The Wild Wild West (1965) s04e02 Episode Script
The Night of the Doomsday Formula
Daddy, where? is Dr.
Crane at home? No, no.
He isn't here yet.
Are you his daughter? I'm a government agent.
Is something wrong? No.
This is just routine regarding the arrangements for your father's security.
May? May I please come in and wait for him? Yeah.
Thank you.
I'm awfully sorry it's so late at night, Miss Crane, but I'm sure you realize how important your father is to our government.
No, thank you.
Yes, I I realize how important he is.
But I also know that he isn't well, and he should be sleeping right now instead of rushing off to midnight meetings with Secret Service agents.
Is that where your father is right now? Well, all I really know is that he He received this message from an agent named, West.
Not James West? Well, yes.
Do you know him? He's a colleague of mine.
Did your father happen to say where he was meeting Agent West by any chance? No, he Well, all I know is that it seemed extremely urgent.
I'm sorry.
Would you like a cup of tea while you're waiting? No.
No, thank you.
I think I'll be running along.
Good night.
Good night.
Aah! No! No! No! Did you find the girl, Artie? No.
Not a sign of her, Jim.
Great.
Dr.
Crane and his daughter are among the missing.
I think it's time we did a little investigating.
I'd say it's a good idea.
So this is the great Dr.
Crane's lab? Would you say others have been here before us? What a mess.
Artie, how did that letter Dr.
Crane wrote to the president go again? Something like, "I have every reason to believe that my new explosives formula could revolutionize modern warfare.
" Someone's been looking very hard for that formula.
The question is, did they find it? Jim, take a look at that grill on the wall, will you? Hot air vent, right? Central heating.
Of course.
Central heating.
A potbellied stove.
There's not even any discoloration here from the heat.
Artie, something tells me this is what they were looking for and never found.
I got a feeling you're right.
Careful, Jim.
Those ampuls are hermetically sealed.
That kind of seal is used only for highly volatile, extremely unstable chemicals.
That's good enough for me.
The Union Bar.
What? That's the name of the saloon where Dr.
Crane was supposed to have met me, according to the memo he left behind.
Someone must have used my name.
What's on your mind, Artie? No question about it.
That is what they were looking for and couldn't find.
What are they? The ingredients for Dr.
Crane's doomsday explosive.
Interesting.
But on the other hand, we'll never know for sure unless we, check them out.
Dr.
Crane's instructions specifically state that when those three ingredients combine, look out.
Artie, we are 500 yards away from a remote triggering device.
Don't you think we're being just a little overly cautious? Yeah, maybe, but since he described it to us as a new Doomsday Formula, I move that we just take no unnecessary chances.
Do I have a second? Second.
Artie, are you ready to, test this thing? Ready or not.
Doomsday Formula.
He certainly wasn't overstating himself.
Can you imagine what it would mean to our national security if that formula ever fell into the hands of a foreign power? It may have already.
Exactly.
Dr.
Crane.
The only man in the whole world who can duplicate that explosion is in someone's hands.
In that note Dr.
Crane got, where was the meeting set up? The Union Bar.
Hiya, doc.
How you doing? Same table? Yes, of course.
Naturally.
Good to see you again, doc.
What'll it be? Wait a minute, doc.
Is our bet still on? Well, naturally.
Good.
The doc bet that he could drink me or any other man under the table.
What are my odds? Ha-ha.
That's a sucker bet, mister.
You got it made.
Now see here, I can hold my liquor as well as any man.
Come on, Doc.
Couple of those bombs you had the other night, they had to take you out of here.
To be To be perfectly honest, I'm a little bit fuzzy about the other night.
Bombs, you say? What drink was that? Shenandoahs.
Don't you remember? Yes.
It's all coming back to me now.
Heh.
Well, what's it gonna be, gentlemen? More of the same? Yes.
More of the same, please.
You look like it rang a bell.
Something on your mind, Jim? Army days with Grant.
From time to time I'd mingle with a small group of officers from the 7th Cavalry.
They called themselves the Improbables.
They had a special drink called the Shenandoah, right? Right.
It was a ritual.
After a death or they'd won a skirmish, they'd drink a toast with the Shenandoahs.
Why don't I wire Washington right now, get the whereabouts of every staff officer in the 7th Cavalry? Why don't you? I'll backtrack from here.
