Archer s04e03 Episode Script

Okay, okay, you got it, you got it, you -- Good morning, floor.
Good morning asshole smoke alarm! And good morning, medical bills.
Oh, and your friend, crippling debt.
No no no no no no! Good morning, bittersweet memories.
Good morning, bag of the unspeakable.
And good morning to you, Archer The other shitbag in my life! It's broken? - Huh?! - The elevator's broken? - Huh?! - The elevator.
- Huh?! - The elevator! Outta order.
I can see that! Why the hell did you ask? You're late.
I -- Jesus, sweat much? The elevator's broken -- No shit.
-- and once again, you parked that ridiculous car in my space! Well, A, the El Camino is not a car -- Truck, whatever! Nor is it a truck, it's a-- Vehicular hermaphrodite.
Shut up, and B wait, what was B? I dunno, we'll say B was "shut up.
" And are we done here? I need to go not pack some shoes, since I'm gonna buy about ten pairs when we get there.
Get where? Roooome! What?! Not for the Morelli thing! I planned that entire operation! - Yes, and you did excellent legwork - But now it requires literal legwork, Ray, like walking, and maybe running.
Although hopefully not running, because I'll be in brand-new shoes.
That is so unfair! Not as unfair as how laid I'm gonna get.
Ciao, bella, ho scarpe nuove! Sorry, honey.
Yeah, we'll bring you a present.
Oh, blow me.
Why? You couldn't feel it! What.
- Nothing, I'm just curious - A bag.
I piss and shit in a plastic bag.
Me too! But actually, I was wondering if you'd like to walk again.
No, Krieger, because this way I never have to buy new shoes! Yeah, but is that worth it? Robot legs.
No, this has nothing to do with robotics! I'm talking about bionics! From the Greek for like kickass! Is there a Greek word for "insane"? Yes! I mean I assume there is, but -- If you think I'm gonna let you turn me into some cyborg zombie like Katya -- Whoa whoa whoa whoa, no! "Zombie" implies I raised her from the dead.
Oh, then I'm using it correctly.
No, you're not.
For one thing, Katya wasn't completely dead.
Just pretty dead? - So pretty - Hello? Hm? Oh, so, nothing a few hundred thousand volts couldn't cure.
The human body's basically a potato clock.
So, it's gonna look like I'm leaving? But that's only because I'm leaving.
Why won't you let me help you?! Besides the fact you'll probably kill me?! Yes! Because it's wrong! And I may have wandered pretty far from the church, but I do still believe there are some things that only God should do! Like give you an erection?! I'm assuming you mean "give me the ability to have an erection"? Also, yes.
No! Yes, Lana! We don't need a -- Rocket launcher, si, molto pronto! Mmmmmmmneeww, not on the pre-approved list of equipment for this mission.
The what? The -- I heard you! Why'd you ask? Pre-approved by whom?! Oh, now you're on my side.
Shut up.
Common enemy.
That's how Lana and I started dating.
Shut up.
Pre-approved, by whom.
Ms.
Archer.
Wh-? She doesn't know what we need! The last time she was in the field they were still using muskets! - Really? - Seriously? No? Look dipshit, my mother obviously doesn't know about this stuff, so -- So she goes by my personal, professional recommendations.
I'm gonna need you to repeat that.
I said -- No no, shh, after I come back there and pull your tongue out through your -- Asshole.
- Ew.
- Ew.
You'd need a bulldozer made of acid to get in here.
Ooh, or Spacebot! And if you continue to behave threateningly-- You haven't seen threateningly.
You'll need one to get out of there.
Remember Spacebot? Guys? And so, a small power unit goes here, on your uh, spiny thing, which sends electrical impulses to your muscles and ligaments and stuff, which I will fuse to a vanadium alloy endoskeleton, replacing your current, um, legbones.
I have to say it kind of worries me you don't know the names of the actual bones.
Who cares? Zrrp, they're in the dumpster.
Ew.
Wait, then all I need is the power unit, not a bunch of vanadium bones! Yeah, but they're awesome.
But if you don't put everything back where it's supposed to go I've already done it twice! There you go, Conway.
Plus when I'm taking out the old bones I take tons of pictures with my phone.
Oh, well then what could go wrong? Seriously? Sarcastically.
Oh.
Because you could die.
I realize that.
- And I'll, ya know, sign a release form or whatever - Oh, that's not necessary.
Really? No, I mean if, God forbid, the worst happens there's lots of dumpsters.
Jesus.
Sure, if he helps.
Whew, okay, so when do we do this? Well, you should already be feeling the effects of the anesthetic The God damn it, Krieger! So whenever my assistants get here.
What's up, spaghetti-legs? Wait a minute! Yeah, where's Carol? Gettin' that list of shit you wanted.
Thank you! Seriously! What am I, hourly?! - Are you not? - I don't know! Move.
Oh, and when I'm through talking to Malory? I wouldn't be surprised if you find yourself out of a job.
I would.
Burn.
Cyril?! Is it Halloween already? I don't know! Then why are you dressed like that? Because, duh, I'm helping Krieger turn Ray into a stupid cyborg.
