Big Mouth (2017) s04e03 Episode Script

1
One, two, three
How you doing in there, man?
It won't come out, Maury.
I can't do it. I can't shit!
How is that possible?
When was the last time you took a dump?
-Let's see, I didn't poop yesterday
-Okay.
And I couldn't go when Nick walked in
on me, carry the one, so four weeks ago?
Jesus, Andrew!
You haven't shit the entire summer?
I think you missed your shit window.
Shit window? What's a shit window?
When you sucked your groundhog back
into your butthole,
you made it think there were
six more weeks of sphincter.
And this is locked science?
This is flat-Earth science, Andy.
Oh, God, Maury, you gotta take a look
at what's going on back there.
Oh, Andrew, I don't think it's appropriate
for me to be this psyched
to look at your asshole, baby!
-Oh.
-What?
-Oh my.
-What is it?
-Oh me, oh my.
-Give it to me straight, I can take it!
-You should see this for yourself, Andrew.
-Bring me the mirror!
Hey! Why don't you take
a fucking picture, numbnuts!
It'll last longer!
I'm going through changes ♪
I'm going through changes ♪
Oh, in my life ♪
Oh, ooh, ooh! ♪
Okay, 15 minutes until the last night
of camp bonfire.
Attendance required.
Make-outs encouraged.
Because if you can't hook up
on the last night of camp,
when can you hook up?
Vacation? Please!
Your parents are there!
They don't want to see you
snogging a 45-year-old Greek woman.
They're not ready to accept you
as a sexual being.
#Zoratheexplora!
Nick, why you doing homework
right now like some nerd?
This is your last chance
to get some tan ass.
I'm writing jokes
for the talent show tonight.
You can't perform at the bonfire.
Everyone hates you now, Soup.
-Ugh!
-They wanna see you fail.
You're basically Ben Affleck.
No, no, no, no.
Some people still like Nick.
He's Matt Damon! Keep on writing, Matt!
Ugh! What is it about
the last night of camp
that gets everyone so horned up?
I know, right?
I just checked out Milk's ass.
If you look at it by itself,
it's actually kinda good.
Hey, Natalie! Hi.
Did you hear, uh, about the dead bird
in the woods?
It's-- I mean,
it's been swelling up all summer,
and I actually think
it's gonna pop tonight.
Wow. Very cool.
Yeah. Super cool.
Remember where I hocked
that red loogie last year?
It's-- it's kinda near there.
Yeah, we remember.
You keep bringing it up.
Just like I brought up that red loog!
Anyway, you wanna go see the bird, maybe?
Eh, maybe later.
I kinda wanted to throw a battery
in the bonfire to see what happens.
Oh, yeah. That's-- Yeah. I want--
Tell me, let me know.
Oh, my God. He's so into you.
What? Shut up! Wait, why?
What makes you think that?
Look at him.
That's his sad attempt at flirting.
Hey, ladies--
Fuck! Did it! That's what I wanted!
You should go see the bird with him.
Really? I don't know.
Yes! Come on! You obviously like him. Go.
Yeah, but this would be my first time,
like, kissing a boy.
And it just feels scary.
But it's the last night.
If it doesn't work out, who cares?
I mean, I'm gonna finger Milk.
As God as my witness,
I'm gonna wear him like a Ring Pop.
My dad's friend Bob Reedy
has a statue of a finger
in his nightstand.
Shut the fuck up, Milk!
Burgers and coffee?
You sure that's the move, captain?
I figured this would be the best way
to get things moving down there.
Oh, yeah, keep eating, man!
Put little burger shoes
on my gross shit feet!
Andrew, I think he's getting bigger.
And I'm getting wider, you fucks!
I'm a big, brown baseball with eyes!
Eww! Did you just "furp"?
-Furp? What's a furp?
-It's a fart burp, you fucking idiot.
Ugh, what is that awful stench?
It smells like when my dad's friend
Bob Reedy invited me
to change his sepsis gauze, and I obliged.