Right.
What happened to Doc? He's off on an errand of mercy.
That cane in your umbrella stand, the one with the weighted tip that's hand-carved, do you know who it belongs to? Yeah, the guy Doc was in with the other night.
Ramrod-type gent.
Always carries it.
He was in again last night.
He must have left it.
Thanks very much.
Hyah.
Come in, colonel, come in.
Sit down, won't you? Be with you in a minute.
Just going over some material from Dr.
Crane's lab.
Hey, that's a new aftershave lotion, colonel? What's it called? It's called Veil of Cashmere.
Well, hello.
I must say it beats the colonel's Bay Rum All Hollow.
Thank you.
I'm Miss Scott, Colonel Richmond's new assistant.
How do you do? He asked me to drop this data off to you.
Yes, thanks.
Sit down, won't you? Would you start reading that for me, please? I just have to make these entries.
"Three of the 7th Cavalry staff officer Improbables "survived the war.
"Brigadier General Garvin, seriously ill, confined in a military hospital the last year.
" Well, we can scratch one.
Go on.
"Colonel Dasant, "military attaché to the French embassy.
Out of the country the past two years.
" Well, scratch two.
"Major General Walter Kroll, United States Artillery, retired.
" Well, don't just sit there looking so devastating, Miss Scott.
Please go on.
Um, "Very much alive.
Very much.
In Denver now.
" Doing what? "Living the life of a gentlemen farmer on a modest country place he calls Double Tree Farm.
" And, here's a footnote that Colonel Richmond thought might interest you.
Well, do go on, Miss Scott.
I'm all eyes.
Ears.
Um, "From time to time, General Kroll entertains "an interesting variety of exotic foreigners who come to visit him.
" That is interesting.
May I? I see he's also a member of the swank Hadrian Club.
Miss Scott, when you get back, would you ask the colonel, please, to arrange a guest membership for me? A thousand pardons, effendi.
Effendi, we have met before, I think.
I think you're mistaken.
Thank you.
What the devil do you want? A thousand pardons, effendi.
Forgive me that I did not recognize you earlier.
You are the man I have traveled 5,000 miles to meet.
Who are you? Hassan Amir Ortuglo.
Ortuglo? Ortuglo.
Yes.
And you are the renowned General Kroll, of whom I have heard so much.
Really? From whom? In Port Said there is a certain importer who speaks of your merchandise with reverence.
In Calcutta there is an organization which shuns publicity, yet which cheerfully acknowledges the excellence of your merchandise.
In Damascus That's enough.
What do you want? The privilege of also being permitted to do business with you.
Not for myself, effendi.
May Allah forbid.
I am merely a humble catalyst that brings, people and, things together.
But for a certain buyer who has a need of, specific military products Could you, perhaps, guide me to it? What's the name of your client? Effendi.
Do names matter to Allah? He is a rich man with much ambition, but, alas, very few, shall we say, military resources.
Very sad, effendi.
Nothing quite so sad as a Well, an army so small that it dare not invade a neighbor protected by fortress installations.
Is it not true? He has need, at the moment, of a certain explosive with a greater power than that of any other explosive currently known.
What makes you think I can supply that? One ventures to hope, effendi.
You're wasting your time.
Alas.
A terrible pity.
One half million dollars, American money.
Only the first installment, one might say.
But now Mr.
Ortuglo.
Mr.
Ortuglo, occasionally I do hear of new ordinance developments.
I'm leaving soon for my ranch.
If you'd care to be my guest this evening, I'll send a carriage for you and we can I shall await the carriage on the seventh plateau of joy.
Well, Doctor Crane? No, doctor, these excuses are not good enough.
General, I've explained to you.
I am very well aware that you've been stalling, but there'll be no more of that.
Do you hear? General, you know I have no intention of putting that kind of weapon into your hands.
Not even to save your life? I've already had two massive attacks.
Every day, every hour I live, is on borrowed time.
Doctor.
Lorna! Lorna! She can neither see you nor hear you.
This is Bismarck glass.
Clear on one side, mirrored on the other, and armored.
You see, this is the annealing laboratory where my armaments are given various heat treatments.
Right now it's doing double duty.
Let her go.
Let her go.
Not until you give me what I want, doctor.
