Two Doors Down (2016) s04e02 Episode Script
Willie's Wake
1 CAR HORN BEEPS Ooh, the car's here! Oh, right.
How you feeling? Aye, I'm OK.
Are you sure? Yeah.
Give me a hug.
Oh, thanks, Cath.
I don't know what I'd do without you.
I honestly don't.
Oh, Col, don't you worry.
We are going to give your dad a funeral that he would be proud of, with all the dignity and respect that he deserves.
Oh, Cath.
You got hankies in your bag? No.
We'll get the hearse to stop at the garage.
This programme contains some strong language Aah, sit down, Beth.
We won't stay long, Cathy.
Mm-hm.
Sit down, Christine, you're allowed in today.
Ooh, it's nice to get into the warm.
That crematorium was freezin'! Which is surprising, cos you'd think that given that the Er, Christine? And their pews were a bit on the hard side, as well.
Tell you, if you wirnae weeping before you went in, you would be after half an hour wi' your arse sat on them.
Er, it was a really nice service, Colin.
Eh? I'm saying the service was lovely.
Do you think so? Oh, yes, very nice, Colin.
The wee minister did an excellent job, I thought.
Aye, he did.
He judged it just right.
Hm.
Mm, very sensitively done.
Yeah.
I thought so, too.
How much did he charge ya, Colin? Right, who's for a drink? Just a tea for me.
Tea? Er, I'll take a coffee.
Oh, aye, I'll have a coffee as well, Cath.
You any decaf? All right, Ian, it's not fuckin' Costa! BREATHY LAUGH Is there anything you'd like us to do, Colin? No, no, yous have been great.
I really appreciate you coming today.
My .
.
my dad spoke very highly of you.
Oh, really? Oh, yes, he was always asking after you and the family.
Ach, he was a good man.
Only last week he said to me, "How's that wee chunky fella next door with the queer son getting on?" Can't believe that's him gone, now.
Was that his preference then, Colin? To be cremated rather than buried? Well, I I've left strict instructions, for when I die it's to be a burial, haven't I Beth? You have.
Aye, a coffin with the satin inside and my best cardigan on, in case I get exhumed.
I just hope we did all right for him.
Aye, I'm sure you did, Colin.
No, no, it was all done very nicely.
I'm sure he'd have been very happy.
Well, I hope so.
I really do.
Let's go and see how Cath's getting on with the kettle.
He's not good, is he? It seemed to be that song they played tipped him.
Aye, what was that?! Well, you know his dad was an accordion player? That was the song he always used to play for Colin when he was a wee boy.
It was just too much for him.
A few tears and a blow at the nose is natural.
That was like something out of The Exorcist! He was gettin' hysterical.
Thank God the minister switched it off.
Oh, him.
He was just wanting the whole thing done and dusted so he could get onto the next one.
It's no' a Bible he should have under his arm, it's a debit card machine.
Look, not everybody wants a big religious affair.
Well, they were in the right place today, then, weren't they? I mean, not one prayer and then a quick blast of The Lord's My Shepherd? I've had better religious experiences with two codeine and a shot at the foot spa.
Guess what? What? I was looking for tea bags and I found a bottle of brandy.
Oh, look Cathy, I'd rather have a tea to be honest.
Oh, Beth! Er, no.
Honestly, Cathy.
It's what Willie would've wanted! Oh, aye, he was very fond of his brandy.
I remember seeing him one morning in ASDA, when he was self-scanning a quarter bottle.
Cathy, is he all right? Who? Colin.
He's awful quiet.
He's definitely not his usual self.
I know.
He's not even wanting sex or anything.
But he's grieving, Cathy.
I know, but he was gagging for it after the dogs got put down! Well, maybe the two of you just need some time on your own? Now .
.
nice to see Ian in a shirt and tie, isn't it? Look at you, Ian! You look like you're all ready for working in a phone shop.
Oh, here he is.
Ah, you all right, Colin? Now, how is my brave boy? Is there anything I can do for you? No.
INAUDIBLE No.
WHISPERS: He still doesn't want to, Beth.
I was just saying your, er, your dad was a man for his brandy, wasn't he? Eh? Oh, aye, aye, aye.
Aye, he liked his brandy.
Mm, a brandy's good for the nerves.
Pat over the back gave me one in DFS when I signed for that couch.
I tell you what else he was very fond of .
.
music.
He was a great man for his music.
I mean, see that accordion? See when I was a wee boy? See, we used to get it out.
He'd get it on his knee and he'd start to play Oh, fuck, he's going to go again.
VOICE BREAKING: He'd always play me the same wee song.
Er, why don't we have a toast? A toast, aye.
That's a good idea.
Colin, shall we have a wee toast? Aye.
Aye, all right, then.
Good man.
Woohoo! I'll get a couple of bottles of prosecco.
No, Cathy, we'll just do it with this! You going to do it, then? What, me? Aye, I don't think I could.
Right, er .
.
erm Oh, for Christ's sake! Will somebody just say something? OK, OK Er Er, wellso, it's been a sad day today, seeing Willie off.
He was ahe was a real character.
Everybody here today will remember him fondly for .
.
for all the many things that, er .
.
that he got up to and all the happy times they had with him.
Er, so, if you'd care to join me in raising a glass .
