Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015) s04e03 Episode Script
I'm On My Own Path
1 - Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend - Do you know any good therapists? Josh, it's not about checking a box and getting a fancy label for what's bothering you.
Look within.
REBECCA: I still love you, Nathaniel, but I meant what I said in the courtroom.
You know? About being a better person I want to do that.
Can you stop overthinking everything? Okay, I'm not overthinking things.
- I'm trying to be a good person.
- Really? Because from where I'm sitting, every time we're happy, you try to ruin it.
I don't know how insurance works.
Me neither.
We can figure those things out.
Me and you.
We'd like to offer you the position of junior partner.
REBECCA: This is objectively fantastic, right? Wow.
Wow, wow, wow, wow.
Wow.
I am sorry, I just need to get a smoothie.
I didn't have any breakfast, and I-I get weird - Where are you going? - When I don't have protein.
I'm just I was going to I'm just going to the deli on Broadway.
You like to work? That's the first I've heard of it.
Uh, I got a hop off.
I'm really working hard here.
Bye.
So, I cannot be here today, but let's reconnect tomorrow and get to know each other.
Can we get back to work, or am I boring you? Let's just do this stupid meeting with these stupid clients! Meet Rebecca She's the coolest girl in the world Wait, wrong Rebecca It's this one over here She's spunky, she's sweet, a generous friend Oh, but there she looks kind of mean Hmm.
Okay, she's snarky Sarcastic and a What? You know, we're not really seeing a common theme Meet Rebecca She's too hard to summarize So let's go back to Other Rebecca.
I live in this park.
(inhales deeply, exhales) Hey, Rebecca.
Hey.
How'd it go? A bar association is no joke, man.
It's a long line of identical-looking old white men, all with this look on their face.
(growls) Okay, so, what did they say? Well, they said, "Uh, thank you for your answers, Mi Bunch.
"We will review your case and notify you next week "via a registered letter about whether you can still practice law.
" Oh, I'm not worried.
Look, they won't disbar you.
The criminal charges against you were dropped.
That hearing was just a formality.
- You think? - Yeah.
I'm sure.
In the meantime, you have got to come back to Whitefeather.
I mean MountainTop.
My God, that name is such a barf.
Bert's a kook.
Tim's an idiot.
Darryl's still on paternity leave.
Jim has disappeared, like, poof.
And Nathaniel is just stomping around the office like a sad, handsome baby.
Rebecca, we really need you at work.
AKOPIAN: Do you want to go back to work? Yeah, I do.
I'm great at it.
Plus, I had a tapeworm in jail, so I'm looking pretty fit.
So, yeah, yeah, I'm ready.
I'm gonna walk in that building, go to the coffee shop in the lobby and tell Martin to fire up my usual super-sweet latte with extra soy foam for my tapeworm.
Okay.
Because you know you don't have to be a lawyer.
There are other fields.
Other fields? Nah, I think the ship sailed on that a long time ago.
I just want you to be mindful about what makes you truly happy.
Got it.
It's a good note, it's a good note.
I will keep that in mind as I go back to the only thing anyone has ever paid me or valued me for.
(exhales) Josh? Hey, Rebecca.
Hey.
What are you doing here? Well, I'm in therapy.
Wait.
Josh Chan is in therapy? Double wait.
You go to my shrink? Oh, I-I go to her husband, Davit.
He has better Yelp reviews, actually.
Oh, that's on me.
I left some bad reviews on her when I was spiraling.
A lot of fake accounts.
It was a dark time.
Oh.
I should delete those.
- Yeah.
Maybe.
- Anyway, um Oh, my God.
Good for you.
Josh Chan in therapy.
- (chuckles) - Gettin' deep.
Um Actually, do you have a do you have a s-second? Yeah, please.
You probably know this, but I've been trying to take responsibility for things, and I've been trying to find the right time to tell you that what I've done to you the last couple of years is awful.
It's some of the worst stuff I've ever done to anyone.
It was stalking.
It's inexcusable.
And if I'd been a man, I would have been in jail a lot sooner.
I-I appreciate you saying that, Becks.
Um, I've been meaning to talk to you about some of the things I did, also.
Hmm? Like, when I moved in with you but acted like we were casual that was gas-lighting.
You know what? We both made mistakes.
What matters is you're getting support now.
- And I'm so happy for you.
- Yeah.
I am.
And-and, uh, you know, I'm also learning to look within, understand my emotions.
Um, I-I recently made a big decision.
Are you finally moving out of Hector's mom's house? No.
She's awesome.
I'm starting to date.
Oh.
I'm gonna go on the apps.
(chuckles) Oh.
I'm looking for a real relationship.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
I Should I have told you that? - Is that weird? - Oh, my God.
No.
Not weird at all.
In fact, I'm gonna need the deets on that.
- (laughs) - No.
Because there's going to be a feeding frenzy in the Cov.
- Don't.
- Oh, my God.
Josh Chan's on the apps? Like, people's brains are gonna explode.
(indistinct chatter) (cheering, applause) Hey.
Like, no judgment, like, at all, but why is your shoe off in my public eating establishment? - My shoe hurts.
- Mm.
I smashed my toe surfing Little Dume, and now look.
Got a big hole in my toe.
Uh, that's really gross.
You need to call your doctor, like, right now.
- No, I'm fine.
- No, baby, call him.
I don't want baby to lose a toe.
I love baby's toes.
And baby's hairless arms.
And baby.
Aw.
I love you, too, kitty cat.
Meow, meow, meow.
Meow.
Meow.
Meow.
Meow.
Aw REBECCA: Back to Whitefeather, everybody.
Martin, fire up the bean machine.
Me and my big ol' worm are thirsty! Gasp.
Hi.
What is this place? It's a 1920s speakeasy.
No, it's not.
It's a corporately-owned pretzel store.
- That just appeared in my lobby? - Hey, wait.
You look familiar.
Why is that? I Jim? Jim, What are you doing down here? I own this place.
No, you don't.
You're a lawyer, like me.
- He's a lawyer, like me.
- Not anymore.
I quit the law.
What? You No, no, you can't do that.
I can and I did.
I got sick of it.
Plus, uh, Pretzel Central was recruiting branch owners, and the coffee shop that was here closed, so here I am.
Huh.
Wow.
So you're just gonna throw away all those years of law school, all that time studying for the bar, - all that time taking the bar - I know the process to become a lawyer I just don't want to do it anymore.
It sucks.
AJ: I'm with her.
It's dumb to quit being a lawyer.
I'm majoring in pre-law myself.
Oh, no, no, no.
Bad idea.
Trust me.
Being a lawyer is the worst.
Now, stand back and let me tell you my tale of woe.
(upbeat pop intro plays) Whoo! Ah! 20 years old, pretty smart kid Didn't know what I wanted to do So I took the LSAT, and then just like that Got accepted at Glendale U Everyone said it was a real safe bet A prestigious and lucrative vocation So I set out on a journey to become an attorney Without a moment's hesitation But here's some free advice - I'm givin' - When it comes to deciding what to Do for a livin' Don't be a lawyer Don't do it Quickest way to ruin your life Don't be a lawyer Not worth it It'll leave you dead inside The job is inherently crappy That's why you never met a lawyer who's happy It's a guaranteed Soul destroyer Don't be a lawyer Law school debt, daily regret Is that what you dreamed of as a kid? Or did you hope one day that you'd find a way To spend four years working on a Pharmaceutical company's merger With another pharmaceutical company? Your only expertise Is runnin' up fees And speaking legalese like a dick But it's not too late to avoid this fate Find any other job to pick Sure, your parents might think you're a failure But no one's ever said First let's kill all the tailors Don't be a lawyer I'm serious It really, really sucks Don't be a lawyer No one you work with looks like Ally McBeal There are so many other professions That don't turn you into Jeff Sessions Just say no To the lawyer employer No! Don't be a lawyer What about human rights law? No money, no, no money Environmental law? No money, even less money Immigration law? No money, plus it's a bummer Okay, but what if one day you make it to the Supreme Court? It'd be great to be on the Supreme Court But you'll never be on the Supreme Court There's truly no chance of that happenin' The preceding song in no way reflects the views of CBS and the CW Network.
