Call Me Fitz (2010) s04e03 Episode Script

Previously on Call Me Fitz.
We've finally come together to give this baby a home.
And exploit his ass to sell cars.
(giggles) Told you this family friendly crap was an ass move.
If the mom's won't come to Fitzy, Fitzy will come to the moms.
Richard Fitzpatrick, President and CEO of Fitzpatrick Motors.
Where the fuck are all the cars? They were repossessed.
I leave you alone for and you get us repoed by a loan shark? Fuck.
You want to make money to get your dealership back? Here's how it's going to roll.
Stogies? Gummy Worms? Bleach?! A brothel scam.
Who wants some old spice? Just get us another round of mommy juice would you sweetheart? On your marks, get set, go! We raked in almost seven large.
Should be enough to get our fleet back.
Which I tucked away in a place so shitty, no man dare ever look.
Fuck.
Someone stole the fucking baby.
I've lost a ton of shit in my day: deals, women, weeks, elections, erections, bodies, my train of thought What was I talking about? Richard! There you are.
Stuff it, panty liner.
I lost something, I can't concentrate when you're whining.
Losing is for losers.
Half the crap that goes missing, you never needed in the first place.
Right.
Trousers are not the only thing you forgot, Mister.
Just get my pants, dick magnet.
Just remember that everything lost can be replaced.
If you can just remember what the fuck it was Hey, Richard.
How about we play a game of hotter colder to figure out the thing that you forgot? I forgot to punch you in the throat? Cold.
Very cold.
Your son! You lost your baby son! Oh, yeah.
That.
( ) Without you I'd find my smile Without you, I'd'a won by a mile Without you Oh life would be so grand Without you I'm half a man A human being, Larry.
Who the fuck loses that? I don't know that I did, Richard.
Of course you did.
I am so sorry.
That innocent bundle of potential.
Why, Larry, you monster.
Will you focus, you retarded stripper pole.
You're right.
You're right, let's breathe and focus on the good here.
You, you have a rosy shade of "fatherly" glow in your cheeks.
Don't gay this up.
This is about one thing - - Saving your perfect baby boy.
- Fucking whoever is messing with us.
What's with all the goddamned racket? Your mother's sleeping off a quart.
Numbnuts lost my kid.
Jesus.
A fucking human being, Larry? OK, listen up.
Typical.
Family meeting and no one tells me.
This is my house too, you know? Shut the hole where the retard noises come from.
You are rubber and I am glue.
Hey! Something, something, fuck off, Dick.
Will you focus the fuck on what I'm saying.
Our future is at stake here.
The key to the fucking Fitzpatrick legacy.
You're right, sir, and by golly we will get our rightful heir and son of a Fitz back! I'm talking about the dealership.
I don't care about the kid.
We lost Meghan for two weeks once.
Oh Daddy, you'll never lose me.
See? Kids are like the herp.
They always come back.
Now, gimme the dough from the brothel scam.
I'll take care of our debt and get the dealership back.
We'll worry about the kid later.
Yeah, and do not fear! Josh said he stashed the money in a safe place.
(in unison) Fuck!! Josh! Where are you, Fitzpatrick? Aha! You stashed the loot up the kid's ass? Gross, no.
I put it in his diaper.
It's perfect, right? Who's that little guy gonna tell? You lost the baby and the money? I am ssss, so sorry.
How are we gonna pay the loan back now, dick-clot? Wait! Dirty diapers! Yes! Oh, oh God! Oh no! (groans) Yeah, I changed the kid's diaper late last night before I stashed the cash.
And you didn't think to mention that? (laughs) Pack your shit and hit the bricks.
Wha-What did I do?! Useless Fuck! Jimmy and his guys are animals.
If we don't come up with that cash, we not going to make it to cocktail hour.
Don't get your panties in a knot.
I'll take care of this.
Just like I always do.
Don't worry, sir.
We'll find that poor, defenseless Fitzlet.
Or that child's name isn't We should really think of a name for that child.
Hey, fellas.
The ah, dishes are done.
Hey! You do not speak unless you are spoken to whatever your name is.
Bruce.
I keep telling you, mate.
What is he saying? I don't understand, what he's saying? It is as if he has marbles in his mouth.
Now cousin, as your elder - Ah, but I am your elder now.
That is nonsense.
Much-sense.
Consult our falsified passports.
Fine.
Our passports.
They're gone.
Somebody has stolen our stolen identities! Bruce the Dishwasher.
Oh.
Because something goes missing it must be our illegal alien laborer? Verrry interesting.
Oh, can I help you fellow North American citizen? We need to help each other.
What do you mean, broseph? You know.
And you know what I know.
And I know that.
Cousin.
The sickly, bleached guinea pig is a prosecutor of the law.
