAUGHS)
JEREMY: For James,
the misery continued.
How much more of this is there?
Oh, Jesus!
JEREMY: Things were so bad,
that at the next ferry crossing,
it looked like he was going to try
and make the far bank without a boat.
(JEREMY LAUGHS)
- Wouldn't you?
- Yeah, I would.
If somebody said to me, "Yes,
there are sharks in there,"
I'd still say, "I don't care."
It's on!
JEREMY: As we left the ferry,
James was much happier and cleaner.
I'm feeling pretty good now.
(ENGINE REVVING)
- (PEOPLE LAUGHING)
- Give me strength!
(LAUGHS) Look at him!
Oh, it's the little things
in life that I treasure.
We thought at this point the
road couldn't get any worse.
And then it did.
Right, so this terrain now
is soft sand.
And puddles.
I haven't tried this yet.
Maybe this is where I will shine.
JEREMY: Hammond was optimistic.
But in the three-ton Bentley,
I wasn't.
Jesus, I'm gonna get stuck here.
Come on.
(HEAVY THUD)
Right, I'm completely beached.
Your car not up to the job,
is that what you're saying?
JEREMY: Luckily
I could winch myself out,
using Brad and his pirate
tank as a ground anchor.
Why am I feeding out
his winch cable?
Why didn't
- I'll just do your winch.
- Ready.
(WHIRRING)
Have you ever seen the like?
Yeah.
RICHARD: What's happening
here is, I'm moving to you.
That's not supposed
to happen, is it?
- RICHARD: You need to put it in drive.
- Oh, sorry.
(WHIRRING)
MFB
Massive Fat
(HEAVY THUD)
Can I just say
my friend Mary
- Yes?
- was right.
Well, this isn't technically
a road, we're on a beach.
The roads were fine.
You said the worst roads
she'd ever seen.
I thought the roads were fine.
What's happened is,
the roads have finished.
Chaps, are you interested
in treasure or not?
£100 million worth,
available this way.
How far is this place?
We don't know. Libertalia -
it doesn't exist, anyway.
- It does exist.
- It doesn't exist!
Well, it did. They wrote about it.
Well, they wrote about
Narnia. Doesn't mean it existed.
We continued our journey
on what is genuinely
Madagascar's equivalent of the M1.
Oh, Christ!
Can't see a thing.
May can't be doing this with only
two-wheel drive, it's not possible.
JAMES: But thanks
to its lightness,
the plucky little Caterham
was ploughing on.
Mind the grit. There it is.
Bonjour.
It was Hammond, though,
who had the most reason to celebrate.
RICHARD: Finally, we've
found what it's good at.
(CACKLES)
This thing is unstoppable!
(HEAVY THUD)
Oh, my giddy aunt.
It looks like a wheelchair that's
fallen down a flight of stairs.
Yeah, it's bad.
OK.
What would you like me
to do about that?
What are you in a position
to do about that?
JEREMY: Having thought
about it for a long time,
I decided the answer was nothing.
So I left him to it
This is the tensioner assembly
that sits at the back of the track.
and set off with James
into the night.
JAMES: Oh, it's getting worse.
(HEAVY THUD)
Ohh, (BLEEP) me,
that was uncomfortable!
We were only 40 miles
from Libertalia,
this place that only exists in Richard
Hammond's colouring-in books.
So we figured we'd just keep
on taking the punishment.
If you've just joined us,
James May is covered in human excrement.
From behind, your hair looks
It's like Trevor McDonald's hair.
It is actually a single entity.
It's a new type of molecule.
(LAUGHS)
Would you like me
to give you a little push?
JAMES: Yeah, try it,
a little nudge.
Here I come. I shall try
to be gentle, James May.
(HEAVY THUD)
- (ENGINE REVVING)
- Oh, thanks!
JAMES: Jeremy and I battled
on for another two brutal hours
Please make it stop.
Just stop.
until we arrived at
another ferry crossing.
Sadly, however
Everything was as bad
as it could possibly be
and now it's worse.
The ferry's engine's broken.
But they have said that James
and I can pull it across.
I mean
They obviously looked at us and thought,
"Yeah, they're athletes."
- Oh, this is a nice rope.
- (GRUNTS) Isn't it?
God, heave!
Agh. Oh, my back!
(GROANS)
JAMES: As we pulled ourselves along,
I suddenly had a thought about Hammond.
- If we go over there and get off
- Yeah?
it's not gonna be on the
right side when he arrives.
Yeah, but that's not our problem.
You're absolutely right it isn't.