Aw, screw it.
Aah! (thump) See? Don't be a lawyer.
AJ, don't listen to him.
Being a lawyer is perfectly fine.
Now, I would like a pretzel to go on my way up to my legal job, which is fine.
Cinnamon, please.
Okay.
Wait, I know how I know you.
You're the Rooftop Killer.
I dressed as you for Halloween.
- Wait, you did? - Mm.
- What did you wear? - Some white girl crap.
That tracks.
Thank you.
(sniffing) Mmm.
Mmm.
- Hi, everyone.
I'm back.
- BERT: Hello, Rebecca.
- Glad you're not locked in the slammer anymore.
- Mmm.
I wanted to let you know about a few changes around here Oh, don't worry.
Paula filled me in.
Uh, it's called MountainTop now.
Cool sign, bruh.
Thank you.
Hi, Nathaniel.
BERT: Oh, that's his sad baby walk.
Oh, boy.
He hates Bert.
- What? - And then he found out you were coming back and went on, like, a silent strike and is all upset 'cause no one cares.
It's adorable.
He got blinds just for that moment.
Mm.
He did great.
Yeah.
Okay, Wendy LeGrand is first up today.
She has been asking and asking when you're coming back.
And since she is our biggest client, it has been so hard stalling her.
Don't worry, 'cause I'm back now, 'Kay? Come on.
Let's do this.
Okay.
Yeah.
Rebecca, your absence was certainly felt around here.
While you were out, Tim handled my account.
As you can imagine, there were significant oversights.
I told you that the reason I missed that zoning meeting is because I used to share a watch with Jim, but he's no longer here - Shh - Ah.
Well, the good news is that you don't need Tim anymore, because, uh, Bunch is back, bitches! (laughing) I'm not bitches.
I'm one bitch.
A bitch who wants her business handled correctly.
Wendy, you're absolutely right.
So, I took a look at those zoning issues.
And, first of all, I have to say, the city council's conservation easement is, like, one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my entire life.
Well, what do we do about the open space bylaws? REBECCA: Bylaws? More like bye-bye, laws, because we're gonna exploit all the loopholes like crazy.
Um, in summation, loop, there it is.
(chuckles) - Yeah.
There she is.
- (laughs): Yeah, that's Don't throw it out in here.
It's a zucchini shake.
It'll smell.
Okay.
I'm so sorry about him.
Um, Wendy, I'm here for you now.
You don't have to worry anymore.
This is what I do.
It's what I'm good at.
Oh, my God, Rebecca, you handled that meeting so well.
Oh, it's so great to have you back.
It's like you never left.
You just got right back in the swing of things.
I knew you would.
(sighs) Thank you.
(chuckles) Yeah.
I mean, I'm back at work, and I'm already crushin' it.
Wow.
Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.
This is great.
Wow, wow.
This is fantastic.
Right? - I know.
- It's objectively f this is objectively fantastic.
Like, on paper, fantastic, right? Wow.
Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.
Rebecca? I'm sorry.
I just need to go get a smoothie.
I didn't eat breakfast, and I get I get weird when I don't have protein.
So, I'm just gonna go grab something to eat.
(elevator dings) Hey.
Are you hiring? So, do you, like, still dance hip-hop? You were so amazing in high school.
You did that one Usher medley.
Oh, my God, (exhales) Yeah.
- I still think about it.
- (chuckles) Really? Like, a lot.
(chuckles) I-I dance sometimes.
For a while, I was a go-go dancer at Aluminum.
Like, the gay bar? - Yeah.
- Hmm.
That's cool.
I've been to, like, eight bachelorettes there.
That was after I left the priesthood and before I started living with Hector's mom.
- Sorry, Hector's mom? - Uh-huh.
Do you guys, like, hook up? What? No.
(chuckles) We're just roommates.
Although my therapist says she might be fulfilling a larger role in my life.
Okay, wait, Josh Chan is in therapy? I mean, I knew you dated that crazy girl, but I didn't know that you might be crazy, too.
- (gasps) - Oh, my God.
Are you, like, schizo? No.
I-I'm just introspective.
Uh-huh.
Cool.
Cool.
Oh! Hey! My phone.
Uh, it's buzzing.
Hello? Oh, you're here? (sighs) Sorry, my Uber's outside.
Um, wait, when did you call them? Oh, I didn't.
They called me.
They do that now.
They call to see if you need a ride.
Uh, yeah, I'm at Home Base.
I'll be right out.
Sorry, got to protect my rating.
- You get it.
- Yeah.
Totally.
Um It-it was nice meeting you.
Uh-huh.
Bye.
(gasps) Oh, hey, Jim.
Jim.
Okay, you'll never guess what happened.
So, three people came in, and they ordered pretzels.
They ordered plain, cinnamon, and jalapeño.
And I got them the pretzels.
And I gave them the pretzels.
And they bit into the pretzels and they were truly happy.
Like, that's what happy looks like.
She also forgot to charge them.
I paid for them myself.
AJ, don't be a narc.
I'm sorry.
I'm just still so confused that you work here.
- It is temporary.
- (elevator dings) Um, honey, I got a text from Jim that you're working here? I was going to text you myself, Paula.
So I went back up to work, and something felt off.
And I realized it's because I don't know if I'm gonna be disbarred yet.
I'm waiting for that letter from the bar association, and it feels unethical.
You get it.
Yeah.
Okay.
But Wendy's coming back for another meeting.
What do I tell her? Tell her that I'm working here for a while and she can come by for a cinnamon on the house.
We don't give people things on the house.
No.
(sighs) Oh, hey, Jim.
Miss you upstairs.
- Really? - No.
Rebecca, I am not bringing Wendy by for a pretzel.
In fact, if she walks by and sees you here, I'm gonna tell her that you have a dumb twin sister who works at a stupid pretzel shop.
(door opens) So, I sent a picture of my toe to my doctor.
And he said go to the emergency room.
Okay.
That's what I thought.
Let's go.
Wait, are you insane? It costs $300 to text a doctor.
An emergency room visit will cost thousands of dollars, and I have no health insurance.
I Right.
So just use my insurance.
I can't.
We're not related.
Right.
So let's just get married.
What? I mean, toe aside, just seems easier all around, so what do you think? What? What? I think it's a great idea.
I have a lunch break, too.
You want to go? I do.
I do.
Congratulations.
You're married.
That's it? It's over? Or just beginning.
Good luck with your toe.
(both chuckle) (sniffles) You're so beautiful.
(chuckles) Stop.
I'm so happy.
(sniffles) I love you so much.
Baby, me, too.
(chuckles, sniffles) (sniffles, chuckles) Okay, now I'm crying.
(chuckles) (both crying) I love sugar.
I love the sugar.
I love doing the sugar.
Dibs on the sugars.
'Kay.
JOSH: Whoa.
It's true.
You really do work here.
Cool.
Yeah, yeah.
For a little-little while.
Hey, how's the dating going? Give me the update on the apps.
The "appdate.
" (chuckles) (sighs) It's not been going great.
Well, maybe you're swiping the wrong people.
Let me help.
- I have amazing taste in people.
- Is that true? Definitely not.
