The Ranch (2016) s04e02 Episode Script

1 - Hey! - Hey.
She's been fighting a nap, so Oh the whole way here, she was like a little baby bobble head.
[COLT.]
Hey, err before we start talking, I just [PEYTON GURGLES.]
I want to say I'm sorry - for showing up at your house drunk.
- [SIGHS.]
Are we okay? Yeah, we're good.
I'm not gonna put it in the Christmas newsletter, you know.
"This year, we had a baby, I got a new job, Colt got hammered, tried to punch my dad, God bless us everyone.
" It's better than hearing about the last toe your Aunt Chris lost to diabetes.
It's a all your stuff for your new apartment.
I packed it up.
Oh, err I gave you the good hair dryer.
But I'm gonna need it back for the Broncos opening day.
That's when I post most on Instagram.
Well, thank you.
I know how hard that must have been for you.
It's the first thing you grabbed when you thought the house was on fire.
[COLT.]
Hey! I came back for you.
Eventually.
[ABBY CHUCKLES.]
Sure you don't want me to come over and help unpack? - No, my dad will be there.
- Oh.
Yeah.
That'd be awkward after me kicking his ass the other night.
Is he okay? Oh, I don't know.
His shirt was pretty messed up after all your tears got on it.
I didn't cry.
His tears must've got on my face.
[DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE.]
Hi, Peapod.
You're gonna stay with mom a while.
Just 'cause I ain't with you, don't mean I ain't thinking about ya.
- [PEYTON GURGLES.]
- Actually, I I got you this.
So you don't forget about me.
Love you, kid.
[SOFTLY.]
All right.
All right.
[SIGHS.]
Looks like you got everything you need to move into your new place.
Except you know, your husband.
Come on.
What? No, I really am just joking.
If I don't, I'll start crying, and my face will get all red and blotchy, and I ain't got no idea what box I put your tinted moisturizer in.
Give me my moisturizer.
[CHUCKLES.]
Come on.
- What? - Come on.
Goddammit! I'd better get going.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Let's not make this any sadder than it is.
Get the fuck outta here.
I'll text when we get there.
[DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE.]
[CAR ENGINE STARTS.]
[SIGHS.]
What's going on? Mary's in the hospital.
Luke's in jail.
- Wow! - Apparently she overdosed.
We're pickin' up Heather and heading to Vegas right now.
[BEAU.]
You coming? Fuck that.
He bailed on me.
She's a fucking train wreck.
Ain't my problem.
Yeah.
Cowboys ain't easy to love And they're harder to hold They'd rather give you a song Than diamonds or gold Lone star belt buckles And old faded Levi's And each night begins a new day You don't understand him And he don't die young He'll probably just ride away Mamas don't let your babies Grow up to be cowboys Don't let 'em pick guitars And drive them old trucks Let 'em be doctors And lawyers and such Mamas don't let your babies Grow up to be cowboys Hey.
The cops won't tell me anything about Mary.
Is she okay? She's awake and stable.
Heather and Joanne are at the hospital with her.
Oh, thank God.
- I'm so sorry that you had to drive - Just save it.
Only reason I picked you up is 'cause you're my brother's son.
Anything more is just more lies and bullshit.
Got it.
You won't wanna hear this, but at some point we gotta get my truck.
Where is it? Great question.
Um [SIGHS.]
You know, how about this? Drive up and down the Strip, and I'll keep hitting the panic button.
[BUTTON CLICKING.]
Okay.
I think so.
Mom, can you at least stay in the wheelchair till we're off the property? The doctors didn't even want you to leave yet.
Yeah.
They also wanted my real name, but I'm not paying those fucking bills.
You know, you really should stay a little longer.
I heard in Vegas hospitals, you can bet on which patient is gonna die first.
- Oh! Thank God! - [MARY.]
Hey.
Oh! Boy, that scared me.
There's nothing more disturbing than paramedics coming to your Vegas hotel room and not taking their clothes off.
Oh, you must be Heather.
I'm Luke.
Hi.
Are you my mom's boyfriend or her drug dealer? Are you her daughter or Don fucking Rickles? You sure you're all right, Mary? I just partied a little too hard, you know.
Honestly, I haven't slept like that in years.
You weren't sleeping.
You were in a coma.
- Can we just get outta here? - Yeah, we should really get going.
Err I heard on the radio someone stole Liberace's cape from the museum.
I gotta bad feeling we had something to do with that, so Wait, I'm sorry.
Is this just, like, one big joke to you? Hey, I'm just trying to put a smile on her face.
