Catastrophe (2015) s04e03 Episode Script
Season 4, Episode 3
1 - Ohh! - What Sort of miss the neck brace.
It was like a powerful turtleneck.
You looked like Robert Redford in 'The Way We Were'.
- Well, should I get a cravat? - (SHE LAUGHS) Well, you can't just go from brace to nothing! (THEY LAUGH) So, all good? Yeah.
I got the all-clear.
Got the clean - full bill of health.
- (SHE LAUGHS) You know, she even said that my weight loss has made my penis look bigger.
- (SHE SCOFFS) - (HE CHUCKLES) Did you tell her about the bed sweats? - Yeah.
She wasn't worried about that.
- Really?! Did you tell her how it soaks the whole bed now? Did she not think that's weird and gross? She didn't use those words.
Did you show her the brown thing that just grew on your leg? Ah, first of all, it's beige, and, ah Does it bother you that I've been declared healthy? No, it doesn't bother me that you're healthy It's great.
It's just interesting that you could spend 40 years inhaling sausage rolls and get rewarded with a clean bill of health.
That's you know, whatever good for you.
You should get a check-up.
I'm fine.
Oh, are you, now? I mean, you look fine, but could be a mess in there.
(HE LAUGHS AND SNORTS) - What are you laughing at? - No, I'm just thinking, you know, one day each of us is gonna go to the doctor and be told, "I have extremely bad news.
" Jesus Christ! You know, I think I'm gonna train for a 10-K.
- Do you wanna join me? - No.
- Why? - Because you fart when you run.
Well, if you ran faster, you wouldn't have to huff 'em, slowpoke.
"Slowpoke"? Oh, my God! I totally run faster than you.
Mm, no, you don't.
This is ridiculous! It's just silly.
I'm wearing heels.
And carrying a bag.
Wasn't even trying.
- Now I'm trying! - I had no idea I was so healthy.
I'm thinking about competing in a Masters Tournament or something.
I don't think you qualify for Masters Tournaments just by being old.
I think you also have to be good at a sport.
Well, their loss.
I had the full check-up myself, few weeks back.
Tanya wants to start trying for a baby.
I figured if I do it right now, immediately, then there's probably just enough time for me to watch it grow up before I run out of steam.
If someone hiccups, I'm fucked.
- Wow! Now, why would you do that? - 'Cause she wants a baby.
I already tried to tell her, "do it with somebody younger", but she likes me.
And, you know, she's got a good career, and her folks have money, so you know, if I get Alzheimer's or assassinated, - then having the wee one she'd be all set.
- Mm.
- You've really thought this through.
- Plus, Tanya's on board for all my sexual proclivities, and that is not a given - for every woman I meet.
- Huh! Tell me about it! Dave and I'll start a prayer circle for you.
No, no.
I support older dads.
I mean, I'm in my late 40s.
I've just had a baby.
Um, know I'm not as old as you, but I'm the same age as you, arsehole.
Really?! Oh! Hey, that reminds me.
Got something to show you.
(HE SIGHS) Oh, is that what we're eating right now? (BOTH LAUGH) No! That is Mr Barnaby Honeypot Daphne's new pony.
Did you ride it here? Is it tied to a post out front? No! It's on our farm! Oh! We bought a farm in Kent.
Yeah.
I bought it because I don't want Daphne getting stabbed to death in London.
Huh! I'm such a dad now! (HE LAUGHS) Actually, we're going down this weekend.
Do you guys wanna come? You can bring the kids.
- Fuck, yeah.
- I can't this weekend.
Tanya and I are taking some mushrooms and going to a Renaissance fair in Norfolk.
What? I mean, I feel pretty healthy.
I feel good, except for the peeing myself thing.
I mean, it used to just happen when I was trampolining, and now it's just whenever.
As needed.
- Is there anything we could do about that? - God, no.
We're probably closer to curing cancer than figuring out how the hell mothers not - pee when they don't want to.
(INHALES DEEPLY) - Oh.
So, we've got your tests back.
Er, I'm afraid your cholesterol level is quite high - for a woman your age.
- Are you sure? - My cholesterol feels fine.
- Also, your bloods are indicating a high level of fat around your organs, uh, and, I have to say, - your mobility isn't great.
- What? What does that mean? Er, you couldn't touch your toes earlier.
Some people just can't do that.
I mean, it's like wiggling your ears - or moon-walking.
- But the good news is, your weight is within the healthy limit for your age and height.
So you're saying the package is the right size, - but what's inside is just shit? - No.
You're saying if you took a normal-size mannequin and filled it with meatballs and margarine, that'd be me? - That's not what I'm saying.
- Well, medically that is exactly what you're saying.
Fine.
Just never thought of myself as unhealthy before, 'cause I'm, you know, a runner.
- How are you a runner? - (KNOCK AT DOOR) Used to run cross-country at uni.
Yeah.