But I want to swipe.
Come on.
All right.
Oh.
Okay, well, this is easy.
First of all, we're gonna reject anyone from University of Blank or Blank State.
So good-bye, University of Ohio, Florida, Arizona State Go, Sun Devils! Is that Jim? Yeah, he's my boss now.
It's Don't ask.
Okay Wait, wait.
Who-who cares where someone went to college? (laughing) Oh.
Once I loved you.
Amazing.
Mm, all right.
Oh, here's a girl.
Zoe.
Huh.
She went to Brown, which, normally, I'd say, "Blah.
" But she studied art history, and I happen to know Brown has a good art history program.
I feel good about Zoe.
I think she's gonna get you.
She's gonna get you, Josh.
- (phone chimes) - (gasps) And you matched.
Already.
Am I smart enough for her? Yes.
You are perceptive and kind, and that's a very valuable type of intelligence.
Trust me, it'll be Louvre at first sight.
(chuckles) Louvre.
(chuckles) Good one.
(both laughing) WENDY: Nathaniel, glad you're here.
What do you think about Rebecca's easement proposal? PAULA: I'm sorry.
I-It's a whole thing.
Fine with me.
Eye candy.
Doesn't talk.
That works.
Where's Rebecca? PAULA: She is She works at a pretzel shop downstairs.
(laughs) Geez, Tim! (chuckles) Who are you, Narc Twain? (laughs) She doesn't work there.
Um, she's just having a little fun till she comes back full-time.
It's like a a-a tiny gap year.
(gasps) A gap year.
I did one of those.
So did Malia Obama.
She went to South and Central America and learned a lot about herself.
I went to Arkansas to help my aunt raise her five kids after her husband put a gun in his mouth.
I learned a lot about myself, too.
My tubes are tied.
Who is working on my case? Miss LeGrand, do not worry.
Your case is of the utmost importance.
Great.
You know what's also of the utmost importance? That Rebecca come back.
Now.
Yes.
I am an artist.
Okay, Jim, I went to the market, and I got some new ingredients to make these exciting new flavors.
We got chocolate peanut butter, vanilla lavender, and honey bacon.
Uh, that one's not kosher.
(laughs) They're all not kosher.
Corporate won't let us do new flavors.
I can't even put extra salt on a pretzel.
They're really strict about what we can and can't sell.
Yeah, I worked at the Pretzel Central in Claremont.
The owner there put extra frosting on his almond pretzels.
He got banned from the franchise and excommunicated from the church.
They have so much pull.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I've already been selling these.
Forgot to tell you.
Love you.
But really, they've been selling like hotcakes, which is funny 'cause they're pretzels.
Whoa, new idea.
Hotcake pretzels.
No, no, no.
No, no, you can't do that.
If it's not approved by corporate, it could get me shut down.
I'm scared of those people, and I like to follow rules.
Jim.
Who's gonna tell 'em? Narc Zuckerberg over here? Maybe.
(scoffs) Do you have a notebook where you're brainstorming narc puns? Maybe.
Jim, don't forget your mission, why you're doing this in the first place.
You're striking out on your own.
And I'm right by your side, pal.
We're gonna forge our own path.
I'm just trying to be a small business owner.
Boo, you got to get it together.
Just follow the rules.
You're worrying me.
AUTHOR (English accent): Svalbard.
A Norwegian archipelago nestled in the Arctic Ocean and the birthplace of the Scandinavian primitivist movement.
Wake up, Josh! Rebecca was lying to you.
Zoe is never going to like you unless you learn some art.
Now, look alive, young chap.
I'm not reading this for my health.
I already know what it says.
I wrote it.
Okay, okay, you're right.
I-I'm sorry.
AUTHOR: Now I have to start over.
Bollocks.
Okay.
Svalbard.
A Norwegian archipelago nestled in the Arctic Ocean Hey, Cookie? I don't mean to bother you, 'cause I know you're enjoying yourself, but have you gotten that bar association letter? Can you come back to work? Like, now? BERT: Wendy, w-wait, hold on a second.
Oh, hey.
Look who's here.
It's our big client, Wendy.
And we're here with our most important client, here at Pretzel Central.
(whispers): I'm so sorry.
I-I tried to stop her, but, of course, I couldn't put hands on her, so I tried to control her movements with my eyes, but I seem to have lost my powers.
I had to see this for myself.
This is insane.
Rebecca, that apron makes you look Pretty? Poor.
Guys, I'm fine.
And Wendy, I will be back before you know it, and then you and I can take that easement and make angry love to it.
- AJ: Here.
- Yeah, this one's on the house.
- Let's go.
- PAULA: All right.
AJ: So, when are you gonna tell them you got the letter and you're free to practice law? How do you know about that, Narcer Posey? Whoa.
(laughs) - Whoa.
- Yeah! Welcome home, my bride.
Oh.
Wow, bride.
We're married.
I know.
- Right? - So, I was thinking for the actual wedding we can do doves.
I was thinking lots of flowers.
I was thinking my abuela can do a hymn.
Wedding? We already had a wedding.
- I know.
And-and it was sweet.
- Mm-hmm.
But now we can have a real wedding with the people we love.
Oh, you're one of those.
You mean a person? - Well - Heather, I've been thinking about our wedding for a while now.
Like, before the toe proposal.
I want a real wedding.
You in a white dress, and me in a tux.
(chuckles) - In a church.
- Hector.
Come on, we don't need to make our love into some big production.
I mean, our culture turns human emotion into some consumer trade show.
Our love, our actual love, is better than waffle makers and ice cream makers and pasta machines.
By the way, I'm so starving.
But that's not, like, who we are.
Right? (chuckles softly) No, I guess not.
I guess you know, I guess we can wait.
And-and maybe for our ten-year anniversary, we can renew our vows and do a small barbecue.
Thank you.
That sounds perfect.
- Yep.
- You get it.
REBECCA: How do you know I got the letter from the bar association? You threw it in the garbage.
So you just picked it up? No.
I picked it up and read it.
Congratulations.
You can practice law again.
Look, don't tell anybody.
Please.
Please.
Be my hero.
Be my Joan of No-Narc.
Wow, you really don't want to be a lawyer, do you? Well, what are you gonna do Stay in this pretzel shop - forever? - I don't know what I'm gonna do.
What do you guys think I should do? You know me better than anyone.
You've been with me since I got here.
What am I doing, talking to pretzels? (folk music playing) We are merely pretzels That is all we are This woman's obsession with us Is frankly quite bizarre We used to simply be A starchy snack that people ate But now we are a symbol Such is our twisted fate We've been smothered in the mustard Of her quest for happiness There's a lot of pressure on us This we must confess We didn't ask to be in charge Of someone's mental state Just let us be some happy carbs Spare us this twisted fate We've been "a-salted" by her yearning To make her life a cogent tale Sure, it's nice to be kneaded But now the whole thing's Getting stale Oh, can't some soft and chewy pretzels Finally get relief We are hurtin' from the burden Of being someone's life motif She could switch to pizza bagels If it's not too late It's the yeast that she could do To save us from This twisted fate.
TRULY BUTTER: Ugh, tell me about it.
Ah the age-old question: pretzels or law? Pretzels or law? Oh, hey.
Heya.
- Hey.
- Hello, friends.
Wait.
No.
What's going on here? What's up? What's up is you got married and didn't want to have a wedding? That's like getting married and not wanting to have a wedding.
How did you know I got married? The judge tagged you on Instagram.
Also, Hector told us.
Okay, well, look, our wedding is private.
No.
Body parts are private.
Weddings are for everybody.
Okay, I'm really regretting giving you a key.
