The New Adventures of Old Christine s04e02 Episode Script

Hey.
What's going on? What's the emergency? The TV's in Spanish again.
Christine,you don't use the word "emergency"for something like that.
Oh,sorry.
Emergencia.
Okay,I'm gonna show you one more time.
TVmenu,language,enter.
Oh,I was hitting "input two".
What's "input two"? Don't you remember our trip to Yosemite? Gross,Richard.
My God.
Oh,yeah,there it is.
Okay thank you,you saved my life.
Sorry I made you come over.
Did I interrupt anything? The usual.
Wedding planning.
Deciding who to invite,who not to invite, what funny things I'm gonna pull from under New Christine's dress when I take off her garter.
Hey,do the rusty license plate,like you did with me.
That got a big laugh.
Hey,are you okay talking about this? Yeah,sure,why wouldn't I be? I don't know,maybe it's a little weird for you.
You might be having some feelings about the fact that I'm getting remarried.
No,I'm happy for you.
Why? What are you gonna do to me? Nothing-- I'm genuinely happy.
Really,after all we've been through, you know,marriage,divorce,raising Ritchie.
He's gonna be okay eventually,right? I don't know,Christine.
Yeah,anyway,you know,after all of that, I thinkthat we've finally landed in a good place.
You know what I mean? We're friends.
We are friends.
We got through it.
Yeah,we sure did,pal.
I'm really glad you feel that way, because I've been wanting to ask you something,friend.
Sure,anything,buddy.
Pal I'd like to get your engagement ring back so I can give it to New Christine.
Well,you can kiss my ass,amigo.
Proudly Presents of Old ChristineSeason04 Episode02 Don't bother looking-- Ritchie moved his money.
I know,I found it yesterday when I was looking for your money.
I'm looking for my engagement ring.
Can you believe stupid Richard wants that ring back? I don't care if it belonged to his stupid mother.
It's my prize possession.
That you can't find.
Hey,there's a lot of things that I love that I can't find.
Where's Ritchie? -At school.
-Oh,good.
Come on,help me look for it.
I can't,I have my first patient today.
Ooh,they're giving you an actual crazy? Christine.
She's actually kind of a starter crazy.
She was referred to me by the Student Health Office.
She's a graduate student-- it's for test anxiety.
Oh,God,I hate tests.
Ritchie doesn't test well.
He has trouble focusing.
-Wait a minute,where is Ritchie? -School.
-What am I looking for? -Ring.
Hey,don't you find it outrageous that Richard wants to take back the ring that he gave to me and give to another woman, as if our whole thing never existed? You know what,you don't need a ring to prove your marri Nobody's ever gonna forget what happened in that house.
The realtor still can't unload it.
You might as well have Indians buried in the backyard.
Aha! Ha,ha,I found it.
Yeah! Oh,my beautiful,beautiful ring.
-Must have shrunk.
-Or? No "or"-- it shrunk.
Wow,the diamond shrunk,too.
Man,it's ugly.
God,I love it.
Okay,I got to get going.
Do I look like a therapist? You look like a bass player.
Damn it,I really tried.
You got band practice? I really tried! Christine,I want to talk to you about the ring.
I am not giving you back the ring,Richard.
It has great sentimental value,and I love it.
What if I bought you a new ring? Oh,yeah,I'd take it.
I'm sorry,I'm I'm interrupting your,ummagic act? No,my my jacket's stuck.
I have unusually large hands and a big head.
I get it from my father, and,uh,my narrow hips are from my mother.
Stop talking.
Ow! Oh,my God.
I'm so sorry.
-Are you okay? -Yeah.
Are you a patient of Matthew Kimble's? I am Matthew Kimble.
-I'm sorry again.
-Oh,I'm sorry I'm late.
-I'm Lucy.
-Oh,I'm not usually like this.
-I'm your 5:00.
-I'm not a bass player.
-Can I sit down? -Do you mind sitting down? Are you sure you're okay? Oh,yeah,no problem.
I'm already covered in bruises.
I'm not.
That that was a joke.
Get it? Um,not a funny joke.
Okay,uh um I actually give a lot of money to women's shelters.
No,I don't.
-What are you doing? -I don't know.
When I was a kid,I would say things like that all the time just to shock my mother, and then she had a heart attack.
She didn't have a heart attack.
A mild stroke no,she didn't.
Uh,I just I didn't want you to think I was boring.
Oh,my God.
Lucy,uh,you're nervous.
It's fine-- I'm nervous.
Look,I don't think you're boring.
I think you're beautiful.
In a clinical way.
Clinically beautiful.
Oh,God,I love the mall.
Diamonds and Panda Express.
If they put a Planned Parenthood in here,I'd never have to leave.
Let's just find you a ring.
Hour three with you is getting tedious.
Yeah.
Hour three is when it happens.
Good afternoon.
