Absolutely Fabulous (1992) s04e03 Episode Script
Paris
Wheels on fire Rolling down the road Best notify my next of kin This wheel shall explode! Oh, Eds, photo shoot in Paris has a ring to it! Bubble, just try them again! To have their photograph taken with me for the magazine.
Here's my list.
Liv Tyler, Kate Beckinsale All right.
Emma Bunton.
Try Emma Bunton.
What magazine is it, darling? It's Tatler or Harpers.
The wonderful thing is it's not my magazine.
I have no responsibility.
I'm just going to be a model, modelling.
Who's in charge of it, sweetheart? Candy Bender.
Candy de Denison-Bender.
Try her.
Oh, try Chloe Sevigny.
She might want to be my daughter.
No, it's for Paris tomorrow.
What do you mean? Today! Darling, it's today! It's too late.
Too late.
Forget it.
Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn! Oh, darling, who was that? Kate Beckinsale, Chloe Sevigny, Thora Birch and Emma Bunton.
- You know what this means? - What's that? Saffy's going to have to be my daughter.
Never mind, Eddie.
Now, hurry up.
Erin said she's going to meet us at the Eurostar.
Eddie, hurry up! gloves, scarves, shoes.
gloves, scarves, shoes.
Oh, a model's life.
Ciao.
Professionalism, punctuality, and More lips, more face, more nose, sharper cheeks.
Darling? Pats, Pats, Pats.
For Saff? Yeah? Fabulous.
You're fabulous.
Saff.
Saff, Saff.
Saff, darling.
It's only me, darling.
It's all right.
It's not all right.
What do you want? It's time to get up.
Come on.
We're going to Paris.
You promised you'd do this for me.
Come on, darling.
You said you'd get someone else to do it.
Well, I tried Liv Tyler and Kate Beckinsale.
Joke.
I know it's not.
Oh, don't go limp again! Come on, get up, get up.
Day in Paris.
You can look at things.
Come on, sweetheart, darling.
You are my daughter - sad, but true.
- We will be back by tonight? - Yes.
Just one day.
Come here, sweetheart.
Look.
Mama's left some clothes for you.
All right? That'll be lovely on you.
Look, sweetheart.
And don't worry about all this.
They'll sort all this out.
OK? get dressed, sweetheart.
I'm your mother.
I have seen your tits before.
No, you haven't.
We've all got 'em, darling.
Come on, quick, quick, quick.
Speed, speed.
Darling, is this an article or the whole edition? Candy says it's the whole edition.
Generation Flex.
Your bit will be just a little insert.
The fashion - that's me and Erin - the spreads.
The cover.
Oh, Eddie, modelling again! Going on a photo shoot.
It's just like the old times, babe.
Do you need all this stuff? It's only a day.
Darling, as a model, you have to be prepared.
Good nails, teeth, hair, and a look that says to the photographer, "There's nothing I won't do to make your life easier.
" Yeah.
That's lovely, darling.
That's gorgeous, love.
Beautiful.
Say Thursday.
- Thursday.
- Lovely.
Say Thursday again.
Thursday.
More movement, love.
Beautiful.
Thursday.
- Thurs - Why is she coming? She's doing the fashion thing with Erin O'Connor - the face of now.
Same as us.
Young and old.
You're not old, Eddie.
Did you hear that? What are you wearing? What are you wearing? Look at this! That shirt is trying to strangle you.
Why does everything you wear look like it's bearing a grudge? You've got a wardrobe full of little murderers.
Look at them.
Who else is doing our article? Jerry Hall's got Lizzie Jagger.
Goldie Hawn's got Kate Hudson.
- Ivana's got Ivanka.
- Inevitably.
- And I've got little Erin O'Connor.
- Erin.
It all sounds sad.
It's not sad, actually, darling.
It's all about this great idea.
If you can be interesting at 20, you can be interesting at 30, 40, 50, 60.
Eddie, I'm 42! Well, I hope I'll be more interesting.
Well, hallelujah! Don't we all? Anyway, once a party girl, always a party girl.
If you can still get a straw up your nose The world is your toilet seat! That's Candy Bender.
- She's the fashion - Deputy sub With the magazine, anyway.
Go and answer the door, darling! Tell him we're meeting Erin at the station! Oh, Erin, sweet little thing.
She just worships me.
She thinks I'm cool.
I'm a bit of a role model here.
Shut up.
Shut up about Erin.
Now, where are my G-string panty pads? Ooh.
What are you doing? Well, I'm not dressed like this to stay here and eat whelks.
Hello, darling.
Can you get rid of that for me? A little present from Fisty.
Come on, guys.
We're going to be late! - We're coming.
- Erin's meeting us at the station.
Who's the photographer? Lichfield, Bailey? - Rimmer.
