Columbo (1971) s04e03 Episode Script
By Dawn's Early Light
Everybody up! Everybody up! Let's go! Yes? Reveille, sir.
Boodle Boy reporting with morning coffee, sir.
Come in.
Cook hopes the coffee is strong enough and to your liking, sir.
Mmm-hmm.
Um, Miller, isn't it? Jonathan B.
? Yes, sir.
It will be my pleasure to serve the Colonel as Boodle Boy for the next duty period, sir.
Some problems with geometry, Miller? Yes, sir, but my grades are better this quarter, sir.
Work on them, Miller.
Geometry is logic.
And logic is the battlefield of adulthood.
Yes, sir.
Dismissed.
Thank you, sir.
Miller! Sir? What is today, Miller? Sunday, sir.
I mean Founder's Day, sir.
A very special day, wouldn't you say? Yes, sir.
Then how do you explain those shoes, Miller? Those shoes are a disgrace.
Following this morning's ceremonies you will report to my office for discipline.
Yes, sir.
Dismissed.
Good morning, Colonel.
One moment, please.
Have Captain Loomis report to my office immediately.
I believe he's in charge of color detail, sir.
Oh, yes.
In that case, immediately after the ceremonies.
Yes, sir.
The ceremonies commence at 10:00 am.
Thank you.
Naturally, our guest of honor from Phoenix will be late.
Naturally.
Find it difficult to understand that only two generations separate the founder of this academy from Mr.
William Haynes.
Yes, sir.
Let me know when he arrives.
Yes, sir.
Colonel in? He's on the phone, Mr.
Haynes.
Would you care to wait out here? No, thank you, love.
Have it ready.
I'll be over to check, thank you.
Nice to see you again, William.
Colonel.
Have a good trip? Let's skip the amenities, Colonel.
You called again last week.
You asked me to think it over carefully.
I have.
Beginning with the fall term Haynes Academy becomes a coed junior college.
I see.
I wonder if you really do, Rumford.
This academy can handle This year the enrollment's barely 1,100.
We've lowered our so-called standards, and still they stay away.
The truth is nobody wants to play soldier anymore.
The war's over.
It's never over, William.
There are too many people set on destroying our country.
And that is why institutions like this academy cannot be allowed to die.
You know the incredible thing about you, Rumford? You really believe those clichés.
What do you believe in, William? That plastic world of advertising that you fit into so snugly? It is people like you, William that have made our country a moral junkyard.
It's no secret, Rumford I don't like you.
I didn't like you when I was here as a cadet.
I can understand your bitterness, William.
You were a poor cadet.
You lacked character.
In fact, you lacked every quality that made your grandfather a great man.
You still do.
You know, it's going to be a ball throwing you out of here.
Your coed school hasn't arrived yet, William.
What the hell are you going to do about it? The board of trustees doesn't give a damn about your opinion any more than I do.
Just a moment, William.
I'll be right back.
What's the matter, Colonel? You always have an answer for everything.
Miss Brady, would you file this for me, please? Yes, sir.
You know, William you remind me of a story about Stonewall Jackson when he had to dismiss an incompetent from his staff, and he said: "Here is a man so lacking in leadership "that he can accomplish nothing unless he is led by the hand like a child.
" What's your point, Rumford? You think I can't get along here without you? I don't think you'll be able to find your way to the latrine without my help.
You're sick.
You're really sick! You're so used to playing God you figure nothing's going to work without you.
You've been an honored guest at Founder's Day every year for the past seven years but I think you don't deserve to be on the premises.
You couldn't find the parade grounds without my help, William.
Who in the hell needs you for anything? And now I suppose you'll want to preside at today's ceremonies? You're damn right I do.
You're finished anyway, so it might as well end right now.
Oh, I don't have to take that, William.
Do as you please.
But I would prefer that Captain Loomis presided.
Not a chance.
Miss Brady kindly inform Captain Loomis that Mr.
Haynes will be presiding over the ceremonies today.
Looks like the great warrior can dish it out, but he can't take it.
That was a French Maybe 50 years old.
World War I.
And you say it's fired every day? At sundown.
I guess it was just a matter of time.
What's that, Captain? An old gun like that.
Something like this was bound to happen.
Tragedy.
Nobody's fault, Colonel.
The old gun just gave out.
It was an accident, pure and simple.
Hey, Corso.
Excuse me.
Hey, you, mister! You better hand that over to the police.
I'm gonna do that, sir.
This is a restricted area.
You better leave.
Officer.
You may wish to detain this man.
He refuses to leave the area.
This man is Lieutenant Columbo, sir.
He's in charge of the investigation.
Is he? Yes, sir.
Lieutenant.
Lieutenant, this is Colonel Rumford commandant of the academy.
How do you do? Colonel Rumford, sir.
Morgan.
The chaplain has asked me to tell you that all the men are assembled in chapel as ordered, sir.
Very well.
We located the victim's car.
Here's the keys.
Thank you.
Through there.
Great.
Can you believe it? Getting calls all the way out in Westlake wondering about that noise.
It must have been pretty loud, huh? Of course, it was loud.
The gun did blow up.
Well, no more to do around here.
Damned shame about Haynes.
I remember him, nice fella.
You fellows gonna wrap it up? What's to wrap up? I do this, and we're finished.
What's he up to? Would you excuse me a minute? Attention! Seated! Mr.
William Haynes is dead, gentlemen.
The last of a proud line of patriots.
A man who deeply loved this academy and everything that it stands for.
I shall miss him, as I know you will.
But we must not allow this tragic accident to divert us from our purpose.
We must be certain that his untimely death will spur us all to greater determination and dedication.
The rest of today's activities are cancelled.
The chaplain will now lead you in prayer.
Gentleman, please rise.
Let us pray.
Oh, merciful God thou who art the Creator and Sustainer of the universe strengthen us as we stand Excuse me, for interrupting, sir.
Yes, what is it? I just want to ask one question.
Sir, when you fire a cannon during a ceremonial occasion I know that you don't use a regular charge.
You use a A blank charge.
What is in a blank charge, sir? Sodium nitrate and cotton wadding.
Cotton wadding? in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.
Amen.
I found this darn little hair out there.
Hair? Yeah, I found this Actually it's not a hair, I called it a hair because it's so thin.
Actually, it's a Well, I got it right here.
Gentlemen, this concludes our service.
Actually, it's a thread.
You see that? That's thread.
I didn't know what this thing was doing in the cannon, you see.
That's why I kept looking around out there.
You saw me.
You must've thought Excuse me a moment, please.
I was crazy.
Chaplain.
Very nice service.
Thank you.
Yes, sir.
What was it? Well, that's what I was trying to find out and I kept on looking, and, you know, I found this.
See this little piece of material, huh? Since I didn't know what this was doin' in the cannon either so I kept on looking and I found I got it here somewhere.
You won't believe where I found this.
This was underneath the patrol car.
Cop pulled away, and there it was.
This piece of cloth.
So I get from the hair to this piece of cloth and then I figure, well, maybe this is part of a ceremonial charge.
But now you tell me you use cotton wadding, so I don't know what it is.
Do you know what this is, sir? No idea.
Doesn't look like clothing to me.
Awfully big for a handkerchief.
Well let me ask you something.
Jeez, I hope this doesn't sound foolish.
Is it possible that a cloth like this left in the gun could have caused the explosion? If anything blocked the barrel it would cause the explosion to back up and blow the breech.
Thank you very much.
Well, I'm sure there must be somebody here at the academy that can identify this.
If not, I'll take it into the lab tomorrow.
Thank you very much.
Just a minute.
Let me see that again.
It could be a cleaning rag.
A cleaning rag? A rag used to clean the cannon? Yes.
Oh, well, thank goodness.
What a relief.
Appreciate it.
You know, it's like when you misplace your car keys you can't rest till you find them.
Sir! Excuse me.
You know, maybe the old gun is not to blame.
I mean, maybe someone was cleaning the cannon and they just forgot and left the rag in there.
That's unlikely to happen here.
Is there someone in particular in charge of cleaning the cannon? We have a cadet assigned to that detail.
I don't recollect his name at the moment.
But if you care to step over to my office I could check it out for you.
If you don't mind a little walk.
My wife says I need the exercise.
This is Lieutenant Columbo, Miss Brady.
He's investigating our accident.
I want the staff informed that he is to have their full cooperation.
Yes, sir.
Cadet Miller reporting as requested, sir.
Better, Miller.
Much better.
Thank you, sir.
But in the circumstances, I'm going to put you on probation for two weeks.
Thank you, sir.
And I want you to report each day with those shoes shined like glass.
Yes, sir.
Dismissed.
Thank you, sir.
Where is Captain Loomis, Miss Brady? I notified him, sir, but I suppose, considering the accident it slipped his mind.
Notify him again, will you? This way, Lieutenant.
Yes, indeed, sir.
Let me check that duty roster for you.
He thought you were going to hit him.
What's that? The boy out there, he thought you were going to hit him.
My bark is sometimes worse than my bite, Lieutenant.
He's my Boodle Boy.
A sort of orderly that brings me coffee each morning after reveille.
I suppose at 6:30 in morning it's difficult to think about shined shoes but if they don't learn self-discipline now they never will.
Let's see, the week of the What was that that you called him, sir? A boodle Boodle Boy.
Seventh gun cleaning detail.
Springer.
Is that a boy that you're familiar with? It's Cadet Springer.
He's been suspended twice already.
He has more demerits than I can count.
Well, what do you think, sir? You think he's the type of boy that, you know, his mind is somewhere else? He could forget, leave a rag in a gun.
If anyone were capable of such an irresponsibility it could be Cadet Springer.
Maybe I'd better go talk to him.
Come in.
Oh, sorry, sir.
I can come back.
No, let's talk now, Loomis.
Are you aware you have a serious problem at Pershing Hall? I'll step outside.
Stay right where you are, Lieutenant.
Someone over there is fermenting hard cider at Pershing Hall.
Are you aware of that, right under your nose? No, sir.
Possession and use of alcoholic beverages is a serious infraction.
Yes, sir.
Does the Colonel have any idea who might be responsible? If I did, I wouldn't be asking you to look into it, would I? No, sir.
That's all.
Of course, sir.
I guess boys will be boys.
Boys will be boys, Lieutenant.
But someone's got to turn them into men.
Yes, sir.
Where would I find this Cadet Springer? Pershing Hall, I believe.
Which way is that? Out the main entrance to the south parking lot across the courtyard toward the recreation building and then right toward the chapel.
Turn left just before you get there.
It's three buildings down on the left hand side over by the main gate.
Thank you very much.
Certainly.
How do you get to Pershing Hall? Well, you should be able to find it on this.
We are here.
Pershing Hall is here.
Everything is marked.
Thank you very much.
You're welcome.
Hey, Sarge, how long are we gonna hang around? It's Sunday, you know.
Yeah, what are we waiting for? What do I know? He just disappears, I don't know where he is.
Oh, Lieutenant! Lieutenant! Is there anything else you want us to do? No.
Can we go back to town? Yes, I have my own car.
Haynes' wife has been notified.
She's flying in this evening to claim the body.
Very good.
I got Haynes' personal effects.
