The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (2017) s04e02 Episode Script
Billy Jones and the Orgy Lamps
1
- There it is.
- Every last piece.
- The couch.
- Your dining room chairs.
- The TV.
- Your orgy lamps.
Orgy lamps? These are not orgy lamps.
Well, what are those people on them doing? They're Well, she's a teacher, and these are her nubile pupils, and - This is dirty.
- Yeah.
Like, what is she teaching them? French? Well, they're pretty, and I still like them.
What are you thinking, Antonio? It's gonna take us a while to unload everything, Mrs.
Maisel.
Great.
I've got a few errands to run.
Take over, Imogene? Will do.
All right, guys, get to work! Sorry.
I get bossy.
Sorry.
Be safe, guys.
Careful with the orgy lamps.
Oil's tough, but I'll see what I can do, Mrs.
Marshall.
You're the best, Herman.
Have a good day.
Herman.
- Mrs.
Maisel.
- How's things? How's Marilyn? Just celebrated our 30-year anniversary.
Mazel tov.
I'm back in the neighborhood, and there's mountains of cleaning heading your way.
I'll turn 'em around for you nice and quick.
- And my tab's still good? - Uh, of course.
- What was it, 15 bucks? - Something like that.
But I thought you'd give me a higher limit on that tab.
- A higher limit? - Like, say, 30 bucks? See, I haven't washed a thing since I left you.
There's so much business coming your way, a higher tab would be convenient for you and me.
Know what I mean? I think I can make that work.
You're a doll.
Gonna give one of these to everyone I know.
- Marketing, Herman.
- Thanks, Mrs.
Maisel.
And 63 cents is your change.
Thank you.
Come again.
- Eli.
- Mrs.
Maisel.
You still have the best buns in town? I like to think.
You back in the neighborhood? As of today.
And ready to restart that tab of mine.
Sure.
What was it, uh, ten? Back in the day.
But I'm thinking double that now.
- Double? - Or triple.
You should see how my kids eat.
Well, you should know, what with six.
So a higher tab's a real convenience.
For you and for me.
- I guess.
- You know Herman the dry cleaner? Practically begged me to raise my tab.
He was a little pushy.
- I'll see what I can do.
- You're a doll.
If I don't come home with a couple of these, those damn kids'll eat me.
Put 'em on my tab? - You got it.
- Gonna give one of these to everyone I know.
Marketing, Eli! Thanks, Mrs.
Maisel.
Johann.
New uniform, huh? You should have heard the dry cleaner and the baker practically begging me to raise my tab.
- Grown men, begging.
- That's something.
Not for nothing, but a higher tab benefits you more than me.
I'll have to check with the office.
Tell them about Herman and Eli? Here's their cards if your boss wants to chat.
- Sure thing, Mrs.
Maisel.
- You're a doll, Johann.
- Randy.
- Hey, Mrs.
Maisel.
Who's got the best melons around? - I do.
- I'm insulted.
Listen, I'm back in the neighborhood, - and I want to talk about my tab.
- Your tab? You ever see a milkman beg, Walter? No, I'm serious.
He was begging me to raise my tab.
Kept talking about how it benefits him more than me.
- Ha! - Not there.
Somewhere else.
But it's kitchen stuff.
- I'm organizing, Antonio.
This is my process.
- Walter, I'm a woman.
- I don't have a mind for business.
- Leave me to my process.
Ask the milkman.
Be nicer, Imogene.
We like Antonio.
Sorry.
It's my Nordic grandmother.
- I inherited her chilly rage.
- Yes, but what with him and the baker and the grocer and the dry cleaner all raising my tab like that, it just makes sense to let you in on the deal.
I mean, I'd hate to switch pharmacies.
Twenty-five is great.
And I'm gonna tell everyone you are the best drug dealer in the neighborhood.
Uh, you know what I mean.
Marketing, Walter.
Bye.
Oh, the bastard put up a fight.
- What are you doing? - Solving my cash flow problem.
Last week, I dealt with Moishe.
Had to get him to agree to delay the loan payment on this place.
Brought Esther.
- Uh-oh.
- Held her in my lap, barefoot, a little dirty, holding her one-armed doll.
- You didn't.
- I talked about her needing new shoes.
I couldn't tear up, but then Esther cried right on cue.
I may have given her a pinch.
- Shameless.
- But it worked.
And now if I can just hold off paying the milk bill, the laundry bill, the grocery bill, the butcher bill, the bakery bill and the pharmacy bill for just a few months, I can possibly catch up.
Hello, old friend.
Your place of honor awaits.
Oh, this shelf is complete.
Oh, come with me.
I need an opinion.
What do you think? Is this cubist or ? No, seriously.
What do you think? Seriously, it's insane.
At first glance, yes.
But hear me out.
Ouch.
- Midge.
- Okay.
Old place, new life.
Right? - Sure.
- New vistas.
Interior vistas.
- Okay.
- Now, clearly, the living room couch has to go where it goes.
Can't make a change there.
- It was built for that room.
- Yep.
And the TV has to go across from the couch.
- Et cetera, et cetera.
- I agree.
The kitchen's the kitchen.
Can't do anything with the foyer.
Where can I create something new in my apartment? Something splashy.
Something that's just me.
Bedroom.
Ow! Maybe you shouldn't - Give me a second.
- move.
Who says it has to be arranged exactly the way Joel and I had it even though it made sense.
Joel and I made sense, and we all know how that ended up.
I want to walk into this bedroom and feel like this is my bedroom.
I don't want to feel like this is where Joel and I kind of often you know.
- I know.
- Plus, he dumped me here.
He stood right there.
I stood here.
Now it's all different, because where he stood when he dumped me is now where the dresser is, and where I stood when he dumped me is where part of the bed is, which is a great comfort to me.
So what do you think? I think you should put it back the way it was because this is clinically insane.
Imogene, I was hurt here.
I know, twice.
Shin, toe.
- By Joel.
- I know.
But put it all back exactly the way it was.
Nice and pretty.
And the new thing? Now when you're here, you're alone.
And you get both closets.
No.
I'm gonna live with this for a while and see how it feels.
Shit-fuck.
How'd that feel? I've got to go call the butcher.
Okay.
Oh! Don't get your knickers in a twist, Jerry.
- Village Voice.
Hello.
- My sources are good.
- Sanitation's going out.
- Garbagemen - are not going on strike.
- Says who? Me.
I just said it.
Sudden astigmatism, Jerry? - I stand corrected.
I'm a piece of shit.
- When are they gonna - empty the garbage here? - And that relates how? - It's still about sanitation.
- Kev is right.
Bernie threw half an avocado out last week, and it's still sitting there.
Abe Weissman! There you are.
I'm sorry, am I late? I-I was told - the meeting started at 10:00.
- You are not late.
Three of us slept here last night, two of us not because their wives - kicked them out.
- She didn't kick me out.
She just wouldn't let me in.
And when we woke up, the meeting informally commenced.
Everyone, this is the notorious Abe Weissman, the Terror of Broadway.
And now our Terror.
- Good morning.
- Hi, Abe.
- How you doing, Abe? - Good to see you.
You know your arts editor, Terrence.
Bernie's news.
Jerry's city desk.
Leonard's opinion, and he occasionally has one.
Our photographer, Kal-El, from the planet Krypton.
I made the mistake of showing them my collection of Superman comics.
It's Gilbert.
Jules is our doodler, and Kev What are you again? - Fuck you.
- Our resident poet.
And that is the masthead in the flesh.
Sit, sit.
Is this smoke bothering you, Abe? Oh.
Oh, no.
- No, I smoke a pipe, myself.
- Yeah, what you're smoking isn't exactly what I'm smoking.
Dig the duds, Weissman.
Boss Tweed.
- Stop it, Jer.
Dress any way you like.
Hell, - Mailer once showed up in his underwear.
- I'm sorry, why'd he stab his wife again? She seemed nice.
Plimpton says it's because she told Norman he's not as good as Dostoyevsky.
I had a long conversation with his wife at a book party once.
- She may have had it coming.
- Some of us have places to go.
All right, let's resume.
Check your sources at the union.
If it's real, we will run it.
- Will do.
- Abe, I hate to do this, but I've got three things for you to review next week.
- Three? - I I know it's a lot.
No.
Actually, the Voice has averaged three and a quarter theater reviews since issue one, so it's par for the course.
And how did you come to that figure? I read the back issues.
At the library on 42nd.
Took me a couple of weeks.
Seriously? You read every back issue? All but November 13 of '57.
Someone must have stolen that one.
I would love to plug that hole one day.
I feel like I just showed you my Superman comics.
No, no, no, no, we applaud your thoroughness, Mr.
Weissman.
While questioning your mental fitness.
Carol, dig out November 13, 1957 issue for Abe.
Let's plug that hole now.
I heard from the ad department.
They wanted you to know that last week's front page made their lives a living hell.
Mission accomplished.
What else? Can we talk about how much I hate the ad department? - Miriam? We're here.
- We didn't knock.
There was debate, but that's where we landed.
Hello, you two.
Remarkable.
Like we traveled back in time.
Such a strange feeling.
Like something out of that show of yours, Abe, - The Twilight Zone.
- Oh, yeah.
This last one of theirs was a real beaut.
- How about a tour? - Please.
There was this advertising exec.
Overworked, harried.
Clearly a stand-in for Rod Serling.
Gorgeous.
And that view.
I got my river back.
He had this boss always yelling at him.
"Push, push, push, Williams.
" - Dining room.
- "Push, push, push!" Then he falls asleep on the train ride home.
All your dishes.
And a piano.
And he wakes up in an idyllic town - called Willoughby.
- Shall we continue? - Mm-hmm.
- And in a different century.
There's horse-drawn buggies and a brass band, and I'm talking to myself.
Oh, I've always loved those chairs.
- Me, too.
- So perfect for the room.
- Mm.
- This way, please.
- On to the master.
- Have we done the kitchen? - Girls! - Huh.
- I needed something different.
- Are you back there? It's still technically a bedroom.
- Answer me, please! - Let me show you the guest room.
- Made a change there, too.
- Oh, fun.
Hey, wait.
Have we done the bedroom? You're going too fast.
What do you think? These are our things.
- I know.
- What are they doing here? These are our things.
- I know.
- What are they doing here? This is why I invited you over.
- To make you an offer.
- What offer? I thought it might be wonderful for you two to move in here with me.
And the kids.
And, of course, Zelda.
The whole Weissman clan together again in the original building, just a couple of floors down from where you were.
What do you think? - Absolutely not.
- Yes.
- What? - What? - Put some thought into this, Rose.
- Think about it, Abe.
- Oh, fine, but you, too.
- What's there to think about? Papa, do not have one of your knee-jerk reactions to this.
This is not a knee-jerk reaction.
I heard your offer, and I instantly knew it was stupid.
Papa, please.
This would put you back in your beloved neighborhood with your newsstand, your Zabar's, your synagogue, the little place that you get that afternoon jelly doughnut at that you don't tell Mama about.
- Jelly doughnuts? - All of that is perfectly accessible on the subway.
Tell me you're happy living in Queens.
Go on, tell me.
Well, look whose hobby is being snobby.
- I like this idea.
- You like ? She has us in the guest room.
- So? - So, when you have guests, they'll sleep on top of us? If they're feeling frisky.
And I suppose we get the vomit bathroom.
