Curb Your Enthusiasm s04e03 Episode Script

You know, you should get one of these cordless vacuums! Hey, Mikey boy! - What? - What? I'm talking.
Yeah? Sorry, I was just listening to music.
You know what? You better get a new girlfriend, all right? 'Cause this isn't gonna last that much longer.
Yeah, well, whose fault is it that I don't have a girlfriend anymore? Hey, I did you a favor.
The problem is it's hard to fix you up.
You're so particular.
I would like to be with an attractive woman, yes.
What guy wouldn't? Not only does she have to be good-looking, - but she's going out with a blind man.
- So? - She has to wait on hand and foot.
- So? What matters to women is what's on the inside of a fella.
Okay, first of all, you've got nothing inside of you, okay? Let me just make that clear.
You are the most superficial man I've ever met, blind or sighted, okay? Be that as it may, it's just not fair that people get to see her and I don't.
It's not fair everybody knows what she looks like except you? Right.
It's not fair.
- Did you get the corners? - You know what I'll do? Keep my eyes and ears open.
Maybe there's somebody I can fix you up with.
"I am Max Bialystock, first producer ever to do summer stock in the winter.
You've all heard of theater-in-the-round.
You're looking at the man who invented theater" Argh! Argh! Fuck! There he is.
Honey, right here.
He's right here.
I still can't see out of this side.
- Hey.
- Hey! - Hi, Larry.
- Hi, Christine, hey.
- You okay? - Yeah.
Thanks for coming.
Yeah, come on in.
- I got severe tire damage.
- That sucks.
- You know those signs? It's true.
- Awful.
Hang on a second.
- You got it? - No.
Wait, just stop.
Stop.
- No, stop.
Don't do anything.
- I'm not.
You've got to just stop.
Okay, now.
Okay.
Oh, man.
- You okay? - Yeah, my car the gate crashed right down on it.
We're taking Christine to yoga class and then we'll go to rehearsal, okay? - Oh, okay, yoghurt.
- Hmm? Is that a prefix, you think, "yo"? Yo-ga, yo-ghurt.
Think that's related - ghurt, -ga? They're both healthy things.
Yoghurt, yoga.
I don't think so.
Hey, I thought of some more yos.
- Yodel, have you ever yodeled? - Bye, honey.
Larry, great seeing you.
- Bye, Christine.
- Bye, guys.
How about what's-his-name, from the movie? She can't hear you.
Why don't you come up front? Eh, I'm okay.
Come on up front.
I'm good.
- Are you serious? - Yeah, why? What's the difference? I'm not gonna drive you around like a chauffeur.
Get in the front seat.
You're not driving me around like a chauffeur.
We're two minutes from the rehearsal hall.
What kind of person asks another one to drive them around like this? This kind of mentality's what's What kind of person is so insecure that they have to make somebody move into the front seat so they don't think they're driving somebody around? The kind of person that's so insecure that needs to be driven around.
Subliminally you're telling me you need me to drive you around.
Why do I have to leave my seat, go into the front seat? Because I asked you to, and it's my car and if it's my car, - I make the rules, okay? - You're making the rules? - We would have been there already.
- Yes, very good! You can't drive with somebody in the back seat.
You're such a baby.
- You're a grown man baby.
- Are you saying I'm a man-child? I'm saying you're a little baby.
Little baby wants a ride? We'll give little baby a ride.
- You know what? Baby wants to walk.
- No no! - I should have brought my baby seat - Little baby's gonna walk! Mr.
David, where to now? Where to now, Mr.
David? Sorry if I didn't read the rules getting into the car.
Here we go, driving Mr.
Larry.
Hey, take it easy, man.
- You're the baby, Larry.
- Oh, I'm the baby? 'Cause I want to take a poll, that makes me a baby? - No, you know what makes you a baby? - What? - The fact that you're a stupid baby! - I'm a stupid Look at this thing you're walking around with, - a big sack on your back.
- It's my knapsack! # They were helpless # # They were hopeless # # Then along came Bialy.
# Good morning! - Hey, by the way - Hey, by the way.
your little cousin finished all the Grape Nuts this morning.
He's a guest in our house, we should just How much longer, by the way? I don't know, three or four days.
I don't know.
We'll see.
We'll see.
All right.
Hey, if it's okay with you, I'm taking your car today.
I got a meeting with Mel Brooks.
Oh, okay.