I mean, I used to build pillow forts, it doesn't mean I'm currently an architect.
Yeah, but muscle memory! Hey! - We goin' ravin'? - No, running.
Oh right, so I'm baby-sittin' so you can go runnin'? - Yeah.
- Fair enough.
You know, you should be careful.
My uncle Kevin, right, he started runnin' when he was your age, like, 60 or whatever.
He did one run and collapsed and died.
Well, that's unlikely to happen.
Older people are better off standin' still, I think.
Like, you get to a certain age and you start exercisin', you shake bad stuff loose and it gets in your bloodstream and it poisons ya, and you just drop dead straight away.
- Okay.
See you about half seven, Anna.
- Thank you.
How far was that? Uh, 2.
3 miles! - What? Miles? Well, bloody hell! - Yeah! - Yeah.
- That's good.
- Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
- We'll get a Tube back, though, right? (MOTORBIKE ENGINE REVVING) So fuckin' dangerous.
What if a kid ran out? Tell him to slow down.
(QUIETLY) Slow down.
Argh! Oh! - Agh! Oh, God, my eyes - What just happened?! - Agh! Oh, my God, it's acid! - What?! - Argh! Oh, argh!, Argh! - Rob! Rob! Oh, wait It tastes like juice.
It No, it's ju it's just juice.
Argh! - Oh! Oh.
- Bloody hell! - That was a bit dramatic! - Oh, really?! Well, you didn't just have acidic juice shot in your face.
Fuckin' hell! - Do you wanna start running with me? - Not really.
Why? Because I've got fatty organs, and Rob won't run with me anymore 'cause he's scared of London.
I don't wanna join a gym 'cause the mirrors.
- And the people.
- Oh, and the smell.
It's like every breath you take has wiggled its way through 20 pairs of sweaty buttocks.
Do you want to come to military fitness - in the park with me? - Yeah, yeah, sure.
- Uh, how-how do I do that? Do I - (PHONE BEEPS) (PHONE CONTINUES TO BEEP) Fran, I'll call you back, okay? What's up? Are you all right? Yeah, I'm just calling to check that you're okay.
- Have you seen the news? - No.
Why? There was an incident in town.
A guy drove a car into a crowd of people in front of the M&M store.
No, that was me.
I wanted some M&Ms and I forgot my purse.
Honey, a guy died, okay? There was a stampede.
It's very upsetting! Yeah, I tell you what's upsetting, is you thought I was at the M&M store.
All right.
Well, just stay away from that whole area.
What about Kinder Egg Village? Can I go there? (BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY) - (SHE GASPS) - (HE STRAINS) - (RIPPING AND UNZIPPING) - (SHE GASPS AND SIGHS) (BOTH GRUNT) (SHE GASPS) (BOTH GRUNT) - Fuck! No! - (HE PANTS) (BOTH PANTING AND GRUNTING) (BOTH GRUNT AND MOAN) Aah! (SHE GASPS) (BOTH EXHALE DEEPLY) (BOTH PANT) (HE GRUNTS) (HE BREATHES HEAVILY) - Same time next week.
- See you then.
Goodbye, Douglas.
Don't say my name.
Welcome to paradise! (HE LAUGHS) Wow! (HE LAUGHS) Mwah! Through here we have the, uh, kitchen garden.
Every vegetable you could ever need er, carrots, baby carrots, - purple carrots - Cool! And this is what sealed the deal when we were viewing the place.
Ha! - A sewer.
- No, man! It's a bunker! Ah! (HE SIGHS) - You wanna get in? - Oh, no.
I try never to go in holes.
Caves, holes, tubes - Not really my scene.
- Well, you might wanna think about it, with the state of the world these days.
I mean, if you have a family, you really should have a bunker.
It's something to consider.
(SHE LAUGHS) We're not getting a bunker! (BABY GURGLES) So, do you have Daphne strapped to you all the time? - Sure.
- How do you shower? Oh, I have a waterproof one.
- (SHE LAUGHS) - Huh? Dave's a very involved parent.
There's really not much for me to do, outside of flopping out the odd tit.
(CHUCKLING) Hey, it is a pleasure and a privilege.
Oh, I love being a dad! It is the highest high of all.
Am I right? I dunno.
I mean, I feel like having kids is like strapping yourself to a Formula 1 race car.
You know, boom! Your life is over.
But not in a bad way.
Yeah.
You just have to take everything you ever wanted and put it in a box, because you never But, yeah.
It's great, you know? So, you think this could become like a permanent move? - Oh, yeah.
- No.
Nn-nn.
Well, I-I-I dunno.
I-I-I dunno if I want Daphne growing up in London.
I mean, you slip on a banana peel there, go to the emergency room, takes you six hours to get seen because of all the knife victims lying around bleeding out all over the floors.
Everyone at this table, including you, knows that's not true.
I dunno.
I mean, when I was attacked - With juice.
- I - with what we now know was juice - Well, we figured it out pretty fast.
