A Bit of Fry & Laurie s04e03 Episode Script
Series 4, Episode 3
I love to dunk.
I'm a great dunker.
Anything.
I just dunk anything.
My husband says I'd dunk my own name if it wasn't stitched on.
-You know, in tea, or in coffee, or in -(MUTTERING) -Hmm? -(STAMMERING) You're doing one of those repeats, I suppose, are you? Filming more of those repeats.
You know I suppose this is what I pay my licence fee for, is it? To keep you lot in jeans and heroin.
LAURIE: Hmm.
-And then I -It's rather irritating, you know.
I'm trying to get through here, and you're There's no room.
No, there's no room.
I want to walk through here I might Look, you see? Oh, but that doesn't matter, does it? No, because you're all You're all right, aren't you? In your jeans and your leather jackets, and youropinions.
When I said I like to dunk a lot of things, just dunk, anything, really.
And, um Oh.
I'm going to write a very stiff letter.
A very stiff letter on cardboard.
-I expect you get a lot of this, do you? -And I shall post it, too.
(SINGING) FRY: (WHISPERING) Between desire and reality.
LAURIE: A bit.
FRY: Between fact and breakfast, madness lies, lies, lies LAURIE: A bit.
FRY: I hate you, I hate you and yet I hate you (FRY SOBBING) As love, rage and aches of the ear.
Pretension by Fry and Laurie.
FRY: Ladies and Ladies, uh Oh, yes.
Ladies and gentleman, welcome to A Bit of Fry and Laurie.
Mesdames et messieurs, bienvenue â Un Morceau de Fry et Laurie.
Stoat messy bim, goat yenda fent stootka Fry stink Laurie.
Lars pebble finger hat, ply bo hen Fry shat Laurie.
Thar mattadatta, polipwippip nipsip, Fry hidden Laurie.
-That's a lovely accent.
-Thank you.
Thank you.
Is that from a tape or No, no, I used to live there in the '70s.
-I thought so, I thought so.
-Mmm, mmm.
Well, anyway, that's enough verbal frotting for the time being.
It's easy to say, you know, that the next half hour will soon be filled with the sound of good fellowship, the laughter of friends, and the sobbing of children.
That's right.
But what is hard, however what is painfully, grindingly, thigh-suckingly hard is to find the words that can adequately describe our first guest this evening.
Well, the easiest bit first.
She's a man.
A man of real distinction, born within moaning distance of Sevenoaks in Kent, our first guest has variously been described as the finest classical murderer of his generation, and also as the Jilly Cooper of anal love.
He's the captain of his soul and the chief petty officer of his destiny, and he brings to A Bit of Fry and Laurie a much-needed injection of heroin.
-He is, of course, Clive Mantle.
-Oh, excellent, I had no idea.
(CROWD CHEERING) Hello, Clive.
Now, Clive, this is very exciting for me.
In fact, this is something of a realisation of a lifelong ambition, as far as I'm concerned.
My colleague wasn't all that keen on having you on, but I insisted.
Really? (UNCOMFORTABLE LAUGHTER) My colleague will have his little joke.
No, sincerely, a great pleasure, Clive.
-Thank you.
-Now, Clive, tell us what you've been up to.
You had a bit of a hard night last night, I understand.
-Not really.
No.
-No? Well, there was something about you and, you know -What? -You and a certain actor from EastEnders.
-Oh, that, well -(LAUGHING LOUDLY) Yeah? A certain amount of hell was raised, I understand? Uh, you know what the press are like, they'd like to blow everything out of all proportion.
I think in your case, nature's already done that, Clive.
But, Clive, tell me.
Um, I've met a number of reformed hell-raisers, but I think I'm right in saying you're the first hell-raiser proper I've ever actually met.
Tell us about this business of hell-raising, what's it all about? Well, I think it's specifically a reference to drinking.
Oh, I see.
So, when they say hell-raiser, they really mean ''drunk.
'' -Correct? -No, I think there's a bit more to it than that.
-Such as? -Well, being rude to waiters, you know, upsetting the odd table, that sort of thing.
(LAUGHING IN AMAZEMENT) Well, something learnt there already, so when they say hell-raiser, they mean, ''Old drunk who is rude to waiters and upsets tables.
'' -I think the idea is that it's quite stylish -Stylish! Well, you know, amusing.
Really? Amusing, really? Well, Stephen, your witness.
No further questions.
Relax, Clive, the rapier is back in its scabbard.
Well, from sad old drunks who are rude to waiters and upset tables -Stylishly.
-Always stylishly.
We move on to our second studio visitor.
You know, ladies and gentleman, when Shakespeare wrote the words, ''Time cannot wither her, nor custom stale her infinite variety,'' it's possible he was thinking of Cleopatra.
But it's also just possible too that he was thinking of our next studio guest.
She's been described as the doyenne of -It's very unlikely.
-Highly unlikely.
-Why? -Well, she was born centuries after Shakespeare.
He couldn't possibly be talking about her, they never met, he'd never heard of her Yeah, all right, all right, all right.
Ladies and gentleman, when Jeffrey Archer wrote the words, ''The expanding bullet mushroomed inside Ullman's thigh, ''splintering bone and tissue, as if it had been cheap crockery,'' it's just possible he was thinking of our next guest.
-Better.
Much better.
-Much better.
Her friends call her Snutty, but to millions of fans of the Littlewoods Catalogue, she is adoringly and affectionately known as the Cardigan Lady.
Ladies and gentleman, please welcome, please ingest, please assimilate gently, the manifold delights of Imelda Staunton.
(CROWD APPLAUDING) Imelda, Imelda, Imelda, Imelda, Imelda, Imelda, Imelda, Imelda, Imelda, Imelda, Imelda.
Imelda, Snutty, Snutty.
-Um, tell us all about your week.
-Oh, well, it's been frantic, Stephen.
-Mmm.
Supermarket openings? -How did you guess? -I didn't.
-Well, you're wrong anyway.
'Cause I've never opened a supermarket in my life.
Fascinating.
Really? -You never opened a supermarket? -No.
I never knew that.
But you do make a number of personal appearances during the course -of your weekly week, don't you? -Yes, yes, that's right.
