Ally Mcbeal s04e03 Episode Script

Previously on Ally McBeal: I'm really a man.
I shouldn't be hitting on you, but you're just so cute.
What can I say? I'm a man.
I gave my word I won't tell.
I'll honor that.
Mark's a friend.
It's difficult to watch him get hurt.
Why would he get hurt? The truth is, I like a girl with a secret or two.
You're gonna love me.
It all started with his smile.
I've heard that when you trace the origin of trouble more times than not it can lead to a smile.
I need you to sign there.
Sign there.
We were dotting the I's on a settlement.
The case was over and he seemed so happy.
Which is unusual for a lawyer.
If not illegal.
Can I ask you something? Sure.
You have a smile that seems to embrace life.
Either you never married or you beat cancer.
Well, I did marry, but she died.
Oh.
Of cancer.
I am so sorry.
No, it's all right.
But I will accept the compliment on my smile.
- How do you do it, really? - Do what? Smile like that.
So genuine, so like everything will be okay.
Well, I close my eyes and I say to myself aloud, but in a very low voice: "Everything's going to be okay.
" I'm not sure why but I wanted some of what he had inside him.
Then it just happened.
- Would you like to get dinner? - Sure.
I accepted my very first date with an "old" person.
I've been down this road Two's a Crowd Walking the line That's painted by pride And I have made mistakes in my life That I just can't hide Oh, I believe I am ready For what love has to bring I got myself together Yeah, now I'm ready to sing I've been searching my soul tonight I know there's so much more to life Now I know I can shine a light To find my way back home Oh, baby, yeah Oh, yeah They say that after breaking up, a woman will date anybody.
They also say that men can pick up on that.
- Sorry.
- It's okay.
Do you want to catch a movie? I'm in my 30s.
It's no big deal going out with a guy in his 50s.
What's disconcerting was getting that little intuitive pang inside that says it could be something serious.
That inner voice that screams out: Buy a new dress.
How'd she cause the breakup? Because I followed her advice.
I did everything she told me to only to have my husband walk out on me for good.
This is Wanda Spickett.
She's the one suing the doctor.
Doctor, yeah.
I doubt she's even a real doctor.
She has no business advising people how to save marriages.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- You took her seminar - More like a workshop.
"How to Satisfy Your Man.
" Every month.
She starts a new one tomorrow.
I have half a mind to go there and tell her students she's a fraud.
Okay.
And based on this doctor's advice? I did what she said.
My husband dumped me like toxic waste.
What was her advice? Basically, that the woman should make sacrifices.
We should be submissive.
You know, like Baptists.
When he comes home, greet him with slippers, a meal and fellatio.
Fellatio! You know what my husband said? He said getting oral sex from me was like walking on a high wire.
Either way, you don't want to look down.
- This woman is my doctor.
I think - Whoa, whoa.
Are you sure he didn't leave you for being unattractive? It was the putrid advice I got from that guru.
I want to sue her.
How long have you known me? - Seven, eight years? - About.
In that time, have you known me to be morally conflicted? - Never.
- So you'll understand how I need your help here.
- What? Well, Mark.
I like Mark, as I'm sure you do.
I want him to be happy.
He's dating a woman.
She's got so many nice qualities, but one of them is a penis.
Ally? - Are you there? - Did you say that she has a penis? Yes.
That's not my problem.
It's certainly his.
My conflict is, should I tell? I learned this through a privilege, even though it extends to the firm she forbade me from telling him.
He's falling in love with her.
Don't I have a duty? Shouldn't I slip him a note? Something? - The woman Mark is dating has a penis? - Yes.
It's not right.
Ordinarily, Mark would win the contest for having the worst problem.
Even though he has yet to discover it.
But these aren't ordinary times.
There must be some mistake.
This is your table, sir.
As soon as you meet one man they all come out.
- He's perfect.
- Do you have another? I'm on a date, so I can't have him.
We have a table in the back.
This way.
Sorry to disturb you.
It's okay.
This is the thing about dating somebody older: Young beautiful things get dangled in front of you.
Ally.
I'm sorry I'm late.
- It's okay.
- I was in court in front of Judge Swackheim who threatened us with contempt if we didn't complete our pretrial memos.
It's an environmental pro bono case, and it's killing me.
- The environment is your client? - Funny.
It is a nonprofit organization and I'm a softy for clean air.
I've been so wanting to meet a guy who's not all about money.
- Could we have a bottle of Cristal? Right away.
And who's got plenty of it.
The truth is, the conversation struggled for a while.
We both loved movies, but different ones.
We both liked sports, but different ones.
We both were afraid of George Bush, but different ones.