Play along.
We will scratch your back as much as you would like.
A vigorous back scratching.
We're both after the same thing.
The illegal alien? Exactly.
If you see him or anyone like him - or anyone named Fitzpatrick - then you telecommunicate with me.
I'll do the same.
Here's my numeric sequence.
It's been a pleasure, gentlemen.
At last, a white devil that talks sense.
( ) Devon.
Ali.
It's Fitz.
Look, I'm just uh, checking in.
About - uh - you know - parenting stuff.
Look call me.
Now.
Where the hell is she? Really Larry, a lost baby poster! What the hell are you thinking? Uh, about finding the lost baby? Competition finds out you lost the kid, our family angle is in the shitter; and Devon - I'll never hear the end of it from that broad.
Yeah, she might be upset that we misplaced her child.
That she abandoned.
Who'd want to take a kid? Well, most kidnappings are perpetrated by someone known to the victim.
Be it wives, ex-wives, jealous lovers He's three months old.
Well, we know that your family doesn't want him.
And the only other place you take him is to that bar.
Hawking the baby on the black market was the Ruptals' idea.
Fuck, Larry.
It's those carpet bombing mother-fucks.
You're welcome.
(vacuum) Why is everything so clean? Since when do we have a vacuum? Where the fuck is my yogilates mat? (gasp) What.
The.
Da-dee!! What is it now? You know how long it takes me to squeeze out a piss these days? There was a vacuum there.
And now there's not.
And look, someone cleaned.
Fuck.
It's the gay mob all over again.
The mob does floors? It's a warning From Jimmy and his goons.
If they don't get that scratch, it's gonna be a fight to remember.
Just like the good old days.
Wait, what? They were in the house? Goons? They might hurt me.
They might even rape me! They don't hire blind goons, moron.
Ok, so what's the plan.
Am I playing respectful cop or understanding cop? Should we just grab the baby and run, or should we get an appetizer first? What the fuck? Limpdick.
I should have known.
Ahoy-hoy, gentlemen.
Tis I, your fearless captain.
Of the S.
S.
Batshit? Very droll, earthling, but it is dreams which fill this vessel's sails as it tacks among the stars.
You fucking nut bar.
You were always obsessed with that kid.
Gimme my son! You lost the communications device? Pardon me.
You probably know it better by its Earth name.
Your bay-bee.
I need it to reestablish a link to the aliens to let them know I'm ready for pickup.
Open the short bus or I'll do it with what's left of your fucking head.
Yeah, hang on, Baby! Uncle Larry's coming! Oh wow! That is a lot of crazy Ali Devon?! Oh hi Larry.
You let him kidnap you too? Quick question fellas.
On a scale from three to seventeen, how much does a taser hurt? (zap) Awwww! The wheels on the kidnapper's van don't go round and round cause spaceships don't have wheels, they have hover fields, all the live long day.
Everybody - Pssst.
Hey, don't worry.
For a brain-damaged psychopath, he's actually pretty nice, well except for the whole kidnapping thing.
Wow, you're full-on Stockholm.
Could be.
It has been a while since I've seen daylight.
And I'm happy to see you, which makes zero sense.
It makes perfect sense.
He can lead us to the communication device.
Your bay-bee.
Fuck.
So, Chester.
How exactly do you communicate with the aliens via a little baby? That's crazy talk.
Aliens communicate by sending messages in DNA protein.
The baby is just a homing beacon.
Uh huh.
Right.
What the fuck? While we're on the subject, Richard has really turned the corner and he is one heck of a dad now.
Oh, wow that is so nice to hear.
I mean that's why I left our son with him.
Sure I was on a downward spiral of self-loathing and crippling postpartum depression but I always knew that Fitz would grow into becoming a father.
Don't say anything about your dick.
Fine then you say something about it Or better yet, do something about it.
It is right here.
A-hem.
How about we control our baser urges in front of Larry and focus on finding the lost baby.
Lost baby? Our baby? Not lost.
We think someone took him.
Hello? If anything happens to my baby, I will fucking kill you! Quit fighting or, so help me Zorth, I will turn this spaceship around and drive us off a cliff.
Just kidding.
Maybe.
That's it! Work your body, work your body bitch ow! Motherfucker! Who the fuck took my anal bleach? I can't believe it.
(gasp) Aghhhh! Jimmy.
What the fuck? Where's my threatening call? I've been waiting all day.
Aw, sorry, Ken.
Was I supposed to shake you down? And lay off the Molly Maid warning schtick.
I'm good for the cash.
I didn't send anyone.
Rico's in for varicose vein treatment all week.
I'll get to it.
It's time we meet face to face, fucktard, and I better pay up by tonight, or else.
Come on, show some goddamn respect for your craft.
