Alfred Hitchcock Presents s04e03 Episode Script

Good evening.
It grieves me to announce that it will be impossible for my cousin, Alvin Hitchcock, to entertain you with his singing.
He fell victim to a crowd of teenage souvenir hunters.
After first helping themselves to bits of his clothing, they began snipping off locks of his hair.
He held still for that.
After all, he certainly needed a haircut.
But when they had exhausted his hair, they refused to stop snipping.
He was very popular.
This was all we found.
Tonight's program was to have included many of his greatest hits.
I Dig You, Darling, 'Cause You're Sick, Sick, Sick: The FBI Is Breaking Up That Old Gang Of Mine: Take Off Your Leather Jacket, Mother: You Shall Not Ride Tonight: And Tchaikovsky's Rock And Roll Concerto: Substituting for his concert is a play, "The Jokester.
" However, as a tribute to Alvin, let us first observe one minute of noise.
Oh, come on, Andrews, let it alone.
Bet I woke every stiff up down there.
You're high, Andrews, what are your bets? Let's see, that'll be what, a couple? I'm out.
I'll see you, Andrews.
Well, that puts me out.
Joker gave me a straight.
You bum.
You're pretty lucky.
Let's see how lucky you are with your fists.
Come on.
Watch it, Andrews, you might get hit in the wrong place.
Oh, what do you mean? I'm not kidding, I've got a bum neck.
Come on, what are you talking about? You're the picture of health.
No, I've got a very sensitive vertebrae right here.
I hurt it playing football in high school.
Oh, come on, that was years ago.
Yeah.
You're breaking my heart.
I spent two weeks in a bed paralyzed because of it.
Well, it sure doesn't stop you from winning at poker.
Now, that's the second time you've drawn the joker.
Well, that's the perfect card for me.
We're back to back, same breed, joker and me.
Bradley, the practical joker of newspaper row.
At other people's expense.
Oh, no, you're unfair to me.
You all are.
You can't deny that you live only for a laugh.
Well, we're laughing.
Well, why not? Life is one big joke from the day you're born.
Fate gives you the unexpected hotfoot, puts a sneezing powder in your bouquet of roses and I just go along with it.
You're high, Dave.
Check.
Check.
My cards.
Oh, hiya, Pop.
How you feeling? Fine.
What's happening downstairs, Pop? I wondered about my story, Dave.
Oh, it's gonna be in the paper tomorrow.
Two column spread, Pop.
That's real nice, son.
I ain't never had any of you newspaper people to hardly ask me a question, much less write about my You got a pair, Dave.
Yeah, what'll you do? Oh, well, let's see, that's worth two bucks.
Let's make it five.
I'm out.
Say, Pop, maybe Dave's story will help you keep your job.
Huh? I didn't catch that.
Maybe Dave's story will help you keep your job! Oh, sure hope so.
Some people say that they should have retired me five years ago.
But I need this job.
My wife, she's so sick.
Four, five, I've lost count, operations, and my retirement pay is so little, I Well, thanks again, Dave.
Okay, Pop.
Table's bet.
Well, let's see.
Well, you must be thick to waste your columns on Pop Henderson.
What do you mean? It made an interesting story.
Hearts and flowers? Pop Henderson partially blind, partially deaf, totally dumb? Or Pop Henderson who has cataloged the dead for so long he feels closer to them than he does the living? Is that the way you wrote it? Okay, okay, I've had enough.
Oh, come on, Dave.
No, so long, fellas.
All right.
So long, Dave.
So long.
Well, that kind of broke up the poker game.
Yeah, I guess that's it.
Gentlemen, let's pay a visit downstairs to the morgue.
Huh? Pop Henderson, a man that gives me inspiration.
Yeah, okay.
Okay, it's cooler down there, anyway.
Come on.
Oh, hi, fellas.
Hi, Pop.
Taking a snooze, Pop? Yeah, I get kind of drowsy about this time of night.
We've come to ask you a favor.
Oh? We want to look at number six.
Oh, that's the strangulation case that come in today, ain't it? Yeah, that's the one.
We just got a tip.
Might be a real scoop, Pop.
Yeah, headline stuff.
It's that missing New York banker.
You don't say.
Him? Mmm-hmm.
What about it, Pop, can we see him? Sure, come on.
Let's see, number seven.
How about number six? Oh, of course, number six.
Yeah, here it is.
Good old number six.
Come on out.
There you are.
Oh, you've got your refrigeration working overtime, Pop.
No, it's always that cold, below freezing.
It looks like the banker.
How about it, gentlemen? Yes, yes, it certainly resembles him.
Yeah, that chin.
One in a million.
Oh, yeah, right.