It wasn't until the end of the dinner that we connected on a common interest.
One thing that we were both passionate about.
The one thing that can truly alter a person's life: Disco.
For a single guy in the '70s, disco was a way to meet women.
For a little girl in her preteens the outfits made for the best Halloween costumes.
Can I steal you a second? It's important.
Okay.
Oh, let's go 'round, yeah And we're suing the guru for causing the breakup.
- Sounds like a tough case to me.
- Yeah, it is.
It so happens she's starting another workshop tomorrow.
I want you to enroll.
What? We need an inside peek at this seminar.
- The things she teaches.
- Why don't you enroll? If I show up saying it's hard for me to hold on to a man don't you think she'd be a tad suspicious? Let me put it another way.
I'm the attorney.
I can't also be a potential witness.
Look, all you have to do is go and listen and take notes.
Please? All right.
Thank you.
Who's that old thing with Ally? It started with disco.
But as the night went on, we could suddenly talk about everything.
I really started to believe that a 30-year-old woman has more in common with a Of course, it still seemed like hard bodies were now everywhere.
Though it was probably my imagination.
I only started dating a year ago.
After nine years of being single? The kids have only been out of the house for five.
Plus, you know how terrifying dating can be? Uh, no.
Tell me about it.
Not to mention painful.
When you're younger, at the end of the day you have all this energy.
When you get older and tired Older, you know, has its advantages, if you ask me.
Younger guys, they They only want one thing.
You know what? As a man who used to be younger, I take offense to that.
I just keep thinking about your smile.
I don't know why a smile should fascinate me.
Maybe because I don't remember how.
Well, you know, most lawyers hate what they do, Ally.
People generally feel what they do is what they are.
It naturally follows that they end up hating themselves.
I get up in the morning, I watch what I eat and I watch what I do.
It was one of those almost-perfect fall nights.
I should've known I was in for something unexpected.
Speaking of which Isn't good for you Mark.
Yeah? And this boy won't be happy I'm You're such a great guy.
I just want you to know that.
- You seem scared.
- No, I'm apprehensive, maybe.
I've just had some relationships end abruptly.
I'm not going anywhere.
Promise? I promise.
Richard.
It's not right.
You will keep your mouth quiet.
That boy won't be happy Aren't you afraid of a heart attack? He's in good shape.
Mid-50s is not that old.
- Who are you kidding? He's a fossil.
- I like older men.
It's not until their peter peters that you can have a conversation.
- He's not fat, is he? - An old guy had a heart attack on me.
It was awful.
I thought I was really good.
Who knew he was dying? Can you imagine dying that way? Naked, your thingy all out and messy.
Yuck.
He's in good health.
And I haven't even kissed him, by the way.
These slumber parties have cheered me up enough.
We don't need to keep having them.
I have to get going.
My classes start today.
"How to Satisfy a Man.
" Enrollees can bring guests for the first class.
You might as well come.
- What is this? It's for a case.
An alleged doctor's teaching a course on keeping a man happy.
How about how to keep a man, period.
Speak for yourself.
That's right.
You have your Richard.
Tell me, Ling.
What's your secret? I have my secrets, thank you very much.
Oh, please.
- I do.
- Oh, well, then tell us, Ling! - Please? Give us poor, poor girls - Oh, do tell.
There's no general rules which is why I have a problem with this doctor's seminar.
Every trick is man-specific.
With Richard I won't tell you.
- Come on! - You have to! All right.
Between us.
Never leaves this room.
I take a little adhesive.
I tape 100-dollar bills to my privates, wear them all day long.
Nighttime, I get into bed.
I'm beautiful, naked smell like money.
It drives him wild.
Oh, wow.
Mark.
Hey.
- How's it going? - Fine.
Great.
So You and Cindy? Thing's going okay there? Why are you taking such interest in my relationship with Cindy? To be completely honest, which you know I'm not comfortable being Cindy You want her for yourself? Richard.
Are you okay? Fine, fine, fine.
No, it's just the thought of something wrong going down the windpipe.
The thing is, I feel you met Cindy as a result of me.
And as Cupid, you know, it was my arrow that kind of Mark, Cindy? She has an arrow.
What are you talking about? Ally? Wait? Excuse me.
Have you given any more thought to my conflict? - I don't think you should tell him.
- He's falling in love with her.
Maybe he'll be open-minded.
Guys can be more accepting than you know when it comes to women they love.
Have you ever known one to accept a penis? - Richard - John, John.
- I need your input.
- Richard! No, up till now I've been asking women.
I want to consult with a man.
This is an absolute secret.
You cannot repeat it.
I need your advice.