.
to Willie.
ALL: To Willie! Thank you, Eric.
That was lovely.
Aye, that was nice, Dad.
Here, Colin.
Do you no' think we could maybe say a wee prayer for your dad? Er, no.
I mean, I don't want tae go on aboot it, but that wee minister couldnae lead a fuckin' conga, never mind a prayer! Look, Christine, I don't think Colin wants that.
Actually, thatthatthat might be nice.
Aa prayer might be nice.
Mh-hm.
Right, come on, let's do it properly.
There we go, that's it Eric! Join hands.
Jesus.
Beth, Beththat's it.
Heavenly Father, we are gathered here today in Colin and Cathy's front room to say farewell to Colin's dad, who has recently died and been cremated.
Ashes are expected on Wednesday.
It is Wednesday, Colin, aye? It's Wednesday, aye.
Wednesday, Father.
KNOWING CHUCKLE Bit busy after that cold snap, maybes.
So, we ask you for your comfort at this sad time.
Colin has been quite upset.
In fact, he was crying very loudly when the music came on in the Crematorium.
So much so that the wee minister guy, who you would not have liked, had to press pause on the CD.
Ahem! So, we thank you for being with us today.
And could I just say, also, a wee prayer for Father Di Marco, who has been under a great deal of stress recently.
I personally believe that what happened in 1985 should stay in 1985.
Amen.
ALL: Amen.
I'll tell you the one that really floored me when he died.
And I can remember exactly where I was when I heard the news.
Seve Ballesteros.
Beth, another brandy? No, thank you.
The amount of people that he must have inspired to go up that pitch n' putt is incredible! I see you've had, eryou've had quite aa few cards, Colin.
Oh, aye, he was very well-liked.
PHONE BUZZES That's from Paddy Power, and he got one from a Ladbrokes.
Er, Mum, is it OK if I maybe make a move? Yes, I think so.
Your dad and I are going to be going shortly, too.
What's that, Beth? Ian's just heading off.
What?! Yeah, Gordon's coming to get me.
Said he'd text when he's outside.
What, he's outside now? Well, yeah.
I should maybe just .
.
go and say a quick hello.
Hi, Gordon, honey! RADIO PLAYS "ANNIE'S SONG" BY JOHN DENVER Hi, Cathy.
How are you? Oh, not so good, Gordon, to be honest.
It's Colin's dad's just died and we had to have a funeral.
Yeah, I was sorry to hear that.
Were you quite close to him? To Willie?! Oh! Yeah.
Yeah How's Colin doing? He's terrible, Gordon.
He's taken it very badly.
Would you like to come in and see? No.
Come on.
No, honestly, we Come on! Just for a minute! No, Cathy, I can't.
Thanks very much for coming, Ian.
Aye, no bother, Colin.
And listen .
.
you cherish your parents while they're still around.
Aye, I will.
Aye, look son .
.
I know they can maybe get on your nerves.
I mean, some people find your father very, very boring and .
.
and your mum .
.
she's a bit on the dull side as well, Ian.
But, see, the thing is, see when they're gone? You'll miss them.
Ooh! Change of plan.
Gordon would like to come in now.
We'll have one more and then we'll go.
Look who I found! Sit down, Gordon, sit down.
Ian, give me your jacket.
Come o-o-on! That's it.
Aah Sorry to hear about your dad.
Did the funeral go OK, did it? Oh, it was ait was a nice wee service.
It was very disappointing, Gordon.
Very disappointing.
Gordon, would you like a brandy? I'm driving.
Colin's father has died, Gordon.
ErOK.
I'm sorry I couldn't make it.
It's all right, Gordon.
I'm rubbish at funerals anyway, to be honest.
Are you, Gordon? Are you rubbish? Did you ever meet my dad, Gordon? Erno, I don't think I did.
Er, you did.
Remember that day I pointed him out to you? Oh, the man sleeping on the grass! Hehe was a real character, so he was.
Itit'sit's a sad day.
Ian said he was a musician? That's right.
It was the accordion he played.
Do you know II remember as a wee boy, there was this .
.
there was this one song that he SOBBING: .
.
he used to play for me.
Gordon, do you remember Seve Ballesteros? There you go, Gordon.
We've had a toast already, so just take a sip and then give me a kiss.
Ooh, you taste all boozy.
You stink! You're going to have to get a taxi, now! Beautiful V-neck pullovers.
Every colour under the sun.
You all right there, Colin? Aye.
I'm just thinking, he would have loved all this, you know.
Everybody sat round with a wee glass of something.
And remember that Christmas we had him stay, Cath? Oh, what, when he pissed the couch? Oh, aye, he washe was in great form.
I canI can still picture him sat there with his paper hat and cigarette.
Waiting for the Queen's speech to come on, so he could give her the finger! Was that your last Christmas together? It was the last one he was allowed to come here, yes.
What age was he, Colin? I don't think the minister said.
He was 91.
91, eh? Phew That's what you call a good innings! Oh, aye, aye.
Seve was only 54, Gordon.
If he was 91, then he was born when? Oh, a long time ago, Beth.
1928 he was born.
So, was he in, like, the war and that? No, Christ, he'd have only been a boy.
My grandpa was in the D-Day landings.
Shh, Gordon.
