Will and Grace s04e02 Episode Script
Past & Presents
Hey, should we learn how to swing? What do you mean "swing"? - Dance - Then no Anyway, don't forget Saturday is Nathan's birthday Guess what I got him and keep in mind that the three things he loves most are zen, art, and motorcycle maintenance Oh, my god I love this game! Is itis it.
.
isI'm out A signed, first edition of "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance!" Isn't that perfect? I mean, can you just imagine the look on his face when he sees this? - He's gonna go nuts - An amazing book It articulates an entirely new philosophy for living - It changed my life - You never read that book No, but without it, I would have had a table that went like this-- I'm so sorry I'm late The meeting ran a little long What meeting? In that room down the hall No idea what they're yammering about but they had cinnabons and coffee It was good We got a lot done Who was that? Kevin Wolchek Can you believe that? He's working here now - The Kevin Wolchek? - The Kevin Wolchek The Kevin Wolchek? Who's Kevin Wolchek? The creep who bullied Will all through elementary school his archenemy, his nemesis Yes, I'll never forget the time he and his evil sidekick Prunehead tried to send me to the eighth dimension He's just a bully Just a bully? He was awful! He used to dump Will in the cafeteria garbage can if he didn't do his homework Well, I, too was bullied as a child I went through a lot but I'm proud to say no one ever forced me to do their homework That was probably because they never assigned a history paper on the rise of the leg warmer Yeah, I went to a crappy school Will, I can't believe how casual you're being about this I mean, this is the guy who changed the name on your locker from "Will Truman" to "Will Woman.
" Wow, that's brill The best I ever came up with was "Will Trumpetman.
" I gotta go back to the drawing board I'll give you a little sample of what I'm working on How about "Dill Truman"? It's supposed to be "Will.
" Sweetie, are you gonna be ok? You sure you don't want me to stick around in case Kevin comes back? You know I'm a good biter I once bit a jump rope in half Why? What do you mean, "why"?! Ok, thank you No.
Don't worry, honey It was a million years ago You know, we're all grownups now Àª & ±×·¹À̽º (Past And Presents) ³×ÀÌÆ® µå ó¸ 24 Ŭ·´ Will & Grace ÀÚ¸·ÆÀ Will & Grace Season 4 I am so excited to give Nathan his birthday present He's gonna freak-- wait for it-- out Oh, honey, come on He doesn't care about a present He's a man Just flash him a little boob Oh, I'm sorry, honey That was mean Congratulations I see they're finally giving out medals for evil Another bad job interview I don't know what I'm doing wrong Have I got a classy boyfriend or what? Come here Hey, hey, hey.
Come on.
Come on This is a place of business so unless you're gonna charge him for that, take it outside Come on, Karen, like you never got a little at the office? Well, at least she had the decency to be by herself A-ha ha a-ha ha ha It's funny 'cause it's true So what are you doing here? Well, you know I was just sitting at home thinking the highlight of my day is a kiss from my girlfriend and I'm not waiting till 6:00 for that You are such a liar It's just 'cause you couldn't find the birthday present at the apartment? I tore the place apart I--I even looked through your underwear drawer I found where you hide my competition Ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha.
It's funny 'cause it's sad I also found a stack of white shirts wrapped in blue paper Is that my present? Will's laundry Oh, shoot I already returned it Well, I gotta go I have an appointment for a small business loan You gotta admit that is a cute guy Yeah.
I would do him nice and good Ha ha ha It's funny 'cause it'll never happen Hey, Will I'm gonna need you to-- Hey! - Catch you at a bad time, or-- - No! No, I was just, uh-- You were lotioning That's nice You know, I'm sure a lot of guys do that For your information I was not lotioning Yes, I was lotioning but I happen to have a prescription from my doctor Well, which doctor would that be? Your gyno? You here for a reason? Yeah, actually, I need you to draft a contract for my meeting with D.
T.
Petersen Peterson the meat guy? He's not my client Yeah, I know, but I'm taking this chick out to dinner tonight, so So? So make it about ten pages and use plenty of big words Wait.
