The Umbrella Academy (2019) s04e02 Episode Script
Jean and Gene
1
[ALARM BLARING]
[QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING]
[EXHALES HEAVILY]
[GROANS]
[BLEARILY] Oh no. Oh no.
Oh, teppanyaki.
[GROANS] Shit.
Luther. What's the matter with you?
Sorry, I'm I'm going.
I told you, no drugs unless
you're buying from me.
No, no. I just had had
a family reunion last night.
- Shut up and get on stage.
- Okay.
[EMCEE] Ladies and gentlemen,
the astronaut with the
biggest rocket in his pocket.
Put your hands together for Spaceboy!
["POWERED UP" BY COBRA MAN PLAYING]
- [ROWDY, BOISTEROUS ROCK PLAYING]
- [TEPID APPLAUSE]
I'm coming back on top ♪
And I'm flipping the switch ♪
I turn the voltage up ♪
Raise the hair on your neck ♪
'Cause I was dying from the start ♪
[PATRON GASPS]
But I made lightning ♪
[PATRONS CHEERING]
In the dark ♪
We're powered up ♪
- Shock me, baby, all night ♪
- We're powered up ♪
All night ♪
Shock me, baby, all night ♪
Yeah!
[DIEGO GRUNTING IN EXCITEMENT]
I'm back!
Sy Grossman?
He checks out. He's a legit taxpayer.
I'll be damned.
My circuit's running hot ♪
And I'm plugging you in ♪
What the
[GRUNTING]
You feeling okay, Mr. Five?
[WEAKLY] No. I don't think I am.
Tell boss I'm taking a sick day.
[PATRONS WHOOPING]
Since when does the old guy have moves?
Powered up ♪
[WHOOPING, CHEERING HALT]
[PANICKED SCREAMING]
No! No! No! No! No! No!
You son of a bitch!
No!
[SONG TRAILS OFF]
[OVERLAPPING ARGUING]
Someone explain what the
hell is going on here quick.
Well, Viktor, that's what
we're all trying to figure out.
Oh God, don't look at me.
No one's blaming you, Luther.
No! I mean, don't look
at me! I'm hideous.
[FIVE] At least you're
back to your old self.
The rest of us feel like someone
injected motor oil in our veins.
It's so strange. Because
I, for once, feel fantastic.
Yeah? Well, you think you got problems?
- Look at this.
- Oh wait. No!
[ALL EXCLAIMING]
[LUTHER] Hey, hey, hey, hey! Not inside!
What?
What the hell?
- I'm sorry.
- Whoa!
Whoa!
Turn it off!
I don't know how!
- [LILA'S EYE BEAMS BLIP]
- [PANTING]
[SIGHS]
There.
Oh, sorry about that.
- [FIVE] Be careful.
- [DIEGO] How do you do that?
A gun to my head, I couldn't tell you.
Oh, come on! It took me months
to find these original sconces!
I don't give a shit about your sconces.
I want answers now.
[ENERGY WHOOSHING]
[ALL] Whoa, whoa, whoa!
[KLAUS] Breathe.
[ALLISON] Viktor, easy.
Relax, Kodiak Jack.
[UNDERSTATED, SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]
It was me.
[MARIGOLD THRUMMING]
[BEN] I know you're all too terminally
emo to do what had to be done,
so I made an executive decision and
spiked your sake with the marigold.
[GASPS]
[GROANS]
Why am I not surprised?
You had no right to do that, asshole!
Oh, trust me, you'll thank me later.
Yeah, or I'll kick your ass right now.
Oh yeah. Now, that I would love to see.
[BEN CHUCKLES]
- Ugh!
- [BEN GROANS]
What is with the tails?
I don't know. They won't go back in!
Oh! God. Why is it cold?
The real question is,
why would you touch it?
Forget about my tails, all right?
I haven't felt this good in years.
Maybe you guys need to take some more.
Okay, you know what? Give me that.
Wait a minute. Hold on.
Klaus, why aren't you sick?
Here's to the non-existent
Umbrella Academy.
Kanpai!
[ALL] Kanpai!
[KLAUS] Well, because
one sake bomb is too many,
and a thousand is just never enough.
[ALLISON] You didn't drink.
- [KLAUS] No.
- [VIKTOR] Do you realize what you've done?
[OVERLAPPING SHOUTING]
- Hey. All right!
- Hey, get off!
[VISCOUS SPLATTERING]
Dude! I live here!
The fact is you're all too
busy living in loser mindset
to realize we're much
better off this way.
That wasn't your decision to make.
Give me one good reason why we
shouldn't have our powers back.
I don't know. Maybe because
we ended the world three times.
We also saved it three times.
Well, that part's
highly debatable, Diego.
Forget about saving the world.
I just spent five years
building a life for myself.
A real life.
Away from all this, away
from Dad, away from our past.
And you had to go and fuck
it all up with one sake bomb!
Look. I was trying to help.
No, no, no. Viktor's right.
None of us asked for this.
I could have lost my job.
- Did you?
- Wha
Well, actually, no.
My boss bumped me up from
brunch buffet to prime time.
And I have been booked in Atlantic
City next weekend. But still!
[BEN] Come on, Allison.
You can't tell me you're
not a little bit glad
to have your powers back
after all these years?
Why would I be, Benjamin? Why
would I want my powers back?
Maybe you can rumor
your way out of those
corny-ass laundry commercials you do
and finally get off the B-list.
The
[SMARMY LAUGHTER]
The B-list? Excuse me.
I I am the face of
a national campaign,
something that I made
happen out of nothing
while you were too busy playing
backgammon with Bernie Madoff.
Tell him, sister.
Wow.
All right, all right,
Klaus. Come on, Klaus.
My brother, it's not too late
for you to get in on this action.
- I told you. It's not gonna happen.
- Why not?
Maybe with your powers back,
you won't have to keep living
life like a human sippy cup.
Huh?
It's a slippery slope. All right?
Into what?
Powers, ghosts, drugs, sex, oblivion.
It's one big spicy gumbo of bad,
and I'm not going
back to that old Klaus.
I like this Klaus. "Hey,
he collects coupons."
"He's frugal, respectable, reliable."
"And most importantly, he's
a Klaus that Claire likes."
- And trusts and looks up to.
- [STOMACH RUMBLING]
Guys, Ben doesn't look so hot.
- [BEN RETCHING]
- [ALL EXCLAIMING]
[LUTHER] Come on.
It's okay. I just need to lie down.
- [KLAUS] Get him on this. Lay him down.
- [TURBULENT GURGLING]
Whoa! What do we do? Call 911?
[BEN] No, no, no, no!
No cops! [GAGS]
All right. We need to go
back to the dry cleaners
and get more information.
[DIEGO] Agreed. I'll drive.
Let's roll, mofos.
[KLAUS] Let's get him
out of here, quick.
[BEN] Watch the tentacles.
[EXASPERATED SIGH]
The state of the place.
Hey.
- You okay?