Who was that? Ugh!
It was probably Soup. Yeah, he farted.
It sounded wet, like Soup!
What? No, it wasn't me!
I mean, I've heard of a can of soup,
but this Soup needs to go to the can.
Good one, dude!
-You write that?
-I had variations on it,
but it's never come out like that.
Wow, I know Nick's a tiny little loser,
and he stinks like trash,
but I feel bad for the kid.
That's where you and I differ, Maury.
Bad things
happen to bad people.
Nick is getting what he deserves.
It's called kar--
It's called-- It's called--
It's called karma.
May I tongue you, my queen?
Permission granted, my king.
Happening! Happening!
Let's see what's actually happening.
Uh-oh, Your Majesty.
There's, like, so much dirt
under my fingernails
from all that digging.
Well, allow me to suck the muck out,
Your Fuckin' Grace.
- Mm!
- Mm!
I love how rough your fingers are.
Well, I love what a jacked walnut you are
from digging all summer.
You did most of the work, babe.
And with your feet too.
Those strong little hooves.
They're like that one genre of Tostitos
'cause they're good for scooping.
Yeah, that's right,
-I'm perfect for the Super Bowl!
-Oh, yeah.
I was just telling the guys the other day,
your feet never get soggy.
Anyway, we did do an amazing job,
though, didn't we?
I feel bad for everyone else, honestly.
What do you think, Skumpy?
Should we keep this paradise to ourselves?
No way, Jo-say!
We should totally have
a bomb-ass pool warming party
so everyone can choke
on their fucking jealousy.
That's genius.
Uh-oh, methinks me sees some dirt
under your toes,
or as I like to call them,
the Queen's Nuggies.
Oh, that fucking tickles.
Thank you, Rebecca.
You really kept most of those plates
spinning a lot of the time.
And now, hoping to turn around
his truly dreadful summer,
a boy named Soup!
Aww.
Even the counselors are calling me "Soup"?
Oh, God, Nick. You're gonna bomb!
This is a suicide mission.
You'll be a suicide bomber!
Um, you know, what's--
what's the deal with camp?
It's-- it's like school,
but we're all fucking sleeping here?
Ugh.
Don't listen to Tito!
-You are so funny.
-Really?
Big-ass mouth, stupid fucking forehead.
Look at that thing. Goddamn shoebox.
-What?
-I just look at you, and I laugh.
You're right. You're right.
Charming people is, like,
the one thing I'm actually good at.
I-- I got this.
Make eye contact. Strut!
-Connect with the ladies!
-Okay, okay.
Ahem. Hey, fellow campers!
What a summer, huh? Yikes! No me gusta.
The only thing worse, honestly,
is getting stuck in a canoe with Berman,
am I right?
Fucking kid's been crying all summer!
Berman's brother died last month!
Oh. Oh, my God.
I am so sorry, Berman.
I really didn't know that.
I-- I just
Well, let's see what else I got.
What do I got? Uh, that's not good.
Oh, no! What if you can't think
of anything to say?
You have no point of view.
It's so hot, uh
How hot is it, me?
It's so hot,
I think I saw a deer sucking
on an ice cube the other day.
No, you didn't!
Fuck you, Soup!
Take a fucking shower and die!
-Okay, good times.
-You suck!
Easy, Andrew, Nick's already bombing.
You're fucking a dead horse.
Sure, it feels great, but it's not right.
No, that guy's an asshole!
He fucked your wife Missy!
Well, sort of.
Yeah, that's the essence of what occurred!
Hey, Soup, you wanna be funny?
Show us your tiny prick!
Jesus, Andrew. What is your problem?
Read the tea leaves, honey.
-That bowl of soup fucked my wife!
-I think I'm gonna switch seats.
Let your guard down, Nicky.
Be vulnerable!
People like that.
Hey, guys, maybe comedy's
not what you're looking for tonight.
Maybe I try
something a little bit different.
