Abbott Elementary (2021) s04e03 Episode Script

1
- Delivery.
- Oh, it's the computers the golf course
- [ENGINE STARTS]
- bribed us with. Finally.
You're not gonna bring 'em inside?
Zero stars.
Did he just leave everything
on the sidewalk like this?
Okay, good. You guys are here.
We don't have insurance,
so lift with your legs,
- brace your back.
- Ava, my back does not brace.
Call that young man back.
You got his phone number, Barb?
I will dial 411 before I pick up
Jesus would help.
Jesus was lean, 33, with muscles.
Mmm. Hot. [DOOR OPENS]
Weren't there, like, four more of these?
Ah! We were robbed.
Well, at least this time,
I wasn't slapped.
Probably already selling 'em
on Broad Street by now.
You know what, maybe they needed 'em.
Hey. I got computers for the low-low.
Buy three, get one free.
Talk money to me.
- How much, brother?
- No. No.
Jaquon! I will call your mother.
Put those things back!
Don't Don't do that.
Mm-hmm.
[MAKER'S "HOLD'EM" PLAYING]
And that turtle is for you.
Enjoy your new friend.
- Uh, uh, Janine?
- Yeah.
Why are there
loose animals in the library?
They're gonna put the funk
in Funk & Wagnalls.
Yeah, no, I know, but they're caged,
and I will clean up. I promise.
[GUINEA PIG SQUEAKS]
Uh, Ms. Washington, a goldfish for you.
JANINE: I have a really big win
to share.
We asked the district for funding
for more afterschool programs,
so they gave us $50
for class pets instead.
Sometimes you gotta shoot for the moon,
and if you miss, you land on
a star fish. Starfish.
And, Mrs. Howard, I got you
the fish you asked for.
Ohh!
I have a flowy gown
in this very shade of magenta.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
And, Gregory, your pet rock.
Thank you so much
for being budget conscious.
Oh, it wasn't because of that.
I had one of these growing up.
Alrighty.
Okay, guinea pig for me
and a guinea pig for
Melissa!
- Guinea pig.
- What?
You forgot to fill out the form,
and the pet store
was having a BOGO sale, so
Yeah, I didn't forget to fill it out.
I didn't want one. I don't like pets.
Melissa.
Hey, what do you mean,
you don't like pets?
I don't like 'em.
I never had 'em growing up
'cause they're just too much work.
They smell, then they die,
and you gotta explain that to the kids.
It's too much. I don't want it.
Well, look, look,
what if I-I help you out?
You know, I will clean its cage,
I'll feed it.
You won't have to lift a finger.
Come on, Mellie Mel,
your kids will love it.
Besides, the kids are
gonna be really upset
if they're the only ones
without a class pet.
Don't want that, now, do ya?
[GUINEA PIG SQUEAKING]
You're right in a way
that really pisses me off, kid.
Aww, thank you.
Okay.
And, Mr. Johnson, you requested a bear.
- I sure did.
- Okay.
Would you settle for a bear hug?
- [LAUGHING] D'aww.
- [LAUGHING] Okay.
Aww. It smells like ass in here.
Yeah, it really does. I'm so sorry.
[FOOTSTEPS CLICKING]
Hey, Ava.
I've set up my computer,
but I don't have
any of the district software,
so I'm putting in a ticket
at the old district.
No, you are not. They don't even
know we took these computers as bribes.
We're not even allowed
to accept donated computers.
I got a plan.
AVA: The district won't
service any computers
that don't belong to them, but
they drop the ball all the time,
so I'll just tell them
that I submitted a ticket
a long time ago for these
computers that they gave us,
that they didn't keep track of.
I like to cause doubt and confusion
by creating a memory that doesn't exist.
Some call it gaslighting.
I call it kids have computers
in their classrooms.
JANINE: Okay. [GUINEA PIG SQUEAKING]
[GASPS]
You just gotta watch out for
this one 'cause he's a biter.
- [CHUCKLES] So
- Yeah, I'll tell you what.
If that thing bites me,
I'm fastballing it into the wall.
Okay, but biting is a sign of
[CAGE CLANGS] affection.
I I
Watch out.
He didn't bite me.
He's warming up God!
[GUINEA PIG CHIRPS]
[CLICKS TONGUE] Ooh!
Bared his teeth at me. What a smile.
- He likes your sweater.