Wait a minute! Whoa Are you kidding me with this?! I'm not gonna do your homework for you I think you will - No, I won't - Yeah, you will - But-- - Just do it Or what? You're gonna-- you're gonna beat me up at 3:15 at the flagpole? Come on.
What-- That might have worked on me when I was in fourth grade but I'm an adult now You know, I--I wear suits and stuff I'm not scared of you Boo! All right, where is it? Come on Ok, ok, ok At the risk of tooting my own horn which I don't have to do anymore since I have you in my life I think I really outdid myself Oh, I want to give my gift! I want to give mine! Girls, please, I don't want to see you fight over me unless you take your tops off and cover yourself in mud Oh, lord! Did I just guess my gift? Ok, ok, Karen, you go first I'll be the big finish Ok, now, Nathaniel I just got you a little something 'cause I didn't really have a lot of time So you're gonna have to forgive me Sorry Oh, Salesman Oh, my god!! Oh, my god A motorcycle You got him a motorcycle?! Happy birthday Thank you, Salesman You You got me a Ducati Monster S4? Is it ok? Is it-- I just-- I never-- Oh ho! What are you doing? My happy dance! Otherwise known as my Ducati Monster S4 dance Karen, this is the greatest gift I've ever gotten in my life Thank you so much! Yay! More presents! Come on, Grace Come on.
Give him yours Um, no, um, I think, you know I'm just gonna wait till later No, come on.
Don't be silly Give it to him now Yeah, baby Ok, ok.
Ok Um Happy birthday Cool "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.
" Oh, I get it Because Karen got me the motorcycle Oh! Thank you, gracious Vroom! Vroom! Uh, well, that's just-- that's just really-- that's part one of my present and wait till you see part two You're just gonna-- You're gonna--Aah! Um, not--not today It's a Jewish thing You know how we like to stretch out the gifts Oh.
You jews are great Except for that circumcision thing Hey, you mind if I take it for a test spin? No, honey! Go ahead! You were right Birthday's are fun! You know, next year I think I'll get him a sidecar Do they still make sidecars or do they-- Honey, you're a little close I'm going to kick your ass Well, why, honey? What did I do?? You trumped my gift The first gift The gift he'll always remember And because of that I'm going to kick your ass Honey, you're scaring me a little bit I'm a little scared, too, Karen 'cause I have never been so overwhelmed with the desire to kick your ass Look, honey it's an attractive gay man! What are you doing here? I have people coming over Woke up this morning with a--with a-- in my, um In your what? Nothing.
I just-- I have a bit of a-- and I-- my stomach hurts Oh, dear - I think you may have a touch of S.
C.
S - What's that? That would be "scaredy-cat syndrome.
" It's a strain of the fraidy-cat virus was going around last summer Jack-- You may need a Kevin-Wolchek-oscopy I'm sick, ok? I have a cough, and my tummy hurts Now, make me a grilled cheese sandwich and roll the TV in here I want to watch my stories Hey, fellas Ah, there's nothing like hopping on your hog first thing in the morning and riding it till your butt gets tired You're preaching to the choir, ok? Hey, what are you doing home? I got people coming over Will's pretending he's sick 'cause he's afraid he's gonna get beat up by Kevin Wolchek Oh, right, that bully guy.
Yeah Grace told me about "Will Woman.
" Which I didn't laugh at Hang in there, man Look at you I am very disappointed in you You are?! Well, you think I like feeling like this Again?! You know, by the time I got to the fourth grade the guy had made me such a nervous wreck that I ate lunch every day with the janitor Always left there feeling better, though Probably 'cause I was swigging kahlua out of Mr.
Pang's thermos Then why don't you do something about it?! Fight back! Put on your pink boxing gloves and start crying I'm not a fighter, ok? I--I--I bruise like a summer fruit Well, if you're not gonna do it for yourself, then do it for me And, Will, do it for every loser geek, weakling, homo, ethnic, fatty smarty sitting alone under the jungle-gym petrified that they're gonna get beat up for being different You're right Why am I putting up with this? I mean, I-I'm not a boy - I'm a man - Attaboy! So here's what you're gonna do You're gonna get up You're gonna go into that office and you're gonna beat the crap outta that guy You hear me? Come on! Get mad! - I am! I'm mad! - Good, so what are you gonna do?! I'm gonna beat the crap out of him Don't say it like that Say it like this I'm gonna beat the crap outta that guy! Say it! Believe it! Who we going after?! Kevin Wolchek! - What are you gonna do?! - Beat the crap out of him! - And what are you gonna wear?! - Jeans! No! Khakis! Morning, Grace Morning Whatcha doing? Just getting some coffee Karen, tell Bodyguard he can go I no longer plan to kick your ass Ok.