It fits the description, all right.
Morgan, why don't you go along with Pop and get the folder on this gentleman? Sure.
Pop? All right, Mr.
Bradley.
Now, let's see, number seven.
No, no, number six, Pop.
Oh, of course, I know.
There it is.
There you are.
Now, wait a minute.
Let's make sure we're right, here.
No, this isn't the strangling case, this is a gunshot accident.
It is? Yeah.
My eyes are really bad.
No, this is the right one, Mr.
Morgan.
It is? You can forget about it, Pop.
But why? Bradley said to check I know.
We made a mistake.
So, you can put number six back to bed if you want, Pop.
Come on, Morgan, let's go up and play a few more hands.
Yeah, all right.
Where's Mr.
Bradley? Well, he went on home, Pop.
Oh.
Well, I'll put number six back to bed.
Okay.
Good night, Pop.
Good night.
Good night.
Where am I? I'm alive.
I'm alive.
Did you even see his face? It was No, go back to the office before the sergeant gets down here.
I'll tell you, Sarge, number six is alive.
He sat up and talked to me.
I heard him, I saw him, please You're getting so old, you're seeing things.
No, wait, wait till you get You'll see, I tell you, he's alive.
Please come with me.
All right.
All right, I'll take a look.
But I'm warning you, Pop.
You'll see when you get there.
Well, come on, show me.
There, see? Number six.
He's alive.
He's alive, ain't he? You're crazy as a coot.
He's frozen stiff and dead as a mackerel.
Come on.
See for yourself.
He's frozen, all right.
But I'll swear he sat up and talked to me just a few minutes ago when Mr.
Bradley Bradley? What about him? Mr.
Bradley was here looking at number six.
Oh, he was, was he? So help me.
I'm getting sick and tired of your inefficiency.
We'll see what the captain says about this.
Something wrong, Sergeant? Oh, you would know, would you? Would know what? Well, I thought you went home, Mr.
Bradley.
Some cut up, huh? Now, Sergeant.
The joker from Funnyville.
But what's Mr.
Bradley got to do with Don't you know when you're the patsy for the oldest gag in the police station? You mean, it was Bradley who Yeah.
In eight, not six.
Oh, I don't see so well.
Oh, now, Sergeant.
Can't you take a little joke? No, I can't! I got more important jobs to do than to chase around because of your stupid jokes.
So stop wasting my time, Bradley.
As for you, Pop.
Oh, I'm sorry, Pop.
Pop, didn't realize it would backfire.
Oh, we didn't mean to hurt you.
Shut up, Bradley.
Oh, look at the old man.
How can you laugh? Why not? It worked, didn't it? Pop, I'm sorry, I Oh, that's okay.
Listen, we'll make it up to you some way.
Yeah.
It was a dirty trick.
Oh, now, wait a minute, come back.
I hate guys that can't take a joke.
I still don't understand.
You thought it was the stiff in number six and it was me in number eight.
You see? The Sarge guessed it right away.
Express City Desk? He's right, the Sarge.
Hello, Express City Desk? Joe? This is Bradley.
Everything's quiet here.
Has the paper gone to bed? Okay, I'm leaving.
Well, am I going home? That's a joke.
What home? No, no, don't look for me until tomorrow night.
So long, Pop.
Mr.
Bradley, I may have to resign because of your joke.
Oh, no, not a chance, Pop.
Nobody wants an old man who gets all mixed up.
And if I do have to resign, what am I going to do for money for my wife and Quit complaining, Pop.
The sergeant cools off and doesn't cause me trouble, don't you ever play another joke on me.
Now, don't tell me what to do.
I wish I could have seen your face when I sat up and groaned.
You've had your joke, Mr.
Bradley.
Now leave me alone, please.
No, Pop.
You're the perfect patsy for a guy like me.
You're my little pigeon.
Pigeon.
What'll it be? A double bourbon, please.
What's the matter with all the joints tonight? This is as dead as the last three places I've been inside of.
If I'd have known you were coming, bud, I'd have hired a brass band.
That'll be 75 cents.
Pull it out of my hand and you can keep the change.
What's the gag? There's no gag.
Just pull it out of my hand.
Ouch! You see, you get it? It was made of rubber.
You're a card, you are.
Yeah, very funny, very funny.
I got to introduce you to my four-year-old kid.
Can I have 75 cents of real cash, please? I don't know what it is.
Nobody can take a joke anymore.
All right, let me have another one.
Have a drink with me, sailor.
Wait.
Just a drink, that's it.
A toast, to madam or miss, as the case may be.
Let's drink to a world where people laugh.
At your jokes? No.
Look out there! What was it? It's gone now.
It was a policeman.