Also, did Hector ask you to come here? Actually, after your sad court ceremony, he did call and ask us to plan something.
And then he said you didn't want to do it.
He said that you talked him out of it.
No, that's not what happened.
We had a discussion and decided to do our own thing and just follow our own path.
Our path? Sounds like your path.
Look, I care about Hector and his happiness.
Yeah, I can't say that with a straight face.
We just need a beautiful couple for our website.
Okay? We keep doing weddings for some real uggos.
BETH: She's right.
It's a nightmare.
It's like we're attracting them.
Yeah, it's like, some people should legally not be allowed to get married.
(laughs) What? Mm JOSH: I mean, I like impressionism because it disrupted the aesthetic of the overly realistic paintings that were being shown in the Salon in Paris at the time, which was not a hair salon, by the way.
(laughs) Huh.
I actually think that's an unfair generalization of the Academy painters of the late 19th century.
(scoffs) Yeah.
- (laughs) - (laughs) Um, sorry.
I wasn't expecting you to disagree with my statement, which I had perceived as fact.
Josh, can I stop you? I appreciate your effort, but I didn't come on this date to talk about art.
But you're all about art.
Not after 8:00 p.
m.
After 8:00 p.
m.
, I am all about shirtless deejays.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Is my bro DJ Skin-man spinning tonight? Dude! (chuckles) No, um, I meant I meant you.
- Me? - Yeah.
Your dating profile is seven pictures of you shirtless.
Your Instagram is you shirtless, - doing karate.
You totally show off your bod.
What? That's not me showing off my bod.
Those are my hobbies.
Yeah, I've been doing them since I was a kid.
I'm My shirt is off because I run hot.
Yeah, you do run hot.
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
(gasps) Oh.
(exhales) I'm sorry.
I misunderstood what this date was.
I wanted to sleep with a hot deejay, and you wanted to talk about the epistemological feud between Manet and Jean-Léon Gérôme.
Huh? What? No.
So confused.
So you're not interested in a relationship? Gosh, sorry.
My Uber's calling.
Mm.
Oh, yeah.
I-I just heard about that.
Yeah.
It's a thing.
Hello.
I'll be right out.
Hey.
Hey.
Rebecca, what are you doing here? It's from the bar association.
(muttering) Ah! This is great news! See? I told you.
You're back.
You're really back.
Back in action.
Well, all right.
Oh (Nathaniel clears throat) (coughs) Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, man, I'm just so happy we can get back to work.
Aren't you? Yeah.
Yeah.
Wendy, thrilling news.
I called the city council and said if they didn't lift the zoning restriction that we would file a suit under statute 45a.
Um, so Who let the zoning out, yeah, yeah.
(all laugh) This one.
(laughs) - Yeah.
- (phone buzzes) Uh, sorry.
One s-second.
You know what? I should actually take this, it's my friend from the zoning commission.
Uh, it says it's Jim.
I have more than one friend named Jim, you racist.
Excuse me for one moment.
- Hi.
What's up? - JIM: Corporate's here.
They saw all the violations in here and we're in trouble.
I need you.
Rebecca? You were saying? I'm sorry.
I am so sorry, sir.
Hi.
What's going on here? There are numerous violations of ingredients and recipes, not to mention hair all over your flour canister.
Okay, I cannot wear a hair net, not with this face shape.
Sir, I'm an attorney.
Listen, I understand that you have a corporately-mandated way of doing things, but we're just trying to increase the profit margins.
I'm sorry, who are you? Oh, she's the Rooftop Killer.
Man.
Narc by Narc Jacobs.
Jim, we're gonna shut you down until you return everything to franchise standards, then you can reopen.
Oh, my God, Jim.
Jim, I am so sorry.
I-I will I will cover the cost to turn everything back to the way it was.
(exhales) Yeah, don't bother.
I haven't had a good experience.
I don't want to be a boss.
It's awful.
I want someone to tell me where to go and what to do, then I get to complain to my friends and eat snacks someone else paid for.
I'm going back upstairs.
Back to being a lawyer.
N-n-n-n-no.
Hey, yeah, you can't.
Watch me.
("Don't Be a Lawyer" plays) Whoo! Uh.
(sighs) Hey, Becks.
Oh, hi.
Why would anyone eat hard pretzels? Do you know? They're just sad little mummified soft pretzels.
Oh, how was your date? Ugh, it was awful.
I did all this research to try to impress her, but she just wanted Josh Chan for his body.
Oh, is that why you're wearing a very oversized sweatshirt? Can you see that I'm flexing? No.
No.
No, you can't, and that's on purpose.
This gun show is closed for business.
Mm.
I'm so disappointed.
The-the girls from high school They just, like, want Josh Chan the prom king on their Christmas card.
The art historians just want to do it with some stud.
And the thing is I don't want to be a concept or an object.
Wow, that's that's profound.
You are killing this therapy thing.
So, uh, how did the date end? Oh, her Uber called.
You know how they call you now before you even order them just to see if you want a ride? Oh, honey, that makes no sense.
Oh, yeah.
Duh.
(laughs) That doesn't make sense.
Pretzel? Uh, no, I'm good.
Okay.
Rebecca, I think I know what I have to do.
Really, what's that? Stop trying to be who someone else wants me to be and just try to be who I want to be.
Yeah Yeah.
That's a really good point.
See? You're smart.
(knocking) - Hey.
- Hey, honey.
What's up? Hey.
Come in.
I want to talk to you about something.
Okay.
(sighs) Um so, yeah.
Uh Paula, I I don't want to be a lawyer anymore.
I never wanted to.
It was never my dream.
It was my mother's dream.
Wow.
And it's your dream.
It's your dream, which is great.
The profession needs more people like you, who care about all that hideously boring crap.
(laughs) Wow.
So you're never coming back to the office? I don't think so.
No.
(chuckles softly) Where does that leave you? So, it wouldn't be Pretzel Central anymore.
It'd be my own thing.
And I'm thinking of calling it Rebetzel's.
Oh, I love it.
You ending up owning a pretzel shop It feels right.
It feels like destiny, in a way.
No.
You know, I don't believe in destiny anymore.
I just believe in taking responsibility for your own happiness.
And right now, for me, that's my friends, volunteering at the jail, and this pretzel shop, as crazy as that seems.
And, Paula, I'm so sorry to leave you hanging upstairs Uh-uh, no, no, no.
Stop.
Don't apologize.
As long as you are happy.
That is what matters to me.
(laughs) Truly.
It always has.
Oh.
What time is it? Tim and I started sharing a watch.
I don't know why I agreed to that.
- You know, we should go.
We don't want to be late.
- Okay.
(sighs, laughs) Hey, man.
Been a while.
Psyched to play ball? We're not playing ball today.
We're not? Is that a tuxedo? Yeah.
(sniffs) Is that for me? Yeah.
(sniffs) (indistinct chatter) WOMAN: Shh! (gasps) I thought you didn't want this.
I don't but you do.
And that's what matters.
(sighs) I love you.
I love you, too.
(both chuckle) Let's do this.
BRAH: You may be seated.
Do your thing, Brah.
Roger that, Heather.
But first, before we begin, Heather has asked a good friend who is great with words and also very proud of where she went to college, to say a little something.
Um, I love fairy tales.
And this is from the greatest fairy tale of all time the Bible.
Oh.
I made some changes because there's always room for improvement.
(exhales) Oh, okay.
"Love is patient, "love is kind.
"Love is taking your boyfriend "to the ER for his pus-y black toe.
"Love is supporting your girlfriend "through her pregnancy with someone else's baby.
"Love is finding your own path.
"When you travel that path "and find the one you love, you should hold on tight.
" Oh, God.