Doctor, so far your daughter has managed to survive the plunge into the gas flames, but soon she will tire.
Her sense of balance will waver, and then Please.
Please.
Let her go.
Of course.
When you furnish me with the information which I desire.
One hour, doctor.
The formula and a sample to test.
Who are you? I'm a government agent and I'm here to help.
We'd better go quickly.
Go? Where? Back out through the vent.
I know you can make it, doctor.
I'll be behind you all the way.
No, no.
My daughter's in there.
You're going to hand over your formula, doctor? Doctor, you know you can't do that.
I am doing it.
We tested the explosive you left behind in your laboratory in Denver.
Doomsday Formula, you called it in your letter to President Grant.
Whose doomsday, doctor? Your country's? I can't let her die.
Please listen to me.
He did give you an hour.
She may not last that long.
He's not gonna harm your daughter until he gets what he wants from you, doctor.
Even if you give him what he wants, you must realize he'll never let you or your daughter out of here alive.
Doctor, give me that hour, please, to get your daughter away safely.
One hour to save your daughter and your country.
Hurry.
Hurry.
Come in, sir.
Come in.
Mr.
Ortuglo, I'm glad you came.
It is I who am ravished by the honor, effendi.
Take Mr.
Ortuglo's bags to the guest room.
You'll join me in a drink.
With joy.
How perfect to have a drink in hand while discussing the one perfect explosive.
You don't waste time, do you? Forgive me, effendi, but to waste time is to lose it, and my people believe that time, once lost, can never again be recovered.
One hour, Mr.
Ortuglo.
In one hour, I can promise you, you will have what you came for.
I drink to the bliss of that moment.
And then upon these grape leaves are placed crushed almonds and honey.
Fascinating.
And then it is all rolled General, general! There's an intruder! I'll be right with you.
Mr.
Ortuglo, your trip to the ranch must've been tiring.
Perhaps you'd care to refresh yourself, rest for a few minutes in your room? A most excellent and thoughtful suggestion.
And then perhaps we can consummate our business arrangements with a late supper, in an hour or so, if that's agreeable to you.
I am overcome with happiness at the prospect.
This way.
Which? This way here.
Thank you.
You'll find everything you need in here to make you comfortable.
Effendi, I am positively ravished.
One hour, Mr.
Ortuglo.
Loose somewhere on the grounds.
I caught him coming out of one of the buildings, but But of course he got away.
General Never mind the excuses! Organize a search.
Get every man you can find.
Comb the grounds! Find him! Jim! Artie.
No one sings off-key like you.
All right, keep your eyes open.
Three of you, check the corrals.
A couple of you guys look around in those trees.
Artie, this is where the doctor's being kept.
It's underground, and there's only one entrance.
I got in the hard way, through a heating duct.
Where does that one entrance originate? I don't know, but it's gotta be somewhere in the general's house.
Don't worry, I'll find it.
What about the girl? The girl's being held right here, right next to the doctor.
And all around there are guards, guards, guards? Right.
Artie, what I need right now is some kind of a diversion.
One large giant-size diversion Coming up.
There's two of them.
I better tell the general.
What the devil is it? We got them, general.
Both of them.
Both? There are two of them? Yeah.
The boys have them trapped outside.
I don't know who one of the gentlemen is, but I have a very good idea that the other one is Mr.
Ortuglo.
General.
As Plutarch once said, "To create harmony, music must first investigate discord.
" Or do you prefer Rossetti? "Silence: More musical than any note.
" I thought our uninvited visitor outside might have gotten in here to you and your My first installment? Ho, have no fear, general.
What I have in here, Allah has reserved only for you.
Fine.
Shall we have our supper now, Mr.
Ortuglo? Excellent.
Now if you will excuse me, I'll have a word with the cook.
As the prophet has written: "The loss of immediate companionship "can only be compensated by a visit with your companion's past.
" If I may? You? Seen anything? No, sir.
Don't relax your vigilance.
And whatever happens, let no one through that door.
Yes, sir.
I hope you have no objections, effendi.
I have taken the liberty of pouring an apéritif before dinner.
May I suggest a final toast? Thank you.
Here's to bigger and much, much better explosions.
Hey! Aaah! Quiet! Are you all right? Let's go.