We don't really need you to do that.
In fact, we don't even need you to be here.
Okay.
We're all just here 'cause we love Mary.
Let's hit the road before Beau sees the Eiffel Tower.
I saw it.
All it's missing is a white flag.
Hey! Whatever you gotta say, I don't wanna hear it.
All right.
I'll tell Peyton Manning you don't wanna talk to him.
Sorry, Peyton.
Yeah, just hop back in that free beer truck and get outta here.
You done? Listen, I'm sorry.
Okay? I fucked up.
How can I make it up to you? I told you Mary was bad news.
You didn't wanna listen.
You had your choice: family or the dumpster fire, and you dove dick first into the dumpster.
I'm not here to talk about Mary.
I'm here to talk about partnering up again.
Well, I ain't interested.
I'm doing fine.
Yeah, looks like it.
Who is it that lives in a tent? Is it Bill Gates or Elon Musk? Not that it's any of your business, but I'm making money.
I'm taking a couple of cattle to auction, make it through the winter.
Look, I don't know a ton about ranching, but if you keep selling cows, at what point does this go from a ranch to just a giant lawn? I mean, I guess we could have some sweet wiffle ball games.
Would it be sweet or would I just dominate? You don't know shit about ranching, so why not stick to what you're good at? Running off with drug addicts, wearing overalls with no underwears.
I hate to break this to you but nobody wears underwears with overalls.
It's the redneck kilt.
Yeah.
Well, it's fucking weird, man! When you walk too fast, it sounds like two pieces of baloney slapping together.
This is fun! Don't you miss this? - I mean, we had a good thing.
- Yeah.
We did have a good thing.
You gave me hope that I'd make it through the winter, then you bailed on me.
So, I'd rather depend on myself than a partner I can't fucking trust.
You know, I'm surprised you can even see me from way up on that high horse.
Buddy, you bailed on your dad and your brother over and over again.
Boy, that really makes me wanna be your partner.
Fuck.
You.
- Okay.
- Just get the hell outta here.
Good luck.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
Heather says Mary's doin' okay.
That's great to hear.
Ugh.
Creamy peanut butter.
Don't we have any crunchy? - Hey, Luke.
- Hey.
I just uh wanted to pay you back the bail money.
I also threw in a couple of free passes to the Liberace Museum.
If you don't wanna make the drive, I got his cape in my truck.
Hey.
I know I screwed up.
And I know that this is a wake-up call.
I called the guy at the VA hospital, he's gonna get me into therapy as soon as possible.
That's great! I'll believe it when I see it.
You're gonna see it.
I came here to meet my family, learn about my dad, and I still wanna do that.
I'll tell you one thing about your dad.
He'd be even more disappointed in you than I am.
All right, well thanks for bailing me out.
Joanne.
[DOOR SHUTS.]
[CLEARING THROAT.]
Well, that was harsh.
He came to apologize.
Oh, I guess that makes it all right.
And if Clinton had apologized for ruining the country, I'd be a goddamn Democrat.
I can see you're gonna be rational about this.
When Dale makes a mistake, you just laugh about it.
But then when Colt does, you banish him from the ranch.
And Mary was just as irresponsible as Luke.
But you called to check on her.
You gave her the landline number.
I don't even have that.
So I hold my family to a higher standard.
What's wrong with that? We could ask them, but none of them come around anymore.
- Hey! - Hey.
How was Vegas? Do anything fun? Go see Britney, bitch? No, I didn't have any fun bitch.
You think I was too hard on you and Rooster? [SPLUTTERS.]
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh, shit! - [CHUCKLING.]
- [CAR ENGINE GETTING LOUDER.]
You just made whiskey come out my nose.
Obviously, I wasn't tough enough.
- Hi, Ab.
- [ABBY.]
Hey.
- [COLT.]
Hi, sweetie.
- [ABBY CHUCKLES.]
- [COLT, HIGH VOICE.]
Come here, cutie.
- [ABBY.]
Yeah! Ah, yeah.
Aren't you just Oh, God! Oh! Why are them parents always smiling in them Huggies ads? I'll change her.
[COLT.]
Okay.
Perhaps it's just a little stall that needs to be mucked.
[PEYTON GURGLES.]
[SIGHS.]
All right.
Hey, I got a favor to ask.
Oh, don't worry.
I won't let my dad dry Peyton with the leaf blower.
I didn't realize that was a favor.
Oh.
I just found out there's this thing for school, - so - Not another one of those book fairs.
You know, you guys can't call it that.
"Hey, kids, let's go to the fair.