I love her.
I I got to get her back.
Oh, damn it, I talked.
(snaps fingers)
Look within.
REBECCA: I still love you, Nathaniel, but I meant what I said in the courtroom.
You know? About being a better person I want to do that.
Can you stop overthinking everything? Okay, I'm not overthinking things.
- I'm trying to be a good person.
- Really? Because from where I'm sitting, every time we're happy, you try to ruin it.
I don't know how insurance works.
Me neither.
We can figure those things out.
Me and you.
We'd like to offer you the position of junior partner.
REBECCA: This is objectively fantastic, right? Wow.
Wow, wow, wow, wow.
Wow.
I am sorry, I just need to get a smoothie.
I didn't have any breakfast, and I-I get weird - Where are you going? - When I don't have protein.
I'm just I was going to I'm just going to the deli on Broadway.
You like to work? That's the first I've heard of it.
Uh, I got a hop off.
I'm really working hard here.
Bye.
So, I cannot be here today, but let's reconnect tomorrow and get to know each other.
Can we get back to work, or am I boring you? Let's just do this stupid meeting with these stupid clients! Meet Rebecca She's the coolest girl in the world Wait, wrong Rebecca It's this one over here She's spunky, she's sweet, a generous friend Oh, but there she looks kind of mean Hmm.
Okay, she's snarky Sarcastic and a What? You know, we're not really seeing a common theme Meet Rebecca She's too hard to summarize So let's go back to Other Rebecca.
I live in this park.
(inhales deeply, exhales) Hey, Rebecca.
Hey.
How'd it go? A bar association is no joke, man.
It's a long line of identical-looking old white men, all with this look on their face.
(growls) Okay, so, what did they say? Well, they said, "Uh, thank you for your answers, Mi Bunch.
"We will review your case and notify you next week "via a registered letter about whether you can still practice law.
" Oh, I'm not worried.
Look, they won't disbar you.
The criminal charges against you were dropped.
That hearing was just a formality.
- You think? - Yeah.
I'm sure.
In the meantime, you have got to come back to Whitefeather.
I mean MountainTop.
My God, that name is such a barf.
Bert's a kook.
Tim's an idiot.
Darryl's still on paternity leave.
Jim has disappeared, like, poof.
And Nathaniel is just stomping around the office like a sad, handsome baby.
Rebecca, we really need you at work.
AKOPIAN: Do you want to go back to work? Yeah, I do.
I'm great at it.
Plus, I had a tapeworm in jail, so I'm looking pretty fit.
So, yeah, yeah, I'm ready.
I'm gonna walk in that building, go to the coffee shop in the lobby and tell Martin to fire up my usual super-sweet latte with extra soy foam for my tapeworm.
Okay.
Because you know you don't have to be a lawyer.
There are other fields.
Other fields? Nah, I think the ship sailed on that a long time ago.
I just want you to be mindful about what makes you truly happy.
Got it.
It's a good note, it's a good note.
I will keep that in mind as I go back to the only thing anyone has ever paid me or valued me for.
(exhales) Josh? Hey, Rebecca.
Hey.
What are you doing here? Well, I'm in therapy.
Wait.
Josh Chan is in therapy? Double wait.
You go to my shrink? Oh, I-I go to her husband, Davit.
He has better Yelp reviews, actually.
Oh, that's on me.
I left some bad reviews on her when I was spiraling.
A lot of fake accounts.
It was a dark time.
Oh.
I should delete those.
- Yeah.
Maybe.
- Anyway, um Oh, my God.
Good for you.
Josh Chan in therapy.
- (chuckles) - Gettin' deep.
Um Actually, do you have a do you have a s-second? Yeah, please.
You probably know this, but I've been trying to take responsibility for things, and I've been trying to find the right time to tell you that what I've done to you the last couple of years is awful.
It's some of the worst stuff I've ever done to anyone.
It was stalking.
It's inexcusable.
And if I'd been a man, I would have been in jail a lot sooner.
I-I appreciate you saying that, Becks.
Um, I've been meaning to talk to you about some of the things I did, also.
Hmm? Like, when I moved in with you but acted like we were casual that was gas-lighting.
You know what? We both made mistakes.
What matters is you're getting support now.
- And I'm so happy for you.
- Yeah.
I am.
And-and, uh, you know, I'm also learning to look within, understand my emotions.
Um, I-I recently made a big decision.
Are you finally moving out of Hector's mom's house? No.
She's awesome.
I'm starting to date.
Oh.
I'm gonna go on the apps.
(chuckles) Oh.
I'm looking for a real relationship.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
I Should I have told you that? - Is that weird? - Oh, my God.
No.
Not weird at all.
In fact, I'm gonna need the deets on that.
- (laughs) - No.
Because there's going to be a feeding frenzy in the Cov.
- Don't.
- Oh, my God.
Josh Chan's on the apps? Like, people's brains are gonna explode.
(indistinct chatter) (cheering, applause) Hey.
Like, no judgment, like, at all, but why is your shoe off in my public eating establishment? - My shoe hurts.
- Mm.
I smashed my toe surfing Little Dume, and now look.
Got a big hole in my toe.
Uh, that's really gross.
You need to call your doctor, like, right now.
- No, I'm fine.
- No, baby, call him.
I don't want baby to lose a toe.
I love baby's toes.
And baby's hairless arms.
And baby.
Aw.
I love you, too, kitty cat.
Meow, meow, meow.
Meow.
Meow.
Meow.
Meow.
Aw REBECCA: Back to Whitefeather, everybody.
Martin, fire up the bean machine.
Me and my big ol' worm are thirsty! Gasp.
Hi.
What is this place? It's a 1920s speakeasy.
No, it's not.
It's a corporately-owned pretzel store.
- That just appeared in my lobby? - Hey, wait.
You look familiar.
Why is that? I Jim? Jim, What are you doing down here? I own this place.
No, you don't.
You're a lawyer, like me.
- He's a lawyer, like me.
- Not anymore.
I quit the law.
What? You No, no, you can't do that.
I can and I did.
I got sick of it.
Plus, uh, Pretzel Central was recruiting branch owners, and the coffee shop that was here closed, so here I am.
Huh.
Wow.
So you're just gonna throw away all those years of law school, all that time studying for the bar, - all that time taking the bar - I know the process to become a lawyer I just don't want to do it anymore.
It sucks.
AJ: I'm with her.
It's dumb to quit being a lawyer.
I'm majoring in pre-law myself.
Oh, no, no, no.
Bad idea.
Trust me.
Being a lawyer is the worst.
Now, stand back and let me tell you my tale of woe.
(upbeat pop intro plays) Whoo! Ah! 20 years old, pretty smart kid Didn't know what I wanted to do So I took the LSAT, and then just like that Got accepted at Glendale U Everyone said it was a real safe bet A prestigious and lucrative vocation So I set out on a journey to become an attorney Without a moment's hesitation But here's some free advice - I'm givin' - When it comes to deciding what to Do for a livin' Don't be a lawyer Don't do it Quickest way to ruin your life Don't be a lawyer Not worth it It'll leave you dead inside The job is inherently crappy That's why you never met a lawyer who's happy It's a guaranteed Soul destroyer Don't be a lawyer Law school debt, daily regret Is that what you dreamed of as a kid? Or did you hope one day that you'd find a way To spend four years working on a Pharmaceutical company's merger With another pharmaceutical company? Your only expertise Is runnin' up fees And speaking legalese like a dick But it's not too late to avoid this fate Find any other job to pick Sure, your parents might think you're a failure But no one's ever said First let's kill all the tailors Don't be a lawyer I'm serious It really, really sucks Don't be a lawyer No one you work with looks like Ally McBeal There are so many other professions That don't turn you into Jeff Sessions Just say no To the lawyer employer No! Don't be a lawyer What about human rights law? No money, no, no money Environmental law? No money, even less money Immigration law? No money, plus it's a bummer Okay, but what if one day you make it to the Supreme Court? It'd be great to be on the Supreme Court But you'll never be on the Supreme Court There's truly no chance of that happenin' The preceding song in no way reflects the views of CBS and the CW Network.