Down, number five! Listen, uh, why don't you head home and stand guard over the prime rib This morning I saw Rosario giving it the glad eye Little tip for Bodyguard Someone needs to reunite him with his estranged brother Right Guard So what are you doing there, honey? I am wrapping a present for Nathan trying to undo what you did to me Refresh my drink What did I do again? You bought Nathan a motorcycle! I'm the girlfriend I'm the one who's supposed to give the best gift and now, thanks to four credit cards and an application to sell Will's sperm on the Internet, I do Well, honey, if it's that big a problem I could just take the motorcycle back No, no, no, no.
No need 'Cause now I have a present that's better than yours Oh, that's great Who wrote it? It's not a book It's a watch a very expensive diving watch So that if Nathan ever finds himself two,000 feet under water And needs to know what time it is he ain't gonna be looking at a motorcycle Well, honey, I I hope you don't feel like you have to compete with me I don't I'm not competing But if I were I'd be winning, so pfft! Why, Grace Alden I can't believe what I'm hearing Adler My last name is Adler Oh, that's pretty Yeah, I love my new bike I've been riding it up and down the footpath in Central Park and I'll tell ya people don't like that - Are you ready to go to dinner? - Uh, yeah.
Yeah we should get going Oh, by the way, Nathan, what time is it? I don't know I don't have a watch on Really? No watch on - Nope - Really? 'Cause you left it at home? No, I actually I don't own a watch Really? But if you did, you'd probably wear it all the time, right? No, I hate watches Reall-- What?! Hey! Where you been, Woman? I need that contract right now Well, good news I got five contracts One, two, three, four, five Maybe you didn't hear me It's go time Do you actually have your dukes up? Oh, yeah.
Let me tell you something these dukes are your hazard - All right, let's do it - Aah! Wait! Wait, wait.
Ok I can't do this I--I don't want to fight you, ok? You're right I am a woman I'm not even as tough as a woman You know, I once tried using an Epilady and I had to see a specialist There's your contract.
I did it So just leave me alone, ok? You know, you did the right thing, Will you know, and look at the bright side You know that chick I took out last night? Nailed her Hey, listen, maybe after dinner I'll take you for a ride on my new bike They say it's a chick magnet but it's also a pigeon-crap magnet and a dog-whiz magnet Ok, ok, ok, ok I get it You love the damn bike Why don't you just marry it? Well, I would, but I'm afraid of what our kids would look like Are you ok? You seem a little weird You want to know what's wrong with me?? Karen's gift meant more to you than mine Hers got this huge reaction and what did mine get? Well, Grace, it was a book How excited could I get without looking like a geek? Perfect So you hated it No, no, I loved it It's just-- Grace I can't read Oh, my god.
I didn't-- I should have known.
That is so-- I can read You've seen me read Look, I love the book and I'm gonna love part two of my gift, whatever it is Where is it? There is no part two I--I got you a watch and you hate watches So, luckily, it fits me but that's it I got nothing All I got for part two is-- is I love you That's my gift It's not very fast it doesn't require a helmet but it's pretty powerful and I hope you like it What are you doing? The happy dance That's the best gift I've ever gotten It is? Yes.
What more do I need? You are a very sweet man In clingy pants with no underwear on Please sit down Ok, Mr.
Petersen, here's the final draft of the merger agreement I think you'll find that everything's in order "Pursuant to standard legal codes" "the party of the first part D.
T.
Petersen President" and Chief Executive Officer of Petersen Meats" Incorporated, will hereafter be referred to as 'The Big Wiener.
'" Excuse me? What the hell is this about? Uh-- "Upon completion of the merger" "the base of operation for the new corporation will now" "be located one foot inside my big, pimply ass.