RICHARD: Several miles back,
having bodged a repair,
I was now back in the game.
Gingerly does not cover
how carefully
I'm driving this thing.
- (THUD)
- Ohh. Rock in there.
(CLATTERING)
It feels like it's tearing
itself to pieces.
JEREMY:
After 16 hours on the move,
James and I still had
a steely determination
to keep going to journey's end.
Our willpower was bulletproof.
We would not be distracted
from the job in hand.
Oh, a hotel. Hotel, look.
JAMES: Does it say "bar"?
"Hotel restaurant open."
That'll do.
Oh, my God.
That is deep.
Back in my world,
things were getting worse.
One of the crew cars had
provided a stark reminder
of what could happen if you
strayed even slightly off the track.
- Oh! That's grim.
- (HEAVY THUD)
Oh.
And on top of that,
my car felt like it was disintegrating.
- (RATTLING)
- That rattling noise.
Is that the bearing on that side?
Oh! Oh, Lord.
Consequently, my nerves were shot when,
at three in the morning
I arrived at the river crossing
to find the ferry
was on the other bank.
Oh, the (BLEEP) bastards!
- Oh!
- (CLATTERING)
I would therefore have
to row over to get it back.
This is shit!
Everything's shit!
And this (BLEEP) canoe
doesn't work!
(GRUNTS)
JEREMY: The next morning,
Richard Hammond was in a bit of a mood.
Was it difficult?
JEREMY: I, on the other hand,
was very happy.
Because, after a refreshing shave,
I noticed there was
a marked difference
between my living conditions
in the Bentley
Showroom fresh.
and May's in the Caterham.
Your car looks like Teddy
Kennedy's car after Chappaquiddick.
(HAIR TRIMMER BUZZES)
As I went back to my grooming,
the sulky Brummie finally spoke.
I don't particularly want
to talk to either of you.
But here's to explain why there may
be another opportunity to abandon me.
You know I've got problems
at the front end?
Yes.
I have significant problems
at the back.
Both of the rear
trailing arms are snapped.
Snapped?
Gone, broken.
JAMES:
It's well thought out, this.
Which means at any point,
the whole back end of my car
could collapse inward,
possibly firing one of these under
the car and throwing it on its roof.
In fairness, we won't see that
cos we'll be at least 20 miles ahead.
(SNIGGERING)
I'd love to offer you a lift.
I only give lifts to people who haven't
pulled my battery isolator switch out.
I'm very tempted to pull your
battery isolator switch off
your car and swallow it.
And then give it back to you
probably in ten minutes' time.
You think I'd notice on that car?
JEREMY: Mercifully,
the road that morning was much smoother.
And we were surrounded
by Madagascar
at its absolute vibrant best.
I'm not really looking where
I'm going cos of that view.
That's green.
We don't have anything that
green in Europe. Look at it.
Soon we arrived
at a much bigger ferry
that would take us on
a short hop up the coast.
JAMES: Slightly more
impressive boat than last night.
This one appears
to have an engine.
- And be here.
- Ooh!
JEREMY: When we reached our destination,
however, there was a problem.
(CLANKING)
Argh.
There was no way of driving
off the beach where we landed
until low tide.
So to kill the time, James
went back to codebreaking.
Hammond and I, meanwhile, realised
that in conditions as harsh as these
survival would be tough.
We'd need food.
So he began with a Bear Grylls
hostile environment classic -
the improvised beach oven.
When you've finished
digging your pit,
line it with some of
the rocks, about half.
And I'm gonna light a fire
on top of these rocks.
I could light a fire in any
one of a number of ways -
a piece of broken glass from the sea,
focused light from the sun onto a leaf
I'm gonna ask the crew
for a lighter.
There. It's working.
As Bear Grylls says,
three words in survival.
First-class travel and five-star
accommodation or I won't do it.
JEREMY: The second basic
principle of survival is hydration.
So I set about finding fluids.
A lot of survivalists
will tell you
that when you're thirsty, you
should drink your own piss.
But I say no to that. I say
Go into the jungle and find fruit.
And drink that instead.
It tastes nicer
and it does you more good.
Look.
Coconuts.
This is a rotten one
that's fallen down.
I'm gonna try and get a fresh
one by throwing this at it.
Right, my rocks are hot.
Which means
we're ready to get cooking.
So, take your fish
that you caught earlier -
that bit's not difficult,
that's the sea.
You wrap the fish in leaves.
Tie it off and now transfer
the fish to your beach oven.
(WINCES) Hot, hot!