Ian, another brandy? SHE PINGS GLASS He did National Service, though.
Aye, well, that was the thing.
I mean youyou had to.
See, if you'd been around then, you'd have had to go in the army whether you liked it or not.
Oh, no, Eric.
They didn't take homosexuals.
We've still got pictures of him somewhere in uniform.
Fuck, not them Not now, Colin, too soon.
Don't upset yourself.
I can still remember him whistling all the old songs that he'd picked up in the barracks, you know? It's A Long Way To Tipperary, Pack Up Your Troubles and what was the .
.
what was the marching one, again? HE WHISTLES COLONEL BOGEY MARCH Oh, aye, aye, aye.
Oh, yeah ALL JOIN IN APART FROM CATHY Go on, Gordon.
March! March! Pfff! Pfff! Pfff! Pfff! Pfff! Pfff! Pfff! SHE LAUGHS I remember him whistling that clear as day.
This isnae the same couch that he pissed on, is it? Cathy Oh, Beth! I mean, thank God I got all this ice in! Listen, I don't think we'll stay much longer.
Sorry? Well, we'll head off and leave you and Colin to have a bit of time to yourselves.
No, you can't do that, Beth.
Why? Because Willie's dead.
I know! And I think Colin needs a bit of time to himself to deal with it.
You say that, Beth, but I think he's taken a great deal of comfort from us all being around him and enjoying our drinks! I really think, Cathy I.
Am.
Colin's.
Wife, Beth.
I know what he needs.
What he needs is for you to take this ice, go back through to the sofa and stop trying to spoil the party! Now, Father Di Marco.
His funerals are something else.
People come from all over to attend them.
Really? Here, you should come tae one when he gets back! Where is he? He's on a wee break in Argentina.
Gordon, what do you think of Ian and his tie? It's, er .
.
yes.
Looks good.
Ian, do you like Gordon in his shirt? Er .
.
yeah.
Maybe you two should just stay the night.
Naw Oh, no, you can if you want.
I'veI've heard guys doing it before.
In hotels.
Oh, here he is! Here's my boy with the empty bladder.
All right there, Colin? Aye.
We, erm We gave him a good send-off, didn't we? Course you did.
Oh, aye, yeah.
Do you think? Definitely, aye.
Well It's a sad day but, in a way, it's a good day, eh? Mh-hm.
That's it.
We're sad that he's gone, but it's good to be able to celebrate his life.
In some bits of the world, the whole thing's a celebration.
Aye, that's true.
Like Mexico.
Oh, Mexico.
Pat's son went to Cancun and somebody wrote a T on the end of his luggage tag.
New Orleans.
I mean, the whole thing there's like a big party.
Oh, aye.
They've got the bands and all that, haven't they? The jazz bands.
Ooh, I like the sound of that! Yeah, everybody has a bit of a dance and joins in.
Oh, yeah! Well, we should play some music! Do you really think that's a good idea, Cathy? Oh, Colin, that would make you feel better.
Let's play some music! I mean, not jazz, cos that's just shit.
Well, a hymn would be a Shut up, Christine! Right .
.
Oh, I know, I know, I know! Oh, I love this song! SMOOTH, SEXY MUSIC PLAYS Such a good idea, Gordon.
Now, listen, we've had the funeral, very sad.
Poor Willie, in his coffin, off he goes behind the curtain.
Lots of sandwiches and speeches.
But that's all finished, now.
Now? We're going to have a party.
MUSIC BECOMES LOUD AND UPBEA Woo! Yes! Come on, Col! Woo! DOORBELL RINGS Who the fuck is that?! Oh! Hi, Cathy.
Michelle.
Erm, we heard about Colin's dad.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
It's .
.
it's really sad.
I got you a wee card, so Oh, look, thanks, Michelle! Come in.
Oh, no, I won't just now.
I just thought Come on, all the sad stuff's finished.
We're having drinks now.
Are you sure? Yes, in you come! OK, well, I'll just let Alan know.
Where is he? Oh, Alan, Alan! Ala-a-an! Come in! Colin's dad's died and we're celebrating! What's happened to the music?! I turned it off, Cathy.
Michelle's here, everyone! Hi there.
Hello, Michelle.
Michelle brought you a card, Colin.
A-a-aw Aw, that's lovely.
Sit down, Michelle.
Sit down.
Oh, here's Alan! Hug Alan, too.
Hug Alan.
There you go, nice cuddle.
Oh, he's cuddly, isn't he, Michelle? Big, whoargh .
.
cuddly Alan.
We're really sorry to hear about your dad, Colin.
Oh, he was 91, Michelle.
No' exactly a big shock.
So, what would you like to drink? Oh, no, we're fine, honestly.
Alan, would you like a drink? Aye.
What would you like? I'm having a brandy, Alan, in honour of Willie and Seve Ballesteros.
Brandy for Alan.
Brandy, Michelle? Oh, no, thanks, honestly.
An old man has died, Michelle, take a fuckin' drink! UNDER BREATH: Fuck's sake Right Cheers, Alan! Cheers, Michelle! Cheers, everyone! Woohoo! So, was it the funeral today, was it? It was Alan, aye.
Cremation, Alan.
Right.
Followed by a buffet.
Oh, that's nice.