- Rimmer? - Dazed And Confused.
- Like Patsy.
Oh, Rimmer! Rimmer.
I love Rimmer.
And, darling, what's the mood? Yves St Laurent - I love it! trailer trash.
I'll sort it out when we get there.
You! What are you doing here? You silly tit, dressed like a tit.
You're not coming.
You haven't got a ticket.
- You have to be chipped! - Chip! Chip! She's talking to you.
Actually, has your dog been chipped? - What? - They won't let it in.
- Are you sure? - Yes.
A dog needs its own passport.
Erin? No, we're meeting her at the station.
I must ring Minge.
Get her to look after Fisty.
- Chicken licking! - Undo your top button! I'm not asking you to get your tatters out.
Just undo your button.
Got everything? Oh! Money, tickets, passport.
Bring those, Dave.
Put this there.
Oh, Erin! Erin! Erin! Patsy.
- Bit bloody early, isn't it? - Early? In my day, this wasn't early, this was yesterday.
Do you know Rimmer? Yes.
I love Rimmer.
Do you know Candy? - No.
- Lady Candida Denison-Bender.
Candy de Bender.
Candy Bender.
I'm afraid I don't.
Shall we? Yes.
Oh, just us.
Just us.
Erin, Erin.
Bitch, Minge.
Minge won't take Fisty.
You'll have to go without me.
Tie him up here and we'll pick him up later.
No, don't.
I know how that feels.
Rimmer knows what he's doing.
He'll be fine.
That's a nice little bag.
I've got a little bag.
Shame she couldn't come with us.
- What's this? - It's a guide book.
You are not bringing that with you.
No! - But I want to see Paris.
- Put that away! Put that book down, will you? - She's a friend of mine.
- She's a friend of mine, too.
Rimmer, did you do Jerry Hall and Lizzie Jagger? Were they outrageous? They were great.
They had a real kind of machismo bitch thing going.
Put the passport down.
No one wants to see that.
- Can I see your photo? - It's awful - I'll give you mine.
- It's Rosa Klebb! Yours can't be bad.
Pretty, isn't she? God, you're much younger than me.
Living with my mother makes me look old.
- Look at mine.
- I love that angle.
See mine? My face doesn't normally look like this.
- It's too close to the camera.
- It's a good photo.
- The photographer caught something.
- Syphilis.
Stop it! Will you just grow up?! Who's Rosa Klebb? Why does no one ever mean anything to you? Rosa Klebb was the ugliest woman The second ugliest woman in the world.
She was in that Bond Who was the Bond in that Bond? - There's only one Bond, darling.
- Erin, Sean was the Bond.
Sean? Right.
I think that was before I was born.
That's lovely.
- Pats? - Yeah? We're still in the tunnel.
Where are we going? - Here.
- Café de Flore.
Yes.
Go on, little man.
Put it on for fun.
No! I am not your accessory.
To get rid of that death pallor! I'll do it myself! What is wrong with this? Tell her.
Look, no.
I shall do it myself.
I've got everything with me.
I've got shoes, bags, scarves, gloves.
- Patsy.
- Yes, darling.
I think they just really want a clean look.
Clean? I know what clean means, darling.
I'm in the business.
Clean means It means you look like nothing.
You look like a little smudge.
Because some talentless misogynist wants you to look like shit! No, no, no.
Rimmer, do us first because we're ready.
I know.
It doesn't get much better than this, I'm afraid.
Get off! Doesn't it make you sick sometimes to be made to look as though you've been dragged out of the gutter or been shooting up in some toilet in some soiled Agent Provocateur ripped T-shirt? Oh, Erin, Erin! No! Not you.
Not you, Erin.
Darling, not you.
I was just thinking back to when we were models.
We had to be glamorous.
We were goddesses.
Me and Shrimpton, and Twiggy, and Peggy Moffit, Veroushka and Annegret, Lauren Hutton.
That was New York, Paris and Rome.
I've got to do the models first.
It's a mindset thing.
What models? It's not just those two.
Foale and Tuffin, mink hems and patchwork panne velvet.
I don't think it was quite like that.
Annegret! Come on, Patsy.
Pull yourself together.
Annegret, what's wrong with her? I don't know.
I employed her because she said she was a friend of yours.
I hardly know her.
- What are you doing here? - We're doing this generation thing.
We? But it's only moisturiser.
It's not make-up as such.
Erin, you look gorgeous.
I hope he lets me keep this top on.
It'll be freezing.
And what'll I be wearing? No! Eddie! - You'll be all right.
- Eddie! I'll send up some champagne.
No! No! Let's have doo croissants and doo cafes.
Deux cafés, deux croissants.
- That's so embarrassing.
- It's not embarrassing.
Not as embarrassing as you looking like some tourist, darling.
You see everything but yourself.