There's no cotton candy or roller coaster but we got books.
" Okay.
No, it's a mixer.
They want the new teachers to meet everyone.
It's Friday at Maggie's.
And by the way, book fairs are fun.
Okay? You don't need cotton candy or roller coasters when you have a ticket to the greatest ride of all: your imagination.
[SNORTS.]
How did I never stuff you in a locker in high school? [ABBY CHUCKLES.]
You did.
That's how we met.
I was hoping that you would come with me.
- Come with you, huh? - Yeah.
Oh, all right.
Yesterday, you asked me for space, but today you want me to go on a date with you.
Not a date.
It's just if I go alone, people will ask questions, they're gonna talk, so Like, right now, it's [GASPS.]
"There's that new teacher.
Can you believe she just had a baby? She looks so good.
I don't like the term, but she looks like a MILF.
" And if you don't go, it'll be like, "There's the new teacher.
Can you believe she just got separated? When she dies, her cats are gonna eat her.
" Hmm.
Oh I get it.
You don't actually wanna hang out with me.
You're just worried what other people are gonna think.
I'm gonna go ahead and pass.
Okay.
Colt! Come on, it's not a big deal.
It's not a big deal? Yesterday, you made me help you pack your van, so you could move to your own apartment.
But today, you want me to pretend like we're some kinda happy couple, so you don't feel weird at a party? It's not a party, it's my job.
Remember the one I had to take because you lied to me about selling the herd.
Okay.
All you do is tell me what a shitty husband I am, now you're asking me for help.
What the fuck you expect I'm gonna say? It was just a favor.
Okay? Just calm down.
Okay.
All you have to say is no.
Why don't you guess what my answer is? Hey.
I'm headed to the store.
Can I grab you anything? Yeah.
Bananas, Raisin Bran and OxyContin.
What? It's a joke.
Jesus! I don't eat fucking Raisin Bran.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
- Hello! - Hey! Oh, good! Your fourth husband's here.
No! Third husband.
Fourth marriage.
Four? Wow, we would totally suck at The Newlywed Game.
[SIGHS.]
I'm going to the store.
The number for Poison Control is on the fridge.
Hey, I know it's weird, but now that I said it, I kinda do want Raisin Bran.
How you doin'? You feeling better? Yeah, I'm all right.
My daughter doesn't trust me.
I raised her, you know.
I'm not perfect, but I was a pretty responsible parent.
One summer, when they were little, I thought I lost them at the mall but it turned out they were safely locked inside the car.
I think she's just concerned.
I mean, we're all a little concerned.
I thought you were dead.
And I can't get that image outta my mind.
No, I know.
I've been acting stupid.
I got back here and I gave my grand kids a hug and a kiss, and I just thought, "Shit! What if I hadn't made it?" You know? How could they even explain that to them? I gotta get my shit together, Luke.
Hey, we both do.
We'll do it together, it'll be easier.
And I'm excited I just found out I'm a grandfather.
- [MARY LAUGHS.]
- Know what that solves? From now on, I don't have to say I'm unemployed, I can say I'm retired.
What are their names? Kira and Luke.
They named one after his papa.
- [MAY LAUGHS.]
- That's great.
Err Listen, Papa.
[SNIFFS.]
We should probably talk about the fact that we're married.
Huh? Okay.
I think I know what you're gonna say.
Yeah? So, you're cool with getting a divorce? I thought you were gonna say, "Let's have a nice reception, really do it right, rent out a Shakey's.
" [CHUCKLES.]
Well, I'm sorry to blindside you.
Especially on our two-day anniversary.
I really like you.
I mean, I know we rushed into it, but I wanna keep hanging out.
Me too.
I mean, you're cool.
You're fun.
You're beautiful.
Even when the paramedics were pumping your stomach, I thought "I'd still hit that.
" - [LAUGHING.]
Jesus! - I would.
[SHOUTING IN DISTANCE.]
Yeah! [LOUDLY.]
Yeah, next up is Bennett Brothers Ranch.
No.
I'd pay double, maybe triple market value for their cows.
Huh? Yeah! The owner does look like a hotter, more-in-shape Ryan Gosling.
- Hey, Colt.
- Hiya, Rich.
I got the guy from Neumann's Hill here.
I gotta call you back Mr Sizzler.
Selling some cattle, huh? Yep.
A lot of interest.
I thought I'd capitalize on the opportunity.
Supply and demand.
Free agency.
Bossing the market.
Come on, man.
The only people selling cows here today are people who have to.
And the only people buying them work for big outfits like mine.