Oh, very modest affair, Michelle.
Couple of pound a head, max.
So had he not been well, Colin? Well, obviously He was all right until a few months ago and then he had a fall.
That's what happens with old folk.
They just fall.
Your mum fell, didn't she? She did.
Er So what happened? Well, it was downhill from there, Michelle, to be honest.
Erm, he took a wee funny turn, then .
.
then he was admitted to hospital and Colin's in a state of grief, Michelle.
I think it's best you don't make him go through the whole experience again.
No, listen, I don't mind Don't do it to yourself, Colin, please.
Oh, sorry.
Michelle, where did your mum fall? Er Greenock.
Shall we put some more music on? Did she bang her head? I'll put some more music on and Gordon can watch me dance.
No, Cathy, we don't need any more music.
Is that the order of service? Do you mind if I have a wee look? Oh, go on, Michelle.
Aye, have a look Michelle.
Look at that, no' even a crucifix or nothing.
I half expected to turn it over and see a list of fried rice dishes on the back.
William Cuthbertson White.
That your dad's name, was it? Willie.
Aye, my uncle, he was Willie as well.
Aye, you don't see so many Willie's about these days, do ye? IAN SNORTS Sorry, sorry.
It's just .
.
sometimes, if it's really serious It's all right.
You're all right, Ian.
I'll tell you worse than that.
I worked wi' a guy called Willie Dick.
BOTH LAUGH Willie Dick! I'm no joking.
OTHERS LAUGH Here, have you ever done that thing where you find out what your porn name is? Oh, aye! Oh, porn names! I love that game! Er, Ian, I don't think now's quite the right Gordon! What's the name of your first pet? What? Yeah, you take the name of your first pet and then you put your mother'swhat is it, Ian? You take the name of your first pet and you put it together with your mum's maiden name and then those two names are the name you would use if you were in a porno film.
So, what's the name of your first pet, Gordon?! Er Toby.
And what was your mum's maiden name before she was married? Nicholls.
So, you'd be Toby Nicholls.
Mm-hm.
See, even his porn name is boring.
Let's do another one.
Beth, you do yours.
No, Cathy.
Oh, say it, go on, ple-e-ease? Fluffy Hunter.
THEY LAUGH HYSTERICALLY All right, all right.
It's a stupid game anyway, Cathy.
Sorry, I I need a glass of water.
Fluffy Hunter! Oh, Christine, do yours.
What is it? The pet? Yes, the pet! Oh, well, it was definitely a tortoise.
I remember that.
Was it George? Aw, hang on, there was a gerbil prior to that.
What was he called? Oh, come on, Christine! Hi, Colin.
Hi, Gordon.
How you feeling? I'm OK.
Well .
.
not bad.
Well, actually I'm .
.
I'm terrible, Gordon.
Oh.
Oh, right.
Anything I can do? What can anyone do, Gordon? What can anyone say? Maybe, don't have another brandy? You know, itit didn't hit me until today, but now that my dad has passed away that's me on my own.
I am now alone in the world.
You're not alone, Colin.
Am I not? No, you're never alone.
We're all here.
I'm here.
C'mere.
There we go.
Good lad.
Oh! Oh, so sorry.
Just came to get a glass of water.
Oh, c'mere.
Come on.
C'mere.
Oh.
Aw Aw Oh So, if we say, for the purposes of this, that the cat predated the gerbil Oh .
.
although it was technically a stray, I remem Hey! You all right, Colin, aye? I'm no bad, Ian.
I'm actually feeling a wee bit better.
Just had a wee chat with Gordon, there.
Oh, good! Good.
And Michelle came through looking for a hug, so .
.
we're naw too bad.
You've just got to accept, don't you, thatthat things move on.
I've got my memories, though.
Well, we all do, by the sounds of things.
He seems to have left his mark on all of us, hasn't he? Oh, aye, aye.
Certainly has, aye.
I didnae know him.
You'll always have your memories, Colin.
Oh, aye.
In fact, do you know what? I can see him sitting just there, exactly where you're sat just now, Christine.
In fact .
.
stand up a minute.
Eh? Stand up.
Come on.
Right Where .
.
where is it? Aye.
There it is.
What is it? That's his burn.
That's where he burnt the carpet wi' his cigarette.
And we had to move the sofa over to cover it up, didn't we, Cath? We did.
Aye, look at that.
I really appreciate you guys being here today.
It means a lot to me.
Aye, you're all right.
We're here for you, Colin.
Without you guys today, I .
.
I don't think I'd have been able to cope.
But yous have really given me the strength I needed.
I .
.
I feel stronger just knowing that yous are here.
Oh, Colin.
In fact, do you know what I think I'd like to do? Not another hug I think I'd actually like to listen to that song.
The one that we started playing in the crematorium, but Now, Colin, are you sure you want to do that? Yes.
Yes, Beth.
I feel I'm ready to listen to it now.
That was my dad's favourite song and, as you say, today is as much about celebrating his memory as it is saying goodbye to him.
So, Cathy, stick it on.
You sure? Aye.
Go on! I want tae hear it! SCOTTISH ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYS COLIN SOBS I fucking knew it! # We all need a hug in the morning and one at the end of the day # As many as possible squeezed in between # To keep life's troubles at bay # No matter wherever you ramble # Your problems be great or be small A hug is the best cure of all.