All right.
Well, outside I was screaming, but inside, I was just, like, "Oh, right.
Now this.
" You know? It's like there's this low-level feeling of menace there that, you know, we've all gotten used to, but that I never really noticed - before the attack.
- It was juice! Look, I don't care if my face gets melted, - you know? I'm married.
- Hang on.
I I care if your face gets melted.
- I have to look at you.
- Well, no.
All I'm saying is, I care more if our kids' faces get melted, you know? I don't want my kids' faces to get melted.
That's all I'm saying.
Why'd you buy your baby a pony? What? So, Chris and the buxom ingénue went away for the weekend.
Jeffrey chose to stay with his friend Toby instead of me, - which I found devastating.
- Hm.
So, that's something you've got to look forward to when your kids get older, and they throw you out in the rubbish, with the coffee grounds and the fish heads.
He'll come back to you.
- It's probably just a phase, right? - Yeah.
Anyway, got my volunteer work.
Got my loom.
Douglas is keeping me occupied texting me.
Like an eager puppy since we started our little game.
- A puppy with a throbbing human penis.
- Ah, Jesus, Fran! It's all a bit Apple Tree Yard, isn't it? So? (EXHALES) The sex is, like (GRUNTS) Everything about him, I mean physically, is just Even his scrotum's attractive.
How can you say that? The scrotum's a design flaw.
You ask ten women what the worst thing they saw in their life was, for eight of them it'll be scrotum-related.
Well, I like what I like.
- I don't follow the herd.
- Right, girls, we like to talk! Green 12, squat jumps the length of the cones.
Green 7, you can skip.
All right? - Engage your core while you skip.
- What? Engage your core! - Yeah.
- Yeah? Flex it! - Tighten it! - I am! - Fucking hell! - Can you make it harder than that? - No! - Okay.
Green 12 you can start skipping.
Green 7, burpees.
(SHE GRUNTS) (SHE GRUNTS AND BREATHES HEAVILY) What are you doing? Why are you taking photos? - For my Facebook page.
- Well, hang on.
Just let me (BREATHLESSLY) Okay.
Uh, his face was blurry 'cause he was on a moped, - and, you know, I had juice in my eyes.
- Right.
And and I don't wanna sound bigoted, but he was brown.
Um, Mediterranean brown, not, like, Muslim brown.
Um, I mean, I can't say that he wasn't Muslim, but I don't care.
You know, that's not my angle.
Um, is there a statute of limitations for a crime like this? Well, I'm more comfortable calling it a prank.
All right.
Well, whatever you wanna file it under.
Uh, I think I'm gonna file it under juice.
It was juice this time.
I mean, I think it could've been a rehearsal, uh, you know, pre-calculated.
I think it might've been a rehearsal for a bigger plan.
You know, they did that for 9/11.
- Do you work in security? - No.
Pharmaceuticals.
- (HE SLURPS) - Hey! What are you doing? I just saw one of those guys from the house next door - that you were worried about.
- What guys? When was I worried about them? Don't you think there's something up with them? I mean, who are they? It's a gang of guys living together.
They're not gay.
- How do you know they're not gay? - I've never seen 'em do one gay thing! - Have you ever seen 'em kiss? - Have they ever seen us kiss? Okay.
Here's the thing.
They come and they go.
They have that bright fluorescent light on all the time.
Okay.
Tell me what do you think they're doing in there? I've narrowed it down to two possibilities, okay? It's either a weed farm house, or they're making weapons.
Oh, my God! You need to stop this.
We have to be vigilant.
I reported my attack today to the police, and they didn't seem to take it seriously at all.
- No shit.
- Yeah.
You know, we should think about something like Dave's setup.
I mean, obviously a bunker's insane, but maybe a panic room.
And, you know, n-not not a full panic room, but maybe some Kevlar curtains, - and a, you know, soundproofing.
- Oh, my God! - What? - Jesus, that pisses me off! Look at the state of me! - You look fine! - Oh, great.
Great.
Now I can never trust anything you say ever again.
What the f! What's a Baba Yaga? It's like a Russian folklore monster.
It's a thing that lives in the woods and eats kids.
Why are you reading about Baba Yaga? I'm not.
I'm reading a comment under a picture of me.
- Why am I purple? - Someone put a purple filter on me.
Ah, come on! (THEY LAUGH) Hey, buddy, you're back! - Hey, Dad.
- Hi, Jeffrey.
Yo.
If you're hungry, there's halloumi burgers here.
No, thanks.
I've eaten my halloumi for the year.
(CLEARS HIS THROAT) How was the show? My friend LaVar saw it tonight.
He said it was terrific.
Really? Well, we had to use two understudies, and one of them improvised the entire second act, and it tanked.
So, who's full of shit, you or LaVar? Jeffrey! (HE SCOFFS) I'm going to bed.
(MELLOW BACKGROUND MUSIC PLAYS) That was rude! Look, I'm sorry things are different.