Hey, Mister Man ♪
What about me? ♪
Am I a bowl of soup or a human being? ♪
'Cause when I look in the mirror ♪
I'll tell you what I see ♪
He sees soup!
'Cause he's a big fat bowl
of fucking soup, the idiot!
-That's a good joke!
-Stinky-ass bitch!
Why are you all so mean?
And why is Berman still here
if his brother's dead?
He should be at home with his family!
My mom said Eli would've wanted me
to finish out the summer.
Get off the stage, Soup!
Run, sugar! Run into the woods!
Oh, Nick.
That felt right, yeah?
I-- I feel good about that?
Yeah, you really finished in the horse,
Andrew.
Well, he deserved it--
-My stomach!
-Jesus, you all right, chief?
Shh! Look.
Hi. Did you just make
your best friend cry?
That was so hot and rude.
I'm beyond soaked.
Soaked, you say?
Well, sounds like you need
a big, dry pair of underwear
-and a qualified lover to put them on.
-Andrew, who are you talking to?
Why, this hot little redhead ginger
over here.
Oh, no, that's not a girl.
That's the campfire!
Ow! Fuck! Hot!
Maury, what's happening to me?
Well, you're hallucinating.
You have cramps.
It's been a month since you
Wait a second.
Step into my office.
Okay, fart.
Fart again.
Okay, big, wet fart.
Oh, no. It's just as I feared.
What is it? You can tell me. Is it AIDS?
Oh, Andrew, you're suffering from
Poop madness!
Poop madness! What the hell is that?
When the body goes too long
without expunging a brownskie,
-it goes into a state of shitosis
-Uh-huh. Yeah.
eventually causing cerebral skidmarks,
or in layman's terms, shit-for-brains.
Doctor, that does not sound good.
Bottom line,
if you don't dump your grump soon,
you'll go permanently insane.
No! No, that can't be. I'm fine--
-Oh, dear God!
-Eww, Andrew!
You use a handkerchief?
Nick, hold on, wait up!
Are you okay?
Of course I'm not okay.
My whole life is over!
Whoa, buddy. Calm down, you're shaking.
-Shaking?
-I could take you to the nurse.
She could give you a cup of water.
Water? What the hell is water gonna do?
Hey, Jessi, your parents are divorced.
You want a cup of fucking water?
-Hey!
-Just leave me alone!
Okay, fine. Jesus.
Wow, that is certainly a dead bird.
Check it out, its belly is full of gas,
so if you poke its butthole with a stick,
it actually squeaks.
I think that's actually called its cloaca.
Cloaca. That's a beautiful name for
a baby, or any--
Wow. Crazy how tall these trees are.
So tall.
-Super.
-Yeah.
Um so what else should we do?
I don't know.
Uh, what do you wanna do?
Whatever, honestly.
Whatever, right? Yeah.
Are we moving closer to each other?
You're not turning away from me.
-I'm not turning away from you.
-Yep.
Thank you for doing
what's about to happen.
Wow.
Is it possible this party
could actually be good?
Oh, it's not good.
It's perfect.
Welcome to Soak Palace,
where all your dreams are wet.
And muddy!
Guys, help yourself to some snacks!
Yeah, there's pretzels
and shaving cream on the table,
and Luda's passing out the hot apps!
It's lasag-na.
Oh, my God, I've never said
that word out loud before!
You nailed it, babe. Up top!
Go, Lola!
Hey, party people!
DJ Pendejo here,
returning to the scene of the time
where I made thick in the warm!
-Meow! Meow!
-Hi, Steve.
Hi, Jay's mom, my sexual partner.
Come on in, guys!
The water's piping hot and slick as shit!
Ooh, I'm at your service, my queen.
I think it's time for you
to clean the royal stinky pinky.
Yeah, right there.
Oh! Mm-hmm. Yep.
This is officially better than
the time I saw Eric Stonestreet
fall down a flight of stairs.
Lola, can I talk to you for a second?
Aww, but my crown jewels
are still getting polished.
Right now!
Oh, my God! What the hell?