Aw, screw it.
Aah! (thump) See? Don't be a lawyer.
AJ, don't listen to him.
Being a lawyer is perfectly fine.
Now, I would like a pretzel to go on my way up to my legal job, which is fine.
Cinnamon, please.
Okay.
Wait, I know how I know you.
You're the Rooftop Killer.
I dressed as you for Halloween.
- Wait, you did? - Mm.
- What did you wear? - Some white girl crap.
That tracks.
Thank you.
(sniffing) Mmm.
Mmm.
- Hi, everyone.
I'm back.
- BERT: Hello, Rebecca.
- Glad you're not locked in the slammer anymore.
- Mmm.
I wanted to let you know about a few changes around here Oh, don't worry.
Paula filled me in.
Uh, it's called MountainTop now.
Cool sign, bruh.
Thank you.
Hi, Nathaniel.
BERT: Oh, that's his sad baby walk.
Oh, boy.
He hates Bert.
- What? - And then he found out you were coming back and went on, like, a silent strike and is all upset 'cause no one cares.
It's adorable.
He got blinds just for that moment.
Mm.
He did great.
Yeah.
Okay, Wendy LeGrand is first up today.
She has been asking and asking when you're coming back.
And since she is our biggest client, it has been so hard stalling her.
Don't worry, 'cause I'm back now, 'Kay? Come on.
Let's do this.
Okay.
Yeah.
Rebecca, your absence was certainly felt around here.
While you were out, Tim handled my account.
As you can imagine, there were significant oversights.
I told you that the reason I missed that zoning meeting is because I used to share a watch with Jim, but he's no longer here - Shh - Ah.
Well, the good news is that you don't need Tim anymore, because, uh, Bunch is back, bitches! (laughing) I'm not bitches.
I'm one bitch.
A bitch who wants her business handled correctly.
Wendy, you're absolutely right.
So, I took a look at those zoning issues.
And, first of all, I have to say, the city council's conservation easement is, like, one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my entire life.
Well, what do we do about the open space bylaws? REBECCA: Bylaws? More like bye-bye, laws, because we're gonna exploit all the loopholes like crazy.
Um, in summation, loop, there it is.
(chuckles) - Yeah.
There she is.
- (laughs): Yeah, that's Don't throw it out in here.
It's a zucchini shake.
It'll smell.
Okay.
I'm so sorry about him.
Um, Wendy, I'm here for you now.
You don't have to worry anymore.
This is what I do.
It's what I'm good at.
Oh, my God, Rebecca, you handled that meeting so well.
Oh, it's so great to have you back.
It's like you never left.
You just got right back in the swing of things.
I knew you would.
(sighs) Thank you.
(chuckles) Yeah.
I mean, I'm back at work, and I'm already crushin' it.
Wow.
Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.
This is great.
Wow, wow.
This is fantastic.
Right? - I know.
- It's objectively f this is objectively fantastic.
Like, on paper, fantastic, right? Wow.
Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.
Rebecca? I'm sorry.
I just need to go get a smoothie.
I didn't eat breakfast, and I get I get weird when I don't have protein.
So, I'm just gonna go grab something to eat.
(elevator dings) Hey.
Are you hiring? So, do you, like, still dance hip-hop? You were so amazing in high school.
You did that one Usher medley.
Oh, my God, (exhales) Yeah.
- I still think about it.
- (chuckles) Really? Like, a lot.
(chuckles) I-I dance sometimes.
For a while, I was a go-go dancer at Aluminum.
Like, the gay bar? - Yeah.
- Hmm.
That's cool.
I've been to, like, eight bachelorettes there.
That was after I left the priesthood and before I started living with Hector's mom.
- Sorry, Hector's mom? - Uh-huh.
Do you guys, like, hook up? What? No.
(chuckles) We're just roommates.
Although my therapist says she might be fulfilling a larger role in my life.
Okay, wait, Josh Chan is in therapy? I mean, I knew you dated that crazy girl, but I didn't know that you might be crazy, too.
- (gasps) - Oh, my God.
Are you, like, schizo? No.
I-I'm just introspective.
Uh-huh.
Cool.
Cool.
Oh! Hey! My phone.
Uh, it's buzzing.
Hello? Oh, you're here? (sighs) Sorry, my Uber's outside.
Um, wait, when did you call them? Oh, I didn't.
They called me.
They do that now.
They call to see if you need a ride.
Uh, yeah, I'm at Home Base.
I'll be right out.
Sorry, got to protect my rating.
- You get it.
- Yeah.
Totally.
Um It-it was nice meeting you.
Uh-huh.
Bye.
(gasps) Oh, hey, Jim.
Jim.
Okay, you'll never guess what happened.
So, three people came in, and they ordered pretzels.
They ordered plain, cinnamon, and jalapeño.
And I got them the pretzels.
And I gave them the pretzels.
And they bit into the pretzels and they were truly happy.
Like, that's what happy looks like.
She also forgot to charge them.
I paid for them myself.
AJ, don't be a narc.
I'm sorry.
I'm just still so confused that you work here.
- It is temporary.
- (elevator dings) Um, honey, I got a text from Jim that you're working here? I was going to text you myself, Paula.
So I went back up to work, and something felt off.
And I realized it's because I don't know if I'm gonna be disbarred yet.
I'm waiting for that letter from the bar association, and it feels unethical.
You get it.
Yeah.
Okay.
But Wendy's coming back for another meeting.
What do I tell her? Tell her that I'm working here for a while and she can come by for a cinnamon on the house.
We don't give people things on the house.
No.
(sighs) Oh, hey, Jim.
Miss you upstairs.
- Really? - No.
Rebecca, I am not bringing Wendy by for a pretzel.
In fact, if she walks by and sees you here, I'm gonna tell her that you have a dumb twin sister who works at a stupid pretzel shop.
(door opens) So, I sent a picture of my toe to my doctor.
And he said go to the emergency room.
Okay.
That's what I thought.
Let's go.
Wait, are you insane? It costs $300 to text a doctor.
An emergency room visit will cost thousands of dollars, and I have no health insurance.
I Right.
So just use my insurance.
I can't.
We're not related.
Right.
So let's just get married.
What? I mean, toe aside, just seems easier all around, so what do you think? What? What? I think it's a great idea.
I have a lunch break, too.
You want to go? I do.
I do.
Congratulations.
You're married.
That's it? It's over? Or just beginning.
Good luck with your toe.
(both chuckle) (sniffles) You're so beautiful.
(chuckles) Stop.
I'm so happy.
(sniffles) I love you so much.
Baby, me, too.
(chuckles, sniffles) (sniffles, chuckles) Okay, now I'm crying.
(chuckles) (both crying) I love sugar.
I love the sugar.
I love doing the sugar.
Dibs on the sugars.
'Kay.
JOSH: Whoa.
It's true.
You really do work here.
Cool.
Yeah, yeah.
For a little-little while.
Hey, how's the dating going? Give me the update on the apps.
The "appdate.
" (chuckles) (sighs) It's not been going great.
Well, maybe you're swiping the wrong people.
Let me help.
- I have amazing taste in people.
- Is that true? Definitely not.
But I want to swipe.
Come on.
All right.
Oh.
Okay, well, this is easy.