- Which one is that? - The one I watched Ethan throw up in two years ago voluminously.
It's been cleaned.
But take the one by my bedroom.
It's identical.
The overloaded Esther diaper poopy bathroom.
Good grief.
We'll share.
The-the bathrooms will be communal so we can all be revolted together.
Oh, you're a sneaky one.
You're a sneaky one! - Papa.
- Abe.
You thought you could just bring us over here and play some music and get us drunk, woo us with flowers and a nice dinner and a cheap piano? That's probably not even in tune.
Actually, it's perfectly in tune and has a nice, warm tone, but the rest of my point is valid.
I just want to take care of you two.
Pay you back for the whole "having me and raising me" thing.
You never should have bought this place back, Miriam.
I mean, what man is going to want a woman - who owns her own apartment? - He does have a point there.
- It does make you less feminine.
- Sorry.
Let me just hike up my shorts and get in a good man scratch.
- Now, what was that again? - If we're going to eat, then let's eat.
"Man scratch.
" - Hi, Grandpa.
- Your mother thinks we're schnorrers.
- Hi, Grandma.
- Your grandfather's being stubborn.
- Hi, Mommy.
- Go back to bed, Ethan.
Papa, living with Moishe and Shirley has been a nightmare for you.
They're nudists, for God's sake.
- You get used to it.
- Think about it.
This apartment, this neighborhood.
It's like your Willoughby, right? From that program.
Inviting, peaceful, idyllic, home.
Willoughby was the name of the funeral home the "push, push, push" guy ended up in.
He was dead at the end, Miriam.
He jumped off the train.
You would know that if you listened! You know, this Twilight Zone sounds stupid.
Excuse me? - Miriam.
- Either everyone's dead and they don't know it, or they think they're dead but they're actually alive, or they're from outer space and they don't know it, or they think they're dead but they're from outer space - and they don't know it.
- Wrong.
Some people live in alternate realities.
Okay, stop.
Just stop! Both of you.
Now, Abe, you listen to me.
We can't live with Moishe and Shirley anymore.
We're losing what sanity we have left.
- Hmm.
- And no matter what you say, you want to be back in this building.
I know you do, and I do, too.
- Thank you.
- But we can't have the neighbors think we're charity cases, - Miriam.
We need to agree on a cover story.
- A cover story? We can't tell people our daughter's supporting us.
It would be humiliating.
And it wasn't humiliating to move in with Moishe and Shirley? No, because we had a cover story.
- Love to hear it.
- We told people we were moving out of our old apartment due to Abe leaving Columbia and that the fabulous apartment we rented to replace it fell through, and we were in litigation with the seedy landlord to get our deposit check back.
Mr.
Crink.
- Who? - The seedy landlord.
You don't listen.
You gave the fake seedy landlord a name? And we didn't want to lease another place until the lawsuit was settled, so we temporarily moved in with Moishe and Shirley.
We have a court case next week.
- For what? - Are you not listening? To get the deposit back from Mr.
Crink.
- Mr.
Crink is not real.
- Now, the logical cover story for moving in here is that Abe and I bought the place back for you.
- What? - That works for me.
So I did all of this for you, and you want to tell the whole world that you did it for me? That's not right.
- I didn't realize this was a contest.
- It's not.
I thought this was just an altruistic thing you were doing for us.
- It is.
- Then we're agreed.
- On what? - That you're moving in here with us.
Right, Abe? - It's done.
- Good.
I'm getting a drink.
Thanks for blowing the doughnut thing, by the way.
She's in a severely fragile state, so speak softly and no sudden movements.
- Right.
- Common rules.
No passing of contraband, meaning drugs of any kind, - weapons, or anything that can be weaponized.
- Okay.
- Hold it, Lucille! - That includes pens, pencils, tools large or small, shoelaces, twine, nail files, bottle openers, et cetera.
- Got it.
- Address only the patient you are here to see.
Do not open windows.
Do not close doors.
- Are you following? - Uh, yeah.
Yeah, I'm following.
Over the weeks, we've curated a list of specific things that set her off and are not to be mentioned.
Most seem to be the names of past paramours.
They include the following: "Vincent Price, Edgar G.
Robinson, Jan from Jan and Dean, Dean from Jan and Dean, Howlin' Wolf, Salvador DalÃ, Cubby O'Brien " - From The Mickey Mouse Club? - "Fess Parker, Igor Stravinsky, Adlai Stevenson " I'll leave the list.
It's not short.
Finally, don't mention the city of Cleveland or use the word "moist.
" That last one I get.
Straight ahead.
Sophie? Mercy.
Susie, you're here.
And of your own volition.
Oh, that makes it special.
You called me a dozen times.
I did? Oh, everything's so cloudy.
And the clouds.
They're all shaped like fruit.
There's a banana.
There's a kumquat.
Sit, sit.
Mm.
So How did you end up here? Oh, Susie, I've been through such hell.
After Miss Julie, I just spiraled downward.
Darkness enveloped me like an old mink coat.
I needed help.
So I met with my lawyer, my press agent, my business manager and my investment broker, and we all decided that I should have a nervous breakdown.
Did you? Oh, here's my dear Helen.
Hello, Helen.
- Hello, Sophie.
- Just meeting with my manager.
How's Leslie? Still on the ventilator.
Somebody opened her window.
Well, that's against the rules.
- They're looking into it.
- Mm.
Ta, now.
See you at shuffleboard.
Holy fuck! You get used to it.
Look at us.
Mm.
A couple of birdies in the cuckoo's nest.
So, Sophie, I'm visiting, yes, - but there's another reason I'm here.
- Dawes? - Yes, ma'am.
- I believe it's time for my pills.
Your timing is impeccable, ma'am, as always.
It is.
Look, Sophie, you seem like you're doing well, and I'm happy about that.
Would you like one of the yellow ones? I don't like the yellow ones.
We have a piece of business we need to do.
Uh, it's something for you to sign.
Mm, you want my autograph? Kind of.
It's just a document that says we're no longer in any kind of business together.
A lawyer looked it over and everything.
Um, it's kind of a formality since, you know, we're never gonna have anything to do with each other ever again.
But you're my manager.
I'm not your manager.
You got me on Broadway.
My manager did that.
- I'm not your manager.
- So many adventures before us.
Me and my manager.
I am not your manager.
- You are.
- I'm not.
Read this.
Well? It's a dissolution of your partnership, ma'am.
Is this really what you want? Yes.
Fine.
It's time for my soapy bath.
Lucille! Hold it, Lucille! Ow! Miriam.
Knock, please.
It's a bathroom.
My bathroom.
You said the bathrooms were communal.
Is that no longer the case? Yes, but why are you working in my the - our bathroom? - Miriam, I have no study, and I need a writing space.
And it needs to be cozy because I'm creative when I'm cozy.
But your our other bathroom is the same size.
But too close to the room where your mother is trying to sleep.
This would wake her up, and that would be rude.
Yes, you wouldn't want to be rude.
You have no red pens.
Anything else? Door! Mama.
You're up.
And reorganizing my kitchen.
Everything was jammed onto freakishly low shelves because your vertically challenged friend organized it that way.
I thought the layout worked.
For Tom Thumb, yes, or the Lollipop Guild, - but not for normal-sized people.
- Got it.
- Isobel? - Imogene.
Papa! Mama's up! all kinds of new toys to play with.
Monkey Sticks! Ask for 'em by name.
Monkey Sticks! Only 98 cents.
Monkey Sticks What do you want for breakfast, Ethan? Cereal.
You're consistent.
I like that about you.
Welcome back, everyone.
If you're here in New York, you can get along with a legion of champion divers, gorgeous mermaids and aqua-maniacs Mama? - Did you bring the milk in? - I did not! - Lots of fun for the whole family.
- Shit.
You know a great way to beat the heat and the traffic this holiday weekend, no matter where you live? - Miriam.
- Oh! Jesus Christ! Sneaking up on me, huh? We just went for a walk.
Ah.
This.
I was afraid it would spoil if it was out here much longer, so I was just gonna pop it in my fridge till you got back.
I was gonna do that for everybody on the floor.
I'm like the Milk Fairy.
But you're back.
So no need to do that.
Here you go.
- Enjoy your milk.
- Nice to see you.
Oh, and so nice your parents bought your place back for you.
Anson Farms.
Gus speaking.
Hi, Gus.
This is Miriam Maisel at 385 Riverside.
Something happened with our milk delivery this morning.
Yes.
Maisel, 385 Riverside.
- I was gonna call you about your account.
- What about it? Says here you have no credit history with us.
But that's not right.
We had an account with you for five years.
But it's your husband who had the account.
Uh, Joel Maisel.
That's who we had the account with.
Right.
And I'm Mrs.
Joel Maisel.
His wife at the time.
Well, he paid the tab, so it was his credit.
It was our credit.
And you're basically starting from scratch, so we need some cash up front.
- Sorry.
- I can't pour "sorry" on cereal.
Gus, just deliver me some goddam milk.
- Miriam.
- Ma'am, it's company policy.
There's nothing I can do about it.
Well, that's very nice.
Gus.
Do you want to know something, Gus? Your milk is really not that delicious.
- I'm sorry to hear that.
- Kind of tastes like cow piss.
- Miriam.
- And your butter has a chemical stink.
- Ma'am.
- You just have some inferior cows, Gus.
Ma'am, I - Just one ex-customer's opinion, Gus.
Ma'am, there's no But think of the picture you'll get in your home.
Even on a difficult reception It's toast or a banana, kid.
Pick.
No! I don't want toast! picture tubes.
As low as $139.
95.
See them at your RCA Victor dealer's.
Welcome back, everyone.
- Some big news just crossed the wires.
- One.
It's a fucking man's world, sweetie.
- Okay.
- International singing sensation and proud son of Harlem Shy Baldwin is getting married.
So many brokenhearted ladies out there.
Shy surprised his longtime girlfriend, Monica Johnson, by inviting her onstage in Paris, getting down on one knee, and popping the question in front of 3,000 rabid fans.
Très romantique.
The nuptials are said to be happening here in New York City when Shy gets a break from his European tour dates.
We'll let you know when we get more details.
In the meantime, congratulations to the happy couple.
Guess it's a good thing she said yes with 3,000 fans and witnesses.
As if anyone would turn down Shy Baldwin.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Hello? - Hey, sis.
- Good news.
- Good news? - What, the check? - They're cutting it today.
That's business talk.
When they write checks, they don't say they're writing them.
They say they're cutting them.
You're a fucking miracle worker.
Thank you.
And, hey, I have a new job.
Wow.
Where? Here.
At the insurance office.
Hi, Marcie.
- Hi.
- What insurance office? Our insurance office, dope.
Tess, how is it you're working at our insurance office? - Mr.
B hired me.
- To do what? To be a secretary person.
- Impossible.
- Look, I did what you said.
I slept with Mr.
B, and he was like, "Okay, the check's yours.
You'll have it Friday.
Let's do it again.
" Okay, for the record, I did not tell you to sleep with him.
I thought you did.
I said "flirt.
" I didn't say "sleep.
" Anyway, now we're seeing each other, so he was like, "You want a job?" And I said, "Yeah, as long as I don't have to work that hard.
" And he said, "No problem.
" I just need to do stuff to him in the bathroom during lunch sometimes, but I'm good with that.
I'm sorry, let me get this straight.