- [VIKTOR SIGHS]
No, not really.
[SIGHS] Yeah, I know.
Come on. Let's go
figure this out together.
You wanna get changed first?
Right.
[DRAMATIC, ROUSING MUSIC PLAYING]
Just Just let me do
[ALLISON] Well, looks
like Sy flew the coop.
Or somebody got to him.
He did say he was in danger.
Look at this. New Grumpson, Maine.
- [DIEGO] The hell's in New Grumpson?
- [LILA] Maybe Sy's daughter, Jennifer.
Or maybe that's where our
dry cleaner scampered off to.
Or maybe this is all one big setup.
Well, there's only one way to find out.
Hell yeah.
Road trip.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Really? Are we really doing this?
Hell yeah, we're doing this.
You do realize we have
three small children, yeah?
Lila.
Look, hey. Today's Wednesday, okay?
The twins have garden club,
and Grace has gymnastics, okay?
Uncle Lenny can pick 'em up, okay?
Yes. But wait, that's not the point.
That is the point.
Look, I spend all day every
day with your family, all right?
And I never ever complain, all right?
You complain all the time.
Okay, okay. Well, look,
this is my family.
[KLAUS] I only have one
spare pair of underwear.
- You'll be fine.
- [KLAUS] It might not be enough.
All right? And I want
you to come with me.
[SIGHS] Uncle Lenny, huh?
Just you and me. Like
the old days. No kids.
[GAGGING]
No kids.
[SIGHS] Okay.
- [DIEGO] Listen, people!
- Road trip?
First mission back, baby!
- We're back.
- [FIVE] Car.
[DIEGO] Out the way.
- Get in!
- [LILA] I'm in the front!
Everyone in!
- Why are you yelling?
- First mission back!
- [GRUNTS]
- [BEN] Shut up!
Get in the car and turn on the heat.
Okay.
- All right.
- We're doing it.
First mission back!
Why are you so loud?
[LILA CHEERING]
Yeah!
Hell yes! Let's go kill this bitch!
[ENGINE IDLING]
This is a rescue mission.
Right. Yeah, sorry.
["BABY SHARK" BY PINKFONG PLAYING]
Baby shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Baby shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Baby shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Baby shark! ♪
Mommy shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Mommy shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Mommy shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Mommy shark! ♪
Daddy shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
[VIKTOR] God! Will you
please turn that song off?
I can't. It's stuck.
Daddy shark! ♪
Grandma shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Grandma shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
[TRANQUIL SILENCE]
Grandma shark! ♪
Grandpa shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Grandpa shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Grandpa shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Grandpa shark! ♪
- Let's go hunt ♪
- [BEN'S STOMACH GURGLING]
Let's go hunt, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Let's go hunt! ♪
Run away, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Run away, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Run away, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Run away! ♪
[TURBULENT GURGLING]
- Diego, will you change that song?
- I can't!
Safe at last,
doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Oh my God, that smells rancid.
What? You don't like my
kale-kiwi-carrot-cabbage kombucha?
It's good for the soul
and great for the bowels.
Diego?
- [WET GURGLING]
- Uh Maybe, uh, pull over.
Can't. We're making good time.
Okay. Well, I'm gonna hurl.
Can you pull over? I need to pee.
You don't want a sippy of this
potent elixir? So good for you.
- All right. Heads up. Here.
- Oh no.
- You know what it is. Right. Use it.
- Not the pee bottle.
[DISGUSTED CLAMORING]
Pull over, man.
We are sticking to the itinerary.
Five, open the window.
Open the window.
Oh God!
Open it!
Please!
What the Did you just
break the window, man?
Hey, you spilled my kombucha!
Hey.
[DIEGO YELLS]
Everyone, hold it in!
Run away, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Pull over, pull over!
We're making good time!
- [ENERGY THRUMMING]
- [DIEGO] Stop puking!
- [ALL SCREAMING]
- ["BABY SHARK" HALTS]
Son of a bitch!
[BRAKES SCREECH]
All right, enough! Okay?
No more fighting!
And no more puking, all right?
And no no more powers.
Not until we get to Maine. We'll
get there. We'll find this girl.
After that, we'll go
back to our regular lives.
Are we clear?
[STERNLY] Are we clear?
- Yes.
- Yeah.
Good.
[DIEGO'S STOMACH GURGLING]
[KLAUS] Ahh!
- Wipe?
- We've run out of baby wipes.
Here you go. I gotcha, buddy.
[KLAUS] Where's he going?
What are we supposed to do? Turn around?
No. We've come this far.
It's only another 13
hours to New Grumpson.
[BEN] Jesus.
[ALL GROANING]
[SOFTLY] I think she's cheating on me.
Lila.
She goes places at night.
She goes places, and she lies about it.
You know, she's got that book club.
Yeah, what is it? A
book club of two, Five?
- What are you talking about?
- Last night, I followed her.
She was in some café with some guy.
Some Greek-looking son of a
bitch with a creepy mustache.
- The mustache was creepy?
- Oh yeah.
Sleazy as hell. Just
pencil-thin. You know what I mean?
Diego, whatever this is,
trust me it's nothing.
[DELICATE, INTROSPECTIVE MUSIC PLAYING]
You guys got the house, a family.
Only an idiot throws that away.
Lila is no idiot.
So am I supposed to just
ignore it? Say nothing?
[FIVE] That would be correct. Bury it.
Deep.
Cover that shit with concrete.
You're a good brother.
[CRYPTIC, SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]
No Sy Grossman listed. No
Jennifer Grossman either.
Well, we'll have a look around.
If she's here, we'll find her.
This is why you do recon, assholes.
Recon? Why are you saying
"recon"? We're not the A-Team.
Oh really?
- Shit. You fooled me.
- [DIEGO] At least we still have a team.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- [LUTHER] Okay, everybody.
- Look over here and smile!
- [ALLISON] What?
- No.
- [LUTHER] Smile!
You know what? Screw this.
One or two of you are fine.
But all of you together?
You're a bunch of
drooling, stunted toddlers.
I'm going back to my penthouse downtown.
Ben, that penthouse belongs
to the federal government now.
Shut the hell up, Luther.
All right.
[STIFLED SNICKERING]
- [LILA GUFFAWS]
- [KLAUS] Aw.
Poor Ben-arino.
We're better off without him!
He's right.
All right, everyone. Let's
split up and look for this girl.
- [DIEGO'S BELT STRAINING]
- [LUTHER] Let's be discreet.
If you find her or the dry cleaner
guy, don't do anything on your own.
- [DIEGO] I can't feel my legs.
- Let's wait for the team.
[ALLISON] Oh, sweet Jesus.
- [WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
- Like a glove.
Sure. Like OJ's glove.
[ALLISON STIFLES CHUCKLE]
Here. You're in charge of Wanda.
Don't go anywhere without us.
You do realize you're waddling? Yeah?
[DIEGO] Yeah. Just
trying to walk like you.
