Cuckoo (2012) s04e03 Episode Script

1 Morning, Chief Ken.
Fuck's sake, Dale! Chief Steve called at 2am.
He said he wants me to install a sprinkler system at the bar, so at closing time, it can rain coconut milk! I LOVE it! I just hope it's not one of his drunk ideas! Don't call Steve "Chief Steve".
Why, Chief Ken? I just think it's inappropriate.
Morning, Dale.
- Morning, love! - Morning, love! - In your suit? - Yes! No rest for the wicked.
9am with Peter, then a strategy meeting, then But it's Saturday.
Yes Strategy Saturday.
Strate-day.
It's a new scheme of Jane's.
I told you, no? Saturday becomes Monday, and Monday, now that's Thursday.
So Hm! Such a fiendishly clever idea.
Monday, Thursday, I'm not even sure I understand it! It's only for this week.
I don't think it'll stick.
Oh, well, that's a shame.
Everybody's out today.
I thought we could get a bit of Ken and Lorna time.
Really? - Yeah.
- Oh ! Well, obviously, I can't.
Because I've got work, so Bollocks! Least I can do when you've been toiling away all day.
Yeah, I have.
Dale's really putting in the effort with this new bar, isn't he? - Good on him.
- Yes.
Although he should change the name, and the location, and probably think about killing his business partner.
But apart from that ! Hey, these are a lot less expensive than I thought.
What would you think if I got a Vespa? I would think - and everybody would think - you were having a mid-life crisis.
Or that I was born to ride through the streets of Lichfield like the hot-blooded Mediterranean daredevil I am? LOUD RAP MUSIC Who's that?! It's 11.
30, on a Saturday night! It's the new neighbours, isn't it? I think we can let it go just this once, Ken.
Night, love.
LOUD MUSIC: Golden Skans by Klaxons It's 12.
45.
They're going to wake Sid up.
Sid sleeps through anything.
Yes, but nobody told THEM that.
I'm going to the garden centre tomorrow.
If I'm tired, it will affect my decision-making.
- Where's my phone? - No, Ken.
- Ken! No! Don't! Don't! - Uh-uh! LORNA SIGHS Police? Yes, hello, I'd like to report a rowdy house party.
2 Barker Road.
How loud is it?! Hang on a minute, I'll just get my portable decibel meter.
HE MOUTHS Oh, apparently it's really loud! You MIGHT send someone over? SARCASTICALLY: Oh, thank you so much.
I'm going round.
Wait! I'm coming too.
Their house is the same plan as ours.
I want to see what they've done with their kitchen.
Lorna, we're going round to complain, not to get design tips.
I only want a peek.
- Give me 20 minutes while I put something nice on.
- What? No! I'm going to throw a dressing gown on and go around.
You are not! Put that nice Marks & Spencer's shirt on.
Make a good impression before you ruin their party.
Oh, God.
MUSIC: Get Lucky by Daft Punk featuring Pharrell Williams Hey! I recognise you two! You're from next door! Yes! I saw you on your drive earlier.
I hope we haven't been making too much noise.
No! It's fine, no! No trouble at all! Well, come in! Have a drink! I insist.
I'm Lloyd, it's my birthday! Oh, happy birthday! I'm Lorna.
45! Old man's birthday.
Got myself a new Vespa, though.
Nice! Brand-new? I'll show you.
Treated myself to the GTS 300.
Because I'm worth it! Yeah, girl! Whoa! Look at this guy! He's even older than you, Lloyd! I thought ages stopped at you! - Rude! - This is my girlfriend, Maggie.
These are mostly her friends, much younger crowd.
But fun, though! Right, drinks! Down in New Orleans! In New York City! All we need is music, sweet music There'll be music everywhere! These people are so fun! I know! People I actually like! This has never happened! Whoa! It doesn't matter what you wear MUSIC SLOWS AND STOPS The strippers are here! Woooooo! All right, calm down, please.
Thank you, stop.
We're having fun here, OK? Don't be such a fascist! I'm not a fascist actually, ma'am.
In fact, in the last election, I voted Green.
Erm, you're being very noisy, your neighbours have complained.
Oh, hi, Ken! Do you remember me! The, er No.
Oh.
Who complained? Which neighbour? Come on, tell us! Actually, I'm a lawyer, and I don't think we should question the police officer about his sources.
That might get you in trouble.
- I don't take the calls, I just respond to them.
- I see.
Fine! Fine! No more music.
Party's over, everyone! No way! This is our house.
Come on, everybody, the party is not over! ALL: The party is not over! The party is not over! The party is not over! The party is not over! Calm down, thank you, madam, we're just In my own house, I'll do what I want.
Maybe I want to rip my clothes off.
Hey, no, Mags Who's going to stop me in my own bloody home? THEY CHEER Erm, I think you're going to have to accompany me to the station.