" Uh "Kevin Wolchek has not done his own homework since he was eight years old" "One can only assume he received his law degree" "after consensual soft kissing with his torts professor.
" Uh, ok, uh, can you just pardon me for, uh, one moment?
.
isI'm out A signed, first edition of "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance!" Isn't that perfect? I mean, can you just imagine the look on his face when he sees this? - He's gonna go nuts - An amazing book It articulates an entirely new philosophy for living - It changed my life - You never read that book No, but without it, I would have had a table that went like this-- I'm so sorry I'm late The meeting ran a little long What meeting? In that room down the hall No idea what they're yammering about but they had cinnabons and coffee It was good We got a lot done Who was that? Kevin Wolchek Can you believe that? He's working here now - The Kevin Wolchek? - The Kevin Wolchek The Kevin Wolchek? Who's Kevin Wolchek? The creep who bullied Will all through elementary school his archenemy, his nemesis Yes, I'll never forget the time he and his evil sidekick Prunehead tried to send me to the eighth dimension He's just a bully Just a bully? He was awful! He used to dump Will in the cafeteria garbage can if he didn't do his homework Well, I, too was bullied as a child I went through a lot but I'm proud to say no one ever forced me to do their homework That was probably because they never assigned a history paper on the rise of the leg warmer Yeah, I went to a crappy school Will, I can't believe how casual you're being about this I mean, this is the guy who changed the name on your locker from "Will Truman" to "Will Woman.
" Wow, that's brill The best I ever came up with was "Will Trumpetman.
" I gotta go back to the drawing board I'll give you a little sample of what I'm working on How about "Dill Truman"? It's supposed to be "Will.
" Sweetie, are you gonna be ok? You sure you don't want me to stick around in case Kevin comes back? You know I'm a good biter I once bit a jump rope in half Why? What do you mean, "why"?! Ok, thank you No.
Don't worry, honey It was a million years ago You know, we're all grownups now Àª & ±×·¹À̽º (Past And Presents) ³×ÀÌÆ® µå ó¸ 24 Ŭ·´ Will & Grace ÀÚ¸·ÆÀ Will & Grace Season 4 I am so excited to give Nathan his birthday present He's gonna freak-- wait for it-- out Oh, honey, come on He doesn't care about a present He's a man Just flash him a little boob Oh, I'm sorry, honey That was mean Congratulations I see they're finally giving out medals for evil Another bad job interview I don't know what I'm doing wrong Have I got a classy boyfriend or what? Come here Hey, hey, hey.
Come on.
Come on This is a place of business so unless you're gonna charge him for that, take it outside Come on, Karen, like you never got a little at the office? Well, at least she had the decency to be by herself A-ha ha a-ha ha ha It's funny 'cause it's true So what are you doing here? Well, you know I was just sitting at home thinking the highlight of my day is a kiss from my girlfriend and I'm not waiting till 6:00 for that You are such a liar It's just 'cause you couldn't find the birthday present at the apartment? I tore the place apart I--I even looked through your underwear drawer I found where you hide my competition Ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha.
It's funny 'cause it's sad I also found a stack of white shirts wrapped in blue paper Is that my present? Will's laundry Oh, shoot I already returned it Well, I gotta go I have an appointment for a small business loan You gotta admit that is a cute guy Yeah.
I would do him nice and good Ha ha ha It's funny 'cause it'll never happen Hey, Will I'm gonna need you to-- Hey! - Catch you at a bad time, or-- - No! No, I was just, uh-- You were lotioning That's nice You know, I'm sure a lot of guys do that For your information I was not lotioning Yes, I was lotioning but I happen to have a prescription from my doctor Well, which doctor would that be? Your gyno? You here for a reason? Yeah, actually, I need you to draft a contract for my meeting with D.
T.
Petersen Peterson the meat guy? He's not my client Yeah, I know, but I'm taking this chick out to dinner tonight, so So? So make it about ten pages and use plenty of big words Wait.
Wait a minute! Whoa Are you kidding me with this?! I'm not gonna do your homework for you I think you will - No, I won't - Yeah, you will - But-- - Just do it Or what? You're gonna-- you're gonna beat me up at 3:15 at the flagpole? Come on.