What's your point, Rich? I've seen this before.
Guys like you, selling off a piece here, a piece there, all end up the same.
Look.
I know Lisa is lowballing you on the ranch.
Maybe I can talk to her, so you at least walk away with something.
There you go.
That's what you're doing here.
Lisa sent you? Nobody sent me, man.
I'm just trying to help.
I don't need help.
Bennetts have been ranching since long before Neumann's Hill ever existed.
And we'll be here long after you're gone.
All right.
You go broke, waiting on a miracle.
[AUCTIONEER OVER PA.]
A fine Bennett Bros' heifer Hey, maybe I'll buy some of your cows.
Unless, you know, I'm outbid by you know, Mr.
Sizzler.
Forty-one hundred.
[AUCTIONEER.]
Forty-one, here we go.
Do I hear 42? Forty-two.
Come on now, 43.
Can I have 44? Come on now, 45? Do I have 45? I got 45.
Now, go 46.
Come on now, 46 What are you doing here? Saving your ass.
I got this.
I don't need anybody's help.
Oh, I believe ya.
Heard you talkin' with some real heavy hitters over there.
Mr.
Sizzler.
Mr.
Outback.
I even heard you on the phone with Melinda Applebee's.
Look, you won't take my money, so I'm gonna use my money to buy your cows.
What the hell you gonna do with a bunch of cows? Give them back to you, so we can be partners again.
Or maybe I'll line them up like dominoes, tip the first one and see what happens.
I'll tell you what happens.
Your dad yells at you.
I already told you, we ain't gonna be partners.
Hmm.
We'll see.
You know what? Fine, go ahead and keep bidding.
All you're doing is raising the price on my cattle.
Well, I'm not gonna get outbid.
This is America, buddy.
I got no problem spending too much on something I don't need.
Even if you do buy the cows, we ain't gonna be partners.
This is gonna make you an idiot with a bunch of cows you don't need.
Well, it's not about the cows.
Look, I've been home from Iraq for ten years.
Bouncing back and forth from shitty job to shitty job.
Lost my wife.
Lost my mom.
Come here and meet you and Beau.
I feel like maybe there's somewhere I belong, so I'm not giving that up.
Okay.
What? So now I'm a dick if I don't say yes.
That's what I was going for.
Look, I broke your trust.
So I'm gonna keep showing up until I earn it back.
[AUCTIONEER.]
Fifty-seven now What about Mary? Mary's got nothing to do with this.
Bottom line is, I'm never gonna bail on you ever again.
[AUCTIONEER.]
Fifty-nine hundred! Hoo yeah! Going once I'd rather you buy me than Neumann's Hill.
Fucking bid.
[AUCTIONEER.]
Six thousand going once, going twice and sold for six thousand to paddle 342.
- There we go.
- [HOOTS.]
That feels good! Now I know why rich people buy paintings this way.
All right.
- Now we go get our cows - [AUCTIONEER.]
Hoo-ey! partner.
All right! Now I'm officially a rancher.
Feel like it's in my blood.
Goddamn! That manure smell's gonna make me puke.
Let's get outta here.
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING FROM RADIO.]
- Hey! - Hey.
I was surprised to see you text me.
Also surprised you know how to text.
Not surprised you ended the text with the word "send" four times.
What's up with Joanne's truck? The damn engine keeps stalling.
Well I think I see the problem.
What's that? It's a Chevy.
Yeah, no shit.
Time of death: assembly line.
[LUKE LAUGHS.]
Hey, also, I I'm really sorry you hiked all the way out there to Vegas for us.
It's all right.
Having Colt and Rooster as kids, a lot of my road trips involved going to a jail.
Colt got arrested at the Grand Canyon one time.
- That was pretty nice.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Wanna throw me that ratchet? Sure.
[LUKE.]
See what we got.
[BEAU.]
You know, standing here with you takes me right back to working on cars with your father.
Yeah, was he good at fixing engines, too? And breaking them.
When we were kids, we hated going to church, especially during football season.
So, Greg would get up before anybody else, come out here and unplug the spark plug or loosen the battery cable.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's good.
I just used to say Father Thompson was getting handsy with me.
Sorry, you were telling a story.
Yeah.
Anyway, we'd miss church.
And then Greg would pretend to fix the truck while we listened to the Broncos game on the radio.
And after it was over, he'd stick the wire back in and say, "Hey, I fixed the truck.
How about taking us to get some ice cream?" [LUKE CHUCKLES.]
I'm pretty sure your grandfather knew what was going on.
He went along with it, because he liked football and ice cream more than he liked God.
I like hearing those stories about him.
It gives me a sense of who he was.
I appreciate it.
Yeah.
I got something for you.
[BIRDS SQUAWKING.]
[LUKE.]
Oh, wow! I should've given it to you when you first got here.
For years, that's felt like the last connection that I had to him.
I can't take this.
Not my last connection anymore.
You are.
Sorry I almost fucked that up by driving you away.
I'm glad you're here, Luke.
Thanks, Beau.
Any chance my dad was a hugger? Nah, he hated 'em, just like me.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay, fair enough.
Come here.
[BACK SLAPS.]
A hug? Are you fucking kidding me? [DOOR KNOCKS.]
[LUKE.]
Papa's home! Hey, what are you doing here? I thought we could celebrate our divorce with a romantic dinner for deux.
Mm.
Played a little dollar-menu roulette, gave the guy five bucks and said, "Surprise me.
" Could be anything.
A few Big Macs Quarter Pounder maybe a six-piece nug Tuh! Five Filet-O-Fish.
Fuck you, Stan! What a dick! Ugh.
Babe, can we do this later? I'm a little tired.
Yeah.
Sure.
Ooh.
Patched things up with Colt.
Bought some cows.
Hope you like steak.
- [MARY LAUGHS WEAKLY.]
- I'm kidding.
We don't kill 'em yet.
I don't think.
Actually, I don't know.
I'm new to this.
Anyhoo, call you later? Mary.
Huh? Oh I know! Fucking Stan, right? God I asked if I could call you later.
Oh, sorry.
Yeah, that's good.
You high? I'm tired! I told you.
Don't bullshit me.
Okay.
Jesus! I took an aspirin for a headache, okay? [SCOFFS.]
An aspirin I was with you for two weeks in Vegas.
I know when you're fucked up.
Wow Wow! That's a lot of judgment from a guy who got naked in the Bellagio fountain, and then tried to synchronize his pee to the music.
- [MARY CHUCKLES.]
- Didn't try.
Did.
I don't like people telling me what to do.
I'm not here to do that.
Well, it sounds like you are.
[SCOFFS.]
I don't need this bullshit.
You can go.
Hey, Mary.
I'm just trying to help.
I don't want your fucking help.
Okay? Get out! Get out! - [COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING.]
- Hey, Abby.
Pretty cool it's an open bar, huh? [SIGHS.]
You know this is just for teachers, right? Wait.
They pay teachers in beer? Hi.
Hey.
What are you doing here? There were no book fairs going on, so figured I'd settle for a stupid bar.
Oh.
Ugh, god! Football's on.
[LAUGHS.]
Actually, we're having a book raffle in an hour.
- Oh, yeah?! - Yep.
How about that? What's the raffle? Loser's gotta read one? [LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY.]
I hate this.
I hate that you got your own apartment.
I hate that I lay awake at night, knowing you and Peyton are somewhere and I can't take care of you.
I ain't gonna let that stop [CLEARS THROAT.]
me from being there for you.
Thank you.
Listen, I I don't blame you for being upset.
All right? It was wrong of me to ask you to come to this.
I'm sorry.
I've been all over the place with us being separated, and I know that.
It's just this has been really hard for me, too.
- I overreacted.
- No.
I'm frustrated about everything going on at the ranch.
- [POOL BALLS CLICK.]
- Well You were wrong.
Oh [CLEARS THROAT.]
- Shit, that means I was right.
- You were right.
Fuck yeah! You look real pretty.
[CHUCKLES.]
You smell nice, too.
What's that? - That's a new perfume? - No.
It's Peyton's diaper cream.
- It's got lavender in it! - [CHUCKLES.]
Thanks for coming.
I didn't just come to see you, you know.
I also came to see teachers try to dance.
What are you talking about? Teachers know how to get down.
Okay.
Stop.
Whoa! - Come on.
Stop, babe.
- What? - [ABBY SCOFFS.]
- I thought you didn't want the other teachers to make fun of you.
- All right.
- Come on.
Let's show people what a happy married couple look like.
How about a drunk happy married couple? - That's even better.
- Good.
I saw my dad hug Luke today.
Oh, shit! Sorry.
Are you okay? If he takes Luke to Disneyland, we're fucking through.
["ONE AT A TIME" PLAYING.]
Every second in a minute Every redneck kiss you're givin' Every secret you been wishin' Come on Let's take 'em one at a time That look you're throwing my way That twist of lime that I taste Gonna steal your breath tonight And girl I'll take it one at a time 'Cause it's one, one One at a time