Please.
Please.
Officer, you don't need to do this! Party's over, everyone! Ken, I am so sorry.
It was really nice to meet you.
Oh, and I love this new beach theme for All Steve's Pals! I'm actually headed off to buy four tonnes of genuine Hawaiian sand.
Expensive, but you notice the difference.
Hey, Chief Ken! Oh, and remember: cocktail tasting later! Looking forward to it, Dale! - Yeah, let's get fucked out of our brains! - Dylan! - But, yes.
- OK! Ha-ha, see ya! Lloyd still hasn't texted back.
Well, you did get his girlfriend arrested.
- What's this? - Lloyd next door.
Your dad's developed an intense man-crush.
I have not! Here, check this text.
"Hey mate.
Great party last night.
See you round.
" Think I overdid it? Came on too strong? I think you kept your cool.
- Good.
- You're right, Mum, he's got it bad.
Shut up! I have not got a man-crush.
Lloyd is just a really, really cool and amazing guy who lives next door.
- Whatevs.
- Careful, Mum, I think Dad might run off and marry him! - That would be modern.
- Right.
I have a very important meeting this morning.
I'm just a bit pushed for time.
Arseholes.
Bye, big boy! SPORTS COMMENTARY THROUGH HEADPHONES MUSIC: Have You Seen Her? by The Chi-Lites - Ken! - Lloyd! Shouldn't you be at work? Oh, yeah, I was going to go in but, erm How was your head Saturday morning, champ?! Wow! That hangover! I was like Did you get my text? I think one of Maggie's young party friends made off with my smartphone.
- Ah.
- To be honest, I feel free without it! I know what you mean, bruv.
Modern technology is so annoying, isn't it? Call waiting, when stuff is slow to load Yeah.
I'm taking the new Vespa into Birmingham, needs some fine tuning.
- Can't stop.
- Don't stop.
I don't want you to stop.
Unless, of course, crazy thought we could scoot back and pick up the old bike and you could come with! Come with? Yeah, of course! I love coming with.
What am I asking? You can't take the day off.
I can, I can, I can! I would love to! Well, grab your stuff.
Chief Ken! Dale! Just checking out the competition! All Steve's Pals are planning on serving a 24-hour breakfast.
And, well, this place has mastered perpetual breakfasts.
- Yeah.
- Wait, why aren't you at work? Oh, I was, um I was feeling a bit woozy this morning, so I went to the doctor and his advice was I should have a full English breakfast immediately, you know.
So here I am.
Oh.
Yeah! Well, that makes complete sense! OK! I'll go now.
- Bye.
- Bye.
MUSIC: Mary France by Jean-Jacques Perrey Whoa! HE ROARS Woohoo! - Lloyd, I love you! - What? Nothing! ROCK GUITAR RIFFS HE COPIES Yes, Lloyd! You rock! How's, erm, how's Maggie? Oh, she got off with a caution.
Tell you what gets me, though, Ken.
That neighbour, calling the police over one tiny birthday party.
Yeah, although, I mean, it was after midnight.
And in a residential area, but Yeah, but you go round, explain the problem like a man, not crawl to the police like some worm.
Yeah.
Still, we have no way of knowing who it was, so Ken I know exactly who it was.
Do you? Steve Chance.
From over the road.
You know him? Not really.
I mean, I've met him.
Day we moved in, I caught him looking in our bathroom window with binoculars.
He said he was looking for owls.
It was noon.
Weird guy.
Yeah.
Still, you can't be sure it was him, so Can't I? Ken, if there's one thing you learn from leaving your wife and kids, quitting your job and living off your savings, it's trust your instincts.
Steve Chance is the grass, and grasses get grassed on know what I mean? Not really.
Hey, you want a beer? Now, I would love a beer! DOORBELL RINGS - Get that for us, would you, mate? - Yeah.
Chief Ken! What are you doing at Lloyd's house? Oh, it's did I not tell you? I'm, um It's a team-building exercise at work.
You just go round to a neighbour's house, and you compose some guitar music.
Then, at the end of the week, there's a competition.
- What do you win? - Just some, erm law stuff.
Gotcha! Got to say, Jane really is shaking up things at your work.
She is! I was just going door-to-door doing some market research - for All Steve's Pals.
- OK.
But I won't interrupt you guys! Let the music flow, maestro! Oh, I will, I can promise you that! Woo! - Bye! - Bye! Beering it up with a mate at 4pm on a weekday.
I have not done this for time, bruv.
While every other sucker's chained to their desk! Yeah, suckers! Ahhhh, beer.
I love it! You know, I like you, Ken.
I like you too, mate.
- What you up to there? - Just putting this baby up on Instagram.
Don't do that! Sorry, listen It's a little bit sensitive, but I didn't have to get the day off from work today.