- Oh? [CHUCKLES]
[WINCES] Odd way of showing it.
- The real question is
- Mm-hmm.
We just hanging out?
Look, some IT wonk is coming by today
to get the computers 'putin.
He cannot know they're donated,
so if you love new computers,
lie like an old carpet.
I cannot, I do not, I will not lie.
I heard you tell Janine she
looked cool in that goofy sweater.
- Okay, you caught me.
- All you have to do is play dumb.
Jacob, that face you're making
right now is perfect.
- Dumb as hell.
- What? This is my normal face.
Besides, I-I can't play dumb.
Hi, I'm O'Shon.
Oh. [IRISH ACCENT] Top o'
the morning to you, O'Shon.
[NORMAL VOICE] I'm O'Jacob.
No, I'm just joking.
It's just Jacob. [CHUCKLES] Just
Just a little Irish humor
for you, bloke.
Sorry, I'm dumb. Wow. I can do it.
O'SHON: I guess, uh, we lost
the ticket to provide tech support.
Uh, we get backlogged
sometimes, but no excuses.
I'm here now.
Yeah, you really screwed
the pooch on that one,
so if you could just install
the software and be on your way.
It'll take a few days
to get everything set up,
but I'll get on it now.
[GASPS] O'Shon? Crikey.
BARBARA: That man is handsome.
First of all, he wears glasses.
Second of all, you two need a pair
if you think he's attractive.
Please.
I'm just saying,
of the three rock types,
I think it's really cool that my
kids got a metamorphic rock.
Imagine me stuck with some
kind of sorry sedimentary rock.
Totally. No. So very,
very cool. [CHUCKLES]
- Alright. Well, you know who doesn't bite?
- Who?
Dwayne "The Pet" Rockson.
Okay. Gregory, it is
their love language.
Guinea pigs cannot lick
like cats and dogs can, so
Don't let that guinea pig loose
in your classroom.
You know they grow to the size
of their environment, right?
- I think you're thinking of goldfish.
- Yeah.
Explain grizzlies, then, dumbass.
[TRASH CAN THUMPS]
- What do you got there?
- Oh, I'll tell you what I got here.
Why even ask?
My entire afternoon
is what I've got here.
First, the kids said
the guinea pig was bored,
so I had to get him this little
straw mat for it to gnaw on.
Then, Sweet Cheeks
didn't like that cheap feed,
so I gotta meal prep this hay.
Then, that stupid straw mattress
wasn't comfy enough,
so I had to build
this tiny house stick by stick.
Thanks a lot, Teagues.
I knew it, this was
a bad idea from the jump.
This is exactly
why people shouldn't have pets.
I don't have time to do my job
and take care of some rat.
What do I look like, April O'Neil?
Guinea pig's not even that cute.
I hate that freaking guinea pig.
What?
Melissa, I'm sorry this guinea
pig is making your life harder.
Look, I'm gonna take it
back to the store.
Maybe we can use that $4.77
on something else.
No way. My kids would lose it.
Sweet Cheeks and I
are stuck with each other
'til one of us dies,
and it ain't gonna be me.
Alright, well, at least
you don't have to
worry about him over the weekend, so
What does that mean?
You know, the students, they take turns
hosting the pets over the weekends.
The kids get to learn responsibility,
and the guinea pigs
get to see what a big,
beautiful world it is out there.
- Yeah, yeah. Okay. Well, good.
- Yeah.
As long as it's out of my gorgeous
hair. [EXHALES SHARPLY]
These computers are pretty new
for a three-year-old ticket.
Oh, I wouldn't know. [CHUCKLES]
These contraptions all
seem the same to me.
[CHUCKLES] Okay.
It's just that, these computers,
they have features I usually only see
But, you know, how would one
turn on a machine such as this?
I know how to start these computers.
I just have to throw this
handsome young man off the scent
for the greater good.
Forgive me, Lord.
Ma'am, uh, please don't
take this the wrong way
But are you familiar with this thing?
Like updating it, opening your
browser, checking your e-mail?
- That's That's all good?
- Oh, I can check an e-mail. [CHUCKLES]
My real question is,
what is an e-mail?
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
This shouldn't take too long.
You've got everything pretty set up.
You just need
the permissions and licenses.
Yeah.
They call me Jacob Jobs
around these parts
'cause I'm always [TONGUE CLICKING]
click-clacking.