This came close to keeping me awake last night.
- Richard! - No.
- Cindy.
You've seen her, right? - Quite fetching.
Cindy has a secret which I know and Mark doesn't.
The issue is, do I tell? - Is it material? - Extremely.
She has a penis.
I think all men are homophobes.
The bigots consider gayness a disease the more enlightened ones don't.
Because they're afraid of catching it.
Sorry.
No, no, that was my fault.
I was You were the one at my table last night.
Oh, that was your table? Then why didn't you sit down? Well, no.
There was a mix-up.
Are you eating there again? No.
I'm gonna go upstairs to an office.
It's nice to see you again.
You too.
Excuse me? I'm sorry, but I kind of believe in fate.
The combination of fate and no wedding ring on your finger Would you like dinner? I don't juggle.
It's what I despise most about dating.
I'd love to.
- I'm Jonathan.
- Ally McBeal.
I work at Cage and Fish.
You can call me there.
A lawyer? Great.
- You have something against lawyers? - Everything.
I am one.
Ah.
We can spend dinner overcoming negative first impressions.
Yeah.
I spent lunch pretending to listen to Michael while I was really thinking about Jonathan.
I have this really weird habit.
Whenever I think about sex, I use my napkin a lot.
Maybe because it's messy.
I wasn't less interested in Michael.
I liked them both.
I hope he's talking about something I should smile about.
Men try to be funny on dates, so every minute and a half I just take a shot and laugh a little.
I can still smell Jonathan.
So she said goodbye to the family and she passed away.
That's cute.
The thing about men? They start life nursing from their mothers.
As little boys, they're pampered.
It's that pampering they still crave, even as adults.
Should we write this down? - I'm taping it.
- Shh.
In the work place, that may be true.
But in the home, we have never had a higher rate of failure.
That's because women today want careers.
And even the women who don't work want autonomy.
What the man wants at home is a support system.
Men get beaten up out there by their bosses, competitors, colleagues.
They have wounds, inside and out.
When he opens the door, Says, "I'm home" Be aware of the look in his eyes They tell you the mood he's in What kind of day it's been For the love of him Make him your reason for living Give all the love you can give him All the love you can Little things he forgets to do Have you told him today, "I love you" When he reaches out, be there Show him that someone cares Everybody! For the love of him Make him your reason for living Give all the love you can give him All the love you can Thank you.
So you're seeing two guys at the same time? What makes you think they're not? It's just I kind of told Michael before that I wasn't seeing anybody else.
So what? Dating is not a truthful business.
- It isn't? - Of course not.
You put on makeup so they don't see what you really look like.
You laugh at each other's jokes, even if they're not funny.
No, dating is about presenting a person you think he wants to see.
No girl ever lets a guy know who and what she really is.
- Am I wrong? - No, I suppose you're not.
Start telling the truth on a first date, or you'll never get a second.
I've told some guys I'm still a virgin.
And they believe it too.
They want to.
Some guys I've told that I've never even seen a peppermint stick.
- You ever try that? - Oh, that is very funny.
So everybody knows! What's up with her? Excuse me.
What'd I say? Cindy! Oh, excuse me.
Can I talk to you? - Thank you.
I'm really - Everybody doesn't know.
My friend, Renee, she had no idea what she was saying in there.
Obviously you know.
Yes.
That's because everybody runs to me with their problems because I have a conscience.
Can I talk to you in private? - Richard told me - I don't believe this! - He's so unethical.
- Exactly.
He can't deal with an ethical problem.
He thinks that moral fiber comes in a breakfast cereal.
He was completely ill-equipped to handle this, so he came to me.
What did you tell him? That he shouldn't tell Mark.
But I think you should.
I didn't ask you what you think, Ms.
McBeal.
Forgive me, but public opinion has never been a big influence in my life.
He's in love with you.
Did he tell you that? He didn't have to.
We can all see it.
Taking you to the same restaurant isn't good.
It's in his office building.
I think he's trying to show me off.
And what about Jonathan? Drinks Wednesday night, so keep Thursday morning clear.
- Ally, hello? Today is Wednesday.
- What? - It has been ever since this morning.
- Today is Oh, God.
You're double booked.
I love it.
I can't cancel a first date.
You can't blow a guy off a half-hour before dinner, either.
You're cooked.
Wait.
There's no reason why I can't do both.
Dinner is over by 8, and I'm meeting Jonathan at 9.
It's doable.
But are you doable? Twice in one night? It is just dinner and just drinks.
Sorry to put a damper on your vicarious life.
- I'm sorry, Ally.
- Mark.
Mark, is everything okay? Yeah.
Sure.