I'm going to put them in my car and take them back with me.
Clean shirt, underwear, socks and what looks like a blueprint.
What have you got there? Do me a favor, will you? Put this in my car.
Tell him what you got there.
Overnight bag, clean shirts, underwear, socks and what looks like a blueprint.
That's the blueprint? I think it's a blueprint.
Just a moment.
What is it? It's not identified.
I don't know how to read these things.
Well, neither do I.
It says locker room.
Maybe it's a new gym.
Yeah.
Maybe it's a new gym.
Where's the other pages? That's all there was.
It says page three of three.
And I see some staple holes here in the corner.
That's all there was.
Would you put this in the back of my car? Thank you.
Can we go now? Certainly.
Cadet Springer? Yeah? My name is Columbo.
Lieutenant Columbo.
Oh, that's all right, son.
Listen, I'm sorry to bother you, son.
I thought maybe you could help me.
This will only take a second.
You got any idea what this is? It's a piece of a cleaning rag.
To clean what? A cannon.
A gun.
How do you know? Well, feel it.
It's got gun oil on it.
Well, you're absolutely right.
Well I tell you the reason I ask that is because I found that rag on the parade grounds after the cannon exploded.
So? I also found out that you were assigned to the gun-cleaning detail.
Well, I didn't leave any rag down the barrel of that cannon if that's what you're trying to say.
Well, there's a simple fact here.
If that rag was in the barrel of the gun it had to get there somehow.
Mmm-hmm.
Well, that makes sense, but I didn't do it.
What's the name of that cannon? Old Thunder.
Old Thunder.
I'd like to get that name.
The colonel, he's pretty tough, isn't he? I guess so.
You two get along okay? Why do you ask me all this? Why don't you ask him? Well, I'll tell you what he said.
He said you get a lot of demerits.
Well, that's right.
The colonel and I have a few problems with each other.
What did you do wrong that he stuck you on the gun-cleaning detail? Well, actually, cleaning that cannon is supposed to be some kind of an honor duty.
Wait a minute.
That's a reward? Yeah.
So who assigned you to that? The colonel.
How often do you clean the gun? Every night.
Even when it's not fired? They fire it every night at sundown.
So you cleaned it last night? Listen, I didn't leave any rag in the barrel of that cannon.
I couldn't have.
Is there anything else that you'd like to tell me? No.
Lieutenant Columbo, sir? When you're through, sir the commandant has asked me to extend his invitation to join him for supper, sir.
Well, I think I'm through now.
Thank you very much.
Maybe we can talk again some other time.
I hope you don't mind, sir but I'm due on guard inspection.
Just follow this path till you come to Sheridan Hall.
Take a right, and then a left in front of the transportation office and the mess hall will be just in back of it.
Thank you very much.
Yes, sir.
Excuse me, fellas, can you tell me where the mess hall is? The mess hall? Can you tell me Is the mess hall this way? I'm sorry.
I just want to know, can you tell me is the mess hall in this direction? Excuse me.
Is the mess hall this way or that way? I'm looking for the mess hall.
Plebes are not allowed to talk, sir.
Oh, uh, well, look could you just point with your finger? Is it that way? It's that way, sir.
Thank you very much.
Excuse me, I'm late.
I got a little lost, sir.
Yes.
Allow me to present Cadets Lambert and Moore.
Good afternoon, sir.
Good afternoon.
Care to join me? Yes, sir.
Good afternoon.
Cadets.
Take his coat.
Thank you.
I I gather they found you at Springer's quarters, right? Yes, sir.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, sir.
I hope you don't mind my asking why are they being punished? Lambert.
Sir.
Explain to the Lieutenant.
Yes sir.
Sir, the cadets eating in this fashion are not being punished, sir.
They're first-year cadets called plebes, sir.
The method of ingestion is often called eating a square meal, sir.
Thank you very much.
Gentlemen, permission to leave the table.
Yes sir.
Thank you, sir.
Pleasure to meet you, sir.
Pleasure to meet you.
Tell me, Lieutenant you had your little talk with Springer? Yes, sir.
Satisfactory? No, sir.
Oh, why was that? Is the enrollment down here at the academy, sir? Beg your pardon? I say, is the enrollment down here? A little, lately.
I only ask because I see so many empty tables.
There are not so many people who want to be soldiers these days.
Would you pass the bread, please? Why was your talk unsatisfactory? There were a couple of things that bothered me, sir.
Let me ask you, sir.
He was a delinquent cadet.
Why was he assigned to an honor detail? We have a policy here, you see, Lieutenant.
With rebellious cadets we try punishment, and we try discipline.
And as you know, Lieutenant the best men are not always the most docile.
In the case of a cadet who's got character and promise I find that an honor detail sometimes works wonders.
But it was you that made the assignment? Oh, yes.
Don't take this wrong my next question.
I have to ask you to When I inquired this morning why didn't you remember that you had made the assignment? Oh, yes, I can help you there, Lieutenant.
You see, I remembered that I made the assignment but I didn't remember that he was still on it.
You wouldn't have any way of knowing this, Lieutenant but these details, they last about three weeks and he could have been replaced.
Oh.
Oh, fine.
Well, thank you very much, sir.
That does explain it.
My pleasure.
You have to forgive me.
It's not me, it's my mind.
It's very slow, and I have to pin everything down.
I can understand that.
Would you pass the butter, sir? If I pass the butter will you promise to explain to me why the conversation was unsatisfactory? Actually, sir, I'm putting on weight and I'm trying to cut down on my butter.
Don't take that the way it sounds.
I'm going to tell you why the conversation was unsatisfactory.
It happens to be true.
At home, we don't have butter.
My wife, she uses margarine, but I gave that up.
I don't want to press you by the way.
If you don't want to tell me, I understand.
Oh, no, sir.
No, I need your help.
I know you do.
I mean, you're not an outsider here, sir and this is of vital interest to you and you have a right to know.
Certainly.
I don't think the boy is telling the truth.
You mean, he denied leaving the rag in the gun? Yes, sir.
He denied it categorically? Denied it totally.
Well, in that case, why do you choose not to believe him? I do believe him.
Do you? About that.
I see.
I'm not being clear, I know that.
The problem is, it's yes or no.
I mean, about believing him.
In other words Let's see if I can get this straight.
He's holding something back.
He's not telling the whole truth.
You see, that's on the one hand.
That's why the conversation was unsatisfactory.
However, on the other hand about when he denies leaving the rag in the gun that I believe.
Oh, Lieutenant now I've got a problem.
I'm beginning to think like you, you know.
Springer was on the gun-cleaning detail, correct? Yes, sir.
Springer was the last one to clean the gun.
And Springer has a history of carelessness.
Now in view of these facts, Lieutenant can you explain to me why you believe him? Because he identified the rag so fast.
In other words, I asked him what this rag was and immediately he just touched it, and he said it was a cleaning rag.
No hesitation.
That's so Attention! Beware of an excess of compassion, Lieutenant.
I have no desire to destroy this young man any more than you do.
But he was guilty of negligence and his carelessness cost a man's life.
And irrespective of whatever action you choose to take he is going to be severely disciplined right here, at Haynes Military Academy.
Captain Loomis.
Sir.
What's the progress on this cider incident? I'm still looking into it, sir.
A word to the wise, Loomis.
Beware of a misplaced sense of justice.
The culprits in this case, they do not know what justice is.
You're allowing them to walk all over you! Now get it moving! Excuse me, Lieutenant, I've had a hard day.
I'll think I'll retire to my quarters.
Yes, sir.
You won't take any of that personally, will you? A difference of opinion between men.
It sometimes happens.
Yes, sir, I'm glad you said that.
Thank you very much.
Oh, there is one other thing.
Well, would you care to walk with me? Perhaps we could discuss it on the way if you've finished your meal.
Oh, absolutely, sir.
I always have a light supper.
Johnson is to report first thing to my office in the morning.
This morning when I first got here, I was speaking to What's his name? Gee, if I don't write everything down, I forget it.
One of your officers, he speaks very slow.
Oh, Captain Bartlett.
That's sounds right, sir.
I think it was Bartlett.
Good man.
Do you have a Barrett? What's the difference? The fact is, he was telling me that you personally fire the gun on these special occasions.
Three times.
Opening Day, commencement ceremonies, and, of course, Founder's Day.
And what about in the evening, sir? What do you call it? Retreat? We have a junior officer assigned to that and he works on a day-to-day basis.
I see.
So you only fire the cannon three times a year? That's correct.
This is a very delicate subject, sir.
That's why I hesitate to bring it up.
I don't want you to overreact.
Then get on with it.
I know that you believe that Cadet Springer while he was cleaning the gun, carelessly left the rag in there.
But if you could suppose for just a moment that somebody else put the rag in the gun.
Do you know, sir what the implications of that are? The implications are that somebody was trying to kill you.
I don't know what the hell you're talking about now.
If someone is cleaning a cannon and they leave a rag in it then it's an accident.
But if it was not Springer and someone was not cleaning that cannon and they put a rag in it then it was deliberate.
That's true.
And if it was deliberate and it was planned for Founder's Day one of only three days of the year that you fire the cannon then, sir I don't like to say this but obviously you were the target.
That's ridiculous.
It's ridiculous to speculate.
I shouldn't have brought it up.
I knew it would upset you.
I think you're working too hard, Lieutenant.
Everything is not a murder, you know.
In your business, accidents do happen, you know that.
People get hit by cars.
A boy could leave a rag in a gun.
You're probably right, sir.
Too long in homicide.
Always think the worst.
Now I can imagine that.
Oh, sir, would you do me a favor? Yes, certainly.
My wife, she's up in Fresno.
She's visiting my mother-in-law.
If it wouldn't be too much trouble don't want to put anybody out do you think I could spend the night here? No trouble at all.
I'll have them prepare one of the guest cottages for you.
I'd prefer the barracks, if it'd be all right? You know, be with the kids, life, you know.
Yes, it could be educational for you.
Why don't you stay at Pershing Hall? Could have another little chat with Mr.
Springer.
Wonderful.
I'll get someone to escort you.
That won't be necessary, sir.
I know where it is.
Besides, I have to pick up something in my car.
I'll tell Captain Loomis to expect you.
Still investigating, Lieutenant? Oh, nothing important.
Just a couple of little things.
Well, when you get finished, how about giving me a hand? Case of the sinister cider.
You know, I wanted to ask you about that.
I don't understand.
When I was a kid at camp, we always had cider.
This is the hard stuff.
Some of these kids, they bottle it up and they let it ferment in the night air.
When I was a kid, it was panty raids.
Oh, Morgan.
Sir.
Would you check Room 2245 for Lieutenant Columbo? See that he's made comfortable.
Yes, sir.
Do you have a match? I don't smoke.
I don't see Springer.
The colonel has placed him on punishment detail.
Because of the cleaning rag.
You know Cadet Springer denies leaving the rag in the gun.
Springer was responsible for the gun.
That's sufficient, Lieutenant.
I'll leave you in Morgan's hands.
If you need me, I'm quartered upstairs.
Lieutenant.
I hope this will be satisfactory, sir.
If not, we have plenty of others.
