Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989) s04e03 Episode Script
Doogie Got a Gun
O.
K.
Here's where it gets scary.
This is where the gorilla gets right up in your face.
Whoa! Whoa! I'm sorry.
Scary? Vinnie, how is that scary? Look at the gorilla suit.
It's got pockets in it.
You know, howser, with you and movies, it's always take, take, take.
You're supposed to invest something in the viewing experience.
In the business, we call it suspending disbelief.
Suspend disbelief? You're asking me to suspend all rational thought.
You say that, but you have not tried it with the glasses.
Oops, sorry.
Uh-huh.
Oh, yeah.
I'm scared now.
It's like it's coming right at me.
I can almost smell I can almost smell bananas on his breath.
Mock me, mock 3-d, but show some respect for Mr.
Lee Marvin.
Coming.
Hey, what are you doing? Are you crazy? You don't know what's out there.
This isn't a movie.
It's the real world.
That's supposed to reassure me? It's some guy in a coat and tie.
A murderer can't wear a tie? A tie's a versatile accessory for a murderer.
Take a look.
O.
K.
, so he's a dork.
What if he's an evil dork? What if I knew a scientific method to determine what's behind that door? Here goes.
Who is it? My name is Gil Johnson.
I blew a tire, and my spare is flat.
Could I use your phone? No.
I have dealt with thousands of people at the hospital.
That is your average Joe with 2.
3 kids, a wife, and a car loan.
I shudder over what happened to the other 2/3 of that kid.
He's a bean counter.
He's come home from a long day of totaling.
Trust me.
You opened the door? Can you believe it? I begged him not to.
I pleaded.
I know after a shock like this, it's hard remembering exact details.
His hair was light brown, eyes Hazel, height 6'1", weight 195 give or take 3 pounds.
He was scary-looking.
Not ugly, per se, but his personality made him seem that way.
And those eyes They were ungodly.
I can still feel their clammy gaze chilling my flesh.
He exhibited a moderate proptosis.
I would say he suffered generally from hyperthyroidism.
Also, I noted a mild anisocoria.
Could you spell that? Which? Any of it.
Be more specific? Sure.
Um, well, his voice was kind of growly, and he had this loud way of breathing, kind of like darth vader or my grandma rose who is very, very fat.
Thank you.
That's very helpful.
He spoke with a Texas accent and tied us up using a bola knot, which is known to seamen.
I don't know.
I guess I was kind of scared.
Scared to the very marrow of my bones, in fact.
Want to write that down? So they got your wallets, keys, the stereo And lots of other stuff.
I'm not sure what now.
I'm sure your parents have an inventory of their valuables.
Have them call us.
Found this wallet.
Does it belong to anyone? Uh, yeah, right here.
All they left in it was a condom.
Looks like you've been carrying this for a long time.
Thanks.
I think we're finished here.
I was wondering how long it'll take before you find this guy.
I want to press charges.
Most of these cases are never solved.
Then arrest him.
He opened the door.
Can't you charge him with criminal stupidity? Wrongful neglect of common sense? Conspiracy to be a moron? You opened the door? This was brentwood.
Everyone knows that there's crime in the city, but how many have seen it in our own neighborhoods? I have.
Me, too.
Twice.
What happened to you, curly? I was near my apartment.
Some guy on a bike yanked my purse.
I watched him ride away and I thought, "with cheeks that flabby, he shouldn't be wearing bicycle shorts.
" My house was broken into.
Two months later, I got held up at an atm.
Wasn't some orderly held up in the hospital just last week? Tony klapchik.
He was knocking off at 2:00 A.
M.
Some guy puts a gun in his back.
That's why a year ago, I made a tough decision.
I'm not ashamed to say it.
I bought a gun.
You, Dr.
canfield? I can't believe it.
After the break-in, I couldn't sleep.
Every noise was another thief coming back for more.
I took lessons and bought some peace of mind.
You see, criminals are very enterprising.
They can Jimmy the doors, they can force the windows, they can break the glass, or they could very quietly cut the glass.
Or they can wait for your wife and force her to let them in.
I don't want to scare anyone, but for our customers who can afford it, we recommend the full package Motion detectors, heat sensors, multizone key pads.
You put these together, this place will be tight as a drum.