So what? On horseback.
What's the matter, Millie? What is it? I I think wise guy here put some stuff in it.
Cheap gag, if I ever saw one.
You go around doing things like that a lot, huh? It's okay.
Let the joker alone.
You all right, hon? Sure.
Sure.
It was just a gag, don't you see? Yeah, I see.
It's just pepper and flavored water.
It can't hurt anyone.
Just pepper, huh? Mike, forget it.
So, it was just a gag, huh? Sure, it was just a gag.
Look, let me stand you and the lady for a drink.
How about it? I don't want no drink.
You always go around pulling jokes like that? Yeah, I guess I do.
Anything for a laugh, huh? Yup, well, that's about it.
Try this for a laugh.
That dumb jerk, he had it coming to him.
You shouldn't have hit him, Mike.
You hit him kind of hard.
No, just a gentle tap.
Loosened a couple of teeth, that's all.
Maybe now he'll think twice before he goes around insulting women.
You better look at him.
His head.
Yeah, it's twisted funny.
Well, do you think maybe He's dead! No.
His neck's broken.
Dead, what do you mean he's dead? Go look for yourself! What are we gonna do? Well, I don't know.
Better go home, Millie.
I won't leave you.
You heard me.
He's right.
No.
Look, will you take off? I'm in this as much as you are.
Okay, okay.
Besides, it was just an accident.
Yeah.
I didn't hit him hard enough to hurt him.
It was just an accident, see? Yeah, I see, but what about the cops? It's no good, Mike.
I'm in enough trouble with the cops without nobody dying in here.
There's assault and battery convictions against you already.
Yeah, it'd look bad for you.
Well, what did you expect me to do? Look, he played a dirty joke on my girl, didn't he? Yeah, but even so.
Oh, no.
Not only bad, it's no good at all.
The jerk's a reporter for the Express: Oh, a reporter.
Yeah, a reporter.
It's as bad as killing a cop.
Look, we got to get him out of here.
Yeah, yeah, but how? Dump him.
The docks? Yeah, the docks.
Sure.
We can make it look like he was mugged or plastered.
He took a bad fall.
Now look, if they trace him here, he was drunk and left when you closed the place.
You don't know from nothing.
I get it.
Well, if they don't find anything in his pockets, it'll take them a while longer to find out who he is.
You ready? I'll get the car.
Yeah, the back way.
Make it fast.
Come on, give me a hand here, will you? So you had to go and report it to the captain, huh? You bet your sweet life he did.
I'm ordering Pop to resign and that's that.
So just beat it back to the newsroom, boys, and let me alone.
Okay, Captain, I guess if Dave can write a story about Pop, I can write one about you.
What? Oh, no, Andrews.
Now wait a minute.
Let that be my pleasure.
I happen to have a lot of interesting dope about the captain.
Now, look, boys, a joke's a joke.
You know, I think my editor might go for the low-down on that arson case.
Please, fellas, please! I can see it now.
A harmless little guy works for 40 years in the morgue, until the mayor puts in his windbag of a second cousin.
But I'm his first cousin! I wonder how it will go with the voters when they read about Pop.
Election year.
Well, now, let's talk it over, fellas.
So long, Captain.
Now, Dave I'll show you the story tomorrow.
Morgan, you're a friend of mine.
Sorry, Sarge.
They're only kidding, Captain.
I don't know.
Hi, Sarge, Captain.
Did you see the story in the paper that Dave wrote about me? My wife, she was so happy about it, she Captain, what are you doing in the morgue? Did you want to see me? Yes, Pop, yes I do.
What about? I could demand your resignation after what happened yesterday, but I'm going to give you one more chance.
Thanks, Captain.
One more slip-up and you resign.
Is that clearly understood? I promise.
Come on, Sergeant.
Oh, that's a new stiff they picked up down by the docks.
Lay him on slab number eight, fellas.
From the looks of his face, he was mugged.
He was cold already when the intern got to him.
Put him to bed, make him comfortable.
They'll autopsy tomorrow.
Who is he? No identification, yet.
I'll make him comfortable.
Where am I? My neck, twisted again: It's worse than before: Can't move: It's cold: Cold in here: Freezing: Henderson.
I'm alive.
Not twice, Mr.
Bradley.
No more jokes on me.
If you've been waiting for me to play this, I'm afraid I must disappoint you.
I can't.
Of course, Alvin couldn't play, either.
He just pounded it as he sang.
Now, we bring you the greatest single argument for the return of radio, after which I shall do some returning of my own.
Well, we seem to have more time, but no more entertainment.
So we shall fill the gap with a list of names of those we hold responsible for tonight's buffoonery.
As for myself, good night until next week.