You see, a couple of weeks back, I was suspended.
Ken! Only for a month.
I haven't told Lorna, I didn't want to worry her, you know? Totally! Get yourself some Ken time.
Yeah.
Yeah! It's a relief to tell someone, to be honest.
It's been a nightmare at home.
Imagine having to keep it from your whole family you've been suspended from work.
Chief Ken? - What the fuck, Dale?! Jiminy Cricket! You've been suspended from work!? You're not to let on about ANY of this.
Do you understand? Yes.
Your secret is safe with me.
Though I can't promise not to tell Rachel and Lorna.
What?! Those are the exact people you're not allowed to tell! You're going to have to lie, Dale.
No, Chief Ken.
Lying is like my third-worst thing, after remembering and Scrabble.
As soon as I lie, I can feel people looking at me, and I just know they can see the evil in my face.
I guess I could just never look at anybody ever again.
Well, you're going to have to find a solution.
Because if you tell Lorna, I won't be your friend any more.
- I would hate that.
- Well, it's an option.
I've got a new friend now, so you're expendable.
I am watching you.
Oh, hiya, love! Lorna! My beautiful wife! What a tiring day at work.
I'll cook dinner later, though.
No need! It's Dale's cocktails over at All Steve's Pals.
- What's he doing with you? - Oh! Oh, I bumped into him on my way back from work.
I was walking along the road, and there he was.
Oh, right.
What were you up to, Dale? Mm Hmm? He was gathering stones.
Oh, did you get any nice ones? I made him throw them away.
- Yeah.
- Dale? Yes.
Stones.
I lost my lovely stones.
Lovely stones.
- Oh, OK, I'm going to go for a jog! - Yeah.
He seems under the weather, doesn't he? It's not worth analysing.
It's probably meaningless.
When she looks me in the eyes, I just want to tell her everything! Find a way! Et voila! Bespoke cocktails.
The Lorna: short and sweet The Rachel: fruity, with a spicy kick.
And the Ken: it's plain, no-nonsense, with a high fat content.
Yes, thank you, Dale.
Mmmm! Oh, I really like mine, Dale! So, now probably explain the weird mask.
This? Oh, it's just something I threw on! From here on out, I'll constantly wear it.
Quite right too.
It's a nice mask.
Suits him.
Yeah, a totally normal boyfriend.
- Well done, Rach! - Tut! DOOR CLOSES Give me a double Ken.
Just got back from mine.
I am in shock.
Are you OK, Steve? An abomination, Lorna! I, Steve Chance, have on this day in the year of our Lord 2018, been cressed! Cressed? What do you mean "cressed"? Oh, some lowlife put cress seeds through my letterbox.
They've grown there.
Grass all over the doormat.
Connie and I used to make love on that mat.
It was uncomfortable for her, - but it protected the carpet.
- Oh, Steve.
Only one kind of seed should be on that carpet, Lorna.
I refer, of course, to mine.
Yes, thank you, Steve.
I'm sure we're all very upset for you.
- Cheers! - A Lorna, Steve? Don't mind if I do.
Cheers.
Ken and Lorna mingling in my tummy.
Ah, fucking hell.
This Civil War history walk goes all the way to Worcester.
We could get the girls, make a weekend of it! Yes! Now, that is a great idea! Hey, Lloyd, I hope you don't mind me asking.
It seems that Steve Chance has been cressed.
I couldn't help but draw a connection, what with what you said, about the grasses getting grassed and all that.
Yeah? Bet that got to him, right?! It seems so, yes.
And it doesn't stop there, I've got loads of ideas - poison his garden, maybe throw a burning newspaper through his window.
All good ideas.
Or maybe just leave it.
I mean, you can't be sure it was Steve that made the phone call.
Well, who did, then? Well, it's probably Steve.
But, what it is is now you've pranked him back, probably just call it quits.
Ken if a man wrongs me, I crush him.
I can't stand sneaks.
And I can't stand liars.
It's got me into trouble before.
Pork scratchings? Yes, lovely.
No, you're right, I'm too impetuous.
For your sake, Ken, I will not hurt Steve Chance.
Oh, phew! That is a relief.
I was worried, actually.
I'm just sensitive when it comes to Maggie.
Before she came along, I was on the edge, Ken.
I'd left my wife, didn't know where I was.
Even thought of ending it.
She's my rock.
My reason.
Yeah.
You can't do this! You can't take me away! What the hell is going on?! Ah! Lloyd Evans? Your girlfriend's been in the country illegally.
She came up last week on the system with a drugs charge.
- We thought she'd left months ago.
- NO! You touched my tit! That's sexual harassment and I'm going to get you for that.
Look, Officer, I'm a lawyer, I think maybe Look, honestly and sympathetically, I take no joy in this.
Right, let's load her up and get this rodeo rolling! Please don't do this.