First of all, we're gonna reject anyone from University of Blank or Blank State.
So good-bye, University of Ohio, Florida, Arizona State Go, Sun Devils! Is that Jim? Yeah, he's my boss now.
It's Don't ask.
Okay Wait, wait.
Who-who cares where someone went to college? (laughing) Oh.
Once I loved you.
Amazing.
Mm, all right.
Oh, here's a girl.
Zoe.
Huh.
She went to Brown, which, normally, I'd say, "Blah.
" But she studied art history, and I happen to know Brown has a good art history program.
I feel good about Zoe.
I think she's gonna get you.
She's gonna get you, Josh.
- (phone chimes) - (gasps) And you matched.
Already.
Am I smart enough for her? Yes.
You are perceptive and kind, and that's a very valuable type of intelligence.
Trust me, it'll be Louvre at first sight.
(chuckles) Louvre.
(chuckles) Good one.
(both laughing) WENDY: Nathaniel, glad you're here.
What do you think about Rebecca's easement proposal? PAULA: I'm sorry.
I-It's a whole thing.
Fine with me.
Eye candy.
Doesn't talk.
That works.
Where's Rebecca? PAULA: She is She works at a pretzel shop downstairs.
(laughs) Geez, Tim! (chuckles) Who are you, Narc Twain? (laughs) She doesn't work there.
Um, she's just having a little fun till she comes back full-time.
It's like a a-a tiny gap year.
(gasps) A gap year.
I did one of those.
So did Malia Obama.
She went to South and Central America and learned a lot about herself.
I went to Arkansas to help my aunt raise her five kids after her husband put a gun in his mouth.
I learned a lot about myself, too.
My tubes are tied.
Who is working on my case? Miss LeGrand, do not worry.
Your case is of the utmost importance.
Great.
You know what's also of the utmost importance? That Rebecca come back.
Now.
Yes.
I am an artist.
Okay, Jim, I went to the market, and I got some new ingredients to make these exciting new flavors.
We got chocolate peanut butter, vanilla lavender, and honey bacon.
Uh, that one's not kosher.
(laughs) They're all not kosher.
Corporate won't let us do new flavors.
I can't even put extra salt on a pretzel.
They're really strict about what we can and can't sell.
Yeah, I worked at the Pretzel Central in Claremont.
The owner there put extra frosting on his almond pretzels.
He got banned from the franchise and excommunicated from the church.
They have so much pull.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I've already been selling these.
Forgot to tell you.
Love you.
But really, they've been selling like hotcakes, which is funny 'cause they're pretzels.
Whoa, new idea.
Hotcake pretzels.
No, no, no.
No, no, you can't do that.
If it's not approved by corporate, it could get me shut down.
I'm scared of those people, and I like to follow rules.
Jim.
Who's gonna tell 'em? Narc Zuckerberg over here? Maybe.
(scoffs) Do you have a notebook where you're brainstorming narc puns? Maybe.
Jim, don't forget your mission, why you're doing this in the first place.
You're striking out on your own.
And I'm right by your side, pal.
We're gonna forge our own path.
I'm just trying to be a small business owner.
Boo, you got to get it together.
Just follow the rules.
You're worrying me.
AUTHOR (English accent): Svalbard.
A Norwegian archipelago nestled in the Arctic Ocean and the birthplace of the Scandinavian primitivist movement.
Wake up, Josh! Rebecca was lying to you.
Zoe is never going to like you unless you learn some art.
Now, look alive, young chap.
I'm not reading this for my health.
I already know what it says.
I wrote it.
Okay, okay, you're right.
I-I'm sorry.
AUTHOR: Now I have to start over.
Bollocks.
Okay.
Svalbard.
A Norwegian archipelago nestled in the Arctic Ocean Hey, Cookie? I don't mean to bother you, 'cause I know you're enjoying yourself, but have you gotten that bar association letter? Can you come back to work? Like, now? BERT: Wendy, w-wait, hold on a second.
Oh, hey.
Look who's here.
It's our big client, Wendy.
And we're here with our most important client, here at Pretzel Central.
(whispers): I'm so sorry.
I-I tried to stop her, but, of course, I couldn't put hands on her, so I tried to control her movements with my eyes, but I seem to have lost my powers.
I had to see this for myself.
This is insane.
Rebecca, that apron makes you look Pretty? Poor.
Guys, I'm fine.
And Wendy, I will be back before you know it, and then you and I can take that easement and make angry love to it.
- AJ: Here.
- Yeah, this one's on the house.
- Let's go.
- PAULA: All right.
AJ: So, when are you gonna tell them you got the letter and you're free to practice law? How do you know about that, Narcer Posey? Whoa.
(laughs) - Whoa.
- Yeah! Welcome home, my bride.
Oh.
Wow, bride.
We're married.
I know.
- Right? - So, I was thinking for the actual wedding we can do doves.
I was thinking lots of flowers.
I was thinking my abuela can do a hymn.
Wedding? We already had a wedding.
- I know.
And-and it was sweet.
- Mm-hmm.
But now we can have a real wedding with the people we love.
Oh, you're one of those.
You mean a person? - Well - Heather, I've been thinking about our wedding for a while now.
Like, before the toe proposal.
I want a real wedding.
You in a white dress, and me in a tux.
(chuckles) - In a church.
- Hector.
Come on, we don't need to make our love into some big production.
I mean, our culture turns human emotion into some consumer trade show.
Our love, our actual love, is better than waffle makers and ice cream makers and pasta machines.
By the way, I'm so starving.
But that's not, like, who we are.
Right? (chuckles softly) No, I guess not.
I guess you know, I guess we can wait.
And-and maybe for our ten-year anniversary, we can renew our vows and do a small barbecue.
Thank you.
That sounds perfect.
- Yep.
- You get it.
REBECCA: How do you know I got the letter from the bar association? You threw it in the garbage.
So you just picked it up? No.
I picked it up and read it.
Congratulations.
You can practice law again.
Look, don't tell anybody.
Please.
Please.
Be my hero.
Be my Joan of No-Narc.
Wow, you really don't want to be a lawyer, do you? Well, what are you gonna do Stay in this pretzel shop - forever? - I don't know what I'm gonna do.
What do you guys think I should do? You know me better than anyone.
You've been with me since I got here.
What am I doing, talking to pretzels? (folk music playing) We are merely pretzels That is all we are This woman's obsession with us Is frankly quite bizarre We used to simply be A starchy snack that people ate But now we are a symbol Such is our twisted fate We've been smothered in the mustard Of her quest for happiness There's a lot of pressure on us This we must confess We didn't ask to be in charge Of someone's mental state Just let us be some happy carbs Spare us this twisted fate We've been "a-salted" by her yearning To make her life a cogent tale Sure, it's nice to be kneaded But now the whole thing's Getting stale Oh, can't some soft and chewy pretzels Finally get relief We are hurtin' from the burden Of being someone's life motif She could switch to pizza bagels If it's not too late It's the yeast that she could do To save us from This twisted fate.
TRULY BUTTER: Ugh, tell me about it.
Ah the age-old question: pretzels or law? Pretzels or law? Oh, hey.
Heya.
- Hey.
- Hello, friends.
Wait.
No.
What's going on here? What's up? What's up is you got married and didn't want to have a wedding? That's like getting married and not wanting to have a wedding.
How did you know I got married? The judge tagged you on Instagram.
Also, Hector told us.
Okay, well, look, our wedding is private.
No.
Body parts are private.
Weddings are for everybody.
Okay, I'm really regretting giving you a key.
Also, did Hector ask you to come here? Actually, after your sad court ceremony, he did call and ask us to plan something.