- Cool.
- O'Shon, is it?
What if you tell me everything
you know about computers?
Finally, rule number 11
Designated guinea pig food
and filtered water only.
Okay? Nothing else. You got it, guys?
That star next to the rule
means it's extra important.
They all have stars.
That's 'cause they're all important.
No, honey. Come on. No tapping.
It stresses Sweet Cheeks out.
Alright, let's see.
Who's going to take him first?
Aaron.
You gotta stop that, kid. Come on.
You could hurt yourself.
No, I can't. I don't feel pain.
Do guinea pigs?
[PENCIL TAPPING]
No more pencils for Aaron.
After this, I'll hit
the library, and then I'm done.
They're not the most tech savvy,
but you got a really nice staff.
Yeah, we're just one big family
here. [CHUCKLES]
Oh, you already got
a few programs on here.
Wow. This is some
extremely high-powered editing
and special effects software.
Are you making a big-budget
movie? [CHUCKLES]
Well, I'm not gonna let
a souped-up graphics card
and a 14th-generation processor
go to waste.
I'm editing a series
of deepfakes of Janine.
She has no idea what's coming. [LAUGHS]
Alright, I'm gonna grab a coffee.
Incognito Mode doesn't leave
a history, right?
Auf Wiedersehen.
The district doesn't have
a 14th generation of anything.
So, still going to
the batting cages this weekend?
Absolutely.
- I still have a few holes in my swing.
- Mm-hmm.
You wanna come take some hacks with me?
I don't know what that means,
but, yeah, I do.
It's okay. I'll teach you.
- Okay. I can't wait to learn.
- Yuck!
Somebody please give me a lobotomy.
[DOOR OPENS]
Well, guess who's got two thumbs
and a guinea pig to dispose of?
- What?
- Yep.
Came in this morning,
and Sweet Cheeks was belly up.
See, this is exactly why
you should've got a pet rock.
My students are developing a
bond that will last for eternity.
Melissa, are you sure it's dead?
Just the other day,
I thought my fish was dead.
[CLICKS TONGUE] She was just
taking her beauty sleep.
Maybe I ought to add
a tiny vanity to her aquarium.
Yes.
Hey, Shirley, order me a little
fish mirror for Queen LaSeafah.
Mmm. Yeah.
See, I told you this was gonna happen.
No, they told me at the store
that the guinea pig would live
for at least the school year.
Well, guess what? They're not
guinea pig doctors, are they?
It's gone. So now I gotta give
my kids the death talk.
Oh, my God, Melissa, I am
I'm so sorry. This is a disaster. Oh.
Um, can I get you anything?
- Grief counseling, a hug, or
- No!
I can take you out for a drink?
Janine, I don't need a beer
for a dead guinea pig, okay?
I'm gonna do what I always do.
I'mma go home,
throw some baby backs in the slow
cooker, and watch "Housewives."
Okay, well, maybe I can come over.
That's really not necessary.
Also, I'm getting
my carpets cleaned tonight.
Oh, but while you cook ribs?
And also at night?
Yeah, I got a discount.
What, you want me
to eat ribs on a dirty floor?
Also, what is with
all the questions, huh?
Whoa.
- I mean, are we good?
- We're good.
Are you good?
Ugh. My God.
- Janine, don't get hurt.
- What?
I feel awful. I mean, I pushed
Melissa to do something
she didn't want, and it didn't work out.
Should not have tried to
assert my guinea pig agenda.
[SIGHS]
I might be grown, but I can
still make rookie mistakes.
I'm so sorry, but that's just,
you know, the circle of life.
Right, kids?
Life is just like that.
[STUDENTS CRYING, SNIFFLING]
To quote Frank Sinatra's "That's Life,"
"That's life."
So, if you want, just come to me
with any questions
you might have, and rest assured that
Sweet Cheeks is in a better place.
Mmm-mmm-mmm.
That man put the "form"
in information technology.
Yeah. He's a real Firefox. [GIGGLES]
Get your ass on Chrome.
Anyway, he looks just like me
five years ago,
but with more hair.
This man is a weenie.
Excuse me, Principal Coleman,
can I talk to you for a second
about the computers?
- Sure.
- Grand rising, brother.
- Good afternoon.
- Are you the man
that we have to thank
for being able to use
these wonderful computers?
