Broad City (2014) s04e03 Episode Script

1 It just makes me nuts that this is private.
It's like we're supposed to just, like, circle it? It's Gramercy Park douchebags.
If I had a key, I would go in there like every morning and read the whole paper with a coffee or, like, an Oprah chai.
Ugh.
If I had a key, I'd just grow some (bleep) weed.
Dude, that is genius.
Rich people never get caught.
(coughing) Oh, my God.
Are you okay? Hey, are you okay? Come to the gate.
She knows the Heimlich.
Yeah, c come over here! She knows it now.
She took a course! Come on! Come on! (coughing) Okay, turn around.
Um, I can't reach.
I can't reach.
Ilana, give me your hand.
Give me your arm.
Okay, right there.
One two three! Oh, my God! (gasping) Thank you.
How can I ever repay you for saving my life? We we've never been in the park.
I mean we would love a tour.
- It's beautiful.
- Love.
One love.
Ooh, absolutely not.
Wait, what? We just saved your life.
- That's how you worded it.
- You just said that.
You have to have a key to come in.
You have one.
Shrug? Sometimes, I literally hate (chuckling) humanity.
- I - That was unbelievable.
I I can't (man coughing) - Really? - Oh, no.
This rich baby doesn't know how to eat.
(groans) Four and three and two and one-one (whimpering) - You cold, BB? - Just a little bit.
You are like a Columbian drug lord.
- Thank you.
- That's not gonna work now.
Wow that is better.
God, it is so amazing to have a day off from work.
I worked seven double-shifts in a row.
Ai, mi amore, you deserve it.
You been working yourself to the bone.
Like, literally, I think I can see the bone in your foot.
Could you please put it away please? I'm sorry, I have to air it out.
God, it's just nice to have fresh cash, though, you know? And now that I have the day off, I can buy myself some happiness.
Exhibit A: this freakin' bed.
A king for two queens, bitch! You can fit four people in here comfortably.
Speaking of orgies, I need to go - put on my penis cream.
- Do you need any help? Again, I do not think that's appropriate, Ilana.
(sighs) At least do it in here.
Okay, that's fair.
Hi.
(giggles) You, uh you have something in your teeth.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Is it I I think it's my chest hair.
Here.
Let me I got it.
Yeah.
I guess I was really going to town.
Yeah.
Like, on your chest.
I'm gonna go pee.
Okay.
All right.
Don't, uh, fall in.
(exhales) (giggling) Oh, my God, Bevers! What're you doing? Excusez-moi, mademoiselle, but, uh, who da' fresh man meant? Okay ew to you.
But he's my new boyfriend.
I met him at the gym, he's a paramedic.
And Trey was all like, "You're not a relationship type.
" And I was all like (scoffs) "Uh, am I? 'Cause I'm in one now.
" I haven't had my ears candled in a while, but it sounded to me like he gave you multiples.
Okay, were you listening to us have sex? Yeah.
Just listening.
Okay, don't.
Please.
Mmm, I'm sorry.
But he is really good at sex.
But I also think that's really about me knowing my body.
Yeah, I've noticed that too and I'm proud of you.
God, it's so moist in this bed.
All right.
Oh, hey, uh, this is um I'm Matthew Bevers, I'm Abbi's roommate.
- Oh, hey, um - Mike, I heard.
(making laser sounds) (mouthing) Out! (clears throat) (Ilana) Man, this is the first time ever I'm not bringing my own color.
This is a big day for me, actually.
(gasping) What? What? These feet.
Very badly abused.
Oh, don't worry about it.
I call 'em "ballerina feet.
" Just shave the sides off a little and slap on some color.
And don't be afraid to really grind with that pumice.
Nails not much better.
Thin, baby nails.
Are you working class? Technically Wow.
I'll have what she's having.
You're sure? Very expensive.
(laughing) Money is no object for me, although, I appreciate a good laugh.
Listen, I know what it's like to live off tips.