[ALLISON] Let's just find this
Jennifer and get out of here.
- [LUTHER] Use one of those knives
- [KLAUS] Good luck. Don't get killed.
[CAROLERS] The angels did say ♪
Was to certain poor shepherds ♪
In fields as they lay ♪
In fields where they lay ♪
Lay keeping their sheep ♪
On a cold winter's night ♪
That was so deep ♪
Noel, Noel ♪
Noel, Noel ♪
Born is the King of Israel ♪
[COOK] Here you go.
Jingle bell, jingle bell ♪
Jingle bell rock ♪
Jingle bells swing ♪
And jingle bells ring ♪
Snowin' and blowin'
up bushels of fun ♪
Now, the jingle hop has begun ♪
- Jingle bell, jingle bell ♪
- First time to New Grumpson?
Don't take this wrong,
but I don't have the bandwidth
for whimsical small-town bullshit.
[WAITRESS] Don't mind
him. He likes to talk.
Huh?
Gary. Head of the Rotary Club.
Didn't have to bite his head off.
No, but if I didn't, he'd still
be talking to me instead of you.
Buddy I'm gonna let you
in on a little secret, okay?
This is not the kind of place
where the customer is always right.
It's the kind of place where
the customer is frequently wrong,
and when he's rude,
he gets boiling liquids poured
down the front of his chinos.
You know what? Your attitude sucks.
Where's your manager?
Oh boy. Bad move.
Not only am I the manager,
but I'm also the owner.
So, if you're worried about
somebody threatening your person,
I would love to call the police.
- Have them sort it out.
- No. No cops.
That won't be necessary.
Well, then may I suggest
being nicer to Gary.
He's the town sheriff.
[PEPPY HOLIDAY MUSIC CONTINUING]
Of course.
- What a bright time ♪
- [GARY CHUCKLING]
[LUTHER] Wow. Talk about a hidden gem.
Sloane would have loved it here.
[GASPS] Wow!
[LUTHER CHORTLES]
[APPRECIATIVELY] Oh!
Look at the craftsmanship.
You know, it's, um
It's good to see you.
I'm really happy that you're doing well.
Yeah. It's been a minute.
Yeah.
You didn't think to call or
Phones work both ways,
you know. [CHUCKLES]
Fair enough. [WRY CHUCKLE]
Look.
You did what you did.
I get it. You got Claire and Ray.
And things worked out fine for me too.
Like, I'm happy.
But we're not friends.
And that sucks, but it doesn't
have to be some huge thing.
We ship anywhere in the continental USA.
Oh! Great. Thanks.
Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
'Tis the season to be jolly ♪
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
Don we now our gay apparel ♪
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la ♪
Troll the ancient Yule-tide carol ♪
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
Fast away the old year passes ♪
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
Hail the new year lads and lasses ♪
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
All right. I got Grace
and the twins covered.
- You want one?
- No, thanks.
Heedless of the wind and weather ♪
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
Hmm.
Oh God. I mean, that's obvious.
I haven't been laid in months.
[BRIGHT, QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING]
The Tower.
Loss of self-control.
Come on, baby. Come
on. Give me a good
Oh shit!
Card of Death.
Oh God.
All right.
Well, that's enough tarot for one day.
I think I'll just leave that there.
[SIGHS]
Come on. Where are they?
[DARK, MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[MARIGOLD THRUMMING]
Hey, old friend.
No, not today.
[PEPPY HOLIDAY MUSIC
PLAYING IN BACKGROUND]
Look, I've had a rough couple of days.
Years, really.
But that's no reason
to take it out on you.
Well, everybody's had
a rough couple years.
What's special about you?
Uh
I got caught up in a little
international wire fraud thing.
[CHUCKLES] Oh my God.
You're the SparrowBit guy.
- I saw you on the news
- Keep your voice down.
You're a piece of shit.
Mmm. God. How'd you get
people to buy into your scam?
It wasn't a scam.
[ROSIE] Mmm.
There's some inherent risk in crypto,
but how can you really put a
price on true economic freedom?
Wow. You really buy your own bullshit.
Oh, come on.
Everyone wants to mogul-up, don't you?
[CHUCKLES RUEFULLY]
I mean, there was a time
I wanted to leave town,
see what's out there.
But
that ship has sailed.
I bought this place. Rent is cheap.
Uncle Gary's weird, but he's family.
"Family"?
He's my step-uncle.
Raised me since I was six.
Folks died when I was young.
Oops. Got serious on you.
No.
I get it.
I didn't have a normal family either.
What time does that bus get here again?
Not that I'm in a hurry or anything.
That bus hasn't stopped here in years.
What?
I keep the sign up for tourists.
You know, they sit, they wait,
they get hungry. They come in.
Impressed.
I could have really
used you at SparrowBit.
[CHUCKLES]
Do you think there's a market
for an erotic dance studio
in a town this size?
[VIKTOR] Doubt it, Luther.
Can we just get out of here?
Yeah, sure. Just give me a
second. This place is a gold mine.
[ALLISON] Excuse me.
Do you happen to know somebody
by the name of Jennifer Grossman?
I can't say that I do.
- Excuse me.
- Oh. Yeah, sorry.
[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]
[CAROLERS] See the
blazing Yule before us ♪
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
Strike the harp and
join the chorus ♪
Blink. Just blink.
[LILA] Doing your Kegels
in public now, are we?
You know, just trying to stay limber.
Not give myself deep vein thrombosis.
Mmm. At your age, you
gotta look out for that.
What do you want, Lila?
I just wanted to say thank you.
For what?
For not outing me in front of
my idiot husband the other night.
Oh. Well, standard operating procedure.
Hey, so how worried do
you think we have to be
about this Cleanse thing?
Hard to say. You know, I used to
think the Keepers were 90% batshit,
but since I've been
roofied with dodgy marigold,
and I'm shooting laser beams out
of my eyeballs, I'll give 'em 50/50.
Right. Well, after this, we'll
go back, find Jean and Gene.
- Diego.
- What are you two talking about?
Trying to decide which
festive drink to partake in.
And?
Well, mulled wine for
myself. Eggnog for the lady.
You hate eggnog.
I'm trying new things.
I'm sure you are.
Ah
[LOW, UNNERVING MUSIC PLAYING]
That elf.
He's staring right at us.
- Who?
- [FIVE] That elf over there.
He's been staring at us.
How much wine have you had?
Stop being weird.
Trust me. There's
something up with this guy.
[LILA] Maybe he likes you.
[GASPS] Look at this sconce!
Luther, not now.
[LUTHER] Just like
the one from the house.
The one Lila lasered with her eyeballs.
- These aren't easy to find.
- [FIVE] What is she doing?
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
Heedless of the wind and weather ♪
[SLOWLY, SINISTERLY]
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
[CAROUSEL BRAKE SCREECHES]
[FIVE] Oh shit.
Guys?