Please tell me
you're not actually with Jay.
Yeah, kind of, I mean,
we built this, like, dank-ass pool.
You need to drop him immediately.
You might as well be dating
a meatball sub.
First of all, yum!
But, like, ultimately,
what's wrong with Jay?
He's like a dirty, weird kid.
I once saw him eat
someone else's scab, bro.
He's a true goblin.
Oh, my God, please!
You guys are just jealous
of our sick-ass Soak Palace!
Lola, this pool is a fucking wet tomb.
It's trash, and so is Jay. Look at him.
Oh, yeah, it's foamy.
Molecular gastronomy. A lot of foam.
You seriously can't bring this horror show
into eighth grade.
You'll be a fucking joke.
Oh, no!
Sigh, comma, groan! Aw
Oh, God, where am I?
You're lost. In the woods!
I think this is how Berman's brother died.
Oh! I can't believe I had so many jokes
about Berman!
And then you sang!
Fucking Connie told me to be vulnerable.
It was humiliating.
Andrew's gonna tell everyone at school
what a loser you are!
Oh, that's totally what he's gonna do.
What if they call you Soup
in eighth grade?
You'll have no friends!
You'll never get laid!
You'll be an old man
with your untouched, dusty little dick!
I think I'm having a panic attack!
Andrew?
Why, Nick?
Why did you kiss Missy?
Maybe it's because you're selfish!
No, I'm just a fierce advocate
for my own happiness.
And why did you make fun
of my dope hats?
I stand my ground on that one.
Fuck you, the hats rule!
You're a condescending prick,
and we'll never be friends again!
No!
Why can't you just shit in the bunk?
Everyone's hooking up in there,
and you know I get caca-shy!
I'm not going anywhere,
you fucking bird brain!
Strain, Andrew.
Push all the blood to your face!
If you motherfuckers try and shit me,
I'll pull out your fucking spinal cord!
Oh, God, Maury.
I'm scared.
Maybe I can just hold it in forever.
You can't, Andrew! You'll go mad!
I think it's time for me
to pop your dookie bubble.
Shout-out to Bobby and Whitney.
Oh, fuck! Okay, I'll try anything.
Just hurry up.
All right, Andrew, I think I--
Maury! How did he get a knife?
I'm a pile of shit with nothing to lose!
Oh, no, Maury.
Stay with me. No! Shh, just hold it in.
No, just don't let the blood out--
Why are you doing this to me?
You made me!
I am the ugly hate inside of you,
and I'll keep getting bigger and bigger
until we are one!
-Wow.
-Oh, wow.
You're a surprisingly good kisser.
Well, my dad's a high-end butcher,
and I practice on the meats.
So if you're ever at Goldberg's
in Montreal, do not eat the pastrami.
Thanks for the heads-up.
-No problem.
-So, should we go back to the group?
The group? Uh Oh, yeah, totally.
Um, so how do we wanna do this?
Do you, uh, wanna go first,
and I'll just hang back
-and chill for a sec?
-What?
Or do you want me to run as fast as I can,
and then you just show up later?
-What do you mean?
-I'm just saying,
I don't know if we should show up
at the same time,
'cause then, you know, everyone will know.
Oh. Oh, my God.
Fuck.
You don't want anyone to know.
Look, I-- I'm really into you,
and I like you.
I-- I'm just mildly terrified
of what the guys will say,
because you're
I'm what?
Say it. I'm trans.
No! I mean, yes.
But no, no!
It-- it-- it's because you are so
great, and they'll get jealous.
'Cause I get to kiss the great one. You!
Fuck you!
I'm a person, not something to hide.
This is such a fucking bummer.
Natalie, I'm sorry!
You know, have fun face-fucking
your dad's meat, you French Canadian cunt!
It's high-end meat! Ow, fuck!
Ugh, the bird popped!
Natalie, come back!
Ugh. The smell is
It is not what you'd expect!
Hey-o! You guys having fun?
-Eh.
-Not really.