Do you have a match? No, sir.
I don't smoke.
There's a fresh toilet kit in this chest, sir.
Towels are in the closet.
If there's anything else, please feel free to call.
I didn't expect a room like this.
Problem, sir? No, these rooms are not what I expected.
What is it? Morgan? Yes, sir.
You know, I was in the army myself, Morgan.
We used to have one big room.
Upper bunks and lower bunks.
Fifty guys, and half of them were snoring and the other half, they were writing letters.
So there was no privacy.
Now, this is Well, granted it's not a dance hall but it's private.
I mean, if I had this when I was in the army I could've enjoyed it more.
I'm not sure "enjoy" is exactly the word you had in mind, Lieutenant.
Listen, if you need anything, let me know.
I wanted to ask you, Morgan about your new gym.
New gym, sir? Yeah, I understand you're building a new gym here.
That's the first I've heard of it.
The gym we've got is pretty new anyway.
It's only about seven years old.
No kidding? No, sir.
Well, I guess I'm mistaken.
Yes, sir.
Thank you.
Yes? Officer Corso? Yes? This is Lieutenant Columbo.
Who? Lieutenant Columbo.
We met today at the Military Academy.
Do you remember? Lieutenant, it's 3:00 in the morning.
Yes, I hate to disturb you at this hour but you said something today that has been bothering me.
You know, I couldn't sleep because of it and I finally went off.
And now it just woke me up.
What are you talking about? Those people out in Where did you say that was? Westlake? They reported hearing the noise.
Isn't that what you said? Yes.
But, you know, they fire that cannon every day.
How come they never heard the noise before? It was a very loud explosion.
I know, that's what's been bothering me.
Why is it so loud? Lieutenant, the gun never blew up before.
I see.
Well, I'm sorry I woke you.
I'm sorry, too.
Listen, go back to bed and get a good night's rest and thank you very much for your help.
Sure.
On your feet! Let's go! Formation in 30 minutes! Let's go! Everybody up! Come on! Let's go! Let's go.
Up! Up and at 'em, trooper.
Let's get with the program.
Everybody up.
Let's go, let's have it.
Formation in 30 minutes.
Let's go.
Morning, sir.
Sleep well? I slept good.
It wasn't the sleeping, it was the waking up.
The kid scared the life out of me.
Do you have an extra pair of socks? Socks, sir? Yeah, clean socks? No, sir.
I usually do my laundry on Monday night, so I wouldn't be able to have a fresh pair for you until tomorrow.
But meanwhile, I'll check into it for you, sir.
Yeah, I think I saw something like that on Cadet Springer.
That thing hanging around your neck.
What is that, like a good luck charm you fellows wear? No, sir, that's a pledge ring.
Some of us have girlfriends over at Valley Stream.
Valley Stream is a girls school, and that's a girl's ring.
Yes, sir.
You know, come to think of it we had something like that in high school.
I gave a girl named Teresa an identification bracelet.
I got it for my birthday.
Yes, sir.
You know, I ran into her.
Oh, it must've been about eight years ago at a wedding.
So she told me, she said she's still got it.
Well, I was pleased.
I'll let you know about the socks, Lieutenant.
Platoon, halt! Carry on, mister.
Carry on.
Yes, sir.
Good morning, sir.
I wanted to get over to see you in your office.
I saw you standing over here, so I just thought I'd have to tell you as soon as possible.
Tell me what? I suppose you saw the fellow I was talking to over there.
What fellow? Sgt.
Kennedy, ballistics, sir.
You see, I had this problem with the noise of the explosion.
Too loud.
Noise? Well, you know, they heard it way out in Westlake.
It's eight miles.
They've never heard the cannon go off before and, of course, that bothered me.
It woke me up.
It was 3:00 in the morning.
Well, that's a long story.
I don't wanna get into that.
The fact is that I called this fellow Kennedy and I asked him to check out something for me.
Regarding the accident? Well, let me tell you what he found.
I have it right here.
He took little pieces of metal from the breech of the gun and he had them analyzed.
Taken into the lab.
It's not good news.
In what respect? Minute traces of a "g", "e", gelignite.
Is that the right word? Gelignite.
Gelignite.
A gelignite called C4.
May I see that? That's a very powerful explosive, Lieutenant.
We don't use it here.
But that's the point, Colonel.
You see, you don't use it here.
Somebody had to alter the shell.
You understand? That with that much noise and that kind of force that somebody took the powder out of the blank charge.
That Sodium.
Nitrate.
Sodium nitrate.
Yes, sir.
They had to take that out and put this other stuff in.
That's not an accident, Colonel.
Now we are talking about murder.
Pure and simple.
You really think so? I'm certain of it, Colonel.
Then it's a very serious business.
If such a thing were proven it would be a black mark on the history of this academy.
You better get this investigation moving along.
Clear it up, man.
That's easy to say.
It's hard to do.
You see, the problem is, Colonel, I don't have any leads.
I got that boy Springer and I do intend to go back to him.
I want to check his file.
However, you do know how I feel about him.
I'll talk to Miss Brady and make sure that all files are made available to you.
As you see, it's a busy day.
Anything else I can do for you? I'd love a fresh pair of socks.
Where are you staying? Pershing Hall.
They'll be right over.
Size 10 and a half, 11.
On your feet.
How long have you been on this? Yesterday and today, sir.
Oh, yes, I remember.
I had to do it in my time.
You've talked with Lieutenant Columbo? Yes, sir.
What's your opinion of him? I have no opinion, sir.
He's not satisfied with your explanation.
The situation is a little more complicated than we had expected.
In fact, there is a distinct possibility that you may be charged with murder.
Now, hear this.
We have had our differences from time to time but I still think you'll make a good soldier.
So I can assure you that you can rely on me and the academy to stand behind you.
Understood? Carry on.
Everything is in strict order, Lieutenant.
I'd appreciate your keeping it that way.
Oh, absolutely, ma'am.
I realize how people feel about keeping their records neat and clean.
I can assure you I won't disturb anything.
Incidentally, this is in terrific condition.
Thank you.
That was a terrible thing that happened here yesterday, wasn't it? I guess you must have known William Haynes pretty well.
No, I rarely saw Mr.
Haynes.
Wasn't he the chairman of the board? Mr.
Haynes' contacts with the academy were infrequent and generally negative.
And I had as little to do with him as possible.
I see.
Holy cow, look at this.
Yes, what is it, Lieutenant? I see where Cadet Springer was caught sneaking off the academy grounds six times.
Well, that was last year.
He was seeing a girl.
What does that have to do with anything, Lieutenant? I do have work to get through.
Sorry, ma'am.
Everything is back in order.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Can I ask you something? Was my cigar bothering you? Just a little.
I should've known.
Can I ask you another question? It's only going to take a minute.
The dispute between the colonel and Mr.
Haynes yesterday it's my understanding it had to do with declining enrollment.
Is that what you understand? I don't know what the argument was about.
I do know that Mr.
Haynes was rude and arrogant.
Well, then you did hear the argument? Just a little.
The colonel brought me out something to file and left the door ajar.
But I can assure you that Mr.
Haynes did all the provoking.
Can you remember anything specific that was said? Yes.
Yes, one thing I'll never forget.
The colonel suggested to Mr.
Haynes that Captain Loomis preside at the ceremonies.
Now, if Mr.
Haynes had listened, he'd be alive today.
So, in a sense, it was William Haynes' temper that killed him.
Thank you very much.
You're welcome.
Excuse me, sir, can I help you? This is the gym? Yes, sir.
I mean, this is the only gym? Yes, sir.
Excuse me, sir.
Which way is north? That way, sir.
Trying to figure something out.
That's north, right? Yes, sir.
So if that's north, then that's east then there should be a door there.
Right there.
But there is nothing there but a wall.
Yes, sir.
That's a wall, sir.
I'm right, there's no door there.
That's no door, sir.
But this is crazy.
I was inside.
The locker room is here and the pool is here.
But where's this door? And where's the other gym? Sir, there's no other gym, sir.
Thank you very much.
Yes, sir.
Company, ten-hut.
Fall out.
Lieutenant.
We've got a problem.
Roy Springer.
He's gone.
What do you mean, gone? Well, we've searched the campus, and he's not here.
The colonel thought you ought to know in case you wanted to issue an All Points Bulletin.
I certainly do.
I'll do that immediately.
Thank you.
When was he seen last and where? About an hour ago, in MacArthur Hall.
Miss, excuse me.
Yes? I'm looking for a girl.
I'm sorry.
I'm not supposed to talk to strangers.
No, ma'am, I'm not a stranger.
I'm a police officer, and I'm looking for Susan Gerard.
I've read her file.
She went to school here last year or this year, I'm not sure.
Susie? Sure, Susie goes here.
Could you tell me where I could find her? Sure.
She's on that bus that's just pulling out.
Miss, can you tell me what she looks like? Say, are you sure you're a police officer? Absolutely.
Sure doesn't look like a police car.
If you could just give me a rough idea.
Is she tall? Is she short? Is she blonde? Brunette? Well, she's kind of average, I guess.
Blonde.
She's wearing a red sweater.
Thank you.
Hey, are you sure that badge is real? I hope you like cheese.
It's all they had in the machine.
It's terrific.
It's great.
Listen, I managed to scrape you about $20, if you need it.
Well, I don't need it.
I think I'm just going to try and bum a ride up north.
I guess.
Maybe I'll stay with those guys in San Francisco.
Roy, don't you think you ought to stay? No.
I mean, I know you didn't do it, but Somebody's trying to set me up.
Who's trying to set you up? How do you know he didn't do it? Colonel Rumford.
Lieutenant Columbo is waiting in your office with Cadet Springer.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Lieutenant.
Mr.
Springer.
Sir! Colonel, Cadet Springer I'm gonna talk for you for a moment, Roy.
Cadet Springer has decided to return to the academy.
I'm delighted that he is safely home.
Do you have any charges against him, or can I discipline him now? I have no charges.
I'm happy to hear that.
However, there are certain facts that we feel you should know.
I will welcome any information that would clear up the situation here and we can get this place back to our normal routine.
In that regard, sir the boy has been no help as far as who did it.
I mean, he has said nothing that points to anybody else.
You are satisfied that he didn't do it.
I'm sure you will be, too.
Mmm-hmm.
Roy.
Do you have something to say to the Colonel? Sir, it's impossible for me to have left that rag in the barrel of the cannon, sir.
Tell him why, Roy.
Because I didn't clean the cannon the night before the ceremony, sir.
Why not? I was off campus, sir.
Where? I would rather not say, sir.
I'm sure you wouldn't.
The fact is he was off campus.
He was? Yes, sir, he was.
And there's a second party that will verify his story.
So he has a good alibi? It's not an alibi, sir.
That's a fact.
Very well.
Mr.
Springer pending investigation of this serious infraction of the rules of the academy you are going to be confined to quarters until further notice.
Dismissed.
Yes, sir.
What do you think of him? I was thinking of you.
I know you don't like flattery but if you can stand it for just a moment I think it's a wonderful thing you did with that boy.
I'm flattered.
I know it didn't turn out that way but you told him to stand his ground, and you'd back him up.