You always have the best view because you're not looking at you.
Put that away! Put that away.
- Where are you going? - I'm not sitting here all day.
They're going to phone us about the photo.
Then let's go.
I want to see Paris.
I'm going on my own.
You are not because you will do a runner! I know you.
- What? - Vous n'avez pas payé là haut.
- He wants you to pay.
- C' est pas payé là haut.
Les medames sou la scalatier pay.
I will not wear denim! Ask Erin.
Erin knows about me and denim.
Champagne, champagne, pronto.
Sou scalier.
Champagne.
If that bitch comes near me with a wet wipe, I'll shove it up her arse! Where do you want to go? The Louvre? Arc de Triomphe? Notre Dame? - Seen that.
- When? I don't believe you.
- I saw it in London.
- What? With Danii Minogue, darling.
The church! not the musical.
You haven't seen the church.
- The church.
- Right.
Then you'll have to follow me.
OK, girls.
When I say it Are you ready? And turn! OK.
One more time.
No smiling this time.
Let's do it.
Give me mood.
Face that way.
Wait for me to say it and turn! Right, you.
I don't like what you're doing - all this with your face.
Fromage frais! Why do we have such crap when everything here is so nice? Mm? They dress their meat better than we dress ourselves.
You could take a lesson from that.
Dead flesh with dignity.
Dead but with dignity.
When I die, I want to be dressed by a French butcher.
Some people think you already have been.
Look, darling.
Duck à L'orange with tangerine accessories.
We just have crap.
Patsy, you don't have to smile like that.
I wasn't smiling.
I just shouldn't be standing next to Daphne! If she wasn't your friend, I'd get rid of her.
I hardly know her.
Come on! One more time.
Get with it.
Face that way.
No smiling this time.
One more.
And turn.
Why don't we stop somewhere? Look, darling.
People with bent legs sitting on strange wooden artefacts.
Café.
Sit.
God, shops.
Look, darling.
Shops.
Those are the same shops you have in London.
You can shop in London.
I don't want to go to a French Virgin Records or a McDonalds or a Walt Disney Store! We're living in a global shopping mall, and you still think there's a bloody exit.
Little man.
Oh, God.
Where are we going now, darling? You are allowed to walk slowly.
It's not against the law here.
What's in your rucksack? Crampons to conquer the Eiffel Tower? Darling, darling, don't go so fast.
You'll lose me.
Lose you? They can see you from space.
You and the Great Wall of China.
Oi, Rimmer, are these two really necessary? - Oh! - Oh! Thank God for that.
It is you.
What's the matter with you? You look very faint.
Like the photocopier is running out of ink.
Like you've been roneoed and roneoed and roneoed and roneoed over and over and this is the very last copy.
I am looking into the future and it's not very pretty.
Why can't we have any fun? Why can't we go on the wheel? Stop it! Stop moaning! - We're going to go to the gallery.
- No.
And if there's a queue, we can have a nice cup of tea.
- No.
Ah - Sit in a nice garden.
Look who you've turned into.
Look who you've turned into.
Come along, Edwina dear.
One more attraction and then it's back to the campsite.
Daddy will have the tea on.
The flask is quite empty now.
I don't like their milk.
It's not disinfectanted.
Like them, dear.
Don't let them catch your eye or they may say something to you.
Oh, here's your lunch.
I would have had it filled, but your father had the phrasebook.
Come along, dear.
We are sophisticated human beings, darling.
We don't need this! All right, then.
I don't want to be like that.
- What? - I mean, what should we do? - What? - What would you and Patsy do? Oh.
Well Patsy? Well, it's a city full of beautiful shops.
We'd go shopping.
Have a drink in a bar, go shopping, few little things, shopping, drink, shopping, drink, lunch at Costes.
Shopping, stop for another drink, then we'd go up the Eiffel Tower and get our tits out.
Oh, all right, then.
Let's do it.
Let's do your day.
- There you go, darling.
Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Cheers, sweetheart.
- Mm.
It's very nice.
That's wine, sweetheart.
Yes, I know.
It's a very good Chablis.
It's overpriced.
- Sweetheart.
- Sorry.
- I like these lamps.
- Yes.
Don't change the house again.
No, I won't, darling.
I won't.
I won't.
- It is just the two of us.
- Yes.
Christian! Christian! Christian! Ello! - I'm not wearing your clothes.
- I'm so happy.
That was Lacroix.
I know, Mum.
He made my wedding dress.
Look at that Buddha, sweetheart.
- I wonder how it got in here.
- Do you? Better not let the Taliban know it's here.
You put yourself in that line.
Very nice, very beautiful.
Get in order in a line simply from youngest to oldest.
How many times do I have to explain this? I'm 42! You wish! So what makes a place "the place"? You mean the place to be? - Well, you do, darling.