Bury the fish,
to contain all that heat in
our oven that we built earlier.
Two hours from now,
that is gonna be
a cooked fish.
JEREMY: Having finally
hit a coconut
Yes! Ho-ho-ho! Yes!
I went in search of bananas.
Oh, yeah. Yes, yes, yes.
Shit!
OK.
And eventually, our survival
rations came together.
- Banana daiquiri.
- Really?
Yeah, banana,
coconut milk and rum.
Fantastic! Where did you
get the rum from?
- Back of the Bentley.
- Oh, clever!
JEREMY: Mm.
You can survive surprisingly
well with a Bentley.
- This is very good, by the way.
- Thank you.
I've said it before. Just
because it's a survival situation,
doesn't mean
we have to eat like animals.
Standards.
That's not bad.
It's very good, well done.
That is survival.
JEREMY: Back on the boat,
there was more joy.
James was actually
getting somewhere.
Where are we?
Yes!
Yes, yes, yes!
Ohh.
What I've found is the name of the
place where the treasure must be buried.
And it's on the map.
Let me tell you how I did it.
It's incredible.
La Buse was a pirate. Two things:
he wouldn't write this and tell you
where the treasure was in the first line.
He's gonna play with your mind
and tell you down here somewhere.
So I started
down in the last four lines,
I thought, "That's
where it's gonna be."
And then I discovered a name
that was as clear as day.
And I thought, "That sounds
like the name of a place."
Seranambe - and there it is.
Look, it's very small.
Can you see it? I've scribbled on
it in my excitement. Seranambe.
That's where it is.
All we have to do now is work
out where in Seranambe to dig.
That's the best thing
that's ever happened to me.
JEREMY: So James
had cracked the code
and Hammond and I had
learned an important lesson
about surviving on nothing but poached
fish and several banana daiquiris.
Remember
adapt.
- You've forgotten.
- Improvise, yes.
- (LAUGHS)
- Improvise. I've remembered.
- Adopt.
- No.
Adapt.
- Improvise.
- Survive.
That's what we're gonna do.
RICHARD: The next day,
with the daiquiris out of our system,
we drove off the beach to
find we were in Libertalia.
And tantalisingly close to the
village James had identified.
We know where we're going.
And it's 15 miles away.
In 45 minutes, we will be deep in
pirate country, digging for treasure.
We'll get there. You two go and establish
there's no golden crucifix with rubies
and I'll find a dribble of wi-fi
and book some flights home.
If you want to rule yourself
out of mind-blowing wealth, fine.
There won't be any wealth.
You're in for a terrible
disappointment.
I'm in pirate country,
that's what I'm in.
(LAUGHTER)
You're all right.
James, you're not even looking!
JEREMY: I had to admit one
thing about this so-called Libertalia.
It wasn't bad-looking.
If pirates were here,
and it's possible
They were here.
- I can see why they'd choose it.
- It's gorgeous.
If you sail the world,
pulling in at places like
JAMES: Southampton.
- Bristol.
- Southampton
and then you go to Calais,
you'd go, "Do you know"
Yeah, it's all right, isn't it?
"I'll do some pirating here."
JEREMY: Everything is just
ridiculously perfect.
RICHARD: That was
a blissful interlude, that.
Travelling silently across
No Ford key. Oh, no.
No, he hasn't?
He bloody has.
James May, have you done
what I think you've done?
He's taken the key.
James!
Damn it!
James! Give me my key fob.
It's like a little magic trick.
You've got to find it in the shop.
- You utter
- It's in the shop.
Come on! Not another
(LAUGHS)
Leaving Hammond
to look for his keys
Why are we playing
parlour games now?
James and I set off on the short
drive to the imaginary treasure village.
(VILLAGERS CLAMOURING)
(LAUGHTER)
Again, it's the funniest car
in the world.
The road is smooth.
Gonna be there by 11:00.
Sadly, however,
the road had other ideas.
(ENGINE REVVING)
The Madagascans call this the RN5.
JAMES: Christ, this is
proper rock crawl.
JEREMY: But there's a better name.
Hell.
JAMES: Right, what do I do?
I can't decide. I can't
decide. I'm gonna go that way.
- (HEAVY THUD)
- Oww!
Oww! Oww! Oww!
(THUDDING AND CLANKING)
The problem is,
I can't see the road ahead.
The bonnet is just
like a football pitch.
It's like a fat man
trying to look at his penis.
Ohh! Crike all bloody mighty!
RICHARD: Having found my keys,
I was now wishing I hadn't.
