Bewitched (1964) s04e03 Episode Script

That should give you an idea how we handle the Chef Romani products in our European market.
Now we come to invade the American market.
This is one invasion we Americans will surrender to without a fight.
With the proper propaganda.
- We prefer to call it commercials.
- Of course.
Mr.
Arcarius, I pride myself on being an average American and the average American eats Italian food once a week.
- I sometimes eat it twice.
- Good boy.
Now, I'm certain we here at McMann & Tate have the personnel the imagination I am aware of your reputation, Mr.
Tate.
But there is something more important.
Mr.
Romani's impression of you will be based not so much on campaigns as on personality.
Now, it might be a nice little touch of diplomacy if one of you had a smattering of Italian.
No problem.
Darrin is fluent in the tongue.
Well, I wouldn't exactly say fluent.
I have a smattering of fluency.
- He speaks French too.
- Oh, marvellous.
It's been a splendid meeting, gentlemen.
I am very encouraged and certain we will do business together.
- Good.
- I will keep in touch.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
He speaks German too.
Bye-bye.
How was that for fancy footwork, huh? You put your fancy foot in my mouth.
I don't know a word of Italian.
So for $500,000 in billings, you'll learn.
I don't have a facility for languages.
In college I was a D student.
How hard can it be if every little kid in Italy can speak it? Don't be funny.
Okay.
Let me put it this way.
You understand English? Yes.
Then listen very carefully to Great White Father.
He speak softly but carry big stick.
Chef Romani, he big account.
So you learn to speak simple Italian or find other job.
So I accepted the challenge.
At first I was mad.
But then I asked myself, "Who am I mad at? Larry?" No.
I was mad at myself for being afraid to accept the challenge.
So I went over to the World Wide School of Languages and bought these albums.
- Sweetheart, I'm very proud of you.
Thank you.
It's just a matter of concentration, right? Right.
But you didn't have to buy records.
I speak a little Italian.
- Perhaps l - Yeah.
I know, I know.
I'd rather do it by myself.
Now, if you'll go, I have to get to work.
- Go.
Go.
- Okay.
Hello.
My name Alfonso Martinelli.
I am your teacher.
- What is your name? - Darrin Stephens.
Now say it in Italian.
Dino Stevanso? In Italian you say: "Lo sono il signor blank, blank.
" Io sono il signor blank, blank.
You see how easy? Easy for you, difficult for me.
You meet beautiful girl in café and you wish to become acquainted.
Which means, "You have a body made for love.
" Repeat after me.
Again.
Twice is enough.
If she does not respond, find another table.
What kind of a record is that? "Simple phrases for the American bachelor in Italy.
" Oh, for heaven's sake.
Darling, you and I can go to the opera at La Scala and weekends we can motor down to Venice.
Prince Pepe will put us up at the pink palazzo.
And afternoons, we can go to the American bar.
We can We can just stop dreaming.
What's-his-name will never learn the language.
And you'll be stuck here in this stultifying suburb for the rest of your unnatural life.
Mother, in the first place, I do not like the opera or Prince Pepe.
In the second place, what's-his-name's name is Darrin.
In the third place, I read "stultifying suburb" as home sweet home.
And in the fourth place l'll bet Darrin does learn Italian.
That would be nice.
That would be very nice.
That way, if you ever do make a trip to Europe dum-dum wouldn't be a source of embarrassment.
- Mother, dear? - Yes? Butt out.
Of course.
Good.
Now you will count, please.
Time.
If you counted to 10, you are a superior student.
To seven, you are average, and to five, stupido.
You really know how to hurt a guy.
Now I will test you on the months of the year which we had in the beginning of the record.
Begin, please.
January.
February.
Forget February.
March.
April I wish he might, I wish he may Speak lik e an Italian At the break of day Hey, how about that? Now we'll review the conjugation of the verb "to see.
" Darrin, did you say that? You were expecting maybe Marcello Mastroianni? - That's beautiful.
- Yeah, it was, wasn't it? I guess sticking to it paid off.
- What time did you get to bed? - Who got to bed? I was up with those records all night.
Honey, it was exciting.
Suddenly, I felt like a sponge soaking it all in.