I did make a personal appearance yesterday, at the hairdresser's, to get my hair, um, you know -Dressed? -Dressed, yeah.
And I also made an appearance at the bus stop to catch a bus.
(EXCLAIMING) They must take an enormous amount out of you, these personal appearances.
Well, yeah.
I've just gotta grin and bear it, though, you know Yes, well, I'd rather you didn't.
My colleague, would you care to cross-examine? -Well, now, Imelda -Oh, oh, oh -Snutty, please.
-Snutty, I'm so sorry.
Snutty, um, when you agreed to come on the show, you said that you'd be prepared to undergo a bit of a challenge.
-No, no, don't say that, now.
-Oh, no You can't back out of it now, because if you do, we'll hit you.
What we want you to do, is to look at this photograph and provide an amusing caption.
Photograph is right over there.
So look at it now.
Look at it.
Look at it! -Ooh, uh -LAURIE: I'll have to hurry you? So it's ''Ooh, uh.
'' Clive, can you do any better than ''Ooh, uh,'' do you think? Uh, well FRY: Hmm.
So, we've got to choose between ''Ooh, uh'' and ''Well.
'' -Tricky.
-Very tricky, indeed.
What do you think, my colleague? -I think we'll have to call it a draw.
-I think you're right.
Imelda, could you accept this old-fashioned English-assortment cigar tin from us as our As your prize? And, Clive.
Please accept this small kiss on the brow from my colleague.
Good night.
Strange man.
And talking of strange men Oh, well, what I always say is, if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, shoot it.
I was christened Gay, you see.
Um, it was a perfectly common name in the 1 950s, but today, well, it has connotations, doesn't it? You know, if you go around saying, ''Hello, I'm Gay.
'' So I went to the Deed Poll place and I changed it to ''Rampantly Homosexual.
'' -Another one please, barman.
-You sure? -What? -No offence, but this will be your seventh.
-You just keep 'em coming.
-Righto.
Your funeral.
-Bitch.
-Come again? -My wife.
-Oh, right, right.
She doesn't understand me.
She's never understood me.
What, Polish or something, is she? You ever been You ever been trapped in a loveless marriage with a woman you despise? Not since I was nine.
Do you like it straight up? -What? -Or with ice? -Ice.
-Righto.
-Cocktail onion? -No, thanks.
She takes no interest in my friends, you know.
She laughs at my -Peanuts? -hobbies.
-She doesn't even value my -Crinkle-cut cheesy Wotsits? career.
You know, it's just so depressing.
-All right, so other men have got larger -Plums? salaries, and better prospects, -and other men can boast a healthier-looking -Stool? lifestyle.
All right, you know, so I haven't got loads of cash hanging around.
You know, but why complain? Other people are worse off.
I've got a job.
-I've got two sweet, rosy -Nibbles? children.
And she's always going on and on and on about my appearance.
I mean, it's not as if she's an oil painting.
-You know, I mean frankly she's -Plain and prawn-flavoured.
She's not as young as she used to be herself.
I don't know why I bother with women.
I'd be better off being a -Fruit? -Well Monk or a hermit or something.
-At least if I was a -Fag? At least if I was a monk, you know, I wouldn't have to put up with women, you know Women going on and on, who can talk the hind leg off a -Camel? -donkey, you know.
The trouble is, I couldn't live without women.
You know, in a monastery the best you can hope for is a bit of Chocolate Hobnob? peace and spirituality.
I mean, let's face it, we haven't slept together for years.
-You know, the best I can hope for is a bit of -Savoury finger? a bit of a Bit of a cuddle at Christmas.
And, naturally, she won't let me give her so much as a Good juicy tongue in the back passage.
as a peck on the cheek.
I tell you I tell you, the trouble with that woman, is that she's just a Rather disgusting-looking tart that should have been disposed of ages ago? She I tell you what it is, she's a complainer.
That's what she is, a complainer.
-Well, one more for the road I think, barman.
-Certainly.
Anything to go with it? Bag of oral sex, if you've got one.
and pants first.
Always pants first.
Then socks.
Then shoes, trousers, shirt, tie, possibly a hat, but only if I'm really hungry.
It's funny, we had this thrush outside our bedroom window, and it kept us awake for weeks.
So, in the end, I got up and poured natural yoghurt all over it.
-Hello, Julie.
-Oh, hello, Frank.
Kettle's on.
Uh, no, ta.
Um, Julie, there's something I wanted to tell you.
Oh, well, can't it wait? Only, I've got to pick Rebecca up at 4:00.
-Oh, not really, no.
-Oh, well, make it quick then.
-Yeah, well, I'm trying.
-Only, I've got to pick Rebecca up at 4:00.
Yeah, but it's not easy.
Oh, blimey.
Look, it's nearly 4:00 now.
I've got to pick Rebecca up in a minute.
No, look, hold on, love.
This is important.
-Important? -Yeah.
-You see, the thing is this.
I've -Bill! -Sorry, am I -No, no, it's all right.
No, Frank was going to tell me something important but I've got to pick Rebecca up at 4:00.
So Well, I'll pick Rebecca up if you like.
-You sure? -Yeah.
-Yeah, no problem.
What time? -Uh, 4:00.
-Oh, blimey, it's nearly 4:00 now.
-I know.
-Well, I'll go and pick her up, then.
-Well, kettle's on.
No thanks, treacle.
Look, I better get a move on so I'll make it by 4:00.
Oh, thanks.
-All right, see you, sis.
-See ya.
-Now then, what's so important? -Well -Kettle's on, by the way.
-No, thanks, no.
-You sure? Won't take a minute.
-No, no, you see, the thing is this, Julie -Sorry, am I? -What's wrong? What's wrong? Rebecca all right? -Oh, fine -No, tell me, what's happened? Nothing's happened.
-It's just -What? Well, where am I going to pick her up from? -Oh, Rebecca? -Yeah.
-Tony's.
-Oh, Tony's.
Great, yeah.
-What time? -I said 4:00.
Oh, blimey.
I'd better make a move or I might not make it by 4:00.
Now then -Let's have that tea.
-Uh, no, not for me.
-You sure? Kettle's on.
-No, really -Two seconds.