Daddy! Daddy! Don't cry, Lorna.
Don't cry.
It's time for me to go.
About my formula, you might like to know that I I wouldn't have given it to them.
Jim? Artie, I'll need a wagon by the barn in five minutes.
Yeah.
No, no, no.
Mr.
West, isn't it? General? I suggest you stay away from those explosives.
You've got nowhere to run, and nothing to do except die.
It's quite a setup you have here, general.
Does this have anything to do with your resignation from the Army? You're a talented guesser, Mr.
West.
I resigned from an antiquated military service, which was content to sit around and listen to its arteries harden.
An army needs to develop new weapons, new techniques of annihilating the enemy.
So when I found myself surrounded and blocked at every turn by a pack of rigid, hidebound, rocking-chair strategists still fighting the last war So you turned in your stars and opened your own shop.
Correct.
This armory is a working arsenal.
Sudden death for a price.
Advanced annihilation to the highest bidder.
Man will always be moved to kill his fellow man.
My operation addresses itself to making death more efficiently realizable.
Well, it's unfortunate that you had to come sniffing around here where you had no business being.
Artie! Let's see, now.
That's 540 miles.
Added to the last balance, gives us 15,000 Hey, Artie? Take a look at this.
Yeah.
Artie? Yeah, one minute, Jim.
I knew it.
Just what I expected.
You mind telling me what you're talking about? You know I have something of a knack for figures, right? So it would seem.
It occurred to me that over the past few years we've been doing an awful lot of traveling right here on this train, right? So? So I took the trouble to count them up, and it winds up with a figure that confirms something I have suspected all along.
Which is? Which is that if we had arranged to get paid by the mile instead of by the month, even at five cents a mile, you and I would be $2,000 richer apiece today.
Makes you stop and think, doesn't it? Yeah.
Well, listen, figures don't lie.
Artie, what if I could show you some figures that would prove our traveling was sort of a side benefit? Now, I'd be hard to convince of that.
You remember Denver? Yeah.
And you remember Shirley O'Malley? The showgirl? Who could forget her? Does that figure convince you? It's It's a start.
What about that one? Yeah.
Chicago.
Ha.
Artie, there's Doris.
New Orleans.
Boy, what a town.
Crane at home? No, no.
He isn't here yet.
Are you his daughter? I'm a government agent.
Is something wrong? No.
This is just routine regarding the arrangements for your father's security.
May? May I please come in and wait for him? Yeah.
Thank you.
I'm awfully sorry it's so late at night, Miss Crane, but I'm sure you realize how important your father is to our government.
No, thank you.
Yes, I I realize how important he is.
But I also know that he isn't well, and he should be sleeping right now instead of rushing off to midnight meetings with Secret Service agents.
Is that where your father is right now? Well, all I really know is that he He received this message from an agent named, West.
Not James West? Well, yes.
Do you know him? He's a colleague of mine.
Did your father happen to say where he was meeting Agent West by any chance? No, he Well, all I know is that it seemed extremely urgent.
I'm sorry.
Would you like a cup of tea while you're waiting? No.
No, thank you.
I think I'll be running along.
Good night.
Good night.
Aah! No! No! No! Did you find the girl, Artie? No.
Not a sign of her, Jim.
Great.
Dr.
Crane and his daughter are among the missing.
I think it's time we did a little investigating.
I'd say it's a good idea.
So this is the great Dr.
Crane's lab? Would you say others have been here before us? What a mess.
Artie, how did that letter Dr.
Crane wrote to the president go again? Something like, "I have every reason to believe that my new explosives formula could revolutionize modern warfare.
" Someone's been looking very hard for that formula.
The question is, did they find it? Jim, take a look at that grill on the wall, will you? Hot air vent, right? Central heating.
Of course.
Central heating.
A potbellied stove.
There's not even any discoloration here from the heat.
Artie, something tells me this is what they were looking for and never found.
I got a feeling you're right.
Careful, Jim.
Those ampuls are hermetically sealed.
That kind of seal is used only for highly volatile, extremely unstable chemicals.
That's good enough for me.
The Union Bar.
What? That's the name of the saloon where Dr.
Crane was supposed to have met me, according to the memo he left behind.
Someone must have used my name.
What's on your mind, Artie? No question about it.
That is what they were looking for and couldn't find.