How you feeling? Aye, I'm OK.
Are you sure? Yeah.
Give me a hug.
Oh, thanks, Cath.
I don't know what I'd do without you.
I honestly don't.
Oh, Col, don't you worry.
We are going to give your dad a funeral that he would be proud of, with all the dignity and respect that he deserves.
Oh, Cath.
You got hankies in your bag? No.
We'll get the hearse to stop at the garage.
This programme contains some strong language Aah, sit down, Beth.
We won't stay long, Cathy.
Mm-hm.
Sit down, Christine, you're allowed in today.
Ooh, it's nice to get into the warm.
That crematorium was freezin'! Which is surprising, cos you'd think that given that the Er, Christine? And their pews were a bit on the hard side, as well.
Tell you, if you wirnae weeping before you went in, you would be after half an hour wi' your arse sat on them.
Er, it was a really nice service, Colin.
Eh? I'm saying the service was lovely.
Do you think so? Oh, yes, very nice, Colin.
The wee minister did an excellent job, I thought.
Aye, he did.
He judged it just right.
Hm.
Mm, very sensitively done.
Yeah.
I thought so, too.
How much did he charge ya, Colin? Right, who's for a drink? Just a tea for me.
Tea? Er, I'll take a coffee.
Oh, aye, I'll have a coffee as well, Cath.
You any decaf? All right, Ian, it's not fuckin' Costa! BREATHY LAUGH Is there anything you'd like us to do, Colin? No, no, yous have been great.
I really appreciate you coming today.
My .
.
my dad spoke very highly of you.
Oh, really? Oh, yes, he was always asking after you and the family.
Ach, he was a good man.
Only last week he said to me, "How's that wee chunky fella next door with the queer son getting on?" Can't believe that's him gone, now.
Was that his preference then, Colin? To be cremated rather than buried? Well, I I've left strict instructions, for when I die it's to be a burial, haven't I Beth? You have.
Aye, a coffin with the satin inside and my best cardigan on, in case I get exhumed.
I just hope we did all right for him.
Aye, I'm sure you did, Colin.
No, no, it was all done very nicely.
I'm sure he'd have been very happy.
Well, I hope so.
I really do.
Let's go and see how Cath's getting on with the kettle.
He's not good, is he? It seemed to be that song they played tipped him.
Aye, what was that?! Well, you know his dad was an accordion player? That was the song he always used to play for Colin when he was a wee boy.
It was just too much for him.
A few tears and a blow at the nose is natural.
That was like something out of The Exorcist! He was gettin' hysterical.
Thank God the minister switched it off.
Oh, him.
He was just wanting the whole thing done and dusted so he could get onto the next one.
It's no' a Bible he should have under his arm, it's a debit card machine.
Look, not everybody wants a big religious affair.
Well, they were in the right place today, then, weren't they? I mean, not one prayer and then a quick blast of The Lord's My Shepherd? I've had better religious experiences with two codeine and a shot at the foot spa.
Guess what? What? I was looking for tea bags and I found a bottle of brandy.
Oh, look Cathy, I'd rather have a tea to be honest.
Oh, Beth! Er, no.
Honestly, Cathy.
It's what Willie would've wanted! Oh, aye, he was very fond of his brandy.
I remember seeing him one morning in ASDA, when he was self-scanning a quarter bottle.
Cathy, is he all right? Who? Colin.
He's awful quiet.
He's definitely not his usual self.
I know.
He's not even wanting sex or anything.
But he's grieving, Cathy.
I know, but he was gagging for it after the dogs got put down! Well, maybe the two of you just need some time on your own? Now .
.
nice to see Ian in a shirt and tie, isn't it? Look at you, Ian! You look like you're all ready for working in a phone shop.
Oh, here he is.
Ah, you all right, Colin? Now, how is my brave boy? Is there anything I can do for you? No.
INAUDIBLE No.
WHISPERS: He still doesn't want to, Beth.
I was just saying your, er, your dad was a man for his brandy, wasn't he? Eh? Oh, aye, aye, aye.
Aye, he liked his brandy.
Mm, a brandy's good for the nerves.
Pat over the back gave me one in DFS when I signed for that couch.
I tell you what else he was very fond of .
.
music.
He was a great man for his music.
I mean, see that accordion? See when I was a wee boy? See, we used to get it out.
He'd get it on his knee and he'd start to play Oh, fuck, he's going to go again.
VOICE BREAKING: He'd always play me the same wee song.
Er, why don't we have a toast? A toast, aye.
That's a good idea.
Colin, shall we have a wee toast? Aye.
Aye, all right, then.
Good man.
Woohoo! I'll get a couple of bottles of prosecco.
No, Cathy, we'll just do it with this! You going to do it, then? What, me? Aye, I don't think I could.
Right, er .
.
erm Oh, for Christ's sake! Will somebody just say something? OK, OK Er Er, wellso, it's been a sad day today, seeing Willie off.
He was ahe was a real character.
Everybody here today will remember him fondly for .
.
for all the many things that, er .
.
that he got up to and all the happy times they had with him.
Er, so, if you'd care to join me in raising a glass .
.
to Willie.
ALL: To Willie! Thank you, Eric.
