Comic Book Men s04e03 Episode Script

Man, you know what's fatiguing? Giving the fake laugh, man.
Customer service means you got to give the fake laugh at least 60 to 70 times a day.
You're just, like, fake laughing nonstop all day? You can't tell when I'm fake laughing, you guys? I just assume you're always fake laughing at me, so Correct assumption.
There is nothing worse than the fake laugh.
Getting a fake orgasm, that's got to feel worse.
Getting a fake one? No, like, if a woman tells you Oh, my God, how would I how would I know? Are you saying that you may not have - In in the bed? - No, it's definitely 100%.
You couldn't tell I was fake laughing! That's different.
Hello! Welcome to another episode of Comic Book Men, the only show that's suitable for children ages five to The Age Of Ultron.
I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
Gentlemen, what has been going on in the great state of New Jersey this week? Last week, a guy came in, a guy who I definitively made a connection with.
- Hi.
- Hey, man.
How you doing? My name's Gary, and I've got some books I want to show you, a piece of comic book history.
- All right.
- Boom.
Wow.
- X-Men 1.
- You're right, man.
- That is history.
- You want to see another one? I'd love to see another one.
Fantastic Four number 1.
Oh, my God, man.
This ushers in the Marvel age, right? - That's right.
- Go ahead, what else you got? - Avengers number 1.
- Oh, God.
- You have even more than this? - Wait till you see this.
Amazing Spider-Man numero uno, and last but not least, Fantastic Four number 48, as you know, the first appearance of silver surfer.
A piece of Marvel history here.
- Gary.
- Yes? You've just made our nerdgasm pop.
Mine pops all the time, you know? I can understand.
These are a big deal? - These are - The big deal.
This is what spawned a universe.
This is what spawned a juggernaut.
Fantastic Four, the Avengers, and the X-Men films all trace back to right here, man.
Really? This one, probably, is without a doubt the most important comic book in Marvel Comics history.
- Right? - For sure.
I mean, without the Fantastic Four, is there a Marvel comics? No, this is the book.
I mean, it's great stuff.
It was comic book history on the secret stash counter.
Dude, it was almost him and Gary on the secret stash counter.
We definitely were on the same wavelength.
We love the same things about comics.
I really, really, you know Want to marry him? Gary, where'd you get these at? Well, when I was 15 years of age, I loved comics, and I loved them so much, I started buying collections.
I bought them with my bar mitzvah money, and ever since then, I've been buying and selling comic books for a career.
You know, I have 800,000 comics now.
- 800,000? - Yes.
I'm a dealer, but I'm also a collector first.
You're a lover as well, I assume? Oh, yeah.
That's for sure.
- I have a wife - Well, I meant I meant nice work.
Right.
I meant lover of the art form.
I know.
I'm just jive talking.
But, yeah, this is wonderful stuff.
You can't tell he's jive - No.
- Slap him.
All right, gar, how much you think is sitting up on the counter right now? I'd say 11 grand at least.
The X-Men 1 is the prince.
I want 3,500 for this one.
- Really? - Yeah.
It's now known as the artist formerly known as prince.
All right, I'm gonna go after one of these.
I think it's gonna be Fantastic Four 48.
Okay, that sounds good.
275.
Could you do any better than 275? Ah, no! I'll do 225, bottom.
Come on, gar.
200? Are you did I have $75 worth of fun today? What the Heck? - You'll do it? - You got it.
- Here you go.
- Why, thank you, sir.
And I get to keep these lovelies? - Those are now keepsies.
- I love them.
Isn't that the best thing about comics? - It is.
- All right, Gary.
- You too.
- Awesome dude, man.
Oh, here he is.
What's so funny, man? It's like the catskills back here, dude.
I don't even I don't even come here to buy comics anymore.
I just come here to, like, get a few chuckles and Yuk-yuks back here in the in the old back of the shop.
Ah, Brian Quinn, ladies and gentlemen, is a co-host with Walter and Bryan on their podcast, tell 'em Steve-Dave!, and a TV star in his own right.
Him and his buddies have a show called impractical jokers on TruTV.
Guys sound like you're having a great time back here.
Yeah, we are.
All the shirts have been restocked? All the reorders have been put in at diamond, yeah? Yeah, yeah, everything's done.