I'm sorry your mum and I split up, but we were unhappy, and we didn't want you to be around that.
I was fine.
And you guys might have been miserable, but at least you were miserable in one place, our home.
Now you're just miserable in two places.
I'm not miserable.
Well, you will be, because there's no way that that is gonna last.
She'll get bored of having an old-man boyfriend and leave you, and then you go running back to Mum and she won't take you back, then the next thing you'll know, you'll be 50, bald, and alone.
I'm gonna be 50 in November.
How am I gonna go bald that fast? Are you gonna hold me down to shave my head? I mean, I know you're angry, but I will press charges.
Don't you fucking think that I won't.
(THEY LAUGH) Come here.
I think, Green 10, if for the rest of the day you wanna join beginners, all right? Got a blue bib.
I'm not a beginner at working out.
I'm gonna stay with my friend.
Okay, but it's not about killing yourself though.
Yeah, it's about doing your best, working up a sweat, having fun.
I'm not here to have fun.
I'm here to get rid of the fat around my organs, and I'm not joining beginners, okay? - That's humiliating.
- You puked behind the tree earlier.
Let's just see how you get on at a lighter pace.
All right, we don't want you having a heart attack.
Fuck this.
Seriously fuck this pretend-army bullshit.
Let's go, Fran.
I've paid for a block of classes, so I'll be staying.
And you know what? You can take down those photos that you put up of me on your website, - because I did not agree to those.
- You posed for 'em.
Yeah, because I didn't know you'd be using them to humiliate me, did I? Manipulating them, putting - joke filters on there! - I didn't put filter on them.
Well, somebody put some sort of purple filter on there, okay? Like, "Ha, ha, ha.
Look at this idiot, gettin' ready to have a heart attack!" Look, I know this is tough, okay? But that's what we're here for.
You can do this.
Six weeks ago, Suzy was in the same shape as you.
Look at her now.
Will you take the photos down? Will you at least disable comments? - - (SHE SIGHS) (BREATHES EMOTIONALLY) Called my mum yesterday.
She told me two of my aunties died of heart disease.
Well, you're Irish, so, what have you, like, 85 aunts? If only two of 'em died of heart disease, it's pretty good.
Yeah, but what about my dad? He died young.
Well, honey, he he was 70.
That is 70?! That's nothing these days.
It's like dying in your 40s.
My parents had me in their 30s.
I had my dad all my adult life.
He knew his grand-kids, sort of.
If I die in my 70s, my kids will barely be 30.
They won't have had kids.
No way, not millennials.
They don't give a shit about anyone.
(SCOFFS) Well, you can't think like that.
I mean, maybe Frankie'll get a girl pregnant when he's 17.
Well, that would be terrible.
Would it? I mean, you'd get to know your grand-kids longer, so I'm just sayin', nobody knows what's gonna happen.
I just wanna live a decent while.
That's all.
I don't want my heart to pack in.
Your heart's not gonna pack in.
And, if it does, I'll defibrillate you.
It's not even a big deal these days.
Promise? (SHE CHUCKLES) - Okay.
(SHE CHUCKLES) - (HE COOS) Oh, shit! Fuck! I forgot! Got you somethin'.
(SHE CHUCKLES) - Aww! - I miss the neck brace.
- Do you like it? Try it on! - Yeah.
(SHE LAUGHS) Take it off.
(SHE CHUCKLES) Seriously, you look like a fisherman simpleton.
Oh! Ohh! (HE LAUGHS) I look like I'm gonna try and sell you a home-made Mooncup - out of the back of my Subaru.
- (SHE LAUGHS) You look like a you look like a college poetry teacher who tells girls he invented the "Me Too" hashtag.
(BOTH LAUGH) I look like, um, one of those Dutch guys, you know? - Who? Who? - Who ride the thing.
- No.
Which No.
- You know, they Well, I can't think of the, um Anyway, it doesn't matter.
(BOTH CHUCKLE) (HE FARTS) - That's the guy.
- What? - That's the guy who attacked me.
- What are you doin'? Hey! Hey, asshole - who squirted juice in my face.
- Who you calling arsehole? I'm calling an asshole an asshole.
- Whoa! - You can't touch me.
I'm 13.
What? Really? Well, you're pretty tall for 13.
Maybe you should've thought of that before you did your acidic-juice attack.
What are you doing? You're still on probation.
- Plus they're children.
- Well, I realise that now.
- Uh, just gonna scare 'em.
- Wait - (QUIETLY) Oh, fuck! - You know I dunno where the heck you get off Yer! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, yeah.
Yeah, good one! All right, well, guess what? I'm not scared this time, because I know that it's What is that pineapple juice? (HE SCOFFS) What, are you a baby? Why don't you drink an adult juice? - (THEY LAUGH) - Yeah, whatever, man.
Let's go.
- Did you scare them? - They'll remember me.