He told you that? Yes, sir.
What would you like to do next? I keep thinking about this file.
What it says.
"This is a very obstinate young man "strong-willed and opinionated.
"It's as if he goes out of his way to take a contrary position.
"Tell him that snow is white, and he'll say that it's black.
"In this sense, his reactions are very predictable.
" Springer.
Springer? No, sir.
This is not Springer's file.
No, this is one of your old files.
This is William Haynes' file.
That's interesting.
What's interesting, sir? That at age 16 their characteristics should have been so similar.
But Mr.
William Haynes grew up to be a man without convictions.
I have higher hopes for Mr.
Springer.
When I think of Haynes and Springer and I think about this file the fact that their reactions are predictable I find something else interesting.
See, I'm a cop.
I got a different problem.
I got to catch somebody.
Who has keys to the arms room? The arms room? Yes, sir.
The criminal had to get into the arms room to change the charge in the casing.
In order to do that, he needed access to keys.
How many sets are there? Three.
Springer has a set, the officer of the day and I have a set that will open every lock on the campus.
Well, we know Springer wasn't on campus at the time.
So maybe somebody took Springer's keys or they took the keys of the officer of the day.
Or maybe they took your keys.
Impossible.
I think that the night before we had a staff meeting that went to I retired to my quarters where I slept soundly until I was awaken by my Boodle Boy at 6:30.
Left staff meeting at 2200 hours.
What time is that? Went to your quarters, slept soundly until Boodle Boy woke you.
During that time, could anybody have gotten your keys? I always lock up before I turn in.
So that means it either had to be Springer's set or the set of the officer of the day.
Maybe we're looking too hard at the cadets.
Maybe we ought to be looking at an expert in guns.
You know, explosives.
Well, this is a military academy, Lieutenant.
And as you know, the military do, from time to time deal with guns and explosives.
We have a number of experts right here on campus.
Would you put yourself in that category? Very definitely.
Question is who would have a strong enough reason to kill you.
You know somebody who has a grudge against you? Possibly.
I don't pretend to be beloved.
Can you think of a specific person? Not off-hand.
Now, think back, sir.
Go way back during the war.
Disgruntled soldier under your command? A rival? Jealously over a woman? No.
Some mentally deranged person? Nobody.
Nobody in the past, nobody in the present.
That adds up to nobody.
Maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe nobody's trying to kill you.
You know, I've been wrong before.
You know, you can get too complicated.
Bill Haynes was blown up.
Let's keep it simple.
Somebody was trying to blow up Bill Haynes.
What are we beating our brains in for? At least that way you can sleep easier.
Would you like to try one of quality, for a change? Well, thank you very much.
Will you join me? I didn't know you use them.
One a day.
Well, they feel very good.
And they smell very good, too.
Maybe you can use this.
Do you have a first name? I do.
My wife is about the only one that uses it.
We have similar jobs in a way.
I wear a uniform, you wear a I suppose you could call that a uniform.
I used to tell my cadets, you know, all the time sometimes it's harder to be a slob than to be neat and tidy and clean.
It's the wars, you see, the wars of nations.
When that stops, hang up the uniform.
I'll hang up my uniform.
I'll go and take care of my backyard.
I got some roses.
White roses.
And I suppose that when people stop abusing each other you'll hang up your uniform.
This is a first rate cigar.
You have a light? You didn't really try it yet.
What you were saying I talk about that kind of thing with my wife.
She reads a lot.
Excuse me.
Yes.
Mr.
Tate for you on line 23, sir.
And Captain Loomis is waiting to see you.
All right.
I'll take the call on There's something I want you to see.
I'm going to get it.
I'll be right back.
Wednesday afternoon.
4:30.
Yes, that will be fine, Mr.
Tate.
Let's meet outside the chapel.
Colonel Rumford? I didn't realize you were alone.
Excuse me for intruding.
I was at your office, Miss Brady she said you were on an inspection.
I am.
Oh, I thought this was a vacant dormitory.
It is.
I see.
But it will change.
Maybe not this year.
Maybe not next.
But it's going to change, mister.
You can put your money on it.
No more reluctant mama's boys.
No more 4F's, no more Section Eights.
This country is going to have the best damn army in the world.
And Haynes Military Academy will be a part of it.
In that regard I wanted to ask you about this blueprint.
Blueprint? I found it in Mr.
Haynes' car.
I'd like for you to take a look at it.
I got to tell you, sir that I was really confused by this.
I mean, I thought you were building a new gym and Of course I couldn't figure out why you were building a new gym if the enrollment was down and the one you got is only seven years old.
Of course, then it hit me.
This is the same gym only with some renovations.
I didn't authorize any changes.
But Mr.
Haynes did.
Or at least he was thinking about it.
But here's the thing.
This locker room, sir, right here.
Do you see that? I see it.
I've located the showers and the sink and the stalls.
I mean, I don't want to be indelicate, sir.
But if this is a boys locker room, there's something missing.
You get my point? No urinals.
That's it, sir.
And when I saw this, it occurred to me that gee, maybe Mr.
Haynes had the idea of permitting girls to come to this school.
William Haynes had some very strange ideas, Lieutenant.
That was one of them.
He used to run it up the flag pole from time to time, as they say.
Some crackpot scheme for turning this into a coed junior college.
But it never got further than talk.
Just talk.
Well, you're probably right, sir but still in all with the board of trustees meeting coming up this week I think Miss Brady just mentioned something like that.
I can assure you that if Mr.
Haynes had brought up the subject of a coed school it would have been turned down flat.
You're certain about it? Absolutely.
I'm in close touch with every single member of the board and I have their complete confidence.
In that case, sir I guess it wouldn't be necessary for me to personally check that out with each member of the board? You'll do what you have to do.
Fall out of there! Inspection.
Move out, inspection, come on! Everybody, let's go.
Inspection! What's happening? Snap inspection.
All right, gentlemen, attention! Come on, move it! It's 3:00 in the morning.
All assembled, sir.
Gentlemen, I realize that it's early in the day and this may take some hours.
Hours? But someone in this dormitory is fermenting cider.
And no matter how long it takes I intend to find the cider and punish the culprits.
Understood? Sir, yes, sir! Understood? Yes, sir! Nothing, sir.
Nothing, sir.
Nothing, sir.
We're not lucking out on this, are we? Nothing, sir.
This is the last room, sir.
It's almost 0400 hours.
The latrine.
Sir? Search the latrine.
Yes, sir.
Nothing, sir.
Captain.
Sir? Check.
Sir? Check the vent.
Check the vent! Yes, sir.
Anything? Anything? Nothing, sir.
Nothing? Nothing.
They won't get away with this, Loomis.
Everyone here is on report! Carry on.
Yes, sir.
Dismissed! Dismissed! Hey, clown, what are you doing? I thought he found it.
I don't understand it either.
He was looking right at it.
Maybe it's not there.
Of course, it's there, dummy.
I put it there myself.
Maybe somebody else took it.
You going to turn us in, Lieutenant? No.
But I do want you to do me a favor.
I want to know all there is to know about this cider.
Who, where, and when.
Yes.
Captain Loomis, sir.
Forgive the hour, sir, but it's urgent.
Meet me in the flag pole area at the parade ground immediately.
It's about the cider, sir.
Cider? Yes, sir.
It's about the cider.
I think I've got it.
All right.
Is that it, sir? That's it.
Whoever's in that room, have them fall out and form here.
Go to it.
Yes, sir.
On the double! Yes, sir! Have the whole second floor fall out! Yes, sir! Do you hear me, Captain? Yes, sir! The whole second floor! Yes, sir! Do you hear me? Hey, mister! Don't touch that! Don't move till Captain Loomis arrives! Anyone else in there with you? No, sir! You better be right! What is it, Colonel? What's happened? The cider, Lieutenant.
The elusive cider has finally materialized.
I knew it would.
Where'd you find it? There! Up there! Where are you pointing, sir? Where are you pointing? Second floor, fourth window along.
Holy cow, you're right.
There it is.
I gotta say this for you, sir, you never gave up on it, did you? You got a pretty good pair of eyes.
It's my job to be observant.
So that's how you knew about it.
You saw it before? Yes, of course.
When was that, sir? Gentleman, I'm waiting! I said when was it that you first spotted the cider, sir? During last week.
Wednesday or Thursday? I suppose so.
I'm surprised that you didn't start your investigation the moment you saw it.
That seems to be the way you do things.
Right away.
No delays.
Gentlemen! You're slow! You're very slow! Was it during the day or night, sir? Hmm, what? I said can you remember if it was during the day or the night? Day, of course.
All right, Captain.
Who was it? Morgan, sir.
Morgan, step forward.
All cadets remain where you are.
Lieutenant.
What the hell is going on here? That was a lie, Colonel.
It couldn't have been during the day.
Whoever was involved in the manufacture of liquor please raise your hands and say, "Me, sir.
" Me, sir.
Was the liquor ever hung out during the day? No, sir.
Captain Loomis.
Ten hut! Colonel.
It couldn't have been during the day.
Then it must have been night.
Logic, Lieutenant.
Logic.
Wednesday night? Thursday night? During the week.
No, sir, it was Saturday night.
The night before the explosion that Mr.
Haynes was killed.
I wasn't out Saturday night.
Was the cider ever hung out Wednesday or Thursday evenings? No, sir.
Friday nights? No, sir! When was the first time that the cider was hung out? Saturday night, sir! Then I'm mistaken.
It must have been Saturday night.
Could you be more specific? Was it closer to 10:00 or 2:00, or was it later? Maybe daybreak.
Early Sunday morning like 6:30.
It was impossible to be daybreak because as you know, Lieutenant I was in my quarters asleep until 6:30 when my Boodle Boy awakened me.
So either you saw it after 6:30 when you got up or you saw it earlier before you went to bed.
One or the other.
Obviously.
Who's responsible for bringing in the cider early Sunday morning? Right here, sir.
What time was that? How do you know it was 6:25? I had to bring it in before reveille otherwise everybody would see it, sir.
So you couldn't have seen it after you got up because it was no longer there.
And you didn't see it earlier because it was too dark.
I'll tell you when you saw it.
Between 6:15 and 6:25.
During those 10 minutes.
Not a minute earlier, nor a minute later.
Before 6:15, it was too dark.
Daybreak came at 6:15.
And the cider jar became visible.
And it was visible until 6:25 when it was pulled in the window.
And not only did you see it at that specific time, Colonel but you had to be standing in one specific place.
That's right, sir.
You see, you can't see the window from here.
The trees cover it.
That's the only place that you can see the window.
You have to be standing directly in back of the cannon.
Should I go on? Done a very nice job.
You know, I very much wanted to identify that rag immediately.
But I couldn't get it out.
But don't you expect me to be contrite, Lieutenant.
It had to be done.
And I'd do it again tomorrow.
Have you finished with my cadets? Yes, sir.
Give me a moment.
Gentlemen, I hear reveille.
That means that you have precisely 24 minutes in which to report to the mess hall for breakfast, correctly attired.
Shoes shined, buttons polished.
Any questions? No, sir! Immediately following breakfast those responsible for bringing cider on this campus will report to Captain Loomis for disciplinary action.