Warm the pot -No -couple of tea bags -Julie.
What? -Yeah, ta.
I'd love a cup of tea.
-Ooh.
Now, this big important thing that can't wait Well, it's not very easy, love, 'cause the thing is -Sugar? -Uh, yeah, two.
Thanks.
Look, we've known each other for some time, haven't we? Yeah.
I suppose what I'm trying to say is this, I've been Either of you two seen Bill? -Bill? -Yeah, he's supposed to be giving me a lift.
No, he's gone to fetch Rebecca.
-What time? -9:00.
-9:00? -Oh, no, wait a minute, 4:00.
-4:00? -4:00.
-Sure? -Sure.
He'll be back in a minute.
Oh, I'll hang on then.
Kettle on, is it? (VAUDEVILLE-STYLE MUSIC PLAYING) # Oh, little girl # Would you like a sweetie? Would you put your hand in mine? # I promise not to hurt you Or impinge upon your virtue # All I want is half a second of your time # Oh, little girl # Won't you smile into the camera? # This time I know we'll get the perfect shot # Now do you think that it would hurt If you just undid your shirt # And showed the readers everything you've got? # Little girl # You really mustn't worry No one will respect you any less # When all is said and done You know, it's just a bit of fun # Now be a sport, take off that pretty dress # Little girl # Can't you see now you are famous? # Your name is on the nation's lips # Over breakfast they'll admire you In their lunch hour they'll desire you # And by tea time you'll be wrapping up their chips # Little girl # Congratulations on your record # They played it on the wireless just today # It was fast and rather naughty Went straight in at number 40 # Though the DJ said that's where it ought to stay # Little girl # So you got married to a pop star # I can hardly work my camera for the tears # But as you said your fond goodbyes I got a great one of your thighs # What a shame you were divorced within a year # Little girl # You're not a girl and you're not little # But there's still one thing I'd love it if you'd do # Although she's slightly shorter # I would love to meet your daughter # Do you think that she would like to follow you? # Do you think that she would like to follow you? # (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Conservative.
Sorry.
There it is.
Yes? Ah, well, now I'm I'm a lifelong, dyed-in-the-wool don't-know, really.
(STAMMERING) Well, yeah, you see I got this system.
I mean, I know people say there's no such thing as a perfect system, but, yeah, mine's pretty good.
What happens is, I vote Conservative in elections, and if there isn't an election, I vote Labour.
And that seems to work.
I'm one of those, um One of those ones that Oh, what are they called? The people who change their minds all the time.
An archetypal Oh, what's the phrase? Someone who votes first this way and then that way ''Something'' voter.
That's what I am.
You know, with the pace of modern life being what it is, it's sometimes hard, isn't it, to make time for the simple things, like masturbation, and brewing a really good pot of tea, because we're besieged on all sides, aren't we, by the ''instant'' merchants: instant coffee, instant traffic, instant hair, instant devolution of power to local government through the channels of tariff reform and the implementation of local weighting measures.
Well, to help you slow down and make time, I'm going to get Snutty here to take us through the traditional way to make a pot of hot-strong, hot-strong-good-strong, hot-warming, but not hotting, good-fresh, fresh-good tea.
Good.
Snuts.
Well, the first step is to warm the pot.
Well, priceless piece of advice right there, ladies and gentleman.
Next, find yourself an area of soil, not less than two metres square, preferably south-facing, where you can plant a tea plant.
And that's where we get tea from, is it? Sorry? From the tea plant, that's where we get tea from, is it? No, that's where we get cups and saucers.
Having Having planted a tea plant, you're looking at a number of years, perhaps three, before the bush is strong enough to yield a reasonable amount of what we call tea leaves.
Mmm! Can hardly wait.
-Hugh? -Yes? Would you be a love and fetch my secateurs? -Secateurs, right.
Where are they? -At my uncle's house in Carlisle.
-Okay.
-Thank you.
So, luckily, three years ago, Hugh mentioned they might be featuring the tea plant.
So I went ahead and planted one, and here it is.
-So I think it would -Carlisle? Yeah.
But that's miles away.
No, no, no, no.
Intercity, no time.
Right.
So if I tear off a couple of these leaves, they give off, -mmm, a fabulous aroma.
-You were absolutely right, no time at all.
Oh, well done.
Well done, well done.
Very good, actually.
They're very good, these.
-So was there a buffet car? -Yes, there was, actually.
Yes.
And how was their tea? Not bad at all.
It was instant, but you know -It's not the same, really, is it? -As what? Same as this good old-fashioned, proper, British, good-hot, fresh, hot-fresh, good-fresh-good, warming-but-not-hotting, good-fresh, fresh-good tea.
British.
(SIGHING) -Right.
So, Snutty -Yeah.
-you've planted your tea plant, all right.
-Mmm-hmm.
You've waited for three years, and you've warmed the pot already Yes, now you can see why you warm the pot first, can't you? To save time, of course.
So what's the next stage? Well, now we go to a restaurant or cafe where they have a reputation for serving an excellent cup of tea.
Let's do that now.
You know, we're not really very interested in politics, not very adventurous, you know Missionary position's always been all right for us.
So why change? People always mock things that they can't understand.
That's why they mock John Major being Prime Minister.
Nobody can understand how it happened.
Went to the theatre the other night, the National Our National Theatre Our Royal National Theatre.
Saw a play.
Yes, all right, it was only a play.
Oh, brilliant! So now I'm to be judged and mocked and whipped and scorned because it was only a play, am I? It's all right! It was only a sod-buggering play! No, Eric Cantona wasn't in it.
Nor was Linford Christie or Stephen Hendry or any of the big stars.
Jesus Christ! What do you want from me, huh? Hmm? Hmm? I mean, Christ, at least I bother to get off my fat, wobbling, festering, lardy carpet and actually go to the theatre! Suddenly, I'm Adolf Eichmann! Well, I mean you just don't Oh, why won't this frigging tomato behave? God! I mean, what is the earthly point of trying, just for once in your life, just trying to make an honest, decent salad for no other motive other than love, and a decent desire, without the crudging, arsing thing coming apart in your hand? Anyway, I saw a play there by Shakespeare, as it happens.