You are working at the insurance office that we defrauded and occasionally doing stuff to the insurance agent who's now technically in on the fraud? That's what happens sometimes when you sleep with guys.
I did not tell you to sleep with the guy! Don't yell.
Come on, you started the whole thing when you stole your client's money.
I didn't steal it.
I borrowed it.
But if you borrow it without telling someone, isn't that stealing? Are you at the office now where people can hear you? Yeah.
What's shaking, Kyle? Then shut the fuck up! What a hothead.
I got to go.
Say hello to your husband.
Oh, sure.
He's thrilled I got a job.
Just get me that check pronto.
Hello? It's me.
Miriam? You sound weird.
They wouldn't increase my milk tab.
- Your what? - My milk tab.
They'd increase it for Joel but not for me because the original credit wasn't under my name.
So now to get milk, I have to pay money, and I don't know why I'm taking it so badly, but I am.
I'm sorry, they let you get milk without paying for it? How the fuck did I not know about this? I don't know.
Susie, yesterday, I was feeling on top of the world, and right now I'm feeling like nothing is gonna work out.
I was fucking insane to take this apartment, and my mother's turning my kitchen upside down, and my father's in the bathroom, topless, using my lipstick.
- Wait, what? - Why did I buy this apartment? Correction.
I didn't buy it.
My parents bought it, which makes me the schnorrer, and I don't even get credit.
Any kind of credit.
And I pinched my daughter.
I should be up on charges.
You want me to come over? Oh, and you know L.
Roy Dunham slammed me in his column again? - Yeah, I saw it.
- He was raving about some comic at the Copa and said the guy's act was unlike the unfunny meanderings of no one's favorite Mrs.
Maisel.
He writes about me even when he's not writing about me.
Actually, he said, "The deeply unfunny meanderings of no one's favorite Mrs.
Maisel.
" - You memorized it? - No, I have the paper.
Look, the guy's a dickhead.
Just forget about him.
Wait till he hears I can't afford milk for my kids.
They'll be short and arthritic, and Imogene will come and arrange their kitchens for them and the Lollipop Guild, and Ethan's gonna get made fun of every day of his life because I couldn't get him milk for his cereal.
That's what's happening.
That is my life.
Why are you grunting? I put my bed in a different place, but, of course, it doesn't work there.
It's got to go back where it was when Joel, who's got this phenomenal credit history with the milk company, lived here, which wasn't the point.
And I I really burned a bridge with Gus.
"Cow piss.
" I'm a monster.
You know what's gonna happen, don't you? - What? - I'm either gonna wind up married to Joel again, although I don't know how his girlfriend's gonna feel about that, or I better start trolling hospitals for a nice doctor right now, because this is not good.
I got some milk here.
I can bring it.
It's only a week old.
No, thank you.
Because I should get off the phone and go force-feed my son some dry toast.
Miriam.
Thanks, Sal.
Thought your wife didn't want you eating those things.
Called them heart attacks on a stick.
- I'm between wives.
- That's too bad.
What's that make it now? Four? Five? - Let's see, the first one was Susan.
- Sandra.
Thought the last one was Sandra.
I married two Sandras.
You're making it difficult.
The first Sandra was a dope fiend.
Then Dotty.
She left you for Hal Roach.
Then you went international with the flamenco dancer, Conchita what's-her-name.
She also left you for Hal Roach.
Then the second Sandra with the bouncing bazoombas.
Now, was there one between Dotty and Conchita? Look, Susie, if-if you want to walk with me, walk with me, all right? Don't fucking stalk me.
Okay.
So, talk to me.
Why are you here? It's Sophie.
Oh.
Color me shocked.
Man, she's snapped or something, Harry.
Worse than ever.
We're talking full-on Frances Farmer.
She at that nut farm of hers? Yeah, I went to see her up there.
Tried to get her to sign a release form.
Something legal.
She won't do it.
Oh.
Just-just run out the clock.
She's flamed out.
It's over for her.
Boy.
Cold.
Hey, it's a cold biz, baby.
I should've listened to you, Harry.
You were right.
I'm always right.
Don't you know that by now? In your own fucked-up way, you tried to warn me off getting into business with her.
Yeah.
Well, you got to go through what you got to go through.
Oh, here's my bench.
You like my bench? - How is this your bench? - Read the plaque.
"Harry Drake, how sweet it is.
" A gift from Gleason.
And look at this view.
It's beautiful, isn't it? I can see two of the three penthouses I lost to wives from here.
What? You got her on Broadway.
But it was a disaster.
The Hindenburg times six.
But if Sophie was a little less crazy and if you had just gotten her past opening night, - you'd be a fucking legend.
- Wasn't meant to be.
And then I'd be stalking you in the park.
I got ten Broadway investors - threatening to sue me.
- Oh, piss in a pot.
What week am I not being sued? Look, this is the most goddamn litigious business in the most goddamn litigious city in the most goddamn litigious country in the world.
It's America.
- So, how's your girl doing? - Well, that's my other problem.
I don't know what the hell to do with her.
Oh, yeah, the Shy Baldwin thing.
That's rough, kid.
That-That's rough.
Well, now she's got this idea of how she wants to go forward, this whole master plan I can't make heads or tails of.
- We're stuck.
- Well, then dump her.
- What? - Dump her.
Move on.
Find someone new.
Not gonna dump her, Harry.
Still believe in her.
More than ever.
She's got something.
I know it.
She's just so fucking headstrong.
But if you're not gonna dump her, then get her ass back out on stage now.
But she's being so picky.
She likes basket houses.
Oh, no booze, no money.
- You don't have to tell me.
- Don't listen to her, Susie.
Look, comedians are crazy.
Every last fucking one of them.
They make idiotic decisions.
They miss the forest for the trees.
So, she's pouted.
She's vented.
You listened.
Now go get her back out on stage.
Yeah.
You're right.
- And start diversifying.
- Huh? Get yourself some more clients.
Listen, I-I got to go.
You know, I leave the office for five minutes, a dozen fires break out.
Hey, thanks, Harry.
Really.
Thanks.
And those Broadway guys? I'm gonna make some calls.
The suing will stop.
- Really? - People are talking about you, Susie.
- Nothing good.
- Hey, it doesn't matter what they're saying as long as they're saying it.
The San Remo.
Twelve rooms, seven bathrooms, maids' quarters.
That's the one that hurt.
- I'll see you.
- See you.
Coming! - Let's go.
- What? Right now.
Let's go.
We're going out.
- Out where? - Don't think.
Don't talk.
Just walk.
Uh Okay, fine.
I'll be right back.
Wrong way.
Where you going? - To grab a hat.
- No, don't, - 'cause it won't be just a hat.
- Yes, it will.
Do not change your wardrobe.
It's fine! - Just a hat! - It's never just a hat! - Come on.
- I didn't know this is where you were taking me.
Where'd you think, Howard Johnson's for some fucking clams? I could go for some clams.
- Get out.
- I like clams.
- I will force you out.
- You're being so bossy.
Get out and get in there.
- Under protest.
- Noted.
Thank God you changed your outfit.
Really.
Yeah, think about guys' names on the Yankees, huh? Wouldn't it be something if Whitey Ford drove a Chevy? Or if Mickey Mantle had nowhere to put awards? Do you think Jim Coates gets cold in the wintertime? Bobby, hey! - Yeah? - I brought my girl.
- You make a cute couple.
- For a set.
- Sorry, slots are gone.
- So? - So? - Bump someone.
- Why? - Are you serious? I had a girl comic here last week.
- Not this girl comic.
- Let's just go.
Bobby, you know she kills.
Even with an ass full of Shy Baldwin shrapnel? - Fuck you.
- Oh, okay, now I'll give her a slot.
- Really? - No.
But tell you what, I'll be a sport.
You can still come in if you want.
I'll even waive the cover.
Just drink.
this new pitcher the Yankees just got - Okay, that pisses me off.
- Pisses me off.
- You want a drink? - I need a drink.
- Me, too.
- but one hell of an arm.
Hey, any of you hear about this big new book by Harper Lee? Beer.
Martini.
Olives.
Guess what her favorite drink is.
Tequila Mockingbird.
Turns out we did go out for clams.
Okay, enough of me.
Time to introduce this very funny man all the way from Crown Heights.
He even showered before coming over.
Here he is, the big guy, Noah Birnbaum.
Noah Birnbaum? - Noah Birnbaum.
- I'm sorry, Bobby wouldn't bump Noah Birnbaum for me? Have I fallen that far? No, Bobby's just being a fucking little bunghole sissy-prick.
You are what you eat.
- Such a hack.
- Such a hack.
Hello, everybody.
How you doing? How does he choose which generic salutation to pull out of his sack of hack? - Hack.
- Hack.
- Everyone got your drinks, yeah? - Yeah! You know, a gentile's favorite wine is cabernet.
- Am I right? - Oh, I know where this is going.
A Jew's favorite whine is, - "It's too cold in here.
" - "It's too cold in here.
" Hack.
Hack.
I was walking by a church with my friend Sid.
There was a sign that said, "50 bucks if you become a Catholic.
" Sid's like, "I need some cash.
I'm going in.
" Fifteen minutes later, he comes back out, and I say to him, "Sid, Sid, did you get the 50 bucks?" He looks at me, shakes his head and says "You Jews.
All you ever think about is money.
" Ha ha ha, I'm Jewish.
- Shh! - That was loud.
- Like I care a fuck.
Another.
- Okay.
Moving on.
Kid comes home from school, tells his mom he got a part in the school play.
- She says, "What role did you get?" - Behind my back.
The kid says, "Jewish husband.
" The mother says "You go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking role.
" Nice.
- You think this is funny? - Huh.
Sounds like we got a mockingbird in the audience.
What the fuck are you doing? Oh, we're having a little fun, Bobby-Boy.
- Well, don't.
- Wasn't a fair fight.
Stewie, one more word, and you throw them out.
Killjoy.
I feel bad for Moses having to lead a bunch of Jews through the desert.
What a headache.
No wonder God gave him two tablets.
Ma? Pop? It's me! Joely! Oh, look at you and your lazy man's load.
Pop wanted five years of returns.
And your system of two separate books makes it bulkier than I thought.
Put those down.
Put those down.
You'll stay and have something to eat.
- Nah, I should bolt.
- That's not a question.
That's an order.
You're too skinny.
Uh, okay.
Maybe a little something.
Smells good.
Oh, yes.
I made all of your favorites.
Oh, I totally forgot.
Joely, this is Lena Brofmann from up the street.
She's a teacher at P.
S.
144.
- Say hi.
- Hi, Lena.
- Hi, Joel.
- Sweetie, what do you teach again? Music.
Harmony and composition.
And I'm a classical flautist.
- I was going to say.
- Hey, Ma Joel owns a music club, so the two of you have a lot in common.
Isn't that wonderful? Come on, both of you.
Sit, sit.
Lena.
A little more? Yeah, a little more.
Joely, sit down.
The two of you talk, get to know each other.
Dinner's almost out of the oven.
- Ow.
- You okay? Just someone saying, "Hi, let me out.
" Would you excuse me for a second? Sure.
- Ma.
- Pretty, right? - You're out of your mind.
I'm not staying.
- Oh, you're staying.
Why isn't there a back door in this place? Two minutes ago, you could stay.
What changed? - Lena Brofmann.
- What? She's a pretty girl, a talented musician.
- I wonder if she brought her flout.