Captain, dismissed.
Fall out! Now, let's go.
Come on.
Boodle Boy reporting with morning coffee, sir.
Come in.
Cook hopes the coffee is strong enough and to your liking, sir.
Mmm-hmm.
Um, Miller, isn't it? Jonathan B.
? Yes, sir.
It will be my pleasure to serve the Colonel as Boodle Boy for the next duty period, sir.
Some problems with geometry, Miller? Yes, sir, but my grades are better this quarter, sir.
Work on them, Miller.
Geometry is logic.
And logic is the battlefield of adulthood.
Yes, sir.
Dismissed.
Thank you, sir.
Miller! Sir? What is today, Miller? Sunday, sir.
I mean Founder's Day, sir.
A very special day, wouldn't you say? Yes, sir.
Then how do you explain those shoes, Miller? Those shoes are a disgrace.
Following this morning's ceremonies you will report to my office for discipline.
Yes, sir.
Dismissed.
Good morning, Colonel.
One moment, please.
Have Captain Loomis report to my office immediately.
I believe he's in charge of color detail, sir.
Oh, yes.
In that case, immediately after the ceremonies.
Yes, sir.
The ceremonies commence at 10:00 am.
Thank you.
Naturally, our guest of honor from Phoenix will be late.
Naturally.
Find it difficult to understand that only two generations separate the founder of this academy from Mr.
William Haynes.
Yes, sir.
Let me know when he arrives.
Yes, sir.
Colonel in? He's on the phone, Mr.
Haynes.
Would you care to wait out here? No, thank you, love.
Have it ready.
I'll be over to check, thank you.
Nice to see you again, William.
Colonel.
Have a good trip? Let's skip the amenities, Colonel.
You called again last week.
You asked me to think it over carefully.
I have.
Beginning with the fall term Haynes Academy becomes a coed junior college.
I see.
I wonder if you really do, Rumford.
This academy can handle This year the enrollment's barely 1,100.
We've lowered our so-called standards, and still they stay away.
The truth is nobody wants to play soldier anymore.
The war's over.
It's never over, William.
There are too many people set on destroying our country.
And that is why institutions like this academy cannot be allowed to die.
You know the incredible thing about you, Rumford? You really believe those clichés.
What do you believe in, William? That plastic world of advertising that you fit into so snugly? It is people like you, William that have made our country a moral junkyard.
It's no secret, Rumford I don't like you.
I didn't like you when I was here as a cadet.
I can understand your bitterness, William.
You were a poor cadet.
You lacked character.
In fact, you lacked every quality that made your grandfather a great man.
You still do.
You know, it's going to be a ball throwing you out of here.
Your coed school hasn't arrived yet, William.
What the hell are you going to do about it? The board of trustees doesn't give a damn about your opinion any more than I do.
Just a moment, William.
I'll be right back.
What's the matter, Colonel? You always have an answer for everything.
Miss Brady, would you file this for me, please? Yes, sir.
You know, William you remind me of a story about Stonewall Jackson when he had to dismiss an incompetent from his staff, and he said: "Here is a man so lacking in leadership "that he can accomplish nothing unless he is led by the hand like a child.
" What's your point, Rumford? You think I can't get along here without you? I don't think you'll be able to find your way to the latrine without my help.
You're sick.
You're really sick! You're so used to playing God you figure nothing's going to work without you.
You've been an honored guest at Founder's Day every year for the past seven years but I think you don't deserve to be on the premises.
You couldn't find the parade grounds without my help, William.
Who in the hell needs you for anything? And now I suppose you'll want to preside at today's ceremonies? You're damn right I do.
You're finished anyway, so it might as well end right now.
Oh, I don't have to take that, William.
Do as you please.
But I would prefer that Captain Loomis presided.
Not a chance.
Miss Brady kindly inform Captain Loomis that Mr.
Haynes will be presiding over the ceremonies today.
Looks like the great warrior can dish it out, but he can't take it.
That was a French Maybe 50 years old.
World War I.
And you say it's fired every day? At sundown.
I guess it was just a matter of time.
What's that, Captain? An old gun like that.
Something like this was bound to happen.
Tragedy.
Nobody's fault, Colonel.
The old gun just gave out.
It was an accident, pure and simple.
Hey, Corso.
Excuse me.
Hey, you, mister! You better hand that over to the police.
I'm gonna do that, sir.
This is a restricted area.
You better leave.
Officer.
You may wish to detain this man.
He refuses to leave the area.
This man is Lieutenant Columbo, sir.
He's in charge of the investigation.
Is he? Yes, sir.
Lieutenant.
Lieutenant, this is Colonel Rumford commandant of the academy.
How do you do? Colonel Rumford, sir.
Morgan.
The chaplain has asked me to tell you that all the men are assembled in chapel as ordered, sir.
Very well.
We located the victim's car.
Here's the keys.
Thank you.
Through there.
Great.
Can you believe it? Getting calls all the way out in Westlake wondering about that noise.
It must have been pretty loud, huh? Of course, it was loud.
The gun did blow up.
Well, no more to do around here.
Damned shame about Haynes.
I remember him, nice fella.
You fellows gonna wrap it up? What's to wrap up? I do this, and we're finished.
What's he up to? Would you excuse me a minute? Attention! Seated! Mr.
William Haynes is dead, gentlemen.
The last of a proud line of patriots.
A man who deeply loved this academy and everything that it stands for.
I shall miss him, as I know you will.
But we must not allow this tragic accident to divert us from our purpose.
We must be certain that his untimely death will spur us all to greater determination and dedication.
The rest of today's activities are cancelled.
The chaplain will now lead you in prayer.
Gentleman, please rise.
Let us pray.
Oh, merciful God thou who art the Creator and Sustainer of the universe strengthen us as we stand Excuse me, for interrupting, sir.
Yes, what is it? I just want to ask one question.
Sir, when you fire a cannon during a ceremonial occasion I know that you don't use a regular charge.
You use a A blank charge.
What is in a blank charge, sir? Sodium nitrate and cotton wadding.
Cotton wadding? in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.
Amen.
I found this darn little hair out there.
Hair? Yeah, I found this Actually it's not a hair, I called it a hair because it's so thin.
Actually, it's a Well, I got it right here.
Gentlemen, this concludes our service.
Actually, it's a thread.
You see that? That's thread.
I didn't know what this thing was doing in the cannon, you see.
That's why I kept looking around out there.
You saw me.
You must've thought Excuse me a moment, please.
I was crazy.
Chaplain.
Very nice service.
Thank you.
Yes, sir.
What was it? Well, that's what I was trying to find out and I kept on looking, and, you know, I found this.
See this little piece of material, huh? Since I didn't know what this was doin' in the cannon either so I kept on looking and I found I got it here somewhere.
You won't believe where I found this.
This was underneath the patrol car.
Cop pulled away, and there it was.
This piece of cloth.
So I get from the hair to this piece of cloth and then I figure, well, maybe this is part of a ceremonial charge.
But now you tell me you use cotton wadding, so I don't know what it is.
Do you know what this is, sir? No idea.
Doesn't look like clothing to me.
Awfully big for a handkerchief.
Well let me ask you something.
Jeez, I hope this doesn't sound foolish.
Is it possible that a cloth like this left in the gun could have caused the explosion? If anything blocked the barrel it would cause the explosion to back up and blow the breech.
Thank you very much.
Well, I'm sure there must be somebody here at the academy that can identify this.
If not, I'll take it into the lab tomorrow.
Thank you very much.
Just a minute.
Let me see that again.
It could be a cleaning rag.
A cleaning rag? A rag used to clean the cannon? Yes.
Oh, well, thank goodness.
What a relief.
Appreciate it.
You know, it's like when you misplace your car keys you can't rest till you find them.
Sir! Excuse me.
You know, maybe the old gun is not to blame.
I mean, maybe someone was cleaning the cannon and they just forgot and left the rag in there.
That's unlikely to happen here.
Is there someone in particular in charge of cleaning the cannon? We have a cadet assigned to that detail.
I don't recollect his name at the moment.
But if you care to step over to my office I could check it out for you.
If you don't mind a little walk.
My wife says I need the exercise.
This is Lieutenant Columbo, Miss Brady.
He's investigating our accident.
I want the staff informed that he is to have their full cooperation.
Yes, sir.
Cadet Miller reporting as requested, sir.
Better, Miller.
Much better.
Thank you, sir.
But in the circumstances, I'm going to put you on probation for two weeks.
Thank you, sir.
And I want you to report each day with those shoes shined like glass.
Yes, sir.
Dismissed.
Thank you, sir.
Where is Captain Loomis, Miss Brady? I notified him, sir, but I suppose, considering the accident it slipped his mind.
Notify him again, will you? This way, Lieutenant.
Yes, indeed, sir.
Let me check that duty roster for you.
He thought you were going to hit him.
What's that? The boy out there, he thought you were going to hit him.
My bark is sometimes worse than my bite, Lieutenant.
He's my Boodle Boy.
A sort of orderly that brings me coffee each morning after reveille.
I suppose at 6:30 in morning it's difficult to think about shined shoes but if they don't learn self-discipline now they never will.
Let's see, the week of the What was that that you called him, sir? A boodle Boodle Boy.
Seventh gun cleaning detail.
Springer.
Is that a boy that you're familiar with? It's Cadet Springer.
He's been suspended twice already.
He has more demerits than I can count.
Well, what do you think, sir? You think he's the type of boy that, you know, his mind is somewhere else? He could forget, leave a rag in a gun.
If anyone were capable of such an irresponsibility it could be Cadet Springer.
Maybe I'd better go talk to him.
Come in.
Oh, sorry, sir.
I can come back.
No, let's talk now, Loomis.
Are you aware you have a serious problem at Pershing Hall? I'll step outside.
Stay right where you are, Lieutenant.
Someone over there is fermenting hard cider at Pershing Hall.
Are you aware of that, right under your nose? No, sir.
Possession and use of alcoholic beverages is a serious infraction.
Yes, sir.
Does the Colonel have any idea who might be responsible? If I did, I wouldn't be asking you to look into it, would I? No, sir.
That's all.
Of course, sir.
I guess boys will be boys.
Boys will be boys, Lieutenant.
But someone's got to turn them into men.
Yes, sir.
Where would I find this Cadet Springer? Pershing Hall, I believe.
Which way is that? Out the main entrance to the south parking lot across the courtyard toward the recreation building and then right toward the chapel.
Turn left just before you get there.
It's three buildings down on the left hand side over by the main gate.
Thank you very much.
Certainly.
How do you get to Pershing Hall? Well, you should be able to find it on this.
We are here.
Pershing Hall is here.
Everything is marked.
Thank you very much.
You're welcome.
Hey, Sarge, how long are we gonna hang around? It's Sunday, you know.
Yeah, what are we waiting for? What do I know? He just disappears, I don't know where he is.
Oh, Lieutenant! Lieutenant! Is there anything else you want us to do? No.
Can we go back to town? Yes, I have my own car.
Haynes' wife has been notified.
She's flying in this evening to claim the body.
Very good.
I got Haynes' personal effects.
I'm going to put them in my car and take them back with me.