- Oh.
No.
Not you, darling.
- No, I know.
- Who goes there.
Buddha understands me.
Buddha understands.
Darling, if you have a fatwa on you, does it make you fat? No.
Will you tell Patsy that? Patsy? Oh, Smasher Distel! - Patsy Stone? - Oi! Patsy? Oh, sorry.
I thought you were someone else.
This is lovely.
Look at that fireplace.
Sh, darling.
Just relax.
They know it's lovely.
They don't need you to tell them.
Look down your nose a little bit at it.
Stop it.
Open the menu.
Open the menu.
When the waiter comes, read something off the menu, don't ask about it.
It's all good food.
Mesdames, bonjour.
Vous avez fait votre choix? Aricots verts.
Vous les voulez chauds ou froids? It's OK, Mum.
Une minute, s'il vous plaît.
Je vais demander à ma mère qu'est-ce qu'elle veut manger.
- D'accord.
- Aricots verts.
I'll choose it.
Alors, ma mère va prendre la salade aux haricots verts suivie des noisettes d'agneau, et moi je veux les champignons farcis et comme entrée le risotto.
Et pour commencer un bon Chablis, et puis avec les entrées, un Chateauneuf du Pape.
Très bien.
C'est la première fois que je suis ici - c'est magnifique.
Merci beaucoup.
You paid for my education.
Don't look surprised.
- But - It's just a language.
You just have to learn it.
It doesn't just happen because you wear the right shoes or smoke the right cigarettes.
It's very boring, I'm afraid.
Call him back and say something else.
- No.
- Go on, darling.
You sound quite interesting in French.
It suits you.
You should always speak French.
That's my daughter.
Parler Panglais.
- Go on.
- No.
Tell me off, darling, in French.
Go on, darling.
Go on.
In French.
Go on.
Pardon? I hate all these new magazine styles, don't you? They're so brutal and ugly.
I think they're fantastic.
I love young things.
Hey, Rimmer.
I love what you do, babe.
What do you want next? I want you to not touch me again.
- Is that nice? - Mmm.
Delicious.
Is that Stella? Darling, is that Stella? - Who? - Stella McCartney.
Oh, it's Stella.
Leather, leather, leather, leather! Get rid of my shoes.
Oh, God.
Why won't that woman ever speak to me, darling? Mum, you've got meat in your hair.
Oooh, disgusting.
Never mind.
I am old carcass eating old carcass, darling.
What are they doing about the photo? Bubble was going to call me, wasn't she? Go call.
- I'm going to the toilet.
- to the Louvre.
- No, to the - It's a joke, sweetheart.
Mummy's little joke.
Quick Pompipoo in the Louvre.
OK.
Hold the signs up.
OK.
You - you will wear that.
If you read it, don't - you don't want to know.
You're second-hand cars.
It's a tableau - transversitality thing.
Young models, old models.
Don't look at me like that.
It's ironic, OK? Ta da! It's not very high.
It's not the height.
It's just the The tits out? There are so many people.
What people? I see no people.
I see no people.
I see no people.
What's our philosophy, darling? - I know.
- Come on.
I'll never see any of these people ever again.
It's our philosophy of life, darling.
Come on.
- I'm not sure.
- Oh, sweetheart.
Do you know what I'm looking at here? It's a prisoner.
You're a prisoner.
Do you know what your cage is? Other people's eyes.
Why do you care what they think? They're keeping you in this cage.
This is a release, sweetheart.
Do you think Patsy and I go up there to be rude, sweetheart? No! It's a release.
Your tits are the key to your cage, darling.
Keys, keys.
Come on, let's go up.
Come on.
Mummy and daughter do it.
Just like any old mummy and daughtie.
Go on, sweetie.
We'll just dump the shopping at security.
Come on.
Dancing, dancing, dancing.
No, not you dancing.
Just me dancing.
Get to the top and just do it.
Just do it.
Undo the buttons.
Then we'll go to the second floor.
I don't know if they take you right up any more.
Here we are, darling.
This is a good place, isn't it? This is a good place.
Here.
There aren't many people around.
Ready? - All right.
- Release yourself, sweetheart.
Are you ready? OK.
here we go.
- Undo your buttons.
- Are you? Yes.
I'm going to lift mine.
Bit of a flasher.
Ready, ready? Ready, darling.
And go! Wheel's on fire Rolling down the road Best notify my next of kin This wheel shall explode.
Where's your bit, darling? Erin and I are going to do a U.
S.
Exclusive.
It was Erin's idea.
She loved the pictures.
What a wonderful day that was.
Paris! Saff? Ooh! Sweetheart! Darling.
It's the magazine, sweetheart.
It's not as bad as you think, honestly.
Look.
They put the staples through me.
Come on.
Here it is.
Here it is.
have a look at it, darling.