Hi,we're here to look at engagement rings.
Oh,I'd be glad to help the happy couple find something.
Well,when you're finished,can you help us? How much are you looking to spend? We haven't really discussed it.
Well,for an engagement ring we generally suggest the groom spends the equivalent of three months salary.
Three months? Okay,I choose January,February and November.
No,not the rainy months,Richard.
He's a contractor.
I take September,August,July,2004.
-Gold digger.
-Cheapskate.
Well,the important thing is,you found each other.
Ooh,look at that one.
Oh,the lady has great taste.
Yeah,so does she.
Oh,my God,I'm in love.
-How much? -$15,000.
00 Take it off,take it off,take it off.
No,not yet,Richard.
Just look at it.
Yeah,I see.
Take it off,take it off,take it off.
No,come on.
You didn't even look.
Oh,boy.
Yeah,that is pretty.
-Right? -Sparkly.
It's very popular.
A brilliant cut on a platinum band.
New Christine would love that.
She showed me one like that in her magazine.
-Who's New Christine? -That's the one he's marrying.
Oh good.
She put the picture up on the refrigerator right next to the pygmy goat.
She also wants a pygmy goat.
And old-fashioned girl.
Hey,Richard,if she would love this one, why are you insisting I give you this one back? I think she'd love your little ring,too.
And,uh,we'll get you this big one.
Wait a minute,wait a minute.
What's going on here? Wrap it up.
No,Richard,what are you doing? You shouldn't be buying me a new engagement ring.
You should be buying one for New Christine.
No.
I need to give New Christine the old ring.
If I don't,my mom will kill me.
Oh,your mom.
Oh,is that what this is about? The Wicked Witch of West Covina? Don't talk like that about my mother.
My mother's fine.
Oh,please,your mother is toxic and selfish and controlling and judgmental.
What about your mother? My mother is hateful and nosy and caustic and withholding.
Man,you're terrible at Boggle,but you sure come up with the words now.
Richard,when we were married, you let your mother get way too involved in our lives,and I think,really, that's one of the single biggest reasons that our marriage didn't work out.
You can't blame my mother for that.
Well,it's either that or take personal responsibility, and you know damn well I'm not gonna do that.
Okay,well,why don't I take that ring from you and,uh,let the two of you figure this out,hmm? Perhaps in the food court.
Listen to me.
I want you to stay out of my business.
I can't stay out of your business,because I'm your friend.
And,as your friend,I am here to tell you that you're one big,fat mama's boy.
And as your friend,I have to tell you: get my mother's ring off your giant sausage finger.
I can't give it back to you.
You're trying to sabotage my engagement, because deep down,you can't be happy for me.
Oh,well,if that's what you think, then I feel sorry for you.
-That's what I think.
-I feel sorry for you.
Just just give me the ring,Christine, and stay out of my business.
Oh,is that what you want,me out of your business? That's why I keep saying it.
You want me out of your business? - Yes.
-Okay,fine, I'm out of your business.
And here's your ring,pal.
I'm having a crisis.
I'm having a crisis.
Me first.
Me first.
Matthew,you know I'm gonna go first,so just let me go.
I think I'm in love with my patient,and I don't know what to do.
Oh,my God,that's huge.
Okay,my turn.
Do you know why Richard expects me to give that ring back? Because his mother wants him to give it to New Christine.
Wow,that's not your business at all.
What? How can that not be my business?Everything is my business.
And I think that Richard is making a huge mistake listening to his mother.
Look,Christine,when you were his wife,what was your role? I don't know.
Control and oppress? Exactly.
But as his friend, what do you think your role might be? I don't know.
Control and oppress.
No,support.
-Support and oppress? -No.
Oh,support and control.
No,support.
Just support.
I mean,even if he makes a mistake, you have to support him.
What? That can't be right.
Yes,it is! Christine,if you're sincere about wanting to be Richard's friend, you have to treat him like a friend.
you have to treat him like a friend.
Like Who are your friends? -You.
-I'm not your friend.
-Ritchie.
-No.
Okay,what about Barb? She's my husband.
Yes,but she's also your friend.
Do you try to control her? *********** Do you have any friends? Robin's my friend.
-Who's Robin? -From high school.
-When's the last time you saw her? -High school.
Okay.
Just forget about your friends.
the point is,if you want to have a different relationship with Richard, you have to act differently.
Are you telling me I have to give him the ring back? I think so.
Matthew,why do you always know the right thing to do? I don't.
I am a terrible therapist.
No,you're not.
You're a wonderful therapist.
Look at me.
I'm your greatest achievement.
That's mean.
Okay,I'll give him the ring back.
Matthew,the,the ring.
Where's the ring? It's not on my giant sausage finger.
Where did it go? How did this happen? Oh,my God,help me find it.
I can't.
I have to go see my lover mother,patient.