What-- That might have worked on me when I was in fourth grade but I'm an adult now You know, I--I wear suits and stuff I'm not scared of you Boo! All right, where is it? Come on Ok, ok, ok At the risk of tooting my own horn which I don't have to do anymore since I have you in my life I think I really outdid myself Oh, I want to give my gift! I want to give mine! Girls, please, I don't want to see you fight over me unless you take your tops off and cover yourself in mud Oh, lord! Did I just guess my gift? Ok, ok, Karen, you go first I'll be the big finish Ok, now, Nathaniel I just got you a little something 'cause I didn't really have a lot of time So you're gonna have to forgive me Sorry Oh, Salesman Oh, my god!! Oh, my god A motorcycle You got him a motorcycle?! Happy birthday Thank you, Salesman You You got me a Ducati Monster S4? Is it ok? Is it-- I just-- I never-- Oh ho! What are you doing? My happy dance! Otherwise known as my Ducati Monster S4 dance Karen, this is the greatest gift I've ever gotten in my life Thank you so much! Yay! More presents! Come on, Grace Come on.
Give him yours Um, no, um, I think, you know I'm just gonna wait till later No, come on.
Don't be silly Give it to him now Yeah, baby Ok, ok.
Ok Um Happy birthday Cool "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.
" Oh, I get it Because Karen got me the motorcycle Oh! Thank you, gracious Vroom! Vroom! Uh, well, that's just-- that's just really-- that's part one of my present and wait till you see part two You're just gonna-- You're gonna--Aah! Um, not--not today It's a Jewish thing You know how we like to stretch out the gifts Oh.
You jews are great Except for that circumcision thing Hey, you mind if I take it for a test spin? No, honey! Go ahead! You were right Birthday's are fun! You know, next year I think I'll get him a sidecar Do they still make sidecars or do they-- Honey, you're a little close I'm going to kick your ass Well, why, honey? What did I do?? You trumped my gift The first gift The gift he'll always remember And because of that I'm going to kick your ass Honey, you're scaring me a little bit I'm a little scared, too, Karen 'cause I have never been so overwhelmed with the desire to kick your ass Look, honey it's an attractive gay man! What are you doing here? I have people coming over Woke up this morning with a--with a-- in my, um In your what? Nothing.
I just-- I have a bit of a-- and I-- my stomach hurts Oh, dear - I think you may have a touch of S.
C.
S - What's that? That would be "scaredy-cat syndrome.
" It's a strain of the fraidy-cat virus was going around last summer Jack-- You may need a Kevin-Wolchek-oscopy I'm sick, ok? I have a cough, and my tummy hurts Now, make me a grilled cheese sandwich and roll the TV in here I want to watch my stories Hey, fellas Ah, there's nothing like hopping on your hog first thing in the morning and riding it till your butt gets tired You're preaching to the choir, ok? Hey, what are you doing home? I got people coming over Will's pretending he's sick 'cause he's afraid he's gonna get beat up by Kevin Wolchek Oh, right, that bully guy.
Yeah Grace told me about "Will Woman.
" Which I didn't laugh at Hang in there, man Look at you I am very disappointed in you You are?! Well, you think I like feeling like this Again?! You know, by the time I got to the fourth grade the guy had made me such a nervous wreck that I ate lunch every day with the janitor Always left there feeling better, though Probably 'cause I was swigging kahlua out of Mr.
Pang's thermos Then why don't you do something about it?! Fight back! Put on your pink boxing gloves and start crying I'm not a fighter, ok? I--I--I bruise like a summer fruit Well, if you're not gonna do it for yourself, then do it for me And, Will, do it for every loser geek, weakling, homo, ethnic, fatty smarty sitting alone under the jungle-gym petrified that they're gonna get beat up for being different You're right Why am I putting up with this? I mean, I-I'm not a boy - I'm a man - Attaboy! So here's what you're gonna do You're gonna get up You're gonna go into that office and you're gonna beat the crap outta that guy You hear me? Come on! Get mad! - I am! I'm mad! - Good, so what are you gonna do?! I'm gonna beat the crap out of him Don't say it like that Say it like this I'm gonna beat the crap outta that guy! Say it! Believe it! Who we going after?! Kevin Wolchek! - What are you gonna do?! - Beat the crap out of him! - And what are you gonna wear?! - Jeans! No! Khakis! Morning, Grace Morning Whatcha doing? Just getting some coffee Karen, tell Bodyguard he can go I no longer plan to kick your ass Ok.