Just have a look.
Sweetheart? FM and Loaded want you to do a cover.
This wheel shall explode.
Ziggy played guitar!
Here's my list.
Liv Tyler, Kate Beckinsale All right.
Emma Bunton.
Try Emma Bunton.
What magazine is it, darling? It's Tatler or Harpers.
The wonderful thing is it's not my magazine.
I have no responsibility.
I'm just going to be a model, modelling.
Who's in charge of it, sweetheart? Candy Bender.
Candy de Denison-Bender.
Try her.
Oh, try Chloe Sevigny.
She might want to be my daughter.
No, it's for Paris tomorrow.
What do you mean? Today! Darling, it's today! It's too late.
Too late.
Forget it.
Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn! Oh, darling, who was that? Kate Beckinsale, Chloe Sevigny, Thora Birch and Emma Bunton.
- You know what this means? - What's that? Saffy's going to have to be my daughter.
Never mind, Eddie.
Now, hurry up.
Erin said she's going to meet us at the Eurostar.
Eddie, hurry up! gloves, scarves, shoes.
gloves, scarves, shoes.
Oh, a model's life.
Ciao.
Professionalism, punctuality, and More lips, more face, more nose, sharper cheeks.
Darling? Pats, Pats, Pats.
For Saff? Yeah? Fabulous.
You're fabulous.
Saff.
Saff, Saff.
Saff, darling.
It's only me, darling.
It's all right.
It's not all right.
What do you want? It's time to get up.
Come on.
We're going to Paris.
You promised you'd do this for me.
Come on, darling.
You said you'd get someone else to do it.
Well, I tried Liv Tyler and Kate Beckinsale.
Joke.
I know it's not.
Oh, don't go limp again! Come on, get up, get up.
Day in Paris.
You can look at things.
Come on, sweetheart, darling.
You are my daughter - sad, but true.
- We will be back by tonight? - Yes.
Just one day.
Come here, sweetheart.
Look.
Mama's left some clothes for you.
All right? That'll be lovely on you.
Look, sweetheart.
And don't worry about all this.
They'll sort all this out.
OK? get dressed, sweetheart.
I'm your mother.
I have seen your tits before.
No, you haven't.
We've all got 'em, darling.
Come on, quick, quick, quick.
Speed, speed.
Darling, is this an article or the whole edition? Candy says it's the whole edition.
Generation Flex.
Your bit will be just a little insert.
The fashion - that's me and Erin - the spreads.
The cover.
Oh, Eddie, modelling again! Going on a photo shoot.
It's just like the old times, babe.
Do you need all this stuff? It's only a day.
Darling, as a model, you have to be prepared.
Good nails, teeth, hair, and a look that says to the photographer, "There's nothing I won't do to make your life easier.
" Yeah.
That's lovely, darling.
That's gorgeous, love.
Beautiful.
Say Thursday.
- Thursday.
- Lovely.
Say Thursday again.
Thursday.
More movement, love.
Beautiful.
Thursday.
- Thurs - Why is she coming? She's doing the fashion thing with Erin O'Connor - the face of now.
Same as us.
Young and old.
You're not old, Eddie.
Did you hear that? What are you wearing? What are you wearing? Look at this! That shirt is trying to strangle you.
Why does everything you wear look like it's bearing a grudge? You've got a wardrobe full of little murderers.
Look at them.
Who else is doing our article? Jerry Hall's got Lizzie Jagger.
Goldie Hawn's got Kate Hudson.
- Ivana's got Ivanka.
- Inevitably.
- And I've got little Erin O'Connor.
- Erin.
It all sounds sad.
It's not sad, actually, darling.
It's all about this great idea.
If you can be interesting at 20, you can be interesting at 30, 40, 50, 60.
Eddie, I'm 42! Well, I hope I'll be more interesting.
Well, hallelujah! Don't we all? Anyway, once a party girl, always a party girl.
If you can still get a straw up your nose The world is your toilet seat! That's Candy Bender.
- She's the fashion - Deputy sub With the magazine, anyway.
Go and answer the door, darling! Tell him we're meeting Erin at the station! Oh, Erin, sweet little thing.
She just worships me.
She thinks I'm cool.
I'm a bit of a role model here.
Shut up.
Shut up about Erin.
Now, where are my G-string panty pads? Ooh.
What are you doing? Well, I'm not dressed like this to stay here and eat whelks.
Hello, darling.
Can you get rid of that for me? A little present from Fisty.
Come on, guys.
We're going to be late! - We're coming.
- Erin's meeting us at the station.
Who's the photographer? Lichfield, Bailey? - Rimmer.
- Rimmer? - Dazed And Confused.
- Like Patsy.
Oh, Rimmer! Rimmer.
I love Rimmer.