Shut up! Let's start with what happens to you during the exams.
When does the anxiety start? I have to confess something embarrassing.
I don't have test anxiety.
My problem is more with my professors.
Oh.
What kind of a problem? Well, I sort of fall in love with them.
Them? All of them? No.
Not all of them.
Yes,all of them.
And it's not just professors.
It's really anybody that seems knowledgeable: doctors,police officers,maitre d's therapists.
Uh,and how does this manifest itself? Well,I fantasize about sleeping with them.
Fantasies are healthy.
While I'm kissing them.
Ah.
Let me just make a note.
Kissing fantasy.
I mean,I can't help myself.
It's like whenever I'm around intelligent men, I just find myself looking at their lips and wondering what it would be like to kiss them.
Smart guys turn me on.
Well,you know,in my thesis for my master's degree, I cited Freud's work on oral fixation for my master's degree.
You have beautiful lips.
And a master's degree.
I'm screwed I'm screwed.
-Me first this time.
-My patient is attracted to me.
She said she wanted to kiss me.
What'd you do? Well,Christine,I'm a therapist.
I told I had diarrhea, and I stayed in the bathroom until she left.
How long were you in there? Well,there was actually an ironic end to this story, which I am not gonna share with you.
-Okay,is it my turn now? -Please.
I can't find the ring! It's gone! Okay,calm down.
When was the last time you had it on? Last night.
Did you go anywhere? -No,I was here all night.
-Then it's not gone.
You just have to retrace your steps.
What'd you do last night? Uh,I don't know.
I had a little wine.
I got a bite to eat.
Ooh.
This isn't all for me.
I'm having a huge family reunion.
And then I read until it was time to go to bed.
If I don't come up with that ring, Richard is never gonna be my friend.
And I think he might be my only friend.
Okay,look,you're gonna have to retrace your steps.
Do exactly what you did last night.
I told you.
I Drink,drink,drink,drink,drink, Eat,eat,eat,eat,eat.
Read,read,read,read.
What,and then what? You went to bed? What? What else did you do? I-I can't tell you.
Oh,gross,get a boyfriend.
No,no,no,not that.
I-I just,I don't want to talk about it.
Christine,you have to retrace your steps.
Whatever it is you did,go do it again.
And you're in your wedding dress.
Hey,it's not my fault.
I mean,all this talk about Richard getting remarried, it made me think about my wedding, and then it made me think about my wedding dress, and then drink,drink,drink,alone,alone,alone, mad,mad,mad.
That's that's Crazy,crazy,crazy.
Where the hell could that ring be? You know what?I think you're gonna have to tell Richard that you lost it.
I can't.
Then he'll think I lost it on purpose, 'cause I'm not happy for him.
Oh,are you happy for him? I'm a big person,Matthew.
I am happy when other people are happy.
Of course I'm happy for Richard.
-Are you? -Yes.
-Are you? -Yes.
-Are you? -No.
Sad,sad,sad.
Thanks for coming back in.
I need to talk to you.
Uh, I'm not qualified to be your therapist.
What are you talking about? You are so knowledgeabl I am a good enough therapist to know that your problem is a lack of boundaries where authority figures are concerned, but I'm not good enough to not be incredibly turned on by it.
See? Smart.
Uh,I also know that if I wasn't your therapist, your attraction to me would disappear instantly, so I have no choice but to refer you to another ,more experienced,perhaps less hunky therapist.
So you're not my therapist anymore? No.
Sorry.
So,according to your theory, I'm not gonna be attracted to you anymore? That's right.
You think your theory might be wrong? Since I was wrong,I will not be charging you for this session.
And I'm sorry.
I I didn't mean to say those things I said about your mother.
I didn't mean it.
I stand by the things I said about my mother,however.
It's okay.
You were upset.
Yeah,the thing is,Richard,is that deep down, I may not be completely happy for you.
How deep? But,but I'm working on it,you know? There's just a little piece of me that's hanging on, and,um,that little piece may have,uh lost your mother's ring.
You lost my mother's ring? She's a horrible,horrible woman,Richard.
But I'm trying to be your friend, and I know that your relationship with your mother is none of my business.
And your relationship with New Christine is none of my business.
And I'm really working hard at trying to stay out of it.
I have something to tell you,too.
What? I thought you were right about my mother, so I bought New Christine the new ring.
You did? Yeah,I didn't get her the pigmy goat,though.
I took your advice because you really are a good friend.
And I think it would be weird if you were completely okay with me getting remarried.
Out of all my friends,you're the only one who would care enoughbout me to call me a mama's boy.
Well,you are,Richard.
And she's a horrible,horrible woman.
And you're a really,really good friend.
Mm.
Well,I like this.
I mean,God knows,I don't need any more friends.
But this is good.
It is.
Thanks,friend.
-Oh,okay,bye,pal.
-Okay.