I remember when doogie ran in and out and the door was never locked.
What happened? Hey.
Let me in.
Progress.
I'm all alone out here.
Hurry up.
Quick.
It's a jungle out there.
It's not a jungle, Vinnie, it's a suburb.
That word used to mean something to me Comfort, security, peace of mind.
Now I know better.
Now I know the gazebos have eyes.
Hello, ma? It's me.
Yeah, I made it o.
K.
I wrote them down.
You ready? One late-model buick I did not recognize, license 2pzl45.
Yeah, and a diaper truck that smelled suspiciously odor-free.
O.
K.
? O.
K.
Look, I'll call you before I leave.
Yeah, bye.
That poor woman is a wreck.
Mrs.
h.
, my nerves are shot.
Do you have any herb tea? Oh, before I go, I know lots of people have a problem with the subject, but if you're interested in the ultimate in home security, my brother-in-law manages a gun club.
I hear gun owners tend to shoot themselves more often than they shoot intruders.
Well, goodbye.
Thank you for your time.
When is our appointment with the insurance adjusters? In an hour.
O.
K.
Let's review the damage.
Let's see.
Here we are.
Now, according my my inventory, he took one set of silver candlestick holders, silver picture frame, my portable cd player.
Uh, actually, Dr.
h, the disc player wasn't stolen.
I borrowed it.
We are also missing a mahogany boxed set of playing cards, cut crystal antelope Good news.
The cards I have.
The, uh, antelope I broke.
Maybe I should save time and let you look over the list.
O.
K.
Uh, borrowed, borrowed, broke, borrowed, lost, buried, borrowed, broke.
Oh, thank goodness.
The vcr was stolen.
Oh, for god's sakes.
Bye, boys.
Be back soon.
Bye, mom.
Bye, dad.
Oh, boy, am I sorry I ever opened that door.
Come on, don't feel bad, doog.
Many guys have done things just as monumentally stupid.
George Bush picked Dan quayle.
Marilyn quayle married him.
Thanks, vin, but that's not it.
I feel like there's no place safe anymore.
You know what I mean? It's a creepy feeling.
You said it.
Hello? Dr.
Douglas howser? Yes? My name's Helen Lewis.
I found your wallet in front of my house.
You did? Oh, that's great! Someone found my wallet.
There's no money or credit cards in it, but they left a driver's license and a doctor's license.
Thank you for calling.
Want to pick it up? Yes, yes.
Absolutely.
Can I swing by right now? You look like a very nice boy in your photo, but maybe we could meet at a restaurant.
My grandson made me promise never to let strangers in the house.
Your grandson's absolutely right.
O.
K.
, let's see.
Let me make sure I have this straight You opened the door? Thanks, vin.
I never get tired of hearing this story.
Something like this happened to a girlfriend of mine.
Her purse got snatched Keys, wallet, the whole shebang.
Some guy with her purse calls, asking her to meet him at this bar.
She goes to meet him, but he never shows.
Why? 'Cause while she's waiting, he's using her keys to rob her apartment.
Ain't that a kick? Vinnie, she's a grandmother.
Go, granny, go.
You hand-delivered them your car? Can we please just start shooting? You don't buy a gun because you're mad.
You buy a gun because you're smart.
Sorry.
I'm a little tense.
I understand.
A stranger came into your home and took what was yours, but the things he took were not important.
What he took that counted was control.
And what gave him that control? Am I right? You're right.
Let me tell you about firearms.
You don't buy a firearm to get into gunfights.
You buy one to be ready.
A gun is a deadly weapon of last resort.
It demands the utmost respect.
You following? Yes, sir.
You were lucky, son.
Your guy was just greedy.
Often times they're also mean.
When that time comes Pray god it never comes You look to the protection of this baretta semi-automatic.
Feel it in your hands.
It's a versatile home weapon with a 15-round clip.
It's got a safety to prevent accidents, but once you start firing, you get easy repeat action.
Like to give it a try? Place down the weapon.
Put those on.
Now I want you to aim at the center of the body.
Always the center.
Why's that? Intruders move, son.
You try shooting him in the leg or the arm like those idiots in the movies, you're going to miss.
He'll turn right around and shoot back at you.
Safety off.
Pull the slide back and chamber a round.