And, darling, what's the mood? Yves St Laurent - I love it! trailer trash.
I'll sort it out when we get there.
You! What are you doing here? You silly tit, dressed like a tit.
You're not coming.
You haven't got a ticket.
- You have to be chipped! - Chip! Chip! She's talking to you.
Actually, has your dog been chipped? - What? - They won't let it in.
- Are you sure? - Yes.
A dog needs its own passport.
Erin? No, we're meeting her at the station.
I must ring Minge.
Get her to look after Fisty.
- Chicken licking! - Undo your top button! I'm not asking you to get your tatters out.
Just undo your button.
Got everything? Oh! Money, tickets, passport.
Bring those, Dave.
Put this there.
Oh, Erin! Erin! Erin! Patsy.
- Bit bloody early, isn't it? - Early? In my day, this wasn't early, this was yesterday.
Do you know Rimmer? Yes.
I love Rimmer.
Do you know Candy? - No.
- Lady Candida Denison-Bender.
Candy de Bender.
Candy Bender.
I'm afraid I don't.
Shall we? Yes.
Oh, just us.
Just us.
Erin, Erin.
Bitch, Minge.
Minge won't take Fisty.
You'll have to go without me.
Tie him up here and we'll pick him up later.
No, don't.
I know how that feels.
Rimmer knows what he's doing.
He'll be fine.
That's a nice little bag.
I've got a little bag.
Shame she couldn't come with us.
- What's this? - It's a guide book.
You are not bringing that with you.
No! - But I want to see Paris.
- Put that away! Put that book down, will you? - She's a friend of mine.
- She's a friend of mine, too.
Rimmer, did you do Jerry Hall and Lizzie Jagger? Were they outrageous? They were great.
They had a real kind of machismo bitch thing going.
Put the passport down.
No one wants to see that.
- Can I see your photo? - It's awful - I'll give you mine.
- It's Rosa Klebb! Yours can't be bad.
Pretty, isn't she? God, you're much younger than me.
Living with my mother makes me look old.
- Look at mine.
- I love that angle.
See mine? My face doesn't normally look like this.
- It's too close to the camera.
- It's a good photo.
- The photographer caught something.
- Syphilis.
Stop it! Will you just grow up?! Who's Rosa Klebb? Why does no one ever mean anything to you? Rosa Klebb was the ugliest woman The second ugliest woman in the world.
She was in that Bond Who was the Bond in that Bond? - There's only one Bond, darling.
- Erin, Sean was the Bond.
Sean? Right.
I think that was before I was born.
That's lovely.
- Pats? - Yeah? We're still in the tunnel.
Where are we going? - Here.
- Café de Flore.
Yes.
Go on, little man.
Put it on for fun.
No! I am not your accessory.
To get rid of that death pallor! I'll do it myself! What is wrong with this? Tell her.
Look, no.
I shall do it myself.
I've got everything with me.
I've got shoes, bags, scarves, gloves.
- Patsy.
- Yes, darling.
I think they just really want a clean look.
Clean? I know what clean means, darling.
I'm in the business.
Clean means It means you look like nothing.
You look like a little smudge.
Because some talentless misogynist wants you to look like shit! No, no, no.
Rimmer, do us first because we're ready.
I know.
It doesn't get much better than this, I'm afraid.
Get off! Doesn't it make you sick sometimes to be made to look as though you've been dragged out of the gutter or been shooting up in some toilet in some soiled Agent Provocateur ripped T-shirt? Oh, Erin, Erin! No! Not you.
Not you, Erin.
Darling, not you.
I was just thinking back to when we were models.
We had to be glamorous.
We were goddesses.
Me and Shrimpton, and Twiggy, and Peggy Moffit, Veroushka and Annegret, Lauren Hutton.
That was New York, Paris and Rome.
I've got to do the models first.
It's a mindset thing.
What models? It's not just those two.
Foale and Tuffin, mink hems and patchwork panne velvet.
I don't think it was quite like that.
Annegret! Come on, Patsy.
Pull yourself together.
Annegret, what's wrong with her? I don't know.
I employed her because she said she was a friend of yours.
I hardly know her.
- What are you doing here? - We're doing this generation thing.
We? But it's only moisturiser.
It's not make-up as such.
Erin, you look gorgeous.
I hope he lets me keep this top on.
It'll be freezing.
And what'll I be wearing? No! Eddie! - You'll be all right.
- Eddie! I'll send up some champagne.
No! No! Let's have doo croissants and doo cafes.
Deux cafés, deux croissants.
- That's so embarrassing.
- It's not embarrassing.
Not as embarrassing as you looking like some tourist, darling.
You see everything but yourself.
You always have the best view because you're not looking at you.
Put that away! Put that away.
- Where are you going? - I'm not sitting here all day.
They're going to phone us about the photo.