- What's the matter? - Nothing.
Mark.
I think I'm getting dumped.
- Why? - Cindy wants to talk about something.
It sounded a little ominous.
I think I'm toast.
Oh.
Well, don't jump to conclusions.
Just hear what she has to say.
I can guess what she has to say.
She seemed distant at lunch.
There might be circumcisions that you don't know about.
Circumstances.
Just see what the night brings.
- This is so beyond bogus.
- Just let me handle it.
If I believed you could handle it, I wouldn't have insisted on coming.
- We're in the conference room.
- Oh, this is ridiculous.
Six o'clock.
Is this when old people usually eat? I have an 8:00 meeting, thank you.
I was desperate to sandwich you in.
That is a sandwich I would like.
I'm thinking about sex with him now.
Is this our second or third date? - Do lunches count? - Why? I don't know.
Just asking.
Have you lied to me yet? I can't believe that came out of my mouth.
I beg your pardon? People kind of lie a little on early dates.
I've been told.
Have you? Actually yes.
- Your wife isn't really dead.
- Oh, no.
She is dead.
I can't believe I'm saying these things.
I'm so sorry.
That is That is so inappropriate.
The fact that you told me that you lied it threw me.
What was the lie? Okay.
The truth is I hate disco.
When I first heard it, it made me want to vomit.
Last night, I was nauseous.
Oh.
Well, that's okay.
So you're probably into what? Perry Como? Perry was just a stage with me.
Who's your favorite band? - Oh, never mind.
- Why? You'll just laugh.
- No, I won't laugh.
- Never mind.
I won't laugh.
Tell me.
Okay.
Neil Diamond.
Oh, he's Neil.
He's nice.
No.
People forget how fantastic his songs were.
In college, I was in a band and every time I would play Neil I would have the room eating out of my hand.
You were in a band? Keyboards.
Oh, well they have a piano here.
Sorry? Go play me something from Neil Diamond.
I never put down the working woman.
Do I look like the welfare blob? I'm all for women of power, women of strength, women of substance.
What I said was, men don't want it.
And they don't.
Did you not, as a doctor, counsel these women to be subordinate? Did you not, as a doctor, advise them never to get upset or complicate his day? I counsel them to have dinner ready to keep the carpet clean and, should you feel like blowing your top, blow his instead.
Is it sacrificing? Yes.
That's what the course was about.
Why? Because that's what men want.
And if you want somebody to sue, sue society.
The moment I became a pushover, like you said, he walked out.
Honey, I don't know you personally but at first blush, I am picking up on so many things to dislike.
What you need to do is go out and find a fat guy with no teeth.
The man with no other choices, he is your demographic.
Oh, we will go forward with this lawsuit, Ms.
Grouper.
Ooh! More threats from the Pokemon.
If this goes to trial, everything about her becomes relevant.
Including why her husband left her.
My bet would be he got his eyesight back.
Sue away! I'd love for this to go to a jury.
You know why? I'm lovable.
Hey.
Cindy.
Hey.
- How are you? - I'm fine.
How are you? A little freaked, actually.
- On the phone, you said - Yeah.
What's the matter? Tell me.
Actually, I Let's go out and have a good time.
Cindy No, I want to have a nice dinner and go out dancing.
And we can talk later.
Please? Sure.
Sweet Caroline Good times never seemed so good Whoa, whoa, I'd be inclined To believe they never would Oh, yeah Sweet Caroline There was something about him.
I could tell he lives for the right reason and loves for the right reason.
As I listened, the whole world shrank to the size of the room.
There was only one thing that stopped me from walking up and asking him to marry me: I had another date.
Mr.
Big Stuff Who do you think you are? Mr.
Big Stuff And this guy was great too.
I'd look at Jonathan and think: "It'd be nice to forge through the years figuring out life together.
" And then I'd think, "Michael.
Wow.
" He's done all the work and can give me the answers.
Do you think I can afford To give you my love? Hello.
My roommate.
She lives to torture me.
- You know this woman? - Like a sister.
Think you might send her away? Mr.
Big Stuff You're never gonna get my love Now I know all the girls I've seen you with - I ordered a private performance.
- Nice.
I pull out all the stops.
Mr.
Big Stuff Who do you think you are? - What's wrong? - Nothing.
Cindy? Whatever it is, just tell me.
No, this is not the time or the place.
Well, it's making me a little crazy.
How about a clue? Hold me close.
Closer.
You haven't learned Mr.
Big Stuff, tell me Surprise.
You're never gonna make me cry Mr.
Big Stuff, tell me So you knew? She told me in confidence.
Made me promise not to tell.
I tried to give you a hint.