What are they? The ingredients for Dr.
Crane's doomsday explosive.
Interesting.
But on the other hand, we'll never know for sure unless we, check them out.
Dr.
Crane's instructions specifically state that when those three ingredients combine, look out.
Artie, we are 500 yards away from a remote triggering device.
Don't you think we're being just a little overly cautious? Yeah, maybe, but since he described it to us as a new Doomsday Formula, I move that we just take no unnecessary chances.
Do I have a second? Second.
Artie, are you ready to, test this thing? Ready or not.
Doomsday Formula.
He certainly wasn't overstating himself.
Can you imagine what it would mean to our national security if that formula ever fell into the hands of a foreign power? It may have already.
Exactly.
Dr.
Crane.
The only man in the whole world who can duplicate that explosion is in someone's hands.
In that note Dr.
Crane got, where was the meeting set up? The Union Bar.
Hiya, doc.
How you doing? Same table? Yes, of course.
Naturally.
Good to see you again, doc.
What'll it be? Wait a minute, doc.
Is our bet still on? Well, naturally.
Good.
The doc bet that he could drink me or any other man under the table.
What are my odds? Ha-ha.
That's a sucker bet, mister.
You got it made.
Now see here, I can hold my liquor as well as any man.
Come on, Doc.
Couple of those bombs you had the other night, they had to take you out of here.
To be To be perfectly honest, I'm a little bit fuzzy about the other night.
Bombs, you say? What drink was that? Shenandoahs.
Don't you remember? Yes.
It's all coming back to me now.
Heh.
Well, what's it gonna be, gentlemen? More of the same? Yes.
More of the same, please.
You look like it rang a bell.
Something on your mind, Jim? Army days with Grant.
From time to time I'd mingle with a small group of officers from the 7th Cavalry.
They called themselves the Improbables.
They had a special drink called the Shenandoah, right? Right.
It was a ritual.
After a death or they'd won a skirmish, they'd drink a toast with the Shenandoahs.
Why don't I wire Washington right now, get the whereabouts of every staff officer in the 7th Cavalry? Why don't you? I'll backtrack from here.
Right.
What happened to Doc? He's off on an errand of mercy.
That cane in your umbrella stand, the one with the weighted tip that's hand-carved, do you know who it belongs to? Yeah, the guy Doc was in with the other night.
Ramrod-type gent.
Always carries it.
He was in again last night.
He must have left it.
Thanks very much.
Hyah.
Come in, colonel, come in.
Sit down, won't you? Be with you in a minute.
Just going over some material from Dr.
Crane's lab.
Hey, that's a new aftershave lotion, colonel? What's it called? It's called Veil of Cashmere.
Well, hello.
I must say it beats the colonel's Bay Rum All Hollow.
Thank you.
I'm Miss Scott, Colonel Richmond's new assistant.
How do you do? He asked me to drop this data off to you.
Yes, thanks.
Sit down, won't you? Would you start reading that for me, please? I just have to make these entries.
"Three of the 7th Cavalry staff officer Improbables "survived the war.
"Brigadier General Garvin, seriously ill, confined in a military hospital the last year.
" Well, we can scratch one.
Go on.
"Colonel Dasant, "military attaché to the French embassy.
Out of the country the past two years.
" Well, scratch two.
"Major General Walter Kroll, United States Artillery, retired.
" Well, don't just sit there looking so devastating, Miss Scott.
Please go on.
Um, "Very much alive.
Very much.
In Denver now.
" Doing what? "Living the life of a gentlemen farmer on a modest country place he calls Double Tree Farm.
" And, here's a footnote that Colonel Richmond thought might interest you.
Well, do go on, Miss Scott.
I'm all eyes.
Ears.
Um, "From time to time, General Kroll entertains "an interesting variety of exotic foreigners who come to visit him.
" That is interesting.
May I? I see he's also a member of the swank Hadrian Club.
Miss Scott, when you get back, would you ask the colonel, please, to arrange a guest membership for me? A thousand pardons, effendi.
Effendi, we have met before, I think.
I think you're mistaken.
Thank you.
What the devil do you want? A thousand pardons, effendi.
Forgive me that I did not recognize you earlier.
You are the man I have traveled 5,000 miles to meet.