- [DIRE, OMINOUS MUSIC INTENSIFYING]
- [RIFLE COCKS]
Come on, let's get out of here!
- There's two of 'em!
- [VIKTOR] Go!
[VIKTOR] Allison!
[GUNS COCKING]
- We should go!
- Come on!
What's going on?
[FIVE] Gotta be Sy the
dry cleaner. He screwed us!
Diego!
- What's going on?
- We've got to get you to safety now.
Hey. Let me go.
Hey, you heard her. Let her go.
[BEN GROANS, TENTACLES SHRIEKING]
- [DIEGO] Lila, use your eyeball thing.
- I'm trying!
Where the hell is Five?
I don't know!
[ATONAL, CRYPTIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[WARPED VOICE SPEAKING
BACKWARDS OVER PA]
[SUBWAY ALERT CHIMES]
[WARPED VOICE SPEAKING
BACKWARDS OVER PA]
- Come on. Let's go. Come on.
- No. I said get off of me!
Don't shoot!
Everybody, stay calm.
Uncle Gary, what is this?
It's okay, honey. We're
just here to protect you.
From what?
I will explain everything later.
Now, just get away from him.
What are you?
It's okay.
You can trust me.
Don't listen to him.
Come with us.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[GARY] Don't do it.
Don't do it.
No!
Remember, we can't hurt the girl.
They're heading
eastbound on Main Street.
[UNSETTLING AUDIO DISTORTION TRILLING]
[ENIGMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
The hell?
[UPBEAT, FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY]
[FIVE] What
Where is everyone?
Same day.
[CLOCK TOLLING]
Same time.
- [WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY]
- [FRAUGHT MUSIC BUILDING]
A different timeline.
[SUBWAY ALERT CHIMES]
[AGITATED YELLING]
Hey! Don't worry.
I'm gonna go out, okay? You wait there.
No, you stay. I'm gonna go.
No, you stay. I go.
Don't tell me what to do!
Just let me make my own
choices for now, okay?
I have laser eyes! I'm
more powerful than you!
- They're not even working!
- They're gonna work! I feel it!
Why can't I just do something
for myself right now?
You'd never do anything
if I didn't tell you to!
I take out the trash!
This isn't about you!
- Stay! Stay!
- No!
Listen to me for once
in your goddamn life!
[DIEGO YELLS, DISTORTED]
Did you see that?
[GUN COCKS]
[TENSE, UNEASY MUSIC PLAYING]
[HIGH-PITCHED WHINE]
Yes!
Really? You gotta one-up me like that?
[CHUCKLES WRYLY]
[LILA] It stings a bit.
- It does.
- [DIEGO] Come on.
[LILA] Oh my God.
[LILA GAGGING]
- [KLAUS ON TAPE] I'm a wonderful person.
- [SERENE SITAR MUSIC PLAYING]
I am good enough to
live this wonderful life.
No, I will not look outward
but rather inward to the lives.
- [WOMAN] Help! Help!
- This life is worth living right now.
[PANTING] Help me! Help me, please!
I know.
Help!
Jennifer?
Yes! Yes! Yes!
They're trying to kill me.
Help get me out of here.
Jennifer! Oh my God! We've
been looking everywhere for you!
Man, am I good.
We have to go now!
I know, but we have
to wait for my family
because I have a terrible track
record of abandoning my post.
You don't understand.
They're going to kill me.
- I know. We just gotta wait.
- [BEN] Klaus!
Klaus, you idiot! Start the van!
Hey, hey, I did it! I found Jennifer!
[DIEGO] Klaus! Klaus!
Start the van!
Jennifer? Her name's not
Jennifer. I'm Jennifer.
I thought you were Rosie.
That's just the name I put on my
name tag so guys don't stalk me.
Oh, so wait.
My mistake. You are
You shouldn't have come here.
- [GUNSHOT REVERBERATING]
- [SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING]
[DIEGO, BEN] Klaus!
- Let me go!
- You can't trust these people.
Come with me. I will keep you safe.
[KLAUS GASPING FOR BREATH]
[DIEGO] Shit.
He's bleeding out!
Come on. You're not safe here. Let's go.
Come on. Let's get you in the van.
[WEAKLY] Ow!
- Come on!
- All right. Help me up.
- All right.
- [BEN] Get him in the van!
Let's go!
Get in, get in.
Put pressure on the
wound. Watch your hands.
[ALLISON] The hell is this place?
[LUTHER] Who the hell are these people?
- Oh! [GAGS]
- [COUGHS FORCEFULLY]
[CHILLING MUSIC PLAYING]
[LUTHER] Dad?
No.
[BOTH] What?
Oh shit! Get down! [ECHOING]
[LUTHER GRUNTING]
[TOWNSFOLK SCREAMING]
[EERIE AUDIO DISTORTION]
What the hell? [ASSAILANT GRUNTS]
Well, my new power's dope.
[DISTANT JINGLING]
[HARSH, UNSETTLING MUSIC PLAYING]
Five, get in here!
[DIRE, SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]
I can't hold things much longer!
["BABY SHARK" PLAYING]
Baby shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Baby shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
[BELLOWS]
Mommy shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Mommy shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Mommy shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Mommy shark! ♪
Get in!
Go, go! Go!
Daddy shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Daddy shark! ♪
Grandma shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Grandma shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Grandma shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Grandma shark! ♪
[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
Guys, he's dying!
Five, marigold!
- On it. Yeah.
- No! He doesn't want that.
You can't just let him
die. He stopped breathing.
[FIVE] Do it.
He's right. Give it to him.
- What are you waiting for?
- Okay, okay, okay!
[MARIGOLD THRUMMING]
[ALLISON] I'm so sorry, Klaus.
Klaus?
Hey. Klaus.
Klaus, come on.
Come on.
Klaus.
- [GASPING]
- [ALL YELPING]
[LUTHER] You okay?
Thank God.
- [LUTHER LAUGHING GIDDILY]
- [KLAUS WHEEZING]
- He's good.
- [SPLUTTERING] What did you do?
[LUTHER] You're okay. You're okay.
- [LILA] You're good.
- [KLAUS] What did you do?
[ALLISON] I saved your life.
[GENTLE, HOPEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Well, that was a weird fuckin' town.
You know it was all Hargreeves goons?
You know, I should have known.
Those sconces were too perfect.
At least we got who we came for.
Oh yeah. Good job, buddy. You found her.
Hey, we're gonna get you back
to your dad safe and sound.
My dad?
Yeah, Sy Grossman.
Who?
["CAROL OF THE BELLS"
PLAYING IN UKRAINIAN]
[DARK, FOREBODING HOLIDAY MUSIC TOLLING]
[DIEGO GRUNTING]
[WEAKLY] Help me, Ben.
[SIGHS WEARILY]
Nancy, Nancy, Nancy.
Nancy?