What's with you? At this point, why don't you guys just do stand-up here, right? Oh, my God, do you know how much I would pay to watch these guys do stand-up? Come on.
It's not that hard.
You think you could go up onstage and make an audience laugh? Absolutely, I could.
Come on.
Can we find an open mic night? Dude, let's just have it here.
All right? I should just put an open mic here and have you guys go up there and tell your best material.
- Are you serious? - I'm not kidding around, man.
How awesome would that be, huh? Comedy night at the stash.
We turn this place into a comedy club.
You go up there.
We tell some jokes for people, make it a little competition.
Let's see who the biggest yukster is out of you chuckleheads.
I don't want to tell jokes.
I want to, like I want to emcee the night.
Oh, dude, that would be awesome, right, huh? Brian Quinn, emcee.
Why don't you do comic book related jokes? - That's a good idea.
- I would totally do that.
Next week, you guys all up for this? - You all in? - Yeah.
- I'm in.
- It's gonna be awesome.
Think I got something you might be interested in.
Absolutely, man.
Oh, look at that, huh? The O.
G.
Missing link.
What's going on, guys? - Hey, how you doing? - Hey.
Think I got something you might be interested in.
Oh, absolutely.
Always interested in a universal monster.
Remember this guy, huh? The gill-man, creature from the black lagoon, the O.
G.
Missing link between man and dinosaur.
Oh, yeah, and he was the last of the great universal monsters.
That's the Remco 1980 doll.
So mego at this point, when this figure's produced, has shut the doors Done.
Then Remco gets the universal monster license.
Eh, it's hard to be terrifying when you've got your baggy pajamas on.
They call him the pajama party gill man.
What I love about you is, you're still carrying a flag for these dopey-ass monsters that scare nobody anymore, man, still carrying it as ardently as people who are like, "the south will rise again.
" Like, you still believe big-time in the universal monsters, man.
Is this bad boy the top of the food chain? Is there anything he can't take down in the sea? Take down in the sea or take down in a lagoon where he lives, which is basically like a hillbilly watering hole? What are what are his natural enemies, like, frogs? Some tropical fish.
- A turtle? - Yeah, there there's, like, hardly anything he has to really prove himself against.
I disagree, man.
Look at those claws.
Look at even his toes are claws.
Look at those teeth.
Is there any other universal monster that could take him down if he was to go Mano a Mano? Well, definitely not in the water.
- If he's in the water - Right.
- No universal monster - I mean, Dracula with the - Nah, no question.
- Dracula with the cape? Weighed down, right to the bottom of the ocean floor.
- He tears him apart.
- Exactly.
Frankenstein, the big, big boots, - sinks right to the bottom.
- Right.
- The wolf - Man dogs can't swim.
- Yeah.
- Dogs okay.
I mean, I don't know if they can fight in water, but they can swim in water.
Do you remember the story of the creature from the black lagoon? Is it a story of, like, man gone wrong, or is he literally a monster from the jump? He's just a missing link.
He's he's a creature that survived the extinction from the dinosaurs.
He kind of is stuck in that lagoon.
I mean, I don't know.
Have you ever seen a lagoon? - I haven't.
- They're not big.
A lagoon is kind of like, what, a larger version of a lake essentially? Like, you could drain it like that and be like, "there he is.
" So you're looking to sell it today? - I am looking to sell.
- How come? Well, I'm doing some kitchen renovations and kind of need the money.
My wife wants a new stove.
This would help pay for the new stove.
What are you looking to get for it? - Ah, 250.
- 250? Yeah.
Mm, that's a little high, you know.
I mean, I don't know if you noticed - The buckle's broken on the back.
- Right.
The arm feels like it's about ready to give.
Pajamas got a rip right there in the inseam.
Yeah.
But the biggest factor is no box.
I mean, would you go willing to part with it for 150? You know, maybe you're not getting a top-of-the-line stove.
Maybe you're just getting a hot plate, but, you know, you can still make some soup.
Uh, I would do, like, 225.
Got to hit at least in the in the 200 range here.
- No? - Can't do it for can't do it.
Man, I'm gonna have to let him go, man.
Back to the lagoon with you.
- Worth a shot, though.
- All right, man.
I appreciate you bringing it in.