Who are you? Hassan Amir Ortuglo.
Ortuglo? Ortuglo.
Yes.
And you are the renowned General Kroll, of whom I have heard so much.
Really? From whom? In Port Said there is a certain importer who speaks of your merchandise with reverence.
In Calcutta there is an organization which shuns publicity, yet which cheerfully acknowledges the excellence of your merchandise.
In Damascus That's enough.
What do you want? The privilege of also being permitted to do business with you.
Not for myself, effendi.
May Allah forbid.
I am merely a humble catalyst that brings, people and, things together.
But for a certain buyer who has a need of, specific military products Could you, perhaps, guide me to it? What's the name of your client? Effendi.
Do names matter to Allah? He is a rich man with much ambition, but, alas, very few, shall we say, military resources.
Very sad, effendi.
Nothing quite so sad as a Well, an army so small that it dare not invade a neighbor protected by fortress installations.
Is it not true? He has need, at the moment, of a certain explosive with a greater power than that of any other explosive currently known.
What makes you think I can supply that? One ventures to hope, effendi.
You're wasting your time.
Alas.
A terrible pity.
One half million dollars, American money.
Only the first installment, one might say.
But now Mr.
Ortuglo.
Mr.
Ortuglo, occasionally I do hear of new ordinance developments.
I'm leaving soon for my ranch.
If you'd care to be my guest this evening, I'll send a carriage for you and we can I shall await the carriage on the seventh plateau of joy.
Well, Doctor Crane? No, doctor, these excuses are not good enough.
General, I've explained to you.
I am very well aware that you've been stalling, but there'll be no more of that.
Do you hear? General, you know I have no intention of putting that kind of weapon into your hands.
Not even to save your life? I've already had two massive attacks.
Every day, every hour I live, is on borrowed time.
Doctor.
Lorna! Lorna! She can neither see you nor hear you.
This is Bismarck glass.
Clear on one side, mirrored on the other, and armored.
You see, this is the annealing laboratory where my armaments are given various heat treatments.
Right now it's doing double duty.
Let her go.
Let her go.
Not until you give me what I want, doctor.
Doctor, so far your daughter has managed to survive the plunge into the gas flames, but soon she will tire.
Her sense of balance will waver, and then Please.
Please.
Let her go.
Of course.
When you furnish me with the information which I desire.
One hour, doctor.
The formula and a sample to test.
Who are you? I'm a government agent and I'm here to help.
We'd better go quickly.
Go? Where? Back out through the vent.
I know you can make it, doctor.
I'll be behind you all the way.
No, no.
My daughter's in there.
You're going to hand over your formula, doctor? Doctor, you know you can't do that.
I am doing it.
We tested the explosive you left behind in your laboratory in Denver.
Doomsday Formula, you called it in your letter to President Grant.
Whose doomsday, doctor? Your country's? I can't let her die.
Please listen to me.
He did give you an hour.
She may not last that long.
He's not gonna harm your daughter until he gets what he wants from you, doctor.
Even if you give him what he wants, you must realize he'll never let you or your daughter out of here alive.
Doctor, give me that hour, please, to get your daughter away safely.
One hour to save your daughter and your country.
Hurry.
Hurry.
Come in, sir.
Come in.
Mr.
Ortuglo, I'm glad you came.
It is I who am ravished by the honor, effendi.
Take Mr.
Ortuglo's bags to the guest room.
You'll join me in a drink.
With joy.
How perfect to have a drink in hand while discussing the one perfect explosive.
You don't waste time, do you? Forgive me, effendi, but to waste time is to lose it, and my people believe that time, once lost, can never again be recovered.
One hour, Mr.
Ortuglo.
In one hour, I can promise you, you will have what you came for.
I drink to the bliss of that moment.
And then upon these grape leaves are placed crushed almonds and honey.
Fascinating.
And then it is all rolled General, general! There's an intruder! I'll be right with you.
Mr.
Ortuglo, your trip to the ranch must've been tiring.
Perhaps you'd care to refresh yourself, rest for a few minutes in your room? A most excellent and thoughtful suggestion.
And then perhaps we can consummate our business arrangements with a late supper, in an hour or so, if that's agreeable to you.
I am overcome with happiness at the prospect.
This way.
Which? This way here.
Thank you.