- She's pregnant.
- Just a little.
- That kid is almost walking.
- Mm, needs salt.
- I am not gonna date a pregnant woman.
Oh, God, no, there is no time to date.
I'll tell her I'm sick.
- And that you're nuts.
- Joel, you're a divorced man with two young children.
You own a nightclub in Chinatown, which is impossible to explain.
You can hardly afford to be choosy.
- Ma - You need companionship.
Someone to be with.
A good woman makes a good man.
Where do you think your father would be without me? Watch it.
Now, you give me one good reason why you cannot go out there and have a nice meal with that girl.
So - How do you like teaching? - I love it.
Because I love kids.
All right, everybody give it up for a very funny man: me.
But give a little something to my buddy Frankie Borden, too.
Nice job, Frankie.
Frankie Borden should be drawn, quartered, raped by a zebra.
Frankie Borden, we hit bottom.
I've got a very funny man coming up next.
Goes by the name of Billy Jones.
Thank you.
I did not birth him, but I'll take it.
- Billy Jones? - Holy shit.
They've hit the bottom of the bottom.
Billy Jones.
But before he comes on, let me fill you in on some upcoming shows.
There he is.
Oh, he even stands like a hack.
First off, one night only.
We've got a real treat for you.
- Big Dave is headlining - Even Billy's walking out on his act.
Ugh, his terrible act.
- I hear it in my nightmares.
- Catch him before he sneaks out to L.
A.
and out on his tab.
I'll be right back.
- Wait, where are you going? - Back with us at 9:00 every night this week, our house favorite, Jess Clayton, returns from his latest round on the Vegas circuit.
If you like an international contingent, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, headlining our 7:30 and 9:00 p.
m.
shows What's with the grin? Well, Billy Jones stepped outside to smoke.
Now, I figure we got a good ten minutes before he figures the fuck out how to walk around the building - and come back in.
- What? I locked him out.
You are a little stinker.
- Yeah.
- So, here he comes.
He just got back from a world tour if you call the world Scranton.
Everybody's favorite except for that wife of his, Billy Jones! Where are you, Billy? Why you grinning? Billy Jones! - Thank you, thank you.
- Come on, Billy! Yeah, Billy! - Is this Billy? - Whew! - Where's Billy? - Rough week.
Women, huh? You can't live with 'em, you can't Well, that pretty much sums it up.
You can't live with 'em.
Huh? My wife.
Oh, brother.
She saw a psychic who told her that in a past life, she was Mary, Queen of Scots.
I said, "Well, hope you had a good time, honey, 'cause in this life, you're Mary, Clean My Socks.
" - My wife is - What the hell? She says she wants a job.
- Can you believe that? - You think this is funny? I says to her, "Sweetie, you got two jobs already that you never show up for: hand and blow.
" I dedicate that one to my man Bobby.
Cut her mic! Cut the spotlight - and get her off the stage.
- I got to go.
Hey, why is it that my wife always wants to talk to me during the ball game? - Oh, shit.
- It's like, honey, if I wanted you to ruin something enjoyable, I'd take you to the bedroom.
Come on! You didn't bump Birnbaum.
You didn't bump Borden.
- What the fuck is wrong with you? - Get up and do your act, Billy.
- She just did it! - But better.
And in heels! Banned for life.
- The both of you.
- Let go.
You were funny once, you know that? What happened? What's the matter, Bob? You like these crap jokes when Billy does them.
This is a business of entertainment.
You get that? Our customers don't come here to watch you make fun of it.
They come to have a good time.
- Well, that's all I was doing, Bobby.
- Hey.
Just trying to show people a good time.
Hey.
Hey, buddy.
Save your two bucks.
For a buck 50, I'll give you a good time right here! Hey! Come on.
Who here wants a good time? - Huh? - Whoa, whoa, what are you doing - west of 3rd Avenue, honey? - Oh! What? - Come on.
- Hey, wait! Wait! - She's a comedian! - Yeah, she's hysterical.
Hey, wait.
Ow! Fucking here we fucking go again.
- Was that a good scream? - That was a good scream.
- Very good.
- An exhilarating read.
I had to look up a couple of words here or there.
I was top of my class at Princeton, Abe.
- I usually know words.
- I can change them.
Let our readers dust off their dictionaries.
It'll be good for them.
I red-penciled a couple of tiny things.
No need to stay.
Great.
I'm happy.
Well, this will make you even happier.
And save us a stamp.
- What is it? - Your first paycheck.
My first paycheck.
Wonderful.
You want the stamp? I'll let you have the stamp.
No, I'll skip the stamp.
Thank you, Gabe.
Thank you, Abe.
Everything we say to men goes through some cockeyed man filter that we don't have.
We say "no," they hear "yes.
" We say "stop," they hear "go.
" We say, "You want to have a good time?" they hear, "You want to have a good time?" Same thing, I know, but they took it out of fucking context.
Language, I know.
With me, it's always about language.
Tonight, I said something, and I got busted.
But, you see, it's not about what you say.
It's about where you happen to be - when you say what you happen to say.
- Right on.
And who happens to be around when you say what you happen to say where you happen to be.
- You know what I'm saying? - Cocaine? Huh? What you're in for.
Solicitation.
In that dress? Actually, what I'm in for is daring to say certain words within earshot of one Officer fucking Krupke.
Language, I know.
Need a light? Huh? Thanks, sweetie.
That girl need to take, like, a week's sleep or something.
This your first time? In jail? God, no.
- You? - Yeah.
You'll get the hang of it.
I didn't mean Never mind.
So, where was I? Oh, yeah, did we talk about Bobby yet? Just Billy Jones.
- And Noah Birnbaum.
- Oh, then I saved the best for last.
- Miriam Maisel! - Mm.
- You made bail.
- Just give me a second to finish up here.
Bobby.
I mean, that can't be his fucking hair.
I know it's above and beyond.
It's way the fuck above and beyond.
You're getting it back.
Or we're walking into an ambush.
It's not an ambush.
She's a sweet, youthful girl, and she didn't want to call her parents.
I mean, it's one thing burning through cash bailing you out, but bailing out a hooker I don't even know? - I'm not a hooker.
- Right, you're Miss Turnstile 1959.
Oh, I'm glad you said "right.
" Make a right on 6th.
I believe her.
She's not wearing underwear.
- Sometimes you got to let things breathe.
- Hey, are we going in circles? Just two blocks more, 46th.
I actually had a better time in jail than at that hacky club.
Better lighting, too.
Bobby is a dick.
That club is dead to us.
That's my point, Susie.
I don't want to play the game.
- I'm too old.
- You're not even 30.
I feel ancient.
I just want to stick to the Gaslight or the other clubs in the Village.
Places I can talk.
Be me.
Sure.
Stick to the Village, stick to the basket houses, but try making a living.
Moneymaking clubs make their money off alcohol.
I know.
I ran the Gaslight.
Without alcohol, there's no money.
I'll play three shows a night.
Four.
Five.
Nothing times five is still nothing.
Without alcohol, there's no money.
For either one of us.
- Yeah.
- Hey, we passed it.
Oy fucking vey.
I always take the subway.
When you get off the A train, it's two blocks up and one over.
Does that help? Hey, Mikey.
I'll be two shakes of a lamb's tail.
Hey, Bunny.
I got arrested! Good for you.
Coffee.
You want some coffee? - I need some goddamn coffee.
- I'm okay.
Does anybody have a 20? Twenty? What am I, fucking Rockefeller? Honey, we're all broke.
I'm two dollars short, but I've got it all besides that.
I should've warned you about the coffee.
How would you put it into words? Let me borrow your lipstick.
That color looks better on me anyway.
- You new? - Hey, yeah! Let's have a round of applause for Lana LaRue! A nice, patriotic young girl.
I can see that a bunch of you guys are still saluting.
- Hey, yeah! - Keep the change, sweetie.
- And keep them coming.
- Hey, nice suit.
Must be a naked cadaver in a morgue somewhere.
Speaking of cadavers, you've heard of rigor mortis? I'd kill to be young, but I didn't know I'd have to die to stay stiff.
So, this is my last night here at the Wolford.
Don't everyone congratulate me at once.
Happy retirement! I'm too in demand to retire, buddy.
I got a better gig.
You'll miss me when I'm gone Oh, you're gonna miss me so much Eh, your loss.
So, old Cliff wanted me to stay.
Said he had a plan to bring in more cash.
A family-friendly night.
Bring the kiddies.
It's a two-milk minimum.
Hey, it's not a bad idea.
We already got the udders.
So, I'm looking forward to my next gig.
Crowd's a little more sophisticated.
Little more mature.
We got to tell my parents about us.
I put it off as long as I can.
Does the name Lena Brofmann mean anything to you? - Hey.
- Whoa, stop.
How the hell did you get in? I don't know, complete lack of security? - What's this? - The money you lent me to reimburse the money I was holding for Midge - that I kind of misplaced.
- Gambled away.
What about that guy at the insurance company? - He still coming after you? - Oh, my sister's blowing him in the office bathroom every day at lunch, so we're good.
So, that's it.
We are squared away.
Hmm? I am back to square one.
Less than that after posting bail for Miriam and that hooker.
Every sentence you speak is worse than the last one.
Wait.
Don't you ever and I mean ever do something shifty with my wife's money again.
- Ex-wife.
- Don't.
Can I help you? I'd like to see the man in charge.
Mama? Everything's on the too high shelf.
I'm not a giraffe.
I need my kitchen the way it should be.
Carry on.
Where was this murder committed? San Francisco last night.
Who was murdered? I was.
Papa? Miriam.
Hello.
- How was your night? - Fine.
I got arrested for prostitution.
Ah, that's nice.
Everything okay? Oh, sure.
Everything's fine.
Although I do have a very serious thing I'd like to discuss with you.
Sit.
Sit, sit.
Miriam.
That is not your first glass.
I think it's wrong that a man should be supported by his daughter.
It's against the laws of father-daughter-daughter-dom.
- Okay.
- I got my first paycheck from the Voice today, and I'm giving it to you the whole thing to cover some household expenses.
- Take it.
Take it.
- Papa, really, I - This is a full week? - Yes.
What will it cover? Honestly? I insist on full honesty.
An egg? Eggs are good.
So, one egg? Maybe two.
One short of an omelet.
It could also cover a certain quantity of salt.
Half a carrot.
You're sure this is a full week? That is my weekly paycheck, Miriam.
Did they tell you it was gonna be this small an amount? I think so.
I was just so excited when they hired me, I may not have been listening.
I should've taken that stamp.
- That what? - Nothing.
Join me.
You know what the irony is about this whole thing? - Mm.
- The job.
It's great.
I mean it's really great.
I like these people.
They're different.
Smart but looser.
And it's the funniest thing.
Yeah? They seem to like me.
Everyone likes you.
No one at Columbia liked me.
Oh, look at this.
Wow.
It's you! Frame that.
No.
I can't afford framing.
It'll buy more than enough.
I was joking.
But what can the government buy with the 96 cents of taxes they withheld, huh? Let's see.
A fighter jet? Nah.
They're, like, a buck something.
- Some staples.
- But not the stapler.
That's gonna take a while longer.
Okay, Papa, I know this is a shock, but look at it this way.
You are doing something that you love.
Yeah.
The both of us.
Pursuing our art.
Although one of us pursuing banking - would've been smart.
- Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Are you sure you can handle all this? To art.
To art.
- Every last piece.
- The couch.
- Your dining room chairs.
- The TV.
- Your orgy lamps.
Orgy lamps? These are not orgy lamps.
Well, what are those people on them doing? They're Well, she's a teacher, and these are her nubile pupils, and - This is dirty.
- Yeah.
Like, what is she teaching them? French? Well, they're pretty, and I still like them.
What are you thinking, Antonio? It's gonna take us a while to unload everything, Mrs.
Maisel.
Great.
I've got a few errands to run.
Take over, Imogene? Will do.
All right, guys, get to work! Sorry.
I get bossy.
Sorry.
Be safe, guys.
Careful with the orgy lamps.
Oil's tough, but I'll see what I can do, Mrs.
Marshall.
You're the best, Herman.
Have a good day.
Herman.
- Mrs.
Maisel.
- How's things? How's Marilyn? Just celebrated our 30-year anniversary.
Mazel tov.
I'm back in the neighborhood, and there's mountains of cleaning heading your way.
I'll turn 'em around for you nice and quick.
- And my tab's still good? - Uh, of course.
- What was it, 15 bucks? - Something like that.
But I thought you'd give me a higher limit on that tab.
- A higher limit? - Like, say, 30 bucks? See, I haven't washed a thing since I left you.
There's so much business coming your way, a higher tab would be convenient for you and me.
Know what I mean? I think I can make that work.
You're a doll.
Gonna give one of these to everyone I know.
- Marketing, Herman.
- Thanks, Mrs.
Maisel.
And 63 cents is your change.
Thank you.
Come again.
- Eli.
- Mrs.
Maisel.
You still have the best buns in town? I like to think.
You back in the neighborhood? As of today.
And ready to restart that tab of mine.
Sure.
What was it, uh, ten? Back in the day.
But I'm thinking double that now.
- Double? - Or triple.
You should see how my kids eat.
Well, you should know, what with six.
So a higher tab's a real convenience.
For you and for me.
- I guess.
- You know Herman the dry cleaner? Practically begged me to raise my tab.
He was a little pushy.
- I'll see what I can do.
- You're a doll.
If I don't come home with a couple of these, those damn kids'll eat me.
Put 'em on my tab? - You got it.
- Gonna give one of these to everyone I know.
Marketing, Eli! Thanks, Mrs.
Maisel.
Johann.
New uniform, huh? You should have heard the dry cleaner and the baker practically begging me to raise my tab.
- Grown men, begging.
- That's something.
Not for nothing, but a higher tab benefits you more than me.
I'll have to check with the office.
Tell them about Herman and Eli? Here's their cards if your boss wants to chat.
- Sure thing, Mrs.
Maisel.
- You're a doll, Johann.
- Randy.
- Hey, Mrs.
Maisel.
Who's got the best melons around? - I do.
- I'm insulted.
Listen, I'm back in the neighborhood, - and I want to talk about my tab.
- Your tab? You ever see a milkman beg, Walter? No, I'm serious.
He was begging me to raise my tab.
Kept talking about how it benefits him more than me.
- Ha! - Not there.
Somewhere else.
But it's kitchen stuff.
- I'm organizing, Antonio.
This is my process.
- Walter, I'm a woman.
- I don't have a mind for business.
- Leave me to my process.
Ask the milkman.
Be nicer, Imogene.
We like Antonio.
Sorry.
It's my Nordic grandmother.
- I inherited her chilly rage.
- Yes, but what with him and the baker and the grocer and the dry cleaner all raising my tab like that, it just makes sense to let you in on the deal.
I mean, I'd hate to switch pharmacies.
Twenty-five is great.
And I'm gonna tell everyone you are the best drug dealer in the neighborhood.
Uh, you know what I mean.
Marketing, Walter.
Bye.
Oh, the bastard put up a fight.
- What are you doing? - Solving my cash flow problem.
Last week, I dealt with Moishe.
Had to get him to agree to delay the loan payment on this place.
Brought Esther.
- Uh-oh.
- Held her in my lap, barefoot, a little dirty, holding her one-armed doll.
- You didn't.
- I talked about her needing new shoes.
I couldn't tear up, but then Esther cried right on cue.
I may have given her a pinch.
- Shameless.
- But it worked.
And now if I can just hold off paying the milk bill, the laundry bill, the grocery bill, the butcher bill, the bakery bill and the pharmacy bill for just a few months, I can possibly catch up.
Hello, old friend.
Your place of honor awaits.
Oh, this shelf is complete.
Oh, come with me.
I need an opinion.
What do you think? Is this cubist or ? No, seriously.
What do you think? Seriously, it's insane.
At first glance, yes.
But hear me out.
Ouch.
- Midge.
- Okay.
Old place, new life.
Right? - Sure.
- New vistas.
Interior vistas.
- Okay.
- Now, clearly, the living room couch has to go where it goes.
Can't make a change there.
- It was built for that room.
- Yep.
And the TV has to go across from the couch.
- Et cetera, et cetera.
- I agree.
The kitchen's the kitchen.
Can't do anything with the foyer.
Where can I create something new in my apartment? Something splashy.
Something that's just me.
Bedroom.
Ow! Maybe you shouldn't - Give me a second.
- move.
Who says it has to be arranged exactly the way Joel and I had it even though it made sense.
Joel and I made sense, and we all know how that ended up.
I want to walk into this bedroom and feel like this is my bedroom.
I don't want to feel like this is where Joel and I kind of often you know.
- I know.
- Plus, he dumped me here.
He stood right there.
I stood here.
Now it's all different, because where he stood when he dumped me is now where the dresser is, and where I stood when he dumped me is where part of the bed is, which is a great comfort to me.
So what do you think? I think you should put it back the way it was because this is clinically insane.
Imogene, I was hurt here.
I know, twice.
Shin, toe.
- By Joel.
- I know.
But put it all back exactly the way it was.
Nice and pretty.
And the new thing? Now when you're here, you're alone.
And you get both closets.
No.
I'm gonna live with this for a while and see how it feels.
Shit-fuck.
How'd that feel? I've got to go call the butcher.
Okay.
Oh! Don't get your knickers in a twist, Jerry.
- Village Voice.
Hello.
- My sources are good.
- Sanitation's going out.
- Garbagemen - are not going on strike.
- Says who? Me.
I just said it.
Sudden astigmatism, Jerry? - I stand corrected.
I'm a piece of shit.
- When are they gonna - empty the garbage here? - And that relates how? - It's still about sanitation.
- Kev is right.
Bernie threw half an avocado out last week, and it's still sitting there.
Abe Weissman! There you are.
I'm sorry, am I late? I-I was told - the meeting started at 10:00.
- You are not late.
Three of us slept here last night, two of us not because their wives - kicked them out.
- She didn't kick me out.
She just wouldn't let me in.
And when we woke up, the meeting informally commenced.
Everyone, this is the notorious Abe Weissman, the Terror of Broadway.
And now our Terror.
- Good morning.
- Hi, Abe.
- How you doing, Abe? - Good to see you.
You know your arts editor, Terrence.
Bernie's news.
Jerry's city desk.
Leonard's opinion, and he occasionally has one.
Our photographer, Kal-El, from the planet Krypton.
I made the mistake of showing them my collection of Superman comics.
It's Gilbert.
Jules is our doodler, and Kev What are you again? - Fuck you.
- Our resident poet.
And that is the masthead in the flesh.
Sit, sit.
Is this smoke bothering you, Abe? Oh.
Oh, no.
- No, I smoke a pipe, myself.
- Yeah, what you're smoking isn't exactly what I'm smoking.
Dig the duds, Weissman.
Boss Tweed.
- Stop it, Jer.
Dress any way you like.
Hell, - Mailer once showed up in his underwear.
- I'm sorry, why'd he stab his wife again? She seemed nice.
Plimpton says it's because she told Norman he's not as good as Dostoyevsky.
I had a long conversation with his wife at a book party once.
- She may have had it coming.
- Some of us have places to go.
All right, let's resume.
Check your sources at the union.
If it's real, we will run it.
- Will do.
- Abe, I hate to do this, but I've got three things for you to review next week.
- Three? - I I know it's a lot.
No.
Actually, the Voice has averaged three and a quarter theater reviews since issue one, so it's par for the course.
And how did you come to that figure? I read the back issues.
At the library on 42nd.
Took me a couple of weeks.
Seriously? You read every back issue? All but November 13 of '57.
Someone must have stolen that one.
I would love to plug that hole one day.
I feel like I just showed you my Superman comics.
No, no, no, no, we applaud your thoroughness, Mr.
Weissman.
While questioning your mental fitness.
Carol, dig out November 13, 1957 issue for Abe.
Let's plug that hole now.
I heard from the ad department.
They wanted you to know that last week's front page made their lives a living hell.
Mission accomplished.
What else? Can we talk about how much I hate the ad department? - Miriam? We're here.
- We didn't knock.
There was debate, but that's where we landed.
Hello, you two.
Remarkable.
Like we traveled back in time.
Such a strange feeling.
Like something out of that show of yours, Abe, - The Twilight Zone.
- Oh, yeah.
This last one of theirs was a real beaut.
- How about a tour? - Please.
There was this advertising exec.
Overworked, harried.
Clearly a stand-in for Rod Serling.
Gorgeous.
And that view.
I got my river back.
He had this boss always yelling at him.
"Push, push, push, Williams.
" - Dining room.
- "Push, push, push!" Then he falls asleep on the train ride home.
All your dishes.
And a piano.
And he wakes up in an idyllic town - called Willoughby.
- Shall we continue? - Mm-hmm.
- And in a different century.
There's horse-drawn buggies and a brass band, and I'm talking to myself.
Oh, I've always loved those chairs.
- Me, too.
- So perfect for the room.
- Mm.
- This way, please.
- On to the master.
- Have we done the kitchen? - Girls! - Huh.
- I needed something different.
- Are you back there? It's still technically a bedroom.
- Answer me, please! - Let me show you the guest room.
- Made a change there, too.
- Oh, fun.
Hey, wait.
Have we done the bedroom? You're going too fast.
What do you think? These are our things.
- I know.
- What are they doing here? These are our things.
- I know.
- What are they doing here? This is why I invited you over.
- To make you an offer.
- What offer? I thought it might be wonderful for you two to move in here with me.
And the kids.
And, of course, Zelda.
The whole Weissman clan together again in the original building, just a couple of floors down from where you were.
What do you think? - Absolutely not.
- Yes.
- What? - What? - Put some thought into this, Rose.
- Think about it, Abe.
- Oh, fine, but you, too.
- What's there to think about? Papa, do not have one of your knee-jerk reactions to this.
This is not a knee-jerk reaction.
I heard your offer, and I instantly knew it was stupid.
Papa, please.
This would put you back in your beloved neighborhood with your newsstand, your Zabar's, your synagogue, the little place that you get that afternoon jelly doughnut at that you don't tell Mama about.
- Jelly doughnuts? - All of that is perfectly accessible on the subway.
Tell me you're happy living in Queens.
Go on, tell me.
Well, look whose hobby is being snobby.
- I like this idea.
- You like ? She has us in the guest room.
- So? - So, when you have guests, they'll sleep on top of us? If they're feeling frisky.
And I suppose we get the vomit bathroom.
- Which one is that? - The one I watched Ethan throw up in two years ago voluminously.