Down, number five! Listen, uh, why don't you head home and stand guard over the prime rib This morning I saw Rosario giving it the glad eye Little tip for Bodyguard Someone needs to reunite him with his estranged brother Right Guard So what are you doing there, honey? I am wrapping a present for Nathan trying to undo what you did to me Refresh my drink What did I do again? You bought Nathan a motorcycle! I'm the girlfriend I'm the one who's supposed to give the best gift and now, thanks to four credit cards and an application to sell Will's sperm on the Internet, I do Well, honey, if it's that big a problem I could just take the motorcycle back No, no, no, no.
No need 'Cause now I have a present that's better than yours Oh, that's great Who wrote it? It's not a book It's a watch a very expensive diving watch So that if Nathan ever finds himself two,000 feet under water And needs to know what time it is he ain't gonna be looking at a motorcycle Well, honey, I I hope you don't feel like you have to compete with me I don't I'm not competing But if I were I'd be winning, so pfft! Why, Grace Alden I can't believe what I'm hearing Adler My last name is Adler Oh, that's pretty Yeah, I love my new bike I've been riding it up and down the footpath in Central Park and I'll tell ya people don't like that - Are you ready to go to dinner? - Uh, yeah.
Yeah we should get going Oh, by the way, Nathan, what time is it? I don't know I don't have a watch on Really? No watch on - Nope - Really? 'Cause you left it at home? No, I actually I don't own a watch Really? But if you did, you'd probably wear it all the time, right? No, I hate watches Reall-- What?! Hey! Where you been, Woman? I need that contract right now Well, good news I got five contracts One, two, three, four, five Maybe you didn't hear me It's go time Do you actually have your dukes up? Oh, yeah.
Let me tell you something these dukes are your hazard - All right, let's do it - Aah! Wait! Wait, wait.
Ok I can't do this I--I don't want to fight you, ok? You're right I am a woman I'm not even as tough as a woman You know, I once tried using an Epilady and I had to see a specialist There's your contract.
I did it So just leave me alone, ok? You know, you did the right thing, Will you know, and look at the bright side You know that chick I took out last night? Nailed her Hey, listen, maybe after dinner I'll take you for a ride on my new bike They say it's a chick magnet but it's also a pigeon-crap magnet and a dog-whiz magnet Ok, ok, ok, ok I get it You love the damn bike Why don't you just marry it? Well, I would, but I'm afraid of what our kids would look like Are you ok? You seem a little weird You want to know what's wrong with me?? Karen's gift meant more to you than mine Hers got this huge reaction and what did mine get? Well, Grace, it was a book How excited could I get without looking like a geek? Perfect So you hated it No, no, I loved it It's just-- Grace I can't read Oh, my god.
I didn't-- I should have known.
That is so-- I can read You've seen me read Look, I love the book and I'm gonna love part two of my gift, whatever it is Where is it? There is no part two I--I got you a watch and you hate watches So, luckily, it fits me but that's it I got nothing All I got for part two is-- is I love you That's my gift It's not very fast it doesn't require a helmet but it's pretty powerful and I hope you like it What are you doing? The happy dance That's the best gift I've ever gotten It is? Yes.
What more do I need? You are a very sweet man In clingy pants with no underwear on Please sit down Ok, Mr.
Petersen, here's the final draft of the merger agreement I think you'll find that everything's in order "Pursuant to standard legal codes" "the party of the first part D.
T.
Petersen President" and Chief Executive Officer of Petersen Meats" Incorporated, will hereafter be referred to as 'The Big Wiener.
'" Excuse me? What the hell is this about? Uh-- "Upon completion of the merger" "the base of operation for the new corporation will now" "be located one foot inside my big, pimply ass.
" Uh "Kevin Wolchek has not done his own homework since he was eight years old" "One can only assume he received his law degree" "after consensual soft kissing with his torts professor.
" Uh, ok, uh, can you just pardon me for, uh, one moment?