Oh, my stars,
look at that queen in her palace.
Mm-mm-mm!
Jay, honey, this isn't a palace.
It's a bowl of fucking malaria.
What? I don't know what you're--
Oh, no.
Luda!
And that's not an elegant queen.
That's Lola.
Leggo my lasag-na!
Oh, shit.
You're mine now, dick cheese!
Okay, brother, we can work this out.
What do you want?
I want you to become your true self:
an angry piece of shit!
No, please! You're hurting me!
-My fur and whiskers! You're late!
-What?
-You're late! You're late!
-What am I late for?
Oh, you're late, you're late,
for a very important make!
You didn't poop or shit or crap!
You're late! You're late! You're late!
What the fuck is happening?
Why, you have fullsy-blownsy,
sweetsy-brownsy
Poop madness!
Oh, God, I do! I really do!
The rectal strain has reached
Your brain ♪
The bile seeps into your soul ♪
Join the dance of fools ♪
Whose stubborn stools ♪
Will never reach the bowl ♪
You've received an invitation ♪
To the carnival of constipation ♪
Your blocked behind has blown
Your mind ♪
And opened up the door ♪
- Oh, no!
- To poop madness ♪
Poop madness ♪
Poop madness♪
Nick?
Not anymore. You turned me into Soup!
Calling all Thick Hogsmen!
It's chow time!
- Organs twist, intestines pound♪
- No! Nick!
This is fucked up.
This is beyond the pale.
Why are you such a shithead?
Poop madness ♪
No!
Ugh. That transphobic, cargo-short
wearing, Canadian motherfucker!
I just can't believe someone so stupid
could make me feel so bad.
Should we go kick his ass?
Yeah, maybe. Are you good at fighting?
I have never fought.
I kicked someone in the back
really hard once.
But you know, I don't think
that's the best way
to spend our last few hours at camp.
I mean, at least you got your first kiss.
Yeah, and I made a really special friend
this summer.
Milk's dad's friend, Bob Reedy?
- No, you fucking idiot. You.
- I knew that.
My first kiss was with a troll
named Myron.
He had a flat ass and buck teeth.
He could eat me out
through a tennis racket.
We dated for eight years.
I should call him.
Gotta calm down.
How? You can't even breathe!
-Everything's fine.
-No, it's not.
I'm clearly dying, but everything's fine.
Is that the sick triceratops
from Jurassic Park?
Andrew, is that you? Are you okay?
Ugh! This fucking guy!
Tell him to go jump off a fucking bridge.
I'm fine. You go away!
Okay, if that's what you want.
Oh, boy! I changed my mind!
Nick, don't leave me!
No! What if it's a trap?
Please, don't leave me.
What's wrong with you?
-I got poop madness, man!
-What?
I haven't shit all summer,
and I'm losing my mind. I need your help.
You can't trust him.
Why should I help you? I mean,
you've been an asshole to me all summer!
Oh, that's Nick! That's Nick to a T!
Typical selfish little fuck.
Well, you were an asshole to me
in the first place.
I said I was sorry.
Why can't you let it go?
No! Never let it go!
Hold it in!
I wanna let it go, but it's just so hard.
Look, Andrew, I know,
but I've just really missed you.
No, don't be vulnerable.
I've missed you too.
Aww, give me a hug.
-No!
-Oh, no!
I'm losing my grip!
Oh, God! Motherfuckers!
There's so much more
to worry about!
Nick! It's coming.
Oh, God! You're gonna shit right now?
I can feel it crowning.
Oh, Nick, no.
I can't do this. I can't do this.
Oh, Andrew, you're already doing it.
Stay right here, Daddy.
I got you, okay?
Your body is doing
what it was meant to do!
Oh, get this fucking thing out of me!
You say whatever you need to say.
I hate men! I hate men!
I stand by you… ♪
You're my hero! I am so proud of you.
One more push.
You're doing it!
Oh, you did it. You did it.
No, Nick. We did it.
Should I cut the cord?