I saw something in the bathroom, Daddy.
Someone was in there.
Showtime! Ha ha ha ha! Right on time.
Now you sit tight while I go find the baby-beacon.
Then why do you need us? I don't.
Except Ali.
Who's to become my celestial bride.
Either that or they'll turn her into a coat.
The overlords weren't a hundred per cent clear on that.
Oh Chester.
There's something I have to tell you.
I am an alien.
And I have hid the key to the spaceship.
I knew there was something off about you You're a liar! Aliens don't use keys.
They unlock things with star fruit.
Right.
Right.
Of course.
Of course uh You have passed my test, earthling and have proven you are worthy to traipse among the stars.
You don't need a kid to signal the ship.
You can use a signal fire.
Scratch that.
You're a horrible liar.
But it's not a bad idea Are you fucking kidding me, a signal fire? What the fuck is wrong with you? A warehouse inferno will make an excellent signal fire.
(groans) Sorry.
What's that smell? It's gasoline, taint-licker.
Any final requests? Sinatra? (phone rings) Well, can can I answer my phone? I can't trust you to do that.
Ahoy-hoy.
Come to fifteen-fifteen Commercial Avenue.
Did you hear that? You sit tight and I'll be back real soon, okay? Toodles.
Um, aren't I your celestial bride? Oh silly, you can't burn a star.
(maniacal laughter) Well that was close.
Fuck! Gotcha, you creepy, peepy, fuck! Now! Hands Up! Ah! Don't shoot! Woah! You're not the fucking mob.
I'm sorry Mr.
F.
You said I was useless and then I got stoned, and then I started dusting and now I can't stop every time I smoke a bowl.
You sick fuck.
I know.
I'm cleaning the fucking grout between tiles, man.
You gotta help me.
I've been hiding in here taking naps so I can clean around the clock.
Do something, Daddy.
Get your shit out of here.
Of course sir.
Not you, her.
He's taking your room.
What?! You can't do that.
At least the hippie fuck pulls his weight around here.
(gasps) What.
You wanna be roomies? Don't touch me! Oh, just a little to the left.
Oh yeah! Richard, now is not the time! If I get through this rope, I'm going to chew it off and make you choke on it.
Don't you gang up on me.
Piss! What'd you run out of insults? No, Larry, piss.
On the fire.
Buy us some time.
Richard, I could never.
In front of a lady? Oh right.
Because letting me burn to death would be the gentlemanly thing to do? Fine.
I hate urinating on demand.
Piss, you little bitch, piss! Oh I never.
So much fire, so little pee.
Just put it in your pants.
Hey wait up.
Thanks Larry, middle of fucking nowhere.
What if they hurt him? I swear to God Fitz, if there is one scratch on that baby - Ali, believe me, Richard cares about that baby just as much as you do.
Yeah.
Little fucker stole my money.
I need it to buy the dealership back.
You see? He doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself.
You know I have been down this road before and look where it got me.
Miss Devon.
Wait.
I think Richard's acting up because he feels abandoned by his mother, his father, his son.
And now you leaving makes it worse.
Yeah, yeah what he said.
Are you kidding? You wanna know why everyone abandons you, Fitz? Because you deserve it.
You want to know how this ends? Listen close you fuck 'cause here's the punch line.
Your liver gives out, your father's heart finally implodes and no one takes over your low-rent dealership when your cold rotting carcasses hit the ground.
Reckon you could all use a lift? Name's Bruce.
I have located the missing alien.
He's at 1515 Commercial Avenue.
Do not approach the beacon.
Only I can decode the Master's protein-DNA.
The one sane white devil has stopped making sense.
But, cousin?! We may have located Bruce.
And our passports? We'll soon find out.
( ) Time to find out whose fucking with my dealership.
Where the fuck is Jimmy? Who's asking? Ken fucking Fitzpatrick.
Don't hurt me.
You're Jimmy? What kind of fucking muscle are you? I'm not.
My nana says I'm skinny fat.
Where are the leg breakers? The knee cappers? Am I speaking Mexican? It wasn't even my money.
Some guy he hired me to loan you that cash.
Said he didn't even want it back.
Who? Who motherfucker?! Master, is it you? What is this chicanery? Where is Bruce?! Is that? Bruce.
Where is my pipe bomb? Glove box.
Our passports.
Cousin! We have made a grievous error.
Racial profiling does solve everything! We have found our passports! Open up! Deliver your protein message to me, leader.
I'm ready.
Sorry for all the cloak and dagger.
Wanted to avoid any unnecessary press.
Yuri.
Special special Assistant.
To who? Whom.
Ahh.
(bay gurgles happily) The beacon! (baby cries) Give me back my kid.
It's ok, honey.
Mommy's here! Who the fuck are you? Nooooooooooo!