A what?! But I guess some cyborgs are smart What are you talking about?! Well, you gotta be pretty smart to fool the ol' Voight-Kampff machine.
In Krieger's lab?! Anywhere, duh, it's portable.
No no no no no! Uh, yes it is.
Yo, Magnum P.
U.
I need a lead-acid battery, fifty units of plasma, some bolt cutters, and something called a -- Defrimbulator? That's a made-up word.
They're all made up.
Mind! Blown! - Yeah, what could go wrong - Ray's gonna be a cyborg over my dead body! Or preferably his! But somebody's! What could possibly, go, wrrngzzzzzz.
Hey, should I wash my hands? I didn't.
Krieger! Krieger! Krieger open this goddamn door! Krieger I am gonna count to one! Oh that's right, he hates robots! For the -- this! Is a robot! Gillette is a human being! But he won't be for long if you don't clamp that artery! One! Brett? What in the hell? Were those gunshots?! Oh, who knows with these people, it's one calamity after another.
That's, yes, exactly, that's why you need a nice long relaxing cruise! But I really really really really really don't think I'll enjoy it.
Sure you will.
Brett?! Archer! What the shit are you doing?! Um, investigating a ballistic anomaly.
C'mon, walk and talk.
I don't even think he's on this floor, but idiot Brett still managed to get shot.
Yeah, he's the idiot.
Right? You idiot! If I hadn't checked the time at that exact second I'd be dead right now! Which reminds me, Grover Cleveland called, he wants his watch back.
Archer -- He left two non-consecutive messages.
This was my grandfather's, you ass! I'll buy you another one! Now how were you holding it, like, exactly! I -- I dunno, like this I guess - Okay, sooooo Boom.
C'mon, this is awesome, it's like we're the Warren Commission.
Look look look, check it out! It's a real magic bullet! Why the hell were you shooting at Krieger's door in the first place? Oh shit, right! Brett, this might be some kind of record! So if you can move, don't! I gotta go stop him! Stop who?! Whom! Archer! Krieger! He's making a gay terminator! Aaaaand yep.
Officially confused.
Yeah, did he mean a terminator of gays? Because Krieger's creepy and weird, but he's not homophobic, I don't think, so he must've meant well, no, aren't terminators asexual? - Not when I'm done with him - C'mon, how's that even supposed to -- fit inside another human being? Oh.
That shouldn't be doing that.
There we go.
No no no, do it again, do it again, do it a -- This man is barely clinging to life, woman! Get a hold of yourself! Sorry.
And then get a hold of your goddamn beer can! - Sorry.
Jeez Ehh - Blood pressure? I'll be honest, it's not great.
Wh-? I'm talking about his! Me too.
Since when? Since the the new intelligence, Mother, from Ray, about the mission! That says you need a rocket launcher? Yes! Can I -- No.
-- just sort of interject here, Malory, this is exactly - what I'm talking about, with the stress - Ron? Seriously, Ron, why aren't you at work? Because I spent thirty years building the business so I don't have to be! Because I hired good managers! Walk into any one of my six dealerships -- Not six Next year it'll be seven, sport, we just broke ground in White Plains.
That's actually fairly impressive.
You have no idea.
With that city council? Ron this isn't a car dealership, it's -- The same principle! You build it, hire people you trust to manage it -- Ha! Yeah, ha.
-- and then you collect the fruits of their labor! Because don't, please, don't take this the wrong way, babe - but you're not getting any younger.
You said a rocket launcher? I did.
I did say a rocket launcher.
Then give this to whosits.
I will.
I will give this to whosits.
And call me if you ever wanna test drive the new Coupe de Ville.
- Well, I just got a new El Camino - Oh, so you're all set.
That'll hold way more Hispanics and lawnmowers.
Wow.
I know! That's why I can never stay mad at him! Right? Wait, why were you mad? Because I think Krieger's doing some kinda bionic shit to Ray's legs! And Archer, obviously -- Would rather see Ray dead! Jeezy P, I mean, besides Barry and Katya, what is his deal with robots? Servant, call an ambulance.
Yessir, right away sir! An ambulance?! He needs emergency surgery.
And even then, it'll be a miracle if we can save his testicles.
But what could have caused this?! Mumps? Or who knows.
The important thing is, what are you doing tonight? I -- oh! Well, I said I might meet some people at this thing downtown, but it sounded like it'll be pretty heavy on Negroes and jazz, so -- I happen to love Negroes and jazz.
Oh! Well then I'll just get my coat.
And I'll wait here? For the ambulance to take your grievously wounded child to the hospital for emergency surgery? Yes, Woodhouse, and then you can go buy some wax for your cross.
Krieger? Oh my God I'm a little busy right now! Yeah I know, are you cyborging Ray? No? Look, I think it's great if you are -- Then yes! But I think Archer's gonna try to stop you! He's kinda freaking out! Let him! That door came off the Graf Spee! To get in here he'd need -- One RPG-7 launcher and two grenades.