No choice, I'm afraid.
I'm stuck in here with a lesbian! Help! It's ironic, isn't it? None of this would have happened if your neighbour hadn't made that noise complaint.
Ha! Right, let's go! - BABY! - Maggie! Maggie! Don't go! Maggie, I love you! DON'T LEAVE ME! I miss my baby! I miss my baby! I know I know you do, love.
Here you go.
Maggie! Right, well, thank you, yeah, you've been amazingly helpful.
Great.
Thanks! Well, that was Immigration.
She's totally fucked.
He's not taking it well.
Funny, isn't it? I mean, you basically got his girlfriend deported.
Lorna.
Just because you cause something, it doesn't necessarily mean it's your fault.
Isn't that exactly what it means? Look, she's a bit vapid anyway, isn't she, Maggie? And too young for him.
I actually think this could be good for Lloyd.
These lies have a way of spiralling out of control.
Lorna, I promise you, everything's going to be absolutely fine.
LOUD CRASH WESTERN STYLE MUSIC Ken! Scotch! You'll join me in a dram? No, no, you're all right, thanks, mate.
Mind if I use this, then? Whoa.
Hey presto! Lloyd, Lloyd, everything's going to be fine.
Just calm down! You have to do something.
Those oven gloves are Cath Kidston.
They are not to be used for murder.
Ken, mate, I'm going to finish this glove, then me and you go over to Steve's and give him a couple of fork punches.
Tell him it wasn't Steve.
Maybe at a later date, when he's not got knives on his hands.
Hello! What's going on? Who's Edward Cutleryhands? Lloyd.
He's just had a bit of bad news.
So we all need to work on keeping him relaxed.
There, there, fella.
Hey, let's get you to bed, eh? Things will seem brighter in the morning.
- That's true, she's right.
- They always do! But we're drinking! Yeah, but maybe we stop drinking? I am drinking until I can drink no longer! Oh.
Actually, that might work too.
- I'll check the drinks cabinet.
- OK.
And then, I'm going to fuck Steve up.
Great idea.
Let's keep that on the table.
But maybe we could play a drinking game.
Yeah? Where you drink more and more and more until you have a lovely sleep and you DON'T murder Steve.
How would that be? He's probably not over there anyway, he's probably still out in his Uber.
Oh, actually he just got home, I saw him drive in.
LLOYD ROARS Dale! What have you done?! Steve Chance! Come on out here and face the music! If you're a man, come on out here and fight me like a man! Oh, Jesus! Oh, Lloyd, Lloyd! Calm down! Lloyd! It'll be all right.
Steve Chance took my Maggie! Aaargh! A shit for a shit.
Oh, fuck it, fuck it! Damn it, it's not coming, it's not coming.
Someone's shitting on my lawn! Here he is! The coward.
You destroyed my life! What are you talking about? No more games, Chance.
You grassed on me, and I grassed on you.
But now the shit is about to get real.
Nobody shits on my lawn.
If it's a fight you want, then, by Odin, it's a fight you shall receive.
18th century duelling pistol.
They don't make them like this any more.
Don't think I won't use it.
Jesus! Oh! It's pathetic.
- Idiots.
- Bloody hell.
Yes, Dale! That's it, Dale.
Hold him still while I blast away his gonads.
Give me that, you idiot.
Right.
This stops here.
Lloyd it was me that made the phone call to the police.
You? Yeah.
It wasn't Steve's fault that Maggie got deported.
It was mine.
I didn't tell you because I was enjoying hanging out too much.
No.
No, no, you're just saying this to save Steve's neck.
I'm not, honestly.
Dale, tell him the truth.
The real truth, Chief Ken? Yes, Dale.
The truth.
Go on, Dale.
OK, erm everyone Chief Ken has been suspended from work and he's been hiding it from Lorna this whole time.
Not THAT truth, for fuck's sake! What?! KEN! He's also been spending most of his days drinking.
I'm sorry, Chief Ken, she's staring me right in the eyes.
You're suspended from work? Why the hell don't I know about this? Oh, Dad! This is kind of a low.
It was only for a month! So I just Kind of makes you question the whole relationship, I bet.
Shut up, Dale! Lorna, I can explain.
Explain to ME! You destroyed my life! Oh, leave it out! It was Maggie that had the drugs.
And it was you who decided to go all Mr Crazy Glove.
I personally have done nothing whatsoever to GUNSHO Oooh! My baby! No, no, no, no, no! Call the engine! Call a fire engine! - Lorn - Ken, I can't even look at you.
Find somewhere else to spend the night.
Bloody hell, Dad.
Wow, Chief Ken.
Homeless! I would offer you shelter, but I sort of stay at your place, so, you know It's OK, Ken, you've got me.
You'll always have me.
My baby! My baby! Hold on! Hold on, Daddy's here!