Whenever you're ready.
So she goes to meet him, but he never shows.
Why? 'Cause while she's waiting, he's using her keys to rob her apartment.
Ain't that a kick? Don't even think about it.
I think you missed the drive-through.
That's a kidney shot, son.
Try another.
Dead center that time.
Go again.
Bullet wound, left leg.
Get him into number two.
Aim for the chest.
Squeeze the trigger slowly.
Red blanket Gunshot.
We have no pulse.
Looks like you're a natural at this.
Keep those dilated.
Where's the trauma team? He's sucking air into his chest.
Suction here.
He's been hit in the heart.
What did they shoot him with, a howitzer? Move him to O.
R.
It's no good.
EKG is flat.
Heart's not responding.
That's it.
Pull it out.
Doogie, he's gone.
What's the time? Time of death 21:42.
I can't.
I'm sorry.
I can't.
Later, guys.
I'm outta here.
Early night, doogie? I don't know, curly.
That's a good question.
Is 3 A.
M.
considered early or late? Is it night or is it morning? Which came first The chicken or the egg? Hey.
My wife just had a girl! I don't even know her name yet! Ha ha ha ha! Isn't that fantastic? That's great.
I'm very happy for you.
Thanks, man! Congratulations.
Thank you.
Isn't she lovely? Isn't she wonderful? And that's when I knew I needed help.
I mean, I'd gotten so paranoid I almost punched out a brand-new father.
I guess I've figured out what's wrong for me.
Now I have to figure out what's right.
Thank you.
That's why we're here.
We've talked about the control we lost as victims.
Now let's talk about the control we can take back.
Let's talk about self-defense.
A very effective way to off-balance, or even to scare away an attacker, is to scream.
Find the anger, the fear, that is built up inside and just let it rip.
Most of us were raised to keep our voices down, so it may not come easily.
Douglas, I have some news.
Good or bad? A little of both.
They found the Chevy, but it was, uh Practically stripped to the frame.
What's the good news? Well, in a way, that is the good news.
Some of my favorite moments were working on the Chevy with you.
Now we can have that all over again.
You'd find a silver lining in a storm of woe.
How else would I get this bubbly disposition?
K.
Here's where it gets scary.
This is where the gorilla gets right up in your face.
Whoa! Whoa! I'm sorry.
Scary? Vinnie, how is that scary? Look at the gorilla suit.
It's got pockets in it.
You know, howser, with you and movies, it's always take, take, take.
You're supposed to invest something in the viewing experience.
In the business, we call it suspending disbelief.
Suspend disbelief? You're asking me to suspend all rational thought.
You say that, but you have not tried it with the glasses.
Oops, sorry.
Uh-huh.
Oh, yeah.
I'm scared now.
It's like it's coming right at me.
I can almost smell I can almost smell bananas on his breath.
Mock me, mock 3-d, but show some respect for Mr.
Lee Marvin.
Coming.
Hey, what are you doing? Are you crazy? You don't know what's out there.
This isn't a movie.
It's the real world.
That's supposed to reassure me? It's some guy in a coat and tie.
A murderer can't wear a tie? A tie's a versatile accessory for a murderer.
Take a look.
O.
K.
, so he's a dork.
What if he's an evil dork? What if I knew a scientific method to determine what's behind that door? Here goes.
Who is it? My name is Gil Johnson.
I blew a tire, and my spare is flat.
Could I use your phone? No.
I have dealt with thousands of people at the hospital.
That is your average Joe with 2.
3 kids, a wife, and a car loan.
I shudder over what happened to the other 2/3 of that kid.
He's a bean counter.
He's come home from a long day of totaling.
Trust me.
You opened the door? Can you believe it? I begged him not to.
I pleaded.
I know after a shock like this, it's hard remembering exact details.
His hair was light brown, eyes Hazel, height 6'1", weight 195 give or take 3 pounds.
He was scary-looking.
Not ugly, per se, but his personality made him seem that way.
And those eyes They were ungodly.
I can still feel their clammy gaze chilling my flesh.
He exhibited a moderate proptosis.
I would say he suffered generally from hyperthyroidism.
Also, I noted a mild anisocoria.
Could you spell that? Which? Any of it.
Be more specific? Sure.