That was lovely.
Aye, that was nice, Dad.
Here, Colin.
Do you no' think we could maybe say a wee prayer for your dad? Er, no.
I mean, I don't want tae go on aboot it, but that wee minister couldnae lead a fuckin' conga, never mind a prayer! Look, Christine, I don't think Colin wants that.
Actually, thatthatthat might be nice.
Aa prayer might be nice.
Mh-hm.
Right, come on, let's do it properly.
There we go, that's it Eric! Join hands.
Jesus.
Beth, Beththat's it.
Heavenly Father, we are gathered here today in Colin and Cathy's front room to say farewell to Colin's dad, who has recently died and been cremated.
Ashes are expected on Wednesday.
It is Wednesday, Colin, aye? It's Wednesday, aye.
Wednesday, Father.
KNOWING CHUCKLE Bit busy after that cold snap, maybes.
So, we ask you for your comfort at this sad time.
Colin has been quite upset.
In fact, he was crying very loudly when the music came on in the Crematorium.
So much so that the wee minister guy, who you would not have liked, had to press pause on the CD.
Ahem! So, we thank you for being with us today.
And could I just say, also, a wee prayer for Father Di Marco, who has been under a great deal of stress recently.
I personally believe that what happened in 1985 should stay in 1985.
Amen.
ALL: Amen.
I'll tell you the one that really floored me when he died.
And I can remember exactly where I was when I heard the news.
Seve Ballesteros.
Beth, another brandy? No, thank you.
The amount of people that he must have inspired to go up that pitch n' putt is incredible! I see you've had, eryou've had quite aa few cards, Colin.
Oh, aye, he was very well-liked.
PHONE BUZZES That's from Paddy Power, and he got one from a Ladbrokes.
Er, Mum, is it OK if I maybe make a move? Yes, I think so.
Your dad and I are going to be going shortly, too.
What's that, Beth? Ian's just heading off.
What?! Yeah, Gordon's coming to get me.
Said he'd text when he's outside.
What, he's outside now? Well, yeah.
I should maybe just .
.
go and say a quick hello.
Hi, Gordon, honey! RADIO PLAYS "ANNIE'S SONG" BY JOHN DENVER Hi, Cathy.
How are you? Oh, not so good, Gordon, to be honest.
It's Colin's dad's just died and we had to have a funeral.
Yeah, I was sorry to hear that.
Were you quite close to him? To Willie?! Oh! Yeah.
Yeah How's Colin doing? He's terrible, Gordon.
He's taken it very badly.
Would you like to come in and see? No.
Come on.
No, honestly, we Come on! Just for a minute! No, Cathy, I can't.
Thanks very much for coming, Ian.
Aye, no bother, Colin.
And listen .
.
you cherish your parents while they're still around.
Aye, I will.
Aye, look son .
.
I know they can maybe get on your nerves.
I mean, some people find your father very, very boring and .
.
and your mum .
.
she's a bit on the dull side as well, Ian.
But, see, the thing is, see when they're gone? You'll miss them.
Ooh! Change of plan.
Gordon would like to come in now.
We'll have one more and then we'll go.
Look who I found! Sit down, Gordon, sit down.
Ian, give me your jacket.
Come o-o-on! That's it.
Aah Sorry to hear about your dad.
Did the funeral go OK, did it? Oh, it was ait was a nice wee service.
It was very disappointing, Gordon.
Very disappointing.
Gordon, would you like a brandy? I'm driving.
Colin's father has died, Gordon.
ErOK.
I'm sorry I couldn't make it.
It's all right, Gordon.
I'm rubbish at funerals anyway, to be honest.
Are you, Gordon? Are you rubbish? Did you ever meet my dad, Gordon? Erno, I don't think I did.
Er, you did.
Remember that day I pointed him out to you? Oh, the man sleeping on the grass! Hehe was a real character, so he was.
Itit'sit's a sad day.
Ian said he was a musician? That's right.
It was the accordion he played.
Do you know II remember as a wee boy, there was this .
.
there was this one song that he SOBBING: .
.
he used to play for me.
Gordon, do you remember Seve Ballesteros? There you go, Gordon.
We've had a toast already, so just take a sip and then give me a kiss.
Ooh, you taste all boozy.
You stink! You're going to have to get a taxi, now! Beautiful V-neck pullovers.
Every colour under the sun.
You all right there, Colin? Aye.
I'm just thinking, he would have loved all this, you know.
Everybody sat round with a wee glass of something.
And remember that Christmas we had him stay, Cath? Oh, what, when he pissed the couch? Oh, aye, he washe was in great form.
I canI can still picture him sat there with his paper hat and cigarette.
Waiting for the Queen's speech to come on, so he could give her the finger! Was that your last Christmas together? It was the last one he was allowed to come here, yes.
What age was he, Colin? I don't think the minister said.
He was 91.
91, eh? Phew That's what you call a good innings! Oh, aye, aye.
Seve was only 54, Gordon.
If he was 91, then he was born when? Oh, a long time ago, Beth.
1928 he was born.
So, was he in, like, the war and that? No, Christ, he'd have only been a boy.
My grandpa was in the D-Day landings.
Shh, Gordon.
Ian, another brandy? SHE PINGS GLASS He did National Service, though.