[FULL CHOIR SINGING SONOROUSLY]
[ENGINE TURNING OVER]
[CLEAR, RINGING VOCALIZATIONS]
[RIVETING ROCK VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYING]
[ALARM BLARING]
[QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING]
[EXHALES HEAVILY]
[GROANS]
[BLEARILY] Oh no. Oh no.
Oh, teppanyaki.
[GROANS] Shit.
Luther. What's the matter with you?
Sorry, I'm I'm going.
I told you, no drugs unless
you're buying from me.
No, no. I just had had
a family reunion last night.
- Shut up and get on stage.
- Okay.
[EMCEE] Ladies and gentlemen,
the astronaut with the
biggest rocket in his pocket.
Put your hands together for Spaceboy!
["POWERED UP" BY COBRA MAN PLAYING]
- [ROWDY, BOISTEROUS ROCK PLAYING]
- [TEPID APPLAUSE]
I'm coming back on top ♪
And I'm flipping the switch ♪
I turn the voltage up ♪
Raise the hair on your neck ♪
'Cause I was dying from the start ♪
[PATRON GASPS]
But I made lightning ♪
[PATRONS CHEERING]
In the dark ♪
We're powered up ♪
- Shock me, baby, all night ♪
- We're powered up ♪
All night ♪
Shock me, baby, all night ♪
Yeah!
[DIEGO GRUNTING IN EXCITEMENT]
I'm back!
Sy Grossman?
He checks out. He's a legit taxpayer.
I'll be damned.
My circuit's running hot ♪
And I'm plugging you in ♪
What the
[GRUNTING]
You feeling okay, Mr. Five?
[WEAKLY] No. I don't think I am.
Tell boss I'm taking a sick day.
[PATRONS WHOOPING]
Since when does the old guy have moves?
Powered up ♪
[WHOOPING, CHEERING HALT]
[PANICKED SCREAMING]
No! No! No! No! No! No!
You son of a bitch!
No!
[SONG TRAILS OFF]
[OVERLAPPING ARGUING]
Someone explain what the
hell is going on here quick.
Well, Viktor, that's what
we're all trying to figure out.
Oh God, don't look at me.
No one's blaming you, Luther.
No! I mean, don't look
at me! I'm hideous.
[FIVE] At least you're
back to your old self.
The rest of us feel like someone
injected motor oil in our veins.
It's so strange. Because
I, for once, feel fantastic.
Yeah? Well, you think you got problems?
- Look at this.
- Oh wait. No!
[ALL EXCLAIMING]
[LUTHER] Hey, hey, hey, hey! Not inside!
What?
What the hell?
- I'm sorry.
- Whoa!
Whoa!
Turn it off!
I don't know how!
- [LILA'S EYE BEAMS BLIP]
- [PANTING]
[SIGHS]
There.
Oh, sorry about that.
- [FIVE] Be careful.
- [DIEGO] How do you do that?
A gun to my head, I couldn't tell you.
Oh, come on! It took me months
to find these original sconces!
I don't give a shit about your sconces.
I want answers now.
[ENERGY WHOOSHING]
[ALL] Whoa, whoa, whoa!
[KLAUS] Breathe.
[ALLISON] Viktor, easy.
Relax, Kodiak Jack.
[UNDERSTATED, SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]
It was me.
[MARIGOLD THRUMMING]
[BEN] I know you're all too terminally
emo to do what had to be done,
so I made an executive decision and
spiked your sake with the marigold.
[GASPS]
[GROANS]
Why am I not surprised?
You had no right to do that, asshole!
Oh, trust me, you'll thank me later.
Yeah, or I'll kick your ass right now.
Oh yeah. Now, that I would love to see.
[BEN CHUCKLES]
- Ugh!
- [BEN GROANS]
What is with the tails?
I don't know. They won't go back in!
Oh! God. Why is it cold?
The real question is,
why would you touch it?
Forget about my tails, all right?
I haven't felt this good in years.
Maybe you guys need to take some more.
Okay, you know what? Give me that.
Wait a minute. Hold on.
Klaus, why aren't you sick?
Here's to the non-existent
Umbrella Academy.
Kanpai!
[ALL] Kanpai!
[KLAUS] Well, because
one sake bomb is too many,
and a thousand is just never enough.
[ALLISON] You didn't drink.
- [KLAUS] No.
- [VIKTOR] Do you realize what you've done?
[OVERLAPPING SHOUTING]
- Hey. All right!
- Hey, get off!
[VISCOUS SPLATTERING]
Dude! I live here!
The fact is you're all too
busy living in loser mindset
to realize we're much
better off this way.
That wasn't your decision to make.
Give me one good reason why we
shouldn't have our powers back.
I don't know. Maybe because
we ended the world three times.
We also saved it three times.
Well, that part's
highly debatable, Diego.
Forget about saving the world.
I just spent five years
building a life for myself.
A real life.
Away from all this, away
from Dad, away from our past.
And you had to go and fuck
it all up with one sake bomb!
Look. I was trying to help.
No, no, no. Viktor's right.
None of us asked for this.
I could have lost my job.
- Did you?
- Wha
Well, actually, no.
My boss bumped me up from
brunch buffet to prime time.
And I have been booked in Atlantic
City next weekend. But still!
[BEN] Come on, Allison.
You can't tell me you're
not a little bit glad
to have your powers back
after all these years?
Why would I be, Benjamin? Why
would I want my powers back?
Maybe you can rumor
your way out of those
corny-ass laundry commercials you do
and finally get off the B-list.
The
[SMARMY LAUGHTER]
The B-list? Excuse me.
I I am the face of
a national campaign,
something that I made
happen out of nothing
while you were too busy playing
backgammon with Bernie Madoff.
Tell him, sister.
Wow.
All right, all right,
Klaus. Come on, Klaus.
My brother, it's not too late
for you to get in on this action.
- I told you. It's not gonna happen.
- Why not?
Maybe with your powers back,
you won't have to keep living
life like a human sippy cup.
Huh?
It's a slippery slope. All right?
Into what?
Powers, ghosts, drugs, sex, oblivion.
It's one big spicy gumbo of bad,
and I'm not going
back to that old Klaus.
I like this Klaus. "Hey,
he collects coupons."
"He's frugal, respectable, reliable."
"And most importantly, he's
a Klaus that Claire likes."
- And trusts and looks up to.
- [STOMACH RUMBLING]
Guys, Ben doesn't look so hot.
- [BEN RETCHING]
- [ALL EXCLAIMING]
[LUTHER] Come on.
It's okay. I just need to lie down.
- [KLAUS] Get him on this. Lay him down.
- [TURBULENT GURGLING]
Whoa! What do we do? Call 911?
[BEN] No, no, no, no!
No cops! [GAGS]
All right. We need to go
back to the dry cleaners
and get more information.
[DIEGO] Agreed. I'll drive.
Let's roll, mofos.
[KLAUS] Let's get him
out of here, quick.
[BEN] Watch the tentacles.
[EXASPERATED SIGH]
The state of the place.
Hey.
- You okay?
- [VIKTOR SIGHS]
No, not really.