Um, well, his voice was kind of growly, and he had this loud way of breathing, kind of like darth vader or my grandma rose who is very, very fat.
Thank you.
That's very helpful.
He spoke with a Texas accent and tied us up using a bola knot, which is known to seamen.
I don't know.
I guess I was kind of scared.
Scared to the very marrow of my bones, in fact.
Want to write that down? So they got your wallets, keys, the stereo And lots of other stuff.
I'm not sure what now.
I'm sure your parents have an inventory of their valuables.
Have them call us.
Found this wallet.
Does it belong to anyone? Uh, yeah, right here.
All they left in it was a condom.
Looks like you've been carrying this for a long time.
Thanks.
I think we're finished here.
I was wondering how long it'll take before you find this guy.
I want to press charges.
Most of these cases are never solved.
Then arrest him.
He opened the door.
Can't you charge him with criminal stupidity? Wrongful neglect of common sense? Conspiracy to be a moron? You opened the door? This was brentwood.
Everyone knows that there's crime in the city, but how many have seen it in our own neighborhoods? I have.
Me, too.
Twice.
What happened to you, curly? I was near my apartment.
Some guy on a bike yanked my purse.
I watched him ride away and I thought, "with cheeks that flabby, he shouldn't be wearing bicycle shorts.
" My house was broken into.
Two months later, I got held up at an atm.
Wasn't some orderly held up in the hospital just last week? Tony klapchik.
He was knocking off at 2:00 A.
M.
Some guy puts a gun in his back.
That's why a year ago, I made a tough decision.
I'm not ashamed to say it.
I bought a gun.
You, Dr.
canfield? I can't believe it.
After the break-in, I couldn't sleep.
Every noise was another thief coming back for more.
I took lessons and bought some peace of mind.
You see, criminals are very enterprising.
They can Jimmy the doors, they can force the windows, they can break the glass, or they could very quietly cut the glass.
Or they can wait for your wife and force her to let them in.
I don't want to scare anyone, but for our customers who can afford it, we recommend the full package Motion detectors, heat sensors, multizone key pads.
You put these together, this place will be tight as a drum.
I remember when doogie ran in and out and the door was never locked.
What happened? Hey.
Let me in.
Progress.
I'm all alone out here.
Hurry up.
Quick.
It's a jungle out there.
It's not a jungle, Vinnie, it's a suburb.
That word used to mean something to me Comfort, security, peace of mind.
Now I know better.
Now I know the gazebos have eyes.
Hello, ma? It's me.
Yeah, I made it o.
K.
I wrote them down.
You ready? One late-model buick I did not recognize, license 2pzl45.
Yeah, and a diaper truck that smelled suspiciously odor-free.
O.
K.
? O.
K.
Look, I'll call you before I leave.
Yeah, bye.
That poor woman is a wreck.
Mrs.
h.
, my nerves are shot.
Do you have any herb tea? Oh, before I go, I know lots of people have a problem with the subject, but if you're interested in the ultimate in home security, my brother-in-law manages a gun club.
I hear gun owners tend to shoot themselves more often than they shoot intruders.
Well, goodbye.
Thank you for your time.
When is our appointment with the insurance adjusters? In an hour.
O.
K.
Let's review the damage.
Let's see.
Here we are.
Now, according my my inventory, he took one set of silver candlestick holders, silver picture frame, my portable cd player.
Uh, actually, Dr.
h, the disc player wasn't stolen.
I borrowed it.
We are also missing a mahogany boxed set of playing cards, cut crystal antelope Good news.
The cards I have.
The, uh, antelope I broke.
Maybe I should save time and let you look over the list.
O.
K.
Uh, borrowed, borrowed, broke, borrowed, lost, buried, borrowed, broke.
Oh, thank goodness.
The vcr was stolen.
Oh, for god's sakes.
Bye, boys.
Be back soon.
Bye, mom.
Bye, dad.
Oh, boy, am I sorry I ever opened that door.
Come on, don't feel bad, doog.
Many guys have done things just as monumentally stupid.
George Bush picked Dan quayle.
Marilyn quayle married him.
Thanks, vin, but that's not it.
I feel like there's no place safe anymore.
You know what I mean? It's a creepy feeling.
You said it.
Hello? Dr.