Then let's go.
I want to see Paris.
I'm going on my own.
You are not because you will do a runner! I know you.
- What? - Vous n'avez pas payé là haut.
- He wants you to pay.
- C' est pas payé là haut.
Les medames sou la scalatier pay.
I will not wear denim! Ask Erin.
Erin knows about me and denim.
Champagne, champagne, pronto.
Sou scalier.
Champagne.
If that bitch comes near me with a wet wipe, I'll shove it up her arse! Where do you want to go? The Louvre? Arc de Triomphe? Notre Dame? - Seen that.
- When? I don't believe you.
- I saw it in London.
- What? With Danii Minogue, darling.
The church! not the musical.
You haven't seen the church.
- The church.
- Right.
Then you'll have to follow me.
OK, girls.
When I say it Are you ready? And turn! OK.
One more time.
No smiling this time.
Let's do it.
Give me mood.
Face that way.
Wait for me to say it and turn! Right, you.
I don't like what you're doing - all this with your face.
Fromage frais! Why do we have such crap when everything here is so nice? Mm? They dress their meat better than we dress ourselves.
You could take a lesson from that.
Dead flesh with dignity.
Dead but with dignity.
When I die, I want to be dressed by a French butcher.
Some people think you already have been.
Look, darling.
Duck à L'orange with tangerine accessories.
We just have crap.
Patsy, you don't have to smile like that.
I wasn't smiling.
I just shouldn't be standing next to Daphne! If she wasn't your friend, I'd get rid of her.
I hardly know her.
Come on! One more time.
Get with it.
Face that way.
No smiling this time.
One more.
And turn.
Why don't we stop somewhere? Look, darling.
People with bent legs sitting on strange wooden artefacts.
Café.
Sit.
God, shops.
Look, darling.
Shops.
Those are the same shops you have in London.
You can shop in London.
I don't want to go to a French Virgin Records or a McDonalds or a Walt Disney Store! We're living in a global shopping mall, and you still think there's a bloody exit.
Little man.
Oh, God.
Where are we going now, darling? You are allowed to walk slowly.
It's not against the law here.
What's in your rucksack? Crampons to conquer the Eiffel Tower? Darling, darling, don't go so fast.
You'll lose me.
Lose you? They can see you from space.
You and the Great Wall of China.
Oi, Rimmer, are these two really necessary? - Oh! - Oh! Thank God for that.
It is you.
What's the matter with you? You look very faint.
Like the photocopier is running out of ink.
Like you've been roneoed and roneoed and roneoed and roneoed over and over and this is the very last copy.
I am looking into the future and it's not very pretty.
Why can't we have any fun? Why can't we go on the wheel? Stop it! Stop moaning! - We're going to go to the gallery.
- No.
And if there's a queue, we can have a nice cup of tea.
- No.
Ah - Sit in a nice garden.
Look who you've turned into.
Look who you've turned into.
Come along, Edwina dear.
One more attraction and then it's back to the campsite.
Daddy will have the tea on.
The flask is quite empty now.
I don't like their milk.
It's not disinfectanted.
Like them, dear.
Don't let them catch your eye or they may say something to you.
Oh, here's your lunch.
I would have had it filled, but your father had the phrasebook.
Come along, dear.
We are sophisticated human beings, darling.
We don't need this! All right, then.
I don't want to be like that.
- What? - I mean, what should we do? - What? - What would you and Patsy do? Oh.
Well Patsy? Well, it's a city full of beautiful shops.
We'd go shopping.
Have a drink in a bar, go shopping, few little things, shopping, drink, shopping, drink, lunch at Costes.
Shopping, stop for another drink, then we'd go up the Eiffel Tower and get our tits out.
Oh, all right, then.
Let's do it.
Let's do your day.
- There you go, darling.
Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Cheers, sweetheart.
- Mm.
It's very nice.
That's wine, sweetheart.
Yes, I know.
It's a very good Chablis.
It's overpriced.
- Sweetheart.
- Sorry.
- I like these lamps.
- Yes.
Don't change the house again.
No, I won't, darling.
I won't.
I won't.
- It is just the two of us.
- Yes.
Christian! Christian! Christian! Ello! - I'm not wearing your clothes.
- I'm so happy.
That was Lacroix.
I know, Mum.
He made my wedding dress.
Look at that Buddha, sweetheart.
- I wonder how it got in here.
- Do you? Better not let the Taliban know it's here.
You put yourself in that line.
Very nice, very beautiful.
Get in order in a line simply from youngest to oldest.
How many times do I have to explain this? I'm 42! You wish! So what makes a place "the place"? You mean the place to be? - Well, you do, darling.
- Oh.
No.
Not you, darling.
- No, I know.
- Who goes there.
Buddha understands me.
Buddha understands.