It's been cleaned.
But take the one by my bedroom.
It's identical.
The overloaded Esther diaper poopy bathroom.
Good grief.
We'll share.
The-the bathrooms will be communal so we can all be revolted together.
Oh, you're a sneaky one.
You're a sneaky one! - Papa.
- Abe.
You thought you could just bring us over here and play some music and get us drunk, woo us with flowers and a nice dinner and a cheap piano? That's probably not even in tune.
Actually, it's perfectly in tune and has a nice, warm tone, but the rest of my point is valid.
I just want to take care of you two.
Pay you back for the whole "having me and raising me" thing.
You never should have bought this place back, Miriam.
I mean, what man is going to want a woman - who owns her own apartment? - He does have a point there.
- It does make you less feminine.
- Sorry.
Let me just hike up my shorts and get in a good man scratch.
- Now, what was that again? - If we're going to eat, then let's eat.
"Man scratch.
" - Hi, Grandpa.
- Your mother thinks we're schnorrers.
- Hi, Grandma.
- Your grandfather's being stubborn.
- Hi, Mommy.
- Go back to bed, Ethan.
Papa, living with Moishe and Shirley has been a nightmare for you.
They're nudists, for God's sake.
- You get used to it.
- Think about it.
This apartment, this neighborhood.
It's like your Willoughby, right? From that program.
Inviting, peaceful, idyllic, home.
Willoughby was the name of the funeral home the "push, push, push" guy ended up in.
He was dead at the end, Miriam.
He jumped off the train.
You would know that if you listened! You know, this Twilight Zone sounds stupid.
Excuse me? - Miriam.
- Either everyone's dead and they don't know it, or they think they're dead but they're actually alive, or they're from outer space and they don't know it, or they think they're dead but they're from outer space - and they don't know it.
- Wrong.
Some people live in alternate realities.
Okay, stop.
Just stop! Both of you.
Now, Abe, you listen to me.
We can't live with Moishe and Shirley anymore.
We're losing what sanity we have left.
- Hmm.
- And no matter what you say, you want to be back in this building.
I know you do, and I do, too.
- Thank you.
- But we can't have the neighbors think we're charity cases, - Miriam.
We need to agree on a cover story.
- A cover story? We can't tell people our daughter's supporting us.
It would be humiliating.
And it wasn't humiliating to move in with Moishe and Shirley? No, because we had a cover story.
- Love to hear it.
- We told people we were moving out of our old apartment due to Abe leaving Columbia and that the fabulous apartment we rented to replace it fell through, and we were in litigation with the seedy landlord to get our deposit check back.
Mr.
Crink.
- Who? - The seedy landlord.
You don't listen.
You gave the fake seedy landlord a name? And we didn't want to lease another place until the lawsuit was settled, so we temporarily moved in with Moishe and Shirley.
We have a court case next week.
- For what? - Are you not listening? To get the deposit back from Mr.
Crink.
- Mr.
Crink is not real.
- Now, the logical cover story for moving in here is that Abe and I bought the place back for you.
- What? - That works for me.
So I did all of this for you, and you want to tell the whole world that you did it for me? That's not right.
- I didn't realize this was a contest.
- It's not.
I thought this was just an altruistic thing you were doing for us.
- It is.
- Then we're agreed.
- On what? - That you're moving in here with us.
Right, Abe? - It's done.
- Good.
I'm getting a drink.
Thanks for blowing the doughnut thing, by the way.
She's in a severely fragile state, so speak softly and no sudden movements.
- Right.
- Common rules.
No passing of contraband, meaning drugs of any kind, - weapons, or anything that can be weaponized.
- Okay.
- Hold it, Lucille! - That includes pens, pencils, tools large or small, shoelaces, twine, nail files, bottle openers, et cetera.
- Got it.
- Address only the patient you are here to see.
Do not open windows.
Do not close doors.
- Are you following? - Uh, yeah.
Yeah, I'm following.
Over the weeks, we've curated a list of specific things that set her off and are not to be mentioned.
Most seem to be the names of past paramours.
They include the following: "Vincent Price, Edgar G.
Robinson, Jan from Jan and Dean, Dean from Jan and Dean, Howlin' Wolf, Salvador DalÃ, Cubby O'Brien " - From The Mickey Mouse Club? - "Fess Parker, Igor Stravinsky, Adlai Stevenson " I'll leave the list.
It's not short.
Finally, don't mention the city of Cleveland or use the word "moist.
" That last one I get.
Straight ahead.
Sophie? Mercy.
Susie, you're here.
And of your own volition.
Oh, that makes it special.
You called me a dozen times.
I did? Oh, everything's so cloudy.
And the clouds.
They're all shaped like fruit.
There's a banana.
There's a kumquat.
Sit, sit.
Mm.
So How did you end up here? Oh, Susie, I've been through such hell.
After Miss Julie, I just spiraled downward.
Darkness enveloped me like an old mink coat.
I needed help.
So I met with my lawyer, my press agent, my business manager and my investment broker, and we all decided that I should have a nervous breakdown.
Did you? Oh, here's my dear Helen.
Hello, Helen.
- Hello, Sophie.
- Just meeting with my manager.
How's Leslie? Still on the ventilator.
Somebody opened her window.
Well, that's against the rules.
- They're looking into it.
- Mm.
Ta, now.
See you at shuffleboard.
Holy fuck! You get used to it.
Look at us.
Mm.
A couple of birdies in the cuckoo's nest.
So, Sophie, I'm visiting, yes, - but there's another reason I'm here.
- Dawes? - Yes, ma'am.
- I believe it's time for my pills.
Your timing is impeccable, ma'am, as always.
It is.
Look, Sophie, you seem like you're doing well, and I'm happy about that.
Would you like one of the yellow ones? I don't like the yellow ones.
We have a piece of business we need to do.
Uh, it's something for you to sign.
Mm, you want my autograph? Kind of.
It's just a document that says we're no longer in any kind of business together.
A lawyer looked it over and everything.
Um, it's kind of a formality since, you know, we're never gonna have anything to do with each other ever again.
But you're my manager.
I'm not your manager.
You got me on Broadway.
My manager did that.
- I'm not your manager.
- So many adventures before us.
Me and my manager.
I am not your manager.
- You are.
- I'm not.
Read this.
Well? It's a dissolution of your partnership, ma'am.
Is this really what you want? Yes.
Fine.
It's time for my soapy bath.
Lucille! Hold it, Lucille! Ow! Miriam.
Knock, please.
It's a bathroom.
My bathroom.
You said the bathrooms were communal.
Is that no longer the case? Yes, but why are you working in my the - our bathroom? - Miriam, I have no study, and I need a writing space.
And it needs to be cozy because I'm creative when I'm cozy.
But your our other bathroom is the same size.
But too close to the room where your mother is trying to sleep.
This would wake her up, and that would be rude.
Yes, you wouldn't want to be rude.
You have no red pens.
Anything else? Door! Mama.
You're up.
And reorganizing my kitchen.
Everything was jammed onto freakishly low shelves because your vertically challenged friend organized it that way.
I thought the layout worked.
For Tom Thumb, yes, or the Lollipop Guild, - but not for normal-sized people.
- Got it.
- Isobel? - Imogene.
Papa! Mama's up! all kinds of new toys to play with.
Monkey Sticks! Ask for 'em by name.
Monkey Sticks! Only 98 cents.
Monkey Sticks What do you want for breakfast, Ethan? Cereal.
You're consistent.
I like that about you.
Welcome back, everyone.
If you're here in New York, you can get along with a legion of champion divers, gorgeous mermaids and aqua-maniacs Mama? - Did you bring the milk in? - I did not! - Lots of fun for the whole family.
- Shit.
You know a great way to beat the heat and the traffic this holiday weekend, no matter where you live? - Miriam.
- Oh! Jesus Christ! Sneaking up on me, huh? We just went for a walk.
Ah.
This.
I was afraid it would spoil if it was out here much longer, so I was just gonna pop it in my fridge till you got back.
I was gonna do that for everybody on the floor.
I'm like the Milk Fairy.
But you're back.
So no need to do that.
Here you go.
- Enjoy your milk.
- Nice to see you.
Oh, and so nice your parents bought your place back for you.
Anson Farms.
Gus speaking.
Hi, Gus.
This is Miriam Maisel at 385 Riverside.
Something happened with our milk delivery this morning.
Yes.
Maisel, 385 Riverside.
- I was gonna call you about your account.
- What about it? Says here you have no credit history with us.
But that's not right.
We had an account with you for five years.
But it's your husband who had the account.
Uh, Joel Maisel.
That's who we had the account with.
Right.
And I'm Mrs.
Joel Maisel.
His wife at the time.
Well, he paid the tab, so it was his credit.
It was our credit.
And you're basically starting from scratch, so we need some cash up front.
- Sorry.
- I can't pour "sorry" on cereal.
Gus, just deliver me some goddam milk.
- Miriam.
- Ma'am, it's company policy.
There's nothing I can do about it.
Well, that's very nice.
Gus.
Do you want to know something, Gus? Your milk is really not that delicious.
- I'm sorry to hear that.
- Kind of tastes like cow piss.
- Miriam.
- And your butter has a chemical stink.
- Ma'am.
- You just have some inferior cows, Gus.
Ma'am, I - Just one ex-customer's opinion, Gus.
Ma'am, there's no But think of the picture you'll get in your home.
Even on a difficult reception It's toast or a banana, kid.
Pick.
No! I don't want toast! picture tubes.
As low as $139.
95.
See them at your RCA Victor dealer's.
Welcome back, everyone.
- Some big news just crossed the wires.
- One.
It's a fucking man's world, sweetie.
- Okay.
- International singing sensation and proud son of Harlem Shy Baldwin is getting married.
So many brokenhearted ladies out there.
Shy surprised his longtime girlfriend, Monica Johnson, by inviting her onstage in Paris, getting down on one knee, and popping the question in front of 3,000 rabid fans.
Très romantique.
The nuptials are said to be happening here in New York City when Shy gets a break from his European tour dates.
We'll let you know when we get more details.
In the meantime, congratulations to the happy couple.
Guess it's a good thing she said yes with 3,000 fans and witnesses.
As if anyone would turn down Shy Baldwin.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Hello? - Hey, sis.
- Good news.
- Good news? - What, the check? - They're cutting it today.
That's business talk.
When they write checks, they don't say they're writing them.
They say they're cutting them.
You're a fucking miracle worker.
Thank you.
And, hey, I have a new job.
Wow.
Where? Here.
At the insurance office.
Hi, Marcie.
- Hi.
- What insurance office? Our insurance office, dope.
Tess, how is it you're working at our insurance office? - Mr.
B hired me.
- To do what? To be a secretary person.
- Impossible.
- Look, I did what you said.
I slept with Mr.
B, and he was like, "Okay, the check's yours.
You'll have it Friday.
Let's do it again.
" Okay, for the record, I did not tell you to sleep with him.
I thought you did.
I said "flirt.
" I didn't say "sleep.
" Anyway, now we're seeing each other, so he was like, "You want a job?" And I said, "Yeah, as long as I don't have to work that hard.
" And he said, "No problem.
" I just need to do stuff to him in the bathroom during lunch sometimes, but I'm good with that.
I'm sorry, let me get this straight.
You are working at the insurance office that we defrauded and occasionally doing stuff to the insurance agent who's now technically in on the fraud? That's what happens sometimes when you sleep with guys.