And so I started thinking.
Thinking about Oh, damn and blast! This cocking cucumber! Why does it have to be like this? I watched television last night.
It was like It was like staring into a sewer.
I counted 2 3 tits, 1 4 arses, and a thigh.
Hmm? (STAMMERING) Well, I mean, why can't they show something on television that shows you don't have to be dirty? Hmm? You don't have to be dirty.
(GAME SHOW MUSIC) (IN HEAVY NORTHERN ACCENT) Hello, and welcome to Don't Be Dirty.
The show that shows you don't have to be dirty.
With us is Tony, three-times semi-finalist, and John, keen to be clean, who came through unexpectedly when last week's finalist, Mr Nottingham, died in a canoe.
Tony, I'd like you to start first.
Would you describe for us, Tony, please, the act of fellatio, that's the act, Tony, of fellatio, without, Tony, and I'm sure you must know the rules by now, without being dirty.
And your time starts five seconds ago.
Uh (CLEARS THROAT) This is an act that takes place between two people, uh, possibly of opposite sexes, but possibly not Careful, Tony.
whereby, one of the participants takes a part of the other participant's person into the place where they might more commonly keep bubblegum, say, and proceeds to masticate Oh, Tony, I thought you were a goner there.
You're playing with fire, mind.
until the other participant arrives at a state of pleasurable relaxation.
The second participant then gives the first participant ten quid and goes home.
(GONG SOUNDS) Oh, unbelievable! Can no one beat this big man from Hunstanton? Well, John, it's up to you.
Now Your topic is the preservation of hardwoods.
Your time startsthen! Well, this is a very necessary business operation (BUZZER) -Tony's challenged.
-He said ''business.
'' You did say ''business,'' John, you did.
Little bit dirty there.
Minute away but plenty of time to go.
Operation that has to be carried out if developers are not to rase our hardwood forests (BUZZER) Another challenge from our reigning champion.
-The nature of your challenge, Tony, please.
-He said He said ''rase.
'' -He did say ''rase,'' Tony.
-''Rase'' is an anagram of ''arse.
'' Rase is an anagram of arse, John, it is, it is, it is.
So sorry.
I'm afraid we have to lose you.
You were keen to be clean but you came up against a man very much at the top of his form.
-So sorry to say goodbye.
-Oh, piss! Tony, you've been in this position before.
You keep the £800 anyway.
They're yours to keep, as of right.
No one can take them away from you, but I'm offering you now another £600, plus an opportunity to go into our Don't Be Dirty daily double with a chance to win £1 0.
-I'll go for the daily double.
-I knew you'd say that, Tony.
You're a sport, quite a sport.
But do remember that the prizes that you've won are yours to keep.
-They're yours, yours alone.
You're clear on that? -I am clear on that, Bradley, yes.
All right.
So long as you're clear on that.
They're yours, no one else's, just yours.
All right.
Can we have the Don't Be Dirty daily double categories on the board, please? Your categories are: rimming, genital torture, and David Vine.
Now remember, this is a daily double, so two subjects, Tony.
I have to hurry you as you take your time.
Just take your time, very quickly.
Uh, genital torture and David Vine, please, Bradley.
Tony (DRUM ROLL) You have 30 earth seconds in which to talk about genital torture and David Vine.
And those 30 seconds, Tony, start Oh, damn, just missed that one.
Coming up.
Now! Uh, nipple clamps and scrotal compressors are frequently deployed, as well as a variety of serrated needles which are inserted into parts of the body normally kept inside pants and vests.
Presenting various sporting events, most notably the World Snooker finals from the Crucible Theatre, Sheffield, David Vine combines an easy, relaxed presentational style, with a clear expertise on the game.
He (ALARM SOUNDING) Oh, Tony, Tony! You said ''on the game''! Oh, you're dirty, Tony, and that's a pity.
I was.
I was dirty.
Shite, arse, damn.
Only four seconds to go, and you were dirty.
Tony, I'm so sorry.
It means you lose all the prizes you won last week and the prizes you won tonight.
They're gone.
They're not yours, they're lost.
As of right, they're not yours any more.
I'm afraid you have to repay to us your travel expenses and you leave us empty-handed.
-But, Tony, you knew the risks.
-I did, Bradley, yes, I knew the risks, yes.
But tell me this thing, Tony.
Have you had a good time on Don't Be Dirty? Have you enjoyed yourself? Has it been a pleasure? It's been a big one, Bradley.
It's been a really, really big one.
I've pleasured myself hugely.
Oh, well, that's good to hear.
Until next time, ladies and gentlemen, we say goodbye.
But do remember this.
-Don't be dirty.
-Don't be dirty.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) (LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING) Well, that bitch, whore, strumpet time has dealt us another deadly dog turd, I'm afraid.
And I look up at the space on the wall that's covered by the Fry and Laurie clock and I see that in one-and-a-half minutes' time, I will no longer be able to say, ''Ladies and gentlemen, you are watching A Bit of Fry and Laurie.
'' I can say it now, however.
Ladies and gentlemen, you are watching A Bit of Fry and Laurie.
But not for long.
-Hugh.
-What? I'd be interested to see the memo from the Director General that gives you permission to butt in like that.
I'm so very sorry.
I can certainly show you the memo that tells you to butt out.
He's quite right.
Well, now it comes to that time where I ask our guests to tell me the kind, sort, or kind of cocktail that they would like served to them this evening.
Lady guest and gentle guest, faites vos choix, s'il vous plaît.
Well, I want one of each.
No, no, no.
No, I think we'll plump for the South Seas Vulvic Wart.
Mmm! The South Seas Vulvic Wart.
Well, for this you will need two scooped-out melons, plenty of ice, some dry London gin, check, that should be wet London gin.
You will need the opening paragraph of George Eliot's Silas Marner.
You will need a wedge of toast for decoration, a lump of Cinzano Bianco, of course, some Cointreau, and some photographs of Lech Walesa attached to cocktail sticks.
And as I prepare a South Seas Genital Wart, I say, as I like to on these occasions, those six refreshing words that unlock the door to sophisticated evening happiness.
I say, please, Mr Music, will you play? (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) (IMITATING TRUMPET PLAYING) ALL: Soupy twist.