- (MUSIC: CATASTROPHE THEME BY OLI JULIAN)
It was like a powerful turtleneck.
You looked like Robert Redford in 'The Way We Were'.
- Well, should I get a cravat? - (SHE LAUGHS) Well, you can't just go from brace to nothing! (THEY LAUGH) So, all good? Yeah.
I got the all-clear.
Got the clean - full bill of health.
- (SHE LAUGHS) You know, she even said that my weight loss has made my penis look bigger.
- (SHE SCOFFS) - (HE CHUCKLES) Did you tell her about the bed sweats? - Yeah.
She wasn't worried about that.
- Really?! Did you tell her how it soaks the whole bed now? Did she not think that's weird and gross? She didn't use those words.
Did you show her the brown thing that just grew on your leg? Ah, first of all, it's beige, and, ah Does it bother you that I've been declared healthy? No, it doesn't bother me that you're healthy It's great.
It's just interesting that you could spend 40 years inhaling sausage rolls and get rewarded with a clean bill of health.
That's you know, whatever good for you.
You should get a check-up.
I'm fine.
Oh, are you, now? I mean, you look fine, but could be a mess in there.
(HE LAUGHS AND SNORTS) - What are you laughing at? - No, I'm just thinking, you know, one day each of us is gonna go to the doctor and be told, "I have extremely bad news.
" Jesus Christ! You know, I think I'm gonna train for a 10-K.
- Do you wanna join me? - No.
- Why? - Because you fart when you run.
Well, if you ran faster, you wouldn't have to huff 'em, slowpoke.
"Slowpoke"? Oh, my God! I totally run faster than you.
Mm, no, you don't.
This is ridiculous! It's just silly.
I'm wearing heels.
And carrying a bag.
Wasn't even trying.
- Now I'm trying! - I had no idea I was so healthy.
I'm thinking about competing in a Masters Tournament or something.
I don't think you qualify for Masters Tournaments just by being old.
I think you also have to be good at a sport.
Well, their loss.
I had the full check-up myself, few weeks back.
Tanya wants to start trying for a baby.
I figured if I do it right now, immediately, then there's probably just enough time for me to watch it grow up before I run out of steam.
If someone hiccups, I'm fucked.
- Wow! Now, why would you do that? - 'Cause she wants a baby.
I already tried to tell her, "do it with somebody younger", but she likes me.
And, you know, she's got a good career, and her folks have money, so you know, if I get Alzheimer's or assassinated, - then having the wee one she'd be all set.
- Mm.
- You've really thought this through.
- Plus, Tanya's on board for all my sexual proclivities, and that is not a given - for every woman I meet.
- Huh! Tell me about it! Dave and I'll start a prayer circle for you.
No, no.
I support older dads.
I mean, I'm in my late 40s.
I've just had a baby.
Um, know I'm not as old as you, but I'm the same age as you, arsehole.
Really?! Oh! Hey, that reminds me.
Got something to show you.
(HE SIGHS) Oh, is that what we're eating right now? (BOTH LAUGH) No! That is Mr Barnaby Honeypot Daphne's new pony.
Did you ride it here? Is it tied to a post out front? No! It's on our farm! Oh! We bought a farm in Kent.
Yeah.
I bought it because I don't want Daphne getting stabbed to death in London.
Huh! I'm such a dad now! (HE LAUGHS) Actually, we're going down this weekend.
Do you guys wanna come? You can bring the kids.
- Fuck, yeah.
- I can't this weekend.
Tanya and I are taking some mushrooms and going to a Renaissance fair in Norfolk.
What? I mean, I feel pretty healthy.
I feel good, except for the peeing myself thing.
I mean, it used to just happen when I was trampolining, and now it's just whenever.
As needed.
- Is there anything we could do about that? - God, no.
We're probably closer to curing cancer than figuring out how the hell mothers not - pee when they don't want to.
(INHALES DEEPLY) - Oh.
So, we've got your tests back.
Er, I'm afraid your cholesterol level is quite high - for a woman your age.
- Are you sure? - My cholesterol feels fine.
- Also, your bloods are indicating a high level of fat around your organs, uh, and, I have to say, - your mobility isn't great.
- What? What does that mean? Er, you couldn't touch your toes earlier.
Some people just can't do that.
I mean, it's like wiggling your ears - or moon-walking.
- But the good news is, your weight is within the healthy limit for your age and height.
So you're saying the package is the right size, - but what's inside is just shit? - No.
You're saying if you took a normal-size mannequin and filled it with meatballs and margarine, that'd be me? - That's not what I'm saying.
- Well, medically that is exactly what you're saying.
Fine.
Just never thought of myself as unhealthy before, 'cause I'm, you know, a runner.
- How are you a runner? - (KNOCK AT DOOR) Used to run cross-country at uni.
Yeah.
I mean, I used to build pillow forts, it doesn't mean I'm currently an architect.