But I did read that terrible "New York Times" headline about the exploited salon workers.
I want you having this and not the owner.
I am the owner.
Congratulations.
White guilt, white guilt White guilt Well, look at that.
(exhales) And I realized that a clit looks a lot like a swoosh.
And that's how the logo was born.
(laughing) People don't even realize they're walking around with clits all over their shoes.
- Makes me laugh.
- It should.
Okay.
Before we get to the Amtrak account, we gotta talk office party.
We're a month out and I wanna book that private room at Freemans, so I need to know who's coming with a plus-one.
Oh, I'm in a committed relationship, I will be bringing that plus-one.
- You mentioned it.
- Oh, we know.
Yeah, I just, like I love being part of a couple.
I'm just, like, that kinda gal, you know? Woman girl.
Woman you know what? It's not about me.
Do you wanna get back to the clit talk? No, we're we're kinda past that, Abbi.
- Totally.
- My God, this board is a mess.
(grunts) Do you have a harness in this size? Can you remind me again why you asked me to meet you at what turned out to be a sex store? Because I need a second opinion on a new leotard.
Come on, Ilana! Why didn't you just ask Abbi? Because she's with her new boy-toy.
Ooh-ooh! Ha-ha What is what is that? It's like '90s canned laughter.
Wait, what about J Why don't you ask Jaimé? Gays are not interchangeable, Eliot.
Don't be a (bleep) homophobe.
- I'm gay.
- Now stop being inappropriate and tell me if my boobs look good in this.
Ilana, I really don't wanna do this.
Did I or did I not buy you not one, but two Levain cookies? Okay, fine.
Your boobs look b bountiful.
Or whatever, I don't know.
- Delicious.
- Thank you.
Now help zip a sister up because I can't with these.
(sighs) Gentle! Perfect.
You wanna come to a sick-ass party tonight with me and Abbi and Jimmels? Um, whose party is it? I don't even know.
I just clicked on it on Facebook 'cause I need a freakin' place to flaunt my wealth and my body.
Yeah, I I definitely don't wanna go.
But you will certainly be the belle of the ball.
Mmm, well, miss out, brother.
Miss out on your sista's body, baby.
Okay.
All right, well, I'm getting here safe.
Text me later.
No, you hang up first.
(giggling) No, you! No, y Mike? Hello? (car horn honking) Did somebody order a hot, rich (bleep)? He's so cute, right? Ooh, neck hair.
Ladies, ladies, major conundrum.
- What? - What? There is a hottie at this party that looks just like a male Lucy Liu.
Oh, yes.
(clamoring) There's a big problem, though.
(whispers) My penis.
I'm sorry? You know how I have a gorgeous, uncircumcised penis? Well, I do know.
How have I not told you about his gorgeous, uncircumcised penis? You're not listening.
But I love it.
I love it because it has so much more, like like sabor, sensitivity than normal, cut penises do.
- Oh, really? - Oh, yes.
Circumcision exposes the penile head decreasing sensitivity over time.
The tip becomes calloused, leaving cut penises with, like, five percent of the pleasure experienced by in tact men.
Pullback gang all damn day.
(whispers) Every day.
Whoa, how do you know so much about this? Honestly, Ab, if you don't read a book soon, - you're gonna forget how.
- I The problem is because of my particular PH balance, - I am prone - It's okay.
I prone to having the yeasty infections.
He has one now.
That's why I'm wearing this skirt.
- Oh - But the thing is, like, I know I "look good," but I don't feel sexy.
So I've been thinking that maybe it's time for me to cut my pepito.
Whoa, that's heavy.
Wow.
Should we drink? - Yes! - Yes! - Woo-hoo! - Yes! What's that behind your ear? Pow! One night off, get me off! (inhaling) One last one for mama.
(inhales) (laughing hysterically) (screaming) That's the one football game I watched.
God, you're cute as shit.
Oh, thanks.
You wanna smash later? Um, uh, no.
Thank you for the polite invite, I guess.