Aye, well, that was the thing.
I mean youyou had to.
See, if you'd been around then, you'd have had to go in the army whether you liked it or not.
Oh, no, Eric.
They didn't take homosexuals.
We've still got pictures of him somewhere in uniform.
Fuck, not them Not now, Colin, too soon.
Don't upset yourself.
I can still remember him whistling all the old songs that he'd picked up in the barracks, you know? It's A Long Way To Tipperary, Pack Up Your Troubles and what was the .
.
what was the marching one, again? HE WHISTLES COLONEL BOGEY MARCH Oh, aye, aye, aye.
Oh, yeah ALL JOIN IN APART FROM CATHY Go on, Gordon.
March! March! Pfff! Pfff! Pfff! Pfff! Pfff! Pfff! Pfff! SHE LAUGHS I remember him whistling that clear as day.
This isnae the same couch that he pissed on, is it? Cathy Oh, Beth! I mean, thank God I got all this ice in! Listen, I don't think we'll stay much longer.
Sorry? Well, we'll head off and leave you and Colin to have a bit of time to yourselves.
No, you can't do that, Beth.
Why? Because Willie's dead.
I know! And I think Colin needs a bit of time to himself to deal with it.
You say that, Beth, but I think he's taken a great deal of comfort from us all being around him and enjoying our drinks! I really think, Cathy I.
Am.
Colin's.
Wife, Beth.
I know what he needs.
What he needs is for you to take this ice, go back through to the sofa and stop trying to spoil the party! Now, Father Di Marco.
His funerals are something else.
People come from all over to attend them.
Really? Here, you should come tae one when he gets back! Where is he? He's on a wee break in Argentina.
Gordon, what do you think of Ian and his tie? It's, er .
.
yes.
Looks good.
Ian, do you like Gordon in his shirt? Er .
.
yeah.
Maybe you two should just stay the night.
Naw Oh, no, you can if you want.
I'veI've heard guys doing it before.
In hotels.
Oh, here he is! Here's my boy with the empty bladder.
All right there, Colin? Aye.
We, erm We gave him a good send-off, didn't we? Course you did.
Oh, aye, yeah.
Do you think? Definitely, aye.
Well It's a sad day but, in a way, it's a good day, eh? Mh-hm.
That's it.
We're sad that he's gone, but it's good to be able to celebrate his life.
In some bits of the world, the whole thing's a celebration.
Aye, that's true.
Like Mexico.
Oh, Mexico.
Pat's son went to Cancun and somebody wrote a T on the end of his luggage tag.
New Orleans.
I mean, the whole thing there's like a big party.
Oh, aye.
They've got the bands and all that, haven't they? The jazz bands.
Ooh, I like the sound of that! Yeah, everybody has a bit of a dance and joins in.
Oh, yeah! Well, we should play some music! Do you really think that's a good idea, Cathy? Oh, Colin, that would make you feel better.
Let's play some music! I mean, not jazz, cos that's just shit.
Well, a hymn would be a Shut up, Christine! Right .
.
Oh, I know, I know, I know! Oh, I love this song! SMOOTH, SEXY MUSIC PLAYS Such a good idea, Gordon.
Now, listen, we've had the funeral, very sad.
Poor Willie, in his coffin, off he goes behind the curtain.
Lots of sandwiches and speeches.
But that's all finished, now.
Now? We're going to have a party.
MUSIC BECOMES LOUD AND UPBEA Woo! Yes! Come on, Col! Woo! DOORBELL RINGS Who the fuck is that?! Oh! Hi, Cathy.
Michelle.
Erm, we heard about Colin's dad.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
It's .
.
it's really sad.
I got you a wee card, so Oh, look, thanks, Michelle! Come in.
Oh, no, I won't just now.
I just thought Come on, all the sad stuff's finished.
We're having drinks now.
Are you sure? Yes, in you come! OK, well, I'll just let Alan know.
Where is he? Oh, Alan, Alan! Ala-a-an! Come in! Colin's dad's died and we're celebrating! What's happened to the music?! I turned it off, Cathy.
Michelle's here, everyone! Hi there.
Hello, Michelle.
Michelle brought you a card, Colin.
A-a-aw Aw, that's lovely.
Sit down, Michelle.
Sit down.
Oh, here's Alan! Hug Alan, too.
Hug Alan.
There you go, nice cuddle.
Oh, he's cuddly, isn't he, Michelle? Big, whoargh .
.
cuddly Alan.
We're really sorry to hear about your dad, Colin.
Oh, he was 91, Michelle.
No' exactly a big shock.
So, what would you like to drink? Oh, no, we're fine, honestly.
Alan, would you like a drink? Aye.
What would you like? I'm having a brandy, Alan, in honour of Willie and Seve Ballesteros.
Brandy for Alan.
Brandy, Michelle? Oh, no, thanks, honestly.
An old man has died, Michelle, take a fuckin' drink! UNDER BREATH: Fuck's sake Right Cheers, Alan! Cheers, Michelle! Cheers, everyone! Woohoo! So, was it the funeral today, was it? It was Alan, aye.
Cremation, Alan.
Right.
Followed by a buffet.
Oh, that's nice.
Oh, very modest affair, Michelle.
Couple of pound a head, max.