I'm a great dunker.
Anything.
I just dunk anything.
My husband says I'd dunk my own name if it wasn't stitched on.
-You know, in tea, or in coffee, or in -(MUTTERING) -Hmm? -(STAMMERING) You're doing one of those repeats, I suppose, are you? Filming more of those repeats.
You know I suppose this is what I pay my licence fee for, is it? To keep you lot in jeans and heroin.
LAURIE: Hmm.
-And then I -It's rather irritating, you know.
I'm trying to get through here, and you're There's no room.
No, there's no room.
I want to walk through here I might Look, you see? Oh, but that doesn't matter, does it? No, because you're all You're all right, aren't you? In your jeans and your leather jackets, and youropinions.
When I said I like to dunk a lot of things, just dunk, anything, really.
And, um Oh.
I'm going to write a very stiff letter.
A very stiff letter on cardboard.
-I expect you get a lot of this, do you? -And I shall post it, too.
(SINGING) FRY: (WHISPERING) Between desire and reality.
LAURIE: A bit.
FRY: Between fact and breakfast, madness lies, lies, lies LAURIE: A bit.
FRY: I hate you, I hate you and yet I hate you (FRY SOBBING) As love, rage and aches of the ear.
Pretension by Fry and Laurie.
FRY: Ladies and Ladies, uh Oh, yes.
Ladies and gentleman, welcome to A Bit of Fry and Laurie.
Mesdames et messieurs, bienvenue â Un Morceau de Fry et Laurie.
Stoat messy bim, goat yenda fent stootka Fry stink Laurie.
Lars pebble finger hat, ply bo hen Fry shat Laurie.
Thar mattadatta, polipwippip nipsip, Fry hidden Laurie.
-That's a lovely accent.
-Thank you.
Thank you.
Is that from a tape or No, no, I used to live there in the '70s.
-I thought so, I thought so.
-Mmm, mmm.
Well, anyway, that's enough verbal frotting for the time being.
It's easy to say, you know, that the next half hour will soon be filled with the sound of good fellowship, the laughter of friends, and the sobbing of children.
That's right.
But what is hard, however what is painfully, grindingly, thigh-suckingly hard is to find the words that can adequately describe our first guest this evening.
Well, the easiest bit first.
She's a man.
A man of real distinction, born within moaning distance of Sevenoaks in Kent, our first guest has variously been described as the finest classical murderer of his generation, and also as the Jilly Cooper of anal love.
He's the captain of his soul and the chief petty officer of his destiny, and he brings to A Bit of Fry and Laurie a much-needed injection of heroin.
-He is, of course, Clive Mantle.
-Oh, excellent, I had no idea.
(CROWD CHEERING) Hello, Clive.
Now, Clive, this is very exciting for me.
In fact, this is something of a realisation of a lifelong ambition, as far as I'm concerned.
My colleague wasn't all that keen on having you on, but I insisted.
Really? (UNCOMFORTABLE LAUGHTER) My colleague will have his little joke.
No, sincerely, a great pleasure, Clive.
-Thank you.
-Now, Clive, tell us what you've been up to.
You had a bit of a hard night last night, I understand.
-Not really.
No.
-No? Well, there was something about you and, you know -What? -You and a certain actor from EastEnders.
-Oh, that, well -(LAUGHING LOUDLY) Yeah? A certain amount of hell was raised, I understand? Uh, you know what the press are like, they'd like to blow everything out of all proportion.
I think in your case, nature's already done that, Clive.
But, Clive, tell me.
Um, I've met a number of reformed hell-raisers, but I think I'm right in saying you're the first hell-raiser proper I've ever actually met.
Tell us about this business of hell-raising, what's it all about? Well, I think it's specifically a reference to drinking.
Oh, I see.
So, when they say hell-raiser, they really mean ''drunk.
'' -Correct? -No, I think there's a bit more to it than that.
-Such as? -Well, being rude to waiters, you know, upsetting the odd table, that sort of thing.
(LAUGHING IN AMAZEMENT) Well, something learnt there already, so when they say hell-raiser, they mean, ''Old drunk who is rude to waiters and upsets tables.
'' -I think the idea is that it's quite stylish -Stylish! Well, you know, amusing.
Really? Amusing, really? Well, Stephen, your witness.
No further questions.
Relax, Clive, the rapier is back in its scabbard.
Well, from sad old drunks who are rude to waiters and upset tables -Stylishly.
-Always stylishly.
We move on to our second studio visitor.
You know, ladies and gentleman, when Shakespeare wrote the words, ''Time cannot wither her, nor custom stale her infinite variety,'' it's possible he was thinking of Cleopatra.
But it's also just possible too that he was thinking of our next studio guest.
She's been described as the doyenne of -It's very unlikely.
-Highly unlikely.
-Why? -Well, she was born centuries after Shakespeare.
He couldn't possibly be talking about her, they never met, he'd never heard of her Yeah, all right, all right, all right.
Ladies and gentleman, when Jeffrey Archer wrote the words, ''The expanding bullet mushroomed inside Ullman's thigh, ''splintering bone and tissue, as if it had been cheap crockery,'' it's just possible he was thinking of our next guest.
-Better.
Much better.
-Much better.
Her friends call her Snutty, but to millions of fans of the Littlewoods Catalogue, she is adoringly and affectionately known as the Cardigan Lady.
Ladies and gentleman, please welcome, please ingest, please assimilate gently, the manifold delights of Imelda Staunton.
(CROWD APPLAUDING) Imelda, Imelda, Imelda, Imelda, Imelda, Imelda, Imelda, Imelda, Imelda, Imelda, Imelda.
Imelda, Snutty, Snutty.
-Um, tell us all about your week.
-Oh, well, it's been frantic, Stephen.
-Mmm.
Supermarket openings? -How did you guess? -I didn't.
-Well, you're wrong anyway.
'Cause I've never opened a supermarket in my life.
Fascinating.
Really? -You never opened a supermarket? -No.
I never knew that.
But you do make a number of personal appearances during the course -of your weekly week, don't you? -Yes, yes, that's right.