But I'm actually seeing someone.
(scoffs) Waste of two minutes.
You okay? You want me to cut a bitch? (chuckles) No, it's all right.
But that's, like, the third dude that's hit on me tonight.
Mmm, not surprised.
That's what happens when you're taken.
Everybody can smell your pheromones spraying off your mons pubis.
Gotta make my day off count.
Work hard, play hard, baby.
Hold up.
(glass shatters) (belches) Jesus, I'm getting there.
Thanks very much.
Ow! Jesus! I'm really sorry.
It was just the tips.
Ilana, those are dangerous.
Oh, but they do come in handy.
(phone beeps) Mmm, thanks.
Oh! All right, the service in here is terrible.
Swear to God, train service and cell service has been terrible since we became a fascist state.
You know what? I'm gonna see if I can get service in another room.
You know what? I'm gonna work my death drops.
Yes.
Ah, that's great, okay.
(woman sobbing) (gasps) Jesus! No, I'm so sorry.
I just I heard you crying.
Uh, are you okay? (sniffles) Um Yeah, I'm sorry.
Sorry, I don't usually I just was getting service.
I'm kind of having a tough time.
(sniffles) Well, actually, my husband and I are having a tough time.
And I really I really don't know what to do.
Relationships are tough, take it from me.
How long have you guys been together? Show me just one.
I'll show you both.
- I'll show you right now - Ilana, what's good? - Damien! - Hey, hey, what's up? How are you? Good to see you.
- You too.
- Yeah.
- What are you doing here? - What're you talking about? It's my party.
I invited you.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- Right.
- Right, yeah.
Wait, does that mean that Lincoln's here? Hold on one second.
- I'm just gonna grab this.
- Okay.
(glass shatters) I'll come back for you.
I shouldn't have invited her.
- Well, hello.
- Hey.
Ilana.
Ilana Wexler.
Yeah, I I know.
How are you? You look great.
You look good too.
You look like a video girl.
Woman.
- Video gi You look good.
- Thanks.
Oh, hey.
Steph, this is Ilana.
Ilana, this is my girlfriend, Steph.
Oh (stomach rumbles) No Oh, no, oh, no (stomach rumbles) Oh, no Oh! Catch up with you later.
Abbi, I just saw Lincoln and then I met his girlfriend and I shit myself from a sphincter-quivering, pelvic-floor-loosening, socially lethal combination of cheese, champagne, and cocaine.
I need some working fingers in the bathroom pronto before I Edward Scissors-ass my ass.
You owe me a doo doo favor, bitch! (whimpers) (Abbi outgoing message) Hey, this is Abbi.
I'm sorry I can't answer the phone, probably with my boyfriend, Mike.
We're in a relationship.
We're probably Okay.
Thanks for nothing.
(screams) (knock on door) In use! Lincoln: Ilana, it's me.
Oh, hey.
Hey, did you shit your leotard? No.
How'd you know? I know that face anywhere.
That face is saying, "I'm shitting my leotard.
" Mmm.
Also, it really smells like shit in here.
It's just distinct.
- That's a big clue.
- It's just a smell.
It smells how it's supposed to smell.
Well, thank you so much.
I do appreciate you checking in, but your services are not, um, needed here.
So thank you for, um Ow.
(both chuckling) (high-pitched laughing) (makes smashing sound) Yeah, I guess I could use a hand.
Like I said, I'm open to the idea of circumcision.
- Okay.
- You know, Damien, I just love the full sensitivity to my penis.
- Of course.
- An orgasm for me is like a full-body experience, you know? - Really? - Yeah! It's like my body fills up with fire and then I just jump into a glacier (grunts) that's broken up just for me.
That's how a normal orgasm feels for you? (chuckling) So sorry.
Maybe there is a language barrier.
Silly Jaimé! It's like the world crumbles beneath my feet and when I open my eyes the universe is reborn.
You know what I mean? - Kinda.
- Yeah? Yeah.