[SIGHS] Yeah, I know.
Come on. Let's go
figure this out together.
You wanna get changed first?
Right.
[DRAMATIC, ROUSING MUSIC PLAYING]
Just Just let me do
[ALLISON] Well, looks
like Sy flew the coop.
Or somebody got to him.
He did say he was in danger.
Look at this. New Grumpson, Maine.
- [DIEGO] The hell's in New Grumpson?
- [LILA] Maybe Sy's daughter, Jennifer.
Or maybe that's where our
dry cleaner scampered off to.
Or maybe this is all one big setup.
Well, there's only one way to find out.
Hell yeah.
Road trip.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Really? Are we really doing this?
Hell yeah, we're doing this.
You do realize we have
three small children, yeah?
Lila.
Look, hey. Today's Wednesday, okay?
The twins have garden club,
and Grace has gymnastics, okay?
Uncle Lenny can pick 'em up, okay?
Yes. But wait, that's not the point.
That is the point.
Look, I spend all day every
day with your family, all right?
And I never ever complain, all right?
You complain all the time.
Okay, okay. Well, look,
this is my family.
[KLAUS] I only have one
spare pair of underwear.
- You'll be fine.
- [KLAUS] It might not be enough.
All right? And I want
you to come with me.
[SIGHS] Uncle Lenny, huh?
Just you and me. Like
the old days. No kids.
[GAGGING]
No kids.
[SIGHS] Okay.
- [DIEGO] Listen, people!
- Road trip?
First mission back, baby!
- We're back.
- [FIVE] Car.
[DIEGO] Out the way.
- Get in!
- [LILA] I'm in the front!
Everyone in!
- Why are you yelling?
- First mission back!
- [GRUNTS]
- [BEN] Shut up!
Get in the car and turn on the heat.
Okay.
- All right.
- We're doing it.
First mission back!
Why are you so loud?
[LILA CHEERING]
Yeah!
Hell yes! Let's go kill this bitch!
[ENGINE IDLING]
This is a rescue mission.
Right. Yeah, sorry.
["BABY SHARK" BY PINKFONG PLAYING]
Baby shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Baby shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Baby shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Baby shark! ♪
Mommy shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Mommy shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Mommy shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Mommy shark! ♪
Daddy shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
[VIKTOR] God! Will you
please turn that song off?
I can't. It's stuck.
Daddy shark! ♪
Grandma shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Grandma shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
[TRANQUIL SILENCE]
Grandma shark! ♪
Grandpa shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Grandpa shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Grandpa shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Grandpa shark! ♪
- Let's go hunt ♪
- [BEN'S STOMACH GURGLING]
Let's go hunt, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Let's go hunt! ♪
Run away, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Run away, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Run away, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Run away! ♪
[TURBULENT GURGLING]
- Diego, will you change that song?
- I can't!
Safe at last,
doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Oh my God, that smells rancid.
What? You don't like my
kale-kiwi-carrot-cabbage kombucha?
It's good for the soul
and great for the bowels.
Diego?
- [WET GURGLING]
- Uh Maybe, uh, pull over.
Can't. We're making good time.
Okay. Well, I'm gonna hurl.
Can you pull over? I need to pee.
You don't want a sippy of this
potent elixir? So good for you.
- All right. Heads up. Here.
- Oh no.
- You know what it is. Right. Use it.
- Not the pee bottle.
[DISGUSTED CLAMORING]
Pull over, man.
We are sticking to the itinerary.
Five, open the window.
Open the window.
Oh God!
Open it!
Please!
What the Did you just
break the window, man?
Hey, you spilled my kombucha!
Hey.
[DIEGO YELLS]
Everyone, hold it in!
Run away, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Pull over, pull over!
We're making good time!
- [ENERGY THRUMMING]
- [DIEGO] Stop puking!
- [ALL SCREAMING]
- ["BABY SHARK" HALTS]
Son of a bitch!
[BRAKES SCREECH]
All right, enough! Okay?
No more fighting!
And no more puking, all right?
And no no more powers.
Not until we get to Maine. We'll
get there. We'll find this girl.
After that, we'll go
back to our regular lives.
Are we clear?
[STERNLY] Are we clear?
- Yes.
- Yeah.
Good.
[DIEGO'S STOMACH GURGLING]
[KLAUS] Ahh!
- Wipe?
- We've run out of baby wipes.
Here you go. I gotcha, buddy.
[KLAUS] Where's he going?
What are we supposed to do? Turn around?
No. We've come this far.
It's only another 13
hours to New Grumpson.
[BEN] Jesus.
[ALL GROANING]
[SOFTLY] I think she's cheating on me.
Lila.
She goes places at night.
She goes places, and she lies about it.
You know, she's got that book club.
Yeah, what is it? A
book club of two, Five?
- What are you talking about?
- Last night, I followed her.
She was in some café with some guy.
Some Greek-looking son of a
bitch with a creepy mustache.
- The mustache was creepy?
- Oh yeah.
Sleazy as hell. Just
pencil-thin. You know what I mean?
Diego, whatever this is,
trust me it's nothing.
[DELICATE, INTROSPECTIVE MUSIC PLAYING]
You guys got the house, a family.
Only an idiot throws that away.
Lila is no idiot.
So am I supposed to just
ignore it? Say nothing?
[FIVE] That would be correct. Bury it.
Deep.
Cover that shit with concrete.
You're a good brother.
[CRYPTIC, SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]
No Sy Grossman listed. No
Jennifer Grossman either.
Well, we'll have a look around.
If she's here, we'll find her.
This is why you do recon, assholes.
Recon? Why are you saying
"recon"? We're not the A-Team.
Oh really?
- Shit. You fooled me.
- [DIEGO] At least we still have a team.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- [LUTHER] Okay, everybody.
- Look over here and smile!
- [ALLISON] What?
- No.
- [LUTHER] Smile!
You know what? Screw this.
One or two of you are fine.
But all of you together?
You're a bunch of
drooling, stunted toddlers.
I'm going back to my penthouse downtown.
Ben, that penthouse belongs
to the federal government now.
Shut the hell up, Luther.
All right.
[STIFLED SNICKERING]
- [LILA GUFFAWS]
- [KLAUS] Aw.
Poor Ben-arino.
We're better off without him!
He's right.
All right, everyone. Let's
split up and look for this girl.
- [DIEGO'S BELT STRAINING]
- [LUTHER] Let's be discreet.
If you find her or the dry cleaner
guy, don't do anything on your own.
- [DIEGO] I can't feel my legs.
- Let's wait for the team.
[ALLISON] Oh, sweet Jesus.
- [WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
- Like a glove.
Sure. Like OJ's glove.
[ALLISON STIFLES CHUCKLE]
Here. You're in charge of Wanda.
Don't go anywhere without us.
You do realize you're waddling? Yeah?
[DIEGO] Yeah. Just
trying to walk like you.