Clean shirt, underwear, socks and what looks like a blueprint.
What have you got there? Do me a favor, will you? Put this in my car.
Tell him what you got there.
Overnight bag, clean shirts, underwear, socks and what looks like a blueprint.
That's the blueprint? I think it's a blueprint.
Just a moment.
What is it? It's not identified.
I don't know how to read these things.
Well, neither do I.
It says locker room.
Maybe it's a new gym.
Yeah.
Maybe it's a new gym.
Where's the other pages? That's all there was.
It says page three of three.
And I see some staple holes here in the corner.
That's all there was.
Would you put this in the back of my car? Thank you.
Can we go now? Certainly.
Cadet Springer? Yeah? My name is Columbo.
Lieutenant Columbo.
Oh, that's all right, son.
Listen, I'm sorry to bother you, son.
I thought maybe you could help me.
This will only take a second.
You got any idea what this is? It's a piece of a cleaning rag.
To clean what? A cannon.
A gun.
How do you know? Well, feel it.
It's got gun oil on it.
Well, you're absolutely right.
Well I tell you the reason I ask that is because I found that rag on the parade grounds after the cannon exploded.
So? I also found out that you were assigned to the gun-cleaning detail.
Well, I didn't leave any rag down the barrel of that cannon if that's what you're trying to say.
Well, there's a simple fact here.
If that rag was in the barrel of the gun it had to get there somehow.
Mmm-hmm.
Well, that makes sense, but I didn't do it.
What's the name of that cannon? Old Thunder.
Old Thunder.
I'd like to get that name.
The colonel, he's pretty tough, isn't he? I guess so.
You two get along okay? Why do you ask me all this? Why don't you ask him? Well, I'll tell you what he said.
He said you get a lot of demerits.
Well, that's right.
The colonel and I have a few problems with each other.
What did you do wrong that he stuck you on the gun-cleaning detail? Well, actually, cleaning that cannon is supposed to be some kind of an honor duty.
Wait a minute.
That's a reward? Yeah.
So who assigned you to that? The colonel.
How often do you clean the gun? Every night.
Even when it's not fired? They fire it every night at sundown.
So you cleaned it last night? Listen, I didn't leave any rag in the barrel of that cannon.
I couldn't have.
Is there anything else that you'd like to tell me? No.
Lieutenant Columbo, sir? When you're through, sir the commandant has asked me to extend his invitation to join him for supper, sir.
Well, I think I'm through now.
Thank you very much.
Maybe we can talk again some other time.
I hope you don't mind, sir but I'm due on guard inspection.
Just follow this path till you come to Sheridan Hall.
Take a right, and then a left in front of the transportation office and the mess hall will be just in back of it.
Thank you very much.
Yes, sir.
Excuse me, fellas, can you tell me where the mess hall is? The mess hall? Can you tell me Is the mess hall this way? I'm sorry.
I just want to know, can you tell me is the mess hall in this direction? Excuse me.
Is the mess hall this way or that way? I'm looking for the mess hall.
Plebes are not allowed to talk, sir.
Oh, uh, well, look could you just point with your finger? Is it that way? It's that way, sir.
Thank you very much.
Excuse me, I'm late.
I got a little lost, sir.
Yes.
Allow me to present Cadets Lambert and Moore.
Good afternoon, sir.
Good afternoon.
Care to join me? Yes, sir.
Good afternoon.
Cadets.
Take his coat.
Thank you.
I I gather they found you at Springer's quarters, right? Yes, sir.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, sir.
I hope you don't mind my asking why are they being punished? Lambert.
Sir.
Explain to the Lieutenant.
Yes sir.
Sir, the cadets eating in this fashion are not being punished, sir.
They're first-year cadets called plebes, sir.
The method of ingestion is often called eating a square meal, sir.
Thank you very much.
Gentlemen, permission to leave the table.
Yes sir.
Thank you, sir.
Pleasure to meet you, sir.
Pleasure to meet you.
Tell me, Lieutenant you had your little talk with Springer? Yes, sir.
Satisfactory? No, sir.
Oh, why was that? Is the enrollment down here at the academy, sir? Beg your pardon? I say, is the enrollment down here? A little, lately.
I only ask because I see so many empty tables.
There are not so many people who want to be soldiers these days.
Would you pass the bread, please? Why was your talk unsatisfactory? There were a couple of things that bothered me, sir.
Let me ask you, sir.
He was a delinquent cadet.
Why was he assigned to an honor detail? We have a policy here, you see, Lieutenant.
With rebellious cadets we try punishment, and we try discipline.
And as you know, Lieutenant the best men are not always the most docile.
In the case of a cadet who's got character and promise I find that an honor detail sometimes works wonders.
But it was you that made the assignment? Oh, yes.
Don't take this wrong my next question.
I have to ask you to When I inquired this morning why didn't you remember that you had made the assignment? Oh, yes, I can help you there, Lieutenant.
You see, I remembered that I made the assignment but I didn't remember that he was still on it.
You wouldn't have any way of knowing this, Lieutenant but these details, they last about three weeks and he could have been replaced.
Oh.
Oh, fine.
Well, thank you very much, sir.
That does explain it.
My pleasure.
You have to forgive me.
It's not me, it's my mind.
It's very slow, and I have to pin everything down.
I can understand that.
Would you pass the butter, sir? If I pass the butter will you promise to explain to me why the conversation was unsatisfactory? Actually, sir, I'm putting on weight and I'm trying to cut down on my butter.
Don't take that the way it sounds.
I'm going to tell you why the conversation was unsatisfactory.
It happens to be true.
At home, we don't have butter.
My wife, she uses margarine, but I gave that up.
I don't want to press you by the way.
If you don't want to tell me, I understand.
Oh, no, sir.
No, I need your help.
I know you do.
I mean, you're not an outsider here, sir and this is of vital interest to you and you have a right to know.
Certainly.
I don't think the boy is telling the truth.
You mean, he denied leaving the rag in the gun? Yes, sir.
He denied it categorically? Denied it totally.
Well, in that case, why do you choose not to believe him? I do believe him.
Do you? About that.
I see.
I'm not being clear, I know that.
The problem is, it's yes or no.
I mean, about believing him.
In other words Let's see if I can get this straight.
He's holding something back.
He's not telling the whole truth.
You see, that's on the one hand.
That's why the conversation was unsatisfactory.
However, on the other hand about when he denies leaving the rag in the gun that I believe.
Oh, Lieutenant now I've got a problem.
I'm beginning to think like you, you know.
Springer was on the gun-cleaning detail, correct? Yes, sir.
Springer was the last one to clean the gun.
And Springer has a history of carelessness.
Now in view of these facts, Lieutenant can you explain to me why you believe him? Because he identified the rag so fast.
In other words, I asked him what this rag was and immediately he just touched it, and he said it was a cleaning rag.
No hesitation.
That's so Attention! Beware of an excess of compassion, Lieutenant.
I have no desire to destroy this young man any more than you do.
But he was guilty of negligence and his carelessness cost a man's life.
And irrespective of whatever action you choose to take he is going to be severely disciplined right here, at Haynes Military Academy.
Captain Loomis.
Sir.
What's the progress on this cider incident? I'm still looking into it, sir.
A word to the wise, Loomis.
Beware of a misplaced sense of justice.
The culprits in this case, they do not know what justice is.
You're allowing them to walk all over you! Now get it moving! Excuse me, Lieutenant, I've had a hard day.
I'll think I'll retire to my quarters.
Yes, sir.
You won't take any of that personally, will you? A difference of opinion between men.
It sometimes happens.
Yes, sir, I'm glad you said that.
Thank you very much.
Oh, there is one other thing.
Well, would you care to walk with me? Perhaps we could discuss it on the way if you've finished your meal.
Oh, absolutely, sir.
I always have a light supper.
Johnson is to report first thing to my office in the morning.
This morning when I first got here, I was speaking to What's his name? Gee, if I don't write everything down, I forget it.
One of your officers, he speaks very slow.
Oh, Captain Bartlett.
That's sounds right, sir.
I think it was Bartlett.
Good man.
Do you have a Barrett? What's the difference? The fact is, he was telling me that you personally fire the gun on these special occasions.
Three times.
Opening Day, commencement ceremonies, and, of course, Founder's Day.
And what about in the evening, sir? What do you call it? Retreat? We have a junior officer assigned to that and he works on a day-to-day basis.
I see.
So you only fire the cannon three times a year? That's correct.
This is a very delicate subject, sir.
That's why I hesitate to bring it up.
I don't want you to overreact.
Then get on with it.
I know that you believe that Cadet Springer while he was cleaning the gun, carelessly left the rag in there.
But if you could suppose for just a moment that somebody else put the rag in the gun.
Do you know, sir what the implications of that are? The implications are that somebody was trying to kill you.
I don't know what the hell you're talking about now.
If someone is cleaning a cannon and they leave a rag in it then it's an accident.
But if it was not Springer and someone was not cleaning that cannon and they put a rag in it then it was deliberate.
That's true.
And if it was deliberate and it was planned for Founder's Day one of only three days of the year that you fire the cannon then, sir I don't like to say this but obviously you were the target.
That's ridiculous.
It's ridiculous to speculate.
I shouldn't have brought it up.
I knew it would upset you.
I think you're working too hard, Lieutenant.
Everything is not a murder, you know.
In your business, accidents do happen, you know that.
People get hit by cars.
A boy could leave a rag in a gun.
You're probably right, sir.
Too long in homicide.
Always think the worst.
Now I can imagine that.
Oh, sir, would you do me a favor? Yes, certainly.
My wife, she's up in Fresno.
She's visiting my mother-in-law.
If it wouldn't be too much trouble don't want to put anybody out do you think I could spend the night here? No trouble at all.
I'll have them prepare one of the guest cottages for you.
I'd prefer the barracks, if it'd be all right? You know, be with the kids, life, you know.
Yes, it could be educational for you.
Why don't you stay at Pershing Hall? Could have another little chat with Mr.
Springer.
Wonderful.
I'll get someone to escort you.
That won't be necessary, sir.
I know where it is.
Besides, I have to pick up something in my car.
I'll tell Captain Loomis to expect you.
Still investigating, Lieutenant? Oh, nothing important.
Just a couple of little things.
Well, when you get finished, how about giving me a hand? Case of the sinister cider.
You know, I wanted to ask you about that.
I don't understand.
When I was a kid at camp, we always had cider.
This is the hard stuff.
Some of these kids, they bottle it up and they let it ferment in the night air.
When I was a kid, it was panty raids.
Oh, Morgan.
Sir.
Would you check Room 2245 for Lieutenant Columbo? See that he's made comfortable.
Yes, sir.
Do you have a match? I don't smoke.
I don't see Springer.
The colonel has placed him on punishment detail.
Because of the cleaning rag.
You know Cadet Springer denies leaving the rag in the gun.
Springer was responsible for the gun.
That's sufficient, Lieutenant.
I'll leave you in Morgan's hands.
If you need me, I'm quartered upstairs.
Lieutenant.
I hope this will be satisfactory, sir.
If not, we have plenty of others.
Do you have a match? No, sir.
I don't smoke.
There's a fresh toilet kit in this chest, sir.