As per the note from your mother.
Thank you, uh, sorry, what was your name again? Rodney.
Thank you, asshole.
What in the? Why aren't you people on the way to the airport? We may have sort of a, uh, situation.
And what sort would that be?! - This is what I'm talking about - Ron! If you keep it up, this headache you gave me is going to last for the next three to five nights.
Look, don't worry, I can handle it.
But -- Let her handle it! She seems capable.
Hey, thanks.
Reminds me of the head mechanic at my dealership in Yonkers.
He's a black.
Wow.
I know, and head mechanic! Now c'mon, babe, let these people do whatever it is you pay them to do, and let's go start our weekend.
Alright, but don't miss that flight.
God knows how long it takes to check in with a rocket launcher.
Oh, shit! Well calling the airport's not gonna help.
Oh, and one last thing, Rodney, when I get back from Rome, you're -- Hang on oooooone second.
Armory.
Hey will you bring me a present? No.
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
Ooookay.
You were saying? I shit.
Something about an asskicking with handmade Italian shoes? Well, think about it, you've got time.
What do you think you're doing? What do you think you're doing?! Obtaining armory materiel under false pretenses is a fireable offense! Oh my -- I basically just lurch from one fireable offense to the next! Ugh, like the infamous "Luau Incident.
" Jesus Christ, how many times do I have to apologize for that?! Once would be nice! No.
Rodney open this door.
Give me that weapon.
Oh.
You mean this rocket launcher? Because I bet it would open the door.
No, that is inadvisable at this time.
Ya know, if I asked it nicely.
I seriously wouldn't do that.
Yeah, because you're not awesome.
Oh, and what fresh hell is this?! Whatever it is, they can handle it! They can't even handle a simple luau! - My God, what they did to that pigBrett?! - Heeelp - Nghhh - Great, now I get to slog my new Delmans through a lake of blood.
I want that all cleaned up before Monday, mister! Do you hear me?! No Because that room is blast-proof! Mawp.
Maaaawp.
Mawp.
What the shit was that?! Hopefully the last remaining shred of Archer's eardrums.
That crazy son of a -- come on! Why is your instinctive response to run toward explosions?! Mmm because I'm not a giant pussy? Although, somehow, incredibly single.
Wh-?! I go on tons of dates! With who?! Men! Men models! Men who model! -- permanent damage to my earballs because you're too chickenshit to take your candy-ass to the future and smash the defense grid so Skynet -- Whoa whoa whoa! Not cool, man! That is not at all cool! Rodney you mind your own dicky beeswax! You got another one in ya? Ew.
I don't -- Tease.
-- and I'm sorry for that one -- Don't be.
-- because I'm just gonna say it, I think it's suuuper creepy you get sexually aroused by physical violence.
Well but also emotional violence.
Wow.
Yeah.
That's even creepier.
So are you gonna open the damn door? As soon as you give me that weapon.
Wh-? Do you honestly wanna live through the rise of the machines?! Which you won't, because no one will?! I -- It was rhetorical! So now if you'll excuse me I have an entire human race to save.
What is he hey that's ISIS property! What this? Yes.
Take me with you! Shut up! Ooh, yeah, even that little bit's enough to get the engine revved up.
So Rodneeeeeey Tease! - Jeezy Petes - Cyril what're you doing right now? I -- Helping me find Archer, where is he?! Super.
Are you calling the airport again? Cyril shut your goddamn mouth! Hey, guess what's not a good time? Wait, where?! - Gotta be somewhere in there - Not you! And did you count right?! What, to five? Dicknuts? Krieger! Look, you gotta keep him away from the lab! We're almost done, if somebody can find their last beer! I can promise it ain't my last.
- I mean, I doubt he can find it - God damn it.
I told 'em, I said -- Maps! All through the HVAC ducts! Or just at the, whatever, junctions.
I won't even waste however much dryerase it'll take to write that down.
No, Mother, because you were too busy wasting it on "Fourth of Ju-Luau!" But still, see if you can flush him out.
I'd hate to use the nerve gas.
Do not! Use the nerve gas! - And yet incredibly single - How the hell do we flush him out? - Uh, duh - Huh?! I said, how hot can you make it? - No no no It's already happening - Holy shit, already? Yeah, I actually feel pretty good.
How is that possible? It's a proprietary blend.
And barring some sort of massive infection -- Don't look at me, found number six! You should be up and around by Monday.
Well then can I go home? Cause it's hot as balls up in here.
The thermostat's becoming sentient! Oh God! That's how Maximum Overdrive started! - Well I'd be lying if I said I cared Wh-? Malory, Ray can walk again! Buh-duh-buh-baaaaa! You mean mince? - Ya know - Maybe he can mince to the bank and apply for a twelve thousand dollar loan for a new furnace! Why did you idiots leave it on ninety all weekend?! Your clothes.
Give them to me.
Aaagh! I'm kidding, obviously, I wouldn't be caught dead in a sweater vest.
- Now, if you'll excuse me - Just like Fourth of Ju-Luau Yeah, if you slid a pig under him.