Oh, my God.
What I'm gonna try and do is
get it up and out of these ruts.
It might mean
some unusual angles at times.
Come on, little pirate.
Keep pushing.
(CLANKING)
Urgh!
Oh, shit.
I daren't look.
Aargh!
The track was completely mangled.
And as a result
Votre voiture,
c'est là-bas, oui?
I was now blocking the road.
I think what's happening here
is people are getting a bit cross.
I'm holding them all up,
there's obviously a traffic jam building.
This is the Route Nationale,
it's the main road.
The mainest of main roads.
On the plus side, silver lining
and all that, I met an actual pirate.
However, having chatted
to him for a bit
Un petit plus lentement,
s'il vous plaît. Français
I realised I couldn't
have been more wrong.
I've discovered something.
This guy's getting married today.
It's his wedding.
That's what all this is.
He's not dressed as a pirate.
He's a groom.
And I was holding up him
and his entire wedding party.
Oh, God!
Meanwhile, up ahead
OK, I admit it. This is the
worst road in the world ever.
Mary was correct.
Mary will probably
turn out to be a prop forward
who drives a JCB for fun
at weekends.
(THUDDING AND CLANKING)
Gaargh, that is a horrible noise!
JEREMY:
I think this is impossible.
I mean, we need some blasting
equipment to get through here.
If you come round this way,
you can see from down here,
there's no way in hell you
can get a Bentley up that.
Sadly, James and I didn't
have any blasting equipment.
So we had to do something radical.
Work together.
Tiny bit of left-hand down.
Now you'll have to go for it.
Please!
JAMES: Gently. There you go.
JEREMY: As we were
struggling with the terrain,
our colleague was having to deal, in bad
French, with his held-up wedding party.
Je m'excuse.
Maintenant, je aller
Je vais And you can do
the same. Sorry.
To speed things up,
I decided to ditch the tracks
and put the focus back on wheels.
And because they wanted
to get to the church on time,
the groom and his mates
were more than happy to help.
More wedding people.
JEREMY: Up ahead, our cars
were still taking the punishment.
(REVVING AND CLUNKING)
JEREMY: How in the bloody
hell is it doing this?
You are watching a Bentley
Continental coming up here.
Woo-hoo!
JAMES: However,
the big surprise of the day
was the two-wheel-drive Caterham.
Get up there, car. Come on. Go on.
Is that wheel up in the air?
Jesus, it did it.
Did you see that? It did it.
This is a track car.
It's a racing car.
(CLUNK) - Can I
just remind you of that?
RICHARD: At this point, I'd held
up the wedding party for two hours.
But, by using calmness
and patience
I'd been able
to get the wheels on
Merci.
Sorry.
get out of everyone's way
and then get back on the move.
Oh!
My big problem now,
ground clearance. I haven't got any.
(SCRAPING)
It's basically
a standard Focus RS.
(CLUNKING)
Oh! (BLEEP)
JEREMY: Up ahead, the road's
surface hadn't changed,
but it had got narrower.
So I had to use an ingenious
traffic management solution
developed by the locals.
So your job, you run ahead
to stop the cars?
- Yes. Stop the cars. Yes, that's my job.
- And that's your job.
(OVER RADIO)
I've just met a young guy
who's going to run ahead of us
to stop cars coming the other way.
What does he do if there are
cars coming the other way?
He stops them in a place where
we can get past, you mean?
Exactly.
He organises cars
to meet at the right place.
It worked. Running Boy,
as he called himself,
did a brilliant job
of managing the traffic.
Yes, what
This is a service I like.
I'm going to give him a lot of
money because he's bloody earned it.
My tight-fisted colleague,
however,
hadn't bothered to do a deal
with my new friend.
So he was encountering
oncoming traffic
Jeez.
in all the wrong places.
(HORN HONKING)
I can't go backwards.
I can't ba I can't reverse.
I'd have to reverse
for about four miles.
JEREMY: James is a stubborn man
but in the face of
this much opposition,
he had to resort to
bad English and his winch.
Strap on the tree.
This (WHOOSHES)
You drive.
Get out and help me. (WHOOSHES)
JAMES: Higher. Round the branch.
With the strap attached,
I winched away.
(WHIRRING)
Whoop!
Good?
- Good?
- (WHIRRING)
Can you get through?
Well done!
Oi!
(CLUNKING)
RICHARD: Several miles back,
the Ford, incredibly,
was still going.
Come on.
Gee! Bloody (LAUGHS)
There we go. Good car.
But I was struggling.