I just installed
some new programs, is all.
Well, it is just a blessing
to be able to work
on brand-new computers.
The kids are, uh
the kids are loving it.
Instead of "Oregon Trail,"
they now have Roblox,
which they shouldn't be
playing at school,
but, uh, still. [CHUCKLES]
It's going to be
a real difference maker.
Mm-hmm. These new computers are
going to put my students ahead
of the curve that so often wants
to leave them behind.
Mm.
So, I don't have all day.
Oh, my God.
The computers have Khan Academy.
[STUDENTS CHATTERING EXCITEDLY]
What did you want to tell me?
Yeah, uh, you know what? It can wait.
[CHATTER CONTINUES]
[WHISTLING] Hey. Oh! Bye, Melissa.
Hey, would you mind
giving me a ride to my place?
Uh, yeah, sure.
But didn't your ride just walk out?
- You didn't come in with Melissa?
- She's, uh, going out.
Really? Going out?
She told me she had ribs
in the slow cooker
and that she was getting
her carpets cleaned, so
Oh, is that what she's calling it now?
TMI.
What are you talking about?
She told me she's got a date.
Really?
Now, why would she lie about that?
I think she's keeping it
super secret because she's,
- like, really into him.
- Huh.
She already has a nickname for him.
Oh, yeah? She calls him "Sweet Cheeks."
- "Sweet Cheeks"?
- Mm-hmm.
I almost miss
when I knew less about her.
Excuse me. Sorry. Um
Matter of fact, can
we just go get a drink?
But guinea pigs
just wanna have fu-un ♪
Oh, and Sweet Cheeks just wanna have ♪
You just wanna ♪
Oh, holy [CHUCKLES]
I got a question for you, Melissa.
I didn't even see you come in.
[SCOFFS] Oh, Melissa, Melissa, Melissa.
[FEET SLAM]
So, how was your carpet cleaner?
- Yeah, fine.
- Yeah? Carpets all clean?
- Very.
- Mm-hmm? All polished up? [LIPS POP]
Okay, shampooed, but yeah.
Interesting. Oh.
- You're asking the wrong questions.
- Okay.
So, Melissa, where'd you put
Sweet Cheeks' body?
Trashed it.
Oh, yeah? Which trash?
Hey, what are you getting at, now?
[LAUGHING] This guy.
How much time did you do
on that slow cooker?
And at what temperature?
What's happening here? Just tell her.
I know Sweet Cheeks is alive.
Yeah. I saw you driving off
after school with him.
What kind of nefarious plan
you got here, Melissa?
What, you gonna fix him up
and flip him for profit, huh?
Wire his wheel to your house
so you never
have to pay for electricity again?
- No!
- Then what is it?
I love him. Okay? I love Sweet Cheeks.
He grew on me. I took him home.
Wait.
So you gave the death talk to your class
for a guinea pig
that still spins and bites?
Oh, my Lazarus. Mm! Melissa, you didn't.
Hey, now that I know
what's really going on,
do you think we could actually
get the carpets cleaned?
No!
Plot twist. The "M" in M. Night
Shyamalan stands for "Melissa."
Yeah, yeah. Give it up,
Melissa Night Shyamalan.
Guys, there are other directors.
Just because he's local does not
mean he's the only director.
You are bringing Sweet Cheeks
back in here today.
- Or else.
- Or else?
Or else I'm going to tell
your kids that he's still alive,
and you're going to have
to deal with it.
You have until after lunch.
Hey, I need to speak to you.
Who you talking to?
You.
What do you want?
I know there wasn't a lost ticket,
and I know that the district did
not give you these computers.
Damn it! Who gave it away? Barb?
It was Principal Coleman.
Well, that can't be right. That's me.
When you mentioned the processor,
it confirmed what
I was already thinking.
Even the newest computers
that the district distributes
don't have the
14th-generation processor.
- Where did you get these?
- Tuh!
You think I got in this chair
by folding under pressure?
No. But if you don't tell me,
I have to assume they're stolen
and report it.
We got the rich people building
the golf course to donate them.
You "got" them to?
Fine. It was blackmail, black man.
A bribe, quid pro quo.
They were doing illegal work,
and we needed the resources.
Look, the district is
not going to allow this.
You know what? Take them.
I'll find another way
to get my kids computers.