You know what? Maybe while you're out, you could get it washed.
It looks pretty clean, by the way.
- Do you mind? - But it's totally clean.
- Good morning.
- Morning.
I got to show you something.
- A card trick.
- Oh, a card trick, okay.
- Okay, you see this deck? One deck.
- Yeah.
Now you have to tell me when to stop.
Stop.
Now this # Doo-doo, doo-doo # is your card - Okay.
- I'd like you to shuffle this, please.
- All right.
Efficiently and any way possible.
Okay, fine, it's all shuffled.
Okay, and this is your card.
Wow! - Yeah.
- How'd you do that? I'm sorry, I can't tell you.
- Sorry.
- Stewart, how'd you do the trick? No, magicians don't tell people how they do their tricks.
- Well, you're not really a magician.
- Oh, yeah, I am.
- One trick makes you a magician? - Did I trick you? Were you a magician before you knew how to do that trick? Mmm, not really.
Well, who taught you how to do the trick? A magician.
Okay, so you weren't a magician.
A magician taught you how to do the trick, right? - Mmm-hmm, yeah.
- Okay, so I'm not a magician.
Now you're a magician, so you teach me how to do it.
I can't, just 'cause you said I am a magician, I can't teach you.
You didn't know that trick before the magician - taught it to you, right? - Yeah.
So why did the magician tell you? He can tell that I'm a magician.
Well, you can tell that I'm a magician.
But I'm a magician, just naturally a magician.
That's what you're saying.
I'm saying I'm naturally a magician.
- But you don't know any tricks.
- And you're just not.
I mean, see, because I'm a magician, if you were naturally a magician, I'd feel that you were naturally a magician.
- Are you gonna tell me this trick? - No.
- Magicians don't reveal their secrets.
- Fine, I gotta go.
You guys are a lot alike.
Yeah, except he's not a magician.
Hey, let me ask you something.
- You going to that Halloween party? - Of course.
- You are? - Yeah, we're taking you.
- You gonna wear a costume? - Of course I'm wearing a costume, - it's a Halloween party.
- I'm not gonna wear a costume! Oh, I almost didn't tell you.
So, last night at about 11:30, I go to the bathroom to, uh, you know.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
You got the energy for that at 11:30 at night? I always have the energy, yeah.
- Kain ein horeh.
- Kain ein horeh.
So I'm thinking about Jenna Jameson, you know? - Who's she? - A porn star, way hot.
And, um, all of a sudden, she pops out.
You know who pops in? You're not gonna believe this.
Cheryl.
Can you believe that? - My wife? - Cheryl, yeah.
What do you mean? You used Yeah, she was there.
I couldn't believe it.
Boom, she was there.
You can't control who pops in.
She pops in.
She pops in? Why didn't you pop her out? I tried popping her out.
She wouldn't pop out.
- What, she insisted on staying? - Not exactly.
"I want to be here with you, Jeff"? I couldn't pop her out, I'm not in control of it.
Besides, my bench is thin.
I don't have a lot going on there.
Your bench is thin? What, is she on your team now? No, she's not on my team.
She popped in.
- What are you using my wife for? - I thought you'd be flattered.
- Flattered? I'm fucking nauseous.
- Why are you nauseous? It's ugh! You, my wife I just don't like the whole idea.
- It didn't really happen.
- I know, but it feels in your mind.
- Okay.
- All right.
- Do me a favor, okay? - What? I don't want you using my wife anymore for that, okay? I'll never intentionally use your wife for that.
- What do you mean? - You can't control who pops in.
Yeah? Okay, next time she pops in, pick your pants up and get out of the room.
Hello.
- How you doing? - Very well, thank you.
Good.
How's the adoption coming? Good? - Yes, it's going very well.
Thank you.
- Great great great.
Wait till you get the kid.
It'll change your life.
"Get the kid"? Mel will be with you in just a second.
- You can go on back.
- Okay.
How are you doing? - You're carrying on like a funeral.
- That's what it is to me.
It's a decision! - Hey.
- Larry, Jeff, come in.
Close the door.
Do you have any complaints? I mean, how's it going for you? I've got one tiny thing, just one small issue.
I'm not happy with the toilet paper in the rehearsal hall.
You're gonna get the softest, most beautiful toilet paper.
You'll be so happy, you'll be hanging around the toilet every day.