Darling, if you have a fatwa on you, does it make you fat? No.
Will you tell Patsy that? Patsy? Oh, Smasher Distel! - Patsy Stone? - Oi! Patsy? Oh, sorry.
I thought you were someone else.
This is lovely.
Look at that fireplace.
Sh, darling.
Just relax.
They know it's lovely.
They don't need you to tell them.
Look down your nose a little bit at it.
Stop it.
Open the menu.
Open the menu.
When the waiter comes, read something off the menu, don't ask about it.
It's all good food.
Mesdames, bonjour.
Vous avez fait votre choix? Aricots verts.
Vous les voulez chauds ou froids? It's OK, Mum.
Une minute, s'il vous plaît.
Je vais demander à ma mère qu'est-ce qu'elle veut manger.
- D'accord.
- Aricots verts.
I'll choose it.
Alors, ma mère va prendre la salade aux haricots verts suivie des noisettes d'agneau, et moi je veux les champignons farcis et comme entrée le risotto.
Et pour commencer un bon Chablis, et puis avec les entrées, un Chateauneuf du Pape.
Très bien.
C'est la première fois que je suis ici - c'est magnifique.
Merci beaucoup.
You paid for my education.
Don't look surprised.
- But - It's just a language.
You just have to learn it.
It doesn't just happen because you wear the right shoes or smoke the right cigarettes.
It's very boring, I'm afraid.
Call him back and say something else.
- No.
- Go on, darling.
You sound quite interesting in French.
It suits you.
You should always speak French.
That's my daughter.
Parler Panglais.
- Go on.
- No.
Tell me off, darling, in French.
Go on, darling.
Go on.
In French.
Go on.
Pardon? I hate all these new magazine styles, don't you? They're so brutal and ugly.
I think they're fantastic.
I love young things.
Hey, Rimmer.
I love what you do, babe.
What do you want next? I want you to not touch me again.
- Is that nice? - Mmm.
Delicious.
Is that Stella? Darling, is that Stella? - Who? - Stella McCartney.
Oh, it's Stella.
Leather, leather, leather, leather! Get rid of my shoes.
Oh, God.
Why won't that woman ever speak to me, darling? Mum, you've got meat in your hair.
Oooh, disgusting.
Never mind.
I am old carcass eating old carcass, darling.
What are they doing about the photo? Bubble was going to call me, wasn't she? Go call.
- I'm going to the toilet.
- to the Louvre.
- No, to the - It's a joke, sweetheart.
Mummy's little joke.
Quick Pompipoo in the Louvre.
OK.
Hold the signs up.
OK.
You - you will wear that.
If you read it, don't - you don't want to know.
You're second-hand cars.
It's a tableau - transversitality thing.
Young models, old models.
Don't look at me like that.
It's ironic, OK? Ta da! It's not very high.
It's not the height.
It's just the The tits out? There are so many people.
What people? I see no people.
I see no people.
I see no people.
What's our philosophy, darling? - I know.
- Come on.
I'll never see any of these people ever again.
It's our philosophy of life, darling.
Come on.
- I'm not sure.
- Oh, sweetheart.
Do you know what I'm looking at here? It's a prisoner.
You're a prisoner.
Do you know what your cage is? Other people's eyes.
Why do you care what they think? They're keeping you in this cage.
This is a release, sweetheart.
Do you think Patsy and I go up there to be rude, sweetheart? No! It's a release.
Your tits are the key to your cage, darling.
Keys, keys.
Come on, let's go up.
Come on.
Mummy and daughter do it.
Just like any old mummy and daughtie.
Go on, sweetie.
We'll just dump the shopping at security.
Come on.
Dancing, dancing, dancing.
No, not you dancing.
Just me dancing.
Get to the top and just do it.
Just do it.
Undo the buttons.
Then we'll go to the second floor.
I don't know if they take you right up any more.
Here we are, darling.
This is a good place, isn't it? This is a good place.
Here.
There aren't many people around.
Ready? - All right.
- Release yourself, sweetheart.
Are you ready? OK.
here we go.
- Undo your buttons.
- Are you? Yes.
I'm going to lift mine.
Bit of a flasher.
Ready, ready? Ready, darling.
And go! Wheel's on fire Rolling down the road Best notify my next of kin This wheel shall explode.
Where's your bit, darling? Erin and I are going to do a U.
S.
Exclusive.
It was Erin's idea.
She loved the pictures.
What a wonderful day that was.
Paris! Saff? Ooh! Sweetheart! Darling.
It's the magazine, sweetheart.
It's not as bad as you think, honestly.
Look.
They put the staples through me.
Come on.
Here it is.
Here it is.
have a look at it, darling.
Just have a look.
Sweetheart? FM and Loaded want you to do a cover.
This wheel shall explode.
Ziggy played guitar!