I did make a personal appearance yesterday, at the hairdresser's, to get my hair, um, you know -Dressed? -Dressed, yeah.
And I also made an appearance at the bus stop to catch a bus.
(EXCLAIMING) They must take an enormous amount out of you, these personal appearances.
Well, yeah.
I've just gotta grin and bear it, though, you know Yes, well, I'd rather you didn't.
My colleague, would you care to cross-examine? -Well, now, Imelda -Oh, oh, oh -Snutty, please.
-Snutty, I'm so sorry.
Snutty, um, when you agreed to come on the show, you said that you'd be prepared to undergo a bit of a challenge.
-No, no, don't say that, now.
-Oh, no You can't back out of it now, because if you do, we'll hit you.
What we want you to do, is to look at this photograph and provide an amusing caption.
Photograph is right over there.
So look at it now.
Look at it.
Look at it! -Ooh, uh -LAURIE: I'll have to hurry you? So it's ''Ooh, uh.
'' Clive, can you do any better than ''Ooh, uh,'' do you think? Uh, well FRY: Hmm.
So, we've got to choose between ''Ooh, uh'' and ''Well.
'' -Tricky.
-Very tricky, indeed.
What do you think, my colleague? -I think we'll have to call it a draw.
-I think you're right.
Imelda, could you accept this old-fashioned English-assortment cigar tin from us as our As your prize? And, Clive.
Please accept this small kiss on the brow from my colleague.
Good night.
Strange man.
And talking of strange men Oh, well, what I always say is, if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, shoot it.
I was christened Gay, you see.
Um, it was a perfectly common name in the 1 950s, but today, well, it has connotations, doesn't it? You know, if you go around saying, ''Hello, I'm Gay.
'' So I went to the Deed Poll place and I changed it to ''Rampantly Homosexual.
'' -Another one please, barman.
-You sure? -What? -No offence, but this will be your seventh.
-You just keep 'em coming.
-Righto.
Your funeral.
-Bitch.
-Come again? -My wife.
-Oh, right, right.
She doesn't understand me.
She's never understood me.
What, Polish or something, is she? You ever been You ever been trapped in a loveless marriage with a woman you despise? Not since I was nine.
Do you like it straight up? -What? -Or with ice? -Ice.
-Righto.
-Cocktail onion? -No, thanks.
She takes no interest in my friends, you know.
She laughs at my -Peanuts? -hobbies.
-She doesn't even value my -Crinkle-cut cheesy Wotsits? career.
You know, it's just so depressing.
-All right, so other men have got larger -Plums? salaries, and better prospects, -and other men can boast a healthier-looking -Stool? lifestyle.
All right, you know, so I haven't got loads of cash hanging around.
You know, but why complain? Other people are worse off.
I've got a job.
-I've got two sweet, rosy -Nibbles? children.
And she's always going on and on and on about my appearance.
I mean, it's not as if she's an oil painting.
-You know, I mean frankly she's -Plain and prawn-flavoured.
She's not as young as she used to be herself.
I don't know why I bother with women.
I'd be better off being a -Fruit? -Well Monk or a hermit or something.
-At least if I was a -Fag? At least if I was a monk, you know, I wouldn't have to put up with women, you know Women going on and on, who can talk the hind leg off a -Camel? -donkey, you know.
The trouble is, I couldn't live without women.
You know, in a monastery the best you can hope for is a bit of Chocolate Hobnob? peace and spirituality.
I mean, let's face it, we haven't slept together for years.
-You know, the best I can hope for is a bit of -Savoury finger? a bit of a Bit of a cuddle at Christmas.
And, naturally, she won't let me give her so much as a Good juicy tongue in the back passage.
as a peck on the cheek.
I tell you I tell you, the trouble with that woman, is that she's just a Rather disgusting-looking tart that should have been disposed of ages ago? She I tell you what it is, she's a complainer.
That's what she is, a complainer.
-Well, one more for the road I think, barman.
-Certainly.
Anything to go with it? Bag of oral sex, if you've got one.
and pants first.
Always pants first.
Then socks.
Then shoes, trousers, shirt, tie, possibly a hat, but only if I'm really hungry.
It's funny, we had this thrush outside our bedroom window, and it kept us awake for weeks.
So, in the end, I got up and poured natural yoghurt all over it.
-Hello, Julie.
-Oh, hello, Frank.
Kettle's on.
Uh, no, ta.
Um, Julie, there's something I wanted to tell you.
Oh, well, can't it wait? Only, I've got to pick Rebecca up at 4:00.
-Oh, not really, no.
-Oh, well, make it quick then.
-Yeah, well, I'm trying.
-Only, I've got to pick Rebecca up at 4:00.
Yeah, but it's not easy.
Oh, blimey.
Look, it's nearly 4:00 now.
I've got to pick Rebecca up in a minute.
No, look, hold on, love.
This is important.
-Important? -Yeah.
-You see, the thing is this.
I've -Bill! -Sorry, am I -No, no, it's all right.
No, Frank was going to tell me something important but I've got to pick Rebecca up at 4:00.
So Well, I'll pick Rebecca up if you like.
-You sure? -Yeah.
-Yeah, no problem.
What time? -Uh, 4:00.
-Oh, blimey, it's nearly 4:00 now.
-I know.
-Well, I'll go and pick her up, then.
-Well, kettle's on.
No thanks, treacle.
Look, I better get a move on so I'll make it by 4:00.
Oh, thanks.
-All right, see you, sis.
-See ya.
-Now then, what's so important? -Well -Kettle's on, by the way.
-No, thanks, no.
-You sure? Won't take a minute.
-No, no, you see, the thing is this, Julie -Sorry, am I? -What's wrong? What's wrong? Rebecca all right? -Oh, fine -No, tell me, what's happened? Nothing's happened.
-It's just -What? Well, where am I going to pick her up from? -Oh, Rebecca? -Yeah.
-Tony's.
-Oh, Tony's.
Great, yeah.
-What time? -I said 4:00.
Oh, blimey.
I'd better make a move or I might not make it by 4:00.
Now then -Let's have that tea.
-Uh, no, not for me.
-You sure? Kettle's on.
-No, really -Two seconds.
Warm the pot -No -couple of tea bags -Julie.