- You'll get me the softer rolls? - You got it! - All right! - Mel, can we get to why you asked Larry to come here? Oh, yeah, we have a little problem.
Yeah, right.
Ben Stiller is gone.
He is history.
He has left us.
He came to me and said, "It's either me or Larry David.
Make up your mind.
" You know, I went right Larry David, Stiller out.
He complained about some things.
I don't know, minor stuff.
- You're kidding? - No, we're not.
Ben Stiller quit.
You wouldn't sit in the front of a car? You couldn't move into the front of the car? I have to move up to we were two minutes away from where we were going.
They were two minutes away from where they were going! At Ben Stiller's birthday party, you didn't bring a present.
- He said no gifts.
- They always say no gift, but everybody brings a gift.
So, you're at the show, you won't shake his hand.
I happen to have a small phobia about shaking people's hands who have snot on it.
- It's a small thing.
- Can you blame him? At the party, everybody sang "Happy Birthday" but you.
I don't like the "Happy Birthday" song.
He never sings the "Happy Birthday" song.
I don't like it either.
I hate the song! It's a trite, cliché song.
I hate it.
Did you hear this thing with the shish kabob? You know about that? That's painful.
- He's showing a stroke - It was an accident! - Right into the kid's eye! - Can I say something? - Please.
- Mel? Blessing in disguise.
He's a wonderful actor.
He's a fantastic actor.
I don't think he belongs in musical comedy, frankly.
It's gonna work out, it's gonna be fine.
- Everything will work out.
- All right.
So, uh, so you'll work on the toilet paper thing? Done, done.
Pink, blue, soft anything you want.
- You got it.
I love you.
- I don't know about blue.
Listen, you know, don't worry about Ben Stiller.
In my mind, I've got a couple of wonderful people.
What do you think of do you know David Schwimmer? - Sure, yeah, the guy from "Friends.
" - Yeah.
Think about that guy.
Think about that.
He can move well, sings well.
And we'd save a little money on the marquee.
"Larry David Schwimmer," get it? - Okay, bad joke.
- That's a good idea.
I like that.
- Think about it.
- Bye, fellas, thank you.
- Okay, good to see you.
- Bye-bye.
God bless.
Keep up the good work.
Mel, Mel, you're making a terrible mistake.
I'm telling you, there's something wrong with this guy! He's mentally challenged.
There is something about this middle-aged bald guy that is thrilling! Car wash! Car wash! - Come on.
- We got one.
- Good, good, all right.
- $10.
- $10.
- Okay.
For the Langley Center.
It's a charity and it's where we all belong.
- Okay.
- $10.
- Here you go.
- $10.
Everybody's seeing I'm putting it in my pocket, okay.
Nothing's coming off this.
Your foot's wet and you're on - Oh, sorry.
- You're on the seat.
Could you close the door? 'Cause you're spraying it all inside.
- It looks pretty clean in here.
- Aw, it's dusty.
- Look, don't dump the- - You're making a mess.
You're making it a bigger mess than it was.
I think it's okay now.
No, it ain't looking like it's supposed to.
I guess I'll get going now.
That's okay.
No no, just give me one more minute, okay? Fuck! Well, guess what? I'm out of gas.
You left no gas in the car.
How do you drive around like that? I don't know.
I'm nowhere near a gas station.
I gotta pee so bad.
You know what? Where's my sunblock? I'll bet you those guys took my sunblock.
I was at a gas station, 'cause I got your car washed.
You know what? I can't even talk.
I have to go to the bathroom so bad I'm dying.
All right, goodbye.
Hi, sir.
I'm so sorry to bother you.
I know this is gonna sound a little crazy, but my car ran out of gas, and I need to use a bathroom.
- Is it possible just - No! Would it be possible? I can just get in for two minutes - Why would I let a stranger in? - I'm not really a stranger.
I did the "Seinfeld" show, I've done Hello, how are you? You know, I was driving by and I couldn't help but I beg you.
I'd like to make an offer on your house.
Oh my God.
May I help you? My car is out of gas, and I'm just desperate to use a bathroom.
Come in, please come in.
Be my invited guest.
- You're kidding? - Please come in.
- Please to come in.
- Oh my God.
Whoa! Whoo! Refreshed? That was so nice of you to do that.
And can I just say something? If you're ever in my neighborhood and you need to use a toilet, I'm your guy.
- Oh, okay, I will remember this.
- All right.
Is there anything else I can do for you? - I hate to impose again.