Thanks, man.
Appreciate it.
- Thanks, guys.
- Take care.
- Dude.
- Good luck.
Thank you.
It's always the toughest part of the game, man.
You think you threw your line in, and you're gonna pull up a gill-man.
Just pulled up a soggy, old, wet sock.
Oh, wow.
Whoa.
This is awesome.
Brian Quinn goes back to the first view askew office, when he was the very first assistant that we ever had.
So this was the early days of the view askew message board, and Brian used to post on it, so Quinn was like, "I went into the store to get a Mallrats book," "and the dude told me" "that your movies stink," and I said, "all right.
" "Well, you go back, and you give" "that bookstore dork some.
" He literally went and did it, man, and he sent us an audio tape of him attacking the bookstore clerk verbally so he goes back, and you hear him go like, "you remember me? You remember I bought a book here last week?" And the guy's like, "yeah, I guess.
" And he's just like, "well, I told Kevin Smith, "and he told me to give the bookstore dork some!" Like So right away, I was like, "anybody that does that gets to work at view askew.
" Oh, my God.
Oh, wow.
Whoa.
This is awesome.
- That does look great, man.
- That looks awesome.
Great black widow costume.
You should have went the full 10 yards and got the red wig, though, right? Tell me you didn't just say black widow.
Seriously? It's the baroness from G.
I.
Joe.
Well, I got to ask, so why are you dressed like this? This is actually something to inspire you to buy something off me, and that is a baroness on card.
- It's 1984.
- Oh.
All right, now we're talking.
Step back.
Let me see your costume here.
It's like she it's like she just walked out of the card.
Excellent job, my friend.
In the whole G.
I.
Joe world, there were like, what, maybe three females? - Yeah, yeah.
- There was Scarlett.
There was Lady Jaye, and then there's the baroness.
You know, everybody had to have it.
Now, you didn't have, like, a crush on any of the female characters of the cast? Come on.
Come on.
Did I have a crush on a - Oh.
- Your wife does.
She was the best out of all of them, though, if you ask me.
I'm a big cobra fan, so I don't concentrate on the G.
I.
Joes as much.
I like that.
The characters were much more interesting.
G.
I.
Joe was right in my wheelhouse.
It was what I collected, and I always thought the baroness was a badass character, and I was always a fan of the evil side.
I always gravitated towards evil for some reason.
Is that really the kind of thing you want to admit to friends? "I was always gravitating toward evil.
Cats went missing.
" Where did you get this? I got this at a Joe con several years back, but I need to sell it for animal charities now.
Cats that have diabetes and stuff, they don't get adopted out as easily, so I want to help out with that any way I can.
So the baroness has a heart then? I do, yeah.
That's very admirable.
What do you want for this? Well, I was thinking 75.
Well, what does it go for on the aftermarket today? I mean, this is basically a loose figure.
It's been out of the packaging.
It's ripped.
On the plus side, it's un-punched.
- Yeah.
I noticed that.
There's no - That's That's big.
This is a tough figure to find, so we could probably get about 75 bucks for it.
I mean, if we're gonna go even close to that $40.
Come on, you P.
O.
S.
Come on.
This is about a this is about a charity.
This is to help kitties.
- All right, how about this? - You know what? You know what? Me, Bry, and zap here will put in 25, and then you don't have to worry about being taken advantage of by the baroness.
No, no, no.
I'll throw some money in too.
- All right.
- I'll throw in some money.
You can throw in my 25.
Fine.
- Here, here you go.
- All right.
- All right, baroness.
- Thank you, guys.
- Thank you.
- Have fun helping the animals.
I'll come out in my regular clothes later and see if you can guess who I am.
- An annoying customer? - Bye.
Thank you, guys.
Thank you.
Keep doing the good work.
So we deck the place out.
It looks great, and then we actually fill the place up too.
People were actually interested in coming in and - and checking it out.
- Did you charge? - Was it free? - Well, it wasn't really free.
It was a two comic book minimum.
Come on, this is a genius, an American genius.
All right.
Thank you.
Thank you.
First off, I'd like to introduce our emcee for tonight.
From the podcast tell 'em Steve-Dave! And the hit television show impractical jokers, Mr.
Brian Quinn.