What? -Yeah, ta.
I'd love a cup of tea.
-Ooh.
Now, this big important thing that can't wait Well, it's not very easy, love, 'cause the thing is -Sugar? -Uh, yeah, two.
Thanks.
Look, we've known each other for some time, haven't we? Yeah.
I suppose what I'm trying to say is this, I've been Either of you two seen Bill? -Bill? -Yeah, he's supposed to be giving me a lift.
No, he's gone to fetch Rebecca.
-What time? -9:00.
-9:00? -Oh, no, wait a minute, 4:00.
-4:00? -4:00.
-Sure? -Sure.
He'll be back in a minute.
Oh, I'll hang on then.
Kettle on, is it? (VAUDEVILLE-STYLE MUSIC PLAYING) # Oh, little girl # Would you like a sweetie? Would you put your hand in mine? # I promise not to hurt you Or impinge upon your virtue # All I want is half a second of your time # Oh, little girl # Won't you smile into the camera? # This time I know we'll get the perfect shot # Now do you think that it would hurt If you just undid your shirt # And showed the readers everything you've got? # Little girl # You really mustn't worry No one will respect you any less # When all is said and done You know, it's just a bit of fun # Now be a sport, take off that pretty dress # Little girl # Can't you see now you are famous? # Your name is on the nation's lips # Over breakfast they'll admire you In their lunch hour they'll desire you # And by tea time you'll be wrapping up their chips # Little girl # Congratulations on your record # They played it on the wireless just today # It was fast and rather naughty Went straight in at number 40 # Though the DJ said that's where it ought to stay # Little girl # So you got married to a pop star # I can hardly work my camera for the tears # But as you said your fond goodbyes I got a great one of your thighs # What a shame you were divorced within a year # Little girl # You're not a girl and you're not little # But there's still one thing I'd love it if you'd do # Although she's slightly shorter # I would love to meet your daughter # Do you think that she would like to follow you? # Do you think that she would like to follow you? # (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Conservative.
Sorry.
There it is.
Yes? Ah, well, now I'm I'm a lifelong, dyed-in-the-wool don't-know, really.
(STAMMERING) Well, yeah, you see I got this system.
I mean, I know people say there's no such thing as a perfect system, but, yeah, mine's pretty good.
What happens is, I vote Conservative in elections, and if there isn't an election, I vote Labour.
And that seems to work.
I'm one of those, um One of those ones that Oh, what are they called? The people who change their minds all the time.
An archetypal Oh, what's the phrase? Someone who votes first this way and then that way ''Something'' voter.
That's what I am.
You know, with the pace of modern life being what it is, it's sometimes hard, isn't it, to make time for the simple things, like masturbation, and brewing a really good pot of tea, because we're besieged on all sides, aren't we, by the ''instant'' merchants: instant coffee, instant traffic, instant hair, instant devolution of power to local government through the channels of tariff reform and the implementation of local weighting measures.
Well, to help you slow down and make time, I'm going to get Snutty here to take us through the traditional way to make a pot of hot-strong, hot-strong-good-strong, hot-warming, but not hotting, good-fresh, fresh-good tea.
Good.
Snuts.
Well, the first step is to warm the pot.
Well, priceless piece of advice right there, ladies and gentleman.
Next, find yourself an area of soil, not less than two metres square, preferably south-facing, where you can plant a tea plant.
And that's where we get tea from, is it? Sorry? From the tea plant, that's where we get tea from, is it? No, that's where we get cups and saucers.
Having Having planted a tea plant, you're looking at a number of years, perhaps three, before the bush is strong enough to yield a reasonable amount of what we call tea leaves.
Mmm! Can hardly wait.
-Hugh? -Yes? Would you be a love and fetch my secateurs? -Secateurs, right.
Where are they? -At my uncle's house in Carlisle.
-Okay.
-Thank you.
So, luckily, three years ago, Hugh mentioned they might be featuring the tea plant.
So I went ahead and planted one, and here it is.
-So I think it would -Carlisle? Yeah.
But that's miles away.
No, no, no, no.
Intercity, no time.
Right.
So if I tear off a couple of these leaves, they give off, -mmm, a fabulous aroma.
-You were absolutely right, no time at all.
Oh, well done.
Well done, well done.
Very good, actually.
They're very good, these.
-So was there a buffet car? -Yes, there was, actually.
Yes.
And how was their tea? Not bad at all.
It was instant, but you know -It's not the same, really, is it? -As what? Same as this good old-fashioned, proper, British, good-hot, fresh, hot-fresh, good-fresh-good, warming-but-not-hotting, good-fresh, fresh-good tea.
British.
(SIGHING) -Right.
So, Snutty -Yeah.
-you've planted your tea plant, all right.
-Mmm-hmm.
You've waited for three years, and you've warmed the pot already Yes, now you can see why you warm the pot first, can't you? To save time, of course.
So what's the next stage? Well, now we go to a restaurant or cafe where they have a reputation for serving an excellent cup of tea.
Let's do that now.
You know, we're not really very interested in politics, not very adventurous, you know Missionary position's always been all right for us.
So why change? People always mock things that they can't understand.
That's why they mock John Major being Prime Minister.
Nobody can understand how it happened.
Went to the theatre the other night, the National Our National Theatre Our Royal National Theatre.
Saw a play.
Yes, all right, it was only a play.
Oh, brilliant! So now I'm to be judged and mocked and whipped and scorned because it was only a play, am I? It's all right! It was only a sod-buggering play! No, Eric Cantona wasn't in it.
Nor was Linford Christie or Stephen Hendry or any of the big stars.
Jesus Christ! What do you want from me, huh? Hmm? Hmm? I mean, Christ, at least I bother to get off my fat, wobbling, festering, lardy carpet and actually go to the theatre! Suddenly, I'm Adolf Eichmann! Well, I mean you just don't Oh, why won't this frigging tomato behave? God! I mean, what is the earthly point of trying, just for once in your life, just trying to make an honest, decent salad for no other motive other than love, and a decent desire, without the crudging, arsing thing coming apart in your hand? Anyway, I saw a play there by Shakespeare, as it happens.
And so I started thinking.