- No no no.
You just did me an enormous favor.
You got room for another one? - I am very curious.
- Really? I need to get gas for my car.
- I've got to walk to a station - Gas? - Gasoline.
- I have a refinery in the back.
I'm joking! I would be pleased to take you to get gas! That is unbelievable.
My wife left me with no gas.
- She does it all the time.
- Oh, you are married.
- Yes.
- That's a disappointment.
I thought maybe I'd finally met someone.
- You don't have a man in your life? - I don't.
We're a very superficial people.
We like to know what women look like, so it's gonna be tough for you when the Hmm.
What? What is it? I think I've got a guy for you.
- A blind date? - Literally.
All right, look, I'll tell you what.
- We'll get some gas, okay? - Of course.
- And I'll tell you all about him.
- I cannot wait.
- Hey, Haboos.
- Yeah? - You hungry? - Yeah.
I've worked up a little appetite.
- You want to get a little lunch? - Why not? You ever had delicatessen? So this dog digs up a bra, "Filling too much.
" Oh Larry, that's funny.
- You like that? - Yeah.
This place is beautiful.
Hey, it's the guys from the car wash.
Hey, guys.
- Hello.
- Remember me? - The guy with the really clean car.
- Yeah.
- The blue car.
- The blue car.
You guys did a good job on that car.
Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- No problem.
We had fun cleaning it.
- How did you do today? - Pretty good.
- Yeah? - We did good today.
- How much money did you make? - We made $100.
We had 10 cars.
Wow, pretty good.
Congratulations.
- Yeah, that's good.
- Good, good.
Hey, guys, let me ask you a question.
Did you happen to see any sunblock on the passenger seat in my car? - I don't know.
- I didn't see any.
- You didn't see any? - Never saw any sunblock at all.
- Is that right? - No no.
- No, huh, didn't see any? - No.
- I didn't see nothing.
- No? I'll tell you why I asked, because there was some sunblock when I drove in - No there wasn't.
- The sunblock was missing.
I didn't I didn't know that.
- I guess it's missing.
Who knows? - Yeah.
- We know nothing about sunblock.
- Okay, I was just You want to sit down and have some food with us? - It's really good.
- Sure, okay.
- This is my friend Haboos.
I'm Larry.
- Oh, hello.
- Hello, I'm Stanley.
- Hello.
Now weren't there, um weren't there four of you? - Uh, no, not recently.
- No.
No, at the car wash, there were four of you.
No.
Oh, you mean the guy that was holding the card.
- There was four.
- Yeah, he must have gone home.
- He must have gone home? - Or anywhere.
You don't know if he went home or not? - Um, I just - He might have gone home, to go get ready for something.
I don't know what.
Huh, all right.
I think we know what happened to the sunblock.
We lied! Yeah, we lied to you! It's really good tuna salad.
It's good? - You want some, Haboos? - No no no.
- Oh my God.
- Oh.
Tunafish on your lap.
What are you gonna do? - I don't mind - I'm gonna get this drycleaned for you.
- I can't do that, Larry.
- I'm gonna get it drycleaned for you.
- No, I don't mind.
- Haboos I insist.
I'm gonna dryclean it for you.
Okay, Larry.
Okay.
Eh, I'm so sorry.
Hey, I've got a good joke.
An Arab, a Jew, and an Asian fellow walk into a bar, okay? I didn't tell the joke yet! Wait till I tell the joke.
- I'm getting a corned beef on rye.
- Oh, yeah.
- A vino, a nice vino.
- Me too.
- Yeah.
- We'll have the same thing.
Say it again, say it again! So what's her name? - Haboos.
- Hello, Haboos! I mean, it's quite amazing when you think about it.
- Nobody knows what she looks like okay? - Yeah! - Nobody.
- It's great.
Everybody's in the same boat as you.
You have leveled the playing field for me, Larry.
Nobody will ever know what she looks like.
- Everybody's blind now.
- That's exactly what it is.
What an idea! That's just great! - Thank you.
- Just kind of fell in my lap.
Thank you.
Thank you - When can we do this? - It just goes to show, if you gotta pee, knock on a door, - you never know what could happen.
- I'm intrigued.
- Let's do it.
- By the way, I have to go with you, - like as a chaperon thing.
- What? Well, I'm sorry.
They require a chaperon.
- A chaperon.
- All right, so I'm gonna call her.
You know, there's no downside here.