I'd been on the go for ten hours
and as I was heading
for another late night,
I decided to stop
and grab something to eat.
We've been given these
emergency ration packs.
So, what I do is,
take the top off there
and that's the food which is,
I don't know, beans and sausages.
That goes in there.
And then I add
a little drop of water.
I presume this triggers some
sort of chemical reaction
with whatever it is
in the little bag of stuff.
I don't think that's working.
There's no heat. I'd get more
out of a hand warmer.
Oh, wait a minute, it's inflating.
Oh! Oh, no! Oh, my God.
- Oh! No, there's
- (STEAM HISSING)
Ahh! Ah!
Argh!
It's O Oh! Oh, that's so hot!
Ah! Burning my balls! Ow!
(CLUNKING)
JAMES: As Hammond
cooked his testicles,
we were still on the move.
Just.
We still have
about nine miles to go.
I could crawl it faster
than we're going.
(CLUNKING)
Yeah. Go
Clarkson, stop. There's a man
here with parts of your car.
- (CLUNKING)
- Whoa.
Move. Come on, Bentley.
Come on, Bentley!
It's getting dark.
It's gonna go dark.
JEREMY: I can't believe it. We're not
going to make this bloody town tonight.
How can we fail to do
15 miles in a day?
I can't drive like this.
There aren't enough lights in
the world to illuminate this horror.
JAMES: So, we stop to make camp,
leaving Hammond out there
with nothing but four wheels
and his scalded balls.
Go on, keep pushing. Go on.
RICHARD: Thanks to
the toughness of the Focus,
and a little help from the locals,
I was amazingly still in the game.
Oh, that was quite rugged.
The going was getting
tougher and tougher.
But I was determined that the
little Ford and I would make it.
- (THUD)
- Oh, you (BLEEP).
(RICHARD GROANS)
Come on, clear that, go on.
Yeah.
But then
(CLUNKING)
- (CLATTERING)
- Oh, shit. Hold on. Hold on.
Oh, shit.
My clutch has just gone.
Yep. I don't have a clutch.
Pedal's stuck down.
(EXHALES)
Fuck.
(BLEEP)
I'm done.
That's it. It's a clutch.
I can't mend the clutch.
The clutch is a clutch and I
haven't got a spare one.
It is finished. It ends.
It's dead.
This was the first time ever
we'd lost a car
on one of our adventures.
But, there was no time to mourn
because as the sun rose
the next morning,
we were on the road early,
eager to cover the last
few miles to James's village.
I like walking,
but in the Lake District.
There's proper weather there.
All right, mate.
Have you seen how well
my car does this stuff?
JEREMY: Once again,
Running Boy was out doing his thing.
- Oh, look at this.
- (HE LAUGHS)
Thank you so much. Thank you.
Merci bien. Merci.
And, once again, Captain
Stubborn hadn't paid him.
(HORN HONKING)
Can you back up a bit?
No, no, no, no.
If you just back up a bit.
JAMES: Oi!
Oi!
- (THUD)
- Oh!
JEREMY: Then,
as we inched our way along,
the big bruiser finally stumbled.
Uh, temperature gauge
is climbing, climbing.
It's now in the red.
I'm gonna have to stop.
(HISSING)
The trouble is,
there are eight radiators in this thing.
I can't even see.
I can't get at anything.
JAMES: While my colleague
tried to fix his engine by staring at it,
I was arriving at our destination,
the village of Seranambe
(CHATTER AND LAUGHTER)
Hello.
where I'd crack
the last part of the code
and find the treasure.
In the cryptogram, there is an X.
It's obviously not
"X marks the spot".
That would be too obvious.
And, after it, there are distances,
which I'm gonna assume are paces,
not miles or kilometres
or anything like that.
But I don't know what the
I don't know what the X means.
I mean, if he's talking about buildings,
they'll have all gone.
The trees will all be different.
Only geographical features
will be the same
and this is just flat.
JEREMY: Back at the Bentley,
the news was not good.
I removed the entire front
of the car and I found this.
It's a part of the cooling system
and the end's come off.
The fact of the matter is this.
If I can't get that hose repaired,
it's game over for the MFB.
JAMES: By contrast, in the village,
things were looking up.
Wait a minute.
No, wait a minute.
It's the church.
Churches are always built on
the same spot, aren't they?
So the "X" is actually
a badly-drawn cross.
So from X, the crucifix,
it turns out, that's there,
north, that'll be
magnetic north, 120 paces,
that's where the treasure is.
After I'd found the spot
117, 118, 119, 120. There.