Thinking about Oh, damn and blast! This cocking cucumber! Why does it have to be like this? I watched television last night.
It was like It was like staring into a sewer.
I counted 2 3 tits, 1 4 arses, and a thigh.
Hmm? (STAMMERING) Well, I mean, why can't they show something on television that shows you don't have to be dirty? Hmm? You don't have to be dirty.
(GAME SHOW MUSIC) (IN HEAVY NORTHERN ACCENT) Hello, and welcome to Don't Be Dirty.
The show that shows you don't have to be dirty.
With us is Tony, three-times semi-finalist, and John, keen to be clean, who came through unexpectedly when last week's finalist, Mr Nottingham, died in a canoe.
Tony, I'd like you to start first.
Would you describe for us, Tony, please, the act of fellatio, that's the act, Tony, of fellatio, without, Tony, and I'm sure you must know the rules by now, without being dirty.
And your time starts five seconds ago.
Uh (CLEARS THROAT) This is an act that takes place between two people, uh, possibly of opposite sexes, but possibly not Careful, Tony.
whereby, one of the participants takes a part of the other participant's person into the place where they might more commonly keep bubblegum, say, and proceeds to masticate Oh, Tony, I thought you were a goner there.
You're playing with fire, mind.
until the other participant arrives at a state of pleasurable relaxation.
The second participant then gives the first participant ten quid and goes home.
(GONG SOUNDS) Oh, unbelievable! Can no one beat this big man from Hunstanton? Well, John, it's up to you.
Now Your topic is the preservation of hardwoods.
Your time startsthen! Well, this is a very necessary business operation (BUZZER) -Tony's challenged.
-He said ''business.
'' You did say ''business,'' John, you did.
Little bit dirty there.
Minute away but plenty of time to go.
Operation that has to be carried out if developers are not to rase our hardwood forests (BUZZER) Another challenge from our reigning champion.
-The nature of your challenge, Tony, please.
-He said He said ''rase.
'' -He did say ''rase,'' Tony.
-''Rase'' is an anagram of ''arse.
'' Rase is an anagram of arse, John, it is, it is, it is.
So sorry.
I'm afraid we have to lose you.
You were keen to be clean but you came up against a man very much at the top of his form.
-So sorry to say goodbye.
-Oh, piss! Tony, you've been in this position before.
You keep the £800 anyway.
They're yours to keep, as of right.
No one can take them away from you, but I'm offering you now another £600, plus an opportunity to go into our Don't Be Dirty daily double with a chance to win £1 0.
-I'll go for the daily double.
-I knew you'd say that, Tony.
You're a sport, quite a sport.
But do remember that the prizes that you've won are yours to keep.
-They're yours, yours alone.
You're clear on that? -I am clear on that, Bradley, yes.
All right.
So long as you're clear on that.
They're yours, no one else's, just yours.
All right.
Can we have the Don't Be Dirty daily double categories on the board, please? Your categories are: rimming, genital torture, and David Vine.
Now remember, this is a daily double, so two subjects, Tony.
I have to hurry you as you take your time.
Just take your time, very quickly.
Uh, genital torture and David Vine, please, Bradley.
Tony (DRUM ROLL) You have 30 earth seconds in which to talk about genital torture and David Vine.
And those 30 seconds, Tony, start Oh, damn, just missed that one.
Coming up.
Now! Uh, nipple clamps and scrotal compressors are frequently deployed, as well as a variety of serrated needles which are inserted into parts of the body normally kept inside pants and vests.
Presenting various sporting events, most notably the World Snooker finals from the Crucible Theatre, Sheffield, David Vine combines an easy, relaxed presentational style, with a clear expertise on the game.
He (ALARM SOUNDING) Oh, Tony, Tony! You said ''on the game''! Oh, you're dirty, Tony, and that's a pity.
I was.
I was dirty.
Shite, arse, damn.
Only four seconds to go, and you were dirty.
Tony, I'm so sorry.
It means you lose all the prizes you won last week and the prizes you won tonight.
They're gone.
They're not yours, they're lost.
As of right, they're not yours any more.
I'm afraid you have to repay to us your travel expenses and you leave us empty-handed.
-But, Tony, you knew the risks.
-I did, Bradley, yes, I knew the risks, yes.
But tell me this thing, Tony.
Have you had a good time on Don't Be Dirty? Have you enjoyed yourself? Has it been a pleasure? It's been a big one, Bradley.
It's been a really, really big one.
I've pleasured myself hugely.
Oh, well, that's good to hear.
Until next time, ladies and gentlemen, we say goodbye.
But do remember this.
-Don't be dirty.
-Don't be dirty.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) (LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING) Well, that bitch, whore, strumpet time has dealt us another deadly dog turd, I'm afraid.
And I look up at the space on the wall that's covered by the Fry and Laurie clock and I see that in one-and-a-half minutes' time, I will no longer be able to say, ''Ladies and gentlemen, you are watching A Bit of Fry and Laurie.
'' I can say it now, however.
Ladies and gentlemen, you are watching A Bit of Fry and Laurie.
But not for long.
-Hugh.
-What? I'd be interested to see the memo from the Director General that gives you permission to butt in like that.
I'm so very sorry.
I can certainly show you the memo that tells you to butt out.
He's quite right.
Well, now it comes to that time where I ask our guests to tell me the kind, sort, or kind of cocktail that they would like served to them this evening.
Lady guest and gentle guest, faites vos choix, s'il vous plaît.
Well, I want one of each.
No, no, no.
No, I think we'll plump for the South Seas Vulvic Wart.
Mmm! The South Seas Vulvic Wart.
Well, for this you will need two scooped-out melons, plenty of ice, some dry London gin, check, that should be wet London gin.
You will need the opening paragraph of George Eliot's Silas Marner.
You will need a wedge of toast for decoration, a lump of Cinzano Bianco, of course, some Cointreau, and some photographs of Lech Walesa attached to cocktail sticks.
And as I prepare a South Seas Genital Wart, I say, as I like to on these occasions, those six refreshing words that unlock the door to sophisticated evening happiness.
I say, please, Mr Music, will you play? (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) (IMITATING TRUMPET PLAYING) ALL: Soupy twist.