So had he not been well, Colin? Well, obviously He was all right until a few months ago and then he had a fall.
That's what happens with old folk.
They just fall.
Your mum fell, didn't she? She did.
Er So what happened? Well, it was downhill from there, Michelle, to be honest.
Erm, he took a wee funny turn, then .
.
then he was admitted to hospital and Colin's in a state of grief, Michelle.
I think it's best you don't make him go through the whole experience again.
No, listen, I don't mind Don't do it to yourself, Colin, please.
Oh, sorry.
Michelle, where did your mum fall? Er Greenock.
Shall we put some more music on? Did she bang her head? I'll put some more music on and Gordon can watch me dance.
No, Cathy, we don't need any more music.
Is that the order of service? Do you mind if I have a wee look? Oh, go on, Michelle.
Aye, have a look Michelle.
Look at that, no' even a crucifix or nothing.
I half expected to turn it over and see a list of fried rice dishes on the back.
William Cuthbertson White.
That your dad's name, was it? Willie.
Aye, my uncle, he was Willie as well.
Aye, you don't see so many Willie's about these days, do ye? IAN SNORTS Sorry, sorry.
It's just .
.
sometimes, if it's really serious It's all right.
You're all right, Ian.
I'll tell you worse than that.
I worked wi' a guy called Willie Dick.
BOTH LAUGH Willie Dick! I'm no joking.
OTHERS LAUGH Here, have you ever done that thing where you find out what your porn name is? Oh, aye! Oh, porn names! I love that game! Er, Ian, I don't think now's quite the right Gordon! What's the name of your first pet? What? Yeah, you take the name of your first pet and then you put your mother'swhat is it, Ian? You take the name of your first pet and you put it together with your mum's maiden name and then those two names are the name you would use if you were in a porno film.
So, what's the name of your first pet, Gordon?! Er Toby.
And what was your mum's maiden name before she was married? Nicholls.
So, you'd be Toby Nicholls.
Mm-hm.
See, even his porn name is boring.
Let's do another one.
Beth, you do yours.
No, Cathy.
Oh, say it, go on, ple-e-ease? Fluffy Hunter.
THEY LAUGH HYSTERICALLY All right, all right.
It's a stupid game anyway, Cathy.
Sorry, I I need a glass of water.
Fluffy Hunter! Oh, Christine, do yours.
What is it? The pet? Yes, the pet! Oh, well, it was definitely a tortoise.
I remember that.
Was it George? Aw, hang on, there was a gerbil prior to that.
What was he called? Oh, come on, Christine! Hi, Colin.
Hi, Gordon.
How you feeling? I'm OK.
Well .
.
not bad.
Well, actually I'm .
.
I'm terrible, Gordon.
Oh.
Oh, right.
Anything I can do? What can anyone do, Gordon? What can anyone say? Maybe, don't have another brandy? You know, itit didn't hit me until today, but now that my dad has passed away that's me on my own.
I am now alone in the world.
You're not alone, Colin.
Am I not? No, you're never alone.
We're all here.
I'm here.
C'mere.
There we go.
Good lad.
Oh! Oh, so sorry.
Just came to get a glass of water.
Oh, c'mere.
Come on.
C'mere.
Oh.
Aw Aw Oh So, if we say, for the purposes of this, that the cat predated the gerbil Oh .
.
although it was technically a stray, I remem Hey! You all right, Colin, aye? I'm no bad, Ian.
I'm actually feeling a wee bit better.
Just had a wee chat with Gordon, there.
Oh, good! Good.
And Michelle came through looking for a hug, so .
.
we're naw too bad.
You've just got to accept, don't you, thatthat things move on.
I've got my memories, though.
Well, we all do, by the sounds of things.
He seems to have left his mark on all of us, hasn't he? Oh, aye, aye.
Certainly has, aye.
I didnae know him.
You'll always have your memories, Colin.
Oh, aye.
In fact, do you know what? I can see him sitting just there, exactly where you're sat just now, Christine.
In fact .
.
stand up a minute.
Eh? Stand up.
Come on.
Right Where .
.
where is it? Aye.
There it is.
What is it? That's his burn.
That's where he burnt the carpet wi' his cigarette.
And we had to move the sofa over to cover it up, didn't we, Cath? We did.
Aye, look at that.
I really appreciate you guys being here today.
It means a lot to me.
Aye, you're all right.
We're here for you, Colin.
Without you guys today, I .
.
I don't think I'd have been able to cope.
But yous have really given me the strength I needed.
I .
.
I feel stronger just knowing that yous are here.
Oh, Colin.
In fact, do you know what I think I'd like to do? Not another hug I think I'd actually like to listen to that song.
The one that we started playing in the crematorium, but Now, Colin, are you sure you want to do that? Yes.
Yes, Beth.
I feel I'm ready to listen to it now.
That was my dad's favourite song and, as you say, today is as much about celebrating his memory as it is saying goodbye to him.
So, Cathy, stick it on.
You sure? Aye.
Go on! I want tae hear it! SCOTTISH ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYS COLIN SOBS I fucking knew it! # We all need a hug in the morning and one at the end of the day # As many as possible squeezed in between # To keep life's troubles at bay # No matter wherever you ramble # Your problems be great or be small A hug is the best cure of all.