Towels are in the closet.
If there's anything else, please feel free to call.
I didn't expect a room like this.
Problem, sir? No, these rooms are not what I expected.
What is it? Morgan? Yes, sir.
You know, I was in the army myself, Morgan.
We used to have one big room.
Upper bunks and lower bunks.
Fifty guys, and half of them were snoring and the other half, they were writing letters.
So there was no privacy.
Now, this is Well, granted it's not a dance hall but it's private.
I mean, if I had this when I was in the army I could've enjoyed it more.
I'm not sure "enjoy" is exactly the word you had in mind, Lieutenant.
Listen, if you need anything, let me know.
I wanted to ask you, Morgan about your new gym.
New gym, sir? Yeah, I understand you're building a new gym here.
That's the first I've heard of it.
The gym we've got is pretty new anyway.
It's only about seven years old.
No kidding? No, sir.
Well, I guess I'm mistaken.
Yes, sir.
Thank you.
Yes? Officer Corso? Yes? This is Lieutenant Columbo.
Who? Lieutenant Columbo.
We met today at the Military Academy.
Do you remember? Lieutenant, it's 3:00 in the morning.
Yes, I hate to disturb you at this hour but you said something today that has been bothering me.
You know, I couldn't sleep because of it and I finally went off.
And now it just woke me up.
What are you talking about? Those people out in Where did you say that was? Westlake? They reported hearing the noise.
Isn't that what you said? Yes.
But, you know, they fire that cannon every day.
How come they never heard the noise before? It was a very loud explosion.
I know, that's what's been bothering me.
Why is it so loud? Lieutenant, the gun never blew up before.
I see.
Well, I'm sorry I woke you.
I'm sorry, too.
Listen, go back to bed and get a good night's rest and thank you very much for your help.
Sure.
On your feet! Let's go! Formation in 30 minutes! Let's go! Everybody up! Come on! Let's go! Let's go.
Up! Up and at 'em, trooper.
Let's get with the program.
Everybody up.
Let's go, let's have it.
Formation in 30 minutes.
Let's go.
Morning, sir.
Sleep well? I slept good.
It wasn't the sleeping, it was the waking up.
The kid scared the life out of me.
Do you have an extra pair of socks? Socks, sir? Yeah, clean socks? No, sir.
I usually do my laundry on Monday night, so I wouldn't be able to have a fresh pair for you until tomorrow.
But meanwhile, I'll check into it for you, sir.
Yeah, I think I saw something like that on Cadet Springer.
That thing hanging around your neck.
What is that, like a good luck charm you fellows wear? No, sir, that's a pledge ring.
Some of us have girlfriends over at Valley Stream.
Valley Stream is a girls school, and that's a girl's ring.
Yes, sir.
You know, come to think of it we had something like that in high school.
I gave a girl named Teresa an identification bracelet.
I got it for my birthday.
Yes, sir.
You know, I ran into her.
Oh, it must've been about eight years ago at a wedding.
So she told me, she said she's still got it.
Well, I was pleased.
I'll let you know about the socks, Lieutenant.
Platoon, halt! Carry on, mister.
Carry on.
Yes, sir.
Good morning, sir.
I wanted to get over to see you in your office.
I saw you standing over here, so I just thought I'd have to tell you as soon as possible.
Tell me what? I suppose you saw the fellow I was talking to over there.
What fellow? Sgt.
Kennedy, ballistics, sir.
You see, I had this problem with the noise of the explosion.
Too loud.
Noise? Well, you know, they heard it way out in Westlake.
It's eight miles.
They've never heard the cannon go off before and, of course, that bothered me.
It woke me up.
It was 3:00 in the morning.
Well, that's a long story.
I don't wanna get into that.
The fact is that I called this fellow Kennedy and I asked him to check out something for me.
Regarding the accident? Well, let me tell you what he found.
I have it right here.
He took little pieces of metal from the breech of the gun and he had them analyzed.
Taken into the lab.
It's not good news.
In what respect? Minute traces of a "g", "e", gelignite.
Is that the right word? Gelignite.
Gelignite.
A gelignite called C4.
May I see that? That's a very powerful explosive, Lieutenant.
We don't use it here.
But that's the point, Colonel.
You see, you don't use it here.
Somebody had to alter the shell.
You understand? That with that much noise and that kind of force that somebody took the powder out of the blank charge.
That Sodium.
Nitrate.
Sodium nitrate.
Yes, sir.
They had to take that out and put this other stuff in.
That's not an accident, Colonel.
Now we are talking about murder.
Pure and simple.
You really think so? I'm certain of it, Colonel.
Then it's a very serious business.
If such a thing were proven it would be a black mark on the history of this academy.
You better get this investigation moving along.
Clear it up, man.
That's easy to say.
It's hard to do.
You see, the problem is, Colonel, I don't have any leads.
I got that boy Springer and I do intend to go back to him.
I want to check his file.
However, you do know how I feel about him.
I'll talk to Miss Brady and make sure that all files are made available to you.
As you see, it's a busy day.
Anything else I can do for you? I'd love a fresh pair of socks.
Where are you staying? Pershing Hall.
They'll be right over.
Size 10 and a half, 11.
On your feet.
How long have you been on this? Yesterday and today, sir.
Oh, yes, I remember.
I had to do it in my time.
You've talked with Lieutenant Columbo? Yes, sir.
What's your opinion of him? I have no opinion, sir.
He's not satisfied with your explanation.
The situation is a little more complicated than we had expected.
In fact, there is a distinct possibility that you may be charged with murder.
Now, hear this.
We have had our differences from time to time but I still think you'll make a good soldier.
So I can assure you that you can rely on me and the academy to stand behind you.
Understood? Carry on.
Everything is in strict order, Lieutenant.
I'd appreciate your keeping it that way.
Oh, absolutely, ma'am.
I realize how people feel about keeping their records neat and clean.
I can assure you I won't disturb anything.
Incidentally, this is in terrific condition.
Thank you.
That was a terrible thing that happened here yesterday, wasn't it? I guess you must have known William Haynes pretty well.
No, I rarely saw Mr.
Haynes.
Wasn't he the chairman of the board? Mr.
Haynes' contacts with the academy were infrequent and generally negative.
And I had as little to do with him as possible.
I see.
Holy cow, look at this.
Yes, what is it, Lieutenant? I see where Cadet Springer was caught sneaking off the academy grounds six times.
Well, that was last year.
He was seeing a girl.
What does that have to do with anything, Lieutenant? I do have work to get through.
Sorry, ma'am.
Everything is back in order.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Can I ask you something? Was my cigar bothering you? Just a little.
I should've known.
Can I ask you another question? It's only going to take a minute.
The dispute between the colonel and Mr.
Haynes yesterday it's my understanding it had to do with declining enrollment.
Is that what you understand? I don't know what the argument was about.
I do know that Mr.
Haynes was rude and arrogant.
Well, then you did hear the argument? Just a little.
The colonel brought me out something to file and left the door ajar.
But I can assure you that Mr.
Haynes did all the provoking.
Can you remember anything specific that was said? Yes.
Yes, one thing I'll never forget.
The colonel suggested to Mr.
Haynes that Captain Loomis preside at the ceremonies.
Now, if Mr.
Haynes had listened, he'd be alive today.
So, in a sense, it was William Haynes' temper that killed him.
Thank you very much.
You're welcome.
Excuse me, sir, can I help you? This is the gym? Yes, sir.
I mean, this is the only gym? Yes, sir.
Excuse me, sir.
Which way is north? That way, sir.
Trying to figure something out.
That's north, right? Yes, sir.
So if that's north, then that's east then there should be a door there.
Right there.
But there is nothing there but a wall.
Yes, sir.
That's a wall, sir.
I'm right, there's no door there.
That's no door, sir.
But this is crazy.
I was inside.
The locker room is here and the pool is here.
But where's this door? And where's the other gym? Sir, there's no other gym, sir.
Thank you very much.
Yes, sir.
Company, ten-hut.
Fall out.
Lieutenant.
We've got a problem.
Roy Springer.
He's gone.
What do you mean, gone? Well, we've searched the campus, and he's not here.
The colonel thought you ought to know in case you wanted to issue an All Points Bulletin.
I certainly do.
I'll do that immediately.
Thank you.
When was he seen last and where? About an hour ago, in MacArthur Hall.
Miss, excuse me.
Yes? I'm looking for a girl.
I'm sorry.
I'm not supposed to talk to strangers.
No, ma'am, I'm not a stranger.
I'm a police officer, and I'm looking for Susan Gerard.
I've read her file.
She went to school here last year or this year, I'm not sure.
Susie? Sure, Susie goes here.
Could you tell me where I could find her? Sure.
She's on that bus that's just pulling out.
Miss, can you tell me what she looks like? Say, are you sure you're a police officer? Absolutely.
Sure doesn't look like a police car.
If you could just give me a rough idea.
Is she tall? Is she short? Is she blonde? Brunette? Well, she's kind of average, I guess.
Blonde.
She's wearing a red sweater.
Thank you.
Hey, are you sure that badge is real? I hope you like cheese.
It's all they had in the machine.
It's terrific.
It's great.
Listen, I managed to scrape you about $20, if you need it.
Well, I don't need it.
I think I'm just going to try and bum a ride up north.
I guess.
Maybe I'll stay with those guys in San Francisco.
Roy, don't you think you ought to stay? No.
I mean, I know you didn't do it, but Somebody's trying to set me up.
Who's trying to set you up? How do you know he didn't do it? Colonel Rumford.
Lieutenant Columbo is waiting in your office with Cadet Springer.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Lieutenant.
Mr.
Springer.
Sir! Colonel, Cadet Springer I'm gonna talk for you for a moment, Roy.
Cadet Springer has decided to return to the academy.
I'm delighted that he is safely home.
Do you have any charges against him, or can I discipline him now? I have no charges.
I'm happy to hear that.
However, there are certain facts that we feel you should know.
I will welcome any information that would clear up the situation here and we can get this place back to our normal routine.
In that regard, sir the boy has been no help as far as who did it.
I mean, he has said nothing that points to anybody else.
You are satisfied that he didn't do it.
I'm sure you will be, too.
Mmm-hmm.
Roy.
Do you have something to say to the Colonel? Sir, it's impossible for me to have left that rag in the barrel of the cannon, sir.
Tell him why, Roy.
Because I didn't clean the cannon the night before the ceremony, sir.
Why not? I was off campus, sir.
Where? I would rather not say, sir.
I'm sure you wouldn't.
The fact is he was off campus.
He was? Yes, sir, he was.
And there's a second party that will verify his story.
So he has a good alibi? It's not an alibi, sir.
That's a fact.
Very well.
Mr.
Springer pending investigation of this serious infraction of the rules of the academy you are going to be confined to quarters until further notice.
Dismissed.
Yes, sir.
What do you think of him? I was thinking of you.
I know you don't like flattery but if you can stand it for just a moment I think it's a wonderful thing you did with that boy.
I'm flattered.
I know it didn't turn out that way but you told him to stand his ground, and you'd back him up.
He told you that? Yes, sir.
What would you like to do next? I keep thinking about this file.
What it says.