Yeah, all right! Hey! Wow! Well, well, well.
What's going on, everybody? Oh, super excited to be here.
Isn't this the greatest comic bookstore in the world? This place is top-notch.
Walter's put together a great store.
Great prices, great stock.
Pity about that staff, though, huh? Seriously, does anybody work around here? What, does Kevin Smith run, like, a rehab program for unemployable middle-aged losers? Ho ho, Sunday Jeff, ladies and gentlemen.
I had Sunday Jeff come in, and he was playing drums.
You know, a little rim shot on the side.
- Oh, get out of here.
Really? - He works here on Sunday.
That's why they call him Sunday Jeff.
All right, ladies and gentlemen.
Let's get your first comic up here.
Ming Chen, ladies and gentlemen.
Ming Chen.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Hello, everybody.
Does anybody know what's deader than Peter Parker's Uncle Ben? Mike Zapcic's love life in the bedroom.
That life is dead, and it ain't coming back.
It ain't coming back.
Anybody want to see an impression? Why does Aquaman's wife wear a seashell bra? Where did you get those wonderful toys? I have no idea.
Let's have some fun.
You guys ready to have some fun? The night comes.
You know, the place is packed, and I'm starting to get nervous for these guys, because I don't want to see them humiliated and throw 'em the wolves.
You only put all these things in in motion, and then at the zero hour, you're like, "oh, I hope it doesn't hurt 'em that bad.
" You did everything but sell tomatoes.
My wife comes to me, and she's like, "you know what? "Everything you need to know about a successful marriage boils down to the 1989 Batman.
" You know, last time I satisfied her, she sat back, and she's like, "where did you get those wonderful toys?" - Finally.
- It kills every time.
Why does Aquaman's wife wear a seashell bra? I have no idea.
'Cause her boobies are too big for a "b-shell" bra.
That's why.
I saw that ming was here earlier tonight or, as his kids call him, the invisible man.
I didn't recognize what that sound was at first, and I was like, "oh, my God.
That's laughing.
" Bryan's funny as hell.
He is a funny guy, but I almost put all my eggs in your basket, because what's in your wheelhouse if not comic books? - So I thought, like - Comedy.
Like Walt Flanagan, I don't like this cosplay craze.
They say it's short for costume play, but I think it might really be short for: 'Cause-I'm-a-socially-awkward- nerd-with-no-friends- who-hates-their-own-existence- so-much- it's-preferable-to-constantly- pretend-I'm-anyone-but-myself play.
Why is your voice so high-pitched? 'Cause your hand is up my butt.
That's why.
Anybody want to see an impression? Look, it's Spider-Man.
Thwip, thwip, thwip, thwip, thwip.
I'm Spider-Man.
Thwip.
That's all I got for you guys.
You guys are beautiful.
Now you know why they call him ming the merciless.
Thank you so much.
All right, nice work.
Nice work.
Ah, God, you did great.
You did great.
All right, Bryan Johnson, ladies and gentlemen.
Give it up.
Come on.
Give it up for Bryan Johnson.
All right.
Whoo! You killed it, buddy.
I'd say you could quit your day job and get into comedy, but what day job? Ho! It's everybody's favorite time of the evening.
It's when you guys get to judge and pick who did the best job, so with no further ado, please welcome back to the stage Ming Chen, Michael Zapcic, and Bryan Johnson.
Come on out, guys.
Come on.
Okay, ladies and gentlemen, if you think that ming chen did the best job, please applaud now.
Oh, buddy.
Really? Seriously? Ladies and gentlemen, if you think that Mike and Vicky did the best job, please applaud now.
All right.
Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together if you think that Bryan Johnson did the best job.
There it is.
Wow.
I think Bryan wins.
Wow.
It's a trophy.
You still thought you had a chance while you were up there, didn't you? Yeah, yeah, and I heard his plane crash.
I saw his train wreck.
Even after you handed me the cup, he thought he won.
You had no idea that you were the worst comic standing.
I will say this, though.
Major props.
I mean, I-I couldn't do it.
I wouldn't do it.
- And didn't do it.
- You didn't do it.
Oh, man, and that's gonna wrap it up for another edition of Comic Book Men.
I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
We'll be here all week, kids.
Don't forget to tip your waitresses.
Good night.