And then he said you didn't want to do it.
He said that you talked him out of it.
No, that's not what happened.
We had a discussion and decided to do our own thing and just follow our own path.
Our path? Sounds like your path.
Look, I care about Hector and his happiness.
Yeah, I can't say that with a straight face.
We just need a beautiful couple for our website.
Okay? We keep doing weddings for some real uggos.
BETH: She's right.
It's a nightmare.
It's like we're attracting them.
Yeah, it's like, some people should legally not be allowed to get married.
(laughs) What? Mm JOSH: I mean, I like impressionism because it disrupted the aesthetic of the overly realistic paintings that were being shown in the Salon in Paris at the time, which was not a hair salon, by the way.
(laughs) Huh.
I actually think that's an unfair generalization of the Academy painters of the late 19th century.
(scoffs) Yeah.
- (laughs) - (laughs) Um, sorry.
I wasn't expecting you to disagree with my statement, which I had perceived as fact.
Josh, can I stop you? I appreciate your effort, but I didn't come on this date to talk about art.
But you're all about art.
Not after 8:00 p.
m.
After 8:00 p.
m.
, I am all about shirtless deejays.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Is my bro DJ Skin-man spinning tonight? Dude! (chuckles) No, um, I meant I meant you.
- Me? - Yeah.
Your dating profile is seven pictures of you shirtless.
Your Instagram is you shirtless, - doing karate.
You totally show off your bod.
What? That's not me showing off my bod.
Those are my hobbies.
Yeah, I've been doing them since I was a kid.
I'm My shirt is off because I run hot.
Yeah, you do run hot.
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
(gasps) Oh.
(exhales) I'm sorry.
I misunderstood what this date was.
I wanted to sleep with a hot deejay, and you wanted to talk about the epistemological feud between Manet and Jean-Léon Gérôme.
Huh? What? No.
So confused.
So you're not interested in a relationship? Gosh, sorry.
My Uber's calling.
Mm.
Oh, yeah.
I-I just heard about that.
Yeah.
It's a thing.
Hello.
I'll be right out.
Hey.
Hey.
Rebecca, what are you doing here? It's from the bar association.
(muttering) Ah! This is great news! See? I told you.
You're back.
You're really back.
Back in action.
Well, all right.
Oh (Nathaniel clears throat) (coughs) Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, man, I'm just so happy we can get back to work.
Aren't you? Yeah.
Yeah.
Wendy, thrilling news.
I called the city council and said if they didn't lift the zoning restriction that we would file a suit under statute 45a.
Um, so Who let the zoning out, yeah, yeah.
(all laugh) This one.
(laughs) - Yeah.
- (phone buzzes) Uh, sorry.
One s-second.
You know what? I should actually take this, it's my friend from the zoning commission.
Uh, it says it's Jim.
I have more than one friend named Jim, you racist.
Excuse me for one moment.
- Hi.
What's up? - JIM: Corporate's here.
They saw all the violations in here and we're in trouble.
I need you.
Rebecca? You were saying? I'm sorry.
I am so sorry, sir.
Hi.
What's going on here? There are numerous violations of ingredients and recipes, not to mention hair all over your flour canister.
Okay, I cannot wear a hair net, not with this face shape.
Sir, I'm an attorney.
Listen, I understand that you have a corporately-mandated way of doing things, but we're just trying to increase the profit margins.
I'm sorry, who are you? Oh, she's the Rooftop Killer.
Man.
Narc by Narc Jacobs.
Jim, we're gonna shut you down until you return everything to franchise standards, then you can reopen.
Oh, my God, Jim.
Jim, I am so sorry.
I-I will I will cover the cost to turn everything back to the way it was.
(exhales) Yeah, don't bother.
I haven't had a good experience.
I don't want to be a boss.
It's awful.
I want someone to tell me where to go and what to do, then I get to complain to my friends and eat snacks someone else paid for.
I'm going back upstairs.
Back to being a lawyer.
N-n-n-n-no.
Hey, yeah, you can't.
Watch me.
("Don't Be a Lawyer" plays) Whoo! Uh.
(sighs) Hey, Becks.
Oh, hi.
Why would anyone eat hard pretzels? Do you know? They're just sad little mummified soft pretzels.
Oh, how was your date? Ugh, it was awful.
I did all this research to try to impress her, but she just wanted Josh Chan for his body.
Oh, is that why you're wearing a very oversized sweatshirt? Can you see that I'm flexing? No.
No.
No, you can't, and that's on purpose.
This gun show is closed for business.
Mm.
I'm so disappointed.
The-the girls from high school They just, like, want Josh Chan the prom king on their Christmas card.
The art historians just want to do it with some stud.
And the thing is I don't want to be a concept or an object.
Wow, that's that's profound.
You are killing this therapy thing.
So, uh, how did the date end? Oh, her Uber called.
You know how they call you now before you even order them just to see if you want a ride? Oh, honey, that makes no sense.
Oh, yeah.
Duh.
(laughs) That doesn't make sense.
Pretzel? Uh, no, I'm good.
Okay.
Rebecca, I think I know what I have to do.
Really, what's that? Stop trying to be who someone else wants me to be and just try to be who I want to be.
Yeah Yeah.
That's a really good point.
See? You're smart.
(knocking) - Hey.
- Hey, honey.
What's up? Hey.
Come in.
I want to talk to you about something.
Okay.
(sighs) Um so, yeah.
Uh Paula, I I don't want to be a lawyer anymore.
I never wanted to.
It was never my dream.
It was my mother's dream.
Wow.
And it's your dream.
It's your dream, which is great.
The profession needs more people like you, who care about all that hideously boring crap.
(laughs) Wow.
So you're never coming back to the office? I don't think so.
No.
(chuckles softly) Where does that leave you? So, it wouldn't be Pretzel Central anymore.
It'd be my own thing.
And I'm thinking of calling it Rebetzel's.
Oh, I love it.
You ending up owning a pretzel shop It feels right.
It feels like destiny, in a way.
No.
You know, I don't believe in destiny anymore.
I just believe in taking responsibility for your own happiness.
And right now, for me, that's my friends, volunteering at the jail, and this pretzel shop, as crazy as that seems.
And, Paula, I'm so sorry to leave you hanging upstairs Uh-uh, no, no, no.
Stop.
Don't apologize.
As long as you are happy.
That is what matters to me.
(laughs) Truly.
It always has.
Oh.
What time is it? Tim and I started sharing a watch.
I don't know why I agreed to that.
- You know, we should go.
We don't want to be late.
- Okay.
(sighs, laughs) Hey, man.
Been a while.
Psyched to play ball? We're not playing ball today.
We're not? Is that a tuxedo? Yeah.
(sniffs) Is that for me? Yeah.
(sniffs) (indistinct chatter) WOMAN: Shh! (gasps) I thought you didn't want this.
I don't but you do.
And that's what matters.
(sighs) I love you.
I love you, too.
(both chuckle) Let's do this.
BRAH: You may be seated.
Do your thing, Brah.
Roger that, Heather.
But first, before we begin, Heather has asked a good friend who is great with words and also very proud of where she went to college, to say a little something.
Um, I love fairy tales.
And this is from the greatest fairy tale of all time the Bible.
Oh.
I made some changes because there's always room for improvement.
(exhales) Oh, okay.
"Love is patient, "love is kind.
"Love is taking your boyfriend "to the ER for his pus-y black toe.
"Love is supporting your girlfriend "through her pregnancy with someone else's baby.
"Love is finding your own path.
"When you travel that path "and find the one you love, you should hold on tight.
" Oh, God.
I love her.
I I got to get her back.
Oh, damn it, I talked.
(snaps fingers)