Uh When I orgasm it's It's kinda like Okay, you know the little basketball hoops that are in the kiddie pool for the kids? - Yeah.
- Yeah, so I'm dunking on it.
Pow! Slam dunk! Wet.
And it feels great.
(woman) I mean, we started going out in college.
And we just started going in different directions, you know? It's been, like, three months since we had sex and even then, it wasn't good.
I just tried to have sex with him right now, and he pretended he was asleep.
It is 9:00 PM! Relationships are complicated.
I mean, I know.
It's about communication and listening to each other's energies.
Tell him what you want.
Tell him what you need.
That's what Mike and I do, and we're great.
Wow, you are right.
(laughs) You just really get relationships.
I know.
So how long have you two been together? We've been together uh, six long long days.
Wait, what? (laughing) Well, okay.
Well it but our connection is like super powerful.
Um, it's like we've known each other for, like, three months, four months.
- Like, it's - What's his middle name? Berto? Where's he from? From Ohio.
Or is it Iowa? Somewhere Oh, my God.
You're not in a relationship, you're literally sleeping with a stranger.
You won't even know for, like, years, if you even get that far.
And even then, he could end up being a completely different person than the guy he is right now.
(laughing) You're such a (bleep) idiot.
- I'm sorry.
Oh, my God! - Okay.
Oh, my God.
Thank you.
I really needed that.
(sighs) You moron.
Six days! Okay.
(woman cackling) It's not that funny.
This zipper's stuck, we're gonna have to rip it.
- I know.
- Perfect.
Yeah! Whoa, those things look dangerous.
It's 'cause I'm rich now.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Got a dope waiting job and I'm making serious bank.
I'm much more mature than when you last saw me.
- It looks like it.
- Yes.
Could you close your eyes? All right.
Closed.
Well, Steph seems really nice.
She is.
Yeah, she seems cool and pretty and I hope you guys are, um, making each other orgasm a lot.
Uh, you know, Ilana, me and you, we had We had our own thing going and and that was fun but now, I'm I'm getting what I want and I'm happy and I hope you're getting what you want too.
Yeah.
Oh, you can open your eyes now.
What were you doing while they were closed? I'm gonna need to buy Damien a bottle of wine or something.
Sorry you had to see me like this.
You're lucky you got out when you did, brother.
I am a rich, disgusting monster.
It's okay.
You should probably just take a shower.
Yeah, what I just did when you closed your eyes made it worse.
Much, much, much worse.
It became a medical issue.
(laughing) (chuckling) There's only one Ilana Wexler.
Okay, just let me get this out.
Um, someone recently told me that I'm not a relationship person, so I think I just dove into this too fast.
I think I just need some time to really figure myself out.
I just wanna make sure you know it's me and not you.
Oh, well, yeah.
It's only been six days.
I didn't realize we were being exclusive.
What? Well, I've been sleeping with a couple people.
Okay, well, I guess there's nothing more to say unless you have something to say.
I lost the heartbeat! (siren wailing) Oh How'd it go? I I let him down easy.
Yeah, it was tough.
- Good girl.
- Yeah.
Okay, baby.
Here we go.
- Ow! Ow! - Hey! You know, I wanted last night to be so perfect.
But I can't stuff my tips into my empty heart.
- Ow! - Ay! Ay! Ay! - I'm so sorry.
- God! And now I have to lose these tips.
It's like they're leaving office all over again.
I know.
I think it is time for me to lose my tip too.
- I'm so sorry, Jaimé.
- It's okay.
- Ow! - I'm so sorry.
It's okay.
I'm so sorry too.
It's a tough call.
I don't have, um, a like a tip metaphor - for me, personally, for today.
- It's okay.
But I did realize, you know, maybe I'm not a relationship girl, you know? Maybe I'm not not one, either.
Like, maybe I'm just figuring it all out.
I'm just gonna focus on myself, you know? Totally.
Ow! (Bleep)! Thank you.