Yeah, but muscle memory! Hey! - We goin' ravin'? - No, running.
Oh right, so I'm baby-sittin' so you can go runnin'? - Yeah.
- Fair enough.
You know, you should be careful.
My uncle Kevin, right, he started runnin' when he was your age, like, 60 or whatever.
He did one run and collapsed and died.
Well, that's unlikely to happen.
Older people are better off standin' still, I think.
Like, you get to a certain age and you start exercisin', you shake bad stuff loose and it gets in your bloodstream and it poisons ya, and you just drop dead straight away.
- Okay.
See you about half seven, Anna.
- Thank you.
How far was that? Uh, 2.
3 miles! - What? Miles? Well, bloody hell! - Yeah! - Yeah.
- That's good.
- Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
- We'll get a Tube back, though, right? (MOTORBIKE ENGINE REVVING) So fuckin' dangerous.
What if a kid ran out? Tell him to slow down.
(QUIETLY) Slow down.
Argh! Oh! - Agh! Oh, God, my eyes - What just happened?! - Agh! Oh, my God, it's acid! - What?! - Argh! Oh, argh!, Argh! - Rob! Rob! Oh, wait It tastes like juice.
It No, it's ju it's just juice.
Argh! - Oh! Oh.
- Bloody hell! - That was a bit dramatic! - Oh, really?! Well, you didn't just have acidic juice shot in your face.
Fuckin' hell! - Do you wanna start running with me? - Not really.
Why? Because I've got fatty organs, and Rob won't run with me anymore 'cause he's scared of London.
I don't wanna join a gym 'cause the mirrors.
- And the people.
- Oh, and the smell.
It's like every breath you take has wiggled its way through 20 pairs of sweaty buttocks.
Do you want to come to military fitness - in the park with me? - Yeah, yeah, sure.
- Uh, how-how do I do that? Do I - (PHONE BEEPS) (PHONE CONTINUES TO BEEP) Fran, I'll call you back, okay? What's up? Are you all right? Yeah, I'm just calling to check that you're okay.
- Have you seen the news? - No.
Why? There was an incident in town.
A guy drove a car into a crowd of people in front of the M&M store.
No, that was me.
I wanted some M&Ms and I forgot my purse.
Honey, a guy died, okay? There was a stampede.
It's very upsetting! Yeah, I tell you what's upsetting, is you thought I was at the M&M store.
All right.
Well, just stay away from that whole area.
What about Kinder Egg Village? Can I go there? (BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY) - (SHE GASPS) - (HE STRAINS) - (RIPPING AND UNZIPPING) - (SHE GASPS AND SIGHS) (BOTH GRUNT) (SHE GASPS) (BOTH GRUNT) - Fuck! No! - (HE PANTS) (BOTH PANTING AND GRUNTING) (BOTH GRUNT AND MOAN) Aah! (SHE GASPS) (BOTH EXHALE DEEPLY) (BOTH PANT) (HE GRUNTS) (HE BREATHES HEAVILY) - Same time next week.
- See you then.
Goodbye, Douglas.
Don't say my name.
Welcome to paradise! (HE LAUGHS) Wow! (HE LAUGHS) Mwah! Through here we have the, uh, kitchen garden.
Every vegetable you could ever need er, carrots, baby carrots, - purple carrots - Cool! And this is what sealed the deal when we were viewing the place.
Ha! - A sewer.
- No, man! It's a bunker! Ah! (HE SIGHS) - You wanna get in? - Oh, no.
I try never to go in holes.
Caves, holes, tubes - Not really my scene.
- Well, you might wanna think about it, with the state of the world these days.
I mean, if you have a family, you really should have a bunker.
It's something to consider.
(SHE LAUGHS) We're not getting a bunker! (BABY GURGLES) So, do you have Daphne strapped to you all the time? - Sure.
- How do you shower? Oh, I have a waterproof one.
- (SHE LAUGHS) - Huh? Dave's a very involved parent.
There's really not much for me to do, outside of flopping out the odd tit.
(CHUCKLING) Hey, it is a pleasure and a privilege.
Oh, I love being a dad! It is the highest high of all.
Am I right? I dunno.
I mean, I feel like having kids is like strapping yourself to a Formula 1 race car.
You know, boom! Your life is over.
But not in a bad way.
Yeah.
You just have to take everything you ever wanted and put it in a box, because you never But, yeah.
It's great, you know? So, you think this could become like a permanent move? - Oh, yeah.
- No.
Nn-nn.
Well, I-I-I dunno.
I-I-I dunno if I want Daphne growing up in London.
I mean, you slip on a banana peel there, go to the emergency room, takes you six hours to get seen because of all the knife victims lying around bleeding out all over the floors.
Everyone at this table, including you, knows that's not true.
I dunno.
I mean, when I was attacked - With juice.
- I - with what we now know was juice - Well, we figured it out pretty fast.
All right.
Well, outside I was screaming, but inside, I was just, like, "Oh, right.