I think it's linguine.
Aww, nine pounds, six ounces,
22-inches long.
What a massive turd.
Hey, you.
Eww! Soup's holding Glouberman's poop!
Kinky little fucks.
They're Soup and Poop!
Soup and Poop!
Soup and Poop!
Oh, no, Nick--
It's okay, man. They can call us
whatever they want.
-We have each other.
-No, it's not that.
Honey, I think we're having twins!
Aww, the second one's
a totally different color.
Excuse me, trying to get past.
- Nobody's stopping you.
- It was nice the Devins came.
You certainly seemed
to have a good time with them.
I'm surprised you noticed,
considering how busy you were
butt-fucking Matthew and Aiden.
You wish, Lola. In my dreams.
Yeah, right. Like you're even allowed
to go to sleep.
Joke's on you, I'm allowed 30 minutes
of sleep, every two--
-What the fuck!
-I can't live like this anymore!
You owe me a Scooby-Doo plate!
Devin was right about you!
She said you were a meatball sub,
and I could do slightly better!
Oh, yeah?
Well, Matthew said you were Lola!
How dare he!
You know what, Jay?
I think it's best if we do
what my parents did:
divvy up the lotto tickets
and move to separate parts of Yonkers!
Let's face it, our pool was gross,
and everybody thought we were gross too.
My feet are so wet and dirty!
Oh, yeah? What do you got?
Like, muddy fucking toes?
Something like that.
Lift. Wiggle, wiggle.
You look like you just ran
the Kentucky Derby in the rain.
Clip-clop! I'm a little show pony.
Ah! That's so hot.
You know what? Fuck this!
I like navigating the world with you.
-And I'm scared to be alone at my house!
-Fuck what everybody else says!
Let's take this love connection
to the eighth grade!
Really? You mean
like boyfriend and girlfriend?
No!
-What?
-Like king and queen.
Oh, fuck, yes!
Mmm! You're a bad boy, aren't you?
Yeah, you're having sex with a boy!
I don't wanna go to sleep!
Oh, you don't have to, Steve.
I'm so tired, though!
I'm gonna miss you so much.
You have to come see me in the city,
okay?
I'm gonna text you every day
for the first week,
and then once every six months
for the next ten years.
Ditto.
-How you feeling, buddy?
-I'm fine, I-- I can walk.
No, they don't want you to.
It's an insurance thing.
Hey, Soup, Poop.
Just want to say you two should
take good care of each other.
Don't fuck it up 'cause you're afraid
of what other people might say,
even if it was the best goddamn kiss
of your entire fucking life.
-What?
-What? Nothing.
Anyway, I just, uh, got you guys
a goodbye present.
-Is it a duck egg?
-No! It's not a duck egg!
It's never been a duck egg!
It's been my balls the whole time.
I'm sorry I wasn't brave enough
to tell you. But now you know.
My dad's friend Bob Reedy
calls his testicles his huevos.
Uh, Milk, do me a favor.
You be careful around Bob Reedy, okay?
Nick.
There is no Bob Reedy.
Oh, boy.
Oh, that was a pretty great summer,
wasn't it, Nick?
What? No, it fucking sucked.
Best summer of our lives.
At least you got rid of Tito,
that anxiety mosquito.
I do feel less anxious.
I just hope my asshole heals
before the first day of school.
According to WebMD,
I have turtleneck butt.
Yeah, but it was all worth it.
Look at these two rascals.
I've named them Zack and Cody,
and I think
they're gonna have a pretty sweet life.
All right. Eighth grade, here we come.
I'll stand by you ♪
I'll stand by you ♪
Won't let nobody hurt you♪
I'll stand by you ♪
So ♪
If you're mad, get mad ♪
Don't hold it all inside ♪
Come on and talk to me now ♪
Hey ♪
What you got to hide? ♪
I get angry too ♪
Well, I'm alive like you ♪
When you're standing at the crossroads ♪
"Good at Bizness."
- Chirp.
- Fathouse.