You'll find everything you need in here to make you comfortable.
Effendi, I am positively ravished.
One hour, Mr.
Ortuglo.
Loose somewhere on the grounds.
I caught him coming out of one of the buildings, but But of course he got away.
General Never mind the excuses! Organize a search.
Get every man you can find.
Comb the grounds! Find him! Jim! Artie.
No one sings off-key like you.
All right, keep your eyes open.
Three of you, check the corrals.
A couple of you guys look around in those trees.
Artie, this is where the doctor's being kept.
It's underground, and there's only one entrance.
I got in the hard way, through a heating duct.
Where does that one entrance originate? I don't know, but it's gotta be somewhere in the general's house.
Don't worry, I'll find it.
What about the girl? The girl's being held right here, right next to the doctor.
And all around there are guards, guards, guards? Right.
Artie, what I need right now is some kind of a diversion.
One large giant-size diversion Coming up.
There's two of them.
I better tell the general.
What the devil is it? We got them, general.
Both of them.
Both? There are two of them? Yeah.
The boys have them trapped outside.
I don't know who one of the gentlemen is, but I have a very good idea that the other one is Mr.
Ortuglo.
General.
As Plutarch once said, "To create harmony, music must first investigate discord.
" Or do you prefer Rossetti? "Silence: More musical than any note.
" I thought our uninvited visitor outside might have gotten in here to you and your My first installment? Ho, have no fear, general.
What I have in here, Allah has reserved only for you.
Fine.
Shall we have our supper now, Mr.
Ortuglo? Excellent.
Now if you will excuse me, I'll have a word with the cook.
As the prophet has written: "The loss of immediate companionship "can only be compensated by a visit with your companion's past.
" If I may? You? Seen anything? No, sir.
Don't relax your vigilance.
And whatever happens, let no one through that door.
Yes, sir.
I hope you have no objections, effendi.
I have taken the liberty of pouring an apéritif before dinner.
May I suggest a final toast? Thank you.
Here's to bigger and much, much better explosions.
Hey! Aaah! Quiet! Are you all right? Let's go.
Daddy! Daddy! Don't cry, Lorna.
Don't cry.
It's time for me to go.
About my formula, you might like to know that I I wouldn't have given it to them.
Jim? Artie, I'll need a wagon by the barn in five minutes.
Yeah.
No, no, no.
Mr.
West, isn't it? General? I suggest you stay away from those explosives.
You've got nowhere to run, and nothing to do except die.
It's quite a setup you have here, general.
Does this have anything to do with your resignation from the Army? You're a talented guesser, Mr.
West.
I resigned from an antiquated military service, which was content to sit around and listen to its arteries harden.
An army needs to develop new weapons, new techniques of annihilating the enemy.
So when I found myself surrounded and blocked at every turn by a pack of rigid, hidebound, rocking-chair strategists still fighting the last war So you turned in your stars and opened your own shop.
Correct.
This armory is a working arsenal.
Sudden death for a price.
Advanced annihilation to the highest bidder.
Man will always be moved to kill his fellow man.
My operation addresses itself to making death more efficiently realizable.
Well, it's unfortunate that you had to come sniffing around here where you had no business being.
Artie! Let's see, now.
That's 540 miles.
Added to the last balance, gives us 15,000 Hey, Artie? Take a look at this.
Yeah.
Artie? Yeah, one minute, Jim.
I knew it.
Just what I expected.
You mind telling me what you're talking about? You know I have something of a knack for figures, right? So it would seem.
It occurred to me that over the past few years we've been doing an awful lot of traveling right here on this train, right? So? So I took the trouble to count them up, and it winds up with a figure that confirms something I have suspected all along.
Which is? Which is that if we had arranged to get paid by the mile instead of by the month, even at five cents a mile, you and I would be $2,000 richer apiece today.
Makes you stop and think, doesn't it? Yeah.
Well, listen, figures don't lie.
Artie, what if I could show you some figures that would prove our traveling was sort of a side benefit? Now, I'd be hard to convince of that.
You remember Denver? Yeah.
And you remember Shirley O'Malley? The showgirl? Who could forget her? Does that figure convince you? It's It's a start.
What about that one? Yeah.
Chicago.
Ha.
Artie, there's Doris.
New Orleans.
Boy, what a town.