I did not tell you to sleep with the guy! Don't yell.
Come on, you started the whole thing when you stole your client's money.
I didn't steal it.
I borrowed it.
But if you borrow it without telling someone, isn't that stealing? Are you at the office now where people can hear you? Yeah.
What's shaking, Kyle? Then shut the fuck up! What a hothead.
I got to go.
Say hello to your husband.
Oh, sure.
He's thrilled I got a job.
Just get me that check pronto.
Hello? It's me.
Miriam? You sound weird.
They wouldn't increase my milk tab.
- Your what? - My milk tab.
They'd increase it for Joel but not for me because the original credit wasn't under my name.
So now to get milk, I have to pay money, and I don't know why I'm taking it so badly, but I am.
I'm sorry, they let you get milk without paying for it? How the fuck did I not know about this? I don't know.
Susie, yesterday, I was feeling on top of the world, and right now I'm feeling like nothing is gonna work out.
I was fucking insane to take this apartment, and my mother's turning my kitchen upside down, and my father's in the bathroom, topless, using my lipstick.
- Wait, what? - Why did I buy this apartment? Correction.
I didn't buy it.
My parents bought it, which makes me the schnorrer, and I don't even get credit.
Any kind of credit.
And I pinched my daughter.
I should be up on charges.
You want me to come over? Oh, and you know L.
Roy Dunham slammed me in his column again? - Yeah, I saw it.
- He was raving about some comic at the Copa and said the guy's act was unlike the unfunny meanderings of no one's favorite Mrs.
Maisel.
He writes about me even when he's not writing about me.
Actually, he said, "The deeply unfunny meanderings of no one's favorite Mrs.
Maisel.
" - You memorized it? - No, I have the paper.
Look, the guy's a dickhead.
Just forget about him.
Wait till he hears I can't afford milk for my kids.
They'll be short and arthritic, and Imogene will come and arrange their kitchens for them and the Lollipop Guild, and Ethan's gonna get made fun of every day of his life because I couldn't get him milk for his cereal.
That's what's happening.
That is my life.
Why are you grunting? I put my bed in a different place, but, of course, it doesn't work there.
It's got to go back where it was when Joel, who's got this phenomenal credit history with the milk company, lived here, which wasn't the point.
And I I really burned a bridge with Gus.
"Cow piss.
" I'm a monster.
You know what's gonna happen, don't you? - What? - I'm either gonna wind up married to Joel again, although I don't know how his girlfriend's gonna feel about that, or I better start trolling hospitals for a nice doctor right now, because this is not good.
I got some milk here.
I can bring it.
It's only a week old.
No, thank you.
Because I should get off the phone and go force-feed my son some dry toast.
Miriam.
Thanks, Sal.
Thought your wife didn't want you eating those things.
Called them heart attacks on a stick.
- I'm between wives.
- That's too bad.
What's that make it now? Four? Five? - Let's see, the first one was Susan.
- Sandra.
Thought the last one was Sandra.
I married two Sandras.
You're making it difficult.
The first Sandra was a dope fiend.
Then Dotty.
She left you for Hal Roach.
Then you went international with the flamenco dancer, Conchita what's-her-name.
She also left you for Hal Roach.
Then the second Sandra with the bouncing bazoombas.
Now, was there one between Dotty and Conchita? Look, Susie, if-if you want to walk with me, walk with me, all right? Don't fucking stalk me.
Okay.
So, talk to me.
Why are you here? It's Sophie.
Oh.
Color me shocked.
Man, she's snapped or something, Harry.
Worse than ever.
We're talking full-on Frances Farmer.
She at that nut farm of hers? Yeah, I went to see her up there.
Tried to get her to sign a release form.
Something legal.
She won't do it.
Oh.
Just-just run out the clock.
She's flamed out.
It's over for her.
Boy.
Cold.
Hey, it's a cold biz, baby.
I should've listened to you, Harry.
You were right.
I'm always right.
Don't you know that by now? In your own fucked-up way, you tried to warn me off getting into business with her.
Yeah.
Well, you got to go through what you got to go through.
Oh, here's my bench.
You like my bench? - How is this your bench? - Read the plaque.
"Harry Drake, how sweet it is.
" A gift from Gleason.
And look at this view.
It's beautiful, isn't it? I can see two of the three penthouses I lost to wives from here.
What? You got her on Broadway.
But it was a disaster.
The Hindenburg times six.
But if Sophie was a little less crazy and if you had just gotten her past opening night, - you'd be a fucking legend.
- Wasn't meant to be.
And then I'd be stalking you in the park.
I got ten Broadway investors - threatening to sue me.
- Oh, piss in a pot.
What week am I not being sued? Look, this is the most goddamn litigious business in the most goddamn litigious city in the most goddamn litigious country in the world.
It's America.
- So, how's your girl doing? - Well, that's my other problem.
I don't know what the hell to do with her.
Oh, yeah, the Shy Baldwin thing.
That's rough, kid.
That-That's rough.
Well, now she's got this idea of how she wants to go forward, this whole master plan I can't make heads or tails of.
- We're stuck.
- Well, then dump her.
- What? - Dump her.
Move on.
Find someone new.
Not gonna dump her, Harry.
Still believe in her.
More than ever.
She's got something.
I know it.
She's just so fucking headstrong.
But if you're not gonna dump her, then get her ass back out on stage now.
But she's being so picky.
She likes basket houses.
Oh, no booze, no money.
- You don't have to tell me.
- Don't listen to her, Susie.
Look, comedians are crazy.
Every last fucking one of them.
They make idiotic decisions.
They miss the forest for the trees.
So, she's pouted.
She's vented.
You listened.
Now go get her back out on stage.
Yeah.
You're right.
- And start diversifying.
- Huh? Get yourself some more clients.
Listen, I-I got to go.
You know, I leave the office for five minutes, a dozen fires break out.
Hey, thanks, Harry.
Really.
Thanks.
And those Broadway guys? I'm gonna make some calls.
The suing will stop.
- Really? - People are talking about you, Susie.
- Nothing good.
- Hey, it doesn't matter what they're saying as long as they're saying it.
The San Remo.
Twelve rooms, seven bathrooms, maids' quarters.
That's the one that hurt.
- I'll see you.
- See you.
Coming! - Let's go.
- What? Right now.
Let's go.
We're going out.
- Out where? - Don't think.
Don't talk.
Just walk.
Uh Okay, fine.
I'll be right back.
Wrong way.
Where you going? - To grab a hat.
- No, don't, - 'cause it won't be just a hat.
- Yes, it will.
Do not change your wardrobe.
It's fine! - Just a hat! - It's never just a hat! - Come on.
- I didn't know this is where you were taking me.
Where'd you think, Howard Johnson's for some fucking clams? I could go for some clams.
- Get out.
- I like clams.
- I will force you out.
- You're being so bossy.
Get out and get in there.
- Under protest.
- Noted.
Thank God you changed your outfit.
Really.
Yeah, think about guys' names on the Yankees, huh? Wouldn't it be something if Whitey Ford drove a Chevy? Or if Mickey Mantle had nowhere to put awards? Do you think Jim Coates gets cold in the wintertime? Bobby, hey! - Yeah? - I brought my girl.
- You make a cute couple.
- For a set.
- Sorry, slots are gone.
- So? - So? - Bump someone.
- Why? - Are you serious? I had a girl comic here last week.
- Not this girl comic.
- Let's just go.
Bobby, you know she kills.
Even with an ass full of Shy Baldwin shrapnel? - Fuck you.
- Oh, okay, now I'll give her a slot.
- Really? - No.
But tell you what, I'll be a sport.
You can still come in if you want.
I'll even waive the cover.
Just drink.
this new pitcher the Yankees just got - Okay, that pisses me off.
- Pisses me off.
- You want a drink? - I need a drink.
- Me, too.
- but one hell of an arm.
Hey, any of you hear about this big new book by Harper Lee? Beer.
Martini.
Olives.
Guess what her favorite drink is.
Tequila Mockingbird.
Turns out we did go out for clams.
Okay, enough of me.
Time to introduce this very funny man all the way from Crown Heights.
He even showered before coming over.
Here he is, the big guy, Noah Birnbaum.
Noah Birnbaum? - Noah Birnbaum.
- I'm sorry, Bobby wouldn't bump Noah Birnbaum for me? Have I fallen that far? No, Bobby's just being a fucking little bunghole sissy-prick.
You are what you eat.
- Such a hack.
- Such a hack.
Hello, everybody.
How you doing? How does he choose which generic salutation to pull out of his sack of hack? - Hack.
- Hack.
- Everyone got your drinks, yeah? - Yeah! You know, a gentile's favorite wine is cabernet.
- Am I right? - Oh, I know where this is going.
A Jew's favorite whine is, - "It's too cold in here.
" - "It's too cold in here.
" Hack.
Hack.
I was walking by a church with my friend Sid.
There was a sign that said, "50 bucks if you become a Catholic.
" Sid's like, "I need some cash.
I'm going in.
" Fifteen minutes later, he comes back out, and I say to him, "Sid, Sid, did you get the 50 bucks?" He looks at me, shakes his head and says "You Jews.
All you ever think about is money.
" Ha ha ha, I'm Jewish.
- Shh! - That was loud.
- Like I care a fuck.
Another.
- Okay.
Moving on.
Kid comes home from school, tells his mom he got a part in the school play.
- She says, "What role did you get?" - Behind my back.
The kid says, "Jewish husband.
" The mother says "You go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking role.
" Nice.
- You think this is funny? - Huh.
Sounds like we got a mockingbird in the audience.
What the fuck are you doing? Oh, we're having a little fun, Bobby-Boy.
- Well, don't.
- Wasn't a fair fight.
Stewie, one more word, and you throw them out.
Killjoy.
I feel bad for Moses having to lead a bunch of Jews through the desert.
What a headache.
No wonder God gave him two tablets.
Ma? Pop? It's me! Joely! Oh, look at you and your lazy man's load.
Pop wanted five years of returns.
And your system of two separate books makes it bulkier than I thought.
Put those down.
Put those down.
You'll stay and have something to eat.
- Nah, I should bolt.
- That's not a question.
That's an order.
You're too skinny.
Uh, okay.
Maybe a little something.
Smells good.
Oh, yes.
I made all of your favorites.
Oh, I totally forgot.
Joely, this is Lena Brofmann from up the street.
She's a teacher at P.
S.
144.
- Say hi.
- Hi, Lena.
- Hi, Joel.
- Sweetie, what do you teach again? Music.
Harmony and composition.
And I'm a classical flautist.
- I was going to say.
- Hey, Ma Joel owns a music club, so the two of you have a lot in common.
Isn't that wonderful? Come on, both of you.
Sit, sit.
Lena.
A little more? Yeah, a little more.
Joely, sit down.
The two of you talk, get to know each other.
Dinner's almost out of the oven.
- Ow.
- You okay? Just someone saying, "Hi, let me out.
" Would you excuse me for a second? Sure.
- Ma.
- Pretty, right? - You're out of your mind.
I'm not staying.
- Oh, you're staying.
Why isn't there a back door in this place? Two minutes ago, you could stay.
What changed? - Lena Brofmann.
- What? She's a pretty girl, a talented musician.
- I wonder if she brought her flout.
- She's pregnant.
- Just a little.