Everything about him Her was so perfect.
You know, these things happen, Mark.
What do you mean? "These things happen"? My girlfriend has a penis! These things don't happen! Can I just say one thing? It's not easy finding a person to love in this world, Mark.
And whoever you end up with, she won't be perfect.
Cindy is beautiful.
When people see you with her, they're more impressed with you.
I'm saying don't dump her.
Use her as bait to attract other beautiful women.
Ones without meat whistles.
Well, nobody loves a sage.
I don't know why you have to talk to him.
As horrible as this woman is, she's pretty on target.
- Lf you insist on going forward - I do.
We have to at least explore your ex-husband's reasons for leaving you.
- Jonathan is here.
- What? He just went to the unisex.
He brought you these.
- Wow! - Wow is right.
There's three decent guys in this town.
You've got two.
Mark's got the other.
That's real funny, Elaine.
He took it hard.
Ally.
Michael.
What a surprise.
Well, I was in the neighborhood Actually, I wasn't.
That was a lie too.
I just came to see you.
Nice flowers.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Thanks.
Can you excuse me for one second? Keep Jonathan in the bathroom.
- How? Use your imagination.
Keep him there until I get rid of Michael.
Well So Well, what a shock Surprise.
Would you have dinner again with me tonight? You came here just to ask me that? Oh.
Hello.
I'm Elaine.
Yes, we just met two seconds ago.
Oh, right.
Before you go we are conducting a poll on people's feelings about the unisex.
Maybe I can ask you a few questions? Maybe some other time.
Your family? My kids.
There's only two.
It shouldn't be too bad.
I really want you to meet them.
Wow, that's kind of a big deal.
I I know.
Get off me! - Sure.
Great.
That'd be great.
Why don't you call me later and tell me what time.
So I'll see you tonight.
Here you go.
I'll see you later tonight.
Bye.
Get off of me! Elaine! No! Bad girl! Bad! Go to my office! No! - She's a guard secretary.
- She's crazy.
I just don't have the heart to fire her.
Well, I didn't mean to interrupt your day.
I can't stop thinking about you.
You've been on my top two thoughts as well.
Sorry? It's a little joke.
Nothing.
You are so beautiful.
Do you know that? Well, thank you.
Can I see you tonight? Tonight's tough.
Tomorrow? Great.
Great.
I'll call.
Okay.
Bye.
You are headed for trouble.
Give me one.
And she says it's when she became more submissive that you left her.
It wasn't exactly that.
Can you tell us what it was? I'm not comfortable.
Mr.
Spickett, I know this is difficult.
For your wife to prevail in this we have to show your split was connected to this course.
I'm a weak man, Ms.
Porter.
I stopped loving Wanda a long time ago, but I was afraid to leave her.
Mainly because I was afraid of her a little.
I stayed with her for six years because I didn't have the guts to confront her.
When she became, I don't know, weak herself on the advice of the doctor I got the nerve to tell her what I thought.
I didn't want to live with her.
You stayed with this woman six years after you stopped loving her because you didn't want unpleasantness? Well, I don't think I truly knew I was doing that.
But yes.
- Okay.
You can go.
I didn't tell her I never loved her.
I'd appreciate you not telling her.
Well, I guess there was cause and effect.
Had she not taken the advice, they might still be together.
We'll just stand in front of a jury and say: "He never loved her.
Blame the doctor.
" Well? What'd he say? Wanda, you might have a case but it's just too tough to make.
You should drop it.
After what she did to me? How can I? Well, you see, the thing is it really encroaches into divorce law.
And this is a no-fault state.
Our legal recommendation is for you to just walk away from this.
If we go to court, you'll just get more hurt.
Just let it go, Wanda.
Sorry I ran off.
I always do that when a girl seems too happy to see me.
Ha-ha.
Look, I am sorry.
I could have handled it better.
Your reaction was normal.
Trust me.
If you're here to apologize, apology accepted.
I came here for that, but Do you have plans tonight? What are you saying? What I'm saying is I've been thinking about this all day.
And as hard as I try I can't see you as anything other than a woman.
A woman I want to continue to see.
I don't know why I feel like crying right now, but I do.
We've been encouraging Daddy to date.
I'm so glad he met somebody.
My God.
His daughter is older than me.
Well, I'm glad to have met him.
If this works, I could call you "Mom.
" Only once.
Because I'd kill you.
Let's not get ahead of ourselves, Andrea.
If you're introducing her to us, that means it could be serious.
Ah! Here's your brother.
Ally, my son, Jonathan.
Hi.
I never got his last name.
Hi.
I think we've met.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think we have.
You stinker!