Hammond arrived.
So we broke out the shovels
and he started to dig.
- So where do you think he is?
- Who?
Jeremy.
Well, he was behind me about
two kilometres up the hill
- outside the town.
- Yeah.
And then I sort of lost
radio contact with him.
And I haven't heard
from him since.
- (RATCHET CLICKING)
- This isn't
Oh, this is never gonna work.
No, the end's come off.
The end's come off that now.
Why doesn't it?
Why is everything breaking?
Oh, God-all-bloody-mighty.
JAMES: There are two reasons
why we don't need him.
Yeah?
One is, he doesn't believe
in buried treasure.
Yeah.
And the other is, he's not
gonna do any digging, is he?
And the other is, treasure
goes a lot further split two ways.
- Exactly.
- It's 50 million each.
It's 49 and a half million. We'll
have to leave a bit for the crew.
JEREMY:
Sadly for James and Richard,
two hours later, they were
back to a three-way split.
What in the name of all
that's holy is going on here?
- It's not here, is it?
- JAMES: How do you know?
- Because it isn't here.
- It's not here yet.
We'd have found it by now. They didn't
build the Channel Tunnel, did they?
- Ahem.
- RICHARD: Oh, hello.
JAMES: Where the bloody
hell have you been?
I have been giving myself
dirty fingernails.
- Oh, dear.
- Why?
Well, I've been fitting my bonnet with
the Madagascar pack, but never mind that.
Why have you two dug a hole
in the middle of this pretty
little town's football pitch?
Because this is where
the treasure is.
- Is the treasure buried here?
- No.
Right, well, on that terrible,
but entirely predictable disappointment,
it's time to
Um, actually
It's not time to end, apparently.
Why? What?
You know that island down
there? We passed it yesterday.
Yeah?
Did you know it's actually
called Pirate Island?
And it makes sense,
if you think about it,
that he wouldn't have hid the treasure
on Madagascar, where it could be found.
He'd have hidden it in secret
on Pirate Island.
So, that's probably where
it is, innit? Think about it.
How long have you known
that that island
was called Pirate Island?
(EXHALES) Always.
JEREMY: Fearing that the village
football team might be a bit annoyed,
we decided
to get out of town, fast.
(REVVING)
Go on, get that up!
Come on!
Come on! Run it up!
TM-19032, this is James. Your
man is taking beer off the boat.
The beer is supposed
to go on the boat.
JEREMY: Whilst Roger the Cabin Boy
and Seaman Staines got ready to sail,
I paid Running Boy,
gave him some new shoes
Yes? Bon?
and then rushed
to the boat myself.
RICHARD: Finally.
Oh, good, they've ruined the football
pitch and now they've ruined the beach.
Is this the same boat
we used the other day?
Yes, I've chartered it, it's ours.
With the entire crew loaded on board,
and May's booze lorries,
I decided to give him a present
appropriate for someone who'd just
ruined the town's only sports venue.
It's a number plate
and it's magic, OK?
- JAMES: Is it?
- No, it is, it's magic.
To the ladies and gentlemen
at home, it's pixilated.
It's only visible
to the naked eye.
RICHARD: Ooh, that's
quite a strong message.
I mean, obviously you can't read it,
because as I say, it's magic.
We can see exactly
what it says and it
That's when it's stationary.
Does it still work if it moves?
Let's test how good it is
as magic.
(RICHARD CHUCKLES)
But the editor of the programme
says, "Please don't put it
on your car,"
cos he can't pixelate (LAUGHS)
Because we can't afford to
pixilate the rest of the film.
- Yes, OK. Understood.
- But you can put it on your office desk.
- Yes.
- Can we get this ramp up, and get
- Guys. Can we get the ramp up and go?
- Yes.
- OK, ramp up, please.
- (BELL RINGS)
JEREMY: As we'd be
out at sea for a while,
Richard broke out
his research books.
And here we are.
Olivier Levasseur, La Buse.
There's the cross.
There it actually is.
A picture of the cross
on his ship.
JEREMY:
Meanwhile, May and I sat down
for a look back
at what we'd achieved.
Have you gone fully Bear Grylls?
Is that your own urine?
No, no, no, no. It's Chablis.
(LAUGHS) Anyway
In less than a week,
we have managed to cover
a staggering 139 miles.
And our cars
Well, two of our cars
are still running.
Phenomenal achievement, really.
That isn't even a car, really.
That is a track-day toy.
- That's a racing car.
- It is.
And all I've done
is put some big tyres on it.