- That kid is almost walking.
- Mm, needs salt.
- I am not gonna date a pregnant woman.
Oh, God, no, there is no time to date.
I'll tell her I'm sick.
- And that you're nuts.
- Joel, you're a divorced man with two young children.
You own a nightclub in Chinatown, which is impossible to explain.
You can hardly afford to be choosy.
- Ma - You need companionship.
Someone to be with.
A good woman makes a good man.
Where do you think your father would be without me? Watch it.
Now, you give me one good reason why you cannot go out there and have a nice meal with that girl.
So - How do you like teaching? - I love it.
Because I love kids.
All right, everybody give it up for a very funny man: me.
But give a little something to my buddy Frankie Borden, too.
Nice job, Frankie.
Frankie Borden should be drawn, quartered, raped by a zebra.
Frankie Borden, we hit bottom.
I've got a very funny man coming up next.
Goes by the name of Billy Jones.
Thank you.
I did not birth him, but I'll take it.
- Billy Jones? - Holy shit.
They've hit the bottom of the bottom.
Billy Jones.
But before he comes on, let me fill you in on some upcoming shows.
There he is.
Oh, he even stands like a hack.
First off, one night only.
We've got a real treat for you.
- Big Dave is headlining - Even Billy's walking out on his act.
Ugh, his terrible act.
- I hear it in my nightmares.
- Catch him before he sneaks out to L.
A.
and out on his tab.
I'll be right back.
- Wait, where are you going? - Back with us at 9:00 every night this week, our house favorite, Jess Clayton, returns from his latest round on the Vegas circuit.
If you like an international contingent, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, headlining our 7:30 and 9:00 p.
m.
shows What's with the grin? Well, Billy Jones stepped outside to smoke.
Now, I figure we got a good ten minutes before he figures the fuck out how to walk around the building - and come back in.
- What? I locked him out.
You are a little stinker.
- Yeah.
- So, here he comes.
He just got back from a world tour if you call the world Scranton.
Everybody's favorite except for that wife of his, Billy Jones! Where are you, Billy? Why you grinning? Billy Jones! - Thank you, thank you.
- Come on, Billy! Yeah, Billy! - Is this Billy? - Whew! - Where's Billy? - Rough week.
Women, huh? You can't live with 'em, you can't Well, that pretty much sums it up.
You can't live with 'em.
Huh? My wife.
Oh, brother.
She saw a psychic who told her that in a past life, she was Mary, Queen of Scots.
I said, "Well, hope you had a good time, honey, 'cause in this life, you're Mary, Clean My Socks.
" - My wife is - What the hell? She says she wants a job.
- Can you believe that? - You think this is funny? I says to her, "Sweetie, you got two jobs already that you never show up for: hand and blow.
" I dedicate that one to my man Bobby.
Cut her mic! Cut the spotlight - and get her off the stage.
- I got to go.
Hey, why is it that my wife always wants to talk to me during the ball game? - Oh, shit.
- It's like, honey, if I wanted you to ruin something enjoyable, I'd take you to the bedroom.
Come on! You didn't bump Birnbaum.
You didn't bump Borden.
- What the fuck is wrong with you? - Get up and do your act, Billy.
- She just did it! - But better.
And in heels! Banned for life.
- The both of you.
- Let go.
You were funny once, you know that? What happened? What's the matter, Bob? You like these crap jokes when Billy does them.
This is a business of entertainment.
You get that? Our customers don't come here to watch you make fun of it.
They come to have a good time.
- Well, that's all I was doing, Bobby.
- Hey.
Just trying to show people a good time.
Hey.
Hey, buddy.
Save your two bucks.
For a buck 50, I'll give you a good time right here! Hey! Come on.
Who here wants a good time? - Huh? - Whoa, whoa, what are you doing - west of 3rd Avenue, honey? - Oh! What? - Come on.
- Hey, wait! Wait! - She's a comedian! - Yeah, she's hysterical.
Hey, wait.
Ow! Fucking here we fucking go again.
- Was that a good scream? - That was a good scream.
- Very good.
- An exhilarating read.
I had to look up a couple of words here or there.
I was top of my class at Princeton, Abe.
- I usually know words.
- I can change them.
Let our readers dust off their dictionaries.
It'll be good for them.
I red-penciled a couple of tiny things.
No need to stay.
Great.
I'm happy.
Well, this will make you even happier.
And save us a stamp.
- What is it? - Your first paycheck.
My first paycheck.
Wonderful.
You want the stamp? I'll let you have the stamp.
No, I'll skip the stamp.
Thank you, Gabe.
Thank you, Abe.
Everything we say to men goes through some cockeyed man filter that we don't have.
We say "no," they hear "yes.
" We say "stop," they hear "go.
" We say, "You want to have a good time?" they hear, "You want to have a good time?" Same thing, I know, but they took it out of fucking context.
Language, I know.
With me, it's always about language.
Tonight, I said something, and I got busted.
But, you see, it's not about what you say.
It's about where you happen to be - when you say what you happen to say.
- Right on.
And who happens to be around when you say what you happen to say where you happen to be.
- You know what I'm saying? - Cocaine? Huh? What you're in for.
Solicitation.
In that dress? Actually, what I'm in for is daring to say certain words within earshot of one Officer fucking Krupke.
Language, I know.
Need a light? Huh? Thanks, sweetie.
That girl need to take, like, a week's sleep or something.
This your first time? In jail? God, no.
- You? - Yeah.
You'll get the hang of it.
I didn't mean Never mind.
So, where was I? Oh, yeah, did we talk about Bobby yet? Just Billy Jones.
- And Noah Birnbaum.
- Oh, then I saved the best for last.
- Miriam Maisel! - Mm.
- You made bail.
- Just give me a second to finish up here.
Bobby.
I mean, that can't be his fucking hair.
I know it's above and beyond.
It's way the fuck above and beyond.
You're getting it back.
Or we're walking into an ambush.
It's not an ambush.
She's a sweet, youthful girl, and she didn't want to call her parents.
I mean, it's one thing burning through cash bailing you out, but bailing out a hooker I don't even know? - I'm not a hooker.
- Right, you're Miss Turnstile 1959.
Oh, I'm glad you said "right.
" Make a right on 6th.
I believe her.
She's not wearing underwear.
- Sometimes you got to let things breathe.
- Hey, are we going in circles? Just two blocks more, 46th.
I actually had a better time in jail than at that hacky club.
Better lighting, too.
Bobby is a dick.
That club is dead to us.
That's my point, Susie.
I don't want to play the game.
- I'm too old.
- You're not even 30.
I feel ancient.
I just want to stick to the Gaslight or the other clubs in the Village.
Places I can talk.
Be me.
Sure.
Stick to the Village, stick to the basket houses, but try making a living.
Moneymaking clubs make their money off alcohol.
I know.
I ran the Gaslight.
Without alcohol, there's no money.
I'll play three shows a night.
Four.
Five.
Nothing times five is still nothing.
Without alcohol, there's no money.
For either one of us.
- Yeah.
- Hey, we passed it.
Oy fucking vey.
I always take the subway.
When you get off the A train, it's two blocks up and one over.
Does that help? Hey, Mikey.
I'll be two shakes of a lamb's tail.
Hey, Bunny.
I got arrested! Good for you.
Coffee.
You want some coffee? - I need some goddamn coffee.
- I'm okay.
Does anybody have a 20? Twenty? What am I, fucking Rockefeller? Honey, we're all broke.
I'm two dollars short, but I've got it all besides that.
I should've warned you about the coffee.
How would you put it into words? Let me borrow your lipstick.
That color looks better on me anyway.
- You new? - Hey, yeah! Let's have a round of applause for Lana LaRue! A nice, patriotic young girl.
I can see that a bunch of you guys are still saluting.
- Hey, yeah! - Keep the change, sweetie.
- And keep them coming.
- Hey, nice suit.
Must be a naked cadaver in a morgue somewhere.
Speaking of cadavers, you've heard of rigor mortis? I'd kill to be young, but I didn't know I'd have to die to stay stiff.
So, this is my last night here at the Wolford.
Don't everyone congratulate me at once.
Happy retirement! I'm too in demand to retire, buddy.
I got a better gig.
You'll miss me when I'm gone Oh, you're gonna miss me so much Eh, your loss.
So, old Cliff wanted me to stay.
Said he had a plan to bring in more cash.
A family-friendly night.
Bring the kiddies.
It's a two-milk minimum.
Hey, it's not a bad idea.
We already got the udders.
So, I'm looking forward to my next gig.
Crowd's a little more sophisticated.
Little more mature.
We got to tell my parents about us.
I put it off as long as I can.
Does the name Lena Brofmann mean anything to you? - Hey.
- Whoa, stop.
How the hell did you get in? I don't know, complete lack of security? - What's this? - The money you lent me to reimburse the money I was holding for Midge - that I kind of misplaced.
- Gambled away.
What about that guy at the insurance company? - He still coming after you? - Oh, my sister's blowing him in the office bathroom every day at lunch, so we're good.
So, that's it.
We are squared away.
Hmm? I am back to square one.
Less than that after posting bail for Miriam and that hooker.
Every sentence you speak is worse than the last one.
Wait.
Don't you ever and I mean ever do something shifty with my wife's money again.
- Ex-wife.
- Don't.
Can I help you? I'd like to see the man in charge.
Mama? Everything's on the too high shelf.
I'm not a giraffe.
I need my kitchen the way it should be.
Carry on.
Where was this murder committed? San Francisco last night.
Who was murdered? I was.
Papa? Miriam.
Hello.
- How was your night? - Fine.
I got arrested for prostitution.
Ah, that's nice.
Everything okay? Oh, sure.
Everything's fine.
Although I do have a very serious thing I'd like to discuss with you.
Sit.
Sit, sit.
Miriam.
That is not your first glass.
I think it's wrong that a man should be supported by his daughter.
It's against the laws of father-daughter-daughter-dom.
- Okay.
- I got my first paycheck from the Voice today, and I'm giving it to you the whole thing to cover some household expenses.
- Take it.
Take it.
- Papa, really, I - This is a full week? - Yes.
What will it cover? Honestly? I insist on full honesty.
An egg? Eggs are good.
So, one egg? Maybe two.
One short of an omelet.
It could also cover a certain quantity of salt.
Half a carrot.
You're sure this is a full week? That is my weekly paycheck, Miriam.
Did they tell you it was gonna be this small an amount? I think so.
I was just so excited when they hired me, I may not have been listening.
I should've taken that stamp.
- That what? - Nothing.
Join me.
You know what the irony is about this whole thing? - Mm.
- The job.
It's great.
I mean it's really great.
I like these people.
They're different.
Smart but looser.
And it's the funniest thing.
Yeah? They seem to like me.
Everyone likes you.
No one at Columbia liked me.
Oh, look at this.
Wow.
It's you! Frame that.
No.
I can't afford framing.
It'll buy more than enough.
I was joking.
But what can the government buy with the 96 cents of taxes they withheld, huh? Let's see.
A fighter jet? Nah.
They're, like, a buck something.
- Some staples.
- But not the stapler.
That's gonna take a while longer.
Okay, Papa, I know this is a shock, but look at it this way.
You are doing something that you love.
Yeah.
The both of us.
Pursuing our art.
Although one of us pursuing banking - would've been smart.
- Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Are you sure you can handle all this? To art.
To art.