Douglas howser? Yes? My name's Helen Lewis.
I found your wallet in front of my house.
You did? Oh, that's great! Someone found my wallet.
There's no money or credit cards in it, but they left a driver's license and a doctor's license.
Thank you for calling.
Want to pick it up? Yes, yes.
Absolutely.
Can I swing by right now? You look like a very nice boy in your photo, but maybe we could meet at a restaurant.
My grandson made me promise never to let strangers in the house.
Your grandson's absolutely right.
O.
K.
, let's see.
Let me make sure I have this straight You opened the door? Thanks, vin.
I never get tired of hearing this story.
Something like this happened to a girlfriend of mine.
Her purse got snatched Keys, wallet, the whole shebang.
Some guy with her purse calls, asking her to meet him at this bar.
She goes to meet him, but he never shows.
Why? 'Cause while she's waiting, he's using her keys to rob her apartment.
Ain't that a kick? Vinnie, she's a grandmother.
Go, granny, go.
You hand-delivered them your car? Can we please just start shooting? You don't buy a gun because you're mad.
You buy a gun because you're smart.
Sorry.
I'm a little tense.
I understand.
A stranger came into your home and took what was yours, but the things he took were not important.
What he took that counted was control.
And what gave him that control? Am I right? You're right.
Let me tell you about firearms.
You don't buy a firearm to get into gunfights.
You buy one to be ready.
A gun is a deadly weapon of last resort.
It demands the utmost respect.
You following? Yes, sir.
You were lucky, son.
Your guy was just greedy.
Often times they're also mean.
When that time comes Pray god it never comes You look to the protection of this baretta semi-automatic.
Feel it in your hands.
It's a versatile home weapon with a 15-round clip.
It's got a safety to prevent accidents, but once you start firing, you get easy repeat action.
Like to give it a try? Place down the weapon.
Put those on.
Now I want you to aim at the center of the body.
Always the center.
Why's that? Intruders move, son.
You try shooting him in the leg or the arm like those idiots in the movies, you're going to miss.
He'll turn right around and shoot back at you.
Safety off.
Pull the slide back and chamber a round.
Whenever you're ready.
So she goes to meet him, but he never shows.
Why? 'Cause while she's waiting, he's using her keys to rob her apartment.
Ain't that a kick? Don't even think about it.
I think you missed the drive-through.
That's a kidney shot, son.
Try another.
Dead center that time.
Go again.
Bullet wound, left leg.
Get him into number two.
Aim for the chest.
Squeeze the trigger slowly.
Red blanket Gunshot.
We have no pulse.
Looks like you're a natural at this.
Keep those dilated.
Where's the trauma team? He's sucking air into his chest.
Suction here.
He's been hit in the heart.
What did they shoot him with, a howitzer? Move him to O.
R.
It's no good.
EKG is flat.
Heart's not responding.
That's it.
Pull it out.
Doogie, he's gone.
What's the time? Time of death 21:42.
I can't.
I'm sorry.
I can't.
Later, guys.
I'm outta here.
Early night, doogie? I don't know, curly.
That's a good question.
Is 3 A.
M.
considered early or late? Is it night or is it morning? Which came first The chicken or the egg? Hey.
My wife just had a girl! I don't even know her name yet! Ha ha ha ha! Isn't that fantastic? That's great.
I'm very happy for you.
Thanks, man! Congratulations.
Thank you.
Isn't she lovely? Isn't she wonderful? And that's when I knew I needed help.
I mean, I'd gotten so paranoid I almost punched out a brand-new father.
I guess I've figured out what's wrong for me.
Now I have to figure out what's right.
Thank you.
That's why we're here.
We've talked about the control we lost as victims.
Now let's talk about the control we can take back.
Let's talk about self-defense.
A very effective way to off-balance, or even to scare away an attacker, is to scream.
Find the anger, the fear, that is built up inside and just let it rip.
Most of us were raised to keep our voices down, so it may not come easily.
Douglas, I have some news.
Good or bad? A little of both.
They found the Chevy, but it was, uh Practically stripped to the frame.
What's the good news? Well, in a way, that is the good news.
Some of my favorite moments were working on the Chevy with you.
Now we can have that all over again.
You'd find a silver lining in a storm of woe.
How else would I get this bubbly disposition?