Now this.
" You know? It's like there's this low-level feeling of menace there that, you know, we've all gotten used to, but that I never really noticed - before the attack.
- It was juice! Look, I don't care if my face gets melted, - you know? I'm married.
- Hang on.
I I care if your face gets melted.
- I have to look at you.
- Well, no.
All I'm saying is, I care more if our kids' faces get melted, you know? I don't want my kids' faces to get melted.
That's all I'm saying.
Why'd you buy your baby a pony? What? So, Chris and the buxom ingénue went away for the weekend.
Jeffrey chose to stay with his friend Toby instead of me, - which I found devastating.
- Hm.
So, that's something you've got to look forward to when your kids get older, and they throw you out in the rubbish, with the coffee grounds and the fish heads.
He'll come back to you.
- It's probably just a phase, right? - Yeah.
Anyway, got my volunteer work.
Got my loom.
Douglas is keeping me occupied texting me.
Like an eager puppy since we started our little game.
- A puppy with a throbbing human penis.
- Ah, Jesus, Fran! It's all a bit Apple Tree Yard, isn't it? So? (EXHALES) The sex is, like (GRUNTS) Everything about him, I mean physically, is just Even his scrotum's attractive.
How can you say that? The scrotum's a design flaw.
You ask ten women what the worst thing they saw in their life was, for eight of them it'll be scrotum-related.
Well, I like what I like.
- I don't follow the herd.
- Right, girls, we like to talk! Green 12, squat jumps the length of the cones.
Green 7, you can skip.
All right? - Engage your core while you skip.
- What? Engage your core! - Yeah.
- Yeah? Flex it! - Tighten it! - I am! - Fucking hell! - Can you make it harder than that? - No! - Okay.
Green 12 you can start skipping.
Green 7, burpees.
(SHE GRUNTS) (SHE GRUNTS AND BREATHES HEAVILY) What are you doing? Why are you taking photos? - For my Facebook page.
- Well, hang on.
Just let me (BREATHLESSLY) Okay.
Uh, his face was blurry 'cause he was on a moped, - and, you know, I had juice in my eyes.
- Right.
And and I don't wanna sound bigoted, but he was brown.
Um, Mediterranean brown, not, like, Muslim brown.
Um, I mean, I can't say that he wasn't Muslim, but I don't care.
You know, that's not my angle.
Um, is there a statute of limitations for a crime like this? Well, I'm more comfortable calling it a prank.
All right.
Well, whatever you wanna file it under.
Uh, I think I'm gonna file it under juice.
It was juice this time.
I mean, I think it could've been a rehearsal, uh, you know, pre-calculated.
I think it might've been a rehearsal for a bigger plan.
You know, they did that for 9/11.
- Do you work in security? - No.
Pharmaceuticals.
- (HE SLURPS) - Hey! What are you doing? I just saw one of those guys from the house next door - that you were worried about.
- What guys? When was I worried about them? Don't you think there's something up with them? I mean, who are they? It's a gang of guys living together.
They're not gay.
- How do you know they're not gay? - I've never seen 'em do one gay thing! - Have you ever seen 'em kiss? - Have they ever seen us kiss? Okay.
Here's the thing.
They come and they go.
They have that bright fluorescent light on all the time.
Okay.
Tell me what do you think they're doing in there? I've narrowed it down to two possibilities, okay? It's either a weed farm house, or they're making weapons.
Oh, my God! You need to stop this.
We have to be vigilant.
I reported my attack today to the police, and they didn't seem to take it seriously at all.
- No shit.
- Yeah.
You know, we should think about something like Dave's setup.
I mean, obviously a bunker's insane, but maybe a panic room.
And, you know, n-not not a full panic room, but maybe some Kevlar curtains, - and a, you know, soundproofing.
- Oh, my God! - What? - Jesus, that pisses me off! Look at the state of me! - You look fine! - Oh, great.
Great.
Now I can never trust anything you say ever again.
What the f! What's a Baba Yaga? It's like a Russian folklore monster.
It's a thing that lives in the woods and eats kids.
Why are you reading about Baba Yaga? I'm not.
I'm reading a comment under a picture of me.
- Why am I purple? - Someone put a purple filter on me.
Ah, come on! (THEY LAUGH) Hey, buddy, you're back! - Hey, Dad.
- Hi, Jeffrey.
Yo.
If you're hungry, there's halloumi burgers here.
No, thanks.
I've eaten my halloumi for the year.
(CLEARS HIS THROAT) How was the show? My friend LaVar saw it tonight.
He said it was terrific.
Really? Well, we had to use two understudies, and one of them improvised the entire second act, and it tanked.
So, who's full of shit, you or LaVar? Jeffrey! (HE SCOFFS) I'm going to bed.
(MELLOW BACKGROUND MUSIC PLAYS) That was rude! Look, I'm sorry things are different.