I'll tell you what driving
the Bentley's like off road.
It's just this sense
of immenseness.
It's like being at the birth
of a world in there.
There's a sense of
enormous power going on.
Of biblical happenings.
Whereas yours is just this little
insect hopping about. Or a goat.
No, I'll tell you
what mine is like.
What it's like
being in the Caterham.
It's like being invited to
the football World Cup final
and they've given you
a special seat
and it's inside the ball.
(LAUGHS WHEEZILY)
I'd rather be
at the birth of a world.
In control of
the birth of a world.
You are not in control, you're just
inside a football being kicked about.
Whereas I am in control.
Right, we're gonna have
a continent here
and we'll have
some tides on the moon.
You know, we'll get that going around,
it'll be fantastic.
And then we'll have
some tectonic plates.
That's not really what
happens at the birth of a world.
- Yes, it is.
- No, it isn't.
Somebody doesn't
sit there planning it.
But the fact is, your car,
it is disgusting, James.
I can see germs coming out of it.
When you drove through a lake of
human effluent, you were covered in it.
When I drove through
the human effluent,
my front window
went a bit brown momentarily
and then that was the end of that.
I was back to my
air-conditioned splendour.
- That's why mine's better.
- Your car's not better.
I've got a spotless shirt on.
- But that's not the objective.
- Yes, it is.
The objective
is not to be spotless,
it is to find treasure
in Madagascar.
- There isn't any treasure.
- You don't know that.
- I do know that. OK.
- How do you know that?
(CONVERSATION FADES)
I used to do this as a kid,
but that'd be my teacher on the plank.
Now there's someone even better.
Arr!
Arr. (CACKLES LIKE A PIRATE)
JEREMY: Soon Pirate Island
hoved into view
and we prepared to disembark.
Clarkson!
Where are my shoes?
JEREMY: Having reached land, James
and I experienced a strange sensation.
Holy mother of God, it's a road!
Nice, isn't it? It's like coming back
inside and standing on the carpet.
Along with the Tarmac,
there was also a mobile phone signal,
electricity and many shops.
That is an actual restaurant.
James and Richard
could go and dig a big hole
in the kitchen of
the restaurant, perhaps.
Put him out of business.
Why would you not do that?
Roger the Cabin Boy, meanwhile,
had found some transport.
(HORN TOOTING)
Yep, I've ended up in a tuk tuk
but it's no ordinary tuk tuk.
It's got a pirate on it.
- (THUDDING)
- Oh, yes.
It's a great ride as well.
As Hammond bought
stupid souvenirs
It's a bit more "Arr",
a bit more piratey.
I found a hotel
so May could get back
to code cracking.
And in the morning,
we set off with James still believing
the locals were
laughing at his car
not him.
(CHILDREN LAUGHING)
Now, I had a bit of a
breakthrough last night, viewers.
The cryptograph,
La Buse's cryptograph,
mentions a Turkish dog,
which doesn't actually mean
a dog from Turkey.
It means a dog with no hair.
And when I looked at
the map of the island,
I realised it looks like
a hairless dog.
And its ear is a beach.
A very distinct beach.
That's where we're going. That's
where I think the crucifix is buried.
I'm absolutely convinced of it.
JEREMY: Soon we arrived at
the completely deserted beach
which looked nothing
like a dog's ear,
and immediately my deluded
colleagues started to talk gibberish.
- So, is this it?
- Yeah, this is it.
- This is where it is?
- And it makes perfect sense, actually.
- If you're in a cartoon.
- No.
If you're fleeing from
the Royal Navy
and you unload the treasure and you
quickly bury it before they get to you.
The obvious place to bury it is
on the beach, cos it's easy to dig.
So we could right now
be standing on it?
- You could be.
- It could be under our feet.
But it could be over there.
This is quite a big crescent,
so I would suggest
we divide it up into three,
make sure we don't miss any of it.
- So, Hammond, you take that third.
- Gladly.
I'll go in the middle.
You go down the far end.
Right. Come on, lads. We've come
a long way to do this, let's get to work.
RICHARD: Since we were
looking for a 220-pound gold cross,
the best tool for the job
was clearly a metal detector.
I should check it works.
See if it can find
my Swiss hill climb knee.
- (BEEPING AND SQUEALING)
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Wooh.
Yep, it definitely works.
It is possible that when
I find it, it'll be grizzly,
because pirates used to,
when they buried their treasure,
bury a prisoner on top of it
so the ghost
would protect the treasure.
JAMES: Meanwhile,
and as you'd expect,
I was doing things properly.