Really, there's none, it's perfect.
It's perfect.
Call her up.
She's quite a Muslim.
Okay, tell me when to stop.
Stop.
Why do you do it so fast? - Well, actually you were too fast.
- Oh, I was too fast? Maybe I'm just not stopping where you want me to stop.
- No.
- Yeah.
- No, really, no.
- I think so.
I think I got a little something here.
You're stopping on the card you know where the card is, and that's when I say stop, that's the trick, right? - No.
- Is that the trick? No, it's not.
This is your card.
Okay, ahem.
You listen to me, Superman - I want that trick.
- No can do.
I apologize.
I can't do anything.
You're not a magician.
- You're not a magician either, Stewart.
- Yeah, I am.
- No, you're not.
- Mmm-hmm.
'Cause you know one trick, that makes you a magician? That's not a magician.
One trick's not a magician.
Yeah, it is.
- You going trick or treating tonight? - Mmm-hmm.
I'm taking half that candy.
Don't say a word to her.
You put it in the pantry, I'll divide it up.
Understand? Okay.
- Okay? - Yeah.
Now listen, I've got some friends coming over this weekend to watch the ballgame, so be nice to them.
- Capisce? - Capisce.
- Larry? - Coming, honey.
- Is that leather or pleather? - Vinyl, and it's hot as hell.
I'm sweating like a - Well, you look good.
- Lar - Look at this! - Happy Halloween.
- What do you think? - Oh my God.
- Huh, is this great? - Doesn't she look great? Look at Andy Divine over here.
Yes, I am, Sheriff.
- Now you look hot.
- Thank you, Susie.
What are you wearing? What is this, no costume? - No.
- Okay, you know what? - What? - I want you to change your costume.
- What? - I don't like that costume.
- Why? - I have my reasons.
- You got another costume? - That costume is gorgeous.
- You're wrong.
- Thank you.
I've spent an hour getting ready for this.
I don't have anything else to wear.
Not so.
Excuse me.
I've got just the thing.
You have the figure for that - I have the figure for that also.
- In your dreams.
Haboos's burka.
Just back from the drycleaners.
You're going as an Islamic fundamentalist.
It's hot in this thing.
What the fuck?! Hey, Osama, go back to your own fucking country.
Okay, you ready? Yeah, I'm a little nervous, but let's give it a shot.
I'm a little concerned about the weather.
I got an umbrella.
It's all right.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Just be casual.
- Hello.
- Haboos, hello.
- Larry.
- Hi.
- Michael? - This is Michael.
- I am indeed.
- You're beautiful.
- Oh - Look at this man.
- He's like your brother.
- He's a bald brother.
- I don't believe this.
- I've heard so much about you.
Larry has just sort of praised you to the skies.
I've been raving.
Oh, well, I have so few dates, and tonight I have a date with two handsome men.
Look, I got your drycleaning.
Oh, Larry, you remembered.
Thank you so much.
Fixed your cloak.
I got the stains out of the cloak Thank you so much, Larry.
Thank you.
- and your hood and the whole outfit.
- I like the way she talks.
It's kind of a sexy thing.
Did I tell you? Did I tell you? This is wonderful.
So what shall we do? What shall we do? Oh, Jeez, um, whatever you like, Haboos.
What about a walk or something, uh, romantic, uh You got the drizzles.
It's drizzling.
I don't know.
- Yeah, I think it's about to come down.
- I don't mind.
- You don't mind.
- You got a hood on.
What do you care? You know what? I got an umbrella.
We can take a walk.
It's like daredevil.
You're like daredevil.
Can't get this thing Oh! - My veil! - Ugh! Not so hot, huh? No, not so hot.
Well, ahem - thanks for trying.
- Yeah.
Please shuffle the deck.
Thank you.
And this should be your card.
Yeah, you peeked.
You bent it so you could peek at it.
You looked at it from behind.
How'd you know? Anyone can figure that out.
- Where's Larry? - I don't know.
The game's about to start.
Well, he's probably in the bathroom.
Larry David.
Why don't you close the door? Well, we have some time before the show.
I'd like to give you your 10th-anniversary present.
- What are you doing? - Who invited you? - Get the hell out of here.
- Look at you! You are sick! I want the other one.
Get out! I'm the only one here, baby.
And now for the rest of your life, you sick four-eyed pervert fuck, you're gonna be fantasizing about me in this outfit.