I'm sorry your mum and I split up, but we were unhappy, and we didn't want you to be around that.
I was fine.
And you guys might have been miserable, but at least you were miserable in one place, our home.
Now you're just miserable in two places.
I'm not miserable.
Well, you will be, because there's no way that that is gonna last.
She'll get bored of having an old-man boyfriend and leave you, and then you go running back to Mum and she won't take you back, then the next thing you'll know, you'll be 50, bald, and alone.
I'm gonna be 50 in November.
How am I gonna go bald that fast? Are you gonna hold me down to shave my head? I mean, I know you're angry, but I will press charges.
Don't you fucking think that I won't.
(THEY LAUGH) Come here.
I think, Green 10, if for the rest of the day you wanna join beginners, all right? Got a blue bib.
I'm not a beginner at working out.
I'm gonna stay with my friend.
Okay, but it's not about killing yourself though.
Yeah, it's about doing your best, working up a sweat, having fun.
I'm not here to have fun.
I'm here to get rid of the fat around my organs, and I'm not joining beginners, okay? - That's humiliating.
- You puked behind the tree earlier.
Let's just see how you get on at a lighter pace.
All right, we don't want you having a heart attack.
Fuck this.
Seriously fuck this pretend-army bullshit.
Let's go, Fran.
I've paid for a block of classes, so I'll be staying.
And you know what? You can take down those photos that you put up of me on your website, - because I did not agree to those.
- You posed for 'em.
Yeah, because I didn't know you'd be using them to humiliate me, did I? Manipulating them, putting - joke filters on there! - I didn't put filter on them.
Well, somebody put some sort of purple filter on there, okay? Like, "Ha, ha, ha.
Look at this idiot, gettin' ready to have a heart attack!" Look, I know this is tough, okay? But that's what we're here for.
You can do this.
Six weeks ago, Suzy was in the same shape as you.
Look at her now.
Will you take the photos down? Will you at least disable comments? - - (SHE SIGHS) (BREATHES EMOTIONALLY) Called my mum yesterday.
She told me two of my aunties died of heart disease.
Well, you're Irish, so, what have you, like, 85 aunts? If only two of 'em died of heart disease, it's pretty good.
Yeah, but what about my dad? He died young.
Well, honey, he he was 70.
That is 70?! That's nothing these days.
It's like dying in your 40s.
My parents had me in their 30s.
I had my dad all my adult life.
He knew his grand-kids, sort of.
If I die in my 70s, my kids will barely be 30.
They won't have had kids.
No way, not millennials.
They don't give a shit about anyone.
(SCOFFS) Well, you can't think like that.
I mean, maybe Frankie'll get a girl pregnant when he's 17.
Well, that would be terrible.
Would it? I mean, you'd get to know your grand-kids longer, so I'm just sayin', nobody knows what's gonna happen.
I just wanna live a decent while.
That's all.
I don't want my heart to pack in.
Your heart's not gonna pack in.
And, if it does, I'll defibrillate you.
It's not even a big deal these days.
Promise? (SHE CHUCKLES) - Okay.
(SHE CHUCKLES) - (HE COOS) Oh, shit! Fuck! I forgot! Got you somethin'.
(SHE CHUCKLES) - Aww! - I miss the neck brace.
- Do you like it? Try it on! - Yeah.
(SHE LAUGHS) Take it off.
(SHE CHUCKLES) Seriously, you look like a fisherman simpleton.
Oh! Ohh! (HE LAUGHS) I look like I'm gonna try and sell you a home-made Mooncup - out of the back of my Subaru.
- (SHE LAUGHS) You look like a you look like a college poetry teacher who tells girls he invented the "Me Too" hashtag.
(BOTH LAUGH) I look like, um, one of those Dutch guys, you know? - Who? Who? - Who ride the thing.
- No.
Which No.
- You know, they Well, I can't think of the, um Anyway, it doesn't matter.
(BOTH CHUCKLE) (HE FARTS) - That's the guy.
- What? - That's the guy who attacked me.
- What are you doin'? Hey! Hey, asshole - who squirted juice in my face.
- Who you calling arsehole? I'm calling an asshole an asshole.
- Whoa! - You can't touch me.
I'm 13.
What? Really? Well, you're pretty tall for 13.
Maybe you should've thought of that before you did your acidic-juice attack.
What are you doing? You're still on probation.
- Plus they're children.
- Well, I realise that now.
- Uh, just gonna scare 'em.
- Wait - (QUIETLY) Oh, fuck! - You know I dunno where the heck you get off Yer! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, yeah.
Yeah, good one! All right, well, guess what? I'm not scared this time, because I know that it's What is that pineapple juice? (HE SCOFFS) What, are you a baby? Why don't you drink an adult juice? - (THEY LAUGH) - Yeah, whatever, man.
Let's go.
- Did you scare them? - They'll remember me.
- (MUSIC: CATASTROPHE THEME BY OLI JULIAN)