That Miss Petruccelli is quite a teacher.
- Hey, ask me the time.
- What time is it? That's perfect.
They do smell nice, don't they? Ask me something else.
Why don't you ask me how I feel.
- Darrin.
- Now, just a minuto, Samantha.
Now I gonna tell you the colours in a rainbow.
Why are you talking like that? Why am I talking what way? With an Italian accent.
Are you crazy? Who's talking with an Italian accent? I tell you what I gonna do.
Now I gonna speak to you the furniture.
How you like them apples? I can't get over it.
I said, I couldn't get over it.
What do you mean you don't understand me? Oh, I see.
You want some more practice, huh? Well What do you mean, "what it says"? Darrin wipe that glazed look off your eyes.
You're scaring me.
Darrin, quit fooling around.
You don't understand.
You really don't.
Mother did it.
Mother.
Mother! Take it easy, sweetheart.
I'll fix everything.
Speak Italian but spoil the spell And speak your mother tongue As well Mother! Endora! Cat.
Cat.
Oh, Darrin.
I'm sorry, but it's the only way until I can find Mother.
The old-fashioned way, like in school.
I am happy to make your acquaintance.
I am happy to make your acquaintance.
I am.
I am.
- Happy.
- Happy.
- To make.
- To make.
- Your acquaintance.
- Your acquaintance.
Now say it.
Darrin.
Endora! Larry Tate.
Hi, Sam, I thought I'd unclog the freeway and have Darrin drive with me.
Well, you certainly picked a fine morning to be thoughtful.
Well? - Aren't you gonna ask me in? - What for? I mean, do come in, Larry, but Darrin's not here.
His car's out front.
I mean, he's upstairs.
- Well, that's here.
- Not really.
- He's in bed.
- Too much studying, huh? Oh, you wouldn't believe it.
Well, as long as he can fake a few "Arrivederci Roma"s l'll be satisfied.
- Oh, he can fake that, all right.
- Well, I won't keep him long.
- Larry, I wish you wouldn't.
Son of a gun.
Marvellous.
You sounded just like a native.
He says, "Won't you have a seat?" Boy, oh, boy.
You're great.
Just great.
I'm impressed.
I'm really impressed.
Now, come on.
Cut out the United Nations routine.
Darrin, Romani's coming to the office at 3 this afternoon.
Larry, I'm afraid you're wasting your breath.
Darrin can't understand a word you're saying.
- I beg your pardon? - Well, it's quite normal.
Quite normal that he doesn't understand a word I'm saying? Yes.
Isn't that marvellous? Now I don't understand a word you're saying.
Well, let me see if I can explain it to you.
It's a technique.
It's called total immersion.
Darrin is drowning in the Italian language.
He is, huh? Well, tell him to come up for air.
I'm afraid it's a little late, Larry.
He can't think or speak in anything but Italian.
You're not serious? Boy, am I serious.
I know it's a put-on, but I'll go along with it.
Darrin, I want your recommendation on who to assign as copywriter and art director.
Bill Baxter e Sam Kaplan.
- He says Bill Baxter - Oh, I got the gist of it.
Thank you.
Happy to make your acquaintance.
All right, Darrin, you've had your little joke.
Now, come on.
Let's go to work.
Larry, I'm afraid that might be a little dangerous for him.
You see, he has to decompress from From the immersion.
- Yes.
- All right, Sam.
You make sure he's at the office at 3:00.
Three o'clock.
Three o'clock.
- Endora! Endora! - Mother! Mother! Oh, dear.
Sweetheart, you go on to the office.
I'll find Mother.
Welcome to the agency, Mr.
Romani.
I hope the relationship will be long and fruitful.
Come in.
This is my associate Darrin Stephens.
Mr.
Romani.
He wants to know what part of Italy he comes from.
He says he wasn't born in Italy.
He was born in the United States.
I know that.
He does not believe him.
No, no, signor Romani.
Now, enough's enough.
Now, stop showing off, Darrin.
Speak to him in English.
He says that to honour Mr.
Romani, he wishes to speak Italian only.
Forget the italiano.
Speak to me in the English.
What do you mean you don't understand? I heard you speak English yesterday.