It's gonna take a long time
to do this beach,
so I'm gonna assemble
four metal detectors
on this rudimentary trailer
that I've put together,
and then I can detect four times as much
beach in one pass and I can use the car.
JEREMY: Given that we'd be conducting
this fools' errand in the blazing heat,
I decided my time
would be better spent
building some kind of shelter.
(WHIRRING)
Excellent, excellent.
JAMES: By late morning,
my treasure-detecting solution system
was finally ready.
Let's do this in a systematic way.
The great thing about this,
of course,
is that my wheel tracks will show
me which bits I've already done.
It's a bit like ploughing a field.
Bugger.
JAMES: Having turned
my treasure-detecting trailer
into a treasure-detecting
sledge, I set off once more.
50 mill.
There's no tax on it, is there?
JEREMY: By mid-afternoon,
Roger and Seaman were
getting hot and bothered.
Just a beep. Come on, a beep.
But, luckily, my simple
shelter was now finished.
(TINKLING)
Couple of banana daiquiris
I've prepared for you.
RICHARD: What the hell is this?
I told you I was building
some shelter and I
- It's a bar.
- Oh, I'm sorry!
I'm sorry that
the bar-shaped shelter
doesn't meet with
your requirements.
Thank you for the banana daiquiri,
it's excellent.
Thank you.
But might you make a bit of effort
to help us achieve our objective?
Which is to find
the Fiery Cross of Goa,
a seven-foot high golden
crucifix studded with rubies.
Shall I tell you exactly
where that is?
Same as every other piece
of looted treasure.
It's in the bowels of the Vatican.
- No, it isn't.
- Hey, no, it isn't.
And, listen, it was real.
We know that.
The French government
offered La Buse
a pardon for his piracy
if he'd go back to France
and hand over
the fiery cross, and he
Wait a minute. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
The French government did what?
The French government said, "We'll
give you, La Buse, an amnesty as a pirate
if you'll bring specifically the
fiery cross back to France."
And he said, "No,"
and hid it. Fact.
These aren't things from
Hammond's books.
These are cross-referenced primary
source pieces of academic research.
We know it existed and the
evidence says it's on this beach.
No pirate treasure
You will agree with this.
No pirate treasure has ever been found,
buried pirate treasure.
No, that's because
it's still lost.
Tutankhamun hadn't been found
for thousands of years.
- And then it was.
- Exactly.
There's a chance, then,
if I go down there, I find this cross?
- There's a chance?
- Yes.
If I do a quick search, can I
come back to my shelter?
- Not too quick.
- You got to thorough search.
We've divided the beach up.
If I do a thorough search,
can I come back to my -Yes, yes.
Of course. If you do a
thorough search and we find it
We'll celebrate in your bar.
Fair enough. Your arguments
have been persuasive.
We'll meet you back in your bar.
Yes, in 20 minutes.
- Nn
- No, 20 minutes.
- It's a big job.
- I can cover that in 20 minutes.
So, whilst Hammond and May got
back to finishing off their sections,
I began on mine.
You do have to be a little bit careful
with this if you're doing this at home,
trying to find something
in your garden.
Right, this is the fuse wire.
Put one end in there, like that,
and I light the other end,
and then I have, I'm told,
three minutes to reach minimum
safe distance in the MFB,
before the explosions begin.
OK.
- (FUSE FIZZING)
- Lovely.
That is not three minutes! Shit.
Shit. Shit!
Begin!
Ah, I've turned it off!
Ah! Traction control.
- No, no, no!
- (EXPLOSIONS)
Oh, Jesus!
(WIND WHISTLING)
On the plus side, my work
had been extremely thorough.
On the minus side, however
Find anything?
Not a thing. You?
Nothing. He's only got
that little bit to do.
So there's nothing there.
What about there?
And that's annoying because,
and I'm not making this up,
I have just had this email
- JAMES: Ohh.
- (JEREMY CHUCKLES)
- That's cruel.
- (DETECTOR WHINING)
- RICHARD: Ah, chaps.
- What?
(DETECTOR WHINING)
Chaps, there's
It's Listen, it's there!
Shovel! Shovel!
- (RICHARD GASPS)
- There's something there.
There.
JEREMY: Jesus. What's that?
What is it?
(HEAVENLY MUSIC)
I think it's the Holy Grail.
JAMES: Oh, cock.
And on that terrible disappointment,
it is time to end.
No more memories
from your childhood?
- No, I got nothing.
- OK, that is it.
Thank you so much for watching.
Take care. See you soon.