"This is a very obstinate young man "strong-willed and opinionated.
"It's as if he goes out of his way to take a contrary position.
"Tell him that snow is white, and he'll say that it's black.
"In this sense, his reactions are very predictable.
" Springer.
Springer? No, sir.
This is not Springer's file.
No, this is one of your old files.
This is William Haynes' file.
That's interesting.
What's interesting, sir? That at age 16 their characteristics should have been so similar.
But Mr.
William Haynes grew up to be a man without convictions.
I have higher hopes for Mr.
Springer.
When I think of Haynes and Springer and I think about this file the fact that their reactions are predictable I find something else interesting.
See, I'm a cop.
I got a different problem.
I got to catch somebody.
Who has keys to the arms room? The arms room? Yes, sir.
The criminal had to get into the arms room to change the charge in the casing.
In order to do that, he needed access to keys.
How many sets are there? Three.
Springer has a set, the officer of the day and I have a set that will open every lock on the campus.
Well, we know Springer wasn't on campus at the time.
So maybe somebody took Springer's keys or they took the keys of the officer of the day.
Or maybe they took your keys.
Impossible.
I think that the night before we had a staff meeting that went to I retired to my quarters where I slept soundly until I was awaken by my Boodle Boy at 6:30.
Left staff meeting at 2200 hours.
What time is that? Went to your quarters, slept soundly until Boodle Boy woke you.
During that time, could anybody have gotten your keys? I always lock up before I turn in.
So that means it either had to be Springer's set or the set of the officer of the day.
Maybe we're looking too hard at the cadets.
Maybe we ought to be looking at an expert in guns.
You know, explosives.
Well, this is a military academy, Lieutenant.
And as you know, the military do, from time to time deal with guns and explosives.
We have a number of experts right here on campus.
Would you put yourself in that category? Very definitely.
Question is who would have a strong enough reason to kill you.
You know somebody who has a grudge against you? Possibly.
I don't pretend to be beloved.
Can you think of a specific person? Not off-hand.
Now, think back, sir.
Go way back during the war.
Disgruntled soldier under your command? A rival? Jealously over a woman? No.
Some mentally deranged person? Nobody.
Nobody in the past, nobody in the present.
That adds up to nobody.
Maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe nobody's trying to kill you.
You know, I've been wrong before.
You know, you can get too complicated.
Bill Haynes was blown up.
Let's keep it simple.
Somebody was trying to blow up Bill Haynes.
What are we beating our brains in for? At least that way you can sleep easier.
Would you like to try one of quality, for a change? Well, thank you very much.
Will you join me? I didn't know you use them.
One a day.
Well, they feel very good.
And they smell very good, too.
Maybe you can use this.
Do you have a first name? I do.
My wife is about the only one that uses it.
We have similar jobs in a way.
I wear a uniform, you wear a I suppose you could call that a uniform.
I used to tell my cadets, you know, all the time sometimes it's harder to be a slob than to be neat and tidy and clean.
It's the wars, you see, the wars of nations.
When that stops, hang up the uniform.
I'll hang up my uniform.
I'll go and take care of my backyard.
I got some roses.
White roses.
And I suppose that when people stop abusing each other you'll hang up your uniform.
This is a first rate cigar.
You have a light? You didn't really try it yet.
What you were saying I talk about that kind of thing with my wife.
She reads a lot.
Excuse me.
Yes.
Mr.
Tate for you on line 23, sir.
And Captain Loomis is waiting to see you.
All right.
I'll take the call on There's something I want you to see.
I'm going to get it.
I'll be right back.
Wednesday afternoon.
4:30.
Yes, that will be fine, Mr.
Tate.
Let's meet outside the chapel.
Colonel Rumford? I didn't realize you were alone.
Excuse me for intruding.
I was at your office, Miss Brady she said you were on an inspection.
I am.
Oh, I thought this was a vacant dormitory.
It is.
I see.
But it will change.
Maybe not this year.
Maybe not next.
But it's going to change, mister.
You can put your money on it.
No more reluctant mama's boys.
No more 4F's, no more Section Eights.
This country is going to have the best damn army in the world.
And Haynes Military Academy will be a part of it.
In that regard I wanted to ask you about this blueprint.
Blueprint? I found it in Mr.
Haynes' car.
I'd like for you to take a look at it.
I got to tell you, sir that I was really confused by this.
I mean, I thought you were building a new gym and Of course I couldn't figure out why you were building a new gym if the enrollment was down and the one you got is only seven years old.
Of course, then it hit me.
This is the same gym only with some renovations.
I didn't authorize any changes.
But Mr.
Haynes did.
Or at least he was thinking about it.
But here's the thing.
This locker room, sir, right here.
Do you see that? I see it.
I've located the showers and the sink and the stalls.
I mean, I don't want to be indelicate, sir.
But if this is a boys locker room, there's something missing.
You get my point? No urinals.
That's it, sir.
And when I saw this, it occurred to me that gee, maybe Mr.
Haynes had the idea of permitting girls to come to this school.
William Haynes had some very strange ideas, Lieutenant.
That was one of them.
He used to run it up the flag pole from time to time, as they say.
Some crackpot scheme for turning this into a coed junior college.
But it never got further than talk.
Just talk.
Well, you're probably right, sir but still in all with the board of trustees meeting coming up this week I think Miss Brady just mentioned something like that.
I can assure you that if Mr.
Haynes had brought up the subject of a coed school it would have been turned down flat.
You're certain about it? Absolutely.
I'm in close touch with every single member of the board and I have their complete confidence.
In that case, sir I guess it wouldn't be necessary for me to personally check that out with each member of the board? You'll do what you have to do.
Fall out of there! Inspection.
Move out, inspection, come on! Everybody, let's go.
Inspection! What's happening? Snap inspection.
All right, gentlemen, attention! Come on, move it! It's 3:00 in the morning.
All assembled, sir.
Gentlemen, I realize that it's early in the day and this may take some hours.
Hours? But someone in this dormitory is fermenting cider.
And no matter how long it takes I intend to find the cider and punish the culprits.
Understood? Sir, yes, sir! Understood? Yes, sir! Nothing, sir.
Nothing, sir.
Nothing, sir.
We're not lucking out on this, are we? Nothing, sir.
This is the last room, sir.
It's almost 0400 hours.
The latrine.
Sir? Search the latrine.
Yes, sir.
Nothing, sir.
Captain.
Sir? Check.
Sir? Check the vent.
Check the vent! Yes, sir.
Anything? Anything? Nothing, sir.
Nothing? Nothing.
They won't get away with this, Loomis.
Everyone here is on report! Carry on.
Yes, sir.
Dismissed! Dismissed! Hey, clown, what are you doing? I thought he found it.
I don't understand it either.
He was looking right at it.
Maybe it's not there.
Of course, it's there, dummy.
I put it there myself.
Maybe somebody else took it.
You going to turn us in, Lieutenant? No.
But I do want you to do me a favor.
I want to know all there is to know about this cider.
Who, where, and when.
Yes.
Captain Loomis, sir.
Forgive the hour, sir, but it's urgent.
Meet me in the flag pole area at the parade ground immediately.
It's about the cider, sir.
Cider? Yes, sir.
It's about the cider.
I think I've got it.
All right.
Is that it, sir? That's it.
Whoever's in that room, have them fall out and form here.
Go to it.
Yes, sir.
On the double! Yes, sir! Have the whole second floor fall out! Yes, sir! Do you hear me, Captain? Yes, sir! The whole second floor! Yes, sir! Do you hear me? Hey, mister! Don't touch that! Don't move till Captain Loomis arrives! Anyone else in there with you? No, sir! You better be right! What is it, Colonel? What's happened? The cider, Lieutenant.
The elusive cider has finally materialized.
I knew it would.
Where'd you find it? There! Up there! Where are you pointing, sir? Where are you pointing? Second floor, fourth window along.
Holy cow, you're right.
There it is.
I gotta say this for you, sir, you never gave up on it, did you? You got a pretty good pair of eyes.
It's my job to be observant.
So that's how you knew about it.
You saw it before? Yes, of course.
When was that, sir? Gentleman, I'm waiting! I said when was it that you first spotted the cider, sir? During last week.
Wednesday or Thursday? I suppose so.
I'm surprised that you didn't start your investigation the moment you saw it.
That seems to be the way you do things.
Right away.
No delays.
Gentlemen! You're slow! You're very slow! Was it during the day or night, sir? Hmm, what? I said can you remember if it was during the day or the night? Day, of course.
All right, Captain.
Who was it? Morgan, sir.
Morgan, step forward.
All cadets remain where you are.
Lieutenant.
What the hell is going on here? That was a lie, Colonel.
It couldn't have been during the day.
Whoever was involved in the manufacture of liquor please raise your hands and say, "Me, sir.
" Me, sir.
Was the liquor ever hung out during the day? No, sir.
Captain Loomis.
Ten hut! Colonel.
It couldn't have been during the day.
Then it must have been night.
Logic, Lieutenant.
Logic.
Wednesday night? Thursday night? During the week.
No, sir, it was Saturday night.
The night before the explosion that Mr.
Haynes was killed.
I wasn't out Saturday night.
Was the cider ever hung out Wednesday or Thursday evenings? No, sir.
Friday nights? No, sir! When was the first time that the cider was hung out? Saturday night, sir! Then I'm mistaken.
It must have been Saturday night.
Could you be more specific? Was it closer to 10:00 or 2:00, or was it later? Maybe daybreak.
Early Sunday morning like 6:30.
It was impossible to be daybreak because as you know, Lieutenant I was in my quarters asleep until 6:30 when my Boodle Boy awakened me.
So either you saw it after 6:30 when you got up or you saw it earlier before you went to bed.
One or the other.
Obviously.
Who's responsible for bringing in the cider early Sunday morning? Right here, sir.
What time was that? How do you know it was 6:25? I had to bring it in before reveille otherwise everybody would see it, sir.
So you couldn't have seen it after you got up because it was no longer there.
And you didn't see it earlier because it was too dark.
I'll tell you when you saw it.
Between 6:15 and 6:25.
During those 10 minutes.
Not a minute earlier, nor a minute later.
Before 6:15, it was too dark.
Daybreak came at 6:15.
And the cider jar became visible.
And it was visible until 6:25 when it was pulled in the window.
And not only did you see it at that specific time, Colonel but you had to be standing in one specific place.
That's right, sir.
You see, you can't see the window from here.
The trees cover it.
That's the only place that you can see the window.
You have to be standing directly in back of the cannon.
Should I go on? Done a very nice job.
You know, I very much wanted to identify that rag immediately.
But I couldn't get it out.
But don't you expect me to be contrite, Lieutenant.
It had to be done.
And I'd do it again tomorrow.
Have you finished with my cadets? Yes, sir.
Give me a moment.
Gentlemen, I hear reveille.
That means that you have precisely 24 minutes in which to report to the mess hall for breakfast, correctly attired.
Shoes shined, buttons polished.
Any questions? No, sir! Immediately following breakfast those responsible for bringing cider on this campus will report to Captain Loomis for disciplinary action.
Captain, dismissed.
Fall out! Now, let's go.
Come on.