I know you can hear me, Mother wherever you are, so you hear me good.
Now, I'm gonna count to three.
Not five, not four, but three.
And if you're not here on the count of three no matter where you are, what you're doing I am gonna forbid you to set foot in this house again.
One, two, three.
You said wherever I am.
Well, just don't stand there.
Here, do some work on your mama's back.
Mother, do you realize what you've done to Darrin? Well, I've just given him a little private tutoring.
You have deprived Darrin of the use of the English language.
Oh, I have? Well, so I've given him an overdose.
Your overdose can cost him his job! Please don't shout, Samantha.
I will have to ask you to leave my bathroom.
And I will have to ask you to leave this house forever unless you un-spell Darrin.
Nag, nag, nag.
Cancel the spell.
That's an incantation? What do you expect at this hour, darling? Poetry? Now, it isn't that I don't trust you, Mother, but you're coming with me.
Get dressed.
Mr.
Romani, Stephens, like everyone else in McMann & Tate is dedicated to doing things to their fullest fruition.
No halfway measures at McMann & Tate.
Stephens is to be prided on his devotion to all Italian or no Italian.
Don't you agree? You're going to speak to me in the English or I'm going to walk right out of here.
Okay, you want me to speak to you in English? I'm gonna speak to you in English.
Darrin, are you out of your mind? How dare you.
I'm doing the best I can.
Mother, do something.
I'm doing the best I can.
It has to take time, Samantha.
You are lying, Mr.
Stephens.
No americano speaks italiano like that.
I swear to you, signor, I am 100 percent Yankee.
You're gonna be 100 percent unemployed Yankee if you don't apologize to Mr.
Romani this minute.
I am very sorry if I've done anything to offend you, Mr.
Romani.
But I'm sure I can explain.
You speak perfect English.
You was mocking me.
You were deliberately mocking him.
Deliberately! And do you know why? - Do you know why? - No, but it better be good.
I'll tell you why.
Because Go on.
I was trying to impress on Mr.
Romani the danger of the Romani image becoming provincial and laughable.
I hope there's more.
I despise those people who find dialect humour amusing.
My boss is a very sensitive man.
He didn't know what I was doing.
I'll take an oath on that.
Did you notice how incensed he was at my accent because he thought I was mocking you? He was right! I was mocking you deliberately.
- And do you know why? - No, why? If you multiply Mr.
Tate by 100 million consumers I think you'll get what I'm driving at.
And I believe I can say without fear of contradiction that if you decide to give us the campaign our account will be The food may be Italian the accent American.
I understand what you say.
- What did he say? - "What did he say?" - "What did he say?" - "What did he say?" You got me cuckoo, but I don't care.
I like to do business with you.
You won't regret it, Mr.
Romani.
Now, let me introduce you and Mr.
Arcarius to the rest of the staff.
Happy to make your acquaintance.
Yes.
Likewise, I'm sure.
That's the greatest salesmanship I've ever seen.
You're a genius.
You're not going to understand this, Larry, but I have to be.
I don't expect any thanks, but at least a tiny pat on the head.
- How about a kick in the? - Darrin! She's my mother.
Oh, stop pouting, Dino.
All's well that ends well, as what's-his-name said.
I'm famished.
Why don't you take my daughter and me to a nice Italian dinner.
It's only 4:30 in the afternoon.
Oh, I'm still on European time.
Then why don't you go to dinner in Europe? That's a splendid idea! Let's go.
Sam! - And on Mother's last trip to Italy - Quite recently.
Yes.
- She brought back two paintings, three evening dresses and 400 pounds of Romani products.
You know, I must congratulate you, Samantha.
You have a most brilliant husband.
His campaign makes Chef Romani as an American as apple pie.
Well, we like him.
But he is a naughty boy.
Come on, naughty boy.
Speak to me a few words in italiano.
I feel like getting homesick.
He speak so delicious.
Oblige him, Mr.
Stephens.
Do it for me.
Signor Romani.
Listen how he speaks.
So beautiful.
So beautiful.
Why he denies he is italiano? You tell me, Samantha, what province he comes from? Would somebody tell me, please? Somebody tell me.