[CELLPHONE CLICKS]
I'm not gonna report you.
It's obvious that you all need
these computers,
and scheming is the only way
that you're able to get them.
I beg my pardon?
But we need to do things on my terms
so that none of us get caught.
I'm not losing my job over this.
And I know you do not
want to lose yours.
You gone stop talking to me like that.
Have a seat.
Okay, so, now, some of these
kids might have cats,
but you just remember
our training sessions,
and you're gonna be fine.
Yeah.
Yeah, baby. [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
How you doing?
I'm okay.
So you know, I don't go around
telling kids their animals
are dead for kicks.
That wasn't a suspicion of mine.
I just never had a pet before,
and I really fell for
this little stinker.
He's no Dwayne, but he's great.
What's really going on, Melissa?
Man, I don't know, I panicked.
Like, second graders
can't take care of themselves.
How are they going to keep him safe?
He could have died, you know?
I get it. I had a hard time
giving the kids
in the Goofball program
responsibility over the plants.
But then none of them died.
All of them died.
You're always such a huge help.
But before I started the Goofballs,
a wise woman told me that in order
to be the best teacher I could be,
I needed to open myself up to more
than what I thought
I owed these students.
That'd be scary,
'cause they make mistakes,
but watching them grow
from those mistakes,
it's worth it every time.
Thank you for giving
my own advice back to me.
It's the best advice I've gotten.
Come on. Don't you want to hold him?
I like rocks!
So, in order to keep this
little secret, it is imperative
that you direct all
IT-related issues to my office.
Don't just blindly submit them
to the district, Janine.
Why are you singling me out?
'Cause you're a district rat.
So, you have a, uh, software problem,
submit a ticket to me.
You have a network problem,
submit a ticket to me.
And if we run out of computer chips?
Submit a ticket to me.
Sorry, um, is it hot in here?
GREGORY: Uh, that
sounds good. Yeah, thanks.
MELISSA: Yeah, we got it.
JACOB: What if a computer breaks
and we need it fixed immediately?
What's a good cell number
to reach you at?
It's a good point. Um, I'm gonna give
Ms. Coleman my personal number,
and she can contact me directly
in case of an emergency
anytime.
Fine. Whatever.
Alright, give it up for O'Shon,
and let's get on with the day.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Oh, no.
No. No, you don't have to clap for me.
Kiss me, out of the bearded barley ♪
- Nightly ♪
- Why are you humming that song?
'Cause I just rented "She's
All That" from Blockbuster.
[SCOFFS] He ain't all that.
And he's poor.
[HUMMING "KISS ME"]
Oh.
I just like the song, okay?
So, listen, kiddos,
I know you're really upset about
the passing of Sweet Cheeks,
but we got a new guinea pig
from the store,
and we're going to call it
Sweet Cheeks 2.
Then why does he look like
Sweet Cheeks 1?
Turns out he's a twin.
Isn't that the same cage?
Yeah, I got it at a discount.
You never heard of upcycling?
How did he die, again?
Can we all please just raise our hands?
No more questions. Alright, look.
All that matters is that we are
going to promise to take care of
and love our new guinea pig
to the best of our ability,
no matter what mistakes
are definitely
going to be made along the way.
Can we do that? Okay.
Ms. Schemmenti, I made this sign.
They don't like when you do that.
Mm. Amici per la pelle.
That's Italian for "friends for life."
Can you say, "amici per la pelle"?
ALL: [TOGETHER] Amici per la pelle!
That's good. You don't have
to do the hands, though.
So the ol' guinea pig had
a long-lost twin?
I know the feeling.
Yeah, well, um,
honestly, it's the same guinea pig.
Then what did I bury?
[MOP HANDLE DROPS]
Hi! I am almost ready to go.
What, did you get a fish?
What happened to your rock?
They tore him apart.
It's just carnage.
Oh, no. Gregory, that's
It's actually really pretty. [CHUCKLES]
- You know, I tried to protect him.
- Yeah.
But they dropped him,
and they didn't mean to.
Yeah. But now, h-he's
He's sparkly!
No? Okay.
Well, look, maybe we can
get you another one, like,
from the side of a road or something?
So it, too, can shatter?
[SHAKILY] Like my fragile, little heart?
[SNIFFLES, SOBS]
Oh! Oh, no.
So, ramen tonight?
[SOBBING] Yeah.
Okay.