[ALLISON] Let's just find this
Jennifer and get out of here.
- [LUTHER] Use one of those knives
- [KLAUS] Good luck. Don't get killed.
[CAROLERS] The angels did say ♪
Was to certain poor shepherds ♪
In fields as they lay ♪
In fields where they lay ♪
Lay keeping their sheep ♪
On a cold winter's night ♪
That was so deep ♪
Noel, Noel ♪
Noel, Noel ♪
Born is the King of Israel ♪
[COOK] Here you go.
Jingle bell, jingle bell ♪
Jingle bell rock ♪
Jingle bells swing ♪
And jingle bells ring ♪
Snowin' and blowin'
up bushels of fun ♪
Now, the jingle hop has begun ♪
- Jingle bell, jingle bell ♪
- First time to New Grumpson?
Don't take this wrong,
but I don't have the bandwidth
for whimsical small-town bullshit.
[WAITRESS] Don't mind
him. He likes to talk.
Huh?
Gary. Head of the Rotary Club.
Didn't have to bite his head off.
No, but if I didn't, he'd still
be talking to me instead of you.
Buddy I'm gonna let you
in on a little secret, okay?
This is not the kind of place
where the customer is always right.
It's the kind of place where
the customer is frequently wrong,
and when he's rude,
he gets boiling liquids poured
down the front of his chinos.
You know what? Your attitude sucks.
Where's your manager?
Oh boy. Bad move.
Not only am I the manager,
but I'm also the owner.
So, if you're worried about
somebody threatening your person,
I would love to call the police.
- Have them sort it out.
- No. No cops.
That won't be necessary.
Well, then may I suggest
being nicer to Gary.
He's the town sheriff.
[PEPPY HOLIDAY MUSIC CONTINUING]
Of course.
- What a bright time ♪
- [GARY CHUCKLING]
[LUTHER] Wow. Talk about a hidden gem.
Sloane would have loved it here.
[GASPS] Wow!
[LUTHER CHORTLES]
[APPRECIATIVELY] Oh!
Look at the craftsmanship.
You know, it's, um
It's good to see you.
I'm really happy that you're doing well.
Yeah. It's been a minute.
Yeah.
You didn't think to call or
Phones work both ways,
you know. [CHUCKLES]
Fair enough. [WRY CHUCKLE]
Look.
You did what you did.
I get it. You got Claire and Ray.
And things worked out fine for me too.
Like, I'm happy.
But we're not friends.
And that sucks, but it doesn't
have to be some huge thing.
We ship anywhere in the continental USA.
Oh! Great. Thanks.
Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
'Tis the season to be jolly ♪
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
Don we now our gay apparel ♪
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la ♪
Troll the ancient Yule-tide carol ♪
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
Fast away the old year passes ♪
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
Hail the new year lads and lasses ♪
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
All right. I got Grace
and the twins covered.
- You want one?
- No, thanks.
Heedless of the wind and weather ♪
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
Hmm.
Oh God. I mean, that's obvious.
I haven't been laid in months.
[BRIGHT, QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING]
The Tower.
Loss of self-control.
Come on, baby. Come
on. Give me a good
Oh shit!
Card of Death.
Oh God.
All right.
Well, that's enough tarot for one day.
I think I'll just leave that there.
[SIGHS]
Come on. Where are they?
[DARK, MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[MARIGOLD THRUMMING]
Hey, old friend.
No, not today.
[PEPPY HOLIDAY MUSIC
PLAYING IN BACKGROUND]
Look, I've had a rough couple of days.
Years, really.
But that's no reason
to take it out on you.
Well, everybody's had
a rough couple years.
What's special about you?
Uh
I got caught up in a little
international wire fraud thing.
[CHUCKLES] Oh my God.
You're the SparrowBit guy.
- I saw you on the news
- Keep your voice down.
You're a piece of shit.
Mmm. God. How'd you get
people to buy into your scam?
It wasn't a scam.
[ROSIE] Mmm.
There's some inherent risk in crypto,
but how can you really put a
price on true economic freedom?
Wow. You really buy your own bullshit.
Oh, come on.
Everyone wants to mogul-up, don't you?
[CHUCKLES RUEFULLY]
I mean, there was a time
I wanted to leave town,
see what's out there.
But
that ship has sailed.
I bought this place. Rent is cheap.
Uncle Gary's weird, but he's family.
"Family"?
He's my step-uncle.
Raised me since I was six.
Folks died when I was young.
Oops. Got serious on you.
No.
I get it.
I didn't have a normal family either.
What time does that bus get here again?
Not that I'm in a hurry or anything.
That bus hasn't stopped here in years.
What?
I keep the sign up for tourists.
You know, they sit, they wait,
they get hungry. They come in.
Impressed.
I could have really
used you at SparrowBit.
[CHUCKLES]
Do you think there's a market
for an erotic dance studio
in a town this size?
[VIKTOR] Doubt it, Luther.
Can we just get out of here?
Yeah, sure. Just give me a
second. This place is a gold mine.
[ALLISON] Excuse me.
Do you happen to know somebody
by the name of Jennifer Grossman?
I can't say that I do.
- Excuse me.
- Oh. Yeah, sorry.
[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]
[CAROLERS] See the
blazing Yule before us ♪
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
Strike the harp and
join the chorus ♪
Blink. Just blink.
[LILA] Doing your Kegels
in public now, are we?
You know, just trying to stay limber.
Not give myself deep vein thrombosis.
Mmm. At your age, you
gotta look out for that.
What do you want, Lila?
I just wanted to say thank you.
For what?
For not outing me in front of
my idiot husband the other night.
Oh. Well, standard operating procedure.
Hey, so how worried do
you think we have to be
about this Cleanse thing?
Hard to say. You know, I used to
think the Keepers were 90% batshit,
but since I've been
roofied with dodgy marigold,
and I'm shooting laser beams out
of my eyeballs, I'll give 'em 50/50.
Right. Well, after this, we'll
go back, find Jean and Gene.
- Diego.
- What are you two talking about?
Trying to decide which
festive drink to partake in.
And?
Well, mulled wine for
myself. Eggnog for the lady.
You hate eggnog.
I'm trying new things.
I'm sure you are.
Ah
[LOW, UNNERVING MUSIC PLAYING]
That elf.
He's staring right at us.
- Who?
- [FIVE] That elf over there.
He's been staring at us.
How much wine have you had?
Stop being weird.
Trust me. There's
something up with this guy.
[LILA] Maybe he likes you.
[GASPS] Look at this sconce!
Luther, not now.
[LUTHER] Just like
the one from the house.
The one Lila lasered with her eyeballs.
- These aren't easy to find.
- [FIVE] What is she doing?
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
Heedless of the wind and weather ♪
[SLOWLY, SINISTERLY]
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
[CAROUSEL BRAKE SCREECHES]
[FIVE] Oh shit.
Guys?
- [DIRE, OMINOUS MUSIC INTENSIFYING]
- [RIFLE COCKS]
Come on, let's get out of here!
- There's two of 'em!
- [VIKTOR] Go!
[VIKTOR] Allison!
[GUNS COCKING]
- We should go!
- Come on!
What's going on?
[FIVE] Gotta be Sy the
dry cleaner. He screwed us!
Diego!
- What's going on?
- We've got to get you to safety now.
Hey. Let me go.
Hey, you heard her. Let her go.
[BEN GROANS, TENTACLES SHRIEKING]
- [DIEGO] Lila, use your eyeball thing.
- I'm trying!
Where the hell is Five?
I don't know!
[ATONAL, CRYPTIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[WARPED VOICE SPEAKING
BACKWARDS OVER PA]
[SUBWAY ALERT CHIMES]
[WARPED VOICE SPEAKING
BACKWARDS OVER PA]
- Come on. Let's go. Come on.
- No. I said get off of me!
Don't shoot!
Everybody, stay calm.
Uncle Gary, what is this?
It's okay, honey. We're
just here to protect you.
From what?
I will explain everything later.
Now, just get away from him.
What are you?
It's okay.
You can trust me.
Don't listen to him.
Come with us.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[GARY] Don't do it.
Don't do it.
No!
Remember, we can't hurt the girl.
They're heading
eastbound on Main Street.
[UNSETTLING AUDIO DISTORTION TRILLING]
[ENIGMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
The hell?
[UPBEAT, FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY]
[FIVE] What
Where is everyone?
Same day.
[CLOCK TOLLING]
Same time.
- [WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY]
- [FRAUGHT MUSIC BUILDING]
A different timeline.
[SUBWAY ALERT CHIMES]
[AGITATED YELLING]
Hey! Don't worry.
I'm gonna go out, okay? You wait there.
No, you stay. I'm gonna go.
No, you stay. I go.
Don't tell me what to do!
Just let me make my own
choices for now, okay?
I have laser eyes! I'm
more powerful than you!
- They're not even working!
- They're gonna work! I feel it!
Why can't I just do something
for myself right now?
You'd never do anything
if I didn't tell you to!
I take out the trash!
This isn't about you!
- Stay! Stay!
- No!
Listen to me for once
in your goddamn life!
[DIEGO YELLS, DISTORTED]
Did you see that?
[GUN COCKS]
[TENSE, UNEASY MUSIC PLAYING]
[HIGH-PITCHED WHINE]
Yes!
Really? You gotta one-up me like that?
[CHUCKLES WRYLY]
[LILA] It stings a bit.
- It does.
- [DIEGO] Come on.
[LILA] Oh my God.
[LILA GAGGING]
- [KLAUS ON TAPE] I'm a wonderful person.
- [SERENE SITAR MUSIC PLAYING]
I am good enough to
live this wonderful life.
No, I will not look outward
but rather inward to the lives.
- [WOMAN] Help! Help!
- This life is worth living right now.
[PANTING] Help me! Help me, please!
I know.
Help!
Jennifer?
Yes! Yes! Yes!
They're trying to kill me.
Help get me out of here.
Jennifer! Oh my God! We've
been looking everywhere for you!
Man, am I good.
We have to go now!
I know, but we have
to wait for my family
because I have a terrible track
record of abandoning my post.
You don't understand.
They're going to kill me.
- I know. We just gotta wait.
- [BEN] Klaus!
Klaus, you idiot! Start the van!
Hey, hey, I did it! I found Jennifer!
[DIEGO] Klaus! Klaus!
Start the van!
Jennifer? Her name's not
Jennifer. I'm Jennifer.
I thought you were Rosie.
That's just the name I put on my
name tag so guys don't stalk me.
Oh, so wait.
My mistake. You are
You shouldn't have come here.
- [GUNSHOT REVERBERATING]
- [SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING]
[DIEGO, BEN] Klaus!
- Let me go!
- You can't trust these people.
Come with me. I will keep you safe.
[KLAUS GASPING FOR BREATH]
[DIEGO] Shit.
He's bleeding out!
Come on. You're not safe here. Let's go.
Come on. Let's get you in the van.
[WEAKLY] Ow!
- Come on!
- All right. Help me up.
- All right.
- [BEN] Get him in the van!
Let's go!
Get in, get in.
Put pressure on the
wound. Watch your hands.
[ALLISON] The hell is this place?
[LUTHER] Who the hell are these people?
- Oh! [GAGS]
- [COUGHS FORCEFULLY]
[CHILLING MUSIC PLAYING]
[LUTHER] Dad?
No.
[BOTH] What?
Oh shit! Get down! [ECHOING]
[LUTHER GRUNTING]
[TOWNSFOLK SCREAMING]
[EERIE AUDIO DISTORTION]
What the hell? [ASSAILANT GRUNTS]
Well, my new power's dope.
[DISTANT JINGLING]
[HARSH, UNSETTLING MUSIC PLAYING]
Five, get in here!
[DIRE, SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]
I can't hold things much longer!
["BABY SHARK" PLAYING]
Baby shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Baby shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
[BELLOWS]
Mommy shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Mommy shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Mommy shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Mommy shark! ♪
Get in!
Go, go! Go!
Daddy shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Daddy shark! ♪
Grandma shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Grandma shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Grandma shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Grandma shark! ♪
[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
Guys, he's dying!
Five, marigold!
- On it. Yeah.
- No! He doesn't want that.
You can't just let him
die. He stopped breathing.
[FIVE] Do it.
He's right. Give it to him.
- What are you waiting for?
- Okay, okay, okay!
[MARIGOLD THRUMMING]
[ALLISON] I'm so sorry, Klaus.
Klaus?
Hey. Klaus.
Klaus, come on.
Come on.
Klaus.
- [GASPING]
- [ALL YELPING]
[LUTHER] You okay?
Thank God.
- [LUTHER LAUGHING GIDDILY]
- [KLAUS WHEEZING]
- He's good.
- [SPLUTTERING] What did you do?
[LUTHER] You're okay. You're okay.
- [LILA] You're good.
- [KLAUS] What did you do?
[ALLISON] I saved your life.
[GENTLE, HOPEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Well, that was a weird fuckin' town.
You know it was all Hargreeves goons?
You know, I should have known.
Those sconces were too perfect.
At least we got who we came for.
Oh yeah. Good job, buddy. You found her.
Hey, we're gonna get you back
to your dad safe and sound.
My dad?
Yeah, Sy Grossman.
Who?
["CAROL OF THE BELLS"
PLAYING IN UKRAINIAN]
[DARK, FOREBODING HOLIDAY MUSIC TOLLING]
[DIEGO GRUNTING]
[WEAKLY] Help me, Ben.
[SIGHS WEARILY]
Nancy, Nancy, Nancy.
Nancy?
[FULL CHOIR SINGING SONOROUSLY]
[ENGINE TURNING OVER]
[CLEAR, RINGING VOCALIZATIONS]
[RIVETING ROCK VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYING]